Saturday, April 30, 2011

More Nats Spelling Mistakes

The Washington Nationals, the team that once had "Natinals" printed on its jersey and spelled the name of pitcher John Lannan wrong (Lannon), have done it again. In announcing a promo for seats with a view of the Capital building in the bottom of the 5th with two out in today's game, the screen read "Captial City."

Consider this my application to become the team's all-purpose editor.

Friday, April 29, 2011

The Tournament of Nonviolent Heroes - The Competition

Hello and welcome to the first round of the Tournament of Nonviolent Heroes, sponsored by Tide. We are preparing for our opening death match on our way towards determining the greatest nonviolent hero of all time. First up is an 8/9 contest between Petra Kelly and Kwame Nkrumah. The two competitors are...

Oh my word, what's this? All hell is breaking loose. I have never seen such a disgusting display of diplomatic discourse in all my days. This is a disaster! Martin Luther King and Oscar Romero are over in one corner discussing the Gospels. There is Gandhi and Rigoberto Menchu making light-hearted jokes at the expense of their oppressors. The empathy and compassion is palpable in this arena right now. It is impossible to hold a series of death matches in this kind of environment.

My career is ruined! I've lost my investors money. Now Harriet Tubman is trading harrowing stories with Nelson Mandela. No, don't do that! Fight each other to the death! How can this get any worse? What's that?

Someone just asked me if the proceeds from ticket sales will go to help Afghan orphans. Of course not! Get away from here. Oh, the humanity! I almost feel like dropping everything and moving to Zambia to help widows afflicted with AIDS. Almost. I think I'm going to wretch...

So that's the story from the aborted Tournament of Nonviolent Heroes, sponsored by Tide. The combatants have decided to band together to encourage peace and love for the entire human family. And as for me, I will be forced back into promoting celebrity boxing matches featuring Jose Canseco and Tonya Harding. Good night.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

The Tournament of Nonviolent Heroes - The Competitors

Sixteen competitors will engage in a single elimination battle-to-the-death tournament to determine the greatest nonviolent activist of all time. Let's meet the competitors.

1. Mohandas K. Gandhi - The Mahatma. Gandhi led the march towards India's independence from the British Empire which was finally achieved in 1947. Throughout Gandhi's movement, he preached ahimsa, nonviolence, in the face of Britain's barbarous colonial rule. He is famous for leading the Salt March, where Indians protested a new law making it illegal for them to make salt. Gandhi also made many trips to prison for his role in the independence movement. He fasted numerous times, risking his life, to create peace in India. He was assassinated by a Hindu fundamentalist because he called for unity among Hindus and Muslims.

2. Martin Luther King Jr. - The Rev. Dr. King led the Civil Rights Movement during the 1950s and 1960s by using nonviolent means to overturn racial segregation in the United States. He dreamed of a world where blacks would share social, political, and legal equality with whites. His oratory prowess shifted the silent masses onto his side. He also utilized marches and boycotts. He endured prison terms and beatings for his cause. He was assassinated because of his beliefs.

3. Nelson Mandela - Mandela was imprisoned for 27 years for advocating against Apartheid in South Africa. He envisioned a South Africa that was not divided by race. His imprisonment brought worldwide attention to his cause. He was finally released in 1990. He became president of a democratic South Africa in 1994. Since, he has been Africa's most prominent statesman, mediating numerous conflicts that have occurred on the continent.

4. Rigoberto Menchu - An indigenous Guatemalan peasant, Menchu has spoken out against the military's repression in her country. She is an advocate for the indigenous peoples of the world. She won the Nobel Peace Prize in 1992 and has written books about her life.

5. Harriet Tubman - Born a slave in the early 1820s, Tubman escaped to freedom. She then created the Underground Railroad, a system of escape for other enslaved black people in the southern United States. Her involvement in helping others escape slavery came at considerable risk to her own life. She later took on the cause of women's suffrage.

6. Oscar Romero - An archbishop in El Salvador, Romero was initially a proponent of the Salvadoran elite. When his friend, a priest, was assassinated, Romero took up the cause of the Salvadoran poor in the face of overwhelming violent oppression during the late 1970s. Romero developed a oneness with the poor of El Salvador. He was assassinated in 1980 after criticizing the army.

7. Steven Biko - Biko fought against South Africa's Apartheid state, espousing nonviolence and black consciousness. He led protests, including the Soweto Uprising of 1976, which was protesting the exclusion of African languages in schools. Biko was assassinated in 1977.

8. Petra Kelly - Kelly founded the Green Party in Germany in 1979, which became the first prominent Green Party in the world. She campaigned for nonviolence and took up the cause of the voiceless throughout the world. She was murdered in 1992.

9. Kwame Nkrumah - Nkrumah led a nonviolent movement for Ghana's independence against British colonialism. Ghana became the first independent African state in 1957 when Nkrumah became president.

10. The women of the Rosenstrasse protest - In February 1943, in the heart of Berlin, Germany, a group of gentile women protested the deportation of their Jewish husbands to concentration camps by the Nazi regime. The protest was successful and the men were returned to their wives.

11. Tank Man - Sometimes identified as Wang Weilin, the Tank Man stood in front of numerous tanks in Tiananmen Square in Beijing, China in 1989 as part of a pro-democracy protest taking place there. Virtually nothing is known about him. Rumors say he was executed shortly after the protest, but he could still be alive.

12. Mohamed Bouazizi - Bouazizi was a vendor who was harassed by the police in Tunisia in 2010. As a protest of the humiliation of the repressive regime, Bouazizi lit himself on fire. His courageous sacrifice sparked the nonviolent revolution in Tunisia which overthrew the government. This sparked other revolutions and protests against oppression throughout the Middle East.

13. Morgan Tsvangirai - Tsvangirai is a former trade union head, who founded a new opposition party called the MDC in Zimbabwe. He ran in two presidential elections in Zimbabwe in the hopes of ousting Robert Mugabe, the nation's violent dictator. Despite being victimized by vote rigging, beatings, and a treason trial based on fabricated evidence, Tsvangirai continued campaigning against Mugabe. He became Prime Minister in a government of national unity in 2009 and is credited with slowing the country's hyper-inflation.

14. Leo Tolstoy - Tolstoy was a 19th century writer from Russia who wrote novels that influenced Gandhi and King.

15. Susan B. Anthony - Anthony, from the United States, called for women's rights and for women's suffrage. She was once arrested in 1872 for attempting to vote. She gave speeches and wrote essays for her cause.

16. Albert Einstein - Though the discoverer of the atomic bomb, Einstein was avowedly nonviolent and di not know the purpose of his discovery when he split the atom. A genius, Einstein advocated a world with one government in the hopes that doing so would make war obsolete.

Please join us tomorrow for the First Round contests. Sixteen nonviolent heroes enter the death tournament, but only one will leave as the greatest nonviolent hero of all time!
Sponsored by Tide. The detergent that can get out even the most heroic blood stains.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Automatic Lock

I hate when people press that button to lock their car and it makes that loud beep when I'm walking by. You really can't lock the door manually if you see someone coming? Do you have to scare the hell out of me? It's some kind of insecurity disorder. You have try to control people with your oppressive beeping. It's a lack of empathy and compassion. Take that extra step and lock your door manually for the good of those around you. But no. You don't have the capability to think about others. You are a selfish prick. Fuck you!

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Boxing's Best Divisions

Stacked divisions in boxing come and go. This is intended to be a snapshot of boxing's best divisions.

Junior Welterweight:
Hopefully Amir Khan and Tim Bradley will fight for supremacy of the division this summer. Devon Alexander, Marco Maidana, Andriy Kotelnik, and Zab Judah and in the next group. Lamont Peterson, Lucas Matthysse, and Victor Cayo are capable as well. Erik Morales just had a good showing against Maidana at 140. Victor Ortiz just moved up to welterweight and won a belt. There's even talk that lightweight champion Juan Manuel Marquez might move up into this division. And they're all fighting each other!

Juan Manuel Lopez recently lost to veteran Orlando Salido, which temporarily puts a halt to the superfight in the division featuring Lopez and Yuriorkis Gamboa. But Chris John is an undefeated beltholder with some good wins, including over Juan Manuel Marquez. Marquez's younger brother, Rafael, gave Lopez a good fight at featherweight last Fall. Daniel Ponce De Leon has resurrected his career since a first round KO loss to Lopez in 2008. And Celestino Caballeros can make some noise in the division if he fights at 126.

The winner of Showtime's bantamweight tournament, if the final between Joseph Agbeko and Abner Mares takes place, could fight Nonito Donaire to determine the champion in this division. Vic Darchinyan got a much-needed impressive win over Yonnhy Perez last weekend. Fernando Montiel was blown out by Donaire last February, but he is a contender. Anselmo Moreno is also capable.

Super Middleweight:
Showtime's Super Six tournament is in the semifinal round. Andre Ward is the favorite, but the tournament has helped the stocks of Carl Froch and Glen Johnson as well. The winner of the Super Six would likely face Lucian Bute in order to determine the best in the division. Mikkel Kessler is also a good fighter. If Andre Dirrell gets healthy, he could also participate in big fights. This division is also linked with the light heavyweights where the champ Jean Pascal, Bernard Hopkins, Chad Dawson, and Tavoris Cloud fight. Middleweight champion Sergio Martinez might have to move up to 168 to find a major fight. Two undefeated British prospects, James Degale and George Groves, fight next month and Edwin Rodriguez is a hot American prospect.

Juan Manuel Marquez is the champion in this division. Humberto Soto is a beltholder. Robert Guerrero might be the best in the division. Brandon Rios is a force. Urbano Antillon is exciting to watch. So is Michael Katsidis. And the Miguels, Acosta and Vasquez, are good too.

This division is not deep. But both Klitschko brothers have legitimate challenges this summer. Wladimir will fight David Haye in July for the championship and Vitali will face Tomasz Adamek in September for a belt. Both fights could infuse excitement into the division.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Bye Bye Larranaga

Jim Larranaga left George Mason last week to become Head Coach at the University of Miami. I was devastated when I heard the news. For all its Nobel Prize winners, he really put the school on the map with his 2006 run to the Final Four.

With Larranaga at the helm, you always had confidence in Mason's team. He would figure it out. He'd press the right buttons. The team would be successful no matter what.

It's just a very sad and uncertain time for Mason's team. It's unfortunate because they have such a talented group returning. Hopefully, the school finds another diamond in the rough.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Down and Out

The Knicks went out in a flurry. But they had dug themselves too deep a hole. The Knicks were lethargic yet again in the first half of Game 4. Carmelo Anthony had the finest game of his professional career in Game 2. But his teams have a propensity to show lackluster effort in big games.

It is a stigma that dogs Carmelo. And it should. He does not show consistent effort on both sides of the ball. There are times when he is a monster running all over the court. But those times are too infrequent. That being said, the absence of Billups was huge. At one point, Billups stood up on the sidelines and began coaching Carmelo. In that moment I wished that Billups was the coach and D'Antoni was not.

Anthony Carter showed grit, but too many Knicks players had bad series. And with the stars not giving an all out effort in every moment, the Knicks never had a chance. It was disappointing. More disappointing than the sweep was the lack of effort. Hopefully that improves next season.

Friday, April 22, 2011

Disaster for the Knicks

Excitement was running high follow two heartbreaking looses in Boston against the Celtics. The Knicks were back home and Amar'e Stoudemire was slated to play. The crowd was amped.

But once the game started, the Celtics jumped out to a 22-5 lead. I decided to shed my road Larry Johnson jersey in favor of my home Ewing jersey. The Knicks reeled off an 11-1 run.

But New York simply didn't guard the three well enough. They turned the ball over too much and didn't work to get good shots. The result was a thorough beating in the Knicks' first home playoff game in seven years and a 3-0 deficit in the first round series.

Amar'e wasn't himself. Landry Fields has played minimally, and quite poorly when he is in. Chauncey Billups's injury has been devastating. Carmelo Anthony has been inconsistent in making his teammates better. All of that adds up to a tough series thus far.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Power, Corruption, and Justification

The cliché is that power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely. But that is an over-simplification. It is the ability to justify one's actions that is the central aspect of the corruption of power. President Obama has increased troop levels in Afghanistan and has attacked Libya, both of which have caused death. But President Obama can justify these actions by claiming that they are helping more people than they are hurting. He doesn't perceive himself as being an accomplice to murder. The same is true of the most devious dictator.

And therein lies power's corruption. It isn't that power corrupts; it's that human beings have the ability to justify their actions no matter how heinous.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

College Players in the NBA Predictions Update

We predicted which college players would have the better NBA careers for the fifth time this season. Here is an update of 2007, 2008, and 2009 changes in ranking from last year and a full report from our 2010 predictions. Here's last year's update. * indicates that it's debatable.

Update of 2007 Predictions (Best players from left to right)
Joakim Noah, Roy Hibbert, Greg Oden.
Brandan Wright*, Julian Wright*.
Arron Afflalo, Corey Brewer.

Gerald Henderson, Wayne Ellington.
Michael Beasley, O.J. Mayo, Bill Walker.
Kevin Love, Brook Lopez, Roy Hibbert, Tyler Hansbrough.
Bill Walker, Damion James*, DuJuan Summers*.

Stephen Curry, Jrue Holiday*, Darren Collison*, Ty Lawson, Toney Douglas, Jonny Flynn, Eric Maynor.
Blake Griffin, DeJuan Blair, Tyler Hansbrough, Larry Sanders, Derrick Brown, Hasheem Thabeet.

John Wall, Jordan Crawford, Evan Turner.
Greivis Vasquez*, Quincy Pondexter*, James Anderson**, Damion James**.
Wesley Johnson, Luke Harangody, Dominique Jones, Da'Sean Butler, Jeremy Hazell (college).
DeMarcus Cousins, Derrick Favors, Cole Aldrich, Omar Samhan.
Greg Monroe, Austin Freeman (college), Chris Wright (college).

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Carmelo's Big Night

With Chauncey Billups out for the game, and Amar'e Stoudemire leaving early, the Knicks' chances to tie the series did not look good. Carmelo had his finest game as a pro, but it wasn't enough by a sliver.

The Celtics took an 11 point lead in the third quarter and the Knicks were searching for offense. Then the gong went off. Carmelo took over and couldn't be stopped. When the Celtics double teamed him, he found the open man. It wasn't successful every possession, but it was better than forcing deep jumpers with two men covering him.

Carmelo even rebounded. In addition to a career playoff high of 42 points, he added 17 rebounds, also a career playoff high. But the Knicks came up just short. Down by one, Carmelo made a great pass to Jared Jeffries, who had just made a spectacular move to take the lead on the previous possession. Unfortunately, Jeffries fumbled the ball and Garnett came away with it.

It appeared that Garnett rolled around on the floor with the ball, which is a travel. His timeout wasn't recognized until after he began rolling. It was just another bad call made in this series and in the playoffs as a whole. During the NCAA Tournament, Jeff Van Gundy thanked the lord for the NBA officials. He was right; the referees in the Tournament were dreadful. But the NBA refs have struggled thus far in the playoffs. In this series, the refs called a bogus offensive foul on Anthony and then didn't call a moving screen on Garnett, which led to the winning shot.

In Game 2, the refs missed a clear backcourt violation on Roger Mason. They also missed numerous fouls that should've been called on Big Baby Davis in the fourth. Carmelo was called for a foul even though Garnett was clearly setting a moving screen in the same quarter. Hopefully, the officiating improves.

Monday, April 18, 2011

A Passover Hypothetical

I wonder if it's a bad sign if the guy cooking for Seder stuffs himself with Indian buffet beforehand? That probably wouldn't fill one with confidence.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

The Knicks were Robbed

With the Knicks up one and just over 20 seconds to go, Carmelo Anthony was called for a bullshit offensive foul. Paul Pierce was draped all over him as if Pierce was hoping for a piggyback ride. Anthony used a swim move to relieve himself of Pierce. Anthony's move was a foul, but Pierce fouled him first. The ref called the response instead of the initial action.

The bad call hurt the Knicks badly. Ray Allen hit a three. The Knicks had no timeouts and with Chauncey Billups out with an injury, the offense was disorganized. Anthony thre up a contested shot from long range that missed.

An early for three by Anthony rimmed out. Amar'e missed two late free throws. I knew both would come back to haunt the Knicks. But Amar'e made two incredible plays with fewer than three minutes remaining in the game. One was a spinning whirling lay up. The other was a dunk over Jermaine O'Neal that I didn't think went in at first.

The Knicks deserved to win this game. But one referee decided otherwise. It's unfortunate.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Big Kid

I was shooting some hoops on one of those tiny Fresh Prince-type outdoor courts. There's a field next to the court and it was occupied by a bunch of 4-year olds at soccer practice. After their practice, a gang of 4 year olds saw me shooting around and were intrigued.

They came over to watch and quickly took over the court. I had to stop shooting because I didn't want the ball to plunk one of the kids on the head. One of the mothers tried to clear the court for me saying, "Let's go home, because this big kid was playing."

Big kid? I'm not a big kid!

I'm a small man.

Friday, April 15, 2011

2011 NBA Playoff Predictions

Chi over Ind 4-0 - Orl over Chi 4-2 - Orl over NY 4-3
Orl over Atl 4-1
Mia over Phi 4-2 - NY over Mia 4-3
NY over Bos 4-2

SA over Mem 4-0 - SA over Den 4-3 - LAL over SA 4-2
Den over OKC 4-3
LAL over NO 4-1 - LAL over Por 4-2
Por over Dal 4-3

2011 NBA Finals
LAL over Orl 4-0

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Bold Predictions

Anyone can make obvious predictions. Only the truly prophetic can make Bold Predictions.
  • An NBA player will receive a blowjob from a woman with a reputation for promiscuity at some juncture in the near future.
  • Donald Trump will say something with little or no merit.
  • Charlie Sheen will commit an irrational act.
  • My grandmother will gripe about the weather.
  • Paris Hilton's syphilis will act up in the coming months.
  • A professional soccer player will plummet to the ground despite receiving no provocation.
  • I will face crippling rejection in some aspect of life.
  • The United States will start another war with a country that poses no threat to national security, but does possess oil.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Inappropriate Penis Tattoos

"R.I.P." so and so
Tribal cock band
"Open wide"
Anything with more than two letters (but maybe that's just mine)
"Insert finger ->"
A picture of your child
Really, any tattoo

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

The Changing Nats

The Nats are 5-5 so far in 2011. Unlike in years past, this doesn't feel like a fluke. The times they are a'changing for the Nats. Instead of doing the little things terrible, they thrive at that aspect of the game. An extra base here, a safety squeeze there.

Jayson Werth has helped to change the culture. He hasn't been great statistically, but he has done the little things. And it has rubbed off. Danny Espinosa, Wilson Ramos, and even Ian Desmond have taken Werth's cue. Veterans such as Ivan Rodriguez, Ryan Zimmerman, and Rick Ankiel have also been solid in doing the little things as well.

The starting pitchers have been good, but the back of the bullpen is the real story. Between Clippard, Burnett, and Storen, the fear that the Nats will find a way to blow it late has vanished. It could be the start of something exciting for Nats fans. Now, let's not fuck it up.

Monday, April 11, 2011

My Interview with the Dear and Fearless Leader

BW: Welcome. My name is Bahbwa Wawas. Tonight we talk with the Dear and Fearless Leader. Hello.
DFL: Hello Bahbwa.
BW: There have been weports that your people aw angwy. They aw pwotesting on the stweets. How aw you feewing wight now?
DFL: Feeling good, Bahbwa. I've been going for runs. I've asked my chefs to cook a little bit healthier for me. I'm really in good shape. My chest hair is at its peak lushness.
BW: Vewy good. I hear that you aw quite the wadies man. Do you have your eyes on anyone specific at the moment?
DFL: Well Bahbwa, I'm quiet taken by your grace and style right now. Your eyes have hypnotized me as well.
BW: Oh my. You aw weally a smooth talkah. Many have accused you of tawtooing your wivals. They say you aw bawbaywic. They say you aw a bwute. What aw your hobbies?
DFL: I enjoy ruling my country in a fair and just manner. As you've mentioned, I like the ladies. And I like basketball. Why did LeBron James abandon Cleveland like that? See, that was a current reference that will help me convince the youth that I'm not a bad guy.
BW: Gweat. How do you feel about Amewica? What is your message to Amewica?
DFL: America needs to follow the example of our nation. Our political leaders are able to work together for the good of our people. We are the true embodiment of your creed "E Pluribus Unum." Our political leaders do not succumb to corruption or embarrassing sex scandals. Our political leaders are too busy proving their devotion to the nation and its leader. They would do anything to please their leader, thereby honoring the nation and its people.

Today's decrees
All citizens are required to study my interview with Bahbwa Wawas. Consider the transcript one of the Essential Texts along with my The Tiny Teal Book.

Well, let's only consider the part of the interview reproduced above as an Essential Text. The rest of the interview, um, was pretty much just a sex tape between me and the octogenarian interviewer. Kind of embarrassing. I kept mistaking wrinkle folds for a hole.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Boxing Wishlist

These are some matches that intrigue me. Not all of them are feasible, unfortunately.

Manny Pacquiao vs. Floyd Mayweather
Everyone wants this fight. It's the best pound-for-pound fighter in the world against the second best. It would bring sports fans back to boxing. I'd also like to see Pacquiao face Sergio Martinez at 154 or Mayweather vs. Paul Williams.

Wladimir Klitchko vs. Vitali Klitchko
The PhD-holding brothers are the two best heavyweights and are rated as the 4th and 6th best pound-for-pound fighters on my list. But, even though it would be for the undisputed heavyweight championship of the world and would make the brothers millions of dollars, they've vowed never to fight one another. I love my brother very much, but I'd punch him in the face right now for free.

Juan Manuel Lopez vs. Yuriorkis Gamboa
An exciting potential featherweight match that could and should be part of a series of fights between the two young explosive stars. Chris John and Celestino Caballero are two other top featherweights.

Timothy Bradley vs. Amir Khan
This match between Bradley, who I have as 7th best pound-for-pound, and Khan would be for the legitimate junior welterweight crown as they are the two best fighters in the division. This contest could take place this summer.

Nonito Donaire vs. Joseph Agbeko
Donaire is 8th on my pound-for-pound list, though many rate him higher. Agbeko would have to beat Abner Mares in the finals of Showtime's bantamweight tournament, but Agbeko has done better than Mares against common opponents, Yonny Perez and Vic Darchinyan. Donaire-Akbeko would be for bantamweight supremacy. If Mares beats Agbeko, I'd like to see him face Donaire.

Robert Guerrero vs. Brandon Rios
This match wouldn't feature the two best lightweights... yet. Juan Manuel Marquez is the legitimate lightweight champ and the winner of Humberto Soto vs. Urbano Antillon would also be considered a top lightweight. But Guerrero-Rios would be a contest between a skilled and powerful southpaw against a pressure fighter with tremendous will, which would produce an exciting fight in my mind.

Lucian Bute vs. Carl Froch
Most people believe Andre Ward will win Showtime's Super Six tournament and then should face Bute to determine the best super middleweight in the world. I concur. It would be an interesting fight, but I can't see it being an entertaining one. Bute-Froch, however, assuming Froch wins the Super Six, would be a far more thrilling fight to watch.

David Haye vs. Tomasz Adamek
This fight would feature two former legitimate cruiserweight champions, who are both skilled fighters. It would be one of the few heavyweight bouts worth watching in the past decade. Unfortunately, both are being fed to the lions, otherwise known as the Klitchko brothers.

Please boxing, make them happen!

Saturday, April 09, 2011

Gandhi on the Beltway

I was driving on 495, listening to my CD of assorted Gandhi quotes and speeches.

An ideal is one thing; living up to it is quite another. *BEEP!* Hey asshole, stay in your own lane! We may be said to have an ideal only when we put forth an effort to realize it. You nearly killed me. Fuck you! There are many causes that I am prepared to die for, but no causes that I am prepared to kill for. That's it, you're dead, you dick! Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will. Learn to drive, fucking old lady. There is not a single offense which does not directly or indirectly, affect many others besides the actual offender. I'm going to run you out of your lane. The policy of retaliation has never succeeded. That's right, run away, pussy. When a man gives way to anger, he harms himself. *Sigh.*

Thursday, April 07, 2011

The New Terror Alert System

The Department of Homeland Security has done away with the silly color code terror alert system and has come up with a new plan that gives the American public a better indication of what to expect with regards to a given terror alert level.

Terror Alert Level 1: If you see a picture of Charlie Sheen, we are at Terror Alert Level 1, also known as Terror Alert Level Charlie Sheen.
What this means: This means that all hell is breaking loose in the rest of the world, for example, in Japan, the Middle East, and Cote d'Ivoire, but we'd rather not deal with America's role in it all, so we'll focus on making fun of a celebrity experiencing a hard time.

Terror Alert Level 2: If you see a picture of a shark biting Gary Condit's penis, we are at Terror Alert Level 2, also known as Terror Alert Level Shark Biting Gary Condit's Penis.
What this means: This means that America has become so comfortable as to become complacent, which will allow for a history-changing tragedy. Place your bets.

Terror Alert Level 3: If you see a picture of George Bush in full fighter pilot regalia with a huge cod piece, we are at Terror Alert Level 3, also known as Terror Alert Level George Bush in Full Fighter Pilot Regalia with a Huge Cod Piece.
What this means: We are at war and it's going to be a long one, probably with a nation that poses us no threat, but still, your friends and family in the military will likely die. You can take solace in the fact that at least their impending deaths were needless.

Terror Alert Level 4: If you see a picture of Rudi Giuliani's bald spot, we are at Terror Alert Level 4, also known as Terror Alert Level Rudi Giuliani's Bald Spot.
What this means: A terror attack has just occurred. Be vigilant.

Terror Alert Level 5: If you see a picture of clumps of shit running down a leg, we are at Terror Level 5, also known as Terror Alert Level Clumps of Shit Running Down a Leg.
What this means: The world is about to end. Don't be vigilant; it's time to panic! Have sex with your hot relatives, kill your enemies, it doesn't matter anymore, we're all going to die!

See how simple and easy it is to decipher meaning from the New Terror Alert System? Don't you feel better already!

We are currently at Terror Alert Level Charlie Sheen.
Don't watch the BBC, it'll be depressing!

Tuesday, April 05, 2011

The Anti-Semitic Test

This test will help determine whether or not you are anti-Semitic. Pass it on to your friends! Whip it out at parties (the test, that is)! Take it to school!

1. Which do you hate more, Jews or sunny summer days?

2. Which Nazi do you like better, Himmler or Goebbels?

3. Regarding David Berkowitz, the Son of Sam killer, Do you...
a) excuse his murderous behavior because he's a Jew?
b) condemn him as an immoral serial killer?

4. If you could kill one Jew and get away with it, who would it be?

5. Regarding Jon Stewart of The Daily Show, Do you think...
a) he's good, but I like Jay Leno better?
b) he's bad, and I like Jay Leno better?

6. What is your favorite Holocaust joke?

7. A rabbi, a priest, and an imam walk into a bar, what do you do?

8. Finish this lyric: "The garbage, guns, and snipers are what they're fighting through, so all these wars that happen are all because of..."

9. What is "Jew time"?

10. If you were spray-painting a swastika on a Jew's house, what color would you use?

Check below for results.

If you answered any of these questions, you are anti-Semitic.

Monday, April 04, 2011

Defense Wins Championships

Both Butler and UCONN played tremendous defense in the first half. Few turnovers were committed, but numerous contested shots were taken. UCONN's superior length and athleticism enabled them to block several Butler shots. This left Butler skittish when it came time to shoot.

Still, Butler led at the half by the score of 22-21. In the second half, Butler's shooter woes went from bad to worse. They were clearly shaken by UCONN's defense, even when they were slightly open. UCONN managed to force Butler to take open shots from tough positions on the floor. Butler's field goal shooting hit historic lows. UCONN led 31-26 after a run led by Jeremy Lamb. At the point, the five point lead felt almost insurmountable.

Kemba Walker, UCONN's star, was not as bad as everyone else, particularly Shelvin Mack and Matt Howard, Butler's two stars who were unable to make anything. Butler still played solid defense in the second. UCONN managed just 30 points, including a spurt when Butler uncharacteristically played zone attempting to force turnovers and translate them into easy buckets. The zone was unsuccessful, one of coach Brad Stevens's only mistakes during the tournament.

In the end, UCONN won 53-41.

Sunday, April 03, 2011

Pass the Ball, Carmelo!

When I watch the Denver Nuggets, I find myself not only reminiscing, but wishing. I wish the Knicks were the Nuggets. They are two deep at every position. They have guys who fill roles, scorers, shooters, defenders, rebounders. They share the ball. A guy might have a great game one night and not play much the next. It doesn't matter to this version of the Nuggets. If they play Oklahoma City in the first round, they might beat them.

Then there's my beloved Knicks. With Felton, Gallinari, and Chandler, the Knicks were a bottom half playoff team... this year. But they had depth. They also had guys who could score on a given night. You had to focus on more than just two or three guys when you played the Knicks.

That being said, the Knicks can still be a very good team, even this year. They could upset the Heat or the Bulls in the first round. Carmelo is a great scorer. But he's a volume shooter. He often chooses to take contested shots rather than pass to the open man. It's not that he should be a passer and not a scorer. He should still shoot a ton. But he just needs to find the open man a bit more.

He averages three assists per game, which is not terrible. He's a little better than Kevin Durant. But, as is the case with Durant, he doesn't directly make his teammates better. He's not in the class of Kobe; Wade, or LeBron. His increased passing should result in an average of about four to five assists per game as much as he touches the ball. I'd love to see him play pick and roll with Amar'e, but perhaps that's wishful thinking.

If Carmelo wants to be a championship level player, he must be more unselfish on the floor. It's not about him. It's about the team. If the team wins, the accolades will come.

Saturday, April 02, 2011

Recap of the Final Four

Butler won tonight because of defense and rebounding. VCU had success in the tournament because of their plethora of players who can shoot from the perimeter. Butler was able to shut most of them down. Burgess played well in the beginning, but Rodriguez never got off. Rozzell also couldn't get on track. Only Jamie Skeen played well offensively for VCU, which was the case when they lost this season.

Butler did not do well when Wisconsin pressed at the end of their Sweet Sixteen contest. They also turned over the ball early against VCU's press. But they managed to settle down and protect the ball. Between rebounding well and limiting turnovers, VCU needed a diversified attack. As mentioned earlier, it didn't materialize tonight.

In the first half against UCONN, Kentucky took too many quick shots. They settled down by the second half. But their lack of depth and their poor free throw shooting was the difference. Back in the 2006 Elite Eight game between UCONN and George Mason, Mason essentially utilized only five players. The under-eight timeout didn't come until there was less than four minutes. An exhausted Patriots squad benefitted from having two long television breaks in a row.

Tonight, Kentucky found themselves in a similar position as Mason was in five years before. The Wildcats go with six players. The five on the floor were drained by the time the under eight timeout came, with less than three minutes left in the game. The under four timeout didn't come until there was less than a minute to go. Kentucky was gassed by that point and went through a drastic drought during that stretch.

While Kentucky shot far better than UCONN from three point range, they failed badly at the free throw line. This was crucial. The biggest free throws were missed during that long stretch when the under eight timeout wouldn't come. With tired legs, Kentucky wasn't hitting from the field. But the missed free throws were killers.