Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Me Tutoring Little Hitler

Here are excerpts from my hypothetical tutoring sessions with a 9-year old Adolph Hitler:

Me: Ok, Adolph, keep reading.
Little Hitler: Can I ask you a question?
Me: Ok, but you need to keep reading after.
Little Hitler: Do you go to church?
Me: Well, no. I'm Jewish. [And I don't go to synagogue either.]
Little Hitler: Jewish? What's that?
Me: I'm Jewish, that's my religion.
Little Hitler: Oh, what am I?
Me: Judging by the fact that we're surrounded by pictures of Jesus right now, I'd say you're Christian.
Little Hitler: So I'm Christian? And you're what again?
Me: Jewish.
Little Hitler: Jewish. That's a funny word. Jewish, Jewish. That's so funny.

A week later
Little Hitler: Here's my book for church. I have to memorize these things and answer these questions.
Me: Oh, that's fun.
Little Hitler: No it's not, it's hard. Are these right?
Me: Let me see. Hmm, well it's multiple choice. Which are the words of the Lord? A) Table of Contents B) Genesis C) Page numbers. Genesis, yeah, you're right.
Little Hitler: Oh what do you know, you're Jewish.
Me: [I'm Jewish, I'm not retarded. Plus the answers are upside-down on the bottom of the page] But that doesn't matter. Jewish people can still know those things.
Little Hitler: Look the answers are right here. I was right, yay!
Me: See, good job.

Another week later
Little Hitler: Is this spider bad?
Me: The black widow spider? Yes, if it bites you, you're dead.
Little Hitler: Oh no, is it going to bite me?
Me: No no. It lives very far away. Everything will be ok.
Little Hitler: Are you sure? I'm scared.
Me: Awww, it's ok, it's far away. It won't get you. Don't worry.
Little Hitler: Are you sure?
Me: Yes, it's very far away. I promise you. [There are many other things that are far more frightening in the world that you should worry about]. You're safe. Please don't worry.
Little Hitler: What do you know you're Jewish.
Me: [What does me being Jewish have to do with spiders?] That doesn't matter, trust me, it's far away.

Two months later
Little Hitler: There's a girl in my school; she's a-half-a-Jew.
Me: Um, ok.
Little Hitler: I want to chop her head off.
Me: Why? [Maybe she was mean to him]
Little Hitler: Because she's a-half-a-Jew.
Me: [Yikes, what are you gonna do to a whole Jew?] Oh.

Three days later
Little Hitler: I hate Jewish Christmas.
Me: Well, it's called Chanukah. [I really wish I didn't describe it as Jewish Christmas] Why do you hate it?
Little Hitler: Because it's stupid. I hate it. There's no Santa Claus.
Me: [Wait, did he mean there's no Santa Claus in Chanukah or was that a different topic? Shit.] No, Chanukah's nice. We give presents.
Little Hitler: No it's stupid and you're stupid. I hate you.
Me: Well that's a mean thing to say. I like you. I like you because you're nice.
Little Hitler: I don't like you, because you're a meany Jew.
Me: I'm sorry you feel that way. How have I been mean to you?
Little Hitler: Because you're Jewish. You start all of the wars in the world. You drink the blood of baby Christians. You killed the Lord, Jesus Christ. You control the banks and don't lend money to hardworking people because you are a greedy and kniving group. You will be the reason why Germany will lose in the future war, World War I. You control the liberal media. You control Hollywood. You have big noses. And you have horns.
Me: Maybe, but I know about spiders!

Possibly inspired by interactions (i.e. exact quotes, portions of precise conversations) with a 9-year old student that I tutor (at least the first four and half episodes).

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