Saturday, December 31, 2005

2005 Harazquack Year in Review (Moving)

Hopefully these posts will be inspirational or moving.

My letter about the genocide in Sudan.

2005 was the 15th anniversary of Hank Gathers' death.

Summing up the joy and pain of my trip to China.

Violence anywhere is sad.

A hard day in Berlin.

My visit to concentration camps.

Describing my thoughts following the shooting that I witnessed.

Throughout the horror of the hurricane, perhaps there were scenes of inspiration.

Four years after September 11, 2001.

Yom Kippur fell during the holy month of Ramadan in 2005. That meant that Jews and Muslims were fasting together.

I hope everyone has a happy New Year. Much love.

2005 Harazquack Year in Review (Miscellaneous)

Here are some other interesting posts from 2005.

The moral of this post is that beating up people for no reason (or the wrong reason) is wrong.

Bob Marley died a couple of decades ago. Somebody let the BBC know.

Remember when the Nazi pope was appointed. Oy vey!

My first post from China.

You will agree that this is the worst five minutes ever experienced by a human being.

I broke down barriers in Germany. No, it had nothing to do with being a Jew, but it did have to do with shitting.

On December 31, it's appropriate to discuss one's mistakes.

As I age, I hope that I am always improving myself. However, I still hate fat people for no reason.

This old substitute teacher really pissed me off.

Look for my crusade against short women in 2006.

2005 Harazquack Year in Review (Jewmor)

2005 was an ok year for Jews. The rabbi trying to fuck little boys was not so good. Paul Wolfowitz was promoted, also bad.


I nominated Sammy Davis Jr. for pope. How'd that turn out?

Male circumcision became more popular, a good sign for Jews.

Circumcision is a very important issue within the Jewish community.

Check out who were my 5 favorite and least favorite Jews of fame.

Jews for Jesus were back in the news, I guess.

Hey Poland, Russia, leave us out of your beef!

Touching moment.

A look into our community.

The fucking rabbi who wanted to jerk off some boys.

What a Jew hears at Christmas.

2005 Harazquack Year in Review (Politics)

2005 was a year that had numerous events of political importance. I tried to either ignore or trivialize them.


Killing people is fun. If you don't think so, you're a pussy.

Ann Coulter is my secret love. Shhh.

I further the cause of the pro-abortion lobby.

Karl Rove is fat and ugly, but when you're right you're right.

George Bush nominated a conservative judge to the Supreme Court. This apparently shocked the Democrats.

Karl Rove is a disgusting human being.

Homeless people stink. They do.

My memorandum to my fellow protestors, don't be gross and stupid. It hurts the cause.

Who knew that sexual preference influenced one's propensity for conspiracy.

2005 Harazquack Year in Review (Sports)

It's been quite a year, involving numerous posts from yours truly. Let's take a look back, won't you?

The Year in Sports

Andrew Bogut was chosen first in this year's NBA draft, accurately predicted by Jimmy Dykes. That doesn't mean that Dykes didn't overrate Bogut to a ridiculous degree. Only double negatives can describe Jimmy Dykes.

John Bryant really sucked. Thankfully crazy old Temple basketball coach John Chaney ended his career in a hilarious display of courage.

College basketball was at its best during Championship Week.

2005 further showed that Mike Tyson is still crazy

There were awesome players in the NBA who did not play for the Knicks. Not many though.

The Washington Nats' catcher, Brain Schneider, is not Jewish.

We all remember the bizarre move and name change of the Washington Redskins over the summer.

Some idiot said that Super Bowl XL was Super Bowl XXXX. Who is this idiot? I don't remember.

The NBA adopted a dress code for its players. So did some fantasy basketball leagues.

Georgetown has white players on his basketball team.

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Short Women

I don't like short women because they only date tall guys.

What's up with that?!

Monday, December 26, 2005

Fantasy Football Sorrow

I had battled my way to the championship game of the Suck My Sonderweg Thesis Fantasy Football League. It was really a multi-year journey to reach the pinnacle of the fantasy football world. It began when I was a sophomore in high school and with the help of my grandpa, we persuaded ma to allow me to play fantasy football if it wouldn't negatively impact my grades. I wouldn't achieve grades that good until sophomore year of college. Of course, in those days you had to pay to play. Well, I missed the playoffs by one game that season.

Many years later I got the fantasy football itch again. I was the league commissioner. The league was a success, but I barely missed the playoffs again. The following year played a familiar tune.

That brings us to this season. I knew I would perform better. The start of the season proved my prediction to be correct. After a bit of a rollercoaster ride, I made the playoffs finally. My knowledge of sports was vindicated to a degree. But I didn't just make the playoffs, I was the hottest team going in.

I beat the only team in the league with more seasonal points than me in the first round. Then came the finals against my old nemesis.

Mike had beaten my new nemesis, Dewain, in the other semifinal. There was a time when I could not beat Mike in any fantasy sport, but things had changed in the last year. The tide had turned to the point where Mike could not buy a win against me. Two injuries hampered my chances, but I was confident. I started the weekend with a strong start. Palmer, Holt, Cadillac, and even the wonderful Bills' kicker Lindell all reached double figures.

Palmer threw a late interception, while Mike's David Gerrard grabbed a couple late scores to put him in a better position. Portis threw for a TD and ran for one, which didn't help me any. I sat Willie Parker, who had a big day, for Moats, who struggled.

But I had a 71-49 lead heading into Sunday. Mike had three players left, all from the lowly Ravens. Mark Clayton had the best game of his career, catching a 49-yard TD pass to put my comfortable lead in jeopardy.

My dreams of fantasy glory ended this way:
3-6-BAL 27 (5:44) (Shotgun) K.Boller pass to M.Clayton ran ob at BLT 46 for 19 yards (D.Sharper). [tie]
1-10-BAL 46 (5:12) K.Boller pass incomplete to D.Mason. PENALTY on MIN-S.Cowart, Defensive Holding, 5 yards, enforced at BLT 46 - No Play.
1-10-MIN 49 (5:05) C.Taylor left guard to MIN 43 for 6 yards (E.James).
2-4-MIN 43 (4:25) J.Lewis right guard to MIN 24 for 19 yards (D.Sharper). [2 point lead for Mike]

It's been a long climb back to the place of sports genius that I once held back in my youth. Clearly the journey has not ended yet. It's obvious what I know have to do...

Put everything else in my life on hold and focus solely on sports. Good bye friends.

Sunday, December 25, 2005

What a Jew Hears At Christmas

Jingle Bells
You're a kike, you're a kike, kike all the way. Oh what fun it is to throw a kike in the oven today!

Silent Night
Si-lent kike. Ho-ly kike. All is well, when you kill a kike. Sleep for-ever you beast.

Santa Claus is Coming to Town
You better not cry, you better not pout, let's go kill the Jews.

That pa-rum-pum-pum-pum song
I hate Jewish people, pa-rum-pum-pum-pum.

I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas
I'm dreaming of a... day when Jesus returns and all the Jews go to Hell, muhahahaha!

Merry CHRISTmas Bill O'Reilly

All H-duk Football Hall of Fame

Class of 2005
QB John Elway
WR Jerry Rice
QB Joe Montana
RB Emmitt Smith
LB Lawrence Taylor
QB Steve Young
DE Bruce Smith
RB Barry Sanders
QB Jim Kelly
RB Thurmann Thomas
DE Reggie White

Saturday, December 24, 2005

The White Guy At The End Of Georgetown's Bench

After my long run of sarcastic posts, let me be seriously for a moment.

Georgetown defeated Savannah State rather handily Wednesday night. This allowed Coach Thompson to empty his bench and give some of his lesser players some time on the floor.

Georgetown has two white players. Both entered the game. When they so much as touched the ball, the Georgetown faithful at MCI went absolutely crazy. There is not much that exemplifies the racism in America better than the way white fans cheer or jeer white players.

Of course players who are little-used tend to be fan-favorites. But it's pretty obvious that white basketball players are heavily preferred by white fans. This Georgetown example, which was so blatant and ridiculous, shows how even a foreign white player is more popular than any black player on the team, even the senior Bowman or the leading scorer Hibbert.

Some white liberal fans disparage white players, thinking that they are being sensitive to black people. In reality, they are really chastising white players for being out of place. They shouldn't be using there bodies, they should be using their minds. Of course, this type of prejudice dates back to the days of slavery.

Hopefully, we can get to the point where players are not lauded based on their race, but on their character and athletic ability.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

I'm American, Bitch 3

Tonight on I'm American, Bitch David explains logically how people that criticize the Iraq war are defeatists, who clearly do not understand economics. He tries to somehow tie the war back to gays, women, and black people, but it's hard when there are just so many people keeping the white man down.

The Iraq War, or as I call it, the American War is kind of an important issue my sources say. To me, the war has been a resounding success, with not one mistake made. But I understand that not everyone agrees with this position. I'm a compassionate person like that. However, there is a way to critique the Bush administration appropriately and then there's a wrong way.

For example, saying that George Bush is even smarter than he thinks is constructive criticism.

However, claiming that the US doesn't have enough troops over in Iraq to fight the insurgents, or we should bring home our troops to save their lives, or there were no weapons of mass destruction in the first place and thus this war was unjustified and a total failure, is defeatist. It's not constructive. Some may say, but it's true isn't it? The truth is not always constructive, just ask Robert Blake.

Critics might say that this war made no political sense in addition to its immoral premise. Well, I say that they are defeatists. Bush knew that starting a corrupt war in Iraq would flush those crafty al-Quedans out and bring them to Iraq. Then, as evidence by how well prepared the US military was for the insurgents, we were to annihilate al-Queda! If you don't believe that this was the true reason for the war, then you're a defeatist. If you believe that repetition does not make something true, then you're also a defeatist.

I am so sick and tired of these hippie commie defeatist liberals who don't know anything about the world. They just think that killing people is wrong and shit like that. So defeatist. This is the real world. If we don't kill Iraqis, who will? You have to understand the market forces that make killing Iraqis a hell of a hoot! Murder is ok as long as it makes sense financially. See, I'm a logical man. I'm not overcome by emotion like those liberal defeatists.

These defeatists include former counterterrorism czar (commie) Richard Clarke, ambassador Joe Wilson, congressperson John Murtha, and many others who want to surrender to brownish people! I say let's stay the course. How can funeral companies and weapons corporations make more money if there's no war? And then that money trickles down to the rest of us. With all the dead soldiers, there'd be less competition for jobs and hot sexy broads.

It's time for all of us to stop being defeatist, understand market economies, and kill a lot of people who don't look the same as us, or do look the same as us, depending on what you look like. I'm looking at you Hispanics.

God Bless America and fuck everyone else. Oh, and fuck a lot of people in America too. Thanks God.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Controlling Destiny

Two months ago I was having a solid fantasy football season. I was on my way to making my first fantasy football playoffs. Other things in my life were also going great. It was the halfway point of the fantasy football season, and being the commissioner, I like to evaluate each team's performance to that point and predict the second half. This is what I wrote for myself:

Buffalo Williams (5-2)- My team has slowly gotten worse too. We're led by Carson Palmer and Lamont Jordan. Hey, what can I say, I draft really well in the 8th and 9th rounds. That's about it though. I might, might, might make my first fantasy football playoff appearance.

More likely, I'll blow it in the second half and it will ruin my mood. That will effect my studies and my fate with women. This was to be the year where everything went right. Instead, my life will become a shattered shell filled with questions of what could have been? I'll die a failure and alone. All because Cadillac (Williams) decided to get injured.

After that point, things started going downhill, just as I had predicted. I couldn't believe that I actually predicted my fate exactly. I decided to be pro-active and change my destiny. One month later I wrote:

I predicted my own downfall, so since I have this power, I am predicting that I will win it all this year. I will be lauded as a hero, and all the pretty girls will like me because I got straight A's!

Well, I'm in the championship game of the Suck My Sonderweg Thesis fantasy football league anyway.

Sunday, December 18, 2005

Why I Might Be A Terrorist

Here are some reasons why I might be a terrorist:
  • I've expressed political dissent against the United States government.
  • I have a beard.
  • I've attended peace protests.
  • I know the difference between Hindus and Muslims (Hindus believe in Hinduism, Muslims believe in Islam).
  • I am Semitic.
  • I once emailed the president referring to myself as a "non-violent terrorist" for some reason.
  • My crossover dribble strikes fear in the heart of defenders.
  • I know more about Islam than the average American.
  • I spent an indeterminate amount of time detained in detention without so much as legal representation (6th grade lunch detention).
  • Prayed in a mosque.
  • I've made an international call.

However, reasons that do not contribute to me being a terrorist:

  • I don't like Tom Tolbert as an announcer.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Announcer Should Be Fired After Saying Bad Word

Inept ESPN NBA announcer Tom Tolbert is reeling, just minutes after cussing up a storm on the air during a Houston Rockets vs. Golden State Warriors early season matchup. While discussing the talents of San Antonio Spurs' guards Manu Ginobili and Tony Parker, Tolbert, who is a douchebag, stated that they were "pretty damn good, pretty darn good."

Some have called for Tolbert to be fired. Considering it happen four minutes ago, and I haven't talk to anyone in that period of time, it might be more accurate to say that one person is calling for his firing.

In an age of sex and violence, we don't need our children to listen to this filth during the family hour of television, midnight eastern time. I know I don't want my children to be a witness to this shit. Now, I don't currently have children, but if my sperm is able to come through as I ejaculate in a woman's vagina, they will materialize. Then they may get a tape of this Rockets-Warriors clash of the titans in the middle of December, 20 games into an 82 game season, 20 years from now. And then who knows what will happen. They might turn gay, or kill a motherfucker or two, or even worse yet, they may start saying "damn." America is losing the war against sleaze, and Mr. Tolbert needs to be made an example of.

Neither Tolbert nor ESPN could be reached for comment.

Monday, December 12, 2005

Michael Jackson's Music

I can't figure out why, but ever since Michael Jackson had sex with this last kid, I've really started to enjoy his music. I was never really a big fan before. I hope it's just a coincidence.

This is particularly odd, because I am strongly against grown men jerking off little kids. I swear.

The Saddam - O.J. Link

I must apologize to my readers, which as far as I can surmise consists of Kristen- if she's not busy at work, Lynn, and Asa. I had this idea that would link the O.J. Simpson and Saddam Hussein trials together earlier in the week, but I got lazy.

Then Saturday Night Live beat me to it. They went with the whole "Tony Bennett-I don't want to play golf with Saddam Hussein-thing." I mean that's cool, whatever. I was gonna go with the "Why does Saddam Hussein get to yell at the judge when O.J. Simpson didn't get to? O.J. should get to yell at a judge!-angle" But what's done is done.

So, I was humiliated... again. It's cool. It's not as bad as what happened today. I don't have any clean underwear, so I just wore pajama pants. Well, I wanted to go out to Wendy's Restaurant for dinner, considering I hadn't been out of the house (save shoveling the snow on Friday) for three days so I put jeans over my pajama pants. Anyway, when I got back home, I tried to take my jeans off standing up. My jeans and my pajama pants got stuck underneath my foot. I tripped and fell down bare-assed, with both pairs of pants around my knees. Luckily for me, I have no friends, and thus no one saw.

Saturday, December 10, 2005

Thursday, December 08, 2005

The End of the Twins

Every Tuesday and Thursday morning for the last three months on my way back to my car from class, I pass by twins. They are male, tall, lanky, and geeky looking. Just the sight of them pisses me off for some reason. I just feel like snapping and kicking their asses, but I resist the urge.

However, I don't hate them based on looks. Well, not solely anyway. Ok, pretty much only based on their appearance, but there is another issue. They never walk side-by-side. One is always a few feet behind the other.* I don't know if they switch who walks in front or not, 'cause they're twins remember. And every time but once they have walked by in silence. One time in three months did they talk to each other while walking from their car(s) to class! That just pisses me off!

But I just had my last class of the semester. Their tyranny is over!

* - not in the same way as when Sherkhan would walk too fucking fast in China. Yes, YOU walked too fast, it wasn't my fault! Plus, I have little legs. And I enjoy taking my sweet time, life is precious. It is to be enjoyed. And if I walk fast it irritates my hemorrhoids. Oops.

Get Ready For Passover!

The first night of Passover is some four months away or so (I don't have a calendar for next year yet), and I've already caught the Seder fever! (different from bird flu). It's never too early to start obnoxiously celebrating Passover! Time to put up your ostentatious Passover decorations all over your house so that it shines bright red into my window all night long! The best part of all, it's not tacky one bit!

Of course, we can't celebrate the actual religious meaning of Passover, because then those gentiles will be on our asses, so we celebrate the birth of Jes- uh; the Jews' emancipation from slavery in Egypt in a covert secular way that still lets us offensively throw our own beliefs into the face of others.

I can't wait to not eat anything leavened four months early this year, just to get a head start!!! Mmmmm, matzo!

Merry Passover everyone!

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Michael Jordan and India

The merchants of the Malabar Coast in the thirteenth century were like Michael Jordan; they were flashy and traveled a lot.

Hahahaha! Take that Michael Jordan! Why don't you go gamble on golf and cheat on your wife again. (Ian, should I go with a dead father joke here, or take the classy road?)