Monday, April 30, 2007


A few weeks ago, the only thing I had to do all day was go to the bank. I waited around and did nothing for the entire day and before I knew it the bank had closed.

Three years later I was arrested for murder. Sloth is bad.

Thursday, April 26, 2007


When Jim McManatee was young, his teachers described him as ambitious. He worked hard and got into one of the top 5 colleges in America. No, not Brown. He achieved great grades and made many friends.

When he got a job after college, he stopped at nothing to move up the corporate ladder. He didn't care who he hurt or who he literally stabbed in the back (figuratively speaking). He raced to the top of his company. He traded in girlfriends for prettier and smarter ones, unconcerned with their feelings. He eventually landed the smarter/hottest woman around. Once at the top of his company, he stole money in the millions from his employees. He was never in trouble for it and spent the money freely. He brought in ringers for his church league basketball team and the McManatees Inc. won the title every year. He cheated at poker and came away with his friends' hard-earned dough.

Jim McManatee and his wife had a few children and after several missteps, they finally had the cutest baby around. Don't worry, the others weren't jealous, because it's hard to be jealous from the inside of a dumpster. Jim McManatee was never charged with murder. He sent his son to the best Catholic school in the country. Then his kid was raped by a Catholic priest.

Ok, so this wasn't the most topical post ever. It's about three years late and very poorly executed at that. But you know what, they're not all going to be winners. I'm not a fucking machine, you greedy bastards.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007


A little while back airlines decided to charge extremely fat passengers for two seats. I think it was a good idea. If your fat ass takes up two seats, surprise(!) you should have to pay for two seats! They should have to pay double for everything.

Society's definition of fat includes people who are only a little overweight. Mine does not. I'm talking about people who make you gag to look at them. They're so ugly they bring down our standard of living. I live in constant fear of having to look at their fat ugliness. I mean damn, do a fucking jumping jack or something, tubs.

I'm not talking about people who are genetically heavy either. I'm talking about people who eat so much they influence the price of food. I've got to pay 8 damn dollars for a fucking cheeseburger because Flabs McGee can't stop at just 6 per meal. It's called the law of supply and demand fat ass, but you haven't been able to read a book since 1987 because you can't see over your humongous man boobs.

Put down the sausage stuffed with lard wrapped in bacon and run a little bit. I do it and I have a rippling six pack. Or you could play basketball; I do. I'm better than any fat person not named Oliver Miller or Robert Traylor. And even then...

Either quit your gluttonous ways or stay in your house and get the fuck away from me. I'm not in the mood to throw-up today thank you.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007


Utah Jazz forward Andrei Kirilenko's wife, let's call her Marsha because I don't know here real name and I'm too lazy to look it up, has famously given her husband a free pass for one round of extra-marital fornication.

It appears AK47, who has played more like a water pistol this season, made good on the offer as exhibited by his miserable play. Kirilinko, who has been an all star as a Western forward (the most competitive position in the NBA), used to be great. But the guilt from his lustful actions has ruined his talent. He’s a shell of his former self.

Kirilenko destroyed my hopes of a Fantasy NBA championship in the Shabbatai Zvi was a Schmuck League and is letting his Utah Jazz teammates down in their playoff matchup with the Houston Rockets. The Jazz are currently down 0-2 and Tracy McGrady just might get to feel what it's like to actually play in the 2nd round. I finished 4th in fantasy.

Monday, April 23, 2007

An Analogy

I hate analogies. I don't understand them. I did very poorly on the that section of the SAT. Having said that, Gary Condit is to 9/11 as Don Imus is to the Virginia Tech shootings.

Let's go back to Don Imus' comment. I've heard it described as 80% racist and 20% sexist. This view is based on the sequence of the words "nappy-headed hoes." But I'm a big fan of nouns. Nouns are where it's at. Adjectives base their whole existence on nouns. In this case, "hoes" is the noun, so Don Imus is primarily a misogynist. The adjective simply indicates what kind of misogynist he is. He's a racist misogynist.

Saturday, April 21, 2007

NBA Playoff Predictions

1st Round
1 Pistons over 8 Magic 4-0
4 Heat over 5 Bulls 4-2
2 Cavs over 7 Wizards 4-1
6 Nets over 3 Raptors 4-2

East Semis
Pistons over Heat 4-1
Cavs over Nets 4-1

East Finals
Pistons over Cavs 4-1

1st Round
1 Mavs over 8 Warriors 4-2
5 Rockets over 4 Jazz 4-1
2 Suns over 7 Lakers 4-2
3 Spurs over 6 Nuggets 4-1

West Semis
Mavs over Rockets 4-1
Spurs over Suns 4-3

West Finals
Mavs over Spurs 4-2

2007 NBA Finals
Mavs over Pistons 4-2

Friday, April 20, 2007

My Interview With Hitler

Me: Welcome Adolph Hitler.

Me: How are you?

Me: Um well, I'm going to ask you some questions that have been on mind for a while. Where did your hatred for Jews and other so-called non-aryans come from?

Me: Why did you hate so much?

Me: Was mass extermination your objective from the beginning or did it develop throughout your tenure as ruler of Germany?

Me: Do you feel any remorse for murdering so many people and causing so much pain?

Me: Finally, how does it feel to know that the grandson of Holocaust survivors has such a wonderful life?

And then Hitler doesn't say anything, because he's dead.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Needless Backlash Against Koreans

I've tutored a number of Korean students from Centreville, Virginia. The Korean students (most of them immigrants) I've encountered have stretched the wide range of human characteristics. Some have been smart, some engaging, some warm, some funny. And there have been students who are deceitful, stupid, or monotonous. In short, they are human beings. They also are not responsible for the Virginia Tech shooter's actions.

I tutored a student in nearby Haymarket, Virginia yesterday. He came to America from Korea a little over a year ago. He told me that he and his friends have been blamed for the shooting by some of his high school peers. One of his friends had chicken thrown at him. My student heard that something had been thrown at a Korean church in Annandale. This friendly and enthusiastic kid felt sadness because of the incident, but was angry that he was being blamed for this tragedy. In over a year of tutoring him, it was the first time I had ever seen him angry. Speaking of the shooter, my student said, "It wasn't because he's Korean. He could have been white, black, Spanish, anything."

It's ok to be angry. I'm angry too. But be angry at the killer, not others who were uninvolved. There is no logic in being mad at Koreans in general just because they happen to share the same nationality as a murderer. Regardless of you are, so do you (but if you're going to hurt Koreans over this, you're probably white. I'm just guessing).

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Gun Debate

In the wake of another shooting tragedy, some have said that arming everyone will give us protection against situations like this. I totally agree. If everyone had a concealed weapon on them, what could go wrong? We would all be safe. My main concern is keeping my very emotional family safe. And having guns in the house is definitely the best way to achieve that end.

If everyone was armed, image what would happen if Joey Crawford ever bumped into Tim Duncan at a comedy club. Duncan would think twice before laughing. Yesterday at Fenway Park, one fan taunted another for eating pizza at a baseball game. When a foul ball came at the taunter, the pizza eater threw his slice at the bully and it hit him on the shoulder and neck. It was a nice throw, topping-side up, especially since pizza slices are hard to grip. But if I may say so, I would never make fun of someone for eating pizza at a baseball game. I would also never eat pizza at a baseball game because I don't have the money. But if I could ever afford a $10 slice of pizza, I would have enough to throw it at someone who was making fun of me for eating it.

Now, imagine if we put guns into that situation. It would certainly have been a different, safer story.

No matter what anyone tells you, arming everyone is the way to be safe. Guns don't kill people, people kill people (it's best not to think about that one too hard). Just give me a gun to keep in my car and don't even think about cutting me off. Don't tell me the Knicks suck, you didn't like the movie Rocky, anything anti-Semitic, or you don't have mustard in your restaurant either. What kind of fucking restaurant doesn't have mustard? You have turkey sandwiches, you better damn well have mustard you fucking assholes. AHHHHHHH! SUPPORT THE NRA.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007


I've went through a string of emotions since I woke up Monday morning. When I first heard of the shootings at Virginia Tech, it didn't surprise me. I watched the news for about 10 minutes and was saddened. I tried to cope through joking with my brother. We understand each other and it's ok for us to make light of morbid things because we know the hurt going on inside of the other. We've had to experience it first hand.

That was the overwhelming emotion of the day. Watching the news again tonight, something hit me. It made things more personal. I'm very angry at the killer. Who the hell is he to take the lives of these people? He has no right to kill another person; no one does. I've also put myself in the position of the various people involved: the students in the classroom, on the campus, and their parents. I've tried to feel their pain so that they wouldn't have to. But one of the few things I've learned during my short life is that there is no limit on pain in the world. It doesn't do anyone any good for me to suffer.

More people than this die every day in Iraq. We must not lose sight of that. Their lives are just as valuable as anyone else's. But it's natural to relate easier to people who are just a few hours away and are experiencing college as I once had just a few short years ago. This tragedy makes me think of our world and all of the pain we cause one another. There are so many murders and there is so much sadness. We haven't yet figured out how to live with one another. We haven't yet learned to love each other. We will. Someday.

Monday, April 16, 2007

Imus, Hip Hop, and Misogyny

In the wake of the Imus comments, many have tried to tie them to misogyny in Hip Hop or even blame Hip Hop for Don Imus' racist and sexist comments. Hip Hop and Don Imus are unrelated. Misogyny in Hip Hop is a very complex issue, but I'll try to be concise. I'd like to be pithy too, but that might be too much to ask.

There are a few ways to come at the question that many older people (35 and up) have asked about misogyny in Hip Hop. First of all, Hip Hop is a cultural movement based on a set of principles, one of which is to respect women and treat women as equals.

However there are numerous artists who betray this principle. Keep in mind that they are the minority within the Hip Hop community in general and emcees (rappers) specifically. This minority of rappers are more popular than those who are far more respectful to women. The reason why they're more popular is simply because their records are more successful. Their records are more successful because your kids are buying them. Parental responsibility is very important here. But it's easier to blame black rappers than yourself I suppose.

Another way to look at it is by examining Ice Cube. He was fiercely political in the early 1990s and used derogatory language towards women in some of his songs. But his producer, someone who makes a lot of money off of the music and has a lot of power, was a black woman. His argument for using that type of language is that he was trying to speak to a specific audience and he had to use coarse language to reach them.

Personally I don't like songs with misogynist language, so I don't listen to it. But it's offensive when Hip Hop is misrepresented and misunderstood, especially by people who don't know what the fuck they're talking about. In fact, I can't think of another genre of music that has so many songs dedicated to the artists' own mothers: Tupac - Dear Mama; Mos Def - Umi Says; Talib Kweli - Happy Home; Kanye West - Hey Mama; Nas - Dance; Encore - Home; Masterminds - 2 Moms; among many others. And let us not forget how important women have been to the development of Hip Hop.

To sum up: Hip Hop - Great, but misunderstood. Women - Great.
Moms - Also Great. Misogyny – Bad. Don Imus - Sexist jerk.

Sunday, April 15, 2007


Last week I was driving on Monarch Road when I saw construction just ahead. One of the two lanes was closed. I waved in the minivan ahead of me. The woman gave me a return wave of gratitude. Then I looked at the window decals on the back and instantly regretted my kind action. One was right above the other:
University of Mary Washington
Catholic University

The two schools in Division III's Capital Athletic Conference that consistently beat my ala mater Goucher College in men's basketball. It was as if a Brooklyn Dodger fan waved in a New York Giants supporter unknowingly. As unlikely as it would have been to have one rival decal, this must have been the one car in the world to have decals of those two schools. And it just so happened to be the car that I waved in.

I was quite the fanatical basketball fan in college. Against Mary Washington I used to scream "EVAN!" every time their point guard touched the ball. I guess I could have yelled much worse things. And I did against Catholic. I threatened to kill their cheerleaders (who brings cheerleaders to the other team's gym and then puts them in front so that they're blocking the home crowd's most ardent fans?). I told an old bald fuck to shut up. And I screamed so loud for so long I pissed blood. Those were the 47 most confusing seconds of my life, and once I realized what was happening, they were followed by the 49 scariest. Even with my commitment, we lost almost every time. We did beat Catholic one glorious occasion, but just a couple of years later, the sky fell in.

JRR 42

Friday, April 13, 2007

Thank the Lord

I was driving yesterday when a minivan jutted out in front of me after making a right turn. I was going a little bit of the 40 mph speed limit. I didn't have enough time to stop, so I swerved into the left lane. I looked at the back of the minivan and saw a bumper sticker that said, "JESUS" which prompted me to scream, "Jesus didn't help you make that turn!"

The same can be said for the Washington Nats, who haven't had much help from Jesus (Colome), Christian (Guzman), or (Ryan) Church in winning ball games. Last night the Nats faced the mighty veteran John Smoltz. We had the lowly Jason Bergman facing the fierce Braves lineup.

Amazingly Jason Bergman held the Braves swingers to a mere 1 hit. It seems like Jim Bowden's animated conversation with the talented but unproven pitcher paid off. Unfortunately, the Nats couldn't score while Bergman was on the hill. In the 8th, the Nats finally took their first lead before the 9th inning OF THE SEASON (their only win happened in the last at bat of last Wednesday's game. That was their only lead of the season until Thursday). I don't even know what happened I was in such a state of euphoric delirium. I think Belliard might have snagged the RBI. He should remain the team's number 2 hitter. Rauch pitched the 8th. The Nats left the bases full in the 9th. Chad Cordero eventually closed the door stranding 3 Braves.

The Nats are now 2-8. But beating John Smoltz and the best team in baseball at their place 2-0 is huge. Since Jerome Williams induce a double play with the bases loaded and 0 out, early in Tuesday's game, the Nats starting pitchers have not given up a run. My younger brother is taller than me, better looking, smarter, and a Braves fan. I'm going to enjoy this win for a while.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Wednesday Theory Proved Wrong

My theory that the Nats will only win every Wednesday has been disproved with a 8-3 loss against the Braves last night. Jerome Williams pitched well, only giving up 2 runs.

The game started with the announcers trying to explain how bad this 5 game losing streak has been. The Nats have averaged 1.3 runs per game. They've batted around .200. Their average drops to .050 with runners in scoring position. But, the announcers went on, the numbers don't tell the whole story. Whenever the Nats make an error it always leads to three runs. When they get a man on base, the next guy grounds into a double play.

It's so bad that the Nats attempted their first stolen base just last game! Down 5-0 after 7 innings, not having scored since Sunday, I went to 7-11 to get something to drink. I missed the Nats scoring 3 runs, but I got back in time to watch the Braves tack on 3 more. The Nats are now 1-8 and have lost 6 straight.

Yes, the Nats play has been comically poor to this point and it is amusing to talk about the level of their ineptitude. But it's just a coping mechanism. Don't get me wrong, it's as if I'm on the Rutgers basketball team and I just got the news that Vivian Stringer has been fired and replaced by Don Imus. Things are bad and it feels awful. Having said that, I'm optimistic. The Nats have had injuries. We have young players who will develop throughout the year. We'll be considerably better by the end of the year and ready to win in the new stadium next season.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Don Imus, Blacks, and Jews

Don Imus is a vicious racist and sexist. He should be fired.

Upon watching some of the barrage of coverage on this story, I saw three people bring the Jews into it unprovoked: Stephen A. Smith, Michael Smith, and John Salley. I like all three and was shocked to here their statements. Each essentially said that, "If Don Imus said anything derogatory about Jews, he'd be fired."

I don't want to play the victimization game. There’s no question that racism permeates this country and that black people must unjustly endure bigotry on a consistent basis. But the assertion that Jews and other peoples do not also face hatred is plain wrong.

For an example I take you back to Mel Gibson's comments. He said that Jews start all the wars and run the world. Like this one, it was a big story, and eventually faded away. Mel Gibson put out his little movie Apocalypto, which got a few Oscar nominations and he’s doing just fine. There was very little condemnation of Mel Gibson and no repercussions. In fact, any Jew that tried to speak out against Gibson's comments was accused off "piling on" this poor alcoholic man.
This assertion (that Imus would be fired if he said anything anti-Semitic) is based on the perception that Jews control the media. Of course the companies that employ Don Imus are mega-corporations run by white male gentiles. White gentiles do not give Jews preference over any other group, even though many neo-con Jews wish they would.

This perception may also come from the fact that if a black man said something anti-Semitic, he would be fired. But this is not because he said something anti-Semitic, but because he’s black and lives in a racist society and thus he would face harsher repercussions than a white man such as Don Imus. Now we need to get back to the original issue, unite, and focus on fighting racism and bigotry.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Shtetl Pass Revoked

Whenever someone says something racist, they have to go and apologize to Al Sharpton and/or Jesse Jackson. Someday, I hope to be the Jew who fields apologies for anti-Semitic statements. In the meantime, I'm going to strip unwanted Jews of their shtetl pass. Here is that list:
Bobby Fischer - Now plays chess with only white hooded pieces.
Israel Shamir - Anti-Semitic, anti-Zionist prick.
Shabbatai Zvi - False messiah and asshole.
Paul Wolfowitz - Runs World Bank, drinks Christian baby blood.
Daniel Pipes - Head of the U.S. Institute of Douchebaggery.
Douglas Feith - Under Secretary of Defending Murder.
David Horowitz - In love with shiksa Ann Coulter. Tubby.
Norman Finkelstein - Thinks Israel Shamir is too Zionist.
Noam Chomsky - Thinks David Duke is too Zionist.
Jack Abramoff - Professional thief.
Rabbi David Kaye - Caught on Dateline wanting to fuck kids.
Moshe Katsev - President of Israel is alleged rapist.
legacy of Jesus Christ - Responsible for murder of Jews.
David Berkowitz - Son of Sam killer.
Anne Frank - Too much hype.
schmuck who pissed off Hitler - self-explanatory.

A brief list of those who never had it and never will:
Mel Gibson
Michael Richards
Don Imus

Monday, April 09, 2007

Shtetl Pass

A list of gentiles who have earned Jew-cred:
Mohandas K. Gandhi - All around good guy.
Martin Luther King - Friend of the oppressed.
Abraham Lincoln - Freed slaves, named Abraham.
The Righteous Among the Nations - Save Jews in Holocaust, receive Shtetl Pass.
Jeff Van Gundy - Coached the Knicks for 7 years.
Bayard Rustin - Civil Rights leader. Not fat.
Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) - Fan of the Torah.
Muhammad Ali - Greatest boxer of all time, humanist.
Anwar Sadat - Negotiated peace between Egypt and Israel.
Dave Chappelle - Funny.
Not this pope, the last one, General Whatshisface - Apologized for Holocaust. I accept.
Common (Sense) - Hip Hop artist, new song "A Dream."
John Starks - Played for the Knicks, dunked on Jordan and Grant.
Kelly, Reed, Thomas, Smith - Played for the Bills, know Marv Levy.
many of my friends - Attended Seder, have at least one Jew friend.
Grandpa - He pretty much was anyway.

Sunday, April 08, 2007

The DC Blues

I'd rather be Manny Acta than Alberto Gonzalez right now.

Gonzalez, the Attorney General of the United States, is mired in scandal. He's wrongfully fired federal attorneys on based on politics, supported the disgraced Bush nomination for secretary of Homeland security, Bernie Kerik, and has little regard for the Constitution of the United States. Plus, he's a real prick.

Manny Acta is the new manager for the Washington Nats. The Nats have gotten off to a tough 1-6 start. Things are not looking good in the immediate future either. My theory is that the Nats can only win on Wednesdays, which doesn't make the playoffs a very reasonable goal. Hopefully the rain gods will cooperate and we'll have a lot of doubleheaders on Wednesdays. That's our only chance.

I went to the game Thursday. It was 30 degrees and windy. I was alone, cold, and they lost (because it wasn't Wednesday). I was hungry and I couldn't eat any of the gentile food at the ballpark. Evidently they don't serve hot dogs on matzo buns because they're anti-Semites. Instead of crackerjacks, they should've had matzojacks for Passover. Jews enjoy baseball too, you know. And what's with these prices? No Jew is spending $6 for a hot dog. Not because we're cheap, but because we're not stupid. The Nats lost 7-1.

The starting pitching has sucked thus far. Jerome Williams and Shawn Hill each threw ok once. The Nats can't hit the baseball, which I understand to be a major component of baseball. Dmitri Young has a strict policy of only catching the ball when he feels like it. I actually like the guys on the Nats, even if playing baseball is not really their thing. Except for Austin Kerns. He's the first player on a favorite team of mine that I've ever disliked. As a fielder, he's an overrated hitter. He's a bum and we should trade him.

So things aren't looking great for Acta yet. But nobody's expecting a championship anytime soon. As long as he can get his players to give their all night in and night out, he'll build some momentum for next season. Alberto Gonzalez is a corrupt man who has been caught in a political shift of accountability. His career's outlook is bleak. It's like the owner of a buffet restaurant watching a fat guy waddle into his establishment. He's knows he won't be in business long.

Friday, April 06, 2007

Evil Leaders League, Season in Review

Today is Good Friday and Passover. Since I'm observing both this year, I can't eat meat or bread today and I can only have one meal. All I had was 5 matzo balls (good, but not filling) in vegetable broth (bad). I had to teach some stupid ass kid who lies constantly and then gets upset when I don't treat him with respect. Why don't you fucking do what I tell you, you little puke. Everybody on the road drove like a moron today. I was out in the 80 degree weather for a few hours on Tuesday and in the 30 degree weather last night for a few hours. My face feels like sandpaper. I'm in a bit of a bad mood. I know what it takes to be an evil leader now.

The Champion - Omar al-Bashir 5-2 (2-0)
The genocide in Darfur was really the catalyst for Sudanese president Omar al-Bashir to take home the ELL crown these year (although his proficient dart throwing didn't hurt). He did a good job of making sure the international community can't stop the mass murder. He also picked the right victim, black Africans are the most detested, despised, and degraded people in the world. The world, as a whole, doesn't care about them and racism thrives all across this planet. The only mistake al-Bashir made was targeting Christians. They run the world and presumably will save their own.

Here's a chance to vote for you favorite (out of context) quotes from this past ELL season. Vote for as many as you like at once. Come back tomorrow and vote again. Then skip a day. Then get a haircut. Then vote again.

Which are the best ELL quotes from this season?
Kim Jong-Il of North "mothafuckin" Korea has decided to ban Japanese cars. Hey asshole, this is the Evil Leaders League, not the Crazy Leaders League.
He acquired this skill at the Bill O'Reilly School of Being a Dick or BOSBD.
Fidel Castro no longer has control over Cuba and reportedly has an artificial anus. A good way to lose in the ELL is to have things shoved up your ass.
Saddam Hussein is dead and likely to have a rough season ahead of him.
Kim was also given Aerosmith's 2007 "Dude Looks Like A Lady" Award last Tuesday.
If I was a woman and Chavez was a euphemism for penis, it might work.
You know what, Omar al-Bashir of Sudan might be a liar. And what he's lying about is even more important than a blowjob.
The only news on Kim is that he can kiss his elbows, which means he's probably gay (if it was 1954).
According to the Sudanese media, Omar al-Bashir might be the greatest thing since sliced bread (sliced bread being Sudan's most cherished import).
Chavez has something that the New York Times calls "Chavismo," which is better than Lou Gerhig's Disease, or so the article hints.
Free polls from

The Challengers
Kim Jong-Il 5-2 (1-1) - North Korea's least favorite son is a bit eccentric, but politically shrewd. He enjoys American Idol, the show Friends, and starving his people- maybe not in that order.
Hugo Chavez 5-2 (0-1) - He had an unexpectedly good year. He's trying his best to erode democracy in Venezuela, which conveniently is the country that he leads. He has also tried to implement his ideology, whether it benefits his country or not.
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad 5-2 (0-1) - He has lost favor a bit in his home country of Iran, but remains one of the most reviled men in Europe and the US. As long as he's hated (by the "right" people), he'll have a place in these league.
Alexander Lukashenko 4-3 - Belarus' president didn't make the playoffs this year. He had a decent year, stole an election, lost gas negotiations with Russia but somehow came out looking like the good guy, and there's even talk that he might be the next president of Russia.

The Relegated
Robert Mugabe 3-4 - This is a tragic story. The president of Zimbabwe once represented optimism and pan-Africanism. Then he maintained power at all costs, while his subjects suffered. Now for the tragic part: The climate in Zimbabwe dropped so dramatically the people became desperate and clamored for democracy. It wasn't until Mugabe was relegated until he fought back, beating and jailing his opponents. It was too little too late and Mugabe will watch next season's ELL from the sidelines.
Fidel Castro 1-6 - To be honest, the former Cuban leader never had a chance. He had a mysterious disease and handed over power to his brother. There is talk of him coming back, but it won't be in the ELL next season.
Saddam Hussein 0-7 - He was dead all season. I doubt we'll see him again.

Some Facts and Figures:
Uses of the word during the first ELL season -
some variation of "fuck" 5 times; some variation of "ass" 5 times; some variation of "shit" 7 times; "evil" 46 times; "baby" twice; "blowjob" once.
5 people will return for next season.
4 people finished in a tie for first.
4 references to Castro's artificial anus.
3 people won't be back for next season.
1 not-so-hidden message to a friend.
1 mention of Bill O'Reilly, Aerosmith, and Michael Wilbon.

Join us next season for more Evil Leaders League action.

Thursday, April 05, 2007

Predictions For College Players in the NBA

I grouped 2 or 3 college basketball players at a time and my staff of experts and I rated them based on our predictions for their entire NBA careers. My ranked them according to the other players in the specific grouping. The players in bold are simply the grouping (in alphabetical order), and the players by our names are in order of our predictions, from left to right.

Kevin Durant, Greg Oden:
me: Durant, Oden.
Ian: Durant, Oden.
Mike: Oden, Durant.

Roy Hibbert, Joakim Noah, Greg Oden:
me: Oden, Hibbert, Noah.
Ian: Oden, Hibbert, Noah.
Mike: Oden, Hibbert, Noah.

Corey Brewer, Al Horford, Joakim Noah:
me: Brewer, Horford, Noah.
Ian: Brewer, Horford, Noah.
Mike: Horford, Noah, Brewer.

Jeff Green, Al Horford:
me: Horford, Green.
Ian: Green, Horford.
Mike: Green, Horford.

Arron Afflalo, Corey Brewer:
me: Brewer, Afflalo.
Ian: Brewer, Afflalo.
Mike: Brewer, Afflalo.

Jeff Green, Roy Hibbert:
me: Green, Hibbert.
Ian: Green, Hibbert.
Mike: Green, Hibbert.

Mike Conley, Ty Lawson:
me: Conley, Lawson.
Ian: Conley, Lawson.
Mike: Conley, Lawson.

Brandan Wright, Julian Wright:
me: Julian, Brandan.
Ian: ?
Mike: Brandan, Julian.

Of course, it's hard to predict how these players will adjust to the NBA (if the y make it), let alone to predict the course of their entire careers. But it's fun to try. We'll file this one away and come back to it in 10-15 years and see how it went.

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Crutches For Crushes

Are planning on meeting that special someone today? But when you meet them, you're knees turn to jelly and you can hardly stand up staight?

If so, Crutches For Crushes is for you!

Crutches For Crushes is a set of crutches made of the finest wood this side of Montana. You stick them under you arm pits when you sense your knees become weak. They give you the confidence not to fall down on your face in front of your crush. Act now!

note: also works for broken legs and sprained ankles

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Championship Review- Well, Kind Of

So I didn't get to watch the women's college basketball championship game. I know what you and Steve Buckhantz are thinking, "No! Not possible! Not possible!" Upon further review, possible. Our Seder ran long and I missed the game.

Evidently Tennessee defeated Rutgers 59-46. I would imagine Tennessee played great defense. Candace Parker probably played well, with oh say 17 points. I'm guessing she won MOP of the Final Four. And maybe the guy on Massachusetts Avenue is still doing his hunger strike to shut down Guantanamo Bay or save Darfur, he's not really clear. I will say, he looks really good for someone who hasn't eaten for a month. He doesn't smell so good. Pat Summitt won her 7th championship.

Monday, April 02, 2007

Deja Vu

The defending champion Florida Gators came back with all five starters from last year. They won college basketball's final game convincingly for the second straight year. Ohio State's Greg Oden played fantastically, 25 points and 12 rebounds. Corey Brewer, the MOP of the Final Four, and Taurean Green paced the Gators in the first half, each scoring 11. Florida's lead was 11 at the half. In the second half, Lee Humphry, the NCAA Tournament's most prolific three point shooter, led the Gator attack. His ugliness, Joakim Noah, struggled this game. He looked like a little boy, an ugly little boy, in Oden's presence. And has anyone heard Noah talk, does he think he's a thug? His ugly father was a tennis player and his hot mother was Miss Sweden. Joakim Noah's a fraud. Fortunately for Noah, Al Horford is on his team. Conley didn't play nearly as well as the Buckeyes needed. Florida won 84-75 to capture their second straight basketball championship and the football-basketball sweep this season.

The officiating was inconsistent in this final game. In the beginning, the refs called ticky-tack fouls and by the end, you could steal a player's shorts and not pick up a foul. I'd like to ask Billy Packer where the "u" is in Billy Donovan? We know that he doesn't watch any mid-major teams play, but who would have thought he had no clue about Ohio State also. It's true that Oden has been in a lot of foul trouble throughout the tournament so he hasn't played much, but Packer kept talking about how tired Oden was. Then they decided to look it up and it turns out the 7 footer, who missed 6 games at the start of the year, played over 35 minutes in 7 games this year. That's a lot for a big guy. I enjoy the history of the game, but the way Packer presents it, you would think that a game from 1962 actually has some bearing on tonight's outcome. And I thought an announcer was supposed to describe what they are observing, not repeat the same suggestion again and again. Usually it's a stupid suggestion unless it's obvious like "Jeff Green needs to play better." At least Jim Nantz called him out on some of his bullshit this time. I appreciated that.

Overall, a rather frustrating way to end a great men's basketball season.

Sunday, April 01, 2007

Another Final Four Recap

Rarely does a cinderella, a team that captures the imagination, challenges people's perception of them, and redefines what is possible, make the Final Four in women's college basketball. This year was no exception.

In the first semifinal, Rutgers easily defeated LSU. At halftime, LSU's former coach, Pokey Chapman, came back and ad sex with all of the players and it still wasn't enough inspiration for the Tigers to overcome Rutgers fierce defense. Rutgers held LSU to a measly 35 points for the entire game. The Scarlet Knights managed to score 59, which last I checked is more than 35 and enough to advance the finals.

The second semifinal featured UNC and Tennessee. Both stars, Tennessee's Candace Parker and Ivory Latta of UNC, faced early foul trouble. I don't like Latta's face and she picked up 3 fouls in the first half. She's still not on Joakim Noah's ugliness level though. In the first half, Tennessee's Sidney Spencer went strong the hoop and seemingly scored the basket and drew a foul. Instead it was called a charge. The defender is supposed to be set before the offensive player leaves the floor. The Tar Heel defender wasn't even set as Spencer crashed into her, under the basket mind you. This is a fucking Final Four and the referees have no clue what the rules are. C'mon, I'm just a fan and I know better. It's rather shameful.

UNC got out to a double digit lead in the second half. Tennessee stormed back. They showed that they were the better team, fouling out UNC's key players along the way. Parker hit two big free throws late and Latta choked, much like I do when I look at her face. Looks like you won't be pushing Shannon Bobbitt anymore either, you bum. Tennessee won 56-50.