Friday, April 29, 2005

Circumcisions For All (men)

Numerous Moroccan boys had their tips snipped in solidarity with the young Moroccan prince, who was recently relieved of his foreskin, according to a Daily Show report. If only this practice swept through the rest of the world, we would have peace.

The circumcised penis represents love, empathy, and compassion, whereas the uncircumcised shaft (or evil penis) signifies wrong-doing and general negativity and other badness.

For example, such terrible men have been uncircumcised as Adolph Hitler, Saddam Hussein, Osama bin Laden, George Bush (both of them), Bill O'Reilly, Kenneth Lay, Dan Marino, Alonzo Mourning, Mr. Ed, and the fucking security guard who bothers me every Wednesday when I go to pick up Sherkhan for Ravi Kabob*. Give me a fucking second, you see my friend walking towards the car! Plus, who's coming to fucking George Mason (Arlington campus) at 11pm anyway? Fuck you buddy, fuck you!

* - They might all be circumcised for all I know. What I do know, is that if they were, that certainly wouldn't help my case in the least.

Thursday, April 28, 2005

Nets Choke... Eventually

Down two in overtime, the clock had run out, the ball released from Vince Carter's hand, the Nets' playoff chances were floating in the air. The ball bounced off of the rim and the game seemed over. But inexplicably the ball came down and touched the rim again, then again, then again. The Nets' players and fans heads turned skyward, their basketball dreams hung in the balance. The ball dropped in. Dwyane Wade grabbed it in disappointment and threw it against the basket seemingly representing Miami's chances of coming back to win in the second overtime.

However, Vince Carter repeatedly forced jumpers when driving to the basket would have served him better. Shaq was hobbled and saddled with five fouls. One defensive mistake on his part would have shifted the contest towards the Nets. But Carter showed why he scores a lot of points and doesn't win a lot of games. Kidd couldn't wrestle control of his team from Carter, despite his triple-double. Carter nearly completed the first double triple-double by teammates in playoff history, finishing one rebound short. Carter needs to learn that stats mean nothing without wins, a fact that his cousin Tracy McGrady has apparently learned. Miami won in the end, in spite of a lackluster performance, catapulting them one game closer to the second round.

Sunday, April 24, 2005

It's OK to be Gay

It seems pretty ridiculous for me to have to use a title as the one above, but in this period of bigotry, it is appropriate. Gay marriage has been a hot button issue in the United States over the past few years. Some feel that marriage is a sacred institution between a man and a woman. This position intrigues me, because of the reality of marriage in America.

Around half of all marriages end in divorce. Some end in one spouse hacking the other to bits, or hiring someone to do the hacking. And they still think two men can't marry each other? How can marriage be considered a sacred institution if divorce (or hacking) is possible? Then you would be ending a sacred occurrence. You have to be quite the egomaniac to believe that you have the power to end a something sacred and let me tell you, God will be pissed when He finds out!

It is the conservative movement that is the strongest opponent to gay marriage becoming legal. There are some liberals who also feel this way though. Those liberals are not upholding liberal philosophy. Conservative ideology believes that the government has no place in individuals' private lives. Government should not be allowed to tell you who and when to marry under this philosophy. However, Republicans want to dictate the marriage capabilities of some people because they believe that they carry the word of the Lord. First of all, this is not socialism you commies! The state doesn't get to control people's private lives in a free democratic society. Second off, the concept of God varies depending on an individual's belief. This belief can range from absent to detailed in a so-called religious text. Your book does not contain my God.

Gay people do not want to marry their relatives or animals. Drop that shit. I don't even want to meet the person whose mind is sick enough to come up with that and then try to blame someone else for conjuring those thoughts. You are fucked up and this is from a guy who thinks Sammy Davis Jr. should be pope.

Whether or not gay people can marry really doesn't impact my life or anyone else's life except for those people whose happiness would thus be made legal. My interpretation of marriage has nothing to due with legality however. I feel the only importance of this issue is that gay people should be treated equally.

The bigger issue is that many people feel that homosexuality is wrong. Some feel it is a choice. The bible says nothing about homosexuality. The bible is 2,000 years old written in a currently non-existent language. Possibly your translation is wrong. Anyway, if God is supposed to be omnipotent and beyond human understanding, then how can God's "thoughts" be represented in words? They can't. As far as people who "chose" to be gay, I think the Reverend Jerry Fallwell said it best. When asked about the time he sat down and chose to like girls, he said that never took place because people don't really think like that. He just started liking girls naturally. Hmmm, good point Jerry.

The fear many men have of gay men comes from their own insecurities. These men objectify women to such a degree that they project those sexual feelings onto gay men. They figure that gay men must lust for every man they see. To those men I say this: Not every person is so insecure with themselves that they have to objectify their sexual "prey." Please get some help.

The word "gay" is not synonymous with "stupid." It is not all right to use the term in that manner. It is hurtful.

The United States is supposed to represent an equality of opportunity. Certain adults cannot legally marry their consensual adult partners. This is wrong. We live in a society that should nurture all people, regardless of who they are attracted to. Our society is schizophrenic when it comes to discussing sex. We need to view these issues in a rational manner. It is ok to be gay.

Saturday, April 23, 2005

Correction on What Tickles Mother Teresa's Fancy

Evidently Mother Teresa did not beat up crippled children because she thought it was funny. In fact, she didn't beat up crippled children at all.

Mother Teresa, not a bad person.

Mother Teresa was born in Skopje, Macedonia on August 27, 1910. The Albanian nun aided poor children in countries such as India throughout her adult life. She started an open air school for poor children in Calcutta in 1948. In 1950, she began "The Missionaries of Charity" devoted to caring for those left behind in India. The organization has since expanded to a global scale, helping the poor and providing relief during and after tragedies. The organization also helped to erase the stigma of AIDS.

Mother Teresa received the Nobel Peace Prize in 1979. She died on September 5, 1997.

However, the pope was still a Nazi.

Friday, April 22, 2005

NBA Playoff Predictions

Rank, Team, Games Will Win

1) Mia 4
8) NJN 1 ...... 1) Mia 4

4) Chi 2 ........ 5) Was 1 .......... 1) Mia 2
5) Was 4

2) Det 4
7) Phi 2 ........ 2) Det 3 ........... 6) Ind 4 ........... 6) Ind

3) Bos 2 ....... 6) Ind 4
6) Ind 4

1) Phx 4
8) Mem 2 ..... 1) Phx 2

4) Dal 4 ......... 4) Dal 4 ............ 4) Dal 4 ........... 4) Dal
5) Hou 3

2) SAS 1
7) Den 4 ........ 7) Den 4 ........... 7) Den 3

3) Sea 4 ......... 3) Sea 2
6) Sac 2

2005 NBA Finals
Indiana Pacers 4
Dallas Mavericks 2

2005 NBA Champions
Indiana Pacers

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Pope Adolph I

Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger, renamed Pope Adolph I (or Benedict XVI depending on who you ask) was a member of the Hitler Youth when it was the "in" thing in Germany. He enrolled in the Hitler Youth when he was 14 in 1941. The new pope was good friends with the late Mother Teresa, who beat up crippled children because she thought it was funny.

Pope Adolph I gives a nun a communion wafer. If you look close you can see a swastika imprinted of the wafer. Or he's helping that nun drop Ecstasy, whatever's funnier.

But seriously, what the fuck? The pope was a Nazi?! Now, to be fair, he denies sharing the Nazi creed. Pope Adolph I claims that it was compulsory for every German child to join the Hitler Youth, that his family was strictly anti-Nazi, and he deserted the war effort in 1945. We must consider these denials thoughtfully.

The pope claims that he was forced to join the Hitler Youth against his will. It may seem easy to excuse him for this, because of the situation at the time. Any dissenters of the totalitarian state faced possible death. Plus, he was only 14 at the time he joined, just a kid really.

Unfortunately, his participation is not as easily forgiven. He joined the Hitler Youth in 1941, 8 years after Hitler came to power and 2 years after the war began against Poland. The Hitler Youth "served" children of all ages (not Jews), not just 14 year olds. It is quite difficult to imagine that all of the sudden 8 years into Hitler's reign and 2 years after the war in Europe officially began, a 14 year old would be forced to join the Hitler Youth. Either he was forced to join earlier (like in 1933 when Hitler gained power), which obviously he wasn't, or he joined on his own free will.

His age is not a plausible excuse to fall back on either. There is a belief that people should be forgiven for their mistakes when they were 14. In actuality, fourteen-year-olds are quite mature; they know what they're doing. When I was 14, I peed in some tupperware in the Container Store on Rockville Pike. I was asked not to return in the form of a lifetime ban. Perhaps the pope's escapades with the Hitler Youth when he was 14 should have resulted in a lifetime ban for his being pope. That's all I'm saying.

His family was anti-Nazi. Then how come they allowed their son to join Hitler Youth? We've established that it was not compulsory to join. Pope Adolph I is lying about why he joined because it is no longer popular to be associated with the Nazis. It hurts with the women now. It's like a guy who sported a Jerry Curl in the 1980s. At the time he thought he was hip, but now he won't admit he flaunted that hairstyle willingly.

Many people might criticize the pope's desertion of the war as cowardice or unpatriotic. I don't give a shit about that. I would never join the army, when it was actually mandatory or not. What I'm concerned about is that Pope Adolph I is a quitter.

So the Catholics now worship a Nazi Pope, who they selected the day before Hitler's birthday. All I can say now is that the pope is 78 years old and maybe he'll die soon. Then we should epopel Sammy Davis Jr.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

A Discussion on the Motives of the Iraq War

Where to begin? The motive for the Iraq war needs to be examined more thoroughly. The Bush administration began their argument for war against Iraq on the basis that Iraq contained weapons of mass destruction, which violated UN stipulations. This argument had nothing to do with the actual reasons for war; it was merely a convenient and simple explanation. It seemed plausible too, after all the United States provided Saddam Hussein's Iraq with these weapons during the 1980s during the reigns of Reagan and Bush. It appeared to be a surefire bet to win the support of the American public. Hussein must possess weapons of mass destruction because we have the documentation that we sold them to him.

It might seem like a huge scandal to some of us that Hussein's weapons were American made. But the administration had explanations for this too. First of all, how many Americans actually know of this transaction of destruction anyhow? The media did nothing to educate the public about this fact either. When that information did surface, Hussein could simply be portrayed as a traitor to the United States. We had aided him against Iran and then he turned around and began a war with helpless Kuwait. This seems logical enough.

However, many questions and statements are ignored with this line of reasoning. The fact that we should have known Hussein was not to be trusted when he went to war with Iran in the first place. We cannot, on the one hand, sell Hussein weapons of mass destruction, and then on the other hand, exploit his use of those weapons as a reason to go to war against him. Where did Hussein's transformation occur? I would argue that it occurred long before he wrestled power away from his predecessor. It happened when he lost his nationalist and socialist ideology of the Baath party, of which he belonged. Hussein was never democratically elected, but taking down Iran's government was more important to the United States than principle. Regardless, the Bush administration assumed that Hussein still possessed the weapons that the United States had sold to him. After all, Rumsfeld and Cheaney were present when Hussein had bough the weapons.

So it was quite a shock, there was even awe, when inspections of Iraq turned up nothing. How could this be explained? He must be hiding them. His poor starving army must be able to outsmart the representative body of the entire world, right? Had this so-called madman complied with a UN resolution?

It took many months for the Bush administration to finally admit that Hussein did not possess weapons of mass destruction. However, I contend that even had Hussein controlled weapons of mass destruction, it would not have been a legitimate reason for war anyway. Hussein did not have the technology to launch those weapons onto United States soil thus rendering any self-defense argument inappropriate. Hussein's hatred for Israel is well known. Israel is an ally of the United States, which makes defending that nation reasonable. This is where dubbing Hussein a madman becomes dangerous. A madman is devoid of logic. Attacking Israel would be quite illogical from Hussein's standpoint. What would he have to gain? The best thing that could result from an Iraqi attack on Israel is that Hussein would revisit his position after the first Persian Gulf War. But in all likelihood, Hussein must have known that his fortunes would fare far worse this go-round.

Saddam Hussein was not a madman as Bush has claimed. He was a logical man. As Americans, we disagree with his premise, but one can be logically sound even with a faulty premise. Hussein's premise was that he wanted to maintain his power. Attacking Israel would certainly not aid his goal of persevering power.

The next argument for the war saw the United States as liberators of the Iraqi people from the evil dictatorship of Saddam Hussein. Again, Hussein was a dictator when the United States sold him weapons of mass destruction. In recent years we have seen numerous bloodless coups against corrupt dictators. The two keys in a popular bloodless coup are the bloodless part and the absence of overt international aid to the coup. Hussein's reign of terror need to be dethroned, but the United States' method fit none of the factors that make up a bloodless coup. Instead, many thousands of Iraqis have died. It is difficult to see a gun-wielding group of people as liberators when they have killed your family and friends. The United States was an outside force, who appeared not to listen to outside advice, whether from allies or Iraqis themselves.

Another fallacy with this reason is that there are many dictators in the world. To be consistent, the United States must overthrow all of them. Instead, the United States allies itself with some of these dictators including Pakistani General Pervez Musharraf. There is no logic to the argument that the United States must depose a Hussein because he is a dictator and does not believe in freedom and democracy, when the United States also allies itself with other dictators.

It has been argued that the United States mission in Iraq has been to spread freedom and democracy to its people. Again, the above argument regarding allied dictators either disproves this reason or converts it to absurdity. After the election this past January in Iraq, some people who were against the war starting seeing its value. They felt that if Bush had articulated his ideology better, they would have supported the war. If Bush had simply said, that the aim of the war was to spread democracy to Iraq, the cause would have been worthy. Certainly the Iraqi people "deserve" democracy. But do they deserve it anymore than the Pakistani people? Do they deserve democracy if they choose another form of government? Democracy needs to reflect the will of the people. If the people are justifiably against the United States, then the government should reflect that belief.

Bush pumped up the American value of freedom all throughout the build up to the war and ever since. During the same period, people are detained in Guantanomo Bay in Cuba without being formally charged with any crime. Arabs and Muslims have been detained within the United States' borders without being formally charged with any crime also. The civil liberties of United States' citizens have been challenged for an indefinite amount of time. Bush cannot claim that we are fighting for freedom while restricting freedom during the fight. He is contradicting American values if he continues to do so.

Another reason for the war was the supposed link between Al Qaida and Iraq. Osama bin Laden's organization is grounded in religious extremism. Hussein is a secular nationalist. The two do not mix, probably to as great a degree as bin Laden and the United States mix. In fact, I say Hussein and bin Laden are further apart than the United States and bin Laden, because Hussein never trained bin Laden against the Soviet Union in the 1980s as the United States had. The 9/11 Commission showed that there was no meaningful link between the two groups. The argument was very pervasive in the Bush administration's reasoning for war. The Iraq war was to be another retaliation to the attacks of September 11, 2001. But as important as this argument was to the administration, it was completely inaccurate and cannot be debated against any further.

Ousting Hussein was not the problem, the violent authoritative way in which it was carried out is. It is still not clear what the true motives of the war were. The United States' thirst for oil was certainly hyped up by dissenters of the war. Since the war began, oil prices have jumped dramatically in United States, allowing for oil companies to cash in.

Saturday, April 16, 2005

Mike Tyson: In His Own Words (according to his lawyer)

Publisher's note- I felt compelled to publish this clarification of Mr. Mike Tyson's words submitted by his lawyer on the advice of my own crack legal team. This is yet another example of why crack is wack and I need a new legal team.

The Abyss of Absurdity

(Editor's note- I got nothing)

I, Michael Gerard Tyson, have been blessed to be given the opportunity by God to entertain the good people of the United States of America with my boxing expertise. My life has seen numerous challenges, which I have not always handled with grace. However, any mistakes that I have made in the past were not due to ill intentions. Instead, I periodically let my emotions get the best of me and I apologize for any harm that I have caused anyone. In the future, I vow to treat others with the respect that they deserve.

Michael G. Tyson

Friday, April 15, 2005

Mike Tyson: In His Own Words

Publisher's note- I was rummaging through all of the stacks of papers on my desk from potential writers when I came across this powerful look into the mind of Mike Tyson. Its power lies in its truth. It would not have any meaning had it not come from Mike Tyson himself. Here is Mr. Tyson's view of his surroundings, enjoy.

The Abyss of Absurdity

(Editor's note- Any misspellings or other improper use of the English language have been left unedited in order to capture the true emotion of the author's words. Although, you do kinda wonder if this guy's got spell-check on his computer.)

In my life I have felt humiliation, degagation, and any other T-I-O-N you can think of. I used to be synonymous with manliness, now I am synonymous with debutchery. I weep like a woman as I sit in my bubble bath. I am fully cognacient of people's perception of me. Listen, bitches look at me as some kind of loon. Like one of those Loony Toons. Like mothafucking Bugs Bunny or some shit. Daffy Duck mothafucker. I don't get as much ass now that I'm married again. Man, bitches are scared of me!

I am the type of guy who is misunderstood and underestimated. People think I'm just some tough guy who beats up mothafuckers and bitches for fun. They don't know that I cry until I piss my pants when Sam I Am finally decides that he'll eat those green eggs and ham. It's a beautiful thing. There's so much beauty in the world. I've seen the beauty of fear with my own eyes. It happened when Trevor Burbeck was making womanly gestures like "Uhhh, errr, eeee," towards the end of our bout with one another.

That's how I view boxing, it's a bout with one another not against. It's like a poetic tango between two scientists. And then I come in and punch a mothafucker in the face until he bleeds. Before each match I pray for that blood to splatter on me so that I can suck it off my gloves and boxing shorts when I get back to my dressing room. My opponent's blood gives me power.

Remember that one bitch I married from that tv show? I saw that show after I married that bitch and that's why I smacked that whore. I have deamons that I cannot control.

An oft expounded upon shenanigan is my episode with Evander Holifield. I feel an explanation is in order. During my training for the second fight with Evander I developed a taste for human flesh. I stalked one elementary school and beat up an assmunch until he died form my wicked right crosses. It was funny as shit bitch. So then I ate him. Man, that lil bitch was delicious. During the fight, I saw Evander's ear, cawling me saying "Mike eat me. Please eat me," it continued, "are you a bitch Mike? If you don't take a big bite outta me you're a bitch." So a man did what he had to do.

They also say I'm stupid. I know, I can read bitch. Man I read it on tv and in the papers; I read that shit. Like they said I was stupid and crazy when I threatened to eat Lennox Lewis children. I told Lennox, "I'm gonna eat your children." Fuck that shit, I knew he didn't have any children. That's why I said it, it's called playing mindgames. I made him think about that throughout the whole fite. I'm like a sikeiatric with those mindgames and shit.

I'm not being honest. I made the eating his children remark because I was scared. I knew I would lose that fite. Lennex is bigger than me. Hes dick's bigga than mine, ya heard? I know how to fuck in the ring. I was scared like a bitch married to me. But yeah, I knew he didn't have any children, I was just scared.

I raped Woody Allen in prison. Made him my bitch, ya know. He taught me so much. He helped me see that there was more to me than intimidation. I was hurting. It was the first time I got caught for my hobby of raping people. Woody was in there for having sex with his daughter, which is fucking crazy, even for me. I mean I have sex with otha peeps daughters, but my own, damn fuck! That's ludicrous. I'm a real man. Woody taught me its ok to alleviate my pain through crying and using humor instead of raping hoes. He taught me my schooling. That's where I got this expansive vocabulary of words.

I'm just normal, tryin to do that normal thang you know. It's like all these people are looking at me. Those fiters challenge me. How dare they challenge me with their primitive fiting skills! I got those bitchass mothafuckers in the press just trying to take down a black man and a devout Muslim. I go to a restaurant and eat and don't pay for shit. I'm famous. People want to be like me. I got women and men who want to make love to me, it's that real. Real fucking life. That's my life. I just raise my kids, I love them, and hustle the only way I know how. By fiting.

Michael G. Tyson

Nats' Home Opener

The Washington Nats home schedule began on April 14th. The evening started with George Bush missing high on his first pitch. This is simply speculation, but the adrenaline was probably pumping through his veins causing him to overthrow the ball. Most would guess that this adrenaline came from the fact that Washington hosted its first Major League Baseball home game in 34 years, but actually Mr. Bush was hopped up on the cocaine.

The Washington Nats played their first home game Thursday night. It was the best thing that's happened to RFK since before he got shot.

Livan Hernandez pitched beautifully, taking a one-hit shutout into the 9th. When he gave up a three run homer with one out, Arizona cut the lead to 5-3. Chad Cordero came in to close the ordeal.

Vinny Castilla was the show. He hit a homerun, somehow legged out a triple, and garnered a double. The stage was set for him to go for a single and the Nats second cycle of the season. It was the bottom of the 8th inning when the douchebag Diamondbacks' (nicknamed the Horriblenamers) relief pitcher plunked Castilla stripping him from his chance to hit for the cycle. The crowd appropriately booed the pitcher. The next half inning, the home plate umpire called an obvious foul tip a ball. A foul tip is generally called a strike unless there are two strikes against the batter already, in which case it is nothing. Read your rule book ump!

B-dub (Brad Wilkerson) is better than advertised, except when that advertisement is his Chevy Chase bank commercial. Ryan the Church the Tabernacle has filled the void in the outfield left by Endy Chavez's futility. Luckily no sign of Antonio O-tuna (because he stinks!) and Joe Horgan the Horrible (because, you guessed it, he's horrible).

I enjoy the commentary of "Mistake-prone" Mel Procter and Ron Darling's expert analysis, but I do need to correct Mel of one comment. The bullpen has 4 of the team's 6 wins (in 10 games). Mr. Procter stated that the bullpen was thus doing a good job. In actuality, the bullpen has been the Achilles' heel of the club (look at nicknames above). The reason they have 4 wins is because they've blown it for the starter and then Jose Guillen or his brother-if-we-were-in-China Jose Vidro saves them with a clutch hit. Also everybody's favorite catcher Brian Schneider, very clutch.

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Potential Director of Intelligence in a World of Fantasy

United States government officials that have colluded in aiding tragedies have subsequently been promoted in recent times. John Negroponte (I don't even want to know what his last name really means), Paul Wolfowitz, and Condaleeza Rice are the latest to fit this description. I'm going to go beat down the guy who runs the lottery in hopes of taking home the jackpot! Adios.

Here's the highlights:
Papers illustrate Negroponte’s Contra role
Nominee was active in U.S. effort, documents show

By Michael Dobbs
The Washington Post

"As Negroponte prepares for his Senate confirmation hearing today for the new post of director of national intelligence, hundreds of previously secret cables and telegrams have become available that shed new light on the most controversial episode in his four-decade diplomatic career.

"The secret message traffic suggests that Negroponte was highly attuned to the political and public relations ramifications of embassy and State Department reporting. He occasionally berated colleagues for their lack of discretion and worked hard to maintain the fiction that Honduras was not serving as the logistical base for as many as 15,000 anti-Sandinista rebels known as the Nicaraguan Democratic Force, or FDN."

Here's the link:

This Just In...

I've got word from our news desk that the pope is still dead, I repeat the pope is still dead. We'll have more on this story as the details surface.

Monday, April 11, 2005

Smelly Tuna

The Washington Nats' inaugural season has kicked off. The Nats have started the season 3-3 in their first week. We've seen some positive signs and some not-so-positive things. The Nats have won the close games including two games that went down to the wire. Saturday night against the Marlins, it appeared that Chad Cordero had given away the lead until Jose Guillen homered in the 10th inning.

The Nats have also been blown out in each of their three loses, and shutout in the last two. Scores of 9-0 and 8-0 seem bad until you realize than Antonio Osuna was responsible for both games becoming a blowout. Both starters pitched well and deserved better. The lack of offense is a concern, but the Marlins' Dontrelle Willis and Josh Beckett are both pretty damn good, so it's not as worrisome as it could be.

I call relief pitcher Antonio Osuna "O-tuna" because he stinks!

Of course, a 3-3 record on the road is not all the bad. In fact, it's pretty good. The Nats travel to Atlanta for three against the Braves, my old favorite team. It will be an emotional scene for me personally. The Braves were the team of my childhood, the Nats are the team of my adulthood. Then the fellas come home for their first game at RFK on Thursday against Arizona.

Friday, April 08, 2005

My Choice for Pope

A new word has been invented: epopel. It will be used to define the process of selecting a new pope. I will have my own epopel online, which I guess makes it an e-epopel or something. Post your comments regarding who you think should be the next pope through our epopel. But remember, please be serious. No monkey business. My choice is Sammy Davis Jr.

Sammy Davis Jr. should be the next pope, despite the fact that he's a black Jew and has been deceased for 15 years.

Sammy Davis may seem like an unlikely choice because he would be the first black man ever to be epopeled. He would also be the first Jew ever voted the leader of the Catholics (as pope anyway). His death many years ago, makes his selection even more unlikely. However, Sammy Davis Jr. was a respected entertainer in his day. He was not like the performers of today, who are lucky to have one talent. No, he was multi-versed in delighting his audiences. Plus, wouldn't it be really cool to have a black Jewish pope? That would be a big "suck it" to the Italian delegation of cardinals.

Mr. Davis' untimely death of cancer in 1990 hurts his chances. But c'mon, of the three things hindering his chances, the dead thing is third most important behind the black and the Jewish things. Even the Catholic guy "sinning himself" in the corner knows that. Mr. Davis had a glass eye and hung out with "rat pack," some sort of popular "pack" back during an era when many Justin Timberlakes haunted the few winks Frank Sinatra caught, with their crazy dancing, not-so-good singing, and the overall unlikability this imagined army of Justin Timberlakes possessed. How prophetic Mr. Sinatra's visions were.

As exemplified by the Rat Pack, Sammy Davis hung out with Italians, so he'd be accustomed to dealing with them on a regular bases as pope. He also appeared on the Cosby Show as a deep illiterate dude, so he knows what it's all about. He'd be a natural. Sure there would be doubters. Those that managed to look past his race, his religion, and his current medical status might find other areas to disqualify him. He was married, he smoked quite a bit, and he hung out with the fucking Rat Pack for Christ-sake. Nevertheless, I am able to look beyond all of those apparent disqualifying factors and nominate Sammy Davis Jr. in my epopel.

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

Iraqi Irony

The Iraqi national Assembly chose Jalal Talabani as the nations first president of the sort. While Talabani, a Kurdish leader, was emphatically against Saddam Hussein, his name does allow for irony for U.S. "War on Terror" fans. Of course, Mr. Bush, Mr. George Bush's cocaine-induced lust for war began with an attack against Afghanistan, bombing the Taliban in Jalalabad (or Kabul, whatever, shut up!). Delicious.

The Iraqi national assembly has an ironic sense of humor, choosing a man named Jalal Talabani as president. Fans of the "War on Terror" noted the irony.

The national assembly also chose two vice presidents, but who cares, the prime minister holds most of the power.

If you want to read a real article on Talabani:

Breaking Deadlock, Iraqis Pick President and 2 Other Officials
The New York Times
By Edward Wong
Here's the Link:

2005 Women's NCAA Basketball Championship

Baylor coasted to their first championship in school history after the 2005 championship game. Michigan State never had a chance as the Baylor team proved that women are better than men. They cleansed the murderous sins of the Baylor men's team, which included a homicide and a coach's cover-up.

Baylor won the 2005 NCAA championship Tuesday night. They were happy about it.

Baylor defeated three #1 seeds on route to the crown. The last one, Michigan State, was in part thanks to Emily Niemann, Sophia Young (26 points), and Steffanie Blackmon. There would be no comeback tonight. Baylor ended the contest with a comfortable 84-62 win. Niemann's three-point shooting propelled Baylor to a big lead in the first half. From there, they never looked back.

Baylor released the stranglehold that Tennessee and UCONN have had on the title in recent years.

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

2005 Men's NCAA Basketball Championship

North Carolina head coach Roy Williams started the day with the most ever tournament wins without a championship. By night's end, he would lose that distinction. UNC began the contest on a roll. Illinois was able to come back and the championship game was off and rolling.

Sean May led the North Carolina Tar Heels to their first NCAA Championship since 1993.

What followed was disastrous for the Fighting Illini. Their center, the man designated to stop Sean May- the immovable object- James Augustine found himself in foul trouble. Head Coach Bruce Weber tried virtually everyone he could find. Jack Ingram was the most successful, actually giving his team hope for a bit in the first half. Carter, Prince, and the ghost of Kendall Gill all had their turn to try and stop May. None of it worked, not even the spirit. UNC's playmaker, Raymond Felton played his way out of foul trouble in the first half and along with Rashad McCants helped the Tar Heels grab a 40-27 lead at the half.

The halftime speech seemed to fall on deaf ears when the lead grew to fifteen at the start of the second half. Augustine picked up two more fouls on the same defensive possession, which gave onlookers the belief that Illinois' chances of winning were swimming with the fishes.

But not this Illinois group. They proved they never give up against Arizona nine days prior. And though North Carolina is a better team than the Wildcats, Illinois showed why they've been the best team in the land for the last several months. Luther Head hit his outside shots. Ingram gave his team the lift they needed. Reverend Powell contributed. Dee Brown was like a blood hound. And Darren Williams is the man who leads this crew. In the face of a 10-0 Illinois run, North Carolina would not relent. McCants disappeared, and Marvin Williams felt the pressure, but Sean May put his squad on his wide shoulders.

It was Felton and May, whose 26 points and 9 rebounds was one more board than his father grabbed in his 1976 title bout for Indiana, that came through in the clutch. Head's threes fell off the mark and North Carolina won 75-70. The evening somehow seemed incomplete. It felt we needed to watch these two teams play a series to truly determine the better team. Illinois didn't lose, they simply ran out of time. UNC did win, their fourth championship in school history.

Sunday, April 03, 2005

Sunday's Final Four

The Final Four saw three #1 seeds and one #2 make it this year. The lone deuce was Baylor who had the unfortunate task of playing the overall #1, LSU. It looked even more unfortunate when Baylor trailed by 15. Only two teams had ever come from so far behind in the Final Four. That number would double by the time the night was through.

Baylor will play Michigan State for the NCAA title on Tuesday. Both teams made stunning comebacks to get there.

Baylor's Emily Niemann came off the bench to score 14 crucial points. All-American Sophia Young aided the cause. Despite Seimone Augustus' 22 points for LSU, the best player in the country's team fell short. Kim Mulkey-Robertson had coached her Baylor squad to a 68-57 victory. After comeback to take the lead, Baylor never looked back, coasting on their newfound momentum.

In the second game, Michigan State started out emboldened against a vastly more experienced Tennessee team. Pat Summit had led her Vols to the last four Final Fours. But Tennessee would not disappear. In fact, they took a 16-point lead. Alexis Hornbuckle, who ended with 16 points, led the charge.

Michigan State appeared down and out. However, they never gave up. Slowly the lead evaporated thanks to Lindsay Bowen, especially. Liz Shimek and Victoria Lucus-Perry also contributed. Michigan State still trailed with the clock running down. Their senior, Kristin Haynie was virtually non-existent. Center Kelli Roehrig had a wide-open lay up to give her club a fighting chance. When he attempt failed to touch anything even slightly associated with a basket, the Spartan chances seemed about doomed.

Tennessee would not let Michigan State lose however. Shyra Ely committed two turnovers. The Vols fouled when they shouldn't. And Michigan State stayed close. Tennessee's outside shooting star, Shanna Zolman missed a critical three at the end of the shot clock. A wondrous steal by State gave them their first lead of the second half. Time was dwindling.

On Tennessee's last possession, Zolman fired a three from the corner that rimmed out. Roehrig, who had already made up for her miss with a clutch two, rebounded the ball and outlet for the win. A lay up later, Michigan State celebrated their 4-point win. Baylor vs. Michigan State for the championship.

BBC Report: Wait, Bob Marley's dead?

Evidently you don't have to have been living in a cave for the last 25 years to not know that Bob Marley is dead; you only have to work for the BBC. For an upcoming documentary on his song "No Woman, No Cry" the BBC requested the participation of the revolutionary singer in order to make the program "work."

Bob Marley, selfishly died of cancer (or at the hands of the CIA) to avoid partaking in a BBC documentary about him.

That reminds me of Spanish class in ninth grade. Our assignment was to learn about the life of a Latino(a) hero. I really wanted to do my project on Roberto Clemente, but some fat kid got him instead. When it was time for the presentations, the fucking fat kid didn't even know if Clemente had died or not! Neither did the teacher!!! I didn't even correct them, because I was too stupefied to say anything.

Clemente's life was epitomized by his death. On New Year's eve in 1972 (I knew this in ninth grade, he had been one of my heroes for a long time by then) Clemente boarded a plane from Puerto Rico to Nicaragua, where a deadly earthquake had just occurred, to give supplies and of himself. Tragically, his plane crashed, and his body was never found. Clemente finished his baseball career with a magic number of hits, 3,000 and as the inspiration for not only Latin American ball players for generations to come, but everyone who has heard his story. Fucking fat kid!

Get Up, Stand Up . . . or Not
Washington Post
Here's the link:

Final Four

Not often are there two distinct best teams in college basketball, and it is an even rarer occurrence for them to meet for the championship. That is what we will have this year.

The first game featured the two comeback kids from last weekend, Illinois and Louisville. The game had the paradoxical appearance of both teams overmatching the other. Illinois looked intimidated in front of the taller Cardinals, but at the same time, it seemed as if Louisville could not stop the Illini attack.

Following a quick first half, the Reverend Roger Powell Jr. took over the game. After making an uncharacteristic three, he tried another and missed. Trailing his shot, the ball never touched the ground before Powell had dunked home his own mess. Illinois looked like champions tonight. Rick Pitino's record setting season came to an end. He returns home tomorrow to once again pick up his summer job as a mid-level man for the Italian mafia.

In the second game, Michigan State looked outmatched by North Carolina. Of course, I counted Michigan State out in the first round. But the Spartans made a run the way some teams make a run in the tournament: they just scored more points than their opponents. They didn't play better, no stars were born, they never impressed, they simply scored more each game. It was hard to count out Michigan State's heart; that's how they had beaten both Duke and Kentucky.

Michigan State started the game hot. But as with all giants, UNC didn't waver. They stuck to the game plan. They ran. Tom Izzo's plan of switching defenders on Sean May to wear him out was working however. By the end of the first half, UNC was befuddled, Roy Williams had struggled with his substitutions, and Michigan State held a comfortable five-point lead.

What had kept UNC in the game during the opening session was the play of forward Jawad Williams. What would give them an easy victory would be two things. The first happened when the Tar Heels scored the second period's first six points to take the lead. The Spartans were flabbergasted, and never fully recovered. The second thing was Sean May, who turned his night around by dominating the gallant Paul Davis. Nietzel made a couple of stupid decisions that did not make me like him any more than I already didn't. North Carolina was the victor. The stage is set for Roy Williams, the most successful coach in tournament history never to win the championship against Bruce Weber, the man who coaches the team with the best record and lost his mom just one month ago. Should be a dandy.

Friday, April 01, 2005

Breaking News

I was watching CNN for some reason when I saw a message "Breaking News: Pope visits Boston in 1979. " Uh, I wonder if they realize that the pope is dying? That seems more like breaking news than a visit 26 years ago. But that's just me and I'm an idiot.

Zimbabwean Elections

There is more going on in the world than the fate of one man. Zimbabwean elections took place, where President Robert Mugabe's ZANU-PF party appears to be victorious. Mugabe has been accused of fraud for the third straight election. Mugabe is most noted for redistributing white-owned land back to black farmers.

Map of Zimbabwe. The capital, Harare, is in the northeast, and the Victoria Falls are on the western tip of the country.

Population: 12.9 million (UN, 2004)
Capital: Harare
Area: 390,759 sq km (150,873 sq miles)
Major language: English (official), Shona, Sindebele
Major religions: Christianity, indigenous beliefs
Life expectancy: 34 years (men), 33 years (women) (UN)
Monetary unit: 1 Zimbabwe dollar = 100 cents
Main exports: Tobacco, cotton, agricultural products, gold, minerals
GNI per capita: US $480 (World Bank, 2001)

Late Returns in Zimbabwe Election Point to Victory for Mugabe
Sharon LaFraniere and Michael Wines
The New York Times
Here's the link:

Mugabe's party sweeps to victory
BBC News
Here's the link:

BBC's country profile of Zimbabwe

Zimbabwe voters' views
BBC News