Sunday, October 31, 2010

Green Maryland

The HarazQuack Times endorses Maria Allwine for Governor of Maryland. She favors a single payer healthcare system and isn't in the pocket of BGE. Her hands are clean as the Green Party doesn't accept corporate donations. Don't worry Democrats, Martin O'Malley will win. He has a comfortable 14-point lead. But his negative ads against Robert Ehrlich represent the actions of a typical politician. He is more concerned with keeping his political career progressing than adhering to the wishes of the largely progressive constituents he represents.

The HarazQuack Times also endorses Kenniss Henry for the U.S. Senate as a protest vote against Barbara Mikulski. Mikulski, who will win easily, was one of twenty Senators to vote against authorization of the Iraq in 2002. The vote should be commended, but she has consistently voted to fund both wars, in Iraq and Afghanistan. She tries to explain away this clear hypocrisy by spouting typical political rhetoric that she is "supporting the troops." She asserts that she will not leave the troops in the field unfunded as if that was the only alternative. It is disingenuous at best.

Kenniss Henry is the mother of former Green Party candidate Natasha Pettigrew. Pettigrew died last month as she was killed by an SUV while riding her bicycle. Henry has movingly picked up her daughter's campaign.

Saturday, October 30, 2010

The Rally to Restore Sanity Was Insane

Rallies always remind me of the Holocaust. There's always hours of standing against your will enduring the weather, there's never any food, and there's always an appearance from Hitler.

I drastically underestimated the number of people attending the rally. The metro trains were jam packed. We had to let one go and then push our way into the next train. Once inside, there was a lot of unintentional dry humping going on. A random man guarding the door pushed people out who were trying to board at each stop. He pushed one woman who muscled her way on board, cramping us further. That guy's probably going to hell.

I got off at Gallery Place and strolled towards the Mall. My plan was going swimmingly. Until I ran into the wall of people a block away. I tried to call my friend to see where he was, but the cell phone signals were jammed. I never saw him. I finally managed to get to the Mall after having to backtrack a little. I began to get excited. But then I realized I couldn't hear a damn thing.

I pushed my way gradually forward (within the flow of the crowd, I'm not that douchebag). I heard a little from Yusuf Islam and Ozzy Osborne. Then I didn't hear so good. Instead, the crowd around me and I watched people struggling to climb up trees to get a better look. We cheered them on and groaned when they fell.

Finally, we inched our way to within earshot. Except for the ambulances, helicopters, and talking idiots in the crowd, I could hear for the most part. I could only see the back of the fat guy in front of me though. There was something about the Dude You Have No Qur’an guy and Kareem Abdul Jabar.

After the rally was over and I was sufficiently sun burnt, I walked to Dupont Circle to try and avoid the crowds. But the train was still relatively packed. I think that might be it for me and rallies; unless nobody cares about the issue, like Darfur, immigration, war, and women.

Friday, October 29, 2010

The Psychic Brain Machine

Reportedly there is a "brain machine" that can read people's minds. So can this website. Watch.

If you're male:

Right now you are thinking about sex.

Now, you're thinking about baseball.
This website is amazing, I know.

Now, you're thinking about sex again.
Nailed it!

If you're female:

You're thinking about having sex with me.

Now you are.*
The psychic powers of the HarazQuack Times astounds.

* - Thinking about not having sex with me counts.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

I Found Someone!

After all the years of searching, I've finally found someone. Someone who understands my needs and is in total sync with me. Someone who gets me. Someone who mirrors me. Someone who is like an extention of me. Someone who is a part of me. Someone who knows how to please me. Someone who will never leave me. That someone, is my left hand.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

World Series: What to Watch For

While watching the postseason, I noticed that San Francisco has very stupid fans. There were numerous times a Giant made contact with the ball and the crowd went wild with anticipation only to wind up being a can of corn 100 feet away from the wall. I even heard the crowd cheer on a meek ground ball to the second baseman (hit by a righty). And they gasp every time the opponent makes contact. It's like the entire crowd has never been to a baseball game and thinks everything is a homerun.

It's cheating that the AL team gets to use a DH at all. Texas has Vladimir Guerrero. The Giants will feature their best pinch hitter at DH. It doesn't seem fair. Because it's not.

The Rangers have never (even made or) won the World Series. The Giants haven't won since they moved to San Francisco. As much as hate everything Texas, the stupidity of the San Franciscan (described above) makes me hope the Rangers win just because the fans actually follow baseball.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

2010-11 NBA Predictions

1. Miami, 2. Boston, 3. Orlando, 4. Chicago, 5. Atlanta, 6. New York, 7. Milwaukee, 8. Charlotte
1. L.A. Lakers, 2. San Antonio, 3. Dallas, 4. Portland, 5. Utah, 6. Oklahoma City, 7. Denver, 8. L.A. Clippers

Lakers 4-3 Miami

Monday, October 25, 2010

Pacquiao and Steroids

I criticized Manny Pacquiao for his unwillingness to allow for indiscriminate drug testing during negotiations for a potential fight with Floyd Mayweather that would have taken place this past spring. If Pacquiao had nothing to hide, why wouldn't he be willing to take a drug test? Mayweather would be forced to endure the same testing.

When negotiations for the super fight fell apart this summer, it seemed like Mayweather's fault. It was reported that Pacquiao had accepted taking any drug tests with no restrictions. Mayweather's camp even denied that negotiations had taken place, a strange argument. One that made it appears as if Mayweather's was culpable for negotiations falling through this time around.

But on 24/7, Pacquiao's advisor, Michael Koncz, made the admission that Pacquiao would not be willing to take a drug test within 7 days of a fight with Mayweather. They used the same weak excuse that Pacquiao feels drawing blood so close to the bout would drain him. It is unfair to use circumstantial evidence to convict Pacquiao of using steroids, even in our own minds. It would only be fair with hard proof. But, his reluctance to a take a drug test without restrictions does raise suspicions that he is on steroids.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

The Bills are 0-6

The overtime loss against the Ravens was painful. Part of it was that the Bills put up a great effort on the road against one of the better teams in the league. But the bigger part was that the officials were rooting hard for the Ravens.

Flacco lost a fumble that was recovered by the Bills. It was rightly reviewed and overturned. Spiller fumbled soon after, a play that was close enough to review, but wasn't. Then a clear interception by Reggie Corner was inexplicably overturned upon review. Apparently, his second foot came down on Anquan Boldin's leg and not the ground, which I guess doesn't count. But Corner's butt hit in bounds before he slid out. It should have been called an interception, a blown call that cost the Bills the game.

The next play was also reviewed and a dubious catch was overturned in the Ravens favor despite no conclusive evidence. The Bills fought back, even after the avalanche of points and bad reviews. Buffalo managed to get the game into overtime thanks to a long Rian Lindell field goal.

In overtime, the Bills were driving. Shawn Nelson caught a pass and his forward momentum was clearly stopped. The Ravens predictably held Nelson up and stripped the ball. Not only did the refs err by calling it a fumble, but the play was never reviewed. The booth consistently reviewed plays that could help the Ravens and overturned three calls in their favor. Meanwhile, two plays that went against the Bills should have been reviewed and weren't. It was a bad day for the replay booth and the head referee.

That the game was stolen from the Bills overshadowed Ryan Fitzpatrick, Stevie Johnson, and Lee Evans great play.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Juan Williams Was Wrong

I have a signed book by Juan Williams. Unfortunately for Juan Williams, that doesn't prevent him from being dead wrong about his comments implying Muslim culpability for the attacks on 9/11/01.

If Juan Williams had said, "I am afraid when I see people in Muslim garb on my flight. I am wrong. It is a prejudice that I am struggling to overcome," he should be commended. Again, unfortunately for Juan Williams, he related this fear to the fact that the hijackers who committed the 9/11 attacks were Muslim and that somehow a person was shackled by political correctness if they didn't admit to the same fear.

Yes, all of the hijackers were Muslims. Unfortunately for Juan Williams, they numbered only 19 out of a global Muslim population of over a billion. So to conflate all Muslims with the hijackers is utterly disrespectful to all precepts of logic. He may not have explicitly said "Muslims were responsible for 9/11" as Bill O'Reilly has, but the implication of his comment was very clear. I am scared of Muslims because Muslims committed 9/11.

The part of Juan Williams's quote that struck me as additionally illogical was the reference to "Muslim garb." None of the hijackers on 9/11 wore Muslim garb that day. It would be more accurate (though still incredibly illogical) to say, "I fear dark skin men wearing western clothes when I get on a plane because of 9/11." But, imagine you're a Muslim terrorist about to embark on your mission; would you wear Muslim garb? That's just bad terroristing. Let's now turn to a portion of the preeminent guide for terrorists.

The al Qaeda Guide to Becoming a Terrorist
1. Blend in...

Further more, can you think of any potential terrorists who attempted to attack the U.S. in Muslim garb? The shoe bomber, the Christmas day bomber, the dirty bomber, the Times Square bomber, none of them were wearing Muslim garb. Incidentally, anyone else think it's weird that they all got "bomber" in their nickname despite not actually bombing anything. By that logic, I'm going to take up the nickname of "Successful and Handsome." In any event, racial profiling is illogical, especially when it's based on obvious inaccuracies.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Operation Distraction

I know. I know. Things are bad. Our economy is crumbling (like a cookie!), we've been isolated internationally (since the Tajikistan Crisis), and you're fed up (an ironic choice of words I'll admit, considering there's no food). I am too. My fellow citizens of our great country, I'm here to say I feel your pain. Can we turn things around? Yes we can!

Just remember, you're either with us or against us.

Today's decrees
I hereby decree the unveiling of a new calendar titled The Girls of My Harem, only $9.95, sold everywhere fine retailers are located and want to stay in business.

Check out Miss January, she's the hottest!

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

O'Malley Attack Ads

I'm no Robert Ehrlich fan. But O'Malley's attack ads are off putting. They're not effective anyhow. I just assume the accusations are distortions of the truth. I don't care about what the O'Malley campaign says Ehrlich did 24 years ago. What are you going to do in the next 4 years as governor? That's what I care about. Come on Martin O'Malley, you're better than that.

Looks like it might be another election where I vote Green.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

A Political Trend

The Democratic candidate for Senate from South Carolina Alvin Greene.
The Republican candidate for Senate from Delaware Christine O'Donnell.
The Republican candidate for Senate from Connecticut Linda McMahon.
The Republican candidate for Governor of New York Carl Paladino.

What the fuck is wrong with you people? Are you that stupid? Do you not realize that these nutjobs could impact your lives in important ways? Choose some nutjobs that can at least perform the minimal societal tasks we demand from each and every member. Nutjobs like Jim DeMint, Chris Coons, Richard Blumenthal, and Andrew Cuomo.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

A New World Record!

I don't know what the world record for times violently vomiting within a twelve hour period is, but whatever it was, I broke it this past Friday.

I don't know what caused the upchucking. It could have been one of the many processed frozen foods that I consumed (a couple from TGI Fridays). It could have been the faux store-bought smoothie I guzzled. It could have been from the Doritos I ingested. It could have been the 7-11 hot dogs I downed. It could have been the disgusting socio-economic discrepancy between the haves and the have nots in our world. Or maybe it was just looking at your face that did the trick.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

The Long Layoff

The Tim Lincecum vs. Roy Halladay matchup was supposed to be one of the all time best playoff pitching duels. Instead, it's 4-3 heading into the 8th inning. Why is that? Did the two studs simply fold under pressure?

Not at all. After pitching on a regular schedule the entire season, both hurlers have had over a week of rust, uh, I mean, rest. The Phillies clinched their divisional series last Sunday while the Giants won theirs this past Monday. Why Game 1 of the NLCS is tonight and not two or three days ago is beyond me. It's bad business, it's bad for the fans, and it's bad for the pitchers.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

The Maryland Governors Debate

I wanted to like Robert Ehrlich. I wanted to give him a chance and show that I'm not driven by ideology, but by pragmatism. For some reason, Ehrlich made that task exceedingly difficult.

Based on this last debate, I'm more ideologically in line with Martin O'Malley. O'Malley acknowledged that when your state has a horrendous deficit, taxes need to be raised. That takes guts to say, but it also makes sense. Ehrlich shockingly pulled a George Bush and asserted no taxes would be raised were he in office and tried to make it seem as if he was taking a brash stance.

Martin O'Malley called illegal immigrants "new Americans" which I felt was incredibly empathetic and political courageous. It appeals to a nonexistent voting bloc and to human decency. Ehrlich criticized O'Malley for the term and, as an afterthought, begrudgingly conceded that people shouldn't be left on the street hungry and naked even if they are illegal. O'Malley also supported equal rights for gays and recognizing same-sex marriages initiated in DC. Ehrlich was proud to say, no way.

But throughout the debate, the tone of the two was the story. Ehrlich did O'Malley a favor. I've always thought O'Malley comes across as a phony, but today he appeared measured and reasoned. Ehrlich was combative and argumentative. He was also blatantly hypocritical. He accused O'Malley of relying on clichés. To deliver this message he resorted to clichés himself, saying, "Leaders answer questions." He also accused O'Malley of "talking like a politician," another cliché.

O'Malley threw in his weight of attacks against Ehrlich. He certainly wasn't innocent. Ehrlich's attitude just made him see that way. As a result, O'Malley was impressive. He even convinced me to support the purple line.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Chilean Miners Recued!

I'm so happy that the miners in Chile have been rescued. It's a wonderful story. But I'm curious about their jerk off rotation while they were trapped in the mine. Was it first come first serve? Were there certain days assigned to each miner? Did everyone else have to look the other way while a miner jerked off? Or were the lines demarcating personal space obliterated by their circumstance? Did they play ookie cookie? They had to kill the time somehow and, in my experience, the way men kill time together is by playing disgusting homoerotic games. In any event, congratulations to the miners on getting out of the mine and still being alive.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

No Sexting Scandal For Me

Brett Favre allegedly texted a picture of his (likely) wrinkly penis to a sideline reporter who looks like a younger, slightly hotter, version of his wife (who is a cancer survivor). If the allegations are true, which they probably are (because if they're not, we have quite a story that I've already deemed "The Incredible Penis Mix Up" just in case), it's all pretty sick.

But it got me thinking. I'm willing to go on record and safely say that I will never be involved in a sexting scandal. For starters, I'm thoroughly impressed that Brett Favre would be able to send a picture of his penis via text. I didn't realize that was possible and certainly wouldn't know how to do that.

Secondly, I can't dream of a situation where I would even want to send a picture of my penis to someone via text. I can't imagine that a picture of my penis would be very enticing. I think I'd only send a picture of it if I was explicitly asked, and I'm relatively sure that I will never be asked to text a picture of my penis to anyone.

That takes me to the sexting in general, sans penis. Maybe I'm old. Maybe the generational line for thinking texts are anything but tacky messages you send to someone you don't really want to talk to occurred the day after I was born. I just can't fathom sending a text for any other reason than to determine how late someone will be or to make the occasional pithy comment.

And it just takes me forever to write a text. By the time I've written a sexually explicit text, I would have had more than enough time to reconsider. I have a "classic" cell phone. Are they still called "cell phones"? No keyboard on the screen or other sci-fi crap like that. I don't have an Iphone and hearing the abbreviation BBM makes me giggle. I can only think of a big bowel movement when I hear those three letters. So, in conclusion, no sexting scandal for me. Sorry.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Self-Driving Cars

Robot-controlled cars could be in our future. One the one hand, it makes me nervous. I'm not sure I trust robots like that. On the other hand, it could be safer. Robots have quicker reactions than human, have a 360 degree peripheral vision, and don't get drunk.

The other advantage is that you wouldn't have assholes cutting you off or driving ridiculously slow in front of you. Also, the tiny female members of my family, who often can't even see over the wheel, would be off the road, always a good thing.

The problem with the robot cars is that a lot of powerful interests would be left out. States would no longer be able to roll in the money they obtain from driving infractions (whether real or perceived). Car insurance companies would cease to be (or at least they should). Neither state governments nor car insurance companies are going to capitulate without a fight. Even if it's in the public's best interest.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

The Bills are 0-5

It seems like the season just started, but somehow the Bills are already 0-5. They still have a mathematical chance at making the playoffs, but only because it would be mathematically impossible for them not to. Another proficient offensive performance was wasted again today.

The anxiety begins to mount. There are 11 games left to win a game. I'm not sure when it's going to happen. But it better. I already spend enough of time crying myself to sleep. I don't need another reason.

Friday, October 08, 2010

I'm Your Benevolent Friend

Let's say I gave you syphilis. Then, I got rid of your dad and instituted a far meaner step dad in his place. Over the next 40 years, various step dads beat you mercilessly. And I supplied the belt. Not only that, I publicly praised your step dads for their compassion.

What would you do? Would you just accept my claims that my intentions were noble?

(More on U.S. relations with Guatemala at HQT-IE)

Thursday, October 07, 2010

Gandhi vs. Rocky

I try to pattern myself after Gandhi and Rocky. That might seem like a bit of a contradiction, but it's all about knowing which person to follow with regards to a particular area.

Topic: Violence
Who I follow: Gandhi
Why: Rocky's violence is controlled and limited to sport, but I still like the nonviolent route personally.

Topic: Diet
Who I follow: Rocky
Why: A glass of raw eggs tastes hideous, but it beats a bunch of vegetables any day of the week. Plus, I like a late night/early morning nosh.

Topic: Clothes
Who I follow: Rocky
Why: It's easier to run in sweats.

Topic: Knowledge
Who I follow: Gandhi
Why: Like Gandhi, I can read.

Topic: Pithy Comments
Who I follow: Both
Why: Because Western civilization is a good idea, but if my turtles could sing and dance, I wouldn't be doing this.

Winner: Me!

Wednesday, October 06, 2010

MLB Playoff Predictions

NYY over Min - Tex over NYY
Tex over TB

SF over Atl - Phi over SF
Phi over Cin

World Series
Phi over Tex

Random thoughts:
The American League is the Canadian Football League of baseball. Use 9 players at a time or get out of the country!

Let me just reiterate, determining home field advantage based on which league won the all star game is moronic.

Tuesday, October 05, 2010

Sitting Down for the Anthem

The fascist-like social pressure to stand up during the national anthem to honor our freedom is ironic. I'm done with it. If we were truly a free country, we would have the right to choose to honor (or not honor) our country as we individually see fit. So I will no longer be complicit in standing up as a protest against the U.S. military actions and neo-imperialist policies.

Unless, of course, I'm sitting in the wrong (higher-priced) seat at a baseball game and don't want to draw attention to myself.

Monday, October 04, 2010

The 2010 Nats

The story of the 2010 Washington Nats is one of young players with potential and a whole lot of terrible defensive plays. Stephen Strasburg (5-3, 2.91), who had a sensational stretch, briefly made the franchise relevant. He's expected to miss the 2011 season recovering from Tommy John surgery.

The team's star, Gold Glove 3B Ryan Zimmerman, hit .307 with 25 HR and 82 RBI. 1B Adam Dunn, a free agent, hit behind Z. Dunn (.260, 38 HR, 103 RBI), who struck out 199 times, started the year with an inflated average that eventually came down. OF Josh Willingham only played in 114 games, but hit .268 with 16 HR and 56 RBI. The Nats had future Hall of Famer Ivan Rodriguez behind the plate. Pudge struggled at the plate, but was an invaluable member of the team. Fiery OF Nyjer Morgan (.253, 34 SB) had an off year.

But the future rests with its young players. Zimmerman is the cream of the crop among them. SS Ian Desmond (.269, 10 HR, 65 RBI, 17 SB) started to figure things out towards the end of the season. In the field, he has great range, but the rookie made 34 errors. OF Roger Benrnadina (11 HR, 47 RBIs, 16 SB) had a horrid slump at the end of the season, which clouded an otherwise impressive rookie season. 2B Danny Espinoza came up in September and showed prominence in the field and hit 6 HR and 15 RBI during the last month of the season despite a low average. C Wilson Ramos was acquired in a trade for Matt Capps and is a hot prospect. So is first round pick Bryce Harper.

The Nats spent money on starting pitching, but it didn't pan out. Jason Maquis and Chien-Ming Wang were oft injured. John Lannan (8-8, 4.65) was briefly sent down to the minors and Jordan Zimmermann struggled coming back from Tommy John surgery. Only Livan Hernandez (10-12, 3.66, 33 starts) was consistent. In all, 13 pitchers started at least a game for the Nats in 2010.

The best aspect of the Nats was its bullpen. Matt Capps had 26 saves before he was traded. Rookie Drew Storen was subsequently given the chance to close and performed well. Tyler Clippard, Sean Burnett, and Joel Peralta were the pen's stalwarts.

Jim Riggleman will be back to manage the club next season after going 69-93 and finishing last in the division this year. But he had done a good job. Be that as it may, the Nats are not close. The defense was atrocious, the offense was sluggish, and the starting pitching was awful. Strasburg was the only starter to register a winning record. There will be a few more years of nose-picking and glue-eating for this young team.

Sunday, October 03, 2010

The Bills are 0-4

I wonder if the Bills will win a game this season. I sincerely hope so. Time to go to the corner, strip naked, huddle in the fetal position, and cry myself to sleep.