Friday, April 30, 2010

Virus Shame

It is very embarrassing to admit that you have a virus on your computer because the assumption is that you got it while searching for porn.

But I can assure you, I got my virus while searching for bootlegged boxing matches.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

English in Alabama

An Alabama gubernatorial candidate, Tim James (and no, not the basketball player from the U of Miami who briefly played in the NBA about 10 years ago), said in a commercial that "This is Alabama, we speak English. If you want to live here, learn it."

Number 1. I don't know what they speak in Alabama, but it ain't English. I could barely understand this guy.

Number 2. I actually like Tim James's proposal. Non-English speakers will leave Alabama, inevitably crumbling their economy. Well, more so. Hopefully they move to the DC area; you can never get enough diversity (but don't move to northern Virginia, there's racists and guns down there). With the Alabamian economy crushed (well, more so) the remaining best and brightest (all 8 of them) will flee (again, hopefully to the DC area).

Then you'll have your desired barren conservative paradise, where nothing relating to the government will be present in your lives, especially the currency.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Arizona, Mexico

I have no problems with the new immigration laws in Arizona, in theory. But they totally contradict the spirit and values of the United States. So, I propose that we give Arizona back to Mexico. Arizona keeps their immigration laws, but, since they're part of Mexico, the laws will work in reverse.

Any person in Arizona who doesn't look like they're from Mexico will have to keep their papers with them at all times or be thrown in jail. All immigrants, who are not in (what is now) Arizona, Mexico legally, will be jailed. Oh, and white folks in Arizona, don't even think about trying to cross the border back into the U.S.; we'll have some crazy people patrolling it ready to shoot you.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Grocery Store Tunes

The music in the grocery store yesterday was so depressing. I'm just glad the place doesn't sell rope. Come to think of it, even if it did, I wouldn't be able to afford it.

Monday, April 26, 2010

ELL, Season 7, Semis 1st Leg

It's playoff time! But before we get there, we've got some business to attend to. We need to determine who will return next season and who won't. Let's do that now.

Obiang vs Ahmadinejad
Both finished at 3-4 this regular season. Teodoro Obiang has initiated a new after school program called "Children Sleep Now." To celebrate, Obiang has decided to kidnap his opponents. Oh, snap, pun! Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was doing some celebrating of his own last week. In honor of his boastful claims about Iran's nuclear prowess, the nervousness he causes Israel and the U.S., and a successfully stolen election, Ahmadinejad decided to do a little manscaping. He trimmed his lush chest hair. After weighing himself, he discovered that he had lost 3 pounds! Presumably in the chest area.

Check the winner at the Evil Leaders League site.

Now on to the playoffs. The semifinals will consist of two legs, best aggregate score wins. Enjoy or be tortured.

Shwe vs al-Bashir
This is a rematch of last season's semifinals. Myanmar's Than Shwe has decided he doesn't want international observers to oversee the upcoming Burmese elections. He has his own band of child soldiers to fill that role. Plus, international observers will probably just try to fuck up his plan to steal the election. He doesn't need that drama. Omar al-Bashir of Sudan wants to do everything himself, just like Dwyane Wade. He controls his country's elections and also gets to determine who lives and who dies. Not good news for Carlos Arroyo.

Check the playoff results at the Evil Leaders League site.

Karzai vs Kim
Afghanistan's leader, Hamid Karzai, is a lot like J.R. Smith; who knows which side he's on (Sorry, I've been watching a lot of playoff basketball). He was Bush's best friend, but now has threatened to join the Taliban. That leaves the U.S. searching for another route to exert influence in Afghanistan, which is like trying to have sex with super Christian girls who want to save it for marriage. The U.S. has opted for the Afghan parliament, a.k.a. the assholes.

So, apparently, North Korea did sink that South Korean ship from last month. That's a lesson for South Korea, always go with your instinct. My instinct tells me that Kim sent out a recent press release saying that he is a "global fashion trendsetter" after the ELL reported that he had won Mr. Blackwell's Worst Dressed Dictator Since Gaddafi award in Week 5. How can a person be a "global fashion trendsetter" if they're just jacking Estelle Getty's style from 25 years ago?

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Paul Pierce Toughness

One of my best qualities is my ability to kick people when they're up. For instance, after they hit a game-winning shot. Another quality I have is my hatred for people who I once defended and then have drastically disappointed me. Paul Pierce is such a character.

I thought Pierce was just about the toughest guy around after he was stabbed like 9 times several years ago. I told anybody who would listen, "Hey, this guy's tough!" Oh, has time proven me wrong to an embarrassing degree. There were those seasons when the Celtics were terrible and Pierce just didn't feel like playing.

Then, of course, there was the infamous display during Game 1 of the 2008 NBA Finals, which saw Pierce rolling around in pain and being wheeled off the court. A few minutes later, he trotted onto the court apparently miraculously healed. Pierce must have sent money to the 700 Club or something. In reality, he was carted off after sustaining a boo boo. Even in this year's playoffs, he was rolling around hurt at one point, only to get up. His teammates tried to act like they didn't know him.

That takes us to Manu Ginobili and Brandon Roy. Ginobili's nose was destroyed by Dirk Nowitzki's elbow last night. Between that incident and stealing some of Carl Landy's teeth, Dirk's elbow must be made of iron. Anyway, Ginobili missed all of 5 minutes of game action, despite the fact that his nose was twisted, bloody, and swollen. Roy had surgery for a torn meniscus eight days ago and is active for today's game. Both Ginobili and Roy are as tough as they come and do this game proud.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

The End of Poland?

I was confronted by a 4th grader who was freaking out about Poland potentially losing its sovereignty once again in the wake of the plane crash that killed the president among other government officials. The student, who isn't even Polish (he's Korean), wasn't comforted by the upcoming special election that would bring legitimacy to the winner.

I told him that, in the mean time, they got Bronislaw Komorowski as the acting president and the late president's twin brother, Jaroslaw Kaczynski, could just pretend to be the president like nothing happened. The 4th grader’s response was, "So one guy is pretending and the other one is acting? How does that help anything?"

The student was clearly not impressed with Komorowski, as he just kept shouting, "So they've got some random Pole as acting president and that's suppose to make things better?" I attempted to convey that no other country would take over Poland as they still had a military and there is a global system to prevent such an occurrence (unless the U.S. wanted to invade). None of it worked. He was convinced Poland would cease to be. If the EU has anything to do with it, he just might be right.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Yelling at Ryan Braun

The Brewers were in town last weekend. I was sitting in leftfield and wanted to yell something at Ryan Braun to let him know that as a fellow Jew, I root for him.

It occurred to me that there's pretty much nothing I could yell at him that wouldn't sound unbelievably anti-Semitic. "Hey Braun, how was your Passover?... As a fellow Jew, I'm genuinely interested!" I thought about screaming out the Hebrew alphabet. I could have sung Dayanu. It all seemed anti-Semitic.

I finally came up with "Hey Braun, how about you, me, and Marquis go out for a nosh after the game?" But you can't really yell that intelligibly.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

College Players in the NBA Predictions Update

We predicted which college players would have the better NBA careers for the fourth time this season. Here is an update of 2007 and 2008 changes in ranking from last year and a full report from our 2009 predicitions. Here's last year's update. * indicates that it's debatable.

Update of 2007 Predictions (Best players from left to right)
Joakim Noah, Greg Oden*, Roy Hibbert*.
Julian Wright*, Brandon Wright*.

Update of 2008 Predictions
Roy Hibbert, DuJuan Summers, Patrick Ewing*, Jonathan Wallace*.
Wayne Ellington, Gerald Henderson.
Darren Collison, Ty Lawson, D.J. Augustin.
Bill Walker, DuJuan Summers, Damion James (college).

Update of 2009 Predictions
Stephen Curry, Darren Collison, Ty Lawson, Johnny Flynn, Jrue Holiday*, Eric Maynor*, Toney Douglas*.
DeJuan Blair, Tyler Hansbrough, Hasheem Thabeet*, Derrick Brown*, Blake Griffin, Larry Sanders (college).
James Harden, Gerald Henderson, Damion James (college).

As always, the playoffs will impact things.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Predictions For College Players in the NBA

This is the fourth year we've done these type of predictions. We are predicting who will have the better pro career, not who will be drafted higher or who will have the better rookie season.

Jordan Crawford, Evan Turner, John Wall
me: Crawford, Wall, Turner.
Ian: Wall, Turner, Crawford.
Mike: Wall, Turner, Crawford.

James Anderson, Damion James, Quincy Pondexter, Greivis Vasquez
me: Pondexter, James, Anderson, Vasquez.
Ian: Anderson, James, Pondexter, Vasquez.
Mike: Anderson, Vasquez, Pondexter, James.

Da'Sean Butler, Luke Harangody, Jeremy Hazell, Wesley Johnson, Dominique Jones
me: Johnson, Jones, Butler, Hazell, Harangody.
Ian: Johnson, Butler, Harangody, Jones, Hazell.
Mike: Johnson, Jones, Butler, Harangody, Hazell.

Cole Aldrich, DeMarcus Cousins, Derrick Favors, Omar Samhan
me: Favors, Cousins, Samhan, Aldrich.
Ian: Cousins, Aldrich, Favors, Samhan.
Mike: Cousins, Favors, Aldrich, Samhan.

Austin Freeman, Greg Monroe, Chris Wright
me: Monroe, Wright, Freeman
Ian: Monroe, Freeman, Wright
Mike: Monroe, Wright, Freeman

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Those .500 Nats!

After losing earlier today, the Nats have fallen to .500; I'll take it! This is the deepest in the season the Nats have been .500 or better since 2005, when the club finished with a 81-81 record. The Nats have only played 12 games thus far, so it's not yet time to dream of a World Series championship just yet. Or even an 80 win season. Or a 70 win campaign either. But, hey, it's something.

The real key has been Ivan Rodriguez. Rarely does a player experience a magical resurgence with the Nats. And by rarely, I mean never. Usually, it happens the other way. But I digress. It feels pretty great to have reached such heights, even if it is early.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

2010 NBA Playoff Predictions

It's that time again! The next day without a basketball game is about a month away. With that:
First Round
Cleveland 4-0 Chicago
Boston 4-3 Miami
Orlando 4-2 Charlotte
Atlanta 4-1 Milwaukee
Conference Semis
Cleveland 4-2 Boston
Orlando 4-2 Atlanta
Conference Finals
Cleveland 4-2 Orlando

First Round
LA Lakers 4-0 Oklahoma City
Denver 4-3 Utah
Dallas 4-3 San Antonio
Phoenix 4-0 Portland
Conference Semis
LA Lakers 4-2 Denver
Dallas 4-2 Phoenix
Conference Finals
Dallas 4-2 LA Lakers

NBA Finals
Cleveland 4-2 Dallas

Friday, April 16, 2010

Don't Go Out Like That

We have a near-epidemic in our land. People who disagree with the government seem to be suffering from depression and ultimately committing suicide in droves. So, in an effort to remedy the problem, I've decided to ban a number of methods of suicide that have become prominent.

Today's decrees
These forms of suicide are now banned:

- Shooting yourself in the head 41 times.
- Stabbing yourself in the back 17 times.
- Shooting your taxi driver in the head so that he drives off a cliff.
- Shoving your rectum down your own throat, forcing you to continuously eat your own shit.
- Cutting off all of your limbs and then tying yourself to the railroad tracks in time for the 5:15.
- Placing your still-attached head on a tee at Fenway Park and having David Ortiz take a whack at it.
- Going to jail on trumped up charges and being mysteriously murdered while incarcerated.

In other decrees, I have won the first annual Champion of Mental Health Award for my actions concerning our nation's increased suicide rate. Me, your Dear and Fearless Leader! It's quite an honor.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Tax Day Tea Party

I went to the Tea Party rally down by the Washington Monument earlier tonight. I didn't find any of the over-the-top signs that you sometimes see in the media. There were definitely people there, but significantly less than any anti-war protest I've been to. I’d say about equal to a Save Darfur rally. I left at 8pm, though.

While there may not have been any overtly outrageous signs, plenty of them demanded "their" country back and some vaguely threatened Congress. Many signs just didn't make much sense.

Obama was often called a socialist, either explicitly or implicitly. I wish these people would look up the definition of socialism. Even better, learn about socialist countries and compare them to ours. Newsflash: Many large corporations are not only privately owned in the U.S., but some pay zero taxes to the U.S. government. That's the opposite of socialism.

One sign called for a wall on the U.S. border with Mexico. This is a Tea Party rally; supposedly, these people are against taxes. Guess how that wall will be funded. And it wouldn't be cheap!

There were some interesting points made, where we'd have to agree to disagree, but for the most part, not so much. There was crazy anti-gay guy and a woman who thought Obama wasn't a target of white supremacists because he was half-white. Anyway, I'm home safe.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Ironically Pompous

This guy, who was analyzing the performances of boxing announcers, apparently has a wall of shame entitled "People I hate for being unexplainably and unjustifiably pompous" complete with framed photos of said people. It's all pretty ironic because having a wall of shame for people who are "unexplainably and unjustifiably pompous" is, by definition, unexplainably and unjustifiably pompous.

One additional aspect that irked me about the wall was the inclusion of SportsCenter anchor Brian Kenny. To me, Kenny's public personality seems about as opposite from pompous as you can get. It's more like he can't believe what great fortune he has incurred to have such a great job. He comes across as quite humble, occasionally deviating by dropping in an opinion, which is usually sensible. As far as Brian Kenny is concerned, I think this guy has got it dead wrong. But maybe he knows Brian Kenny personally or something. Then, I digress.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Behind the State Senator

On Route 32 West this afternoon, I found myself caught behind a painfully slow-moving car in the left lane. When I passed the dawdling car, I saw that it has a Maryland license plate. It also had the word Senate on it and a number in the 90s. Inside was an older white man with a suit.

On the one hand, the state senator should be admired for setting a good example, crawling below the speed limit, even in the left lane. On the other hand, the jackass was on a cell phone, probably the cause of his car's leisurely pace.

Monday, April 12, 2010

ELL, Season 7, Week 7

Evil leaders are a lot like women. They'll rip your heart out. The ELL site is here.

Kim vs Karzai
With instability on the rise in North Korea, people are continuing to flee to that beacon, that bastion of authoritarian isolation, China. When your citizens are going in droves to an overcrowded communist nation, you know you done fucked things up. But there is speculation that people are only leaving because they don't want to catch whatever secret illness Kim Jong-Il has.

Hamid Karzai threw a hissy fit recently, claiming if the West forced reforms on his corrupt administration, he'd quit his post and join the Taliban. This is great news for the U.S.'s War on Terror! If Karzai joins the Taliban, his incompetent leadership will surely bring them down, a feat the U.S. military hasn't been able to accomplish.

I know you want to know the winners this week and made the evil playoffs for Season 7. You can find out at the ELL site here, if you're savvy enough.

Obiang vs Shwe
Following the news is making Teodoro Obiang feel down. The death of the Polish president, a coup in Kyrgyzstan, it's enough to make even the most entrenched dictator nervous. His doctors have advised Obiang to turn away from Fox News for a while and instead watch something healing, like The Marriage Ref.

Myanmar's Than Shwe hopes to gain legitimacy among his junta-ruling compadres in the upcoming Burmese elections. The elections will help him accomplish his two goals. The first is turning Myanmar into a nuclear state so that it can blackmail for aid in the fashion of North Korea. The other goal for the octogenarian is a Golden Girls reunion, which might be more difficult due to the deaths of Bea Arthur and Estelle Getty.

al-Bashir vs Morales
Even Ralph Nader boycotted the recent elections in Sudan and that guy has an electoral fetish stronger than Tiger Woods' for party girls. In fact, only one person's vote was counted. It happened to be that of longtime president Omar al-Bashir, who surprisingly voted for himself. Evo Morales had his own little election in Bolivia. I guess the cute indigenous authoritarian demagogue isn't as all-powerful as he thought. His party gained mixed success in the recent regional elections. It seems totalitarianism is no match when up against a little dose of democracy.

Ahmadinejad vs Belusconi
Iranian head honcho, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, wrote a letter to the UN's Secretary General, Ban Ki-Moon, asking him to look into the attacks of September 11. The impetus was this awesome documentary Ahmadinejad saw on YouTube while he was high. In the correspondence, Ahmadinejad writes:

Dear Rev. Sun Myung,
Dude, on 9/11 the CIA put bombs in the buildings just as they were calling all of the Jews to stay home from work that day. And did you know that George W. Bush is an anagram for terrorist in Farsi? Check that shit out, Secretary Reverend.
M. Ahmadin... whatever

Billionaire playoldman and corrupt Italian prime minister, Silvio Berlsuconi, had sex with me and everyone I know. He then took money from all of our bank accounts. I knew I shouldn't have trusted some random old man I saw wacking off on Chat Roulette. Live and learn.

click for Standings

Sunday, April 11, 2010

The Road to Cooperstown

Last week I went to the Baseball Hall of Fame, a dream of mine since I was young. If you're a fan of the history of baseball, it's well worth it. There were a lot of "wow!" moments. Jackie Robinson's shoes, Roberto Clemente's jersey, and all kinds of cool stuff like that.

I drove to Cooperstown from Westchester County, New York, where I had stayed the night before. You take Route 87 most of the way there. I saw a number of cars pulled over by the police. Every time, and I mean every time, the driver of the pulled-over car was black. It was an amazing "coincidence" considering that there weren't many black people on that road otherwise.

Wednesday, April 07, 2010

I'm Back

It's been a while since I've decreed anything my dear citizens. Why was I gone? Let's just say the Tajikistan Crisis took a lot out of me. You may have heard rumors about a car accident and a golf club. I don't want to get into that. All I'll say at this point is that I have not been true to my values and the behavior my nation deserves. I have let my citizens down and I regret those transgressions with all of my heart.

With that being said, let's dust off the old decree maker.

Today's decrees
A truly great nation must pay its dues. Our nation's beloved citizens are only allowed to go outside when the weather is nice if, and only if, they were outside when it wasn't.

Our new national currency will be chest hair.

The new wealthiest citizen of our great land is my grandmother.

Tuesday, April 06, 2010

The Tournament Championships

No one gave Gordon Hayward the script. He was supposed to make one of the those last two shots. But he played well. Matt Howard, however, did not. Duke was able to utilize their size, leading to numerous offensive rebounds and easy out-of-bounds-plays near the rim.

The tragedy of Butler's loss was that this team will be remembered as having a great run. Their might be an addendum, "They were for real." But that should be obvious. It doesn't need to be stated. Just because they played in the Horizon League, doesn't mean the question as to whether or not they were for real should be raised. Unfortunately, sweeping the Horizon League counts for less than going 11-5 in the Big 10 or the SEC. College basketball should reward winning. Butler is a winning team. But Duke came away with the title.

For me, women's basketball is like a freind that you only see once in a while, but it should be more frequently. Circumstances. UCONN's streak finally ended. The Huskies laid an egg in the first half against Stanford. But Maya Moore is so good. She put UCONN on her back and the team stormed back, costing to a relatively easy victory. But wait, didn't I say UCONN's streak ended? It did. Their streak of 77 consecutive wins... by double digits. UCONN won by 6.

Monday, April 05, 2010

The NCAA Finals

The men's final features schools names after professions that are indications of their respective statuses in basketball. Butler could be a low-level employee of Duke, the basketball nobles. Duke's main strength against Butler is their talent down low. They don't have any world beaters in the paint, but Butler can't match Duke's size. In fact, Butler has been lucky to avoid a team with Duke's size. Matt Howard, who has been terrible all tournament, must play well.

Butler is a great defensive team. They could struggle on offense. If they experience droughts as they did against Michigan State, they will lose. But I think they'll hang in. Duke could be overconfident. They shouldn't be. This team hasn't been here before either. I've got Butler winning a low-scoring affair.

On the women's side, I'm thoroughly impressed with Mya Moore and Tina Charles. Especially, Charles, who swished beautiful hooks with either hand against a gigantic defensive star in Brittney Griner. No one shoots hooks at all, let alone that smooth, let alone with either hand.

Sunday, April 04, 2010


This may have been the worst NBA game of all time. The 2009-2010 season's bloopers could be filled just from this game alone. The coup de grace was Andray Blatche throwing a hissy fit after Cartier Martin stole a missed jumper and in the process, Blatche's triple double attempt.

Blatche, who had double digit assists only because New Jersey refuses to guard the opponent when they're anywhere near the basket, started jumping up and down, flailing his arms. To Martin's credit, he theatrically pounded his head, quickly realizing his 'mistake.' Martin tried to apologize, but Blatche wouldn't hear of it. With time running out, Blatche even raced to the basket, presumably hoping to grab his own intentional miss. Thankfully, that never came about.

I was greeted outside the arena by a guy screaming about Jesus on a bullhorn. In the metro, the guy sitting directly behind me must have just been dumped. A clue came in the form of the lyrics of the song he was bellowing. At least, it's not like we were the only two people in the metro car.

Saturday, April 03, 2010

No Spring?

Doeesn't it feel like we skipped straight from Winter to Summer? Whatever happened to Spring? I blame the Chinese.

Thursday, April 01, 2010

10 Reasons Why Passover is Better than Easter

10. Easter doesn't make any sense
9. Easter is based on a lie
8. Bunnies, eggs, and peeps don't make any sense
7. Christians celebrate it
6. It celebrates Jesus Christ
5. The Pope covered up pedophilia
4. Mass on tv
3. Kneeling
2. Some places are closed on Easter
1. It's important to Pat Robertson

That being said, I think it's a wonderful holiday and Christians are lovely people.