Evil Leaders League, Week 3

Barack Obama swept the Potomac primary tonight. The Evil Leaders League has been much more competitive thus far in Season 3. Terry Lierman, a Maryland Democrat came up with the idea of Maryland, DC, and Virginia voting on the same day to give the region more clout in the nominating process. If an evil leader could come up with a way to consolidate his power like that, he'd win it all. Let's see if it happened. The official site of the ELL is here. Here are the results from the week in the ELL:

Musharraf vs Kim
Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf faces pertinent parliamentary elections next week. This week, the new army chief attempted to further detangle the military and the civilian aspects of the government, reversing Musharraf's earlier decrees. This has pleased Musharraf's critics. This has also hurt Musharraf in Week 3 of the ELL. If Musharraf is half as evil as he thinks he is, there would be some dead motherfuckers right now. The Pakistani ambassador to Afghanistan was also kidnapped earlier in the week. Upon hearing the news, Musharraf dropped his I-phone in the toilet. None of this is very good for Musharraf.

North Korean demagogue, Kim Jong-Il has a birthday upcoming. I'm buying him some Preparation H. A wise man once told me to buy the person you love a gift that he or she needs, but doesn't know he or she needs. Kim is expected to have food carved into all sorts of fun animals and kids characters. There will be a giant giraffe made out of kim chi and a huge Mr. Potato Head made out of, you guessed it, eggplant. Then all of the massive amounts of uneaten creatively carved food will be thrown out. The starving North Korean people wouldn't know what to do with it, why waste it on them?
winner: Kim

Ahmadinejad vs al-Bashir
I don't want to admit it, but I'm growing kind of fond of Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. We know he doesn't have a nuclear weapons program. Yet, he boisterously declared that Iran will never slow down their nuclear program to chants of "Death to America" at the 29th anniversary of the Iranian Revolution. In other news, Stevie Wonder echoing the hopefully words of Dr. Martin Luther King, said, "Only when it is dark enough can you see the stars." Then someone reminded Mr. Wonder that he can't see. Not darkness, not stars, nothing. Omar al-Bashir has overseen the genocide taking place in his country of Sudan for some time now. Darfuri refugees leaving the blood-soaked region have streamed into Chad. Chad recently decided that that was enough. It's like I've always said, never trust anything named Chad. That goes for you to, Chad Masterwell of Ms. Henderson's 2nd grade class, who spilled some of his apple juice on my backpack. You stupid son of a shit.
winner: Ahmadinejad

Chavez vs Mugabe
Hugo Chavez of Venezuela thought he was a big man. Turns out, he might not be. Chavez threatened to cease shipments of oil to the U.S. The U.S. didn't give two shits about it. Why don't you shove that oil up your ass and see how far that gets you (depends how far away the closest hospital is located). He tried to be the big peacemakers in the Colombian hostage situation, now he's threatening possible military action because they hurt Chavez's feelings by not recognizing how wonderful he is. Zimbabwe has a man running their country, who is no spring chicken, Robert Mugabe. Former finance minister Simba Makoni hoped to challenge Mugabe for the presidency. They told him to hit the road jack and don't come back. Then they made fun of his name. Simba got pretty animated over the whole ordeal (Hahahahahaha! Lion King jokes!). Then Mugabe's main challenger, Morgan Tsvangirai, was robbed at gun point. Coincidence? Not if Mugabe wants to do well in the ELL.
winner: Mugabe

Hu vs Putin
Hu Jintao runs China. Steven Spielberg quit his position as an Olympic adviser because of China's role in genocide-riddled Sudan. That'll show 'em, Steven! It reminds me of when Charlie Chaplin stopped the Holocaust. Oh wait, that never happened. Hu called Spielberg a dirty Jew and remarked that "ET wasn't even that good." Hu bought the bootlegged DVD of it for about 5 yuan. Russia's top guy is Vladimir Putin. Putin is pissed because Ukraine said it will host a U.S. military defense shield. Putin has threatened to point his missiles at Ukraine if they comply with U.S. wishes. Putin is a bigger douchebag that Officer R.L. Hancock of Virginia, who is a really big douchebag, trust me.
winner: Putin

standings:
Ahmad 2-1
Mushar 2-1
Chavez 2-1
al-Bash 2-1
Kim J-I 2-1
Mugabe 1-2
Putin 1-2
Hu Jin 0-3