Sunday, November 30, 2008

G-d Fucking With Me

Do you ever feel that G-d is just fucking around with you for laughs? I've had that feeling recently.

One example comes in the form of the Bills' performance today. They lost a terrible game to the 49ers, 10-3, at home. The only offensive player to have a good showing for the Bills was Marshawn Lynch, who of course was on my opponent's fantasy football team. I went with Trent Edwards because he was facing a supposed weak pass defense. He didn't make it to the end of the game. Rian Lindell, the Bills normally reliable kicker, missed a couple of field goals, including a 20 yarder. You might be wondering if Lindell is on my fantasy team; he is.

It's to the point where I'm interested- and almost excited- to see what negative and absurd thing happens to me next.

Saturday, November 29, 2008

George Bush's Bad Week

George W. Bush wasn't always like this. He used to be a kind and compassionate man who harbored a profound love for humanity.

All of that changed in one week when George was in his mid-20s. The week began with his boss chewing him out for something that was not his fault. But she didn't simply make her point and go on her way. Instead, she berated him with repetitive criticism of the event in question. George was upset but he realized that he was a young man and we all have to pay our dues.

A couple of days later he became sick. Despite this, he went to a friend's house to watch his favorite NBA team, who rarely played on TV, lose by 25. The next day, he felt better until he asked out the girl he liked and she rejected him. The following afternoon, George played football and finished the game with tremendous neck and shoulder pain that would linger for a while.

That week, George faced Jeb Bush in their fantasy basketball league and lost. Jeb, who was younger, smarter, taller, and better looking, didn't even know much about the NBA, but he won the contest anyhow. George felt sick again. He got a call that he'd have to work on Sunday, so he'd miss a good portion of the NFL games that week, his one pending salvation.

As a result of that week, George decided that the only two things of importance in this world were money and power. He found Jesus in order to achieve those goals. The rest is history.

Friday, November 28, 2008

Lincoln was Obamaesk

In many ways Abraham Lincoln was a lot like President-elect Barack Obama. For starters, Lincoln served a short tenure in Washington as a representative of Illinois before becoming president. But the similarities don't stop there.

As is the case with Obama, Lincoln was known for his great speeches. However, much like Obama, his speeches were criticized during his time. Bill Kristol every once in a while says about an Obama speech, "That one just didn't do it for me," even though it was really great and he knows it. Manton Marble, the Bill Kristol of Lincoln's era, commented on the Gettysburg Address, "The President awkwardly rose and in his customary high-pitched nasally voice, orated few words as if he had recently completed jerking off with Icy-Hot."

In one way Lincoln was not like Obama. He never had to put up with patronizing remarks such as, "He's so articulate." Instead, Lincoln was fortunate enough to receive unambiguous criticism such as, "We should not trust this nation to a backwoods slow-witted lawyer, who is barely civil enough to dine with even the most boorish prostitutes." But there are still numerous parallels. As Obama has been called a secret Muslim because of his name, Lincoln was called a secret Jew because of his. Lincoln, in classic Obama form, took over a country in dramatic turmoil. He also had a hot wife.

The links sometimes take on an eerie persona. Lincoln and Obama were elected at roughly the same age, give or take five years. Taken together, their first and last names both have five syllables. Lincoln had a secretary named Obama and Obama will have a secretary named Lincoln. As Obama will do, Lincoln hired a "team of rivals" to his cabinet.

While Lincoln followed Obama before the fact in almost every way, he failed to in only one. Lincoln was shot, whereas Obama will live a long and increasingly hemorrhoid-laden life.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Pat Robertson on Black Friday

I used to watch the 700 Club in college. I'm not a fan of horror movies, so I watched the 700 Club instead. I've since grown out of that phase. However, I was flipping through the channels last night and stopped on the show just for a moment.

Standing next to a black woman, Pat Robertson ranted about Black Friday. He understood why they called it Black Friday, because the day often puts companies into the black as opposed to the red. But he still didn't like the name. He felt that "black" was somber. It was evil. You could see the woman's insides collapse when she heard those words. She managed to skillfully shrug it off, as black people are accustomed to having to do.

Instead of Black Friday, Pat Robertson suggested Rosie Friday. Even though I don't agree with his characterization of the word black being associated with evil, I like the idea. It's about time Rosie O'Donnell had a day named after her.

Pat Robertson, saying racist shit since the 1930s. But. Pat Robertson, supporting gay rights since last night.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Black QBs and Coaches

Ten years ago, it seemed like the dawn of a new era of black quarterbacks in the NFL. Perhaps, it appeared, old prejudices were cracking under the pressure of reason. But ten years later, starting NFL quarterbacks who are black can be hard to find.

Donovan McNabb has been one of the best QBs for over a decade. He has been forced to endure an enormous amount of criticism, most of it only because he is black. He was called a traitor to his race because, as he got older, he stayed in the pocket more. It was said that the liberal media blew up his accomplishments because of white guilt. Carrying his team to four consecutive conference championship games counted for nothing. Now, after struggling for a few games, he is in danger of losing his starting job.

The list of black QBs in the NFC includes Jason Campbell. The AFC fields two black QBs, David Garrard and JaMarcus Russell.

The Lions recently signed and started Daunte Culpepper. Two young QBs took a seat on the bench during this year, Vince Young and Tavaris Jackson. That leaves the current number at 5 black starting QBs in the 32-team NFL.

The hiring of black head coaches seems to have lost a little momentum as well. The NFC North has three black men running the show, Marvin Lewis, Romeo Crennel, and Mike Tomlin. The first two are on the hot seat.

Other AFC headmen who are black include, Tony Dungy and Herman Edwards. In the NFC, Lovie Smith and Mike Singletary, who took over mid-year in San Francisco, lead their squads. That puts the number at 7. Of the people on this list, only Dungy and Edwards have been a head coach for more than one team.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Obama Orates on the Economy

President-elect Obama has to deal with the failing economy. He speaks with a reporter about the subject.
Reporter: Do you think the economic crisis will become worse before it becomes better?
Obama: If there is no struggle, there is no progress.

Reporter: What, in your estimation, caused the economic fallout and how do you suggest that we get out of this mess?
Obama: It is not light that we need, but fire; it is not the gentle shower, but thunder. We need the storm, the whirlwind, and the earthquake. The power and greed of the financial elite caused the crisis. Power concedes nothing without a demand. It never did and it never will. Find out just what any people will quietly submit to and you have the exact measure of the injustice and wrong which will be imposed on them.

Reporter: Do you believe that the nation should reward its working class to a greater degree?
Obama: Where justice is denied, where poverty is enforced, where ignorance prevails, and where any one class is made to feel that society is an organized conspiracy to oppress, rob and degrade them, neither persons nor property will be safe. When men sow the wind it is rational to expect that they will reap the whirlwind.

Reporter: You are calling for drastic changes in the nation's economy...
Obama: We must change. America is false to the past, false to the present, and solemnly binds herself to be false to the future. The life of a nation is secure only while the nation is honest, truthful, and virtuous. We must focus on education. It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men.

Reporter: What do you believe is the current status of the American Dream?
Obama: People might not get all they work for in this world, but they must certainly work for all they get.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

McClellan and the 1864 Campaign

There are times when the lines are distinctly drawn on the large issues of the day. The campaign of 1864 was one of those occasions. Logically, one could have stood for saving the Union tied with the abolishment of slavery or call for peace and disunion.

We are told that generals embody strong principles while politicians are malleable when confronted with public opinion. Abraham Lincoln, forced to balance the Radicals and the conservatives still left in his country, still managed to fight for the Union and reiterate his desire for emancipation.

The Democratic candidate, General George McClellan came up with the ingenious position of continuing the war to save the Union while allowing for the existence of slavery. There is no truth to the rumor that his slogan for the campaign was called How to Lose A Presidential Election in 10 Days.

McClellan wanted the Union to be as it was, slavery and all. Unfortunately for him, the reason the war was fought in the first place revolved around that position being untenable. It's a little like fighting the war in Iraq for three years and then restoring Saddam Hussein to power. The only difference is that McClellan's plan is much stupider. What did he think was the cause of the war? Did he think the South was upset that the SEC only got 5 teams into the 1864 NCAA college basketball tournament when they really deserved 7? C'mon George, everyone knew it was fought over slavery, which came to a head over the issue of its expansion into the territories.

Not only was it an irreconcilable platform, it was politically moronic. Did he think a large portion of the electorate wanted to die for no particular reason? Was he appealing to the huge Northern slave-owning constituency, who also wanted the Union saved? Maybe he was hoping the Easter Bunny and Santa Clause would vote Democrat in '64 as well. Lincoln fired him several years before; he could have went after the president's execution of the war. That might have made more sense. McClellan was an idiot.

Some might argue that McClellan's strategy wasn't so finger-in-your-penis-hole stupid because he was on track to win until the war's tide turned during the campaign. Much as is the case with Obama's success in the wake of the economic collapse in this campaign, those battles were merely the impetus for an inevitable swing in Lincoln's favor. His allies, specifically Republican Radicals, understood that Lincoln was their best option, but were playing politics early in the campaign. It's similar to the games that Hillary Clinton's supporters played this year. The bottom line is that George McClellan was imbecilic turd.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Waiting Rooms

I was sitting in a waiting room as my car was being serviced when a woman walked into the room and sat down. She began to talk to everyone in the room, loudly, whether they wanted to converse or not.


If the victim of this barrage of boisterous words allowed it, she would continue the conversation until the end of time. Well, I had been reading my book for an hour and a half and my eyes were tired. I wanted to listen to my ipod. But I wasn't going to put my book down. Not even for a second. I peeked over my book and knew that would give her just enough time to pounce on me. Plus, I was sure the earphones of my ipod were tangled and it would take me a couple of minutes until they were serviceable. I couldn't risk it. I kept reading.

Finally, after 15 minutes of fretting over this lady, my car was ready. I closed my book and walked out of the room. The lady hurled some questions in my direction, but I artfully shrugged them off. I was about to be free.

It later occurred to me that this lady was a terrorist. She had held the entire waiting room hostage. I realized that bin Laden should learn from this lady and put people like her in waiting rooms all across America. That would shut down our economy in a heartbeat. Dentist’s and doctor's offices would cease to exist. Our nation would be crippled. It's a far more effective method of terrorism than anything bin Laden has done.

One person told me not to tell bin Laden about my great idea. Another reasoned with me, "A great idea is a great idea." But that brings up an interesting ethical question for bin Laden. Would he even take an idea, no matter how great, from an American Jew? Which is more important to bin Laden: his ideology of bigotry or terrorism? It's an ethical question that speaks to the soul of the man.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Obama's Dream for Peace

Barack Obama has been elected President of the United States. A reporter asks him about his philosophy on the wars and about race relations.
Reporter: Will you end the war in Iraq?
Obama: Somehow this madness must cease. We must stop now. I speak as a brother to the suffering poor of Iraq and Afghanistan. I speak for those whose land is being laid waste, whose homes are being destroyed, whose culture is being subverted. I speak for the poor in America who are paying the double price of smashed hopes at home and death and corruption in Iraq and Afghanistan. I speak as a citizen of the world, for the world as it stands aghast at the path we have taken. I speak as an American to my fellow leaders of my own nation. The great initiative in these wars is ours. The initiative to stop them must be ours.

Reporter: Some have accused advocates of stopping the war in Iraq as cutting and running. They claim that a significant troop withdrawal is neither safe, nor politically savvy. How do you answer these critics?
Obama: Cowardice asks the question, 'Is it safe?' Expediency asks the question, 'Is it politic?' But conscience asks the question, 'Is it right?' And there comes a time when one must take a position that is neither safe, nor politic, nor popular but because conscience tells one it is right.

Reporter: There are fears that if we withdraw the troops too quickly, we may have to return. What are your feelings on that subject?
Obama: Peace is not merely a distant goal that we seek, but a means by which we arrive at that goal.

Reporter: Is ending the war the first priority of your administration?
Obama: Yes. A nation that continues year after year to spend more money on military defense than on programs of social uplift is approaching spiritual doom. The bombs in Iraq explode at home; they destroy the hopes and possibilities for a decent America.

Reporter: Do you believe America's power in the world is waning?
Obama: I am convinced that love is the most durable power in the world. It is not an expression of impractical idealism, but of practical realism. Far from being the pious injunction of a Utopian dreamer, love is an absolute necessity for the survival of our civilization. To return hate for hate does nothing but intensify the existence of evil in the universe. Someone must have sense enough and religion enough to cut off the chain of hate and evil, and this can only be done through love.

Reporter: So the U.S. should not retaliate if attacked?
Obama: Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.

Reporter: With all of the problems in the world, where did your message of hope come from?
Obama: Being black in America means trying to smile when you want to cry. It means trying to hold on to physical life amid psychological death. It means the pain of watching your children grow up with clouds of inferiority in their mental skies. It means having your legs cut off, and then being condemned for being a cripple. To be black in America is to hope against hope.

Reporter: Do you think your election will serve to change the way this country views racial issues?
Obama: Whatever affects one directly, affects all indirectly. I can never be what I ought to be until you are what you ought to be. This is the interrelated structure of reality. I have a dream that my two little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.

Reporter: America is a very divided place facing significant challenges. How will you bring us together?
Obama: Ultimately a genuine leader is not a searcher for consensus, but a molder of consensus.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Hard Times for Pirates

The labor unions have lost their prominence in American life. Just look at the pirates union. Every pirate seems to be missing an eye and many have lost limbs. The union has not been able to provide pirates with adequate and affordable health care.

Pirates work long hard hours. They feel as if they lose their money just as fast as they gain it. Their fortunes have been plundered by a small elite of bandits. Many pirates have lost their homes. In fact, most sleep in their mode of transportation. Neither the union nor the government is working to give pirates the opportunity to succeed in today's world.

At least, for the rest of us, those problems are unique to pirates.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

The Plural of Jesus

I was talking to a Christian friend who said the plural of Jesus is Jesuses. I don't agree that's how it should be. The plural of focus is foci, the plural of Jesus should be Jesi.

I'll use it in a sentence:

An army of Jesi are covering Connecticut with swastikas.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Fast Food in Connecticut

On my way to the Basketball Hall of Fame in Springfield, Massachusetts, I dined in a Taco Bell restaurant in Bumblefuck, Connecticut. I'm sitting and eating my tacos when I look down across the table. There, scraped into the table, was a swastika.

Two thoughts entered my mind. Of all the places to eat and of all the tables to sit at, I found the one with the swastika. Or maybe Connecticut's fast food establishments are simply littered with swastikas. I'm not sure which is true; I don't know enough about Connecticut.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Recap of the 2008 Election

It was a historic campaign (aren't they all?). Here are some of the highlights.

The two early favorites for the Democratic nomination were Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama. Here was analysis of the state of the race on 2/28/07. About Hillary Clinton: Let me first say that I love women. I have friends who are women and I even have women in my family. That being said, a woman cannot be president because they are too feeble and dainty.

About Barack Obama: I was the first to mention that his name rhymes with Iraq Hussein Osama. I won't be the last.

But there were other candidates in the running. John Edwards' attractiveness made me question my sexuality. John McCain spent five years in a North Vietnamese POW camp, which earned him the nickname "Maverick." Eh, it's not worth it if you ask me. Bill Richardson, as you can tell by his name, was the Mexican candidate. Tom Tancredo ran on the platform of shipping Richardson back to Mexico.

By March, the election was heating up. Here's what I had to say on 3/30/07. I was the first to compare Barack to JFK, by wondering if Obama would be the first Irish president since Kennedy. I thought Joe Biden might make another gaffe by saying something racist, but well-intentioned, about Mexicans. I reported that John McCain planned on vacationing in that tourist paradise known as Baghdad. I was the first to mention that Mike Huckabee's face looks like a beaver.

The debates were well on their way by 5/6/07. I was the one guy watching. I felt that Joe Biden and Mike Gravel should drop out of the race by that point. Biden was your friendly neighborhood racist. Oh c'mon, he didn't mean it like that! Gravel only kept running in order to embarrass his grandchildren.

On 7/23/07, I thought that John McCain Wayne's close relationship with George Pubic-Hair might cost him the election.

My analysis of the 463rd Democratic debate was delivered on 7/24/07. Apparently, Joe Biden performed nicely. He was the only one who can tell a joke. There's an old saying in Tennessee, I know it's in Texas, it's probably in Tennessee: You maybe probably shouldn't vote for president based on joke-telling ability. Also, I respected John Edwards' commitment to the poor and his ability to communicate with the dead. That'll come in handy as his wife has cancer.

On 11/1/07, John McCain unveiled a new campaign pledge penned by Tom Petty.

By 1/27/08, there was voting going on. In South Carolina, the question the media asked was: would black women vote for Obama (because he's black) or Clinton (because she's a woman)? And what if black people wanted a president with "experience" or white people wanted a president who would bring about "change?" Those people were forced to kill themselves or vote for John Edwards. It all reminded me of the days when Lincoln and Douglas used to have four-hour debates that usually consisted of more than one word. Although the media did portray the race as "beard" versus "shaved."

On 1/30/08 , I observed that Clinton campaigned like my six-year old cousin plays video games, changing the rules when they start to lose. I mentioned that Romney was slimy and I offered to blow up McCain's house (before I knew he had 6 more) and then build him a new one. I got the idea from his Iraq policy. I also wanted to disenfranchise old people.

I recapped Super Tuesday on 2/6/08. I also reported that Obama's "Change" signs were a big hit in the neo-nazi community. Except they blotted out the first and last letters. Those bastards.

On 2/7/08, I went out on a limb and predicted that Ron Paul would not win the Republican nomination, not least because his record for the biggest one day fundraising push on the internet was marred by the fact that he only he received "Ron Paul dollars."

By May, McCain had clinched the Republican nomination. On 5/2/08, I imagined who might be John McCain's running mate. The 16th most likely candidate on my list was Sarah Palin who is a young woman from Alaska and not a good choice. She would make McCain look old and Alaska is not exactly great preparation for a national campaign.

On 5/26/08, I updated my list of McCain's potential running mates. This time, Palin moved up to 13th most likely: Want to make McCain look like that creepy stalker dude? With her on the ticket, he's one awkward ogle away from going down in flames.

After a hard fought primary season, Barack Obama appeared to be the Democratic nominee. On 6/19/08, I wondered who Obama would pick as his VP. I thought Biden was a bad pick because enjoys making racially offensive statements. And he has a dangerously stupid plan for Iraq that would separate it into three semi-autonomous regions.

By 7/31/08, I was fed up with Obama's message of hope. Whenever I listened to him speak, this weird feeling rushed through my body. It occurred to me that the sentiment I was experiencing is usually called "hope." He gave me a sense of faith in humankind. It's sickening.

Obama apparently had some trouble attracting Jews. On 8/1/08, I asserted that was so because Jews don't like his slogan "Yes We Can." Jews tended to answer back, "But why should we?" And, "Exactly what am I agreeing to do?" And further more, "What can we do? Will there be running involved? Will there be time to stretch before we start running?" Or, "Is the rest of that sentence '... Kill The Jews?' I hope not."

On 8/5/08, I said that McCain likes it short and sweet (so does Cindy! wink wink). Specifically his policies, which he summed up by saying "the surge is working" and "the oil and Middle East crises will be solved through offshore drilling." I used clever analogies to disprove the wisdom of both sentiments.

On 8/23/08, I wrote an open letter to Barack Obama telling him that his pick of Joe Biden for his running mate was stupid. I actually heard Rudy Guiliani making the same points on This Week, which was funny, because some of the criticisms don't work if it's a Republican making them.

On 9/2/08, I talked about Sarah Palin's baby's baby bump.

On 9/5/08, I engaged with the historic nature of this campaign. Did you know that John McCain could have become the 44th ostensibly-straight white Christian man to hold the office of the presidency, especially if you count Grover Cleveland both times.

On 9/13/08, I had a not-so-exclusive interview with Sarah Palin. Do you know the difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull?

I reviewed the VP debate on 10/3/08. That's when I theorized that Sarah Palin was catchphrase -spewing robot, albeit an adorable one.

On 10/11/08, I realized that McCain was actually a secret genius when it came to the issue of the economy.

Did you know that black people can't make up their own minds when it comes to voting? I discussed the subject on 10/19/08.

On 10/20/08, I gave you 7 1/2 reason why your man voted for McCain. #4) You're married to Joe the Plumber.

On 10/28/08, John McCain made his last pitch to the nation. It read in part, "Senator Obama's surrogates have said that my supporters are racist. They've said some pretty nasty things about you and you know, I couldn't agree with them more."

So there it is. A ridiculously long review of a ridiculously long campaign. I trust that you found this review misinformed, offensive, and self-indulgent. But it should hold you over for a few days while I'm out of town. Thank you.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Not President Yet

I don't want to think about it, but it keeps gnawing at me. Barack Obama isn't the president yet. I'm just afraid they'll take it from him. They don't want him to be president.

Who are they? I don't know. But they're out there. How will they take it from him? I don't know. But they want to.

We should all just agree to call today January 21, 2009. Did you really need these next two months anyway? Did you really have any big plans? You know you weren't going to use that time productively. So, let's sacrifice for the good of our country and skip ahead to January 21.

Monday, November 10, 2008

Barack's Bravado

Before the big election, a reporter interviewed Barack Obama.
Reporter: I just saw John McCain...
Obama: Ain't he ugly? He's too ugly to be president. The president should be pretty like me. He is so ugly that he should donate his face to the US Bureau of Wild Life.

Reporter: What are your thoughts on potentially being the first black president?
Obama: I know where I'm going and I know the truth, and I don't have to be what you want me to be. I'm free to be what I want. I am America. I am the part you won't recognize. But get used to me. Black, confident, cocky; my name, not yours; my goals, my own; get used to me.

Reporter: What if McCain beats you?
Obama: If he even dreams of beating me he'd better wake up and apologize.

Reporter: Do you have any predictions on your electoral output for Tuesday?
Obama: If McCain wants to go to heaven, I'll get three-sixty seven. If he thinks he's great, I will get three-six eight. I know one thing, he messed with me, so I'll get at least two-seventy.

After the results of the election were apparent, Barack Obama became jubilant in his hotel room. He began screaming gleefully.
Obama: I'm the President of the United States! I'm the greatest thing that ever lived. I must be the greatest! I am the king of the world! I'm pretty. I'm a bad man! I shook up the world! I shook up the world!

Sunday, November 09, 2008

President Obama in Three Years

President Barack Obama looks for some solitude in order to reflect on the frustrations of being responsible for the country's welfare. Here are his thoughts three years into his reign.

Alone, in a room in the White House, Obama rubs his face with his hands, exasperated. "Shit. I'm so sick of people saying I'm so well-spoken. Of course I'm well-spoken, I was the fucking president of Harvard Law. And that was my safety school! Dammit, I can't take all this bullshit. If one more Republican senator asks to touch my hair, I'm just gonna flip out. This shit is ridiculous. I don't ask to touch their jowls."

Michelle Obama calls from another room. "Come here, Barack."
President Obama answers. "In a moment."
Ms. Obama responds in a surprised tone. "Excuse me."
"Sorry, honey. Uh-uh-uh-uh. I'll be right there."
"I know that's right."

Obama mutters to himself. "Well, at least she never says I'm so well-spoken or asks to touch my hair."

Saturday, November 08, 2008

Letter to Obama and Emaunel

Dear Mr. Obama and Mr. Emanuel,

I know it's tempting, but please do not enslave the white gentiles or put them in concentration camps. I don't believe that would help anything. Both are forms of brutality that are designed to dehumanize the victims. We must remember that white gentiles are human beings, just like us.

It's important not to purchase white gentiles for the purpose of forced labor for a few reasons, not least because of the simple fact that slavery is wrong. It would also be wrong to separate these white gentiles from their families. I am against whipping them to make them work harder. Humans deserve a certain amount of freedom and to receive a wage proportionate to their work. They should not be treated as property.

I am also against interring people in concentration camps and feeding them next to nothing. Businesses should not be violently targeted for the simple fact that they are owned by white gentiles. They should not be made to wear arm bands. People should be provided with water for their showers, not poisonous gas. I must reiterate my opposition to the concept of forced labor.

In general, I am against raping their women to fulfill our own sexual fantasies. That is sadistically misogynist and just plain mean. I am against misogyny. Also, if a white gentile doesn't work as hard as they should or happens to take a break for a second, they should not be shot to death or tortured.

I don't believe that you two should be less likely to oppress others than a white gentile because of the fact that your peoples have known oppression themselves. Treating people as equals is, or should be, a fundamental principle of being a member of the human race and even white gentiles should adhere to that basic standard. But, regardless of the actions of white gentiles, I don't think it is appropriate to enslave them or put them in concentration camps. Rule justly. Good luck.

The HarazQuack Times

Friday, November 07, 2008

Rahm Emanuel to be Named Chief of Staff

That's right! Hey, neo-nazis, now blacks and Jews really do run the government... SUCK ON THAT!

My fellow blacks and Jews, now is not the time for revenge. We must explain to the white gentiles that we mean good. We won't do to them what they did to us. But let's go ahead and cancel the rest of the NASCAR season anyway. Just to show 'em who's boss now.

First we ran the NBA together, now the United States government. I want to see the Nation of Islam marching through Klan neighborhoods every day. See how they like it. I'll take care of the burning Star of David on their lawn. The police won't stop me. They work for us now.

Ok, ok. Before I get too carried away, a guy who is black and a guy who is a Jew are high level members of the government. That's different than "the blacks and Jews run the government." Oh well. Maybe some day. And when that day comes, we're bringing the Mexicans and the Asians with us.

Thursday, November 06, 2008

The Celebration Continues

I know things will not be easy. We have some difficult days ahead. I realize that Barack Obama will not be perfect. He is going to make mistakes. I understand that, even with his election, racism is (obviously) not a distant memory.

I promise to criticize and lampoon Barack Obama when deserved and discuss the injustices that remain in this country... just as soon as I finally stop crying from joy.

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

America Fulfilling Its Promise

Barack Obama is the next President of the United States of America.

A country built on the backs of slaves has elected a black man to lead us. This is a wonderful moment in American history. It is a most memorable occasion for black Americans. It is a proud day for all Americans. For me personally, it has a special meaning.

When we are young, we are told that we can become anything we want because we live in America. When I was five years old, I wanted to be the president when I grew up. At the time, I did not realize how silly it was for a Jew to hold that ambition. Barack Obama's election is another step towards America fulfilling its promise. While I will never be president, it is not because I'm Jewish. Tonight, all parents can more honestly tell their children that they can grow up to be whatever their abilities will allow.

But this would mean nothing if not for the personal qualities of Barack Obama. Symbols are nice, but they require substance to give them meaning. His election must not pacify this widespread desire for change. It must not cover the omnipotent injustices that still haunt this nation. Instead, it must fuel a desire to make this country a better one in which to live. I believe Barack Obama will work for the good of the nation and the world.

And if he can't turn things around, let's throw the bum out!

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

Presidential Election Predictions

There are my predictions for the presidential election as of Saturday.

Obama will win:
Cal, Con, Del, Hi, Ill, Iowa, Me, Md, Mass, Mich, Min, NH, NJ, NY, Ore, RI, Vt, Was, Wisc, DC, Col, Nev, NM, Ohio, Penn, Va, Mizz, NC.

McCain will win:
Ak, Ark, Ala, Id, Kan, Ken, La, Miss, Neb, Ok, SC, Tenn, Tex, Utah, Wy, Ari, Ga, Mon, SD, WV, Fla, Ind, ND.

Obama will win 337 electoral votes to McCain's 201.

Be sure to vote!

Monday, November 03, 2008

Why I Like Barack Obama

Barack Obama's potential election to the office of the presidency represents an important symbol in the history of the United States. He would be the first black president in American history. But Obama's strengths lie deeper than mere symbols.

I first heard of him while he was running for senate. I watched his keynote address at the 2004 DNC. It provided a glimpse towards a political landscape that went past partisanship. He reminded me that we really do have more in common with each other as Americans than we realize. In 2006, Obama made an appearance on Meet The Press where he knocked each of the late Tim Russert's questions out of the park and always with an air of grace.

When he declared his intention to run for the presidency in 2007, I was intrigued, but not yet ready to commit to his cause. In fact, I supported Bill Richardson because I more closely identified with the New Mexican governor on most of the issues.

My mind was changed towards Barack Obama because of the way he handled the Clintons' attacks prior to the South Carolina primary. He did not act like a normal politician. He truly rose above the small rhetoric that often defines campaigns. He avoided divisive decrees in favor of elucidating his hope for change.

While his words can sometimes remain in the clouds, he has taken profound stands on many of the important issues of the day, which is unfortunately rare in politics. I agree with him for the most part on most of the issues. Obama has resorted to some of the traditional pandering that accompanies campaigns and that is disappointing, but he has never claimed to be perfect. He has not called for the level of sacrifice that Americans need to make in order to fix this nation's problems, but he hasn't won the election yet either.

Fundamentally, my view of Barack Obama following his speech in 2004 has not shifted. He has continued to reinforce his reputation as a transformative figure in American politics. He has tapped into the American sense of optimism that has been lacking for so long. If elected, he will not be able to change everything. But he has presented this country with two very special gifts already: the belief that we can be a nation for good in this world and the idea that of many, we are one. For those reasons, I proudly support Barack Obama.

Sunday, November 02, 2008

The Times' Endorsements

The HarazQuack Times endorsements will have a bigger impact than anything endorsed by the New York Times... at least for my family.

If you have read one word of this blog, you will know that I endorse Barack Obama for President of the United States.

For Maryland's 8th Congressional District, I endorse Gordon Clark of the Green Party. The Democrat, Chris Van Hollen, will win easily, but it is important to send a message to the Democratic Party that it needs to uphold a more progressive agenda. Van Hollen recently came around to the position of withdrawing (many of) the troops from Iraq. It would be irresponsible to call this a flip flop, situations change, but it was a judgement that he made too late. Clark is serious about the environmental crisis that we face and is not concerned with party politics that can sometimes prevent real change. Send a message to the Democrats and vote for Gordon Clark.

In the Board of Education races, I endorse Phil Kaufman for the at large spot and Laura Berthiaume in District 2.

I am voting for Question 1 because it would make it easier to vote for people who are unable to do so on Election Day. I'm voting against Question 2, because I do not support slots in Maryland. Less than half of the revenue will go towards education and, as PG County Executive Jack Johnson states, it is essentially a tax on poor people who may turn to slots for hope. I am for Question A because it would clean up the County Charter, repealing three sections that have been rendered moot by judges' decisions. I am voting against Question B because it gives too much power to any one Councilmember.

I do not endorse the way the Buffalo Bills have played the last two weeks.

Saturday, November 01, 2008

Zambia Poised to Elect Black President

MMD candidate Rupiah Banda will likely win the Zambian presidential election, barring a recount after questions of rigging arose. Following the election of a black man as president, Zambians are congratulating themselves for their show of tolerance.

"No, I never considered race in determining my vote," said one taxi driver from Lusaka. When interviewed, many other Zambians alleged the same level of enlightenment. Some even seemed confused when the question of race surfaced.

But not everyone agrees. Geraldine Ferraro made the assertion that Rupiah Banda is very lucky to be black and his race was responsible for his electoral success. She also attributed Banda's opponents' defeat to sexism. When told that all four presidential candidates were black men, Ferraro took an unprovoked swipe at Obama and announced that she is endorsing McCain because he cares about women's "health."

Perhaps a shopkeeper from Ndola best summed up the historic achievement of electing a black president in Zambia, "This guy was already the acting president. In fact, every president of an independent Zambia has been black. We're an African country. Is this some kind of joke?"