Thursday, November 30, 2006

Diversity Idiots

I have a friend born and raised in India. When we were in college, white students would always ask her about growing up with so much diversity around her. She'd just look at them dumbfounded, thinking, "What the fuck are you talking about?"

She grew up in the southwestern state of Kerala where she was surrounded almost entirely by (surprise!) Indians. Her city of Cochin does a have a degree of religious diversity, there are of course Hindus, some Christians, some Muslims, and a Jew street, but all of those people are (surprise again!) also Indian.

So, white American students, please use your brain before saying anything.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Ted Haggard vs Mark Foley

"Dude, let's just get high and go nuts."
"I dunno, ur not really my type. Too old."

The Competitors
Ted Haggard is the former anti-gay Pastor and leader of an Evangelical organization of 30 million people. He snorted some meth (evidently one can snort meth, I checked) and had some of that gay sex with a male prostitute. Oops.

Mark Foley is a former Congressperson from Florida, who co-wrote legislation implementing harsh punishment for child molesters. He resigned from Congress for writing sexually charged emails to boys, who were young enough to be 'Nsync fans and not automatically deemed effete. Plus, he probably had sex with a couple of them. Then he entered a rehab program for a fictitious case of alcoholism. Yikes.

The Competition
So, which is worse?

Let me first say that both make me ejaculate a little. Not because elicit explicit detailed stories of drug-induced manlove and cyberpedophilia turn me on, but tales of hypocritical horrible men make me quite stiff and misty. Hey, everyone has fetishes.

Think about this: if Ted Haggard was anything but an anti-gay activist, then there wouldn't be any problems with him having the gay butt sex. He could have all of the gay butt sex he wanted and I'd be cool with it. Jesus would be too (I asked him, he's part of the Secret Jewish Conspiracy email club). In which case, the only things he would've done wrong is snorting meth, paying for sex, and committing adultery. But he was an anti-gay activist, so the hypocrisy part of the gay sex is wrong.

Mark Foley was also a hypocrite. If he had just said that child molestation was ok, he wouldn't be a child predator AND a hypocrite, just one of those. Also, The HarazQuack Times is ready to officially call Mark Foley a child-fucker, due to intensive research of the instant message conversations between Mr. Foley and congressional pages that clearly indicate there was some touchy-feely involved.

The Break-down
Ted Haggard was anti-gay, which is bad. Turns out he's gay, which is good. He committed adultery, which is bad. He said doing meth was bad, which is good. He did meth, which is bad. Mark Foley said fucking children was bad, which is good. He fucked children; that's bad. He said he was alcoholic, which is bad. He's probably not alcoholic, which is good.

The Conclusion
Ted Haggard and Mark Foley had the exact opposite scandal and none of it was good. And the winner is... Everyone except Ted Haggard and Mark Foley.

Monday, November 27, 2006

G-d Shammg-d

Personally, I believe that G-d transcends human comprehension. Confining G-d to a building, (saying- this is G-d's House) contradicts this. For me, the appropriate time to ponder G-d is more important than the proper place. I do respect places that are used to focus one's energy on G-d, I just don't believe they are holier than everywhere else. G-d is everywhere and thus everywhere is holy. The spot with the Dome of the Rock, the Western Wall, and the steps Jesus strolled on, is no more holy than the backseat of anti-gay Pastor Ted Haggard's rented Ford Fiesta as he snorts meth off of a male prostitute's ass. I dunno, does one snort meth? I've got enough trouble trying to break my 5-Slurpees-a-week habit.

A G-d, not THE G-d.

Sunday, November 26, 2006

Leave Us Out Of It

Adam Sandler sardonically sung, "O.J. Simpson, not a Jew." Well, neither is Michael Richards.

The worst part of Michael Richards' racist rant was that it shifted the dialogue on racism in America back to a place where we thought we had passed. Most of us know that you don't scream out slurs at someone, not due to political correctness (looking at you Andy Rooney), but because it's wrong and it's hurtful. I'm all for calling people out because of who they are (a jerk, an asshole, a vicious racist), but I'm not for calling people out for what they are.

Somehow the Jews have been brought into this fiasco. Specifically, many have "accused" Michael Richards of being Jewish. He's not. He's a high-ranking Freemason, a member of the Scottish Rite, and was raised Catholic. His name is Michael Anthony Richards. Ok, Michael is a Jewish name, but it's also a gentile name. No Jews have the name "Anthony" anywhere in their name; sorry, we don't do that. And Richards is not a Jewish name. There are no Richardsbergs or Richardsteins for Jews to shorten to Richards in order to impress the gentiles.

The unbelievable part of this is that a white male goy goes on a crazy rant and suddenly its pinned to a Jew. How did we get blamed for this one? Paul Rodriguez, for some reason, has decided that Michael Richards is Jewish. You know, somewhere Hitler is smiling- a Latino falsely claims that the [white gentile] guy who screamed hate at black people is a Jew. What the fuck?! THEY did it to us again.

Here's another twist. Cosmo Kramer, the character that Michael Richards played on Seinfeld, is not even Jewish. He was based on Jerry Seinfeld's Jewish friend and was originally supposed to be Jewish, as were George and Elaine. But network executives felt the show was too Jewish and changed the identity of everyone but Jerry (source David Zurawick "The Jews of Primetime").
Damn, you didn't think I had sources and shit, did ya!

Saturday, November 25, 2006

Shaky Start

The New York Knicks beat the Wizards and the Heat in convincing fashion this year. But besides those two wins against sure-shot playoff teams, the Knicks season has been, as expected, not good. The Knicks are 5-9.

Jamal Crawford continues to be inconsistent. If he could just learn to have his unbelievable games more times than not, the Knicks would have a go-to scorer. Eddy Curry is a larger version of Crawford's inconsistency. Getting rid of both Marbury and Francis would still be addition by subtraction. The bright spots on the team are still the young players who actually give effort night in and night out (imagine that). Nate Robinson, David Lee, and Ronaldo Balkman (still should've picked Marcus Williams) should be the epitome of this team's work ethic on the floor, but instead they're the exceptions. Channing Frye has had a surprisingly bad beginning, which isn't helping anything.

I loved Isiah Thomas as a player. I supported him as Pacers coach. But he fucked up the Knicks royally. Yes, the team sucks. Yes, the players get paid more money than the accumulative total GDP of all the ex-Soviet satellite nations since the fall of communism.* But the worst part is that Isiah Thomas somehow acquired almost an entire team of unlikable players. Most have no heart and it's sucking out the energy of the players that actually do.

Again, I call for Herb Williams to be reinstituted as coach. Herb Williams has been with the Knicks forever. He actually gives a shit about the state of the franchise. He even fasted for the holy month of Ramadan in solidarity with his player Nazr Muhammad. Hey, that's not an easy fast, believe me. Promote Herb Williams to head coach. Give him time, lots of time. Give him young players who work hard. Long live Herb Williams!

Oh, and the Knicks will make the playoffs this year, mark my words (better yet, don't).

*- Totally madeup and probably not even a real statistic.

Friday, November 24, 2006

500th Post!!!

And just like a Belarusian election, it doesn't matter how you vote, President Lukoshenko is gonna win. This is the my 500th post and I've changed the world. I've taken on all comers, Ann Coulter, Thom Brennaman, the Belarusian electoral process, Hitler, the Pope, Domingo Paes, Karl Rove, Billy Packer, Al Jolson, the rabbi on Dateline that wanted to fuck little kids, short women, and Jews for Jesus (or as I call them, Christians), among many others. I am an amazing human being. To quote Malcolm X, "Hi, um, lemme have a Coke... medium... no fries today, thanks." Ok, it's not his best quote, but it's the one that applies most appropriately to this blog. Uh, I think I'm the fries he didn't want in that metaphor.

After I graduated college, like most people, I was a little down. Part of it was because there was no one to hear all of my pithy comments; pithy comments that NEEDED to be heard, or, at least, said. During the 2004 NFL season, Terrell Owens suddenly became an angel in the eyes of sports writers everywhere and Randy Moss was detested for PRETENDING to moon the Green Bay Packers' fans. I couldn't take how arbitrary and hypocritical it all was. Something needed to be done. So I decided to start a blog and write horrible or ridiculous things unrelated to Moss' fake moon. I must be a hero.

Generally, you get to read the second tier of horrible things that come to mind. I save the truly disturbing stuff for myself and internalize it. My family and friends are very proud. Here's to 500 more posts- and based on the first 500- at least 487 of which will suck (I still like that "Jews for Jesus are called Christians" line).

Incidentally, over the span of 500 posts, you offend a few people. I'd like to apologize to the following: short women, immigrants, Thom Brennaman, Malcolm X, fat people, Muslims, Ed Bradley, gay people, Jews, the fucking idiot who thought Super Bowl XL was Roman numerically represented as "Super Bowl XXXX," American Indians, Domingo Paes, Polish people, anyone who reads this blog, and of course to Jesus for saying that he didn't wipe his ass (think about it, they didn't have toilet paper back then!).

Thanks for reading and much love to everyone.

Thursday, November 23, 2006

Things Hitler Ruined

I want to wish us Americans Happy Thanksgiving and everyone else, well, a nice Thursday. And what better way to show my appreciation for living than an evaluation of the things that Hitler ruined for the rest of the world.

Because Hitler was such a bad guy, he took these things out of vogue, thus ruining them for the rest of us:
  • The name Adolph.
  • The surname Hitler.
  • His mustache style.
  • Being Austrian.
  • Living in Germany.
  • Vegetarianism.
  • Sex with a hot shiksa.
  • Being a failed art student.
  • Yelling in the German language.
  • Slightly raised straight-arm salutes.
  • The swastika.
  • Being a totalitarian dictator.
  • Killing Jews.
  • Nazis.
  • Armbands.

And last but not least, I tried to start a camp to help kids with ADD focus better. But no one wanted to send their kids to my concentration camp. Wow! I apologize for that one. I'm gonna eat some turkey and come back refreshed.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

On Second Thought

I was going to write about the delectable irony of an Iraqi comedian, who attempted to make light of the horrors inflicted on his people by the American decision to attack Iraq, killed in the very same war he was mocking. How comical! It would be even better if the Iraqi comedian, who makes fun of the war, died in a hilarious way in that war. Upon further review, it's not funny. In fact, it's sad. And anyone who has supported this war is heartless and gutless.

Instead I'm going to write about the fact that I was named one of the five sexiest short guys in the world. And I just want to say what an honor it is for those other guys to be on the same list as me.

Monday, November 20, 2006

The Prayoffs, Game 6

My neck felt a little better after 10 days of rest, but it's still sore and stiff. Laying on the couch watching football and basketball will help a neck get better. However, if Pat Robertson, by way of Jesus, truly does have the power to heal, as he claims he does, my neck would be feeling much better right now. One night last week, my neck hurt so bad, it kept me up at night. So Pat Robertson loses pivotal Game 5.

Game 6
I've got no problem with Christmas. I don't celebrate it, but I think it's great (in theory). Peace, love, charity- that all sounds great. I mean, I don't need it all up in my face, but it's a nice holiday. Some people, including Pat Robertson, would claim that there's a war on Christmas. I just don't think that's true. I'm not sure that Wal-Mart posting signs that say "Happy Holidays" for one year constitutes a war. If there was a true war on Christmas, there would be the potential of Christmas not happening. So, if Christmas doesn't come around this year, I win the prayoff series against Pat Robertson, and my lord is the one true lord. If there is Christmas this year, Pat Robertson ties the series at 3-3 and we go to a Game 7.

Game 1: Fidel Castro didn't die, Pat Robertson lost. Me 1-0.
Game 2: I am repulsive to women. I lost. Tie 1-1.
Game 3: I ran a marathon in 4 hours and 25 minutes. Pat Robertson won. Pat Robertson 2-1.
Game 4: The Democrats won both Houses of Congress. I won. Tie 2-2.
Game 5: My neck still hurts. I won. Me 3-2. 1 win away!

Sunday, November 19, 2006

How Should I Celebrate?

My 500th post is coming up soon, but I don't know how to celebrate. Since you have to read this shit, I'm opening up possibilities to you, the reader. Just like the Belarusian elections, you can vote everyday.

How should I celebrate my 500th post?
Grandiose self-congratulatory bullshit
Bitter self-deprecation
Ignore it
Explain the origins of this blog
Inappropriate Jesus jokes
Free polls from

Saturday, November 18, 2006

Rocky VI

Rocky is my favorite movie. Rocky II is my second favorite movie. Rocky III is my third favorite movie. Rocky IV is my fourth favorite movie. Rocky V was ok, but we don't speak of Rocky V in my presence.

I saw the trailer for Rocky VI. Of course, I'm going to go see the movie anyway. But what's with Rocky's opponent Mason "The Line" Dixon? The Rocky movies have always been meaningful. The first two were, well, very good. Rocky III taught us about overcoming racism and anti-Semitism. Rocky IV ended the Cold War. Rocky V, uh, I don't know, explored the toll that AIDS can take. Mason Dixon? The Civil War's been over already for a little while.

Rocky should have fought the much feared and little understood Muhammad Islam. Islam is known for his power punches that leave him open for counterattacks; a style that garnered him the nickname of (sigh) "Suicide Bomber." Rocky travels to Iran to box Muhammad "Suicide Bomber" Islam. Instead of simply counterpunching Muhammad's fearsome punches, Rocky attempts the impossible, out-punching him. There they are for 12 rounds, stubbornly wailing on each other, until Rocky's heart and determination pulls him to victory. After the fight, he announces his love and respect for Muhammad Islam and they become friends, ending the War on Terror.

Rocky takes on the muscle-bound gay fighter, Lance Julian. Pauly says that Rocky shouldn't fight Lance Julian because he might catch gay, but Rocky knows that he must fight and beat Julian if he wants to cement his name as one of the all-time greats. In the ring, Julian pounds Rocky all night long. Rocky blocks his advances and begins beating Julian off of his game. Rocky triumphantly brings Lance Julian to his knees. After the fight the two warriors hug shirtless and heterosexism ends.

Friday, November 17, 2006

Jew Hair

I haven't had a haircut since late July. I haven't shaved most parts of my beard since late September. And still, I can't seem to grow the payos (the curlies). Damn, how do those Haseeds do it? Even the little ones can grow 'em.

Instead, my sideburns look like a bunch of unkempt pubes, my beard is Osamaesk, and my head-hair is quite Jewy. Oh, it may look straight to the untrained eye, but if they come for us again and do the yarmulke test (stick a yarmulke on your head and you have to try to shake it off to prove that you're not a Jew) that shit's not falling off. The ends of my hairs have strong-grip action.

Not me.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Condemnation Station

Organizations such as AIPAC and AJC are quick to condemn suicide bombings within Israel, but they fall strangely silent when it comes to condemning the Israeli military's use of deadly force. I condemn all violence as tragic and fundamentally counterproductive to the objective of peace.

The justification of self-defense can only hold for so long. When the cycle of violence persists, self-defense can no longer be claimed. It's as if two guys are wailing on each other for about an hour and before each punch, one guy cries out, "Hey, self-defense! Self-defense!" It doesn't fly. That being said, my horns are starting to itch, so I'm gonna get some powder and Christian baby blood. The Christian baby blood has nothing to do with my itchy horns, I'm just thirsty.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Life is Miserable

I watched MTV's Sweet Sixteen Party or whatever it's called. Man, that show is soul crushing. What is wrong with the young people today?

What bothers me is these kids ordering around their elders. In my day we respected people older than us. However, the excessive materialism doesn't bother me. I buy things to cover up the profound emptiness inside me. In fact, a couple of months ago I bought at CD on sale, which has held me over since. A few months before I also bought a t-shirt in Bulgaria, which was like a band aid for my leaking heart.

But things are just not going well for me, left and right. My video game football team didn't make the playoffs after 8 consecutive years and 4 Super Bowl victories. We had a winning record, but Super Bowls are expected of us. So I'm at a crossroads. I have 8 players from the original team 9 years ago (it was a fantasy draft) and a few more who joined the team the next year. They're getting old, but I just don't have the heart to let them go. Do I trade them for younger talent or be true to my guys? We've been through a lot of tough battles. Decisions decisions. Keep in mind this is like NFL Pro 2002, so I didn't just play 9 seasons this months or something.

And things just keep getting worse. Designing Women is now part of Nick at Nite's regular rotation. I don't care for that show. It should be Cosby Show, Fresh Prince, Different World, and Welcome Back Kotter. Also, they used to have Perfect Strangers and Head of the Class at the 3am hour, that was good stuff.

Even family life has deteriorated. My mother and my brother can occasionally be slightly bothersome. My friends are intelligent and fun to hang out with or talk to, but most of them are taller than me. My self-esteem doesn't need that. Especially since, I'm getting so fat. I've blown past 120 lbs. I'm too scared to look at a scale, but I'm guessing I've ballooned up to 122lbs. And school is killing me. I mean a tough and fulfilling academic session designed to make me more knowledgeable, who needs that?

My life is a living hell.

Monday, November 13, 2006

Which is Better for America?

Today on "Which is Better for America?" we evaluate two men who left us last week. We will explore whether the resignation of Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld is better for America than the death of journalist Ed Bradley.

Donald Rumsfeld has unsuccessfully planned two wars during his stint as Secretary of Defense. Ed Bradley successfully covered one unsuccessful war as a journalist for CBS News. However, the media, of which Ed Bradley was a member, has mischaracterized Donald Rumsfeld's wars, making this country weaker.

Ed Bradley was a pioneer in journalism, becoming the first black man to work as a reporter for CBS News in 1967. Donald Rumsfeld has also been a pioneer, becoming the 13th white man to be Secretary of Defense in 1975. Rumsfeld was also the first white man to ever hold the post twice. Two is better than one.

Similar to rebellious youth, Ed Bradley wore an earring. Donald Rumsfeld attempted to prevent terrorism from striking in America again.

Now we have all of the facts in front of us. So, which one is better for America?

From the information above, it seems obvious. Of course Donald Rumsfeld resigning as Secretary of Defense is better. He led our country into two ill-planned, ill-fated wars, where thousands upon thousands of people have been killed. Maybe this country will shift away from a policy of destruction now that he's gone. Plus, Ed Bradley dying is not good at all; it's sad. C'mon this one wasn't even close, what's wrong with you people. How could you even consider Ed Bradley's death better for America? You make me sick!

Sunday, November 12, 2006

Almost But Not

The Buffalo Bills gave it a gallant effort against the mighty Indianapolis Colts. The Bills were able to slow the scary Colts attack. Terrence McGee showed a lot of heart, trying to single-handedly keep the Bills in the game. He returned a fumble for a touchdown and had another long kick return. But the Bills offense couldn't punch the ball into the endzone. Down 17-16 in the 4th quarter, Ryan Lindell, a very consistent kicker, missed a 41-yard field goal. Peyton Manning and the Colts methodically ran out the clock.

Unfortunately, moral victories don't help a team in the standings. It doesn't matter if the Lions blow you out or you lose to the Colts in Indianapolis by 1, a loss is a loss.

Saturday, November 11, 2006

The Buffalo Bills Midterm Report

The Bills are a confusing 3-5. Confusing, because there are ways to make things look promising (3 of Buffalo's losses include the Bears and 2 to the Patriots) and there are ways to make the future look bleak (losing to Detroit and the quarterback position).

Willis McGahee has been wracking up a whole lot of yards, but can't seem to find the endzone. Now, he's out for 2-4 weeks. J.P. Losman has shown flashes of being a quarterback worthy of a first round pick, but he has also been reminiscent of the man who threw the worst pass in NFL history (against the Patriots his rookie year).

Hope and faith are powerful forces (powerful enough for Pat Robertson to cure my sore neck, we'll have to see). We Buffalo Bills fans know that well, rooting for the most stunning comeback in NFL history during the playoffs in January of 1993. It's not easy to find a playoff team right now in Buffalo, but that doesn't mean we won't see the Bills in the playoffs this winter.

But the Bills have to beat the Colts this Sunday. Sure, the undefeated Colts, that's all. In Indianapolis no less. But a win their may very well be just what the Bills needed to become consistent and make a playoff run. With a loss, well, we're not going to think about that.

Friday, November 10, 2006

More Than A Nominal Change

Now that the Democrats have won both houses of Congress, they need to make real change.

Domestically, increasing the minimum wage is very important. It's something that is easily doable, a political win for 2008, and most importantly will help a lot of people. Immigration reform is also doable and important. I want to see opportunities for citizenship for so-called illegal immigrants. Granting health insurance to a sizable portion of the uninsured population is another doable and important political objective for this Democratic Congress. Compromise is acceptable in these issues as long as the overall purpose is retained.

The Democrats shouldn't compromise when it comes to foreign policy. America needs an image overhaul, which will certainly improve national security without spending billions of dollars on wars. The troops stationed in Iraq need to come home. The fact is that there is no justification for the loss of another single American life. There is also no justification for the loss of another Iraqi life leaving blood on American hands. One thing I've been pondering lately is: how much of this violence is due because of the American troop presence in Iraq.

The Iraq war has created more American enemies than before it started. We need a dramatic shift in our policy. I like the idea of dialogue with those that would do us harm. Bilateral talks with North Korea is important. The same with Iran. Refusing bilateral talks is just another aspect of needless American arrogance. It shouldn't be our goal to control the world, but to make it a better and safer place.

Alright, I'm done with the election and politics for a little while. Feels good.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

The Prayoffs, Game 5

MuHahahahaha! Well well well Pat Robertson, Jesus didn't help you in Game 4, did he? No he didn't! All that's left is to determine how convincing my victory was. With the Democrats winning the House and at the worst tying the Senate (although it is almost a certainty that they will win that one too) I am victorious. Even were the unthinkable to happen and the Republicans miraculously hold on in Virginia and Montana, I won the tie-breaker as well. Life is sweet for me Pat Robertson. The best of 7 series is tied 2-2.

Game 5
On your show Pat Robertson, you claim to heal people through the power of prayer (to Jesus). Well, my neck has been sore for several weeks now. I will relent and pray to Jesus while you heal me. You have 10 days. If my neck is not totally better after 10 days of prayer to Jesus from the both of us, I win take a 3-2 series lead. If it is healed, Pat Robertson wins the pivotal Game 5.

Game 1: Pat Robertson's prayers fro Fidel Castro's death failed. I won.

Game 2: My prayers to avoid romantic embarrassment didn't work. Pat won.

Game 3: Pat Robertson prayed that it would take me over 4 hours to run the Baltimore Marathon. It did.

Game 4: I prayed for a Democratic election victory and it came to fruition.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Post Election News

The Democrats won back the House of Representatives. The Democrats have won in convincing fashion, with 33 more members than the Republicans in the House. The senate comes down to the Virginia race, Jim "I hate women" Webb vs George "Macaca" Allen. The Democrats have 50 senators planning to caucus with them, while the Republicans have 49 (Vice President Dick Cheney would break any ties were Allen to win and make it a 50-50 senate).

As of right now, Jim Webb is leading, but there could very well be a recount. A recount couldn't start until the election was certified, which can't happen for at least 10 days. In Maryland, Ben Cardin won the senate seat and Martin O'Malley is the next governor. Gerard Giblin got his 1%.

Coverage of the Coverage
After Hillary Clinton won her election, she came up on stage to speak. NBC's Chris Matthews began berate her body language, at one point describing her clapping as "Chinese." What is this, the 1860s? Since when does someone use "Chinese" as an insult? You really jewed that one up Chris.

Matthews went back and forth between thoughtful reporting of female and black candidates and demeaning commentary. Evidently George Allen should've stayed home with his pretty wife and Ann Northup is too nice to have lost, among many other comments. But otherwise, I actually liked his coverage with Keith Olberman.

My son's missing, maybe Mark Foley raped him
One CNN anchor claimed that a woman from Minnesota used her missing 11-year old son against the Mark Foley scandal while running for office. I don't know what it means either, but I hope it was a mischaracterization of her campaign, because otherwise that's fucked up.

So Long but not Goodbye
Harold Ford lost the election to become a senator from Tennessee. In defeat, he gave a very moving speech, at times coming to the brink of tears. It reminded me of Al Gore's concession speech, although not with the same stakes on the line. Most people believe that Harold Ford will be back, I'll go further. I was saying in 2000 to anyone who would listen to me, and I'll repeat it here: Harold Ford will be President of the United States someday (barring scandal).

Obama in '08?
I constantly go back and forth over whether or not Barack Hussein Obama can win the presidency in 2008. The question is more than simply: is America too racist to vote for a black candidate? Obama is the son of an immigrant. And his name rhymes with Iraq Hussein Osama! I mean, that's not good. The question of race is also more specific. It's based on what a few people would do in a small number of states who would otherwise vote Democrat.

But Obama seems invincible. He answers every question with such ease, as opposed to Hillary Clinton or Harry Reid who both stumble over even the easiest questions. I contend that Obama could kill 3 people, eat parts of them, and still find a way to get out of it and make you like him more.

Good Day for the Jews
The Jews had a good election day. Ben Cardin won his senate election in Maryland. Maryland, the only state (maybe New York) that could have a black guy running against a Jew for SENATE, not just Register of Wills or some shit. And as expected, black people voted for the Jew and the black guy recieved votes almost exculsively from white gentiles, of course. Maybe now you see how important the issue of Iraq is here. Those things pale in comparison.

Bernie Sanders, a New York Jew Socialist, won a senate seat from Vermont. That's Vermont, where being a Socialist is the least of those concerns.

George Allen appears headed towards a loss. Whew. Now that the election is over I can say that he's not Jewish at all. When someone is asking you about your Jewish roots and you tell them to "stop making aspersions," you are not Jewish, you are an anti-Semite.

Keith Ellison become the first Muslim ever elected to Congress. Deval Patrick became the second black person to be elected governor. Nancy Pelosi will be the first woman to be Speaker of the House. This is progress? It better represents how far American has to go in breaking down the system of patriarchal white (predominantly Christian) supremacy.

Bye Bye Rummie
George Bush was defensive and a bit shaken while answering questions today during his press conference. He acknowledged the Donald Rumsfeld resigned from his post as Secretary of Defense.

Recap of the Recap
All in all, so far, this is fucking awesome.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Keep In Mind When Voting Today

Human catastrophe

  • The tragedy that is the Iraq war.
  • The government's response to Hurricane Katrina

Sad, but a little funny

  • Mark Foley scandal
  • Anti-gay Evangelist leader Ted Haggard has sex with gay prostitute and does meth (seriously).

Criminals (not that Foley or Haggard aren't)

  • Duke Cunningham
  • Tom DeLay
  • Bob Ney
  • Jack Abramoff


  • George Allen - Macaca
  • George Allen - N-word in college
  • George Allen - Confederate flag in law office
  • George Allen - Hangman's noose from a lynching in law office
  • Bob Corker ad - Implying that Harold Ford would "prey" on white women
  • That Republican who said black people can't swim

Monday, November 06, 2006

One Day More

I've already mentioned that I'm voting for Ben Cardin for senate (the Iraq isue is too important) and Gerard P. Giblin for the House in MD District 8 (to send a message to the Democratic Party, we want our troops home). I'm also voting for Martin O'Malley for governor.

Republican Governor Robert Ehrlich keeps touting his record on education over the past 4 years. I just don't see what he has to tout. The state used to help private colleges with funds. I went to Goucher College, a private school north of Baltimore, which had to get rid of all of its scholarships since Ehrlich took office. It has totally changed the culture of the school. It used to be a place with ambitious liberal arts students. In the last couple of years there was a cocaine problem, because the students have more money then they know what to do with, but nowhere near the academic drive.

I've also been a substitute teacher, teaching in those portables separated from the school. Montgomery County is supposed to be the wealthiest county in Maryland, but the public school system is littered with portables. In some cases, the same portables that I went to school in.

Ehrlich accuses O'Malley of being soft on crime, but I thought the Governor has some culpability in the safety of his state. Parts of Prince George's County, near the Montgomery County border, has continually become more dangerous, because of gentrification in SE DC. What has Ehrlich done about that? Nothing. Martin O'Malley has a better plan for each issue, more than ignoring the problem and claiming victory.

(Remember, if the Democrats win both Houses or win 1 and tie the other, I beat Pat Robertson in Game 4 of the prayoffs. Pat Robertson wins if the outcome is the opposite. If it's 1-1, the tiebreaker is the Maryland governor's race.)

Sunday, November 05, 2006

Down and Dirty

The elections are heating to a boil. The campaign ads are getting nastier than I've ever seen before. In one ad, the Republican candidate for senate in Virginia, George Allen, accuses his Democratic opponent, Jim Webb, of objectifying women in his novels. It would be devastating if it wasn't so hypocritical. George Allen has literally objectified women. He killed and stuffed one woman, eventually using her as a table. Another woman's skin serves as a lamp shade in his law office, much in the fashion of the Nazi wife of the Nazi Commander of Buchenwald, Ilse Koch. Allen uses another stuffed woman as a welcome mat.

Now, that's fucked up. Even you macaca-haters in southwest Virginia have to admit that. I mean, for crying out loud, George Allen recently fashioned a stuffed dead woman into a menorah after finding out about his Jewish roots. That's not usual for Jews, but he's still learning.

In Maryland, while you're voting, please remember that Michael Steele is pro-life on abortion (or anti-choice if you prefer), pro-war in Iraq (or anti-peace in Iraq if you prefer. When you say that you would still attack Iraq even now, that's what you're saying Mr. Steele, it's a fair characterization.), and anti-helping cure his sister's disease (or pro-not helping cure his sister's disease if you prefer).

Don't be fooled, Steele is against embryonic stem cell research, but he's not exactly sure why. He believes doing the research is murder, but it's ok for fertility clinics to dispose of the same embryos. Listen, I respect a person's pro-life position, but be consistent. It can't be murder only when it's political convenient for you Michael Steele. I'm voting for Ben Cardin.

Saturday, November 04, 2006

The Taliban and Slim Jims

In the winter of 2001, during the heightened portion of the war in Afghanistan, experts predicted that the Taliban would disband, regroup, and come back and fight in a few years. Bush ignored this advice and ended the military campaign within two months of its start.

Now the Taliban are returning. In addition to powerful anti-American warlords (or provincial governors- if you're not racist) and al Qaeda members (remember them?) , the return of the Taliban has made Afghanistan far more dangerous than Iraq, according to American soldiers interviewed on CNN. Don't forget about the disaster that has been our presence in Afghanistan when you're voting this Tuesday or any other day for that matter.

Slim Jim has inexplicably introduced a new military camouflage design for its package. Slim Jim, owned by ConAgra Foods Inc., has not offered any percentage of its profits to help the families of military personnel. They have pledged to hunt the fictional "snapalope" but I just don't think that's the same thing. So, basically, this is exploitation of military symbols. Shameless. ConAgra Foods is a major contributor to the Republican party (well, that could be true I suppose).

Friday, November 03, 2006

Endorsements Of Course

I know you've been holding off on deciding who you're going to vote for until I tell you spazz. Well here are a couple of endorsements.

For Maryland's representative in congressional district 8, I support the Green Party candidate, Gerard P. Giblin. That endorsement should be what finally puts him over the 1% mark. Van Hollen's a good congressman and he'll win easily, but his Iraq policy is a little wishy-washy. He's against the war, but doesn't use the vote to fund it to gain leverage to bring the troops home. Giblin supports a multilateral, responsible, and rapid withdrawal from Iraq.

I also Ike Leggett for Montgomery County Executive. He favors slowing growth. I'm not supporting Robin Ficker for many reasons, one being that he used to scream at the opponents' bench at Bullets games. Listen, I yell a whole helluva lot at basketball games, but I cans till run for political office because I've never become famous for being an asshole and I'm not a middle aged man, so my yelling amounts to "youth indiscretions."

For state senator from district 15, I support Rob Garagiola because of his opponent Bill Askinazi's slogan "Gotta question? Ask-i-nazi!" That doesn't sit well with me.

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Message From Grandpa 5

When I was 13 years old, I chastised Grandpa over the phone for being a Republican. It must have been a common occurrence because he answered in an uncharacteristically defensive tone.

Grandpa: I was a Democrat for 66 years; I've been a Republican, 2 years. Whadda ya tawkin about?

Don't worry friends, Grandpa's dead now. So you know he's voting Republican this election in Karl Rove's America!

Grandpa- got another friend for you. Red Auerbach Rest in Peace.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Election 2006 News

As part of the HarazQuack Times continuing election coverage, we have breaking news...

In Tennessee, Congressman Harold Ford saved a bunch of children from a burning school bus today. Meanwhile, former Chattanooga mayor Bob Corker claimed that he could beat Jesus in basketball because Jesus is "a girlie man." Jesus could not be reached for comment.

Virginia incumbent senator George Allen hates Indians (both kinds), blacks, Jews (even though his mother is Jewish. Keep in mind Jews do not believe that Jesus is the Lord and do not believe in good Christian family values), soccer moms, NASCAR dads, and people with 20-30 vision or worse. Jim Webb only hates one group- women.

Conrad Burns from Montana once killed a man named Trevor Burbeck, not to be confused with former heavyweight champion Trevor Burbick, who was shot and killed in Jamaica recently. His opponent Jon Tester loves America. When asked what Tester loves most about America, he said, "The people, especially people from Montana [of voting age]."

Senator from Rhode Island, Lincoln Chafee's name sounds way worse than that of his opponent Sheldon Whitehouse.

Missouri incumbent Jim Talent bet on the Mets to beat the Cards in the NLCS. He also has wondered why "a shitty town like St. Louis deserved a football team over Los Angeles?" His challenger, Claire McCaskill has never killed someone who didn't deserve it, I'm guessing.

Rick Santorum, the incumbent senator from Pennsylvania, hates all things gay, but he once had a "gay experiment"- it's called his life. He especially enjoys watching half-naked men wrestle each other for his political ads. Bob Casey supports a strong America.

While incumbent senator Bob Menendez once hid a dead hooker in the trunk of his car, keep in mind that it was Tom Keane's fist that delivered the fatal blow.

Ohio's Mike DeWine downloaded AIM for Mark Foley. DeWine suggested the screen name MAF54 for Foley. He also told him to "hookup with some pages." Sherrod Brown enjoys baseball and apple pie.