Friday, February 29, 2008

I Want Cindy McCain

Last week the New York Times reported that John McCain might have had an affair with a lobbyist. Forget the potential hypocritical implications of Senator McCain- the maverick who condemns his colleagues for dealing with lobbyists- caught dealing with a lobbyist. I really don't care about all that. I swear to anyone reading this, he better not have cheated on poor sweat Cindy McCain!

It is no small secret that I am in love with Cindy McCain. It is on the official record, in a Tempe, Arizona courtroom file cabinet, in the form of a restraining order. I stay up at night stroking her face on pictures that I found doing a Google image search. I write poems about her. Here's one:

Cindy McCain,
I don't want fortune
I don't want fame
I just want to hold you in my arms
As I whisper your name.

Cheating on Cindy McCain is inconceivable to me. She is the pillar of womanhood. She has stood behind, quietly supporting her man, while her man was standing behind a bent-over lobbyist. The thought of anyone hurting that poor woman fills me with a blinding rage. I just want to torture John McCain's body just like the way he tortured Cindy's heart, but even more like the way the North Vietnamese tortured John McCain's body.

I would give anything to be with Cindy McCain. I would give my ability to lift my hands over my head. I would convert to Christianity. I would sit on the couch and watch a lot of basketball and receive pleasure from Cindy McCain during the commercials. Seriously, I would do anything to be with her. This man actually got to be with her and he may have cheated on her. It's unbelievea-fucking-ble. And you know it had to be pre-meditated. There's no way that old man can get his "little lobbyist" up without some help.

So this is what Cindy McCain should do. John McCain allegedly cheated on her with a much younger woman. She should cheat on him with a much younger man. Perhaps with a hirsute man, who is roughly the same size as Earl Boykins. With a Jewish man, who doesn't mind being part of a gorgeously tall shiksa's vengeance at a possibly unfaithful husband (I'm talking about myself here, I don't know if that was obvious). I'll show you that Jews don't just have big noses. Let me be your painkiller baby.

Well, hello there Cindy McCain.

Thursday, February 28, 2008

A Divorce Letter to Send to Your Husband

Dear (Your husband's name),

When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for two people to dissolve the marital bands which have connected them with each other, and to assume among the Powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.
  • You are a douchebag.
  • You are fat and ugly.
  • You never listen to me.
  • You always snicker when I talk about my mother.
  • You never put the toilet seat down.
  • You hog all of the hot water in the shower.
  • Your "John Hancock" hasn't worked for years.
  • You check out other women when we're in public.
  • You hide a big stash of porn in the underwear drawer.
  • You never cut your toe nails.
  • You have excited domestic insurrections amongst us, and have endeavoured to bring on the inhabitants of our frontiers, the merciless Indian Savages, whose known rule of warfare, is an undistinguished destruction of all ages, sexes and conditions.

Your future ex-wife

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Al Gore's Thoughts during the 1992 Vice Presidential Debate

Moments before the debate
Al's thoughts: Come on Albert, stay focused. This will be the toughest challenge of your life. You must succeed. The future of your career, your life, and the fate of the American people depend on your performance tonight. But you are up to the task. Bury the nerves. You went to Harvard. You roomed with Tommy Lee Jones freshman year. You are the best. Let's do it!

The debate
Dan Quayle: I am Dan Quayle and I really want for you to have me vote for vice president.
Admiral James Stockdale: Who am I? What am I doing here?
Al's thoughts: Hmm, this might be easier than I thought.
Dan Quayle: You say potato and I say potatoe. You say tomato and I say tomatoe. Potato, potatoe, tomato, tomatoe, let's call the whole thing off.
Al's thoughts: Maybe he's an idiot savant and just hasn't found the savant part yet.
Admiral James Stockdale: What? Why did you wake me?
Al's thoughts: I might be too smart to be on this stag.. eww, is that drool running down his cheek? Stay strong, don't gag Al.
Dan Quayle: Republicans know the importance of bondage between mother and child and that includes my relationship with my mother.
Admiral James Stockdale: It's true, his mother likes it rough. Bam!
Al's thoughts: Oh no, mental picture, get it out, get it out!
Dan Quayle: If elected vice president, I will stop the Soviet Union from ruining Bill and Ted's excellent adventures.
Al's thoughts: I wonder if a person can feel their brain cells die.
Admiral James Stockdale: Well that's what we call Chinese people in my neck of the woods pussy.
Dan Quayle: I would like to injection here if I may. I love Chinese people, I grew up in Phoenix.
Al's thoughts: At least I won't have to publicly debate any more morons in my life!

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

My Fetishes

Here's a list of the types of women I have a fetish for:

neo nazi women (Jews can't be that bad, if I make you feel so good)
very tall women (it's like mountain climbing, except with sex)
women with faces (yes, that's just about all of them)
Cindy McCain (mi amor)

Monday, February 25, 2008

Evil Leaders League, Week 5

Vote in the Evil Leaders League birthday poll at the official ELL site. Here are the results for week 5.

Putin vs Ahmadinejad
Vladimir Putin, the president of Russia, aced the analogy portion of the SAT. Fidel Castro is to Raul Castro as Vladimir Putin is to what?
A. Roger Clemens' bacne (back acne)
B. Joseph Stalin
C. Dmitry Medvedev
D. Britney Spears' vagina
If you don't know the answer, just ask Putin. Iran's president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, goes by the nickname of Tehran-i-saurus Rex. He's got a lot going on. He'll make a visit to Iraq pretty soon. I hear Baghdad is just beautiful in spring time. There's a "fireworks show" every night! Also, Iran has tied up almost all of the outstanding questions that the IAEA had about Iran's alleged nuclear program. However, Iran still hasn't satisfactorily explained their apparent quest for knowledge on how to make an atomic bomb. I'm sure Western powers will be up-in-arms over this, but keep in mind Iran's quest for nuclear weapons involves Ahmadinejad googling "how to make atomic bomb" on a particularly mundane Saturday night. Still, that's terrifying.
winner: Ahmadinejad

Mugabe vs Kim
Zimbabwe's Robert Mugabe celebrated his 84th birthday party last Saturday. Reportedly, Mugabe was "upbeat" at his party. It's good to hear that the extreme poverty ravaging his nation over the last two years doesn't seem to affect him. I'm glad a man of his age isn't worrying about inflation that has reached 100,000% (I wish that number was comically high). Mugabe celebrated with flowers galore and pretty girls at his pool party. Mugabe threw punches in the air claiming to knockout anyone who would dare criticize him. Reportedly, Jerry Quarry started bleeding. Kim Jong-Il, leader of North Korea, had a birthday earlier in the month. He turned flobidy flubidy, which is a number that he made up. It would have made more sense for the winner of the birthday poll to win this match, but I didn't plan it out well enough. The only news from Kim is that he might meet the New York Philharmonic, which is only evil if he forced me to go to their concert with him.
winner: Mugabe

Musharraf vs al-Bashir
Pervez Musharraf is the president of Pakistan, for now. United States senators want Musharraf to leave gracefully. Evidently, they don't know Musharraf all that well. The former Pakistani army general has never lost in chess, because whenever he's about to lose, he knocks all the pieces off the board and says, "Do over." Musharraf is smarting politically after his political party was beaten in recent parliamentary elections worse than Zab Judah by Kosta Tszyu. Things aren't going so well. Do I smell another crackdown on critics? We'll see. Sudan's leader, Omar al-Bashir, not to be confused with the Omar that hosted of Nickelodeon’s Wild and Crazy Kids, is down on Denmark, but big on China. A Denmark paper has republished those offensive Muhammad (pbuh) cartoons causing al-Bashir to boycott everything Danish, including his morning pastry. He likes China because of their position on Darfur, which amounts to "Darfur? Never heard of it."
winner: al-Bashir

Chavez vs Hu
In Venezuela, they know the value of a buck. Their president, Hugo Chavez says that $100 for a barrel of oil is a fair price. He'll sell you a shirt for $50. No? Ok, $45. $5, no way! Ok, $35. And so on. Venezuela has also decided to nationalize more land. I wonder if we can nationalize Cindy McCain. Chinese leader Hu Jintao is going to Japan on a diplomatic mission. Hey, I thought the Chinese hate the Japanese. What is with all of this reasonable discussion? Very disappointing. Hopefully Hu will go back to killing gay people or he won't do well in the ELL.
winner: Chavez

al-Bash 4-1
Mushar 3-2
Kim J-I 3-2
Ahmad 3-2
Chavez 3-2
Mugabe 2-3
Putin 1-4
Hu Jin 1-4

Friday, February 22, 2008

George Bush and History

George W. Bush constantly claims that history will be the judge of his term in office. Don't be fooled, he's taunting all of us. We know that every administration has secret scandals that come to the surface well after the fact. Think about all of the corruption that is out in the open and Bush is still in office.

We know about the outing of an active CIA agent, a political hit-job against a critic of the war. We know about all of the signing statements, which Bush's uses to override the Congress and legislate from the Oval Office. We know about the administrations commitment to torture and the lengths it went to cover it up. We know that our government has been spying on us. Worst of all, we know that the administration misled us into the war in Iraq.

War is big business, especially for the friends of the Bush administration. No-bid contracts and private military forces have been a staple of the war in Iraq. The price of oil has jumped to an astounding degree. None of this is a coincidence.

How much more is there? That's where George Bush's taunts come in. He knows everything he's done. And he knows that we don't. When the pages of history are written, we won't believe everything he's gotten away with. Shame on us for not uncovering more. Shame on us for not stopping him.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Charles Barkley Campaign Ad

The government in the state of Alabama is a mess. A deaf blind retard could do a better job. Since we can't find one, why not vote for me, Charles Barkley!

I have the credentials. I won the 1993 NBA MVP Award and averaged 22.1 points per game and 11.7 rebounds per game throughout my career. I will be the best power forward of any of my future contenders, as long as Tim Duncan or Bob Pettit don't run. And guess what, they won't run. They don't have the guts.

Vote for the Round Mound of Economic Rebound. The state of Alabama needs urgent help! Vote for me, Charles Barkley, in the Democratic primary for Governor of Alabama in 2014. Remember, I can't screw things up worse than they are now.

I am Charles Barkley and I approve this message.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Attack Ad Against Charles Barkley

Charles Barkley has been talking a lot lately.

He rails against so-called "fake Christians."

He says he's for gay marriage. He says he's pro-choice. He claims that Christians are supposed to stand for love and forgiveness, not hatred and violence.

Charles Barkley might be on the right side of the issues, but he committed 3,376 turnovers during his NBA career, the 10th most in history.

Do we really want to turnover our party's hopes to Charles Barkley? Vote for "the other guy" in the Alabama Gubernatorial Democratic primary in 2014.

Paid for by the DLC and Disgruntled Houston Rockets Fans for Truth

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Words Are Not Cheap

I was watching Conan O'Brien while he interviewed some fashion critic speaking about the clothes worn by leaders in government. While this guy was talking about Hillary Clinton's fashion sense, I think it's fairly representative of how many people feel about her, saying "I think she forgot which gender she is."

That's a pretty despicable comment, even when talking about the clothes that the presidential candidate wears. It is remarks like those that earn Clinton sympathy and make her easy to root for. However, she wipes away any good will with a few absurd and hurtful statements over the last month.

Before South Carolina, Hillary Clinton downplayed the role of Dr. Martin Luther King in getting the Civil Rights Act passed in 1964. She claims that she admired King's actions, but it took a president, Lyndon Johnson, to get the Act passed.

As someone with a graduate degree in history, that's a new one to me. Besides the fact that it totally ignores anything John Kennedy accomplished, I don't remember learning about all of the marches that Lyndon Johnson led, the beatings he took, the nights in jail he spent, or the times his house was bombed.

Even worse, the metaphor was meant to compare Obama to King- ostensibly a complimentary comparison for Obama- by demeaning both as black activists who were simply great speakers, but ultimately didn't accomplished much. At the same time, Clinton linked herself with Lyndon Johnson, the heroic president who passed the Civil Rights Act.

Recently, Clinton claimed that "words are cheap." This was an unbelievably stupid and offensive thing to say. Words are the foundation of the world. They are the reason why humans are human. They are also a great indication of what is to come. Was Adolph Hitler's "Mein Kampf" cheap? Or his campaign words leading up to his takeover of Germany? Tell that to my grandparents, who survived the Holocaust. If the world had listened, they may have been spared all of the scars and their families might have lived. Words are not cheap.

Was Martin Luther King's "I Have A Dream" speech cheap? What about his "Letter From Birmingham Jail"? Well, we already know Hillary Clinton's interpretation of the Civil Rights Movement. Words are not cheap.

Not only was her belief that "words are cheap" an offensive sentiment, it was also a losing argument. It was a less-effective version of the change vs. experience debate. Barack Obama didn't even have to dignify it with a response. But he did. He borrowed a line from his friend Governor Duval Patrick, but didn't credit him. A terrible mistake for a candidate claiming that words are important, even essential. Both men admit that they share phrases with one another and they share a lot of the same campaign staff. All Obama had to do with a short preface giving Governor Patrick his due, but he didn't. It might not seem like a big deal, but if I didn't cite my source in school, I would've been thrown out. Words are not cheap.

Monday, February 18, 2008

Evil Leaders League, Week 4

In what is becoming an annual event, The ELL gets a little help from Parade magazine's list of "The World's 10 Worst Dictators" for Week 4, because everyone knows that the worst dictators make the best evil leaders. The ELL site is here. Let's see the results of this week:

al-Bashir vs Chavez
The rematch of last season's title series comes at an inopportune time for Hugo Chavez of Venezuela. Sudan's President Omar al-Bashir, who I am convinced looks like Sports Writer Michael Wilbon's long-lost father, was rated #2 by Parade Magazine, down 1 from last year. Mr. Bashir didn't exactly lessen his evilness, so no word on why exactly he went down in the rankings. I guess genocide just doesn't hold the same weight that it used to. Hugo Chavez didn't make the list once again. Technically, Venezuela is still a democracy, which apparently disqualifies someone from being a dictator. Saggy man boobs disqualifies someone from being a valuable member of society. Sorry Hugo, you're 0 for 2.
winner: al-Bashir

Hu vs Mugabe
Hu Jintao runs a little country that you may have heard of. It's called China. Hu was ranked as the 5th worst dictator. Does that mean he's bad at being a dictator or good at it? It's not clear. Anyway, some of the reasons for Hu's high ranking include forced abortions, control of all media, and harsh limits on the practice of religion. Having been in China, I was never forced to have an abortion, it was easy to get around internet controls, and I visited several Buddhist temples and prayed in them! Not saying those things don't happen, just not to me. Also, Parade Magazine says that 99% of all trials end in guilty verdicts. They attribute a lack of criminal justice as the reason. I say, why can't it be a shockingly accurate police force?!

Zimbabwe's Robert Mugabe was rated 7th last year. If he can beat Hu's 5th, he'll grab a much needed evil win. 8000% inflation helps his cause. Mugabe is running for another term as president and has run a very optimistic campaign. In terms of employment, Mugabe sees the glass as 20% full instead of 80% empty. As far as people staying in Zimbabwe, he sees the glass as 75% full, instead of 25% gone away. Beating up opposition leaders, you'd think would help his cause (he doesn't actually beat them up, he has other people do that, he's 83 years old). Mugabe only got a #6 ranking.
winner: Hu

Putin vs Kim
Russia's leader Vladimir Putin, at least for now, didn't make the list, again because of that pesky thing called democracy. Putin is a strong man and it will be interesting to see how much power he gives up when his term runs out. Kim Jong -Il of North Korea jumped up to the #1 spot on Parade's rankings. Allegedly the detainment of 200,000 people in labor camps played a part. Somewhere in Hell, Hitler is laughing at Kim's pathetic attempt at evil. Lucky for Kim, Hitler is dead (let me tell you, Kim's not the only one who's lucky at that) and not in the league. But the round-bellied, platform shoe-wearing, dictator is looking good thus far this season.
winner: Kim

Ahmadinejad vs Musharraf
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the president of Iran, did not make Parade's list. If you are a moron or a neo-conservative (sorry for the redundancy), that might be a huge shock to you. Well, Ayatollah Khamenei is the top authority in the Persian wonderland. Even then, Khamenei only made 7th on the list. He's way down because Iran doesn't have their precious nuclear program that they were always bragging about. We've all known a guy like that in high school. You kind of pity them. Pervez Musharraf, the president of Pakistan, made the list in 8th place. He jumped all the way up from 15th last year. He's also finally made the ELL. In the words of Frank Sinatra, "It's been a very good year." Unless you oppose Musharraf, like Benazir Bhutto for example.
winner: Musharraf

Mushar 3-1
al-Bash 3-1
Kim J-I 3-1
Ahmad 2-2
Chavez 2-2
Mugabe 1-3
Putin 1-3
Hu Jin 1-3

Sunday, February 17, 2008

2008 NBA All Star Game Recap

The NBA All Star Game is my favorite in all of sports by far. The game is the league's biggest showcase. Unlike the World Series and the Super Bowl, not many casual fans watch the NBA Finals.

Unfortunately, I don't know what the hell happened tonight because of the teams' jerseys. The front of the West's uniform was white and the back of the East's outfit was a light off-white. The lack of contrast in the uniforms put a bit of a damper on the game for me. I'm definitely in favor on the players wearing their usual team jersey, but if not, at least make it a solid color.

The East led most of the way, a bit of a surprise considering that al of the strength is in the West this season. But there are still a bunch of stars on Eastern teams, they just don't have a lot of help, save Boston and Detroit. In the fourth, Chris Paul carried the West back into the game. Amare Stoudemire had a series of punishing dunks along the way. In a very entertaining final five minutes of the game, the East held on.

I thought Ray Allen should’ve been the MVP. He scored 28 points, 14 of them came in the last three minutes of the game. His hot three-point shooting won the contest. Instead, LeBron James captured the award. It's hard to argue too much with that pick. James, picking up his second All Star Game MVP, almost had a triple double including 27 points. He led the East most of the way and a thunderous dunk over much of the West's squad in the final minute propelled the East into the winner's circle. Ah basketball, the finest game this world has known.

Saturday, February 16, 2008

2008 All Star Saturday Recap

Deron Williams won the Skills Challenge. Jason Kapono won the Three Point Contest.

Dwight Howard ended up winning the Slam Dunk Contest in a strangely overrated performance. I'm not necessarily saying he shouldn't have won, but it wasn't as good as it may have appeared.

On his first dunk, from behind the back of the basket, he threw the ball off of the back of the backboard, caught it in the air, ducked his head under the backboard, and glided to the basket for the slam. It was pretty good. Everyone went wild. But Andre Iguodala did a similar dunk, except his was more impressive. Iverson threw the ball off of the backboard and Iguodala caught it, and glided past the backboard and past the rim until he threw down a one-handed reverse jam. You can check it out here. Iguodala is shorter than Howard, an advantage that Dwight had over all of the other competitors.

The next dunk was the famed Superman Dunk. Did anybody else notice that he didn't actually dunk the ball. Receiving a pass from teammate Jameer Nelson, donning a Superman outfit cape and all, Howard amazingly jumped up and caught the ball, but couldn't get to the bucket and had to throw the ball threw the hoop. It was a remarkable play, but not a dunk. It shouldn't have counted.

His third dunk was the best of the night. He did the old Spud Webb, throwing the ball in front of the basket. Then he played patty cake with the ball off of the backboard, grabbed the ball one-handed and threw it down. It was the signature dunk of this contest. His final dunk was nice and creative, but nothing too great.

The only dunk that came close to the Patty Cake dunk was Gerald Green's Birthday Cake Dunk. With a lit cupcake on the back of the rim, Green rose up, blew out the candle and had enough body control not to knock the cupcake off. Green's other unbelievable dunk was when he jumped, put the ball through his legs and sent it home wearing only socks on his feet.

All in all, it was an entertaining and well-executed dunk contest. It was unfortunate that the crowd started booing Dr. J when he was explain that it was a closer contest than more people assumed. Ah well, I've always known there are plenty of idiots in the world.

2008 All Star Saturday Predictions

Predicted winners in bold

Skills Challenge
Jason Kidd, Chris Paul, Dwyane Wade, Deron Williams.

Three Point Contest
Daniel Gibson, Richard Hamilton, Jason Kapono, Steve Nash, Dirk Nowitzki, Peja Stojakovic.

Slam Dunk Contest
Rudy Gay, Gerald Green, Dwight Howard, Jamario Moon.

In the skills challenge, Paul might be the favorite at home, but I think he might feel too much pressure to win. Wade has won it a couple of times and Kidd would've won this easily if he was in his prime. I like the underdog Williams here. In the three point contest, Gibson would be my sleeper, but bigger guys usually come away with the title because they have to throw up so many shots in such a short period of time, so I'm going with Kapono to repeat. In the dunk contest, I like Gay to win because it would further cement George Mason's legacy beating Gay's UCONN team in the Elite 8 in 2006. Whateve happens, Howard won't win. Enjoy!

Friday, February 15, 2008

Jewish Preamble to the US Constitution

We the Jewish people of the United States, in order to form a more perfect union in a Christian land, establish justice to those who don’t worship Jesus, insure domestic tranquility with the gentiles so they don’t spray paint swastikas on our houses, provide for the common defense from incessant Christmas-themed television programming, promote our general Jewiness, and secure the gift of sarcasm to ourselves and our posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America. “Establish” twice in the same paragraph is less than stellar writing, Moshe.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Bill Clinton and Randolph Childress

Bill Clinton strutted out in the main cafeteria on the campus of George Mason earlier in the week. His face was flushed, his voice hoarse. He walked back and forth on the portable stage offering his wife's resume and touting his legacy as president. He sprinkled in a few ideas for the future.

Standing about 25 feet from the former president, my feet fell asleep. I waited for Bill Clinton to establish a connection or present a few oral flourishes. I had heard that he was extremely charismatic and a great orator. But he was tired. And I was tired. In the end, I walked away thinking that he was a pretty good speaker and that was it. Nothing life-affirming or life-changing.

Earlier in the day, my brother saw Barack Obama speak on the campus of the University of Maryland. My brother described the electricity in the air and the candidate’s ability to make it feel like a private conversation with each of the thousands of people present.

The whole episode reminded me of a previous experience, years before, when Tim Duncan and Randolph Childress visited our basketball camp. After the two spoke, we were told that we had to choose which player's autograph we wanted. I chose Randolph Childress'. I always admired the way he played at Wake Forrest. He had the ability to take over a game in the most exciting fashion, chuck threes no matter where he was on the floor or how many defenders surrounded him. I knew Duncan would soon be drafted number 1 in the NBA draft, but I didn't care, I liked Childress.

The entire camp lined up across from Duncan. After awhile I got up and stood in front of a distracted Randolph Childress, who was turned away in his chair from the whole ordeal talking to someone else. Eventually the person he was talking to gestured to Childress about my presence. He signed my piece of paper and then turned back away. My brother got future Hall of Famer, 2-time NBA MVP and 4-time NBA Champion, Tim Duncan's autograph.

But I'm happy I was true to myself. During the day, Duncan looked at Childress with respect, like an older brother. Childress was a senior when Duncan was a freshman at Wake Forrest, if I remember correctly. Plus, it was really unfair of the camp to do that to Childress. It would've been very easy for both of them to sign for each camper, first Duncan and then sliding over to Childress. I'm also glad that I got to see the former president speak. It's something I can tell my grandchildren about. That conversation might go something like this:
"You know I saw president Bill Clinton speak. Then he stole my wallet."
"Alright grandpa, time to take you back to the home so you can take your medicine."

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Top 10 NBA Players Now

While this list consists of the top 10 players now, the past is taken to account, but it is not a list of the best players who happen to be active.

# - David - Mike
1. Kobe - LeBron
2. LeBron - Garnett
3. S. Nash - Kobe
4. Duncan - Dirk
5. Garnett - S. Nash
6. J. Kidd - C. Paul
7. Iverson - Duncan
8. Billups - Amare
9. Dirk - B. Davis
10. T. Parker - Iverson

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Evil Leaders League, Week 3

Barack Obama swept the Potomac primary tonight. The Evil Leaders League has been much more competitive thus far in Season 3. Terry Lierman, a Maryland Democrat came up with the idea of Maryland, DC, and Virginia voting on the same day to give the region more clout in the nominating process. If an evil leader could come up with a way to consolidate his power like that, he'd win it all. Let's see if it happened. The official site of the ELL is here. Here are the results from the week in the ELL:

Musharraf vs Kim
Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf faces pertinent parliamentary elections next week. This week, the new army chief attempted to further detangle the military and the civilian aspects of the government, reversing Musharraf's earlier decrees. This has pleased Musharraf's critics. This has also hurt Musharraf in Week 3 of the ELL. If Musharraf is half as evil as he thinks he is, there would be some dead motherfuckers right now. The Pakistani ambassador to Afghanistan was also kidnapped earlier in the week. Upon hearing the news, Musharraf dropped his I-phone in the toilet. None of this is very good for Musharraf.

North Korean demagogue, Kim Jong-Il has a birthday upcoming. I'm buying him some Preparation H. A wise man once told me to buy the person you love a gift that he or she needs, but doesn't know he or she needs. Kim is expected to have food carved into all sorts of fun animals and kids characters. There will be a giant giraffe made out of kim chi and a huge Mr. Potato Head made out of, you guessed it, eggplant. Then all of the massive amounts of uneaten creatively carved food will be thrown out. The starving North Korean people wouldn't know what to do with it, why waste it on them?
winner: Kim

Ahmadinejad vs al-Bashir
I don't want to admit it, but I'm growing kind of fond of Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. We know he doesn't have a nuclear weapons program. Yet, he boisterously declared that Iran will never slow down their nuclear program to chants of "Death to America" at the 29th anniversary of the Iranian Revolution. In other news, Stevie Wonder echoing the hopefully words of Dr. Martin Luther King, said, "Only when it is dark enough can you see the stars." Then someone reminded Mr. Wonder that he can't see. Not darkness, not stars, nothing. Omar al-Bashir has overseen the genocide taking place in his country of Sudan for some time now. Darfuri refugees leaving the blood-soaked region have streamed into Chad. Chad recently decided that that was enough. It's like I've always said, never trust anything named Chad. That goes for you to, Chad Masterwell of Ms. Henderson's 2nd grade class, who spilled some of his apple juice on my backpack. You stupid son of a shit.
winner: Ahmadinejad

Chavez vs Mugabe
Hugo Chavez of Venezuela thought he was a big man. Turns out, he might not be. Chavez threatened to cease shipments of oil to the U.S. The U.S. didn't give two shits about it. Why don't you shove that oil up your ass and see how far that gets you (depends how far away the closest hospital is located). He tried to be the big peacemakers in the Colombian hostage situation, now he's threatening possible military action because they hurt Chavez's feelings by not recognizing how wonderful he is. Zimbabwe has a man running their country, who is no spring chicken, Robert Mugabe. Former finance minister Simba Makoni hoped to challenge Mugabe for the presidency. They told him to hit the road jack and don't come back. Then they made fun of his name. Simba got pretty animated over the whole ordeal (Hahahahahaha! Lion King jokes!). Then Mugabe's main challenger, Morgan Tsvangirai, was robbed at gun point. Coincidence? Not if Mugabe wants to do well in the ELL.
winner: Mugabe

Hu vs Putin
Hu Jintao runs China. Steven Spielberg quit his position as an Olympic adviser because of China's role in genocide-riddled Sudan. That'll show 'em, Steven! It reminds me of when Charlie Chaplin stopped the Holocaust. Oh wait, that never happened. Hu called Spielberg a dirty Jew and remarked that "ET wasn't even that good." Hu bought the bootlegged DVD of it for about 5 yuan. Russia's top guy is Vladimir Putin. Putin is pissed because Ukraine said it will host a U.S. military defense shield. Putin has threatened to point his missiles at Ukraine if they comply with U.S. wishes. Putin is a bigger douchebag that Officer R.L. Hancock of Virginia, who is a really big douchebag, trust me.
winner: Putin

Ahmad 2-1
Mushar 2-1
Chavez 2-1
al-Bash 2-1
Kim J-I 2-1
Mugabe 1-2
Putin 1-2
Hu Jin 0-3

Monday, February 11, 2008

Potomac Primary

I'm pretty sure I'm going to vote for Barack Obama instead of Bill Richardson for president. They're not too far off on the issues and Obama has the capacity to get things done because he is willing to reach out to people of different political backgrounds. I have no doubt that Obama would be a strong general election candidate. I still like Bill Richardson though. If you were going to vote for Bill Richardson, you still should.

I'm not sure how it's done elsewhere, but in Maryland we vote for the candidate and 4 female and 4 male delegates associated with a particular presidential candidate. I'm not really sure why it's divided by gender. Richardson only has one potential delegate tied to him, so I will vote for her and the other seven will be tied to Obama. That's how I rectify things in my own mind.

In Maryland's the 8th Congressional district, I always vote for Deborah Vollmer, because I agree with her stance on the war in Iraq. Chris Van Hollen has been someone who wants it both ways. He criticizes the war and yet, consistently votes for it. He's argued that troops should remain. He very much seems like the type of person who votes based on his own political future and not for his constituency. If you oppose the Iraq war, you simply should not vote for Van Hollen. Vote your conscious. Vote for Vollmer.

Sunday, February 10, 2008

John B. Kimble for Congress

John B. Kimble is a candidate for Maryland's 6th Congressional district. He has quickly become one of my favorite neo-nazis, although he goes by a different label: Republican.

Kimble states that, "I care about all people, regardless of race, creed, or religion." He claims that he is a member of the Southern Poverty Law Center. If that's all there was, he'd be a pretty good guy.

Unfortunately, it isn't. Kimble asserts, "We must maintain our racial solidarity to protect our European ancestry and American heritage." Say it ain't so Morris Dees!

Kimble promises that if elected, "I will introduce hate crimes legislation to protect all people, including caucasions, equally." After giving one example of a crime against a white victim by "people of non-white race," Kimble contends that, "These crimes suggest and seemingly demonstrate an onslaught against Christians and European Americans in our society." It's tough being a white Christian man. How do they do it? They're so courageous!

Kimble continues, "Under my hate crimes legislation, any interracial sexual assault, battery, or murder will automatically be a hate crime. This legislation will apply to all races and will not be one-sided as it is today." It's true, it is one-sided. Slavery was also one-sided. So were Jim Crow laws. You know what else is one-sided? The number of white people in positions of power in America.

Surprisingly, Kimble is not a fan of immigration. He wants to stop the "Latino invasion." He warns, "We must stop immigration... Our country is being invaded by people who allegedly come here for a better life, but they are coming here to take over. They are taking our jobs and ruining our culture." I can't tell you how many nights I couldn't fall asleep worrying that an immigrant would take my job, which is tutoring immigrants in English. Ok, maybe they won't take every job.

As for ruining our culture, that scares me the most. I want to return to a world where only the music of Pat Boone existed. Those were some "funky licks" that I could really "boogie" to. Oh shit, I ended a sentence with a preposition. Damn immigrants, look what they made me do.

Kimble wants background checks on everyone who enters the U.S. and ties it to a bill that would "amend the Constitution to allow only U.S.-born citizens with U.S.-born parents to vote in federal elections or become president of the United States." Well, my mom's many years of voting will be coming to an end. My paternal grandmother had a nice 70-year voting run, it had to stop sometime. He believes that a president with immigrant parents could lead to the over-throw of our government. George Washington and Barack Obama, go back to where your parents came from, if you want to be president.

Kimble was confronted by someone who wasn't white on the disproportionate toll the war in Iraq has been taking on people who aren't white. Kimble had an answer for that too, "I saw mostly Christian white guys getting killed" on television. Kimble is right. He has a state-of-the-art TV called Whitevision, where the screen goes blank if someone who isn't a white Christian appears. It's a shame, he's never even seen the Daily Show, not even the episode he was on. Kimble then stated, "It's a rich man's war." Poor Donald Rumsfeld, he (eventually) lost his job over the war. A tragedy really.

Kimble leaves us with a final, inspirational message: "We must do everything humanly possible to save our nation and [prevent] civil unrest as a result of too much diversity and immigration."

Well, at least he's an animal-lover.

Saturday, February 09, 2008

2007-2008 NFL All H-duk Team

This is the twelfth annual NFL All-H-duk Team. The numbers beside the names indicates how many times that player has made the team. If there is no number, this is their first selection. A * indicates that the player was on my fantasy team.

Head Coach: NYG- Tom Coughlin

Quarterbacks: NE- Tom Brady 3rd; Ind- Peyton Manning 7th; GB- Brett Favre 6th

Running Backs: Min- Adrian Peterson; SD- LaDainian Tomlinson 2nd; Phi- Brian Westbrook

Fullbacks: Min- Tony Richardson 3rd; NYG- Madison Hedgecock

Wide Receivers: NE- Randy Moss 3rd; Dal- Terrell Owens 3rd; Ind- Reggie Wayne*; Cle- Braylon Edwards

Tight Ends: Cle- Kellen Winslow; Dal- Jason Witten;

Offensive Line: Pit- Alan Faneca 3rd; Min- Steve Hutchinson 2nd; Ind- Jeff Saturday 2nd; NE- Matt Light 2nd; Sea- Walter Jones 3rd

Defensive Line: GB- Aaron Kampman; KC- Jared Allen; Sea- Patrick Kerney; Min- Pat Williams

Linebackers: Pit- James Harrison; SD- Shawn Merriman 2nd; Jax- Mike Peterson; NE- Mike Vrabel

Secondary: Ind- Bob Sanders 2nd; Den- Champ Bailey 4th; GB- Attari Bigby; NE- Asante Samuel

Kicker: NYG- Lawrence Tynes

Punter: Buf- Brian Morman 2nd

Kick Returner: Buf- Terrence McGee 4th

Punt Returner: Chi- Devin Hester 2nd

Special Teams Cover Men: Cle- Joshua Cribbs; NYG- Domenik Hixon

Friday, February 08, 2008

My Dreams

The Torah says that because we believe in the lord, therefore our noblest dreams are not absurd. That got me thinking about people who have lived out my dreams.

Bill Bradley - He lived out my dream of winning two championships with the New York Knicks and then running a failed leftist campaign for the presidency.

Roberto Clemente - He lived out my dream of being a great baseball player and dying a hero. In 1972, he garnered the historical 3,000th hit of his baseball career. In the offseason, his plane crashed when he flew to Nicaragua to help the victims of a devastating earthquake.

Officer R.L. Hancock of Virginia - I've lived out his dream of not being a douchebag.

Bill Cosby, Jerry Seinfeld, Jon Stewart, Dave Chappelle, and David Letterman - They lived out my dream of making people laugh.

Dick Cheney - He lived out my dream of shooting a gentile in the face.

Thursday, February 07, 2008

Reasons Why Ron Paul Won't Win

Ron Paul, Republican congressperson from Texas, never had a chance to win the presidential nomination. Here's why:
  • His slogan was the "Ron Paul Revolution." America's not so big on Revolutions. It's more of a one-and-done country.
  • He's not sure of his own platform. In interviews it seems like he decides on the spot which government agencies to get rid of.
  • Though he set the record for biggest one day fundraising on the internet, he only he received "Ron Paul dollars."
  • At 6 feet tall, he's too short.
  • His fervent supporters are not persuasive. Largely because they're crazy.
  • Being the "Republican version of Dennis Kucinich" is never good.
  • He was against the war and vastly underestimated the extent to which Republicans love the taste of blood.
  • I know more about alleged Dutch murderer Johan Van Der Sloot than I do about Ron Paul thanks to the media.
  • When you make Dan Quayle look like a good debater and make Ross Perot look sane, it's not a good thing.
  • House Reps generally don't get either nomination.
  • Officer R.L. Hancock from Virginia is a douchebag.
  • Ron Paul's face looks like my balls.
  • He belongs to the most persecuted group on the planet, white Protestant males.

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

Super Tuesday Recap

Much like the Clinton campaign, I have delusions of grandeur and claim that I'm a winner despite the evidence. I heard a Clinton supporter argue that she had won the big "blue" states last night, whereas Obama won states that would obviously go to the Republicans in the general election. Somehow, that means Clinton is the stronger candidate.

Really? If Obama is the nominee, he won't win New York or California? Isn't Illinois a big blue state? He won it.

Another Clinton supporter claimed that neither the Democrats nor the Republicans could win in November without California. Um, no. California is a solidly Democratic state in presidential elections these days. We have a Republican president, who never won out west. However, you could make a case that Missouri and Iowa are fairly essential for a Democratic win. And stealing a state in the south would be nice. Who won those states again?

Obama. Colorado and Nevada are other states that could potentially be in play in November. Obama and Clinton split those two. However, to be honest, none of that matters. Primary victories don't really predict wins in the general election. First, you're running against different candidates. Second, the constituency has a significantly different makeup. It's much larger for one.

Obama's wins in Connecticut, Delaware, and Utah shocked the hell out of me. Missouri was an important win for him too. Clinton tries to claim that her wins in Massachusetts and New Jersey were big surprises, but they weren't. It's true that Obama received support from both senators and the governor of Massachusetts, but Clinton was up so big just a week ago. A loss in New Jersey would have signaled the beginning of the end for her campaign. I don't mean to dump all over Clinton, but the closer I pay attention, the more her tactics bother me.

My friend reports that Obama's "Change" signs are a big hit in the neo-nazi community. Except they block out the first and last letter of the word. Perhaps a new slogan could be in order for Obama.

In other news, Officer R.L. Hancock of Virginia is a snooty douchebag and should be fired. He exposed himself to me. If only he was John McCain's wife.

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

Super Tuesday

It just hit me. What would a Super Tuesday preview look like? Ok true, I guess you could just hop on over to or MSNBC,com and find out. Ok then, what would a good Super Tuesday preview look like?

I have no idea. People in many states are going to vote in the Republican or Democratic primary later today. The results will be tallied. There are polls, but they might be wrong. We'll have to wait and see.

I must admit that I've been reconsidering voting for Bill Richardson in favor of Barack Obama. I don't want to vote for Obama just because Richardson is out of the race, but I don't want to vote for Richardson because I'm too stubborn to change my mind.

I agree with Richardson on more issues than I do with Obama. No Child Left Behind should be scrapped. Money should not be wasted on building a worthless wall on the border with Mexico. Perhaps the most important, every drop of American presence needs to leave Iraq. Our presence there makes Al Qaeda relevant, reflecting the anti-American sentiment that most Iraqis feel. Without American presence in Iraq, Al Qaeda becomes a bunch of heartless foreign troublemakers.

However, in reality, they're not too far apart on the issues. I've been very impressed with Obama's ability to cope with the Clintons' attacks. He has a way of firing back that is biting, but doesn't make you feel bad. More importantly, I believe that he would be able to bring people of differing political views together, without compromising the foundation of his ideology. Bill Clinton and George W. Bush were two of the most partisan presidents we've had in a while. We need someone who can transcend these differences. The Obama era might be the end of partisanship and the beginning of a liberal revival in America.

Finally, I hope Hillary Clinton doesn't steal the election. Obama was up big in the polls in New Hampshire the day before the election, but Clinton won. If she lost, it might have ended her hopes for the nomination. Obama won bigger than expected in South Carolina, perhaps to ease any suspicion of foul play. This loss wouldn't hurt Clinton much if they could portray the Obama victory as largely due to black voters. In fact, it might even play to their advantage as they attempted to marginalize Obama as a "black candidate" and prey on the ugly instincts of some white voters. If change is more than just a buzzword for Obama, I pray that he succeeds and he stays healthy.

Monday, February 04, 2008

Super Bowl XLII Recap

It's 4th and 1 on the Giants side of the field with just over two minutes left in their season. New York is down by 4 points. Their objective was to score a touchdown and win the championship or fail and lose.

Brandon Jacobs grabs the ball and is brought down to the ground before he even gets going. His hand hits the grass and he lunges ever so slightly forward. First down. The clock's running.

Time is evaporating and with it leaves the dreams of the Giants. Eli Manning is grabbed by New England defenders. He wrestles free and runs to his right and flings a pass well over the head of his intended receiver. Plucking the ball out of the clouds, David Tyree pins his prize against his helmet and falls to the ground comforting it as if it were a newborn baby. First down.

It's third down and eleven with under a minute to play. Manning drops back and sees an open man. It's rookie receiver Steve Smith, the goat of the game to this point. Manning trusts his young teammate with the fearlessness of a true leader. Smith grabs the ball, gets the first down, and runs out of bounds to stop the clock.

An injured and ineffective Plaxico Burress fakes a slant, freezes the defender and heads towards the side of the end zone. He turns to look back at his quarterback and floating into his arms like a feather is the winning touchdown. Eli Manning has carved a place for himself in NFL history, taking his team down the field on an 83-yard drive to win the Super Bowl. He lived every little boy's fantasy. Tom Coughlin will forever be known as a championship coach.

The New York Giants pulled one of the greatest upsets in sports history. They faced a team that had reached heights never before attained, and won. It is a victory for all of the underdogs in the world. The great aspect of sports is that the score always begins in a zero-zero tie and what transpires is not limited by anyone's imagination. We may have all wished the Giants would win, but did any of us really believe it would happen?

The Patriots were the only 18-0 team the NFL has ever seen. They scored the most points ever. Tom Brady set the record for touchdown passes thrown in a season. Randy Moss set the record for touchdown receptions in a season. None of that mattered. The Giants were able to keep the Pats attack off the field with several sustained drives. More impressively, they were the first team all season to pressure Brady in the pocket. The Giants defensive performance was the stuff of legend. A scrappy, low-rated bunch may have played the best game of any defense ever, considering the opposition.

While Eli Manning's pass to Steve Smith, which Smith knocked up into the hands of New England's Ellis Hobbs, seemed to seep the juice out of the Giants offense until the fourth quarter, New York was able to force Brady into many mistakes. In the fourth, the Giants were up 10-7 with the ball, but failed to move it down the field. It seemed like they might be doomed to come up short. Sure enough Brady led his team into the end zone, as he had done so many times in crucial situations. Moss caught the pass and the Patriots seemed well on their way to further cement their dynasty. But no. Eli Manning, in a drive reminiscent of Tom Brady six years ago, or Joe Montana thirteen years before, took his team to the top. Manning won the MVP and the respect of everyone who watched.
Commercial: I liked the Rocky horse and the Barkley-Wade one. The Carville-Frist one was good too. I guess Coke is trying to be the new Obama. But it's further proof of something I've always said, Bill Frist is more qualified to act in a Coke commercial than to be President of the United States.

Sunday, February 03, 2008

Super Bowl XLII Preview

New England Patriots 18-0 vs New York Giants 13-6

The New England Patriots enter this Super Bowl trying to become the first team in NFL history to go 19-0 in a season. They are aiming to win their fourth Super Bowl of the decade. The Patriots have set numerous records this season, most on the offensive side of the ball. With a win, it would be hard to argue that they weren't the best team in the long history of the NFL.

Despite this, the Patriots face a lot of questions. The most pertinent referring to their cheating scandal from the first week of the season. Things are unraveling and their previous success has recently been subject to suspicion. Former football great Earl Campbell has suggested that Pats head man Bill Belichick should be thrown out of the NFL, and this was before recent developments. Belichick has long been the boogie man of the NFL, despised by anyone not associated with the Patriots constant winning. It would be hard to imagine many people rooting for Patriot perfection tonight. It's sad that such greatness has a dark cloud hovering over it.

Before the playoffs started I said, "The Giants are a team that could go on a roll all the way to the Super Bowl or they could fall flat in the first game. I'm predicting somewhere in between." The New York Giants went on that roll and here they are. It reminds me of the end of the movie Glory, the Giants have heroically defeated their enemies up the hill and have entered the fort. They might have triumphed right into an ambush. One past game to keep in mind is Super Bowl XXIV, where the 49ers beat the Broncos 55-10 to set the record for largest margin of victory in the league's final game.

The Giants are counting on a performance closer to the year before. The upstart Bengals went up against the mighty 49ers and only a last-second TD pass from Joe Montana to John Taylor prevented the upset. They'd rather not relive their Super Bowl XXXV showing against the Ravens, which ended in a thrashing.

To begin the year, New York looked terrible, giving up 80 points in their first two games. As it turned out, those two losses were an anomaly, defeats to two clubs who would finish first and second in the NFC. New York hasn't lost a road game since and nearly took down the Patriots in the final week of the regular season. Only a clumsy finish halted an upset the first time around.

While the Giants could always fall flat and we could have a blowout of historic proportions, I don't think that will happen. Eli Manning is playing the best ball of his short career, reaching the high expectations that met him when he entered the league. New York has an effective one-two punch behind the QB. Brandon Jacobs and Ahmad Bradshaw provide contrasting styles of running, but both need to have the game of their lives. The Giants must keep the Patriot offensive attack off of the field. To do that, the threat of the big play needs to be real and, to win the game, occasionally realized. That's where Plaxico Burress comes in. He has had health concerns but must pull a Terrell Owens against the Patriots in Super Bowl XXXIX and have a big game despite injury.

Defensively, the Giants face a seemingly impossible task. How do you stop the Earth from rotating? How do you reverse gravity? How do you prevent tomorrow from coming? The Patriots will score.

New York must pressure the best QB in the league, Tom Brady. He will ruin the Giants' dreams if he's given time in the pocket. He's too good. His receivers are too good. The problem is that his offensive line is also too good. That assignment belongs to Michael Strahan and Osi Umenyiora. Even if Randy Moss, the best receiver in the game, is shut down and even if Wes Welker and Dante Stallworth are taken out of the game, the Pats can run the ball.

So what will happen? I don't know; who am I Carnac the Magnificent? But keep in mind that the Patriots previous three Super Bowl victories all ended in three-point margins. I think it'll be a close game. The Patriots will win 31-28. Brady will be the MVP. But for the first time in years, I'll be pulling hard for one of the teams. Which one? I don't cheer for cheaters.

Saturday, February 02, 2008

John McCain - A Closer Look

John McCain is a senator from Arizona and a candidate for the Republican presidential nomination.

Don't let those conservative wackjobs fool you, McCain is plenty anti-abortion. He believes Rove V Wade should be overturned and the legality of abortion should be determined by the states. He favors embryonic stem cell research.

John McCain favors putting a barrier on the border with Mexico. He is in advocates giving undocumented workers a path to citizenship and handing out guest worker visas to Mexicans looking for work. He would punish employers who hire undocumented workers.

Foreign policy
McCain is the most hawkish remaining on the campaign trail. He has no problem with American troops staying in Iraq for 100 years as long as they are not in harms way. He claims that Americans don't have a problem with our presence in Iraq, they have a problem with American casualties. Unfortunately, McCain ignores the reality that Iraqis don't want an American presence in their country and there will be American casualties as long as there is an American presence in Iraq. He is the foremost proponent of the so-called surge and argues that it is working. Unfortunately, it hasn't succeeded to any real degree. In 2006, most Americans wanted their troops out of Iraq. In 2006 the violence spiked drastically. The surge has brought the violence back to the previous and still horrific level. In addition, these numbers on the violence in Iraq only refers to American casualties, to say nothing of Iraqi deaths.

McCain's language towards Iran and Syria is quite bellicose. There is no guarantee that he would not attack either country if elected president. McCain is far more reasonable on Pakistan, not advocating attack to go after al Qaeda.

Here are some irrelevant fun facts:
  • Won't eat Vietnamese food, says it's "too spicy" for him
  • Straight talker: Yes, you look fat in that
  • Popeye the Sailor was based on him
  • His wife is the overlooked hottie of the campaign
  • He's easy to beat in Simon Says:
  • "Simon says lift your hands over your head"

Friday, February 01, 2008

Bill Clinton Haunts my Dreams

I had a dream about Bill Clinton recently. He was much older, hunched over, and bald. At first, it was a thrill to meet him. After talking for a bit, he attempted to move on in typical politician form. But he had said something that I didn't like and I followed him, challenging his words.

I confronted him, seeing my chance to have a debate with a world-renown figure. We talked some more and I kept feeling worse about him and what he was saying. I didn't appreciate his messianic ego or his veiled bigotry. His regrets seemed tired and rehearsed, mentioning how he didn't stop the genocide in Rwanda as if he had forgotten to take out the trash.

Eventually I just walked away. I couldn't take anymore. Bill Clinton sensed that my impression of him was extremely low and he followed me, talking. He assured me that he wasn't racist. He was friends with Vernon Jordan. Black people love him. They called him the first black president. He took another subtle shot at Barack Obama. The level of resentment was more pronounced than the hump on his back. He was pleading with me. I pitied him.

I was standing straight. I listened to him. I halting my willingness to combat his words as if riding a horse. I listened. This was a sad old man who had nothing else in his life but his legacy. I threw the occasional pointed jab when he said something particularly offensive. His body curled with each blow I delivered. This was Bill Clinton as an old man.

Then I woke up. It had been a fantasy land. I went downstairs and turned on the television. I watched a show about Jesse Jackson's presidential campaigns in 1984 and 1988. I learned that he won South Carolina and ran a good campaign, much like Barack Obama. Bill Clinton was the narrator.