Wednesday, December 31, 2008

2008 Year in Review

Here are the top whatever number there is below random posts of 2008. They were selected not because of their quality, but because of their randomness.

I was happy that Bobby Fischer is Dead.
You can never start too early. The campaign for the 2014 Alabama governorship kicked off this year with an Attack Ad Against Charles Barkley and his rebuttle.
Remember when John B. Kimble ran for Congress. He lost.
If I was president of a country, these are the ways in which I would show my eccentricity.
Here is my Ode to Tim McVeigh.
Let's relive my devastating split with Ukrainian Prime Minister Yulia Tymoshenko.
I came up with new punishments for criminals. Did listening to a 50 Shekel song or being Detained make the list?
Here are 7 1/2 Reasons why your man voted for John McCain.
Election fever made me think about George McClellan and the 1864 Campaign.
Pastor Head Taggard was Preaching From the Closet in a sense.

That is all for this year. May tomorrow and every day thereafter be filled with love and Slurpees for you and for me.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

2008: The Year In Me

This year has been filled with so many memorable moments. I will always remember 2008 as one of the best and one of the worst years of my life. Let's take a trip down memory lane and relive some of the moments that made this year so remarkable.

Early in the year, I watched the progression of the presidential primaries on tv. I also followed the happenings via the internet. Later in the year, I would follow the general election. Good times.

I watched numerous sporting events on television. I read books. Some of them were worth reading. Some were not.

I saw Patch Adams sitting next to a Cinnabon at the airport. The bank charged me a $5 fee that I felt was unfair and I went to the bank and eventually got my $5 back. I had jury duty. I shaved my beard. Let's see, what else? Yesterday, I went to one Subway, but there was a sign saying it had closed at 7:30 and apologized for the inconvenience, so I went to another Subway. Today, when I woke up, I went to the bathroom and peed in the toilet.

What a year, filled with splendid occasions and horrific heartbreak. 2008 will never be forgotten. Actually, it reminds me a lot of 1993.

Monday, December 29, 2008

Close Guantanamo Prison

The U.S. has stationed military personnel in Guantanamo, Cuba for about a century. In recent years, the U.S. has used part of the land it leased from Cuba to hold detainees suspected of links to terrorism. The prison should be closed and U.S. military personnel should leave the island of Cuba.

The United States Supreme Court decided that inmates in Guantanamo Bay prison should be awarded a trial. This decision came after some detainees had been held in the prison for years without so much as being charged with any crime, not even jaywalking. There's an old saying on the streets of Kabul: Don't jaywalk, you might end up in Guantanamo Bay prison! While detaining prisoners for an indeterminate amount of time is certainly unconstitutional, the more pressing issue is its inhumanity. Detainees face harsh conditions and are forced to endure humiliating acts. Remember, these people have not been convicted of anything, not even copying their friend's math homework in fourth grade.

The presence of the prison is one of the most egregious acts committed by the United States in the eyes of the Muslim world during its war on terror. It should be considered the same in the annals of our nation's history. It goes against every ideal we hold as a nation. If these people are guilty, they should be punished, but they should first be tried. If they are innocent, we must feel an immeasurable amount of shame in our horrific hypocrisy.

While the existence of the prison fans the flames of anti-Americanism in the world, the presence of U.S. military on the shores of Cuba serves to keep tensions high between the two neighboring nations. U.S - Cuba relations have been strained since Castro's rise to power in 1959. With the end of the Cold War, there is no justification to keep tensions at this level. This month, Russia has moved military equipment to Cuba in an effort to intimidate the U.S. Russia was able to do so because the United States never worked to reconcile the divisions that defined the Cold War era with regards to Cuba. Whether in terms of geo-political strategy or a humanitarian concern for the people of Cuba, it makes sense to engage with the regime in a constructive manner, as opposed to push the leadership towards America's enemies and the Cuban people further into isolation. (International Affairs Edition)

Sunday, December 28, 2008

The 2008 Bills

The Buffalo Bills finished 7-9, which is disappointing considering their 4-0 and 5-1 starts. But 7-9 is not a terrible record considering the expectations at the beginning of the season. There were certainly a few heartbreaking finishes, which indicates the Bills are not that from being a pretty good team.

The Bills slumped badly towards the end of the season. Much of that was due to a Trent Edwards' injury. The offense sputtered when he wasn't on the field and struggled when was playing at less than 100%. Edwards' troubles hurt the running game immensely. The Bills defense tended to ebb and flow in the footsteps of their offensive teammates. The special teams unit was solid throughout the year.

Head Coach Dick Jauron deserves to be back next season. I must admit, before Losman fumbled away the Jets game, I was screaming for the Bills to pass. The play call was not at fault. Losman should have recognized the pressure and held onto the ball. Jauron is a guy who evokes confidence in himself. You know you won't go back to the days of 3-13 with him at the helm. This season, the Bills had more talent than they did in the past several, but a little bit of patience will probably do the trick. I believe Dick Jauron should be the head coach of the Buffalo Bills next season.

Saturday, December 27, 2008

The Beard Diaries, Entry #3

I wrote on a piece of paper "shaved" and put it by my bed so I wouldn't get scared when I look at myself in the mirror when I wake up.

I'm starting to get used to my face. Maybe I'm not so ugly. The hair is growing back furiously though. I can actually feel the hair on my chin sprouting. I have a dusting in the shape of a beard on my face except my chin is more of an African desert. But I did walk into a 7-11 with chocolate smeared on the side of my mouth, which wouldn't have happened if I had the beard. I didn't realize about the chocolate until I got home.

One thing I was worried about when I shaved was whether or not I would look gentiley. If I did, I don't think I do anymore. But that brings me to one of my favorite situations. I love when black people trip up when wishing happy holidays to Jews, "Merry Christma- I mean, Happy Hanukah. Oh my god, I'm so sorry. I should've known better. Seriously, I'm really sorry."

In my experience, black people are distraught after making such a mistake, probably because they've so often been on the other side of that kind of culturally sensitive awkwardness. They know how it feels. But in an attempt to apologize, the reaction goes way overboard. So I usually answer back, "Don't worry about it. Let's get something to eat. How 'bout chicken?"
Which leads to, "What did you just say?"
To which I reply, "We're even. Now let's just move on."

Friday, December 26, 2008

The Beard Diaries, Entry #2

Upon further review, I actually look like a 14-year old Russian gangster. "Give me your lunch money or I'll vladistovok your ass!"

Shaving my beard is a lot like the Holocaust: Never again. When not watching basketball, I've spent much of the day staring at old pictures of myself with a beard. My new appearance is giving me a new appreciation for just how attractive I was...

In a little over a day since the massacre of my precious beard, my face has become littered with stubble. Richard Nixon left us with two legacies: a reduction in the allowance of executive authority following the Watergate scandal and my five o'clock shadow.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

The Beard Diaries

How do you say goodbye to a friend you've been with every day for the past 6 years? It's difficult, even if it is only for a couple of weeks.

I now realize that I haven't just been a guy with a beard; I am a beard guy.

It was a decision that I instantly regretted. Apparently, underneath my well-placed facial hair is a guy who looks like a redneck. A retarded redneck. And not a very attractive retarded redneck at that. I could've sworn I used to have a top lip. Where did it go? It seems to have slowly receded into my mouth undetected over the years using my mustache as cover. It doesn't help that I look like I'm 10 years old either...

After staring into the mirror for a while, I feel a little better. Maybe I'm not so ugly after all. Maybe it's just something I have to get used to. Still, why is the patch of skin between my chin and my neck so droopy? That's really the problem right now. I hope that goes away.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Channukkah Decorations

Walking down the block, I saw a one-foot tall lit dreidel outside someone's house. For a second, I felt good, "Yeah! Give those gentiles a taste of their own medicine!"

But very quickly it sank in. These people sold out. And didn't do a very good job at it either.

Christmas always brings out tons of hypocritical, ostentatious, and downright tacky decorations. Baltimore is worse than most. I hope. When we're alone, we Jews say things about you and your facacta decorations that your wouldn't believe. Oh sure, we smile to your face and wish you a Merry Christmas, but don't doubt for a second that we talk shit about you and your stupid made up holiday when you're not there. We'd say it to your face, but you're the ones with control of the military.

So, for this Jewish family to take part in this disgraceful display of decorations, however small, fills me with almost as much shame as a Bernie Madoff crime. It's made worse by the fact that Channukkah is a sell out holiday. Its prominence is based solely on soft parents who felt bad that they're Jewish kids weren't getting presents during Christmas. Well guess what, too bad. The Jewish kids should just learn to deal with it. It's good practice for when they get older.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Celebrating Festivus

In the spirit of Festivus, it's time for the Airing of Grievences.

First up is my mother. She is a miserable driver. She has borderline Turrets Syndrome when it comes to giving me inane compliments. She treats me like I'm 4 years old. I'm a grown ass man! Listen ma, I don't need you to change me. Do you know how embarrassing it is to shit your pants when you're a grown ass man? I don't need my mommy changing me on top of that.

Next, and last, is my brother. Last week, he gave me a text at 9:13am with the words, "I just saw Andrew Sullivan." I asked him why he texted me that at 9:13am when he knows I don't wake up until at least noon and we were going to talk on the phone that night for our football pool. He said it was text-worthy, but not worth sitting on until that night, and that I was the only person he knows who would have been familiar with the bearded British conservative blogger who voted for Obama. I told him that Andrew Sullivan would be embarrassed if he ever heard this story. He knows he's not worth waking me up over. My brother disagreed; he said Andrew Sullivan was big time. I asked my brother, "Then how come I'm the only person you know who has ever heard of him?" At which point he told me to go fuck myself.

Also, my brother has a Jew face that's more stereotypical than Bernie Madoff's greed. Neo-nazi cartoonists have looked at his face and thought it was too offensive to depict as an "average Jew."

Family. It's all we got.

Monday, December 22, 2008

U.S. Troops in South Korea

Since the Korean War, fought from 1950-1953, the U.S. has had troops stationed in South Korea. Those troops should be brought home immediately.

As of now, the U.S. has 28,500 troops stationed in South Korea. That is down from 37,000 in 2000, but it is still entirely too many. The justifications to leave the troops there include the fact that the war between North and South Korea is technically not over. In addition, North Korea had been deemed a state sponsor of terror before it was removed from the list earlier this year. The main concern was North Korea's possession of nuclear weapons.

The U.S. troops serve no real purpose in South Korea except to increase the tension between the two hostile nations. There has been an armistice in place since the end of the war in 1953. While the war is technically not over, in reality, though it is a tense situation, the fighting ceased over 50 years ago. There is no real threat of North Korea invading its southern rival, largely because South Korea's military prowess is greater than that of the extremely poor North. Despite the North having nuclear weapons, there is no real threat of their use. They are simply utilized as a tool by North Korea's leader, Kim Jong-Il, in order to extract aid from wealthy nations.

The continued presence of U.S. troops in South Korea is a humiliating reality to the sovereign nation. South Korea is a so-called developed nation, only furthering the shame. In 2002, two thirteen year old South Korean girls were run over by an American tank. This year, South Koreans flocked the streets in protest of a trade deal regarding U.S. beef made by President Lee Myung-Bak. The citizens felt the deal was unfair in favor of the United States. These are examples of incidents that reinforce South Korea's submissive status in its relationship with the U.S., which is epitomized by the presence of U.S. troops on South Korean soil.

The troops must come home in order to restore the United States' relationship with South Korea and to take an essential step towards lessening the tension in the region. (International Affairs Edition)

Sunday, December 21, 2008

A Couple of Naughty Ones

Illinois Governor Rob Blagojevich is now having trouble selling the senate seat once owned by Barack Obama. I feel his pain. I've been having trouble selling my copy of Mind of Mencia on DVD. Just kidding, I'd never own that drek in the first place.

After hearing Governor Blagojevich's telephone conversations involving his potential dealings, I would like to offer him a word of advice. Actually, this piece of advice is for comedian Lewis Black as well. You don't have to say the word "fucking" in every sentence. Sometimes less is more.

That reminds me of a guy I (briefly) went to college with. He was a habitual fucking-sayer, but he'd always drop it in the wrong spot, much like an American smart bomb on an Afghan hospital. For example, "I just went on fucking a vacation. I went to Dayton-fucking-a Beach. Fucking, I got really drunk. On my way fucking back, I stopped at my grandma's fucking house. I really like seeing her fucking."

One person with enough fucking money to buy a senate seat is that filthy kike, Bernie Madoff. That Hitler-shtuper stole money from numerous Jewish organizations and charities. He's worse than Bobby Fischer, but not quite as bad as Shabbatai Zvi- I don't want to get carried away here. If I ever see him, I would stick a dreidel so far up his penis hole, it'd shred into the shape of a Gimmel.

Speaking of the holidays, my favorite holiday movie is The Grinch Who Stole Christmas (the cartoon one). Up until the end. I don't like when he gives back the presents and they're all singing. That's so unrealistic. It'd never happen that way. You know, in real life, the people of that town would kill each other in the rush to get back to WalMart.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

My Sex Scandal

I have recently been caught in a sex scandal. It has been reported (here) that I have engaged in pre-marital masturbation while fantasizing about a woman who is not my wife. Though I was wearing protection, I would like to take this time to apologize for my actions.

Despite my apologies (which can be found here), the fall out has been swift and complete.

Senator David Vitter regarded my actions as, "Those unbecoming of a civilized human being. This sexual exploit is so devious that it will leave a permanent stain on his reputation."

Senator Larry Craig thought my morals were lacking. "Never in my life have I heard of such a despicable act. This is beyond reproach. He should lose his job over this for the sake of the nation."

Former Congressman Mark Foley describes his emotions over my scandal as such, "Rarely does a person commit such a horrible crime against basic human decency that I am moved into a state of shock. This goes even beyond that sentiment. I have no words for how atrocious I find his character to be."

Former Senator Gary Hart asked the question, "Who masturbates with a condom on?"

Former President Bill Clinton remarked, "You call this a scandal? Jerking off is a scandal? Go get tag teamed by a couple of leggy chicks with dicks and then give me a call, " adding, "Seriously, if that ever happens, gimme a call. I'm gonna wanna be there!"

I accept full responsibility for my actions. I only ask for mercy from my adoring fans. If I have upset you with my masturbatory escapades, charge it to my head and not to my heart. My head, so limited in its finitude; my heart, which is boundless in its love for the human family. I am not a perfect servant. I am a public servant doing my best against the odds. As I develop and serve, be patient: G-d is not finished with me yet.

Friday, December 19, 2008

Preaching from the Closet

My name is Head Taggard. I am a fanatical pro-gay preacher at the Gay Life Church in Colorado Springs, Colorado. My partner, Mike, and I are deeply committed to securing equal rights for homosexuals. We believe fully that gay people have every right to marry the love of their life. A person should never be fired due to their sexual orientation and that right should be legally protected. Violence against a homosexual individual simply because the person is a homosexual is a hate crime. Gay couples have every right to adopt and raise children. In short, my partner and I spend every waking hour fighting for political, legal, economic, and social equality for all people, regardless of the sex of their lovers.

But I have a dark secret. I am actually straight. Despite my status as a preacher and my commitment to gay rights, I have been having an affair with a woman named Gayle for many years. Occasionally we do meth, but that's another story. There are many moments when I wish I could just be myself. I dream of white picket fences. I dream of lazy Sundays where I spend the whole day in the garage fixing things that don't need fixing just to avoid any interaction with my wife. I dream of a world where I'm cold and distant to my children because I'm not in touch with my emotions and don't know how to express my feelings.

But alas, those dreams will never become reality. I must choose between my life's work and my true self. That is the life of a closeted straight pro-gay preacher.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

What Women Want

Some women say they like when a guy's funny or intelligent. Don't buy it. Women are members of this society too and they've been shaped just as we men have been. The way they've been shaped is different, but that society controls what they want in a partner is the same.

I'm funny, intelligent, hell, I'm even attractive. I'm a nice guy, but I can be the bad boy (when basketball's involved). I'm good with children. I'm nice to my family. I'm athletic. None of that matters.

Women want two things. And this is every woman. They want you to be taller than they are and they want you to have more money than they do.

I better find me a midget hobo woman or I'm gonna die alone.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

No Money = Less Sadness

It can be a cold and lonely world. I have no money, few friends, and limited prospects for things to improve. But, to quote Johnny Mathis, chances are, I'm doing better than you. That doesn't provide me with much solace, only the realization that things could be worse.

As it turns out, Jesus was right; it's better to be poor. Because I have no money, I didn't invest any of it with Bernie Madoff (incidentally, great job reinforcing the stereotype of the greedy money-stealing Jew, you stupid kike). I didn't invest my nonexistent money in the floundering stock market because 4 Hot Pockets- my most cherished possessions- will only get you several shares of Lehman Brothers and I'd rather have the Hot Pockets. Interestingly enough, no American bank will let me deposit my Hot Pockets and it's probably for the better as it appears all of them are crumbling under the weight of irresponsible loans. I'm glad I didn't ask for that loan of a Steak'umm sandwich that I was considering.

It's nice to have few friends because it means that there are fewer people earning my trust only to potentially take me for all I'm worth. Most people befriend someone only because of what the other person can do for them. You never really know what people are about, so it's better to just ignore all of them. Another good way to avoid betrayal is to have no money and limited prospects. Then you can really suspect that your friends truly like you for who you are, even if that it is just a short bitter hairy Jew with no money, few friends, and limited prospects for things to improve.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Come Home from the Mountains

Regardless of one's stance on Iraq, everyone seems to agree that the U.S. needs more troops in Afghanistan. Even the shoe-throwing Iraqi reporter thinks an Iraq-like surge of troops would be prudent... not least because it would get the troops the hell out of his country. Much like the rest of my life, in this I walk alone.

The U.S. should pull all of its soldiers out of Afghanistan immediately. There is no achievable goal and thus, no logical reason to keep U.S. forces in Afghanistan. The region has not been conquered by any outside forces for thousands of years. More importantly, it will not be conquered in the near future.

As the U.S. stays in Afghanistan, the Taliban continues to be relevant. This is a group that feeds on warfare. They grew during the civil war of the 1990s, but once they controlled most of the country by the turn of the millennium, they kept fighting. The Taliban proved ineffective at governing the country and needed to continue the war in order to maintain its power. When they first came onto the scene in the mid-1990s, Afghans, particularly Pashtuns, backed the Taliban because they were seen as the best hope to bring about peace. The country soon learned that the Taliban desired anything but peace and many turned their backs on the collective. Warfare sustains the Taliban.

Afghanistan has been overwrought with warlords over the last couple of decades. During the initial invasion the U.S. allied itself with the warlords, particularly those belonging to the loose alliance known as the Northern Alliance. This strategy proved disastrous for the people of Afghanistan because it empowered the warlords, who had made their livings off of plundering and purging the populace. Much as is the case with the Taliban, war behooves the warlords because it keeps them important and powerful.

While the removal of U.S. troops from Afghanistan will not create an immediate peace within the country, it is the first step. The U.S. forces have no realistic broad aims that can be accomplished. The country will not fall in line behind President Hamid Karzai simply because the American military attempts to make it happen. Enemies of the U.S. are now often seen as protagonists. If U.S. troops are taken out of Afghanistan, the Taliban loses credibility and U.S. soldiers would no longer needlessly be in harm’s way. Many Afghans would not support the Taliban or al Qaeda but for the two organizations’ anti-Americanism. If there is no American military within Afghanistan to despise, the tide may very well turn against the Taliban and any al Qaeda members left within the Afghan borders. (International Affairs Edition)

Monday, December 15, 2008

The Buffalo Blues

The Bills lost another heartbreaker yesterday. At 6-8, they are officially eliminated from the playoffs. This season started with so much promise. The Bills were 4-0 and 5-1. Since, they've gone 1-7. They can't seem to run the ball, throw it with any efficiency, or make a big defensive stop. It's frustrating. Despite everything, Head Coach Dick Jauron has done a good job.

My fantasy football team, the Buffalo Russerts, began the year with a similar amount of success. Despite losing my first round pick, Tom Brady, in the first game, the Russerts managed to make the playoffs. But yesterday, my club lost to my younger brother in the semifinals. He's better looking, taller, smarter, makes more money and is more likeable. And now he has fantasy football as well. Life can be unfair.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Throw Your Shoes into the Bush

Today, while George W. Bush was giving his farewell press conference in Baghdad, an Iraqi journalist stood up and threw his shoes at the American president. It's a shot at one's pride to have shoes thrown at you, but Bush is lucky. My brother used to throw his shoes at me and when he ran out, he'd throw my own shoes at me. Getting your own shoes thrown at you is far more humiliating.

As you can see in this clip, Iraqi Prime Minister Maliki waves at the second shoe in an effort to "defend" the president. It was one of those, "Well, he's my guest and the guy who pays the bills, so I'll make an effort, but he's a real prick and I wish I could throw my shoes at him, so I won't try too hard."

After a few seconds of wishing they had thrown some shoes at this asshole, the Iraqi security forces begrudgingly went after the thrower. No one got hurt, the point was made- Bush ruined their country, he should be humiliated- and it was all in good fun. Hopefully, this will start a trend of various clothing items hurled at the outgoing Commander in Chief. One positive thing that must be said about Bush; the way he dodged that first shoe, he has the quickness of a cat.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Violence is Wrong

I have a major contradiction in my life. I am opposed to violence of any kind. Whether it is a nation engaged in warfare, two individuals fighting with one another, even in cases of self-defense, I believe that it is always wrong to use violence against another human being. However, that philosophy does not compute with my every day persona. I would say that about 87% of people that I come across on any given day, I want to punch right in the face. Hard. Multiple times. And throw a couple bows to their midsection while I'm at it. Once they're on the ground, I'd love to hock a long droopy loogie right in their face. Then I'd pull my pants down and take a shit right by their head. They're thinking, "Whew, at least he didn't shit on me." Then I'd wipe my ass down the middle of their face. Good times.

So you can see there's a bit of a dilemma there. I think I get frustrated with people in general and that makes me angry at them. People are often very selfish. That leads to dishonesty. There is a lack of empathy for one another. Most people out there are primarily concerned with superficial things and ideas. Few people take the time listen to others. All of that pisses me off. What a wonderful world this could be...

But for now, I just want to use people's faces as toilet paper.

Friday, December 12, 2008

Rejection is In

Ever been shot down by a girl you liked or turned down for your dream job? Good news. Rejection is now in!

For many years rejection and losers spent so much time together it was like they were married. Ironically, rejected losers were very rarely married. But now the tide has turned. Everything has changed. Only winners are rejected. The harsher the rejection, the cooler the person being rejected is. Being rejected is now the "in" thing. Everybody's doing it. Or, to be more accurate, everybody's being victimized by it.

So if you've been rejected lately, never fear, that just means you're a trend-setter. That goes for you too, John McCain.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Holiday Lunch

Last weekend, my work had a holiday lunch at a Chinese restaurant. At one point, I stood up to try to reach a dish in the middle of the table, but when I realized that I couldn't reach it, I swung my arm back. My elbow happened to hit my glass of water which spilled on one of my bosses- the only one who likes me. The glass shattered in half.

During the lunch it came out that I'm a Jew because I didn't eat one of the pork dishes. Later, one of my bosses, the wet one, gave the tutors their holiday cards. He said "I bought Christmas cards. Sorry, I should've known." I told him it was no problem.

When I got to my car, I opened the card. Inside was my Christmas bonus and a message written by one of my bosses about my performance as a tutor and my value to the company.

The message read: Thanks for not fucking the children.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Multi-Party Democracy in Zambia

Frederick Chiluba, the President of Zambia from 1991-2001, espoused the benefits of multi-party democracy. As the leader of a prominent trade union, ZCTU, Chiluba advocated for an end to President Kenneth Kaunda's one-party state.

In writing about Zambia's quest for multi-party democracy, Chiluba associated the newly-formed Third Republic, of which Chiluba oversaw, to the First Republic, which denotes the era directly following independence until 1972. He sees many similarities between the Second Republic, the period from 1972-1991 when Zambia had a one-party government, and the colonial period. This is in a bid to legitimize his rule, by tying it back to the perceived glory days of the nation, following the abolition of colonial rule. At the same time, by drawing the link between the colonial period and Kaunda's autocratic rule, Chiluba is de-legitimizing Kaunda and his party, UNIP. By glorifying the memory of the First Republic, Chiluba is also artfully acknowledging the importance of Kaunda, who was President at that time as well, while simultaneously denouncing his lingering hold onto power.

To Chiluba, multi-party democracy is the most important entity that a country can possess, although he mentions that the concept tends to have different forms in different cultural contexts. Chiluba believes that multi-party democracy enables the best out of government because it holds office holders accountable for their actions to the people of their constituency. However, Chiluba's actions show that the blanket concept of multi-party democracy is not enough to thwart corruption.

Chiluba went to trial for embezzling millions of dollars. He also attempted to run for a third term as president despite the fact that it was the movement he led which instituted a constitutionally-decreed two-term limit. It is quite possible that his narrow view of multi-party democracy actually aided these actions. He could have seen himself only accountable to the people of Zambia and not to the constitution or even to his basic sense of morality. Chiluba shows that multi-party democracy might very well produce an effective system of government, but it certainly does not ensure one by itself. (International Affairs Edition)

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

The New Top Ten

Here's an updated list of my top ten favorite active boxers:
2) Roman Greenberg - HEAVYWEIGHT
4) Hasim Rahman - HEAVYWEIGHT
5) Tony Thompson - HEAVYWEIGHT
7) Joshua Clottey - WELTERWEIGHT
8) Andre Berto - WELTERWEIGHT
9) David Haye - HEAVYWEIGHT
10) Antonio Tarver - LIGHT HEAVYWEIGHT

Monday, December 08, 2008

Don't Lie to Me Obama

Come on Obama, don't lie to me man. His campaign was centered on ending the war in Iraq and withdrawing the troops. On Meet the Press yesterday, Obama called his new plan to remove the troops from Iraq a "draw down." He claimed that he would leave a residual force of 35,000-50,000 troops to protect American civilians still stationed in Iraq.

This new plan directly contradicts his campaign promises regarding the war. A draw down is clearly not the same as a withdrawal. In essence, this new plan to leave a large residual force in Iraq does not differ from John McCain's proposals on the same subject. Obama believes that the American occupation of Iraq was and is wrong. Leaving one third of the troops used to invade the country is nothing short of an occupation.

There should not be any U.S. troops or civilians in Iraq. We invaded their country. Our continued presence in Iraq fuels the insurgency. The insurgency is not upset because we have too many troops in Iraq, they are distraught because we have any troops there in the first place. The war did not fail because we had too many troops during the invasion; it failed because we invaded in the first place. The subsequent reconstruction of Iraq did not fail because we have had too many troops in the country; it failed because the presence of American troops is responsible for the insurgency's existence. These civilians that this residual force is supposed to protect will include the same corrupt corporations that have stolen tax payer money since the outset of the war.

I figured I'd be disillusioned with Obama at some point, I just didn't think it would start more than a month before his inauguration. And I support his cabinet nominations, even though liberals are few and far between. They are practical selections. But his new policy on the war in Iraq is not practical. Bring home all the troops from Iraq. (International edition)

Sunday, December 07, 2008

Bet on the Little Guy

When it's a big guy against a little guy... bet on the little guy. Manny Pacquiao, coming up from lightweight (where he only fought once) soundly pounded Oscar De La Hoya, who has fought as heavy as middleweight. The bout featured eight rounds of lightning quick Pacquiao left hands into the face of a bewildered De La Hoya. By the end, De La Hoya was reduced to the position of an 85 year old man sitting in a half-conscious state while others discussed his fate. It was decided that De La Hoya's next stop could very well be boxing's version of a nursing home.

De La Hoya had two things going against him. The first was a major strategic error. De La Hoya weighed a slight 147 lbs heading into the ring. Most people assumed he would enter the ring at least a dozen pounds heavier. When you are much stronger and your opponent is much faster, you don't want to relinquish your strength. By keeping light, De La Hoya gave up some of his strength, but he was still far slower than Pacquiao. If you're going to be slower anyway, might as well be your strongest.

The second thing preventing De La Hoya's success was a stylistic mismatch. The Golden Boy is primarily a left handed fighter. Pacquiao dominated the fight early by throwing split-second left hand leads into Oscar's face through his guard. As a result, Oscar's left hand was shy. Even when it wasn't thrown, the Pac Man's left kept meeting De La Hoya's face; had he let it go, the punishment would have been even more devastating. A barrage of straight rights was De La Hoya's only hope and he doesn't have that punch in his arsenal.

Pacquiao's performance was one for the ages. The smaller man destroying his significantly larger opponent with his quickness, footwork, will, and technical precision. It was a magnificent sight to be hold. One that provides inspiration for the little guy the world over.

Saturday, December 06, 2008

Did You Hear the Bad News?

They got O.J. He was convicted. He'll be incarcerated for a minimum of nine years. Personally, this is a tragedy. I don't know where to turn. Nothing matters anymore. How will I go on?

It's a shame when a person cannot retrieve some of his stuff that he sold without being thrown in jail. Imagine if this was you. You've been treated as a social pariah for the last decade and a half despite being acquitted for the crime you were accused of. Now, all you want to do is remember the good old days. Sounds pretty reasonably, right? Well stick a gun in your hand and have somebody audio tape the episode and suddenly, you're in O.J.'s position. You are not too far away from being thrown in prison for nearly a decade. None of us are.

I believe the jury left out one essential element when determining their verdict. In 1973, O.J. Simpson ran for 2003 yards for the Buffalo Bills. I'm not sure they really grasp the degree of greatness that requires. And it was in a 14-game season. There is a double standard in America. Just because O.J. was such a great running back for the Bills doesn't mean he shouldn't receive special treatment.

Plus, I enjoyed his sideline reporting, especially during Bills games, and his commercials were entertaining. You've taken that away from me. I don't ask for much. All I wanted was O.J. on the sidelines of Bills games during NBC's telecasts. Black people don't care so much about O.J. in the wake of Obama's election, but Bills fans still do. Or, at least, I do. Now, the greatest running back in the history of the Bills (with all due respect to Thurman Thomas, who was pretty fantastic) is locked up. If that doesn't upset you, I hope some day you are audio taped while flailing a gun attempting to get back your memorabilia that you sold, you treacherous hags.

Friday, December 05, 2008

A Jewish Dilemma in a Bad Economy

I was eating one of those little Chef Boyardee-like cups of macaroni and cheese and franks. I checked the ingredients and saw that the franks were made of beef and pork. I thought I tasted something weird. It was so gross. I could feel the pig dirtying up my insides. But that posed a problem. I didn't want to throw the cup away; it was only half eaten. What am I, made of money? But there was pork in it. Such a dilemma.

In the end, I ate the rest of it. Hey, it's a bad economy. It's at the point where I just go to the grocery store as a voyeur. Being at the grocery store is a lot like watching naked ladies in the pornography, it's nice to look even if I know I can't have.

Thursday, December 04, 2008

An Apology to Christians

I have been told that I've said a lot of offensive things towards Christians- particularly white ones- over the years and I'd like to apologize if anyone has been hurt. Let me just say that I don't hate Christians at all. I have Christian friends. I even have a Christian roommate. I work with Christians, I mean they're Korean, but that still counts. I'm not a bigot against Christians. Often times I think Christians, particularly white followers, are too sensitive, I just want to tell them to get over it, but I'm sorry if anyone's feelings get hurt. Maybe some Christians are mad because I said that "terrorism is a dish best served with a side of Jesus." Please understand that I was playing a character named Bobby the Christian Terrorist, it wasn't me saying these things. I am not intolerant of Christians, particularly white ones. I think they're wonderful people and that's all I have to say about it.

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

Still Getting Fucked With

Jerry Falwell is still fucking me from beyond the grave, although this time it really is just an expression. A while back, he created a college to promote Christian conservative ideas. The name of the school is Liberty University. Apparently, they have a basketball team. I guess when the players are not involved in the mandatory prayer sessions, they're allowed to practice. In any event, Liberty faced off against George Mason Monday night. Well, slap my ass and call me Jesus, Liberty won by 3 in overtime.

I was wondering what new and creative ways G-d would find to fuck with me and there you go. Also, I found a bug in my ginger ale when I woke up in the morning.

I went to the grocery store and that's when everything changed. Some cum face cut me off which allowed him to enter the one way parking lot before me. Sure enough, a car was pulling out right at that moment. 'Dammit it, he cuts me off and now this guy is going to get the one spot left!' I thought.

Then, my life changed. The car in front of me veered in the other direction and parked in the handicap spot. The last spot was all mine! Is this the beginning of a new identity? Will everything go right for me from now on? Is this world not simply a lonely place where everyone tries to manipulate each other to achieve selfish gains? Oh, thank the lord for that guy's handicap!

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

Stealing $5 at a Time

I received a $5 fee on my most recent bank statement. Apparently, you are allowed to transfer money from a savings account to a checking account six times during each statement cycle. If you transfer money the seventh time, you will be charged a $5 fee. If you are charged with this fee a couple of times, your account will be shut down. This is apparently a federal regulation.

Here's the kicker. If you go to the bank to transfer money from a savings to a checking account, there is no limit. Say you want to snort meth with your male prostitute, but you don't have enough money in your checking account. Just go to the bank and transfer the money. If the urge hits you a couple more times during the day, it's not a problem, just head to the bank. But if you need to transfer money online in order to buy your mother a birthday present, lord help you if this is your seventh transfer in a month.

I went to the bank to argue and won my $5 back. Hey, injustice is injustice no matter how small. At the bank, I learned about the federal regulation. Turns out it is a stupid purposeless law designed only to steal your money. It must be changed.

Monday, December 01, 2008

Bobby the Christian Terrorist

Hi. I'm Bobby. I'm a Christian. I'm also a terrorist. There have been a lot of bad things said recently about terrorists and I'm here to straighten some of them out for you. Come join me on this journey of discovering more about the wonderful world of terrorism why don'tcha.

Many people associate terrorists with Muslims and that's just wrong. We terrorists are very offended by the stereotype. The average Muslim wouldn't know how to kill innocent civilians if it was written in the Qu'ran, which it is not. Jerry Falwell once said that the Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) was a terrorist. Poppy cock! I am frankly shocked at the level of intolerance coming from the mouth of a fellow Christian terrorist. The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) was nothing more than a messenger of Allah, which is a far cry from a terrorist.

Terrorists, such as myself, know the grand history of Christian terrorism. It began a couple thousand years ago when the first Christian sliced off the head of an unbeliever for the simple crime of not following Jesus Christ and His message of peace. We've held a virtual monopoly on all sorts of terrorism ever since. You want state-sponsored terrorism, I give you the Spanish Inquisition, or if that's not "terrorific" enough for you, how about the Holocaust? When was the last time a Muslim killed 6 million Jews? The answer you are looking for is: never. Only Christian terrorists could accomplish such a feat. We've also got terrorists who victimize the government, i.e. Tim McVeigh, ETA, the IRA, etc.

I hope this has cleared up some misconceptions about terrorists and terrorism. Terrorism is a dish best served with a side of Jesus. May you all have a wondrous and most merry Christmas.