Monday, July 29, 2013

Cleveland Park Walking Tour

A few years ago, DC transformed their police and fire call boxes into works of art that show the history of the various neighborhoods. The project is called Art on Call. Here's a list of Cleveland Park's 15 call boxes.

1. Roma Restaurant - The box is located at Macomb and Connecticut.
2. Commerce - The box is located at Ordway and Connecticut.
3. Broadmoor - The box is located at 3601 Connecticut Ave.
4. Tregaron - The box is located at Macomb and Ross Place.
5. Red Top - The box is located around Macomb and 35th.
(exact location TBD)
6. Queen Anne's Style - The box is located at 2941 Newark Ave.
7. Early Firefighting - The box is located around the 3300 block on Newark Ave.
(exact location TBD)
8. Sherman Cottages - The box is located at Highland and Ashley.
9. Rosedale - The box is located atNewark at 36th.
10. National Cathedral - The box is located around the 3500 block of Woodley Rd.
(exact location TBD)
11.  Bungalow - The box is located at Porter and 30th.
12. Map - The box is located at Porter and 35th.
13. Washington Ballet - The box is located around Wisconsin and Porter.
(the exact location TBD)
14. Flower -  The box is located at Idaho and Quebec.
15. Landscape - The box is located at Reno and Quebec.

The boxes are not numbered in an order conducive for going on a walk, so here is a suggested pattern instead:
Starting from Cleveland Park metro, see 2. Then, go south on Connecticut and make a right on Newark. See 6, 8, and 7. Make a left onto 34th Street and a left onto Macomb. See 4 and 1. Go south and get on Woodley Rd. See 10. Go north on 35th Street and see 5. Then, you make an arc towards the metro. This will lead you to (in order) 9, 13, 14, 12, 15, 11, and finally 3, which is a block north of the metro station. 

Monday, July 08, 2013

Journal Entry 7/8/2013

I went to the gym at the Moscow airport ready to ride the stationary bike. A former Dear and Fearless Leader must stay in shape. Plus, there isn't much else to do here. A man can only buy so many over-sized candy bars at the duty free shop.

When I went to the gym, there was an old man in a tracksuit on the only bike in the whole gym. But he wasn't using it, he was just sitting on it mesmerized by whatever was on television, I think it was the George Zimmerman trial. His left foot was not in the pedal strap and he pedaled maybe once a minute.

I was infuriated. If this had happened in my country, I would have done something about, it, but one thing I've learned while stuck in this airport is to not mess with an old Russian man in a tracksuit. So, I stood in the corner (for like 25 minutes!) letting out an occasional sigh while this fat inbred asshole occupied the bike! It's not like there weren't other televisions in the gym.

I read an article on the internet recently about my country. It seems my brother has turned the place into a living hell. It doesn't surprise me. Whenever we would play any sport or game as kids, he always needed to win or he'd throw a fit. The problem for him was that I'm older and I was better at everything than he was. So, there were a lot of fits.

Beyond my brother, I'm filled with concern for my country. I admit, I made some mistakes while in power. But my heart was always in the right place, which is more than I can say for some of my political opponents after they were tortured. I feel like I have to do something. But what can I do? I'm trapped in an airport that smells like musty beets, vodka, and piss. Bye for now!!!!!!

Friday, July 05, 2013

Trapped in Hell

It has been over a year since a coup took place in our land. The Dear and Fearless Leader was overthrown by his brother, the Feared and Peerless Leader. In that time, our rights as citizens have consistently been stripped.

You may not have heard much coming from our country since Rob Oakton penned a scathing report on conditions here after the coup. That is partly because Rob Oakton was found hung from a lamp post, devoid of his clothes, a stern message to potential critics callously carved into his bare torso. The words- words I see every time I close my eyes- read "Don't speak." Blood cascaded from Rob Oakton's naked body for all in the country to see.

Rob Oakton's family and closest friends were shipped to a concentration camp. No one knows more, but the horror stories we here from the camps are enough to make the majority of the population contemplate suicide just to avoid that dreadful fate.

So no one speaks. And the world is ignorant of our plight.

There is no electricity, so we can't possibly tell the world even if we wanted to. It's impossible to use a phone in the country. The power lines have been cut and the network has been blocked. We aren't able to watch television and the batteries necessary to listen to the radio have all been used up and there are no more available in stores. We have no idea what is happening int he world out there.

I hope this letter reaches someone who can publicize it. I can't begin to explain the path this letter must take for that to happen. Countless individuals are putting their lives, and those of their loved ones, at great risk.

Part of me dreams of the publicity that comes with being the one who notifies the world of this hell, but I don't dare put my name anywhere near this page. In fact, I've written this letter with gloves on so my fingerprints won't be anywhere near it.

If there is a god in heaven, please bring us a savoir and save us from this nightmare!

Wednesday, July 03, 2013

Journal Entry 7/3/2013

Wow, what a seven months it's been! Late last August, I was grocery shopping. I forgot to pay for a few thousand dollars worth of groceries I had picked out and a policeman came and stopped me. As it turns out, I apparently "fit the description" of a local rapist.

Let me explain what happened. I read an article online that it is very important in America to avoid falling into the "friendzone" with a woman. You can tell that's you're in the friendzone if a woman talks to you about her issues with other men, if she says, "You're such a good friend," or if she asks you for a ride to the airport. So, every time a woman would try to put me in the friendzone, I did everything I could to avoid that horrid area. The jury said that I was- unbeknownst to me- committing rape. I also embezzled $400 million dollars. This very journal was used as evidence to show my "infatuation and desire to rape."

But I have an amazing lawyer. His name is Don West. In his opening statement at my trial, Mr. West began, "Let me, at considerable risk, let me say, I’d like to tell you a little joke. I know how that may sound a bit weird, in this context, under these circumstances, but I think you’re the perfect audience for it. As long as you don’t, if you don’t like it, or you don’t think it’s funny or appropriate, that you don’t hold it against the former Dear and Fearless Leader. You can hold it against me, but not the former Dear and Fearless Leader."

He continued, "Here’s how it goes: Knock knock. Who’s there? The former Dear and Fearless Leader. The Former Dear and Fearless Leader who? All right. Good, you’re on the jury.”

Everyone was in stitches. The judge, the jury, the prosecution, the audience, everyone fell over laughing. There was a ten minute delay until everyone could catch their breaths. I think that was part of the reason why I only received six months for serial rape and massive embezzlement.

While in prison, I dispersed the fraudulent funds creating havoc in the U.S. Mass shootings, bombings, the NRA were all funded by me and my dirty money. As you might imagine, this created some tension between myself and the U.S.

Instead of holding a huge public hearing in which the U.S. would have to admit that it gave a deposed "vile dictator" refuge, I was deported from the country. I'm not welcomed home because my brother, the Feared and Peerless, would have me killed.

So, now I'm stuck in an airport in Moscow. No country will offer me asylum, not even Ecuador. A person can only eat so much borscht in a week. I'm going to have to think of a way out of this predicament. Bye for now!!!!!

Tuesday, July 02, 2013

Best of the NBA's Pacific

Here are my starting fives in the history of each franchise in the Pacific division. On the left are my subjective starting fives and on the right are the starting fives according to win shares.

Golden State Warriors
Position My 5 Win Shares 5
PG Tim Hardaway Tim Hardaway
SG Jeff Mullins Jeff Mullins
SF Rick Barry Paul Arizin
PF Joe Fulks Larry Smith
C Wilt Chamberlain Wilt Chamberlain

Los Angeles Clippers
Position My 5 Win Shares 5
PG Chris Paul Chris Paul
SG Randy Smith Eric Piatkowski
SF Lamar Odom Corey Maggette
PF Elton Brand Elton Brand
C Bob McAdoo Bob McAdoo

Los Angeles Lakers
Position My 5 Win Shares 5
PG Magic Johnson Magic Johnson
SG Jerry West Kobe Bryant
SF Elgin Baylor Elgin Baylor
PF Pau Gasol Vern Mikkelsen
C Kareem Abdul-Jabbar Kareem Abdul-Jabbar

Phoenix Suns
Position My 5 Win Shares 5
PG Steve Nash Kevin Johnson
SG Walter Davis Walter Davis
SF Connie Hawkins Shawn Marion
PF Charles Barkley Amar'e Stoudemire
C Amar'e Stoudemire Alvan Adams

Sacramento Kings
Position My 5 Win Shares 5
PG Oscar Robertson Oscar Robertson
SG Mitch Richmond Bobby Wanzer
SF Jack Twyman Jack Twyman
PF Jerry Lucas Jerry Lucas
C Wayne Embry Sam Lacey