Wednesday, February 28, 2007

2008 Presidential Candidates

For some reason the presidential campaign has begun over a year and a half before the general election. This is absurd and distracts us from other (horrible) things going on in the world. And with that said, here are my early thoughts on the declared candidates.

In Maryland, you can only vote in the primary that coordinates with your party affiliation. So I will only address the chances of me voting for the Democratic candidates (in the primary).

Hillary Clinton - Let me first say that I love women. I have friends who are women and I even have women in my family. That being said, a woman cannot be president because they are too feeble and dainty. (I really hope none of the women I know read this, because they will beat my ass 'til I don't have an ass anymore). The major problem that I have with Clinton is that she supported the war and would do it again had the intelligence been correct. That's not acceptable with Iran possibly on the horizon.
Barack Obama - I was the first to mention that his name rhymes with Iraq Hussein Osama. I won't be the last. Yes, he represents a wind of change, but he also supports courageous and thoughtful proposals such as redeployment from Iraq, now that we know American troops can't solve the crisis over there. Um, I like him.
John Edwards - Sexy. Until now I thought being gay was biologically determined. But John Edwards makes me want to choose to be gay. He also has a gutsy campaign, focusing on economically poorer citizens. It would be an upset, but I'm still considering him.
Dennis Kucinich - I voted for him in 2004 because he was against the war and had congressional experience. But now this hobbit has pulled a Ross Perot, showing himself to be a bit of a nut job.
Bill Richardson - As you can tell from his name, the governor of New Mexico is Latino. I get a positive vibe from him, but this might be just another case of (New) Mexicans doing a job that Americans don't want.
Chris Dodd - A dud.
Joe Biden - Reminds me a bit of my Grandpa, whom I loved very dearly. But my grandpa was not the most tolerant person in the world and it's probably a good thing that he was never elected president.
Mike Gavel - Who the fuck is that?

Rudy Giuliani - A guy named Rudy has got to be for gay marriage, right? Who was the last balding president? Somebody check William McKinley's hairline.
John McCain - Five years in a North Vietnamese POW camp gets you the nickname "Maverick." Eh, it's not worth it if you ask me.
Mitt Romney - He is Mormon and a former Massachusetts governor. Good luck.
Duncan Hunter - He's probably gay.
Sam Brownback - Brownback... c'mon.
Tommy Thompson - Ashcroft's butt buddy.
Tom Tancredo - Wants to send Bill Richardson "back" to Mexico. Ted Haggard's butt buddy.
Mike Huckabee - Mike, fuck a bee. (Real mature).
Ron Paul, Jim Gilmore - I have never heard of these people.

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

The (white) Rapper Show

I liked the show. I thought ego trip did a good job. MC Serch was a good host and Prince Paul's appearances were excellent. The best part of the show (combined with ego trip's extra commentary) was that it conveyed what Hip Hop is all about. I'm a big fan of Hip Hop and its history and I learned a lot. The weakest part of the show was all the reality show drama, but I guess you need that shit to get it on tv.

A couple of quotes about the concept of the show I really like. Sacha Jenkins said, "Ultimately, it's a conversation about race in the hands of white people." I believe it was Gabriel Alvarez who said essentially that the rappers were so concerned about the image they were transmitting through the screen that they failed to take another step back and realize that it was just a game.

Dasit - He quit. In the words of Sacha Jenkins, "People eat tarantula balls on reality shows, you can't rap? You're a rapper!"
Misfit - Her gimmick is her looks and well, I didn't find her very attractive.
G-Child - She was likeable, but not a good emcee.
100 Proof - I liked his respect for Hip Hop, but beyond a dude with a mohawk who can rap, there's not much there.
Sullee - I identified with him at certain times during the show. Once he realizes that he's not that good, he'll be much better. He's witty and has a lot of heart, but he needs to ignore all the bullshit and focus on the story he wants to tell.
JonBoy - I liked him for a bit, but the hypocrisy of his Christianity vs his sinner side was too much for me. His last episode, he represented everything wrong with society. Hypocrites are worse than fundamentalists; I can appreciate when people do what they say, even if it's fucking crazy.
Persia - She was likeable, but something was missing. Her swagger reminded me of my aunt, which is a good thing.
Jus Rhyme - Damn. I wanted to root for this political rapper. He was just so corny. His scholarly ideology had nothing to do with reality. The reason one goes to school is to put reality into context, not to detach from it.

The Finals: Jon Brown surprised me with his lyrical ability and flow. His 16 bars and his song were cool, but his show sucked. I've never seen someone on stage just stand there like he had a stick up his ass. I'm surprised he wasn't booed off for that. Obviously, he was smarter than he portrayed, but he wasn't as smart as he thought he was. Ultimately, he was just an image, a fraud who dissed his friend on national tv. On the other hand, Shamrock's performance was much better. I love thoughtful songs; that's what I listen to all the time, but that doesn't work on stage. Shamrock's song was good enough. I liked him and I'm glad he won. And he didn't rhyme slow as molasses like some other southern rappers.

Monday, February 26, 2007

Evil Leaders League, Week 6

The first season of the ELL is winding down, I think. Here are the results from Week 6:

Kim vs Chavez
A battle of the evil titans. A South Korean spy named Choi San-Bak (oops, maybe I shouldn't have revealed his name) claims that Kim Jong-Il has a strong grip on power in North Korea. There are no rifts in the ruling party (take notes Mugabe, you could learn a thing from Kim).

It was a great week for Kim. Several Russian non-governmental organizations elected him an honorary member of the International Academy of the Social Sciences. He was given the award for “outstanding services in establishing cordial relations between the two countries, patronage of literature and arts as well as for support of charity initiatives.” Also, Kim was awarded the fund’s order in 2005 “For outstanding contribution to the cause of revival and prosperity of the world,” which is not at all ironic, considering North Korea's prosperous situation. Kim was also given Aerosmith's 2007 "Dude Looks Like A Lady" Award last Tuesday.

Hugo Chavez claims that George Bush's trip to Latin America is designed to isolate Venezuela from it's neighbors and cause dissension in the region. What an ego trip! Chavez also claims that private property in his country is not in jeopardy, which is not evil, but not not evil. All in all, a decent performance from Chavez, but Kim came to play, or I guess- evil lead- this week.
winner: Kim

Hussein vs Castro
Saddam Hussein is still dead. Cuba has thrown out a couple of foreign reporters prompting the US to describe the island nation as a police state. But Fidel Castro ain't in power, so that has no bearing on his matchup. Castro wins however, because being alive is better than being dead... as long as you're not one of these evil leaders' subjects.
winner: Castro

Lukashenko vs Ahmadinejad
The Belarusian president, Alexander Lukashenko, has powerful friends and enemies in Russia. In a speech this past week he praised Boris Yeltsin and "early" Vladimir Putin, while deriding "late" Putin. I've got bad news for Lukashenko, "late" Putin is the only one in power right now. Way to piss off the one dude you needed to keep you in power dumbass.

Don't worry, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad will make sure than Iran's nuclear program will continue! In an adept move, Iran's president said, "The Iranian nation does not have any feeling of hatred and opposition towards the American people," adding that, "due to the repeated mistakes made by the American leadership, the image of the United States is becoming tarnished in the region." Very shrewd. He finished by saying," And did anyone see Britney Spears this week? Why did she shave her head? I think she might be a bit unstable."
winner: Ahmadinejad

Mugabe vs al-Bashir
Happy Birthday Robert Mugabe! The evil leader turned 83 on Wednesday and had cake and everything, while the people of Zimbabwe could not find bread in their grocery stores thanks to Mugabe's price controls which were aimed at quelling the country's enormous inflation rate (that wasn't a fat joke, my pledge for Lent is safe). That's very evil. Except it might lead to his ousting as president. Sudan's Omar al-Bashir signed a peace deal with Chad (the country, not his secret lover) to keep the violence in Darfur from spilling across the border. Looks like a clear win for Mugabe- celebration in the face of poverty vs signing a peace deal- but wait. Omar al-Bashir signed the deal so that what happens in Sudan stays in Sudan! And will keep happening in Sudan! And what is happening is genocide. Evil checkmate.
winner: al-Bashir

Kim J-I 5-1
Ahmad 5-1
Chavez 4-2
al-Bash 4-2
Lukash 3-3
Mugabe 2-4
Castro 1-5
Hussein 0-6

Sunday, February 25, 2007

2007 Oscars

I didn't see too many movies this year. A lot for me though. I saw Little Miss Sunshine on video. It was ok. Borat was great. I liked Rocky 6. And I saw some kids movie with my little cousin, I forget the name. And I thought I heard something about Chariots of Fire, I really liked that movie.

The Oscars are ending as I'm writing this. Ellen DeGeneres was funny. It seemed like Clint Eastwood had a stroke on stage. Jerry Seinfeld was good. The montages were fairly shitty. I want to have hot sexual relations with Gwyneth Paltrow, if you know what I mean. I mean I want to have the sex with her. I'm glad Forest Whitaker won. I liked the speech from the West Bank Story Jew and it was cute when Steven Schpielberg gave Martin Scorsese a "Mazel Tov!" Was Marv Levy there?

Saturday, February 24, 2007

Principles of the Manduck Matchup Zone

Use: The Manduck matchup zone should be used for 2 on 2 basketball play, when you have a short quick guy and a big slower guy on your team and are facing two guys in between.

Objective: You want to prevent the opponent from posting up the little guy or isolating against the big guy on the perimeter. Our goal is to force an outside shot from their weaker shooter, let's call him Corey.

Execution: The little guy guards the better shooter- let's call him Jon- tightly until Jon enters the post. The big guy stays within 15 feet of the basket, even if Corey goes outside.

If Jon enters the post (within 10 feet of the basket) without the ball, the big guy switches onto him. The little guy then recovers on Corey. Ideally, Corey panics and shoots a tough shot.

If Jon then comes back outside and the ball is passed to him, the defense feigns like it's double teaming and the little guy takes over guarding Jon as the big guy falls to guard Corey in the post, if he's smart enough to cut to the basket.

Bottom Line: You want to use your strengths (the little guy's quickness and the big guy's height) and play to their weakness (Corey's outside shooting or a post shot contested by the big guy). If you achieve this, you should be able to exorcise your demons and beat a couple of kids who were Freshmen when you were Seniors.

Friday, February 23, 2007

A Slightly Offensive Look at the Dniester Conflict

Dniester is a small area located across the river from Moldova. It is technically part of Moldova. Moldova is an eastern European country that gained independence after the collapse of the Soviet Union. Dniester declared its independence from Moldova soon after, which led to an armed conflict between the two sides, ending in 1992. Dniester still claims its independent, though is not internationally recognized as such.

  • The leader of Dniester is Igor Smirnov. Smirnov wears a big funny hat, kicks his legs out when he dances occasionally yelling "HEY!", enjoys a friendly local version of a game called roulette, and wants Dniester to be part of the Russian union. Most people of Dniester are ethnically Ukrainian or Russian, not Moldovan.
  • Moldovan President Vladimir Voronin might be the only person in the world who knows where Moldova's located. Voronin wants Dniester to remain part of Moldova because they are richer than the shit hole of a country that he has governed. It's to the point where the Moldovan population wishes they were in that bastion of prosperity, Romania.
  • Russia has had 1,500 troops located in Dniester since the end of the conflict. While they officially claim that Dniester is with Moldova, they secretly want some of that on the side. The signs are obvious. Putin gives Smirnov back rubs when Voronin's out working late. They go out on "business" dinners, but we all know Putin's hoping for more.
  • Ukrainian President Viktor "Orange is the New Black" Yushchenko wants Dniester to be autonomous within Moldova and not part of Russia. Basically, he doesn't want to be surrounded by Russia, because they smell.

Recently, Dniester's leaders have avowed that being part of Moldova is no longer an option. They want at least Kosovo-status. Presumably in terms of legal status and not in terms of war-tornness.

Thursday, February 22, 2007

Exit of a Chief

At every University of Illinois basketball home game since 1942, the student playing Chief Piss-On-Your-Grave dances around in full "engine" garb, inspiring the crowd. That era is now over.

Why is it over? Because Amerindians feel that it's offensive. I hope they were happy watching the Illinois faithful cry as they were stripped of their chief. What more do these Amerindians want? Haven't they taken enough from America? I mean, they've taken... um... well there was that.... remember when... Califor... how about the genoci... hmm... well I guess they haven't taken anything. In fact, Americans have killed them, raped them, stole their land, impoverished them, thrown garbage on the ground, and mocking them through sports teams.

A white dude dressing up like a caricature of a chief is just wrong. Why the fuck were people crying now that this dark exercise is over? I guess people cried when the minstrel show died. America is a fucked up place.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Observing Lent

This year I'm going to observe Lent with my stout Catholic friend Mike. I've pledged to give up "fat jokes" for the next 40 days (although Mike said that Catholics get Sundays off, so we'll see what happens then). I'm also going to give up meat and only eat one meal on Fridays. Lent overlaps Passover, so there will be one Friday with no meat and no bread. If the people of Darfur can make a livelihood out of it, I think I can manage for a day. I'm going to attend mass as well. I really want to end with a fat joke of some kind; this whole thing is gonna be hard.

Happy Ash Wednesday to all non-anti-Semitic observers.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Evil Leaders League, Week 5

Week 5 of the ELL:

Chavez vs Lukashenko
Hugo Chavez of Venezuela has two things going for him. One is his threat to jail grocery store owners who don't comply with his price controls. He's also threatened to nationalize their businesses. All of that is right up an evil hero's alley. The other thing is that my friend Kristen wrote a paper on him for grad school. Belarus' President Alexander Lukashenko reportedly wants to join the European Union. It's hard to be an evil leader when you got people looking over your shoulder. If jailing grocers wasn't enough, Kristen's efforts give Hugo Chavez an easy victory.
winner: Chavez

Kim vs Ahmadinejad
Kim Jong-Il of North "mothafuckin" Korea has decided to ban Japanese cars. Hey asshole, this is the Evil Leaders League, not the Crazy Leaders League. Everyone knows Japan makes better cars than North Korea. Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (take your time with prouncing it Tony Snow) puts the fear of G-d in Mor(m)on US presidential candidate Mitt Romney. Ahmadinejad didn't even do shit. In fact, he's losing support at home. Mahmoud's just a hustler baby. Iran also shut down a web site talking shit about Mahmy. Kim got schooled this week.
winner: Ahmadinejad

Mugabe vs Hussein
Zimbabwe's leader Robert Mugabe is in trouble. The opposition party MDF was allowed to hold a protest rally, which was designed to launch their presidential campaign for 2008. Mugabe hopes to postpone elections until 2010. Democracy is not an evil leader's friend. But he wins anyway because his opponent, Saddam Hussein, is dead.
winner: Mugabe

al-Bashir vs Castro
Omar al-Bashir, the president of Sudan, should be a bit farklempt. Violence in Darfur is only increasing. And people are noticing, I hope. It's to the point where aid workers are victims of violence, not just innocent people from Darfur. Rwanda's president Paul Kagame says that the situation in Darfur is reminiscent of the genocide in his own country during 1994. But, al-Bashir does not have an artificial anus like his opponent. Omar is also in power, something that Fidel Castro also can't say. That's not the only thing stroke face can't say.
winner: al-Bashir

Kim J-I 4-1
Chavez 4-1
Ahmad 4-1
Lukash 3-2
al-Bash 3-2
Mugabe 2-3
Castro 0-5
Hussein 0-5

Monday, February 19, 2007

All Star Game Recap

Led me start by saying that Wayne Newton is terrible. And his fake face is ugly. He's terribugly.

Kobe Bryant won the MVP award and led the West to an easy victory. Bryant ended with 31 points, and at least 5 assists, rebounds, and steals. Marion, Stoudemire, and Carmelo Anthony all played well for the West as well. In fact, everyone on either team played well except for Caron Butler. But the night belonged to Kobe, who is clearly the best player in the league right now- though not the most likeable. He's almost has a Jordanesk aura about him when he's dribbling the ball up court hunched over.

After Shaq dunked one home, he kissed Tracy McGrady, reminiscent of Dick Bavetta kissing Charles Barkley on Saturday. I love the love. But that's what basketball is all about. And that's why it's the best sport in the world.

Sunday, February 18, 2007

All Star Saturday Recap

I can't wait for the Raptors to move south so we can cut the number of national anthems at the All Star Game in half. I've always thought playing the national anthem before sporting events was ridiculous.

Dwyane Wade won the skills challenge for the second straight year. After Jason Kapono put on a 3-point show, tying Mark Price's final round record of 24 points, Wade yelled at somebody, "He's gotta eat." He was right; Kapono might need the winner's check to be able to afford to eat. Hey, he's no Nowitzki or Arenas. Charles Barkley out-ran the 67-year old diving Dick Bavetta. Then Tim Hardaway said, "I hate gay people." Oh wait, that last one happened earlier this week.

The dunk contest had a lot of solid dunks, but none for the ages. Hands down the best dunk of the night was when Paul Pierce threw the ball off of the side of the backboard and Gerald Green catapulted up, caught it, and dunked it home two-handed. Nate Robinson's first dunk was awesome too, gliding through the air with his legs flailing. I also liked his twirling dunk grabbing the ball out of David Lee's out-stretched hand. Lee is over a foot taller than his teammate Robinson. Nate's last dunk was really nice, but I do think he should have lost points for missing it 10 times, even though he's my man.

Gerald Green's dunk over Nate was cool, but Nate's over Spud last year was better. His contest winning dunk over the table got him a 50, but I thought it was kinda weak, at least compared to everyone's (over) reaction. Dwight Howard's sticker dunk was probably the third best dunk of the night. To be able to have the mind-power to catch and dunk the ball with one hand and slap a sticker to the top of the backboard was mind-boggling. But being a 7-footer rightfully hurt his scores. In the end Gerald Green got the win giving me an 0-4 night.

Saturday, February 17, 2007

NBA All Star Predictions

First I want to congratulate the Knicks David Lee for winning the MVP award in last night's Rookie-Sophomore game. He scored 30 points on 14-14 shooting. Go Knicks!

My predictions in bold.

Dick Bavetta
Charles Barkley

Skills Challenge:
Dwyane Wade
LeBron James
Kobe Bryant
Chris Paul

3-point contest:
Dirk Nowitzki
Gilbert Arenas
Damon Jones
Jason Kapono
Mike Miller
Jason Terry

Slam Dunk contest:
Nate Robinson
Gerald Green
Dwight Howard
Tyrus Thomas

Thursday, February 15, 2007

High Five For Gays

John Amaechi, an awful basketball player, recently announced that he is gay. His declaration made me want to learn more about "The Gay Athlete" DUN DUN DUN!

I learned that the high five was popularized by baseball player Glenn Burke, who was gay. YEAH! High five for Glenn Burke! High five for gay baseball players! High five for gay expressions of camaraderie! High five for John Amaechi and his terrible basketball skills. No, nobody? YOU'RE ALL HOMOPHOBES!

I learned that Canadian track and field athlete Brian Marshall won the decathlon in the 1990 Gay Games and then came out publicly in 1993, which shows the over-whelming popularity of the Gay Games. Brian Marshall, an Olympian and 2-time NCAA All-American, beat the likes of Kenny from marketing and Bruce the lawyer to capture the Gay Games gold.

The rest of the list of gay athletes is just about the saddest thing this side of Matthew Sheppard. Shame, suicides, diseases, death, and- strangely- female handball players. C'mon people, let's have some inspiring gay athletes. Not John Amaechi though, he was horrible at basketball. I mean, go to his basketball camp; he's still the best British player ever. But the call for inspirational gay athletes stands. The NBA seems to be the right path, even if Tim Hardaway and Karl Malone are huge bigots. And I'm sure Alonzo Mourning is too, he's a horrible person.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Gay Ball Players

Apparently, former NBA player John Amaechi is gay. I just thought he was British. After Amaechi's announcement, the NBA patted itself on the back for being so tolerant. It's true that the NBA is more progressive/liberal/enlightened than the MLB or NFL. Black coaches have been around since the 1960s, black people are in upper management, and people from all over the world are welcomed in the NBA.

The reactions to Amaechi's announcement fit that perception to a startling degree. They ranged from Charles Barkley's- I have plenty of gay friends, who the hell cares who he sleeps with- to David Stern's- This is a league of diversity where the only question is do you have game?- to LeBron James'- The locker room is a place of trust and I would want to know while we played because a team is a family. This is a far cry from former NFL player Garrison Hearst's- I don't want to play with no faggots. Stern's comment concerns me a bit, because I hope he would realize the importance of a gay professional athlete and act on the player's behalf when needed. LeBron would be offended if he wasn't told by a teammate, because it would be a breech of trust- it seems so extreme (in the right direction); I love it.

So the NBA is ahead of its time, right? Well, not exactly. It's just not as behind as the other two major leagues. In a league where 2/3rds of the players are black, league management doesn't reflect that number. The NBA has one black majority owner, and it's the former owner of BET- feh. And Amaechi is the first person ever to have played in the NBA to come out. So, while I was pleasantly surprised by the NBA's reaction to John Amaechi's news, it might be too early for too much self-congratulation. Oh and if you're wondering if John Amaechi was good enough at basketball to be remembered, let's just say he's lucky he's gay.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Evil Leaders League, Week 4

For week 4, The ELL gets a little help from Parade magazine's list of "The World's 10 Worst Dictators," because everyone knows that the worst dictators make the best evil leaders.

Kim vs Castro
Parade magazine ranked Kim Jong-Il #2. They called him a wily politician. He's shown this throughout recent negotiations with South Korea, Japan, China, Russia, and the US. Kim makes outrageous energy demands so that his less-outrageous demands seem more reasonable. He acquired this skill at the Bill O'Reilly School of Being a Dick or BOSBD. The six partners have reached a tentative agreement where North Korea kinda shuts down their nuclear program in exchange for energy and humanitarian aid. It's the same deal I have with my mother.

Castro was unrated because he's not in power. But even if Fidel Castro was in power and didn't have an artificial anus, he would lose this matchup, because of the active- though small- Jewish community in Cuba. Jews have been practicing more and more since the ban on religious freedom was lifted in 1992. What kind of evil leader allows Jews to pick up the pieces of their shattered lives? Not a very good one.
winner: Kim

Ahmadinejad vs Hussein
Parade did not rank Ahmadinejad, opting instead to list Ayatollah Khamenei, the true authority in Iran, at #3. Ahmadinejad gave his much anticipated speech Sunday, marking the 28th anniversary of the Iranian Revolution, and, well... it was pretty weak. "The Iranian nation on February 11, 2007 passed the arduous passes and stabilised its definite (nuclear) right." Now we're supposed to wait until April 9th for the good stuff and hopefully a better translated sentence ("passed the arduous passes "- what the fuck?). A poor showing for the Iranian president. Could he actually lose to a Sunni Arab this week? No, because that Sunni Arab Saddam Hussein was also unrated. Cuz he's dead.
winner: Ahmadinejad

al-Bashir vs Chavez
Omar al-Bashir of Sudan was #1 in Parade magazine. Besides his striking appearance to Michael Wilbon's father, he garnered the top spot for sitting on a genocide. Venezuela's Hugo Chavez didn't make the list because technically he could be removed from power by legal means. The country did buy Verizon's stake in the television station CANTV, hoping to put it back under state control. Also, Venezuelan officials can now take control of food distribution if they so desire. Chavez is turning into an evil leader mastermind with all of these government controls and increased executive power. But the democratic loophole combined with al-Bashir's lofty rank in the world of worst dictators, makes the outcome of this contest clear.
winner: al-Bashir

Lukashenko vs Mugabe
Alexander Lukashenko was ranked 14th. He continues to try to forge ties between Belarus and Iran. Robert Mugabe was rated 7th by Parade magazine because "under his rule the health and well-being of his people have dropped dramatically, which is as much an abuse of human rights as arbitrary arrest and torture." That's not evilness; that's incompetence! And for some reason he dropped from 4th last year, even though the condition in Zimbabwe has deteriorated to a tremendous degree within the year. Inflation in the country may have reached 1600% but Mugabe's win total goes up infinity percent after this one. Mugabe was 7 places better at being evil than Lukashenko, who didn't even get a mini bio or a picture in the magazine.
winner: Mugabe

Kim J-I 4-0
Chavez 3-1
Ahmad. 3-1
Lukash. 3-1
al-Bash. 2-2
Mugabe 1-3
Castro 0-4
Hussein 0-4

Monday, February 12, 2007

The Hot Dog Bun Fiasco

We had extra hot dogs at the house, so I went to Giant (the grocery store) to buy some hot dog buns. I went to the self-check out with my cart of groceries and began scanning. There was a problem when I tried to scan the hot dog buns. The woman bagging the groceries tried also, but failed.

Then a bombardment of women who worked there came over to me asking questions. One asked about the check-out screen, "What is this? What did you do?" I answered wide-eyed, "She did it. I didn't do anything." The other said that she worked in the bakery and knew of every kind of bread and Giant didn't carry this kind. She asked, "Was this the only one of its kind on the shelf?" It had been. They told me that those buns weren't in the system.

I'm standing there wondering if someone sneaked the hot dog buns into Giant and then put them in the right place in the store? What kind of fucked up individual are we dealing with here? Who sneaks hot dog buns into a Giant?

So I went back and got another brand of hot dog buns.

Sunday, February 11, 2007

Undateable Women

I wonder how many women in America I couldn't date solely due to the fact that I'm a Jew. It's a hard question to try and figure but I'm guessing it's about 50%, though I'm a bit of an optimist. The number could be much higher. Any guesses?

Saturday, February 10, 2007

The Moderate Times

The HarazQuack Times is far more moderate than its proprietor. Many people use the comfort of the internet's anonymity to say the craziest shit that comes to their minds. For the most part, I let my reasonable side shine through. I mean, just read how cordial I was towards those neo-nazis... Done? See? Now imagine what I wanted to say. If you said "they are baby rapers," then you are right.

In politics, I talk about Democrats this and Republicans that. In reality, white Christian men run the country and they use the other groups in America. Black people are the most hated group. The power system will stop at nothing to make these people suffer. I have no idea where this hatred comes from, but I could rattle off about 100 examples of how the system conspires to make their lives suck right now, and I'm not even black! For Americans, unless you're a neo-nazi baby raper or stand to gain from the system (many times the same thing), you know that all people of color are treated like shit.

Jews have been racialized as white in the last 50 years. This way we can be used as pawns. Nowadays you see Jews acting white as if they're not Jewish at all. And then some Jews think they're helping their people by fighting for the Christian Conservatives right to control Israel, i.e. Paul Wolfowitz and Douglas Feith- important Jewish sell outs. Many Jews jumped at their chance to profit from this racist arrangement- suddenly becoming white- without concern that they were selling their soul and selling out their people. The reality is that the powerful white Christian man hates Jews, maybe more than he hates black people. Probably not. But it's a different kind of hatred.

White people might be mad at me now. "I'm poor. White power hasn't helped me." You're also a tool. Part of the ignorant masses, kept down by poverty, but too ignorant to realize it, so you blame people of color and Jews for your misfortune, instead of.... drum roll please.... the powerful white man, who makes your life suck and then tells you to blame these other groups. I agree with Dead Prez, "Know your enemy, know yourself. That's the politic. George Bush is way worse than bin Laden is." But many of you will never accept that and instead call me a terrorist. That's cool; the truth hurts.

Friday, February 09, 2007

The Neo-Nazi Threat

Friends and family members have asked me to stop my incessant badgering of neo-nazis. They want me to stop posting disparaging remarks towards them on my site and cease posting mocking messages on theirs. My friends and family are not sympathetic to the neo-nazi cause, they just fear for my safety. They say that somehow the neo-nazis can track me down.

Eh, I'm not scared.

I welcome the neo-nazis. I would love to talk to you and I've even taken classes on how to speak Ree-tard, your native language. I want to know why you hate. Is it the red necks? Sunscreen will take care of that. Maybe talking to a Jew will change your minds. Sometimes I can be a bit of a sarcastic schmuck, but for the most part I'm a pretty nice guy. I can make matzos ball soup and latkes. This time I ask that you ring the doorbell instead of spray-painting swastikas. Come at night, I'm cranky in the morning.

Thursday, February 08, 2007

Evil Leaders League, Week 3

Results from Week 3 of the ELL:

Chavez vs Mugabe
Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez keeps right on rolling. Chavez has something that the New York Times calls "Chavismo," which is better than Lou Gerhig's Disease, or so the article hints. Chavez has nationalized numerous industries and has declared rule by decree for the next 18 months. This is the stuff of Evil Leaders League legend. I can hear the debates already: Is Chavez a better evil leader than Peyton Manning is at quarterback?

Zimbabwe President Robert Mugabe hasn't been as lucky. His country's economy has experienced a steady slight decline for a while, but things have gotten drastically worse recently. Everyone in the medical profession is on strike and the lower-level police officers are contemplating rioting. Hyper-inflation has led to poverty for most of the country's residents and in a very short time. What is worse for Mugabe is that his party is blaming HIM! Many in his party are against his plan to extend his rule by 2 years. His party disagrees with him and is calling for elections soon; this is disastrous for an evil leader. Sounds like Zimbabwe may be on the road to... (gulp) DEMOCRACY?!
winner: Chavez

Kim vs al-Bashir
Kim Jong-Il of North Korea says that the three biggest fools of the 21st century are computer illiterates, smokers, and people who are tone-deaf. One of his sons is fat and lives in Macau. Omar al-Bashir of Sudan is trying to prevent United Nations peacekeepers from entering Darfur, the location of genocide. He will probably fail. Also, they gave the chair of the African Union to the leader of Ghana John Kufuor, instead of al-Bashir as he had hoped. Kim's benign (though insensitive) eccentricity leads him to victory in this one.
winner: Kim

Ahmadinejad vs Castro
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad hasn't done too much lately, but conservatives in America are scared shitless at what he might do. They tremble at the very mention of his name. Or at least tremble at the very attempt to pronounce his name. And he has an upcoming announcement scheduled for February 11th. Castro still has an artificial anus. In other Fidel Castro news, Miami, Florida could erupt in celebration when he dies. Also, the anti-Castro televisions station TV Marti is beaming to Cuba. Not being in power, Castro suffers defeat here.
winner: Ahmadinejad

Lukashenko vs Hussein
The president of Belarus, Alexander Lukashenko, claims that his opposition makes money from Westerners by opposing him. Calling political opponents corrupt, good idea. But his country stands to take a $5 billion hit because Russia increased its oil prices to the eastern European country. Lukashenko is trying to balance his anger and the potential trouble this may cause with his need for Russia as an ally. But he wins easily because Saddam Hussein is still dead.
winner: Lukashenko

Chavez 3-0
Kim J-I 3-0
Lukash. 3-0
Ahmad. 2-1
al-Bash. 1-2
Mugabe 0-3
Castro 0-3
Hussein 0-3

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Israel, Child Predators, and Astronauts' Diapers

Recently I talked with convicted child predator Rabbi David Kaye about the situation in Israel. This is that conversation:

Rabbi Kaye: Hey there sexy.
Me: Sorry Rabbi, I'm actually too old for you; I'm just short.
Rabbi Kaye: Oh ok. Got any younger brothers?
Me: Um, let's move on. Rabbi, I wanted to ask what do you think about Israel?
Rabbi Kaye: Israel exists to protect the Jewish people.
Me: Hmm, I see Israel protecting the Jewish people in the same way a child predator believes that he is protecting the child. In reality, the predator fucks the children and leaves them scarred. True protection would have benefited the child, but this actually had nothing to do with protection, it was about releasing aggression. The predator does not have the child's best interest at heart and neither does Israel with regards to the Jewish people. Rabbi?
Rabbi Kaye: Huh?

The astronaut- who drove from Texas to Florida, wearing a diaper so she wouldn't have to stop, to kill a potential rival for her lover- is a bad thing for women. It furthers the stereotype that women are irrational and emotional, just like Rabbi Kaye is bad for Jews, furthering the stereotype that Jews are blood-sucking devils.

But then I thought about it a little. If you don't want to stop on a journey, wearing a diaper makes perfect sense. It's totally rational. I mean, not wanting to stop because you're trying to kill someone is not so rational. So in the end, it's about 50-50.

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

2006-2007 NFL All H-duk Team

This is the eleventh annual NFL All-H-duk Team. The numbers beside the names indicates how many times that player has made the team. If there is no number, this is their first selection. A * indicates that the player was on my fantasy team.

Head Coach: NO- Sean Payton

Quarterbacks: Ind- Peyton Manning 6th; NO- Drew Brees; NE- Tom Brady 2nd.

Running Backs: SD- LaDanian Tomlinson; SF- Frank Gore; KC- Larry Johnson.

Fullback: SD- Lozenzo Neal.

Wide Receivers: Ind- Marvin Harrison 5th; Cin- Chad Johnson 3rd; Stl- Torry Holt 2nd; Car- Steve Smith* 2nd.

Tight Ends: SD- Antonio Gates 3rd; NO- Marques Colston; Bal- Todd Heap.

Offensive Line: Chi- Ruben Brown 3rd; Sea- Walter Jones 2nd; SD- Nick Hardwick; NO- Jammal Brown; NE- Matt Light.

Defensive Line: Jax- Marcus Stroud; SD- Jamal Williams; Car- Julius Peppers 3rd; Buf- Aaron Schobel.

Linebackers: Bal- Ray Lewis 7th; Chi- Brian Urlacher 5th; Dal- Demarcus Ware; Sea- Julian Peterson.

Secondary: Den- Champ Bailey 3rd; Bal- Chris McAllister; Phi- Brian Dawkins 3rd; Chi- Charles Tillman.

Kicker: Chi- Robbie Gould.

Punter: NO- Steve Weatherford.

Kick Returner: Buf- Terrence McGee 3rd.

Punt Returner: Chi- Devin Hester

Special Teams Cover Men: Bal- Trevor Pryce; SD- Kassim Osgood.

Monday, February 05, 2007

Super Bowl XLI Recap

Even though Kristen won't read this, I'll proceed anyway. Tony Dungy became the first black coach to win a Super Bowl. Lovie Smith became the first black coach to lose in a Super Bowl. Dungy was right when he said that wasn't the first with the ability. The NFL has always been plagued by racism and the fact that it took until 2007 for a black coach to make it to the Super Bowl speaks to the lack of opportunities for black people to be a head coach.

In the worst weather for a Super Bowl since Super Bowl IX, the Colts dominated the Bears beyond what final score represents. The Bears defense could not stop the Colts running attack. The Bears cornerbacks were forced to play conservative, allowing Peyton Manning to go underneath whenever he wanted.

It took Devin Hester 14 seconds to make an impact on this game and prove me wrong in the process. He ran back the opening kickoff for a touchdown for the first time in a Super Bowl. That began a wild first quarter that saw a total of 4 turnovers. The Colts were able to tie the score thanks to a long pass to Reggie Wayne, but failed on the extra point attempt. A long Thomas Jones run created a 14-6 Bears lead. Peyton Manning and his offensive line controlled the rest of the game.

The Colts kicking game left 4 points on the board, but Rex Grossman made sure those miscues didn't matter, thanks to mistakes of his own. He fumbled to key snaps and threw two interceptions in the forth quarter. One was to Kelvin Hayden who orchestrated a symphony to the end zone ultimately securing victory for the Colts, 29-17. I would have wanted to vote for Jeff Saturday for MVP, because the Colts running game was so strong, but Peyton Manning won. Manning was deserved of the award, though he didn't have the greatest game in history.

While Tony Dungy is usually classy, he credited his win to being a Christian coach. Somewhere Marv Levy shed a tear and so did I. My favorite commercial was Coke's twist of Grand Theft Auto. I'm a softy cornball at heart. The worst commercial was GM's firing the robot, who didn't have any other skills and committed suicide. Considering GM has a history of firing its hardworking employees (anybody see Roger & Me?), this was just a mean commercial that taunted the company's former employees.

Sunday, February 04, 2007

Super Bowl XLI Preview

Indianapolis Colts vs Chicago Bears
On first glance, this is a matchup between a near-legendary offense and a great defense. But things are often not as they seem.

The Colts offense is great. Peyton Manning and his array of pass catchers will ensure that the Colts put points on the board. Rookie running back Joseph Addai has always come up with the necessary yardage when his team needed it the most.

Many people believe that the Bears defense will people to shut down Manning. But the Bears defense is a timely bunch, not a dominating one. The must create turnovers and they very well may, Manning has struggled this postseason, but it still may not be enough.

On the other side of the ball, the Bears have been able to run the ball. Rex Grossman is always good for a long pass when needed as well. I don't believe that he'll have one of his miserable games today. He is an adequate quarterback, who may have had 4 of the worst games in the history of the NFL. I expect a decent game from Grossman. He may make the crucial mistake, like Vince Ferragamu in Super Bowl XIV, but he won't complete more passes to the other team than his own.

The Colts defense couldn't stop the run during the regular season. Bob Sanders didn't play much of that time, but he's been back for the playoffs. In addition to being such a great player, Sanders allows the rest of the Colts defense to focus or their individual strengths. If Nick Harper can't go, that's a big loss for the Colts, but with Bob Sanders, the Colts should be fine.

Both teams have great special teams. Chicago kicker Robbie Gould has been big all year. Everyone knows of the heroic exploits of Adam Vinatieri on the Colts side. I don't believe that the Bears ace rookie returner Devin Hester will have much of an impact.

The Colts will win 31-21 with Peyton Manning winning the MVP award. He won't have one of the greatest games of all time, but it will be good enough. Between Marvin Harrison, Reggie Wayne, and Dallas Clark, the receiver that will come up big depends on which one the Bears want to shut down. It's really a know win situation for them.
Wrapping things up, yes I hate the halftime show and all of the pomp that goes with the Super Bowl. I do like the commercials though. For some reason, I've been reading a lot that disparages announcer Phil Simms. I like him, I'm not sure what that's about. I even like Jim Nantz as an NFL announcer.

Saturday, February 03, 2007

Donald, The Reluctant Neo-Nazi

A group of neo-nazis were hanging out, circle jerking it to Hitler on the History Channel. They finished up, cleaned up, and pulled their pants up.

Then the group of neo-nazis said, "Let's go kill some black people. Yeah, let's kill those ni..." That's when Donald chimed in, "Um, excuse me guys, hi, yeah, could you not say that word; it bothers me. It's offensive."

The neo-nazis' jaws dropped, "WHAT?"
"The n-word makes me uncomfortable guys. It's hurtful. I'm all for white supremacy, but not if it's going to offend people," Donald clarified.
"What the fuck?" The neo-nazis were stupefied. 'The audacity of this man,' they would have thought if they weren't so retarded. They didn't know what to do, so they decided to do what neo-nazis always do: they kicked the shit out of Donald and then each had sex with their own sister.

Donald went home disillusioned. That night he fell asleep yanking it to his tape recordings of Ronald Reagan. Ok, so maybe he wasn't that disillusioned.

I was also thinking about calling this "Donald, The Neo-Nazi Who Once Took an Ethnic Studies Class in College" but it's too long.

Friday, February 02, 2007

The Old Jewish Couple

Abraham and Ethel are in their mid 80s and have been married for nearly 60 years. We meet them as Abraham drives to the airport to pick up Ethel. They're both excited to see each other again.

Ethel just got back from a conference dealing with Jewish issues. She's an industrious octogenarian. Abraham gets to the airport, but he's not sure where to park. He parks near Terminal C, because it says Continental, forgetting that it's referring to the airline and not location. Luckily for Abraham, Ethel has no idea he parked in the wrong place or she'd let him have it.

Driving home, Abraham takes the wrong tunnel into the city, as usual. Ethel has no idea what's going on, but she yells at him anyway, figuring he must have done something wrong. Still driving through the city, Ethel screams "Citibank!" every time she spots her bank, as she's done for the past 60 years. Then she tells an old anecdote, "I know the owner of Citibank."
"No you don't. You MET him once and talked to him for twenty minutes," Abraham replies.
"That's not true! I KNOW him. And I talked to him twice. One was for an hour, the other time was for about twenty minutes."
Abraham smirks, "That means you met him. You don't know him."
"You're stupid," Ethel answers.
"Hahahaha, I love you too."

They've finally reached their apartment and Abraham is looking for a parking spot. His turn signal's been on for roughly 37 minutes and 12 trips around the block. Ethel keeps screaming and pointing, "Park there!" And Abraham continues to respond quietly, "That's a bus stop dear" or "I'm not allowed to park next to a fire hydrant."

After parking in a garage and muttering about the price, even though they know exactly how much it was going to cost, the couple decides to get something to eat. "I don't want anything fancy," Abraham grumbles. Ethel takes charge, "Let's go to Subway then." Abraham reluctantly agrees.

As they're eating Ethel gasps loudly, "Gaaawwwwd, hurry up and eat!"
"I'm trying."
"Stop praying over your food!"
"I'm eating, leave me alone."
"I don't want to sit in the place anymore. I'm sick of sitting here!" Ethel shouts within earshot of everyone who works in the establishment. Abraham ignores her and keeps eating at the same pace he has throughout his entire life. Fifteen minutes later, Ethel calmly asks, "Are you done?"
Ethel immediately spouts, "Hurry up."
Abraham stops eating and says, "I'm glad to be here with you now."
"Shut up and eat." Abraham puts his head down, but he's not upset. He knows what he's doing. Ethel shows the slightest bit of sympathy and quickly says, "I'm glad to be here with you too, happy now?"
"Hahahahaha, I love you too."

Abraham finally finishes. He gives Ethel an I-love-you smile. Ethel responds with an I-love-you-too eye roll.

The next day they are supposed to meet to go for a walk. Abraham is running late as usual. He tries to send Ethel a message to meet in a different location. But Abraham has never figured out these new technological devices. Ethel never gets his message. She waits for over an hour for Abraham in the freezing cold. Abraham goes home and waits for his wife outside of their apartment building in the freezing cold. He forgot his keys. As the minutes pass without any sign of the other, they both boil into a rage.

Finally Ethel comes home and sees Abraham sitting on the stoop, hunched in his winter jacket. She says, "Hi. What happened?" They both tell their sides of the story and no fight breaks out. Abraham hugs and kisses Ethel and she rolls her eyes.

The dialogue from this story is taken from conversations between me and my friend- I'm 25, she's almost 24. Evidently, we act like an old Jewish couple.

Thursday, February 01, 2007

My 2nd Anniversary

Every once in a while there is a person who impacts the world above and beyond everyone else. It can come in the form of a man writing a blog. In this blog he can inspire through his words. Expose the ridiculousness of the world's most serious issues. Provide humor in the face of tragedy. Challenge his own people through tough love. Question the conventional perception and use of history. Force his readers to question their own fundamental assumptions and even their values. And spread knowledge like the flu. On the 2nd Anniversary of my blog, I am confident in claiming that this description in no way reflects me or my work. But I've had fun writing despite having absolutely no impact on anyone.