Cleveland Park Walking Tour

A few years ago, DC transformed their police and fire call boxes into works of art that show the history of the various neighborhoods. The project is called Art on Call. Here's a list of Cleveland Park's 15 call boxes.

1. Roma Restaurant - The box is located at Macomb and Connecticut.
2. Commerce - The box is located at Ordway and Connecticut.
3. Broadmoor - The box is located at 3601 Connecticut Ave.
4. Tregaron - The box is located at Macomb and Ross Place.
5. Red Top - The box is located around Macomb and 35th.
(exact location TBD)
6. Queen Anne's Style - The box is located at 2941 Newark Ave.
7. Early Firefighting - The box is located around the 3300 block on Newark Ave.
(exact location TBD)
8. Sherman Cottages - The box is located at Highland and Ashley.
9. Rosedale - The box is located atNewark at 36th.
10. National Cathedral - The box is located around the 3500 block of Woodley Rd.
(exact location TBD)
11.  Bungalow - The box is located at Porter and 30th.
12. Map - The box is located at Porter and 35th.
13. Washington Ballet - The box is located around Wisconsin and Porter.
(the exact location TBD)
14. Flower -  The box is located at Idaho and Quebec.
15. Landscape - The box is located at Reno and Quebec.

The boxes are not numbered in an order conducive for going on a walk, so here is a suggested pattern instead:
Starting from Cleveland Park metro, see 2. Then, go south on Connecticut and make a right on Newark. See 6, 8, and 7. Make a left onto 34th Street and a left onto Macomb. See 4 and 1. Go south and get on Woodley Rd. See 10. Go north on 35th Street and see 5. Then, you make an arc towards the metro. This will lead you to (in order) 9, 13, 14, 12, 15, 11, and finally 3, which is a block north of the metro station. 

Maryland Ballot Iniatives

Here's a helpful friendly voter's guide to enable you to sift through the morose language of the ballot questions in Maryland.

Question 1 and 2: For because judges should probably have law degrees.

Question 3: For because if an elected official is convicted of a crime, why wait until sentencing to oust him? Get that sucker out as soon as he's convicted.

Question 4: For because if someone pays state income tax, they should be allowed to pay in-state tuition if they fail to get into Brown and have to settle for their safety school, UMBC.

Question 5: Against because these gerrymandered districts are ridiculous. Did you know that Washington and Harford Counties are in the same congressional district as northern Montgomery County (you know, where people actually live), because apparently those bumpkins are supposed to have similar concerns as us.

Question 6: For because as long as I'm not forced to marry a man, I don't care if you do... as long as I don't have buy a wedding present, I have to do enough of that already.

Question 7: Against because the way I see it voting for question 7 is for people who love the debaucherous shithole that is Charles Town, West Virginia, but wish it was closer to home.

The Accident and the Idiot

I was making a right turn, one of those protected by an island. I thought I could go, but realized a car was going faster than I had thought, so I stopped. Four seconds later.... BAM!

I got rear-ended. I pulled over to the side, stuck my hand out of the window motioning the car behind me to pull over. It didn't.

I got out of the car and motioned for the car to pull over. It was still frozen. I kept motioning and telling the person to pull over, pointing behind my car. The car pulled out into the road as if to drive off.

I ran into the middle of the road in front of the car screaming. "You hit me! Pull over!" The car stopped before hitting me. I walked around to the man's open window. "You hit me, right?! Pull over!" The man, a black man in a silver car with paper plates indicating the newness of his vehicle, meekly answered, "I was pulling over." I said ok and started walking back to my car.

Suddenly, the man peeled out and sped off.

I jumped into my car, started it, and raced after him.

But I couldn't catch him. I missed my exit looking for him. At a light, a woman in a red SUV pulled up next to me and we talked through the open windows. "I saw what happened. I can't believe he drove off. I would be so pissed."

At the next light, a bearded man got out of his pickup truck behind me and walked to my window. "I saw what happened back there. I've already called the police and given them a description. They're looking for the guy." At that point, I halted my search and turned around to go back home.

I was surprised at the mention of the police. It never occurred to me to call them. The funny thing is that had the guy pulled over and we exchanged information, I likely wouldn't have even called in the claim to the insurance company. It's just nice to have the information in case something did unexpectedly happen to the car on the way home.

I was pleasantly surprised that so many people had my back. I thought to myself, even though people are miserable and stupid, they're also wonderful. I had another thought; I'm lucky this happened in Virginia, because if it happened in Maryland or DC, nobody would've given a damn.

The DC Earthquake

I didn't feel anything, I'm thinking everyone is playing a prank on me. I was playing basketball and actually missed a shot, that must've been when it happened.

I feel like half the people who say they felt the earthquake are just saying so because they want to feel like a part of something, a shared experience.

Metro Ettiquette

On the metro today, I sat next to a man who looked very much like Comic Book Guy. An interesting look to emulate.

As the metro slowed for each stop, he would put his hands on the bar, which indicated that he was getting ready to get off the train. He also kept placing his bag on the floor and then picking it up, also making me think he was leaving. He'd also look at me occasionally as the train slowed, another indication of someone ready to get off.

All of these actions were draining. I had to pay more attention to this cartoon character because he had exhausted the usual social cues that tell a person someone wants to get off. What did he do when he wanted to get off? I didn't know. So, I couldn't zone out, because this man clearly played outside the mores of society.

It was a terrible metro ride.

Endorsements

As always, the HarazQuack Times gives you endorsements. You know about Allwine and Henry already. Here's your voter's guide form the Gazette.

For comptroller, go with Peter Franchot. Campbell is unexperienced and wants to cut corporate taxes. Chris Van Hollen is the lesser of four evils. Rob Garagiola for State Senate in District 15 actually has a platform, unlike his challenger. For the House of Delegates in District 15, Kathleen Dumais, Brian Feldman, and Aruna Miller all have a good grasp of what the county needs. Scott Graham is a reasonable choice too. The others want to cut taxes as if that will somehow help a deficit.

For Montgomery County Council, George Gluck, Marc Elrich, Nancy Floreen, and Hans Riemer are the Times choices, but the inexperienced Nixon Uncapher is a resonable candidate as well. Progressive solution is our motto. Brandman, Docca, O'Neill, and definitely Durso are the endorsements for the board. On the state questions: #1 against, #2 for, #3 for, county question A for.

Happy voting!

Green Maryland

The HarazQuack Times endorses Maria Allwine for Governor of Maryland. She favors a single payer healthcare system and isn't in the pocket of BGE. Her hands are clean as the Green Party doesn't accept corporate donations. Don't worry Democrats, Martin O'Malley will win. He has a comfortable 14-point lead. But his negative ads against Robert Ehrlich represent the actions of a typical politician. He is more concerned with keeping his political career progressing than adhering to the wishes of the largely progressive constituents he represents.

The HarazQuack Times also endorses Kenniss Henry for the U.S. Senate as a protest vote against Barbara Mikulski. Mikulski, who will win easily, was one of twenty Senators to vote against authorization of the Iraq in 2002. The vote should be commended, but she has consistently voted to fund both wars, in Iraq and Afghanistan. She tries to explain away this clear hypocrisy by spouting typical political rhetoric that she is "supporting the troops." She asserts that she will not leave the troops in the field unfunded as if that was the only alternative. It is disingenuous at best.

Kenniss Henry is the mother of former Green Party candidate Natasha Pettigrew. Pettigrew died last month as she was killed by an SUV while riding her bicycle. Henry has movingly picked up her daughter's campaign.

O'Malley Attack Ads

I'm no Robert Ehrlich fan. But O'Malley's attack ads are off putting. They're not effective anyhow. I just assume the accusations are distortions of the truth. I don't care about what the O'Malley campaign says Ehrlich did 24 years ago. What are you going to do in the next 4 years as governor? That's what I care about. Come on Martin O'Malley, you're better than that.

Looks like it might be another election where I vote Green.

The Maryland Governors Debate

I wanted to like Robert Ehrlich. I wanted to give him a chance and show that I'm not driven by ideology, but by pragmatism. For some reason, Ehrlich made that task exceedingly difficult.

Based on this last debate, I'm more ideologically in line with Martin O'Malley. O'Malley acknowledged that when your state has a horrendous deficit, taxes need to be raised. That takes guts to say, but it also makes sense. Ehrlich shockingly pulled a George Bush and asserted no taxes would be raised were he in office and tried to make it seem as if he was taking a brash stance.

Martin O'Malley called illegal immigrants "new Americans" which I felt was incredibly empathetic and political courageous. It appeals to a nonexistent voting bloc and to human decency. Ehrlich criticized O'Malley for the term and, as an afterthought, begrudgingly conceded that people shouldn't be left on the street hungry and naked even if they are illegal. O'Malley also supported equal rights for gays and recognizing same-sex marriages initiated in DC. Ehrlich was proud to say, no way.

But throughout the debate, the tone of the two was the story. Ehrlich did O'Malley a favor. I've always thought O'Malley comes across as a phony, but today he appeared measured and reasoned. Ehrlich was combative and argumentative. He was also blatantly hypocritical. He accused O'Malley of relying on clichés. To deliver this message he resorted to clichés himself, saying, "Leaders answer questions." He also accused O'Malley of "talking like a politician," another cliché.

O'Malley threw in his weight of attacks against Ehrlich. He certainly wasn't innocent. Ehrlich's attitude just made him see that way. As a result, O'Malley was impressive. He even convinced me to support the purple line.

An American Story

This is a story that is quintessentially American. A guy complains to authorities that people are driving too fast in front of his house. He effectively advocates for a speed hump (which is also the name of my favorite sex move [uh-uh-done-sorry]).

Another guy, David Patton (not the former NFL wide receiver), takes umbrage with the speed hump and assaults him. A couple of months later, with the pending assault case approaching, Patton comes back, breaks in, and (allegedly) murders the speed hump advocate in his house.

This story has everything that is American: narcissistic advocacy, incredibly irrational murderous rage, guns, sex(?), and zip ties... And that is why I stand during the National Anthem.

Bus Driver Pedophilia

A local bus driver was accused of taping himself and a seven-year old performing sex acts together. That is just awful, disgusting, and wrong. He was caught after leaving his camera's memory card on a 7-11 counter. Another customer picked it up, went home, and discovered the crime.

I don't know what to be more upset about, the pedophilia or the realization that the bus driver is more technologically savvy than I am. I had no idea cameras had memory cards and, if you told me they did, I would have zero chance of locating it.

Behind the State Senator

On Route 32 West this afternoon, I found myself caught behind a painfully slow-moving car in the left lane. When I passed the dawdling car, I saw that it has a Maryland license plate. It also had the word Senate on it and a number in the 90s. Inside was an older white man with a suit.

On the one hand, the state senator should be admired for setting a good example, crawling below the speed limit, even in the left lane. On the other hand, the jackass was on a cell phone, probably the cause of his car's leisurely pace.

Snowpocalypse or Snowmageddon?

Both are made up words where the word “snow” is added to partial words, in one case “apocalypse” and the other "armageddon." Both original words describe the annihilation of life as we know it.

Last month, this area received back-to-back blizzards, which SUCKED! It was made all the worse because we possess incompetent governments. We lost power for a day and had to throw the food in a bag and put it outside so it wouldn't spoil. Our street was half-heartedly plowed and several inches of ice remained blanketing it for two weeks after the final snowflake had fallen.

But, as far as I know, after the snow melted, everything is still intact. Sure, a few roofs caved in and some guys ingenuously torched frozen power lines resulting in a house catching fire, but things are pretty normal if you ask me. Life still exists.

That takes us to the made up words snowpocalypse and snowmageddon. Neither is clever. Neither "ar" nor "a" rhyme with "snow." Neither means snow in another language. It’s a very clumsy pun- puns being the lowest form of humor to begin with.

Why does this really matter? Because I'm sick of stupidity. We settle for pitiful mediocrity at every turn. I am avowedly against violence, but the next time some moron suggests something on the level of snowpocalypse or snowmageddon, please shoot that person in the face.

Road Rage

Merging off of 495 onto 95 North, I saw an opening in the far right access lane. My lane had slowed. I noticed a car creeping up to the right, but figured I had plenty of time to move over, so I put my turn signal on.

Once I entered the lane, I looked in the rearview mirror and saw a hand waving, as if claiming I cut off the driver it belonged to. I thought I had had plenty of space to make the lane change andit was a case of this person speeding up on me. In Maryland, if you put on your turn signal, it's like flaunting a red towel in front of a bull, people will speed up on you. So, I waved my hand back.

I also put my right turn signal on. Of course, at this point, going right meant off to the side of the road. My intention was to show that I had my signal on and this driver sped up on me. I realized afterwards, it could have been a sign to pull over and start a confrontation.

In any event, this driver was tailgating me and, for some reason, people go really slowly when exiting onto 95 North, so there wasn't anywhere for me to go. I found an opening back in the left lane and this person followed me. Before hitting the road work for the new ICC (I thought we voted against everyone who supported it!), everyone slows down. So I slowed down, which infuriated this tailgater. The person sped up right next to me on the left (and off the road). I greeted the tinted windows of the white car (including painted flames!) with the old middle finger salute.

For the next ten miles, the white car stayed within distance of me. I drove normally, not running, but kept my eye on this vehicle. At one point, I got caught in a slow-moving left lane and the white car pulled up next to me on the right. Inside, with the window rolled down, was a large ugly bald white man. He held a sneer for me (unless it was just a case of bell's palsy) and shook his head pathetically at me.

I stared back, never releasing my gaze. He was the first to flinch, looking forward as he passed me. He then looked back, startled to see me still stoicly eying him. As he passed, he disgustedly threw down a piece of garbage, which I believe was intended on being a protest at my actions, but instead looked like a bit of passive aggressiveness. My experience has been that big guys, who look mean and ugly, don't like to be stood up to.

After any encounter like that, I always evaluate my actions. There are things I did to ignite the situation further. Ultimately, I don't think Gandhi would be very pleased with my response. Sorry G.

The Snow

I know what you're thinking. A Jewish guy, living in the Washington DC area, covered by two successive storms probably accumulating around 50 inches, been shoveling snow every day since last Friday, lost power on Saturday, been cooped up in the house for the better part of a week, and you're expecting me to complain. Well, I'm not here to fit your little stereotypes of Jews, you filthy bigoted parasite. Why don't you take off your white hood and say that to my face or are you too much of a neo-nazi son of a semen guzzler. Oh, I'm sorry you can't fit me in your warped box of sick generalities. People like you disgust me. You can't for one minute challenge your own preconceptions of others. Why don't you just drop dead.

Dear Mother Nature

Dear Mother Nature,

We get it. Climate change is our fault. We accept responsibility. We're sorry. We'll try to do better in the future. Just please, no more snow.

Signed,
The DC Area

Like I'm an Animal

I tutored Monday in Haymarket, Virginia and decided to wear a yarmulke because it was Rosh Hashanah. While I was driving back on Route 66, a big white SUV was moving along a bit slowly in the left lane. The car graciously moved over well before I approached it and I drove by without incident.

Then I caught the vehicle speeding towards me from one lane over. I didn't think much of it because people tend to drive illogically. The SUV then slowed considerably because there was a cop. I maintained my speed because the cop was pointed the other way and I wasn't going that fast.

A little bit later, the same white SUV sped up behind me in the left lane. I figured this guy is crazy, so I moved over to the right.

As he passed, he held out a digital camera and this hillbilly motherfucker took a picture of me like I'm some fucking animal in a zoo! I don't know, maybe he's never seen a Jew before. I was so pissed, I really wanted to go after him, but if he has the audacity to shoot me with a camera, he probably has no problem shooting me with a gun. Fucking redneck.

The Deer

Recently I've had a serious problem. The deer come and eat the flowers in the front yard. I don't know if there's such a thing as floral genocide. Initially I get very angry at the deer, but it's not their fault. Their homes have been destroyed. Those fucking developers have cut down the lush forrest nearby and the deer have nowhere else to go.

I've thought about trying to stop the deer; maybe putting poison on the flowers or sticking sharp blades around the plants. But I don't want to kill the deer. I'd rather kill those damned developers and their little local legislative lackies.

VP 72

Driving on my way home from work on Route 66, I saw a personalized license plate that read "VP 72."

My first thought was, "Sargent Shriver?" He had run for Vice President in 1972. But knowing his current condition and public persona, it didn't make much sense, particularly because he was on the losing ticket.

Perhaps it was Spiro Agnew, who was Vice President in 1972. But I was pretty sure Spiro Agnew was dead. I drove by the car and got a good look at the man. He had a distinguished, weathered looking face with a tamed shock of white hair.

When I got home, I looked up information on Spiro Agnew. He has been dead for years, but the man in the car very much resembled the picture of Spiro Agnew that I saw. I learned that Agnew had a son named Randy, who would be in his 60s, well within the plausible age range of the man in the "VP 72" car.

So it is quite possible that I drove past Spiro Agnew's son, which, if true, would be the highlight of my life to this point and probably from here on out. But several questions remain. Spiro Agnew was elected Vice President in 1968. Why would Randy single out his father's second election? Perhaps his sister had dibs on "VP 68." Why would he choose his father's victory to display on his license plate? His father resigned in disgrace just a year later, was it an act of irony on Randy's part? Also, why was he driving so slowly in the second to left lane? Move over, buddy. Sheesh.

A less-likely possibility is that Vladimir Putin was driving the car. Born in 1952, it's possible that he graduated college in 1972 and he feels that accomplishment is most worthy of memorializing on a license plate. But the man in the car didn't look like Putin, except that they are both white. Putin's grandfather was named Spiridon and his nickname could very well have been Spiro. Coincidence? Almost certainly. Spiridon Putin was allegedly Joseph Stalin's personal cook.

Potomac Primary

I'm pretty sure I'm going to vote for Barack Obama instead of Bill Richardson for president. They're not too far off on the issues and Obama has the capacity to get things done because he is willing to reach out to people of different political backgrounds. I have no doubt that Obama would be a strong general election candidate. I still like Bill Richardson though. If you were going to vote for Bill Richardson, you still should.

I'm not sure how it's done elsewhere, but in Maryland we vote for the candidate and 4 female and 4 male delegates associated with a particular presidential candidate. I'm not really sure why it's divided by gender. Richardson only has one potential delegate tied to him, so I will vote for her and the other seven will be tied to Obama. That's how I rectify things in my own mind.

In Maryland's the 8th Congressional district, I always vote for Deborah Vollmer, because I agree with her stance on the war in Iraq. Chris Van Hollen has been someone who wants it both ways. He criticizes the war and yet, consistently votes for it. He's argued that troops should remain. He very much seems like the type of person who votes based on his own political future and not for his constituency. If you oppose the Iraq war, you simply should not vote for Van Hollen. Vote your conscious. Vote for Vollmer.