Thursday, December 31, 2009

Year in Review

I'm not much for marking artificial ends nor arbitrary beginnings, but I suppose there's something significant in setting a designated moment to look back.

Ths was an eventful year for me. I went to the Inauguration of Barack Obama, the 44th President of the United States and the first to be a black man. Later, I developed a new strategy for when you drop the soap while in prison. I became the dictator of a country and banned the hell out things I dislike. I also found out the difference between a McDouble and a double cheeseburger, because, apparently, there is one.

I wasn't the only one to have an eventful year. Former Pittsburgh Pirate Andy Van Slyke went on a rampage. Anne Frank came back from the dead, Speidi met Nelson Mandela, and Chuck Wepner started his own sports trivia show.

Back t0 me. I got my nation involved in a crisis with Tajikistan. I also made a fantastic pass in a pick-up basketball game. Another trip to India punctuated the year.

So that's it. Eventful. That's a good way to describe things. But then again, isn't every year eventful?

Saturday, December 26, 2009

All H-duk Decade Team

Quarterbacks: Peyton Manning; Tom Brady; Donavan McNabb.

Running Backs: Edgerrin James; LaDanian Tomlinson.

Fullback: Tony Richardson.

Wide Receivers: Marvin Harrison; Terrell Owens; Randy Moss; Hines Ward.

Tight Ends: Tony Gonzalez; Antonio Gates.

Offensive Line: Jonathan Ogden; Willie Roaf; Kevin Mawae; Steve Hutchinson; Larry Allen.

Defensive Line: Julius Peppers; Warren Sapp; Simeon Rice; Michael Strahan.

Linebackers: Ray Lewis; Derrick Brooks; Brian Urlacher; Shaun Merriman.

Secondary: Champ Bailey; Troy Polamalu; Brian Dawkins; Charles Woodson.

Kicker: Adam Vinatieri.

Punter: Brian Morman.

Kick Returner: Terrence McGee.

Punt Returner: Devin Hester.

Special Teams Cover Man: Larry Izzo.

Friday, December 25, 2009

Top 5 Upsets of the Decade

5. Patriots over Rams in Super Bowl XXXVI
4. Hasim Rahman over Lennox Lewis for the Heavyweight Championship in 2001
3. George Mason's run to the 2006 Final Four
2. Giants over Patriots in Super Bowl XLII
1. Pistons over Lakers in the 2004 NBA Finals

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Christmas Shopping Fiasco

I'm pretty sure Christmas comes the same time every year. Yet, the shopping establishments are always jammed packed the last two days before the holiday. Are Christians really that dumb?

It affects the rest of us quite negatively. I was stuck in horrendous traffic on my way to work the last two days. Part of it was the snow (which is on the grass by the way), but undoubtedly a lot of the traffic was thanks to people preparing last minute Christmas arrangements.

So, I've developed a plan to alleviate the shopping traffic before Christmas. Every Christian has to wear a colored armband between Thanksgiving and Christmas. The color of the armband coincides with the week you are allowed to go shopping. It will rotate every year, so sometimes you'll have to go the first week after Thanksgiving; other times, you can wait until the week before Christmas. If you miss your color's week, too bad, you will not be allowed to go shopping at another time before Christmas.

This proposal will help Christians to budget their time more efficiently. And, more importantly, it will ease things for the rest of us the two days before Christmas.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009


Time for the Airing of Grievances:

My mother's hair seems to be graying in sympathy with Obama's. At least, she's much older than he is. Also, her chin looks like Robin Williams's forearms. It might be time for a shave ma.

My brother seems to be trying to make his big nose look more proportional by expanding his stomach like a foam dinosaur in water.

My mother is also an atrocious driver.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Supporting Dictators

The U.S. has supported many of the world's most ruthless dictators over the past century. The names include Sadam Hussein, Shah Pahlavi, and countless others. Two of those are Fran├žois Duvalier and his son, Jean-Claude, who headed a dynastic dictatorship that lasted nearly 30 years. Fran├žois, known as Papa Doc and ruling from 1957-1971, outmaneuvered the U.S. into granted his administration aid by playing up its anti-Communist stance. Jean-Claude, known as Baby Doc and ruling from 1971-1985, offered cosmetic liberal reforms in extorting aid from the U.S. (more on Haiti at International Edition)

U.S. involvement in other nations' business has often led to suffering for those nations. Too often, when the U.S. gives aid, it goes directly into the pockets of rich autocrats. If the U.S. attempts to put conditions on aid, they are, with some justification, accused of stealing the receiving nation's sovereignty. The U.S. should refrain from policing the world until an acceptable method of helping the poor masses is conceived. When the U.S. becomes involved in political intrigues in other countries, the result is rarely positive for the nation it is supposedly helping. Staying out of other nations' business is a better policy.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Top 9 African Heads of State of the Decade

1. Ellen Johnson Sirleaf LIBERIA
2. Festus Mogue BOTSWANA
3. Levy Mwanawasa ZAMBIA
4. Morgan Tsvangirai ZIMBABWE
5. Thabo Mbeki SOUTH AFRICA
6. Jacob Zuma SOUTH AFRICA
7. Jakaya Kikwete TANZANIA
8. Paul Kagame RWANDA
9. Sidi Mohamed Ould Cheikh Abdallahi MAURITANIA

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Weirdest Cult of the Decade

From killing each other at WalMart the day after Thanksgiving in order to save a few dollars on a toaster to putting up the tackiest decorations a person can imagine, Christianity has won the award as the weirdest cult for the 201st consecutive decade.

The monotheist religion, whose followers somehow believe in three gods, has some strange ideas. Many believe that if the Jews inhabit the biblical land of Israel, then their god, who is also the son of god in some bizarre West Virginia shit, will return to Earth from his place up in Heaven, which is located in the sky (though no astronaut has even found it).

But the cult of Christianity goes beyond silly celebrations and ideas obviously created by some stoned little children. It has a nefarious side. Christianity is big business, exhibited by numerous mega churches and televangelists constantly asking for donations. Christianity has also been used to justify wars for two millennia and this decade was no different. It is a cult of intolerance. Many followers see others as inferior and Hell-bound, Hell being a mythical place filled with fire and found below the Earth's surface.

You can tell members of this cult by a t-shaped ornament and the sense of undeserved arrogance that they wear. When confronted by one of these cult members, it's best to avoid conversations that may require the use of logic or reason. And don't let them try to convince you to join!

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Arbeit Macht Frei

The sign over Auschwitz promising freedom with work was recently stolen... which is hilarious! I just wish they had stolen the sign 75 years ago.

It's funny because someone must've said (probably while high), "You know what we should do, man? We should steal the sign at Auschwitz!" Then, another person must have said, "Good idea."

A third person probably started to plan, "Well, we'll need a big ladder. And a big truck. And we'll need a screwdriver. Let's bring a flathead and a Philips just in case." That's our proof that it wasn't the Jews.

Personally, I think it was a college student. You know how everyone puts those "No Parking" signs over their dorm rooms? What would be cooler than the Auschwitz sign? So, just look for the guy with a giant "Arbeit Macht Frei" sign over his door.

Crime solved.

Friday, December 18, 2009

Oral Roberts and My Great Grandmother

Oral Roberts, televangist and university namesake, died this week at the age of way too old. My great grandmother, a German gentile, once gave money to Roberts (one of the ironies of life, when my great grandmother, an immigrant from Germany and anti-Semite, died, 90% of her family was Jewish).

She felt betrayed by Roberts and spent the last twenty years of her life in fear of the Christian fanatic. She had dellusions that Oral Roberts would climb into sixth story apartment in the Bronx. We tried to tell her that that was unlikely. She wouldn't listen.

For the last ten years, she's been haunting Oral Roberts. Now that Oral Roberts is dead, she has a lot more time on her hands. I've told her to go after Pat Robertson or take up canasta. But you know how great grandmothers are. They never listen to their great grandchildren.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Shame of a Nation

We should all feel shame. Houston elected an openly gay mayor.

Not Boston, not New York, not Philadelphia, nor DC. Houston. Not San Diego, not Los Angeles, not Seattle, nor Portland. Houston. Not even San Francisco. What the fuck, San Francisco? You're the gayest city this side of Europe. Nothing.

Chicago? Nope. St. Louis? Nah. Miami? No. Houston. Of all cities, Houston has an openly gay mayor.

We all should be ashamed.


Not Houston.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Stop Ignoring Me!

Dear United States,

We, the leadership of Botswana, are sick of being ignored by you. We call you. You don't call us back. We email you. You ignore us. All we want is a little attention. Attention that you readily give to other jerks like Sudan, Somalia, Iraq, and Afghanistan. What do they have that we don't got? Are you merely attracted to that "bad boy" act?

We know, we've got some problems. Our democracy is a bit flawed as our presidents tend to retire so their chosen successor can ascend to the top spot without a proper election. But compared to the other countries you deal with, you gotta admit, that ain't half bad. We're not always so nice to the Sans, who live out in the bush. It's something we're working on, honest. Plus, it's not like we're hacking certain ethnic groups to bits like the others.

And we have a lot of good points as well. We're a developing country whose leaders tend to put the health of the nation above their own bank accounts. Or do you prefer big bank accounts? I didn't think you were like that. And sure, there's disparity between the rich and the poor, but that's true with you too. Our streets are safe, our growth is impressive. How about showing us some love? Or at least a phone call.

The Batswana Leadership

P.S. Did you get the diamond necklace we got you? How'd you like it? We tried to ask before, but you never got back to us.
(International edition)

Monday, December 14, 2009

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Boxing's Worst Decisions of the Year

2009 saw its share of head-scratching judge's scorecards. Here are the five worst decisions of the year.

1) Joan Guzman - Ali Funeka
Result: Majority Draw
Scores: Joseph Pasquale 116-112 (Funeka), Alan Davis 114-114, Benoit Roussel 114-114.
My take: It's impossible to find more than 4 rounds for Guzman and I wouldn't have given him 10 points in that many.

2) Juan Diaz - Paulie Malignaggi I
Result: Unanimous Decision for Diaz
Scores: Gale Van Hoy 118-110, Raul Caiz 115-113, David Sutherland 116-112.
My take: I thought Malignaggi coasted to a comfortable win. It wouldn't have been outrageous to have given Malignaggi a close decision. I just didn't see a way Diaz won, which makes Gale Van Hoy's card all the more preposterous.

3) Sergio Martinez - Kermit Cintron
Result: Majority Draw
Scores: Tom Kaczmarek 116-110 (Martinez), Ged O'Connor 113-113, Peter Trematerra 113-113.
My take: Martinez actually knocked out Cintron at the end of the 7th as referee Frank Santore Jr. counted to 10. But somehow the fight was allowed to continue. In the 12th, a questionable point was taken away from Martinez for hitting behind the head. Even with that point deduction, Martinez should have cruised to an easy decision.

4) Miguel Cotto - Joshua Clottey
Result: Split Decision for Cotto
Scores: Don Trella 116-111, John McKaie 115-112, Tom Miller 113-114.
My take: If Cotto is automatically given every close round, Clottey should have won 114-113. 4 rounds were close and I would have given Clottey two of them, putting the score at 116-111 for Clottey.

5) Carl Froch - Andre Dirrell
Result: Split Decision for Froch
Scores: Massimo Barrovecchio 115-112, Daniel Van de Wiele 115-112, Alejandro Rochin Mapula 113-114.
My take: It was close, no doubt. But Dirrell controlled where and when they fought, even while backing up. His punches appeared to be more effective than Froch's. The only way to give Froch the fight was to privilege simply moving forward above all else.

Honorable mention) Eddie Chambers - Alexander Dimitrenko
Result: Majority Decision for Chambers
Scores: Glenn Feldman 117-109, Fernando Laguna 116-111, Paul Thomas 113-113.
My take: Thankfully, the right guy won. But Chambers so thoroughly dominated the bout, recording a knockdown and a standing eight count against his opponent, it's astonishing that one judge had the fight a tie. In fact, Paul Thomas must have given Dimitrenko more rounds than he did Chambers.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Tiger's Real Problem

White people tend to like the keep the number of black people in their lives to a minimum. If you are so lucky to enter into the life of a white person, god help you if you have a fall from grace.

White people don't care when most black people find themselves in trouble. But if a black person has been accepted by whites and finds himself in trouble, he's in for a hellish life. Just ask O.J. Simpson. Simpson was in movies. He was an amicable spokesperson for a number of corporations. He was at ease with white people on television and we were at ease watching him there. Then what happened? He betrayed us.

Many have argued that the Simpson case had to do with race. But most white people don't care when a black person kills someone, even if the victim is white. Even famous murderers don't garner the level of outrage that the Simpson case did. No one can truthfully claim that they feared O.J. might kill again. White people were mad that their boy wasn't who they thought he was.

That takes us to Tiger Woods. Generally, white people don't care when a black man cheats on his wife, even if his wife is white. Even famous philanderers don't garner the attention that Woods has received. If Ice T is caught cheating, will he find himself in the same mud as Tiger? White people accepted Woods. Turns out he's not so squeaky clean. So Woods will pay for his betrayal. When a seemingly-friendly black tiger falls in the woods, you know who hears it? White people. And they don't forget the sound.

Friday, December 11, 2009

Michael Jordan Hates Koreans

Michael Jordan is reeling tonight after allegations arose that he harbors a heated hatred for Koreans. A video has surfaced on American television with an unidentified white male asking Jordan, "Do you like Korean barbecue?" Jordan promptly responds, "No."

It is a well known fact that cuisine is an important aspect of any culture. Jordan's distaste for Korean food has been taken as an insult on the streets of Seoul.

Lee, 47, a mechanic, epitomized the feeling in his city tonight. "Michael Jordan's comments about Korean food were deplorable. He should feel shame for them."

Others were not quite as diplomatic. Choi, 23, a barber, called Jordan's dislike for Korean barbecue "a spit in the face of Koreans everywhere." Choi went on to say, "First you [Americans] keep your soldiers in our country, then you try to force a beef deal on us, and now this." There have been calls from activists to boycott all Jordan-related products and merchandise.

Perhaps, a player in the Korean Basketball League, Trent Tucker, 49, may have been the most poignant about the situation. "Jordan's about as popular in Korea as Obama is in Afghanistan right now." Adding, "Plus he walked every time he touched the ball."

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Wednesday, December 09, 2009

Pat Robertson's Christmas

This blessed time of year always makes me contemplate the late Pat Robertson. This man who allowed the Lord to flow through him and then out through the air waves to the masses. He had the power to heal by channeling the love of the Lord. This was his favorite time of year. He relished the countdown towards Christmas every year. It had nothing to do with the anticipatory expressions across the faces of youngsters clamoring for the latest gadget or doll. It had everything to do with a designated time dedicated to glorifying the achievement of Jesus Christ, our savior.

Pat Robertson enabled us to bask in His light. Pat Robertson gave us His strength, which allowed us to carry on when times were tough. Sometimes this season, the season of Christmas, can bring about sadness, because it is a season of memories and a reminder of those we've lost. But Pat Robertson taught, through the Lord's wisdom, to only remember and cherish the good times with our lost loved ones. Christmas should be a time to celebrate their lives and the life of Jesus Christ. It's a time for joy and tidings.

Pat Robertson, a man taken from us here on Earth, shall he keep Jesus Christ company up in the Kingdom of Heaven.

Tuesday, December 08, 2009

Monday, December 07, 2009

Encountering a Nazi at Work

"You're Jewish?" a student of mine asks with disconcerting surprise. "I'm going to tell the Nazis to come get you!"

A week later, the student, an eleven year old girl, enters the learning center. She's accompanied by her mother and a large man with no hair who looks remarkably out of place. "There he is!" my student bubbles while skipping towards me and pointing. The buff bald man donning a light camouflage jacket, which is left opened exposing his brown wife beater, and army green khakis, focuses his eyes on me. A snarl of delight runs across his lips. "Come with me kike," his gruff voice demands nonchalantly.

I stifle a "Go fuck yourself," remembering that there are several young students occupying the room. "Let's go Jew," he recites, now standing right over me as I sit next to my computer. I figure I can better deal with the situation from outside the learning center, so I rise and begin to walk out the door. As I'm leaving, I look at the eleven year old girl and offer, "What about her? She's Asian." The man motions for her to follow us.

Outside, he grabs me. I aim for his balls, but can't seem to find the target. Another, smaller man, gets a hold of my student. We're dragged outside. I'm putting up a fight, wailing away, but nothing seems to be working. My student is stiff and motionless. We're thrown into their van and beaten into submission.

I awake in a shed. My student is sitting in the fetal position next to me. "What is this place?" she asks me. She's looking at me as if I'm the path to her survival. Probably a makeshift concentration camp. "It's a shed." That seems to calm her a tinge. "Why are we here?" Because you told a Nazi that I'm Jewish! "Because you told a Nazi that I'm Jewish!" Her fright turns into a smirk, "I was just joking! And you told him I was Asian!" I lower my head in shame, "I didn't think he'd take it seriously. Plus, I didn't think that would be any great revelation." She's ready to pounce and then recoils, "What?" I give her a "Never mind."

"I'm hungry." I lean back and tell her, "Get used to it." Just then the larger man bursts through the door. "Here you go, you fag cunts!" My student screams her tears. I'm trying to decipher what a fag cunt could possibly be. While attempting to uncork that paradox, the man slings two slices of cool bread into my face and leaves, not waiting for a response. I hand one to my student. Her tears change the consistency of her meal. I wipe her tears and squeeze her shoulder. "It'll be alright." She looks up at me with a child's optimism, "Really?" I smile, and in a fit of realism, respond, "I hope." For some reason, her tears dry and an old smile fills her face.

The next morning, after the worst night of sleep in my entire life, the smaller man enters. He throws two slices of bread on the floor as if we're pigs ready to pounce on slop. He begins to walk out of the shed.

"Wait. Sir."
"What kike?" He speaks quickly.
"Why are we here?"
"You know why, you Jew bastard."
"No sir, I don't. Why are we here?"
"Cletus says because you Jew fucks claim you were in concentration camps. But you Jews are liars. The Holocaust never happened."
"I still don't understand; why are we here?"
"You stupid Jew! Cletus says because we want to make an honest man out of you Jew turds. Understand now, idiot moron?"
"Yes. Thank you." The small man turns to leave, but I call out once more. "Wait." He turns slightly. "Do you like Hitler?"
He turns all the way to face me. "Well yes, of course!" His eyes are glowing with pride. "He did so many good things."
"Like what?" I ask with feigned innocent curiosity, hoping not to provoke him.
"Oh, well, so much. He killed so many dirty Jews. A great man. Too bad he didn't get a chance to kill them all."
"But sir," my hand is stroking my beard and I appear to be deep in thought as if I'm instantaneously discovering some great revelation, "You said the Holocaust never happened."
"It didn't, you lying Jew."
"But if the Holocaust didn't happen, then how can you claim Hitler killed so many Jews? That's exactly what the Holocaust is, Hitler's mass murder of the Jews."
The small man's lower jaw collapses. "Well... But... Cletus said... I... um..."
"You see sir, your beliefs don't make any sense."
"But... I... I... guess.... I guess... you're right," the last two words coming as his head falls.
"So you'll let us go?"
"Well, I guess I have to."

"Thanks." I pat him on the shoulder, wave for my student to come. She hasn't been listening. She sees my hand, perks up in amazement and races towards me. As I walk out of the door, I turn to the small man, who stands there, half the size he was two minutes before, and wink. I take my student's hand and we stride away from the shed, heads held high. "Do me a favor?" Her eyes stare with anticipation. "Don't joke around with Nazis anymore."

Sunday, December 06, 2009

Best U.S. Presidents of the Decade

1) Barack Obama
2) Bill Clinton
3) George W. Bush

list-maker's note: This list is completely and totally objective!

Saturday, December 05, 2009

Fight Day

I had work this morning, but overslept. It was a good thing because the streets were quickly covered with snow, so I decided not to go. That gave me more time to think about the fight between Jewish light welterweight Dmitriy Salita and WBA champion Amir Khan. I spent the day reading about dictators, pausing every few pages to walk around and release my nervous energy.

At 3pm, I went searching on the internet for a link to the fight. They came and went. It wasn't until 4pm that I got a good link. In the middle of the Mitchell - Prescott fight, the power flickered. It only affected the computer, which restarted. After a few minutes, I managed to get the link back.

In the build up to the bout, Salita looked loose and relaxed. He walked out to a Matisyahu song with a focused look and a mean beard. The introductions were made and I was pumped up for Salita.

A few seconds later, a combination, thrown with all of Khan's mite, landed just above Salita's lowered hands and on his face. My throat dropped into my stomach. My heart was numb. Salita got up and tried to avoid the oncoming barage. I screamed for him to hang on. He crumbled again. Salita rose once more. The first round clock crawled forward. Khan hit him squarely again. Salita fell again. The fight was over.

Friday, December 04, 2009

The NBA All Decade Team

C Shaquille O'Neal
PF Tim Duncan
SF LeBron James
SG Kobe Bryant
PG Jason Kidd

Thursday, December 03, 2009

After A Hard Day

We all have our ways of relaxing after a tough day. Some prefer to toke one up, some have a beer, while others would rather snort meth off the ass of their gay prostitute (I'm not judging). Personally, I like to indulge in a Slurpee or two.

A Slurpee is especially called for after a visit to the dentist. I could use a Slurpee after learning about a suicide bomber murdering people at a graduation ceremony in Mogadishu. One is useful after hearing about an explosion of a bus carrying Iranian pilgrims visiting a Shi'a monument in Damascus, especially when the Syria government has the audacity to blame the explosion on a flat tire. And a Slurpee always helps me get over a Bills loss.

So you can imagine my frustration, no, anger, no, some combination of the two, with 7-Eleven's decision to institute skimpier Slurpee caps. The caps are no longer round and the top, but now cave in, preventing me from that extra bit of Slurpee goodness on after a hard day. Don't they realize that we're in a recession? Why deprive us of our enjoyment? That's pretty heartless. Not million dollar bonuses after we bailed your asses out, heartless. But heartless nonetheless.

Wednesday, December 02, 2009

Bring Home the Troops From Afghanistan

Sending more U.S. troops to Afghanistan is not a good strategy. Some argue that we need to "clean up Bush's mess." I won't even mention how paternalistic that is (See what I did there? That's a trick I picked up from Fox News). It assumes that adding more troops will somehow stabilize Afghanistan. It assumes that Bush brought war to that war-ravaged nation. It fails to put this latest phase of the war in Afghanistan into context.

Afghanistan has never been a "country" in the way the United States is one, with a government providing for every corner of the nation-state. Don't give me that bullshit about King Zahir Shah. He couldn't control the disparate population of Afghanistan if you gave him another 40 years as the nominal head of state!

Let's forget the fact that Great Britain, the Soviet Union, and every other historical power you can name couldn't control Afghanistan; Afghanis (with actual legitimacy) haven't even stood a chance! Even when the Taliban captured 90% of the country before the American invasion, they held very little de facto control. Sure, they enforced some outrageous laws in some high-profile places, but let's give the Afghan population some credit. The Taliban did not and will never truly rule over the majority of Afghanistan. They have some pull in the south of the country and the U.S. occupation has done nothing to diminish the Taliban's popularity in the Pashtun heartland. But most people in Herat and Kabul will always resent their presence. In Hazarajat and in the north, the Taliban will always be mortal enemies. There shouldn't be much concern that the Taliban will sweep through the country if and when the U.S. leaves.

Afghanis have been fighting since the late 1970s, and no one has been able to set up anything resembling a functioning government. Perhaps, least of all, Hamid "The Election Stealer" Karzai and his band of corrupt cohorts. They are the U.S. allies right now. If, by some miracle, the U.S. is able to create a stable and secure Afghanistan, it is these frauds that will run Afghanistan's future. Seems pretty futile, doesn't it?

There is a big concern that, if Afghanistan crumbles (it hasn't already? Then what do you call the last 30 years?), Pakistan (a nuclear state, we are constantly reminded) will follow. The problem is that virtually everyone in Pakistan hates the U.S. and every action it takes. As a result, the population tends to support the force opposing the U.S. regardless of its ideology. If the U.S. were to leave, it's clear Pakistanis would disavow the various Talibans, neo-Talibans, and post-modern Talibans. If you haven't noticed, Pakistanis aren't big fans of foreigners operating militarily within their sovereignty. And what are al Qaeda and the Afghan Taliban? Foreigners. They're just "less" foreign than the U.S. And if the Pakistan Taliban did attempt another foray towards grabbing power in Islamabad, they should just remember that it didn't work out too well for them the first time.

To sum up: Let the Afghanis control their own destiny, especially since the U.S. can't be anything more than a band-aid on the swine flu. If the U.S. withdraws, it would likely increase the Pakistanis resolve to fight certain radical groups, because those groups would no longer serve their purpose as anti-U.S. (and, really, anti-Karzai - because the Pakistani military has always viewed Karzai as nothing more than an Indian proxy) forces. (more at International Affairs Edition)

Tuesday, December 01, 2009

Depressing News

It has happened before in my life where some event has induced a precipitous descent into depression. It's happened again. One thought has implanted itself in my mind and will not vacate under any circumstances. It consumes me.

I can no longer eat. Sleep is but a battle with the bed, tossing and turning, trying to get this thought out of my head. But I can't. I must know- what happened with Tiger Woods and that accident? It's all I think about. Was he cheating on his wife with that New York party girl as the National Enquirer has suggested? Why was he leaving his driveway at 2:25 on Friday morning? Was he getting gas or a Slurpee? Those are the only reasons why I leave the house at that hour. Well, not any more. Nowadays, I'm crouched in the corner of my room naked rocking back and forth trying to sort out the missing pieces of this accident.

Maybe he was on Ambien. I heard people sometimes start sleep-driving when they take it, like the Kennedy who confuses shouting with oration. Speaking of which, I could use an Ambien. Google News doesn't update fast enough. The cable news channels aren't telling me anything new. Maybe I'll spend another 4 hours crying. Staring into a bottle of Tiger Woods flavored Gatorade for an hour and 45 minutes hasn't yielded any answers.

I haven't gone to work since the accident. I constantly urinate on myself, too down to lift myself up and drag it to the toilet. Curled up in my bed, a vision of Tiger Woods in a college hoodie with the bottom folded up to show off his tight jeans seems to fill the black of my closed eye lids every night. He slowly takes off his hoodie to reveal a pink tank top and... well... it gets really weird after that, so I'll stop.

I hope he tells us something soon or else I'll have to consider suicide for the first time since that balloon boy thing.