Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Kevin Garnett According to David Billy Bubba Bo

Editor's note: This is David Billy Bubba Bo's reaction to my post on Kevin Garnett.

I don't like those black people. They are .... CENSORED!!!!!

Another editor's note: David Billy Bubba Bo goes on for a couple of paragraphs using anti-black slurs, bigoted slander, and hate-speech. Not once does he mention Kevin Garnett, the Minnesota Timberwolves, or anything even remotely related to basketball. Here is the conclusion of David Billy Bubba Bo's letter...

White Power,
David Billy Bubba Bo

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

More Thoughts on Kevin Garnett

This is a follow-up to Kevin Garnett is Overrated from May 11, 2006.

I admire KG's loyalty to the Minnesota Timberwolves and his passion for the game of basketball. Through words, it's clear that he wants his team to win. But they just haven't.

It's fair to compliment his loyalty and yet criticize his lack of winning. A truly great player should at least take his team to the playoffs. There are 30 teams in the NBA and 16 make the playoffs. When he does make the playoffs, Garnett has advanced past the first round only once. That year he was surrounded by a number of good players. Until he can take a team to at least the top quarter of the league on a consistent basis, I just don't see how he can be called great.

In the NBA, almost any player can score 20 points a night. The key for a team is to determine which player scoring 20 points a night gives you the best chance to win. Udonis Haslem could average 20, but the Heat wouldn't win a game; it's better for them if Dwyane Wade carries the scoring load.

With Garnett leading his team, they haven't been very good over the span of his career. I'm not meaning to knock him, but if people would stop claiming he's one of the best in the NBA, then I could talk about all of the good things he does, instead of having to debunk that sentiment.

Friday, January 26, 2007

David Billy Bubba Bo's Reaction To Jesus' Words

Editor's note: We will not use David Billy Bubba Bo's last name for the sake of keeping his identity anonymous.

Jesus is a daggum fool. How do he know what be in that there Bible? Bein' a homogay is a sin. It ain't right. Abortions is murder and I wrecken the death penalty stops them bad guys. We need to fight the terrorist turban wearers in the I-raq.

God dangit, we need God up in our lives now. East coast liberals done taken over the country. Them east coast liberals hate rednecks. They oh-press us, de-press us, and bench-press us. If you got a southern accent than they think your IQ goes down 10 points. That ain't true. You got a southern accent because your IQ is down 10 points! It's a correlative effect. We need Jesus in our schools, but not what Jesus said. Not that bad Jesus talking from before, we need that there good Jesus that mah daddy told me about.

I know Jesus told George Bush to be the president. Ma daddy told me so. George Bush is a bigamist on the I-raq, he's a bigamist on the economy, and he's a bigamist for not letting them homogays marry. For my dummer readers, bigamist done mean he done see all the two sides of the issue but he done know which one be the right one of the issue.

I'm done done with this writing. I proved that we need Jesus to help us and that there Jesus done out of his cotton-pickin' mind. Now it's 'bout time for me to comb my mullet and go have sex with my sister/wife/aunt.

God Bless the followers of Jesus but not Jesus,
David Billy Bubba Bo

Thursday, January 25, 2007

Jesus Speaks!

My name has been used to justify many different political causes. I'm here to set the record straight and I was told that this is the most popular site on the internet with nearly 7 readers. I trust that the proprietor of this webpage is an honest man.

The Christian conservative agenda is completely and totally correct. I personally selected George W. Bush to be President of the United States because I knew he would institute my vision of this great country that I constantly bless.

I believe that the SPs (secular progressives) have taken G-d out of American public schools and it is ruining the country. There needs to be a place to focus one's energy towards praying to my dad, like a school or a churc... oh. I guess churches suffice. Let me try this from a different angle. G-d is everywhere. So saying SPs take G-d out of schools then would, well, grant them a power that they don't have. And I guess there's really no need to reinforce the dominant religion at the expense of the rest of the populace. Hmmm, perhaps I haven't thought this one through.

One thing I do know is that abortion is wrong. It's right there in the Ten Commandments: Thou shall not kill. That makes sense. As far as the death penalty, you are allowed to kill people who you judge worthy of dying. Well, except G-d is supposed to be the only judge, so that doesn't really work. When you kill someone, even one deemed a criminal, you are acting as if you were G-d and, well, that's wrong. Damn it. Well the Iraq war is right, because it's a justified war.

Hold on. Again, that's judging whether or not someone's death is justified and thus playing G-d. That Commandment is pretty blunt. Thou shall not kill. There are not footnotes on that one. I guess the only possible loophole would be if one was not a human, but instead just a collection of cells combined at conception. Shit. I thought I had it all figured out there for a minute.

I tell you one thing, G-d hates fags! My dad just really despises them. I mean, G-d is a G-d of love, but hating fags is an act of love. Oh, who the fuck am I kidding. G-d doesn't hate anyone. In fact, I have a feeling G-d won't appreciate using language that belittles others. That one never had a chance, I suppose.

I favored Bush's tax cuts though. They help people who have already worked hard to become wealthy. Sure I said that a rich man has about as much chance to make it into Heaven as a camel has of passing through the eye of a needle, but I didn't mean financially rich. I meant spiritually rich. No, that doesn't make any damn sense.

Maybe my views don't really match up with those of Christian conservatives. I really should have had definitive viewpoints before I broke my 2,000 year silence. I humbly apologize.

With Love For Every Human Being,
Jesus H. Christ

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Guest Review of the State of the Union Address

The Great Admiral of China's 15th century naval fleet, Zheng He, and Rabbi David Kaye of Dateline's "To Catch A Predator" fame discuss President Bush's State of the Union address.

Zheng He: Rabbi, did you watch the State of the Union Address?

Rabbi Kaye: Uh, yeah. I did. Um, tell me what you thought of it.

Zheng He: Well, I felt it was an ideologically conservative speech covered in bipartisan rhetoric. Essentially, he is calling for smaller government, which will continue to leave the poor stranded. What did you think of it Rabbi?

Rabbi Kaye: Hmm, it was good.

Zheng He: Did you actually watch the speech Rabbi?

Rabbi Kaye: Sure, I had it on in the background while I was chatting on the internet. But that part about Iraq, man, that was something, wasn't it?

Zheng He: Bush continued to base his Iraq policy on fear. I'm tired of the fear-mongering. The troops need to come home. They only incite violence in Iraq. And the war in Iraq won't help us catch Osama bin Laden.

Rabbi Kaye: What? Oh. Interesting.

Zheng He: Rabbi, you seemed distracted.

Rabbi Kaye: Oh, it's nothing. I was just chatting with this 14 year old boy online. He sent me a picture of himself nude. It's really hard to concentrate when I have such a hard schmekel.

Zheng He: So you didn't watch the speech.

Rabbi Kaye: Fine, you caught me. I was yanking it to teenage boys. What can I say, their supple bodies just turn me on. There's something about a newly Bar Mitzvahed boy that makes me want to white out my Torah, if you know what I mean. I jerk off to young boys, that's what I'm saying. I want to have sex with them.

Zheng He: So you did watch the speech, No Child Left Behind, sending more troops to Iraq, it was about fucking children!

(As an aside, Dikembe Mutumbo is on my fantasy basketball team. My fantasy team is the only one in our league with a presidential guest to the State of the Union address. Suck on that rest of Shabbatai Zvi was a Schmuck League.)

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

A Historic Meeting

David Kaye (pronounced Dayvid Kay), a 21st century rabbi from the Washington DC area who was caught soliciting sex from a 14 year old boy on Dateline's "To Catch A Predator," and Zheng He (pronounced Chung Her), a 15th century ex-slave Muslim eunuch (castrated person) who rose to the rank of the Great Admiral of the Chinese navy, are standing next to each other on a dock, each facing the ocean.

After a few minutes of silence, the Rabbi speaks.

Rabbi Kaye: Were you caught on Dateline too?
Zheng He: Yeah. And then some.

Monday, January 22, 2007

Evil Leaders League, Week 2

Week 2 of the ELL is heating up. Let's see how the evil leaders fared:

Ahmadinejad vs al-Bashir
The religious leadership of Iran told Ahmadinejad to "cut that nuclear aspiration shit out." Moderate Iranians fear that his determination for a nuclear program is only increasing their country's isolation within the international community. Ahmadinejad seems to have lost his political capital since his party suffered election defeats. Hey, evil leaders aren't supposed to worry about "political capital!" According to the Sudanese media, Omar al-Bashir might be the greatest thing since sliced bread (sliced bread being Sudan's most cherished import). He's going to take over leadership of the African Union and keep peace in Somalia. He has also been nicknamed "Mr. Triple 20" because of his proficient dart throwing.
winner: al-Bashir

Chavez vs Hussein
Hugo Chavez will shutdown an oppositional television station once its license runs out in May. Well played! Chavez has done a good job of silencing his opponents without causing too much international outrage over it. His problem is his ego; he demeaned U.S. Secretary of State, calling her a "little girl." There's very little upside to that remark, while it might just piss off the U.S. unnecessarily. However, Chavez keeps rolling because his opponent, Saddam Hussein, is dead.
winner: Chavez

Kim vs Mugabe
Zimbabwe's president, Robert Mugabe, is witnessing the demise of his political party, ZANU-PF. He claims that if he steps down, his party will lose its next election. It's smart for the 82 year old to try to claim that he's important, but his evil leader clout is waning with a sentiment like this. Fading political parties don't help in this league, unless it's those of your opponents. Meanwhile, Kim Jong-Il was allegedly given money by the United Nations and is planning a trip to Seoul in the spring. Coincidence? Almost certainly. But a trip to Seoul is cool. Kim also just bought all ten seasons of Friends on DVD.
winner: Kim

Lukashenko vs Castro
Russia has raised natural gas and oil prices for Belarus. Belarus' President Lukashenko says that this will result in a tough 3 to 4 years for his citizens. Despite Lukashenko's negotiating loss while asking Russia for its energy prices to remain low, he comes out looking good. He has blamed the suckiness of his subjects' future lives on Russia and their high energy prices. Plus, he has vowed to continue to attempt to find ways to lower energy prices. He comes across as a champion for his people. Fidel Castro no longer has control over Cuba and reportedly has an artificial anus. A good way to lose in the ELL is to have things shoved up your ass.
winner: Lukashenko

Week 1 recap

Chavez 2-0
Kim J-I 2-0
Lukash. 2-0
al-Bash. 1-1
Ahmad. 1-1
Mugabe 0-2
Castro 0-2
Hussein 0-2

Sunday, January 21, 2007

Conference Championships and More

The Bears defense should not be confused with the Steel Curtain of the 1970s, the 1985 Bears, or the 2000 Ravens. They will have no scoreless streak or string of games allowing only 6 yards of total offense. They're not one of the best defenses of all time. But they are the best defense in the NFC this year and that's what it takes to make the Super Bowl. They create enough turnovers and make enough big stops to earn that moniker this season.

The Bears also have a great special teams. Their offense shows flashes of being good enough. They haven't needed much of Rex Grossman, because of their other areas of strength. Grossman often looked clueless against the Saints, trying to call consecutive timeouts, trying to snap the ball with no time left in the 1st quarter, and whatever that was at the end of the first half. But people haven't realized that that doesn't matter. The Bears are very good on defense and special teams, and can run the ball. That has proved to be enough to make the Super Bowl during its first 41 years and often win it.

The Colts finally beat the Patriots when it counted and finally made the Super Bowl for the first time since moving to Indianapolis. Peyton Manning led his team back from a 21-3 deficit. Then he led his team down the field for the go ahead touchdown with a minute to go. The Colts need to win the next game for this to matter though. Congratulations to Lovie Smith and Tony Dungy, who will be the first two black head coaches to lead their team in a Super Bowl.

George Mason's men's basketball team won easily at home for the second straight Saturday. It's good to see John Vaughan shooting the ball well and Jordan Carter penetrating with greater frequency. The other role players are coming around too. Of course, the team's two leaders, Folarin Campbell and Will Thomas, are the most important ingredients on the floor for Mason. They've been excellent of late.

The Knicks have played really well since the brawl, coming off of a road win against the new-look Indiana Pacers. I'll reiterate: the key- consistency.

Saturday, January 20, 2007

To Beat Down a Predator

A message to my friends and family:

If I see any of you on Dateline's "To Catch A Predator" I will beat you to death. I swear, I will give you the Randy "Macho Man" Savage elbow to the throat until I've severed something in your neck that was necessary for your life to continue. Then I'll cut off your dick and use it as the middle candle for my Shabbat menorah. I'll put the footage of you on Dateline's "To Catch A Predator" on a CD and then shove the CD up your ass. And after all that, I'll sprinkle some crack on you, then call Kazakh officials and tell them it was a suicide.

That reminds me of the Rabbi who was on that show in the fall of 2005. I fucking hate that guy. He gives Jews a bad name. He gives Jews from Montgomery County, Maryland a bad name. He gives Jews from Montgomery County, Maryland named David a bad name. Oh, I really fucking hate him. If I ever see him in person, I'm gonna punch him in his big creepy Jew nose- I can't miss it.

Friday, January 19, 2007

American Epidemic

For 230 years, 6 months, and 15 days America has been victimized by a heinous epidemic: white people acting like black people and thinking it's funny. Recently, there have been numerous commercials that feature white Germans using black slang, "V-dub in the hizzouse." First of all, saying just about anything, let alone racist imitations, in a German accent is a little off-putting. Second, you don't see any black people dressing up in a uniform and gassing groups of people.

Back in the day, Al Jolson mocked black people in minstrel shows wearing black face. Al Jolson is a kike. And you don't see any black people mocking life in a shtetl (except for Shabaam Sahdeeq's "You Need 2 Give It Up" featuring a sped-up Fiddler on the Roof sample. But in fairness to black people, he's the only one).

I'm done watching old white people rap or otherwise Pat Boone/Elvis Presley (yes I'm using them as verbs) black culture. You don't see black people wearing adult diapers and losing their false teeth. Well, except for old black people. Um, let's forget that one.

Finally, enough with white people mimicking the harshness of black people's predicament and the creativity that stems from it, attempting to strip it of its power. White people are responsible for that unfairness and now white people mock the artistic expression that attempts to eradicate this racism. You don't see black people wearing white hoods and burning crosses on people's lawns.

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Knicks vs Wizards

I went to the Knicks game tonight against the Wiz'tards in DC. The Wiz won by one on a Caron Butler dunk with 2.2 seconds to go. First I'll break down the Wizards, then my beloved Knicks. The latter won't be pretty. But doable, like Christina Ricci (sorry an uncharacteristic lapse with that comment).

Gilbert Arenas aka Agent 0 is really an awesome offensive player. He struggled tonight, but what impressed me was his defense against Marbury. Butler is a really good complimentary player. They have so many offensive options, but I still question their defensive toughness when it comes playoff time.

In other Wizards news, I sat next to a fat guy. He was so fat, his flab knocked over the cup out of the holder and he didn't even notice. I involuntarily donated half of my area to him. He called Brendan Haywood "Driftwood," which is kind of clever the first time, but not every time he does anything on the court. That whole experience was just unpleasant. But there is hope for Wizards fans. I was slightly heckled on my way home (dressed in full Knicks garb). Respectable. In the old days, the arena used to be split in half between the two teams' backers, but tonight there were mostly Wizards fans.

Two things struck me tonight. The Knicks' players are so inconsistent. Eddy "Goat" Curry (a triple entendre: goat curry the food, goat meaning choker, g.o.a.t. meaning greatest of all time sarcastically of course), Jamal Crawford, Quentin Richardson, Nate Robinson, and Channing Frye are all extremely inconsistent. Second, I like the Knicks trapping defense, but they don't have the players to execute it. There's no shot-blocker coming from the weakside to erase any of the many defensive mistakes the Knicks make. They do a terrible job of rotating on defense, as the final play showed tonight. The Knicks left Caron Butler open all night. It was sad. I am sad. Good night.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Me Tutoring Little Hitler

Here are excerpts from my hypothetical tutoring sessions with a 9-year old Adolph Hitler:

Me: Ok, Adolph, keep reading.
Little Hitler: Can I ask you a question?
Me: Ok, but you need to keep reading after.
Little Hitler: Do you go to church?
Me: Well, no. I'm Jewish. [And I don't go to synagogue either.]
Little Hitler: Jewish? What's that?
Me: I'm Jewish, that's my religion.
Little Hitler: Oh, what am I?
Me: Judging by the fact that we're surrounded by pictures of Jesus right now, I'd say you're Christian.
Little Hitler: So I'm Christian? And you're what again?
Me: Jewish.
Little Hitler: Jewish. That's a funny word. Jewish, Jewish. That's so funny.

A week later
Little Hitler: Here's my book for church. I have to memorize these things and answer these questions.
Me: Oh, that's fun.
Little Hitler: No it's not, it's hard. Are these right?
Me: Let me see. Hmm, well it's multiple choice. Which are the words of the Lord? A) Table of Contents B) Genesis C) Page numbers. Genesis, yeah, you're right.
Little Hitler: Oh what do you know, you're Jewish.
Me: [I'm Jewish, I'm not retarded. Plus the answers are upside-down on the bottom of the page] But that doesn't matter. Jewish people can still know those things.
Little Hitler: Look the answers are right here. I was right, yay!
Me: See, good job.

Another week later
Little Hitler: Is this spider bad?
Me: The black widow spider? Yes, if it bites you, you're dead.
Little Hitler: Oh no, is it going to bite me?
Me: No no. It lives very far away. Everything will be ok.
Little Hitler: Are you sure? I'm scared.
Me: Awww, it's ok, it's far away. It won't get you. Don't worry.
Little Hitler: Are you sure?
Me: Yes, it's very far away. I promise you. [There are many other things that are far more frightening in the world that you should worry about]. You're safe. Please don't worry.
Little Hitler: What do you know you're Jewish.
Me: [What does me being Jewish have to do with spiders?] That doesn't matter, trust me, it's far away.

Two months later
Little Hitler: There's a girl in my school; she's a-half-a-Jew.
Me: Um, ok.
Little Hitler: I want to chop her head off.
Me: Why? [Maybe she was mean to him]
Little Hitler: Because she's a-half-a-Jew.
Me: [Yikes, what are you gonna do to a whole Jew?] Oh.

Three days later
Little Hitler: I hate Jewish Christmas.
Me: Well, it's called Chanukah. [I really wish I didn't describe it as Jewish Christmas] Why do you hate it?
Little Hitler: Because it's stupid. I hate it. There's no Santa Claus.
Me: [Wait, did he mean there's no Santa Claus in Chanukah or was that a different topic? Shit.] No, Chanukah's nice. We give presents.
Little Hitler: No it's stupid and you're stupid. I hate you.
Me: Well that's a mean thing to say. I like you. I like you because you're nice.
Little Hitler: I don't like you, because you're a meany Jew.
Me: I'm sorry you feel that way. How have I been mean to you?
Little Hitler: Because you're Jewish. You start all of the wars in the world. You drink the blood of baby Christians. You killed the Lord, Jesus Christ. You control the banks and don't lend money to hardworking people because you are a greedy and kniving group. You will be the reason why Germany will lose in the future war, World War I. You control the liberal media. You control Hollywood. You have big noses. And you have horns.
Me: Maybe, but I know about spiders!

Possibly inspired by interactions (i.e. exact quotes, portions of precise conversations) with a 9-year old student that I tutor (at least the first four and half episodes).

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Evil Leaders League

This league will consist of 8 evil leaders, who will win and lose their matchups based on their actions. They earn wins be being more evil leaderish than their opponent. This is a round-robin league, much like the English Premier League soccer, not a tournament. This season's Evil Leaders League (ELL) is dedicated to Slobodan Milosevic and Augusto Pinochet.

Let's meet the competitors:
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad - president of Iran since 2005.
Kim Jong-Il - leader of North Korea since 1994.
Hugo Chavez - president of Venezuela since 1999.
Omar al-Bashir - president of Sudan, ruling since 1989.
Alexander Lukashenko - president of Belarus since 1994.
Fidel Castro - president of Cuba, ruling since 1959.
Saddam Hussein - president of Iraq from 1979-2003.
Robert Mugabe - president of Zimbabwe, ruling since 1980.

Week 1
Ahmadinejad vs Mugabe
Ahmadinejad's recent meetings with Hugo Chavez, solidifying their anti-American evilness, more than makes up for his party's struggles in the election late last year. Mugabe extended his term as leader of Zimbabwe until 2010, but has made plans to divide executive power, deflating his own authority. That's pretty weak for an evil leader.
winner: Ahmadinejad

Lukashenko vs al-Bashir
Lukashenko won his election by about 100%, which is good for him, but his power might be thinned thanks to efforts to infiltrate Belarus with independent media via Radio Racja stationed in Poland- never a good prospect for an evil leader. However, Omar al-Bashir is in trouble as the world protests his alleged involvement in the Darfur region of Sudan. Genocide is always a plus for an evil dictator, until somebody notices.
winner: Lukashenko

Chavez vs Castro
Overall, Chavez wishes he was Castro. But times have changed. Fidel has transferred de facto power of Cuba to his brother Raul. That hurts his stock big time. Meanwhile, Chavez's meeting with Ahmadinejad is just a continuation of his accession in the world of anti-Americanism; he's making a challenge for the top spot. He labels America as an evil imperialist nation, controls oil production from Venezuela, and wants to help the poor. Helping the poor is underrated for evil leaders. Hey, someone's gotta support your evil-doing.
winner: Chavez

Kim vs Hussein
Kim Jong-Il had all that hubbub with nuclear weapons not too long ago. Nuclear weapons are an evil leader's dream, because it gives him political capital on the world stage. Saddam Hussein is dead and likely to have a rough season ahead of him.
winner: Kim

Chavez 1-0
Kim J-I 1-0
Ahmad. 1-0
Lukash. 1-0
al-Bash. 0-1
Mugabe 0-1
Castro 0-1
Hussein 0-1

Monday, January 15, 2007

Happy Birthday

Now it doesn't make much sense
There ought to be a law against
Anyone who takes offense
At a day in your celebration
'Cause we all know in our minds
That there ought to be a time
That we can set aside
To show just how much we love you
And I'm sure you would agree
What could fit more perfectly
Than to have a world party on the day you came to be

Happy birthday to ya
Happy birthday to ya
Happy birthday
Happy birthday to ya
Happy birthday to ya
Happy birthday

I just never understood
How a man who died for good
Could not have a day that would
Be set aside for his recognition
Because it should never be
Just because some cannot see
The dream as clear as he
That they should make it become an illusion
And we all know everything
That he stood for time will bring
For in peace our hearts will sing
Thanks to Martin Luther King

Happy birthday to ya
Happy birthday to ya
Happy birthday
Happy birthday to ya
Happy birthday to ya
Happy birthday

Why has there never been a holiday
Where peace is celebrated all throughout the world
The time is overdue
For people like me and you
Who know the way to truth
Is love and unity to all God's children
It should be a great event
And the whole day should be spent
In full remembrance
Of those who lived and died for the oneness of all people
So let us all begin
We know that love can win
Let it out, don't hold it in
Sing it loud as you can

Happy birthday to ya
Happy birthday to ya
Happy birthday

We know the key to unity of all people
Is in the dream that you had so long ago
That lives in all of the hearts of people
That believe in unity
We'll make the dream become a reality
I know we will
Because our hearts tell us so

- Stevie Wonder

Happy Birthday Martin Luther King Jr.

Sunday, January 14, 2007

Divisional Round Recap

The NFL playoffs have been quite exciting this year, especially in the AFC. This must be what the AFC playoffs during the 1970s were like, great teams playing close games at a high level. The Colts beat the Ravens in a field goal game. It was the second defensive game in a row that the Colts won. I believe that this is their year (as my playoff prediction shows). New England just won the other AFC game thanks to another Tom Brady late-game drive. A great play by Troy Brown, who stripped the Chargers' Marlon McCree of the ball after an interception was crucial. The Patriots just know how to win and unfortunately Marty Schottenheimer just knows how to lose big games.

Now the old rivals meet and the winner goes to the Super Bowl. The Colts finally have a home game against the Patriots in a big game and that will help. So will the way their defense has been playing. Whatever happens, I can't wait. I chose the Colts to beat the Patriots 27-14 before the playoffs began.

I've predicted the AFC exactly correct, but not the NFC. The Saints won a wild one over the Eagles. Though I picked the Colts to win it all, it's hard not to root for New Orleans. And they are playing really well on all sides of the ball. I was told that the Bears would kill the Seahawks. I didn't believe it. Everyone also has qualified that with, "Unless Rex Grossman loses it for them." But the Bears defense hasn't been as great as it was earlier in the season. Their special teams have been weaker too. The Bears won in overtime today and will be at home against the Saints, but they need to play much better if they want to beat Drew Brees and his club.

I'm 6-2 picking winners, 8-0 with spread. Hey, these playoffs have been easier to pick than a Belarusian election. I got my money on Alex Lukashenko. Take that Loser-a-shenko. I may finally win the family football pool for the first time in about 8-9 years, up 3 with 3 to play.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

Top 10 Quarterbacks of All Time

What I thought would be a short and simple unveiling of our Top 10 quarterbacks of all time turned into a several-hours-long shouting match between me, my brother, and my friend. I think I won because the other two slightly amended their lists by the end. Anyway, it was the most fun I've had in a little while (and I just went on an awesome cruise).

# - David - Ian - Mike
1 - Elway - Elway - Montana
2 - Montana - Montana - Unitas
3 - Unitas - Unitas - Marino the nazi
4 - Graham - Favre - Favre
5 - Favre - Graham - Graham
6 - Luckman - Young - Starr
7 - Young - Luckman - Staubach
8 - Starr - Baugh - Young
9 - Baugh - Starr - Elway
10 - Tarkenton - Bradshaw - Griese

Our lists and justifications were created independent of one another. I'm aware that there are a lot of similarities, but we argued over the glaring (and even the not-so-glaring) differences, twisting numbers every which way and trying to explain our valuing system for intangibles. Here's my very brief analysis:

David- I valued winning above all, though numbers (statistics) were important. Importance to a team was also essential, one of the reasons why Elway is number 1 and Tarkenton is on the list. I mainly looked at championships, MVPs, TD to INT ratio, yards passing, and I compared the last two to contemporaries.

Ian - Interestingly enough, Ian's order shows that he favors stats over wins, except for the Bradshaw selection. I say this because he ranked Favre over Graham and Young over Luckman. He took QB rating into account in addition to the qualifications I looked at minus importance to his team (hence Bradshaw). He is also my younger brother and looks up to me (figuratively, the bastard is like a half of a foot taller).

Mike - He initially claimed to value championships won the most, but later admitted that he valued numbers over wins. He doesn't feel the QB is that important to a team's success. I disagree greatly (listen, I'm trying to keep this post civil). It also came threw that intangibles (except when it comes to Staubach and Bob Griese) were not important. A player's ability to scramble to make a play or take his team down the field for a win played a small role in his list. Marino exemplifies these two points. He and Tarkenton are the only two on the lists never to win a championship. Tarkenton went to 3 Super Bowls, has the numbers, could make a play, and was 10th on my list, while Marino went to 1 Super Bowl and has great numbers, but that's it. He was 3rd on Mike's list. Mike looked at All Pro appearances (evidently, Griese's 2 get him one, 0 MVPs), QB rating, yards, TDs, and championships played in and won.

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Idiot Protesters

Americans are overwhelmingly against the war in Iraq. It was a disaster and is only getting worse with each passing day. President Bush is going to deliver a speech on his Iraq policy later tonight as Americans are still upset and the lives of countless Iraqis have been ruined. Thus, some people are planning to protest near the White House lawn. Here is an excerpt from DCIndymedia advocating the protest:

Bush's escalation of the war is not a time for silence. President Bush is set to address the nation at 9:00 pm on Wednesday. The plan is for demonstrators to head down to the White House sidewalk directly adjacent to the press encampment on the north lawn.

Ok, good start, but then the blub takes a turn for the worse:

When Bush finishes his warmongering speech, protesters will be there to raise their voices in protest.

What a fucking horrible sentence! What kind of idiots are writing this shit? That's why the right thing never comes to be; Because the people leading protests are usually illiterate fucking morons. I mean you have everything going for you- people don't trust Bush, they want the war to end, they feel empowered- and then you come with, "When Bush finishes his warmongering speech, protesters will be there to raise their voices in protest." Shameful.

It ended with: "This is what democracy sounds like." What, idiocy?

Monday, January 08, 2007

More Searches

Here are more actual searches that have led people to the HarazQuack Times. I enjoy thinking about the conversations that led to these searches.

First of all the three most common searches that I get are some variation of:
kim mulkey robertson divorce (I have no fucking idea who these people are)
magic johnson isiah thomas kiss (a touching moment)
Trevor Burbeck (his name is actually Trevor Burbick; spell it wrong once and everyone comes to your site).

I'm not sure that's what I want the Times to be known for, but here are some other searches:
symbolism in Take Pity by Bernard Malamud (sorry to disappoint you)
advocate of sarcasm (I am)
channing frye shirtless (sorry I couldn't provide that)
winner of 1993 fight between Tommy Morrison (couldn't provide that one either)
rocky II rocky's sideburns
definition "Yo Quero" (definition "You're an idiot")
creplach food (I love the person who did this search)
balaban + croatia + jew (I + wish- BOSKO BALABAN!)
sammy davis junior pee on women (he did not)
yo quero taco bell translation (what's moron in Spanish?)
kevin garnett illegitimate children
mother teresa homosexuality
dan snyder kike (he is)
rocky 6 gay (he isn't)
lead singer for kiss is derogatory toward gentiles
yo quero meaning (wow people are dumb)
"really had to poop" (evidently, me too)
why did people in the 1970s wear hats (why do people in the 2000s ask stupid questions)
uncircumcised saddam
phrase "mustache rides" meaning (c'mon, think about it for a sec... got it? good)
hitler uncircumcised
david morrison hitler gay
hitler youth hairstyle
dirk nowitzki circumcised
(circumcision status and German men, a hot topic)
karl rove's gay nazi grandfather
big nipples for gay people named mr hernandez (my favorite)

I had hoped to provide thoughtful yet humorous commentary through this blog, boy did I fail!

Sunday, January 07, 2007

Wild Card Weekend

Another interesting weekend of Wild Card games has passed. It always seems that the craziest games take place in the first round of the playoffs. Probably because the teams playing are good, but not good enough to limit the mistakes that make the games so bizarre.

I was astounded that the Colts defense played so well. They were one of the worst defenses historically during the regular season and were facing a very good running back in Larry Johnson. It just shows how valuable Bob Sanders is. This might be the win that lets Peyton Manning relax. He played poorly, but his team won anyway. The fate of the Colts is not entirely on his shoulders. The Patriots were back to their old form. The Eagles didn't look great, but Brian Westbrook is really good, definitely a top 5 back in the league right now.

The Cowboys vs Seahawks was the wildest game. Between the fumble through the endzone and the botched field goal, it was a memorable game. I was happy to see that the refs did a great job with all of the questionable plays. I also really enjoyed that Al Michaels and John Madden were on their shit whenever something controversial happened. There are so many football announcers who just don't know the rules. The only thing they missed was at the end of the game when Tony Romo picked up the ball and ran after he messed up the hold: Even while Babineaux was tackling him, all he had to do was stick out the ball for the first down. It didn't seem like Michaels or Madden realized that he was so close to the first down. They made no mention of that, just that he failed to score a touchdown. Nevertheless, it was a very exciting game.

Saturday, January 06, 2007

Mike's Jew Team

Mike has dropped Zsa Zsa Gabor (considering she's not really Jewish. We shouldn't have let Mike check it himself) and picked up Sacha Baron Cohen. Mike would like people to know that he planned on picking up Cohen before Borat was released, but I would like people to know that he planned on picking up Sacha Baron Cohen after several years of Da Ali G Show both in Britain and in the United States.

Mike's Updated Team:
Israel Ben Eliezer
Simon Bar Khokba
Joseph Pulitzer
Moses Ben Nahman
Emile Durkheim
Trudy Weiss-Rosmarin
Harry Houdini
Lev Vygotsky
Annie Liebowitz
Larry David
Rachel Adler
George Gershwin
Nadine Gordimer
Paul Simon
Dennis Gabor
Gene Simmons
George Soros
Sacha Baron Cohen

This makes Mike's Jew Team a little funnier, and improves the overall squad, but it still sucks. He has about 5 really good picks and the rest are either meaningless, bad, or offensive (the opinion stated above does reflect that of the HarazQuack Times, but probably not Mike).

I have a feeling that William Donohue will consider my evaluation of Mike's team as a case of yet another Jew being anti-Catholic. Listen, 94% of Jews don't know anything about Catholicism. The other 6% were raped by priests.

Up next on the waiver wire: David
The original Jew Draft

Friday, January 05, 2007

The Cruise

Nassau, Bahamas
We stopped in Nassau, Bahamas for a few hours. White people hang out on the one tourist street and on Paradise Island. Very few venture past even a block outside of that boundary. I walked around the neighborhoods and discovered that many people live in one-floor houses covered in fluorescent colors- blues, greens, pinks. The people were very nice and polite. Whenever I made eye contact, I was shocked- coming from the DC area - to get a "hello" back. It was never a phony or a mocking greeting. A few guys came up and just started talking to me. In fact, I was offered weed twice before 8:30 in the morning! They drive on the British side of the road, but they have cars with the steering wheel on the right side and those with it on the left, which freaked me out.

I walked by the parliament and saw the parking spaces for the president of the senate and the speaker of the house. Across the street was the parking spot for the opposition leader, which is hilarious- make him walk across the street to work. Also, if he becomes troublesome, maybe he has an accident while crossing the street. Hey, you never know. St. Thomas
St. Thomas had the same divide as Nassau. Tourists stayed along one street and no white people could be found even two blocks from the water. This was the only stop I walked around with ma and we tried to go down one street laced with apartment buildings. An old local man stopped us and asked, "Are you strangers?" Of course he was asking if we were foreigners, but my answer should've been, "No, she's my mom." After replying yes, he advised us not to walk down that road. I asked, "Why, is it dangerous?" He thought for a second and said yes. Then I asked, "Even in daylight?" He answered upset, "Fine, if you want to go down there, go ahead." We decided not to. I think he just didn't want us walking through his neighborhood.

We were walking by one intersection when a police man got on his loud speaker from inside his police car and started ordering people around. "Sir, you're blocking the road, you've got to make a left." The taxi driver flipped out, but reluctantly did what he was told. Taxis are weird looking, see below. In St. Thomas, people drive on the British side, but there are solely American-style cars. Then the police man announced, "Young man, put down that phone." I turned and a young man in his car closed his cell phone and set it down. I tried really hard not to fall down laughing.
San Juan, Puerto Rico
I believe I walked the entire length and breadth of San Juan. It has a big city feel, but the buildings are covered in typically Caribbean fluorescent colors- pinks, peaches, greens- which is cool. It's a very beautiful city and probably the only place of the four that I would go back to. Nothing of note happened. Labadee, Haiti
Labadee is a beach-side resort that Royal Caribbean bought. It's fenced off. I walked by the fence and encountered some locals who raised their hands and said, "Man, give me money." It was neither rude nor threatening though. I think one kid did mention a knife, but I really wasn't alarmed. It was a concrete example of the division between the haves and the have-nots. I knew that was the case, but it's another thing when you experience it.

The compound had a "flea market" and an "artisans shop," I believe the whole thing was contrived. The merchants all worked together, and were selling Labadee shirts (I was offered weed again in the "flea market"). A Haitian guy was working a Ben and Jerry's stand and 20 minutes later someone from Royal Caribbean had taken over. They sold drinks called Coco Loco's, which are the four most annoying syllables since Donald Rumsfeld.

I went into the clear Caribbean waters and a woman was snorkeling near me. She raised her head out of the water and said, "Be careful where you step." I asked, "Because of the rocks?" I had already stubbed a few of my toes on the numerous stones. "No, there are millions of sea urchins," she answered, as if I were the biggest idiot in the world. But she didn't know what she was talking about. I could see that there weren't any "sea urchins." And I don't think she was too observant anyway, considering that while she was snorkeling around me, I peed in the water and she didn't notice. That's a true story by the way. And yes, I am proud of it.

Thursday, January 04, 2007

NFL Playoff Predictions

Wild Card Round
3) Eagles 24-14
6) Giants

4) Seattle
5) Dallas 31-27

Divisional Round
2) Saints
3) Eagles 21-17

1) Bears 17-9
5) Dallas

Conference Championship
1) Bears
3) Eagles 24-3

Wild Card Round
3) Colts 38-31
6) Chiefs

4) Patriots 24-16
5) Jets

Divisional Round
2) Ravens
3) Colts 24-13

1) Chargers
4) Patriots 14-13

Conference Championship
3) Colts 27-14
4) Patriots

Super Bowl XLI
Philadelphia 10
Indianapolis 31

For some reason many people come to my site after searching for whether or not certain NFL players are Jewish. There are some really idiotic inquiries. Let me clear some of them up. J.P. Losman is not Jewish. In fact their are only a few Jewish NFL players and none of them are big names. Sage Rosenfels and Jay Fiedler are the only Jewish QBs, assmuing Fiedler is still on a roster. Peyton Manning is not Jewish. There are no Jewish NBA players right now (except for Jordan Farmar, who is a maybe). Danny Schayes was the last. Thus, David Lee is not Jewish.

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

From the Desk of Gerald Ford

December 24, 2006
To whom it may concern,

I know what you think of me. When my time on earth has passed, you will think of two things: my pardon of Richard Nixon and the Saturday Night Live sketch where Dana Carvey impersonates Tom Brokaw announcing my death. I'm ok with that.

I'm the twentieth century version of Rutherford B. Hayes. In 20 years, I will be the answer to an obscure trivia question. Who was the 38th President of the United States? Most will answer: Nixon? Reagan? Only the truly nerdy will know it's me. And I hope that knowledge gets somebody some action with their lady friend sometime.

The 38th President of the United States. The number 38 is tied with any subsequent even number for the honor of being the least divisible even number above 36. That sums up my presidency: not very divisible. What? What does that even mean?

I'm accused of not being so coherent just because I fell down quite often and pledged that Poland would not succumb to the communists several decades after it had already done so. But I know enough to assert that Iraq was a mistake. Of course the Iraq I'm talking about refers to a Scrabble game with Betty back in 1987. Iraq is a proper noun and thus is an illegal play in Scrabble. Betty lost her turn, but doggone it, she won in the end.

I think I'm about done here. I would just like to end by saying that I never intended to be president and my term in office proves that. As a president, I was a great football player.

God Bless,
Gerald R. Ford

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

All H-duk Football Hall of Fame

Class of 2006
WR Cris Carter
RB Marcus Allen
CB Darrell Green
WR Andre Reed
WR Art Monk
TE Shannon Sharpe

Class of 2005

Monday, January 01, 2007

The Prayoffs, Game 7

I was out of the country, but all indications point to the fact that Christmas took place this year. Since Christmas happened, somehow Pat Robertson wins. Anyway, the series is 3-3 heading into deciding Game 7.

Game 7
It all comes down to this. In the spring of 2003, Pat Robertson claimed on his program 700 Club that the second coming of Jesus will take place during 2007. His reasoning was that it was 40 years after the 6-day war, which supposedly gave Israel its biblical borders.

If Jesus does come back in 2007, then Pat Robertson wins the Prayoff series and his is the one true lord. If Jesus, does not come back during 2007, I win the prayoff series, and my G-d is the one true lord. Simple enough. Check back in a year.

Game 1: Fidel Castro didn't die in the allotted time, I led 1-0.
Game 2: I didn't get a girlfriend in the allotted time, Pat Robertson tied the series 1-1.
Game 3: It took me too long to run a marathon, Pat Robertson led 2-1.
Game 4: The Democrats took the House, the Senate and won the Maryland governorship. I tied the series at 2-2.
Game 5: My neck still hurt, I led the series 3-2.
Game 6: Christmas happened, Pat Robertson tied the series at 3-3.