Thursday, September 29, 2005

Bill O'Feminist?

Why is it that the most conservative (anti-women) white men are the ones so ardently against Hip Hop's influence on the culture because of its perceived misogyny? There must be something deeper here.

Monday, September 26, 2005

Message to My Fellow Protestors

After attending a few peace protests, I have seen a number of things that should be changed, eradicated, or added to improve the effectiveness of the protest and in expressing the cause. Here is the list:

  • Let's stick to the issue. If the march is about protesting the Iraq war, let's leave freeing Palestine, however noble, out of it. Freeing Palestine and stopping the Iraq war have about as much in common as Saddam Hussein and the attacks on September 11. Sure there is a superficial link, but perhaps the oppression of Palestinians deserves its own protest. Listen, I'm all for gay Nevadans marrying, but unless the wedding is going to be in Tikrit, that's a separate issue.
  • Correct spelling on your signs please.
  • Let's try to formulate a complete sentence. "Bush Oppressor Iraq Bad" is not exactly the most articulate cry for peace that there has ever been. That's almost as bad as if the president were to say, "There's an old saying in Tennessee, I know it's in Texas, it's probably in Tennessee, that says, 'fool me once... shame on... shame on you... eh, fool me, can't get fooled again.'"
  • Che Guevera? Is this an anti-imperialism protest or a peace protest? If it's a peace protest, Che's gonna have to sit this one out.
  • Please comb down your spiked-up hair. I can't see the fucking stage!
  • All protestors must shower.
  • George Bush is not Hitler. Hitler had one ball and George Bush has none! Ha! Sorry, that made no sense. (Another criticism that I have). But can we get some historical perspective here?
  • No freaks!
  • Stop handing out crazy papers that claim that the Kennedy assassination had something to do with September 11.
  • I know these organizations need donations, but it'd be cheaper to take a date to a fancy restaurant and then snort coke off of her belly in an expensive hotel room using $100 bills to wipe your ass. I've never done it.
  • Just because you're exerting your natural right to protest for the sake of peace, you don't have to be gross about it. Use a tissue when you sneeze. If you feel guilty about it, plant a tree.
  • Be informed about the issues facing the world today. Use that knowledge.

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Katrina For Sale

Popeyes, the fried chicken restaurant chain, has an ad out for naked chicken strips. It's been airing for several weeks now. Tonight there was white text displayed over the ad, which includes two minors showing a Popeyes worker a fake ID in order to receive some naked chicken strips. The text read "donate to our Hurricane Katrina fund at Popeyes," (emphasis added). My instant reaction was 'what the fuck!'

So, they're asking you to visit your local Popeyes in order to donate funds for hurricane relief. That seems a bit fishy to me. While you're at your local Popeyes restaurant, don't you think you might tempted to, I don't know, purchase some Popeyes chicken or other food/drink-related item. The classy thing would have been to put up a website to donate to the fund or a phone number. But no, Popeyes wants to make a buck or two and sell their products while you donate. It's their new marketing ploy. Hey, it might spread and all companies will have their own hurricane relief funds that you can only donate to after you've purchased their products or visited their store. Fuck you Popeyes, fuck you.

Also, don't go to Burger King because of their new anti-Buffalo Bills commercials.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Racist Balls

Driving on the beltway surrounding "Our Nation's Capital" I saw a red pickup truck. On the back of the truck was a wooden bar with the confederate flag painted on it. There was a sticker of the flag pasted on the truck's back window. My first inclination was to be pissed off. 'That fucking traitor! Terrorist!' Ok, ok, I didn't think that.

I was pissed off because, personally, I'm against enslaving black people (again). Then, I nervously got closer and saw that the truck had New York license plates. I became less pissed off. That redneck has balls! What New Yorker has a fucking confederate flag (the symbol of the southern secession due to the South's insistance on expanding slavery into the terroritories, prompting the American Civil War back in 1860-1865)? I mean, it makes no sense that he would have that, but it does take large testicles. Fucked up testicles, but big fucked up testicles.

Monday, September 19, 2005

We All Make Mistakes

I have shit in my pants too many times for an adult (always spray farts, but still). I predicted a John Kerry presidential win. I've yelled at my mother too often. I made jokes about St. Louis Cardinal pitcher Darryl Kile the day he died (he died in his hotel room and I'm just thinking about the impact that would have on the hotel staff. [Repeated knocks on the door] "Housekeeping, housekeeping," the hotel worker cries in a Hispanic accent. "Hey, open the fucking door, housekeeping. You better be dead!"). I referred to a Holocaust survivor as a "schmuck" (though I was playing the part of his wife at the time). I told an attractive young woman that her "face makes me throw up" (oops). Let's just say, I've made a lot of mistakes in my life.

None bigger, however, than my most recent guarantee. Just scroll down two posts (although you really should read my account of the Marlins-Phillies game Saturday night), and there it is.

Read it? Back now? Ok. So what happened was the Philadelphia Eagles defeated the San Francisco 49ers 42-3. Let me repeat that. So what happened was the Philadelphia Eagles defeated the San Francisco 49ers 42-3. I was 26 points away from tying the spread!

I admit it. I was dead wrong. There's nothing I can do about it now except give my condolences to the Kile family and tell that young woman that she is very attractive and I only said that because I'm an idiot. Hell, I guaranteed that the 49ers would cover against the Eagles.

Oh yeah, sorry ma.

Sunday, September 18, 2005

Wacky 9th

The Phillies were down 2-0 heading into the ninth inning. The Marlins Dontrelle Willis looked unbeatable. He has reached the status of one of the game's premier pitchers thanks to his performances this season. Willis was three out away from yet another league leading shutout. I just wanted to see the cruel end to a game that would have left the Marlins ahead of the Nats. (The Phillies are also ahead of the Nats, but we've had their number. Wins against the Marlins have been tougher to come by). Mom called. She was pissed. We had to go to the grocery store.

"Just a sec ma, it's the ninth." Ma stormed out of the room fuming. I actually saw fire spew from her nostrils.

One man reached against Willis. No big deal. Then a walk. Willis needed to buckle down. It wasn't yet time for Todd Jones, the Marlins' sure-fire closer, as the left-handed slugger Bobby Abreau quietly strolled to the plate. Willis induced the groundball that he needed headed straight for the golden glove of Luis Castillo. As Castillo turned to watch the ball that he should have caught scat into right field, Willis' shutout vanished. Insert Todd Jones.

At this point the Marlins were still leading 2-1, but in a bit of trouble. Five MORE defensive miscues later, the fish were fried. The Phillies batted around before the Marlins even recorded an out. Two pop-ups in between the speedy Juan Pierre in centerfield and Castillo dropped, both letting in runs. Jeff Conine, playing first base, watched as the ball rolled through his legs. Todd Jones fielded a bunt and then through the ball away from any of his teammates as if it were an active grenade. The Phillies shortstop Jimmy Rollins had a hit streak on the verge of ending heading into the 9th. He garnered 2 hits, scored 2 runs, and batted in 2 more in the 9th inning alone. Juan Pierre finally got his much deserved error in the inning when a throw of his to home went ary.

The Phillies scored 10 runs, sent 14 batters to the plate, batted around before an out was made, saw 6 defensive mistakes, benefited from 4 errors, and won the game all in the ninth. Wow.

"Alright ma, NOW we can go."

Friday, September 16, 2005

Spread Guarantee

For the first time in my life I am guaranteeing that a team will cover the spread. Gaining thirteen points, the San Francisco 49ers will cover against the Philadelphia Eagles on Sunday. I guarantee it. Bonus points for an upset win.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Donovan McNabb Has Crabs

After a difficult offseason, including his verbal altercation with teammate Terrell Owens, and now nursing a bruised chest, Philadelphia Eagles Quarterback Donovan McNabb has tried to escape it all. Unfortunately, his foray with crabs resulted in a burning sensation. McNabb had bumps and cuts from his Monday night defeat at the hands of the Atlanta Falcons. The Old Bay sprinkled on his plate of crabs seeped into his bruises, but McNabb attempted to tough it out. McNabb's mother was right there to give her son a kiss and feed him some Campbell's Chunky soup (congratulations, the one millionth joke involving Donovan McNabb's mother and soup!). The McNabb's shared a glass of wine and talked about football, mortgages, and crazy Aunt Bertha. Then, after Donovan paid, they left the seafood restaurant.

Several important questions arise from this report. How sad have I become to actually be writing this? Is it worse that I made the whole thing up? Why did my mind create this? Why did I then feel the need to blog it? What the fuck is wrong with me? Why are you still reading this crap?

It's nice to have football back.

Sunday, September 11, 2005

Four years ago, the United States of America was attacked. What was attacked was the harm that our government's policies have caused. What the attack created was a sense of community among the people of this nation. Since the weeks following September 11, 2001, many Americans have stood behind the same government policies that initiated those attacks instead of upholding the ideal of community that was formed after the tragedy. We've watched our country go to wars that have not been sufficiently justified. We stood by and in many cases supported such endeavors. At times it has felt as if the people of this country did not retain the lessons that that horrible event provided us.

September 11, 2001 was one of the saddest days of my life. It changed my life in a very important way. But four years afterward, the victims have ceased to be remembered as the individuals that they were, but instead they have become pieces of political propaganda. While protesting the Iraq war, the protestors produced a rift in the rally, and I was stuck in the middle. Alone, with protestors far in front and lagging behind, a man came up to me and screamed with all of his heart, "Fuck you! Don't you fucking remember September 11th?!"

I remember.

Saturday, September 10, 2005

Black People

There has been some talk about the fact that the federal government's response was slow because many of those Americans stranded in New Orleans were poor and black. Fucking right!

The United States of America was founded on racism. Racism is in this country's soul. From slavery, to Jim Crow, to, now, colorblindness. Now racism takes its shape primarily from people who consider us "all humans" and claim that race doesn't matter. Well, (to use a patrilinear example) if your great grandfather was a slave, your grandfather was a sharecropper, your father did some menial labor job, and now your only chance at college is a scholarship from an under-funded high school, perhaps race does matter. That's only one type of racism. But I don't have the space or energy to argue other ways that black people do not actually have an equal opportunity in America (news flash).

The fact of the matter is that the Bush administration and at least the three before him, do and did not care about poor people at all. Reagan himself was especially hostile to black people in particular, starting his presidential campaign in Philadelphia, Mississippi, a small town where three civil rights workers were murdered a bit more than a decade before. He preached about returning to American values (racism, exploitation, etc.).

There is no doubt that had rich white people been affected by the hurricane that the government would have rushed to save them. They did. The French quarter was evacuated well before the poorer areas of New Orleans.

Certainly there are a whole fuck-load of people to blame. Barbara Bush called this disaster a good thing, because the Astrodome was better than where its new inhabitants lived in New Orleans. Fuck you Barbara. But let's play the "blame game" for real. George W. Bush is to blame.

Where were the soldiers to help these people? Dying in some fucking foreign country from a war that Bush started. Why? Because of September 11? That was simply an excuse. But we were all too dumb to realize that. Instead, we were all behind Bush for some reason. A horrible tragedy happens on the leader's watch and the leader is praised? There's no fucking logic to it. He fucked up then, even worse than he did after the hurricane.

Kanye West said that George Bush doesn't care about black people. I say, say what you want to say. Nobody says what they feel anymore in the public eye. It's about fucking time.
Bush has ruined this country. September 11 attacks, two disastrous wars, unemployment, restriction of rights, and even the gas prices are three times as high as five years ago (the last straw!). In the words of Blueprint, "...I hate the president. What kind of world are we living in, when you killed Martin and Malcolm, but you let this coward live?"

Now, to quote Chuck D, "I ain't calling for no assassination, I'm just saying who voted for this asshole of the nation?" Did he really win because of so-called morale values? He snorted cocaine for fuck-sake! Did he win because he could lead the war on terror? Two disastrous wars! Two! He skipped out of the National Guard, and was a miserable businessman. How does that qualify a person to lead anything, except for maybe a cocaine party?

Plus, nepotism got us into this mess. Forget that he's the son of another incompetent president, he put his buddies in positions such as the director of FEMA. The audacity of him. He's been playing on the country's stupidity from the beginning and we're all too proud to accept that fact. So, whatever percent keeps supporting him. Congress hardly puts up a fight, and Neil Bush will be the next Supreme Court Justice. Either him or that guy who called the Geneva Convention on human rights "obsolete." What is he again? Oh right, the attorney general of the Untied States of America. I wonder how many black people died in the Gulf coast since I started writing this?

Thursday, September 08, 2005

Nats Fiasco

I went to the Nats-Marlins game excited. If the Nats were able to pull out a win against a team ahead of them in the wild card chase, it would be huge. I was sitting in the first row in the upper deck in left field. The only thing in front of me was a vast field of green. This was awesome!

Three and a half hours and seven Nats pitchers later, the Nats were on the humiliating side of a 12-1 score. If that wasn't bad enough, during the game a huge bug flew right into my face. On the way out of the stadium, a pretty drunk girl heckled me. On the metro ride home, a pro-Israel Jewish girl was pitying those poor settlers in the Gaza Strip who have been moved from their homes. (What about the Arabs who were kicked out of their homes in 1948? Can we have some empathy please?) Then she told her gentile male friend that Jews should marry other Jews. I wanted to enter into a debate with her, but not after a 12-1 loss.

Of course, no matter how bad things get, it's always nice to be in great company. Unfortunately, I went to the game alone.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Homeless People Stink

There I was, trapped on the D.C. metro. Held hostage. Smacked in the nose, I could hardly breathe. I was gagging, tears streaming down my face. No one was helping me. I had been beaten badly by a homeless man's stench.

Perhaps, you have been attacked in a similar fashion, perhaps not. The bottom line is that you could be next. The smell of homeless men can strike at any time. You might be concealed in a mass transit system such as myself when it strikes, or on an elevator, or in a dark alley. You never know.

The only way we can stop these olfactory terrorists is with radical measures. We need to eradicate these urine-soaked street dwellers. They must cease to exist. For the good of American nostrils, the foot odor (a combination of year-old milk, three types of rotten fungi, and SARS) of these unkempt putrid specimens must become a historical anecdote.

So how do we rid ourselves of an army of men with chunks of shit pasted to their anuses? We must stop at nothing to accomplish this feat. It will take a social welfare system the likes of which this country has never seen. A place where a man can bathe to relieve himself of over two decades of pigeon shit from his hair and jacket. We need to create avenues that grant employment opportunities for someone who eats the rats that Taco Bell rejects. We need a system that is not paternalistic, but instead opportunistic, taking advantage of the potential of someone who reads condom wrappers and seven-month-old People magazines found in the trash for enjoyment.

I know these proposals sound radical. But we all need to make sacrifices, even ideological ones, to protect the noses of our children and our children's children. I know I want to give my grandchildren a world where they are free from the fear of being trapped on the metro with a homeless dude who smells as if he rubbed his body in horse shit and shampooed with sulfur. Do you? Our only option is to provide a chance for these men to find employment and ultimately a place to sleep in a bed, a place to relax, and most importantly a place to take a fucking shower and stop smelling like shit!

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

The President

I'm not going to take the time to berate President Bush for his mishandling of the hurricane crisis in the Gulf Coast of the US. It wouldn't mean much coming from a Leftist Commie Jew such as myself. It would simply be seen as yet another opportunity to capitalize on the President's mistakes and further my own abortion-loving agenda.

We all know where I stand on Mr. Bush's actions; I don't need to criticize him. Of course, I was behind him after the attacks of September 11, 2001 (standard response to have any credibility in America, though true for me until about the 15th). I won't discuss my disagreement with the Afghan war. That war has been a huge success in several areas, I will admit. The first is to effectively "move" the Taliban and al-Queda to Pakistan where they can stay safely. Pakistan, being our ally, is free from a potential US attack, and is home to a percentage of Taliban and al-Queda supporters. The war also solidified the lawlessness pervasive in Afghanistan, though Kabul is relatively more stable (relative to what?).

It wouldn't do any good for me to argue against the Iraq war. The war has been a potentially genius plot to prevent an attack on America's soil and only sacrifice the Iraqi people and poor American soldiers in the process. Of course, allowing militant Islamists to consolidate and put aside their differences is a bit dangerous. I don't much care for the logic of turning a stable (though repressive) nation-state into a chaotic mess on the verge of civil war. But I guess that chaos is simply democratic "growing-pains."

I will not debate the extreme moral threat that two men or two women sharing a loving monogamous relationship pose to the world. Unlike Mr. Bush, I see monogamy as more of a "good thing" rather than the destruction of the modern family.

Also the inhumanity and utter illogic of the death penalty, a device that Mr. Bush used quite frequently as Governor of Texas, will not be a topic of discussion.

Thus, I do not see the point of reprimanding Mr. Bush for his apathy to the point of disdain for American citizens who are black and poor. It is clear that the fear that the Bush administration has engulfed this country with has hardened its citizens to the point where there are so many potentially fatal dangers that we can't possibly pay attention to them all. The residents of the Gulf Coast, had they been provided the means to do so (as the federal government should), most likely would have stayed put anyway. Not because of stupidity, but because of poverty (since the federal government never effectively attempted to evacuate the region's poorer citizens) and an ambivalence to impending doom. There's always something getting ready to kill us (terrorists, diseases, etc.), but how do we know which is real and which is simply hype?

Mr. Bush has not only been the leader of this fear campaign, but simply put, failed to act quickly and effectively enough to save human lives. The lives of American citizens. Instead, he continued his vacation and gave speeches on far less pressing issues. I'm glad I didn't talk about any of those topics, because then you might know how I really feel.

Saturday, September 03, 2005

Hope from the Hurricane

A 105 year old woman and a five year old girl holding hands while being evacuated from the New Orleans Convention Center.

Maybe it's something.

Friday, September 02, 2005


I'm not sure that there are any grand lessons to grasp on to from the tragedy of the hurricane. I don't feel the need to recount the misery that the people in the affected areas are experiencing. Instead, I keep those people, whom have survived and those whom have died in my thoughts and prayers.

Unfortunately, this world is filled with many fatal perils. Many of those are human-made. It seems bizarre when a tragedy of this proportion is not the product of human hands. Will nature's destruction bring the human family together? The answer is almost certainly no. But, perhaps, we can act in a way befitting that ideal. It's time to rise up and put our own concerns aside and give a shoulder to someone, anyone, who needs it right now.