There I was, trapped on the D.C. metro. Held hostage. Smacked in the nose, I could hardly breathe. I was gagging, tears streaming down my face. No one was helping me. I had been beaten badly by a homeless man's stench.
Perhaps, you have been attacked in a similar fashion, perhaps not. The bottom line is that you could be next. The smell of homeless men can strike at any time. You might be concealed in a mass transit system such as myself when it strikes, or on an elevator, or in a dark alley. You never know.
The only way we can stop these olfactory terrorists is with radical measures. We need to eradicate these urine-soaked street dwellers. They must cease to exist. For the good of American nostrils, the foot odor (a combination of year-old milk, three types of rotten fungi, and SARS) of these unkempt putrid specimens must become a historical anecdote.
So how do we rid ourselves of an army of men with chunks of shit pasted to their anuses? We must stop at nothing to accomplish this feat. It will take a social welfare system the likes of which this country has never seen. A place where a man can bathe to relieve himself of over two decades of pigeon shit from his hair and jacket. We need to create avenues that grant employment opportunities for someone who eats the rats that Taco Bell rejects. We need a system that is not paternalistic, but instead opportunistic, taking advantage of the potential of someone who reads condom wrappers and seven-month-old People magazines found in the trash for enjoyment.
I know these proposals sound radical. But we all need to make sacrifices, even ideological ones, to protect the noses of our children and our children's children. I know I want to give my grandchildren a world where they are free from the fear of being trapped on the metro with a homeless dude who smells as if he rubbed his body in horse shit and shampooed with sulfur. Do you? Our only option is to provide a chance for these men to find employment and ultimately a place to sleep in a bed, a place to relax, and most importantly a place to take a fucking shower and stop smelling like shit!