John B. Kimble for Congress

John B. Kimble is a candidate for Maryland's 6th Congressional district. He has quickly become one of my favorite neo-nazis, although he goes by a different label: Republican.

Kimble states that, "I care about all people, regardless of race, creed, or religion." He claims that he is a member of the Southern Poverty Law Center. If that's all there was, he'd be a pretty good guy.

Unfortunately, it isn't. Kimble asserts, "We must maintain our racial solidarity to protect our European ancestry and American heritage." Say it ain't so Morris Dees!

Kimble promises that if elected, "I will introduce hate crimes legislation to protect all people, including caucasions, equally." After giving one example of a crime against a white victim by "people of non-white race," Kimble contends that, "These crimes suggest and seemingly demonstrate an onslaught against Christians and European Americans in our society." It's tough being a white Christian man. How do they do it? They're so courageous!

Kimble continues, "Under my hate crimes legislation, any interracial sexual assault, battery, or murder will automatically be a hate crime. This legislation will apply to all races and will not be one-sided as it is today." It's true, it is one-sided. Slavery was also one-sided. So were Jim Crow laws. You know what else is one-sided? The number of white people in positions of power in America.

Surprisingly, Kimble is not a fan of immigration. He wants to stop the "Latino invasion." He warns, "We must stop immigration... Our country is being invaded by people who allegedly come here for a better life, but they are coming here to take over. They are taking our jobs and ruining our culture." I can't tell you how many nights I couldn't fall asleep worrying that an immigrant would take my job, which is tutoring immigrants in English. Ok, maybe they won't take every job.

As for ruining our culture, that scares me the most. I want to return to a world where only the music of Pat Boone existed. Those were some "funky licks" that I could really "boogie" to. Oh shit, I ended a sentence with a preposition. Damn immigrants, look what they made me do.

Kimble wants background checks on everyone who enters the U.S. and ties it to a bill that would "amend the Constitution to allow only U.S.-born citizens with U.S.-born parents to vote in federal elections or become president of the United States." Well, my mom's many years of voting will be coming to an end. My paternal grandmother had a nice 70-year voting run, it had to stop sometime. He believes that a president with immigrant parents could lead to the over-throw of our government. George Washington and Barack Obama, go back to where your parents came from, if you want to be president.

Kimble was confronted by someone who wasn't white on the disproportionate toll the war in Iraq has been taking on people who aren't white. Kimble had an answer for that too, "I saw mostly Christian white guys getting killed" on television. Kimble is right. He has a state-of-the-art TV called Whitevision, where the screen goes blank if someone who isn't a white Christian appears. It's a shame, he's never even seen the Daily Show, not even the episode he was on. Kimble then stated, "It's a rich man's war." Poor Donald Rumsfeld, he (eventually) lost his job over the war. A tragedy really.

Kimble leaves us with a final, inspirational message: "We must do everything humanly possible to save our nation and [prevent] civil unrest as a result of too much diversity and immigration."

Well, at least he's an animal-lover.