Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Andy Van Slyke's Rampage

Andy Van Slyke has always been overshadowed, both on and off the field, by his former fellow early-1990s Pittsburgh Pirate outfielders. Yesterday, he did something to at least get rid of the off the field shadows.

While volunteering at a local youth center, Van Slyke went crazy, nipple twisting anything in sight. At first, the kids thought it was fun, an adult playfully breaking the rules. But the episode soon turned tragic. Tiny little nipple after tiny little nipple left twisted, distorted, mangled. Kids fell to the ground holding their bosoms in tears. No one who witnessed it will soon forget.

In his wake, Andy Van Slyke, who hit .274 in 13 seasons in the Major Leagues, left dozens of hysterical children and twice as many bloody nipples. "It was like a scene out of war," recalled the janitor, John Jaffey.

The youth center sent out a memo stating, "We are very disturbed by the actions of Mr. Van Slyke yesterday. His role with the children at our center was supposed to be one of protector and educator, not of nipple-twister. We are disappointed. Mr. Van Slyke will be suspended from all our activities for the next two weeks."

According to prosecutors, Van Slyke will be charged with 97 counts of child abuse and 52 counts of child sexual molestation.

After numerous attempts, Andy Van Slyke could not be reached for comment.

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