Paying Full Price

My fellow citizens, I want to thank you for leaving Liberation Quadrilateral, so that we can try and renovate it into a Square. I can't stand those Bahrainiacs laughing at us. You see, dolling out $20 to each protestor and utilizing a gang of spontaneously hired thugs are two ways to quell protests.

As you surely remember, I decreed last Thursday that my book, The Tiny Teal Book, would be 20% off. Many of you took advantage of the sale to purchase the mandatory work of genius the New Yorker called, "Certainly, it is in book form, the cover is teal, and it is tiny."

What you clearly forgot was that it is a felony to buy it for less than full price. I apologize for my apparent deception, but it was necessary to weed out the frugal followers from the truly devoted. Now, here are more excerpts from the book.

Quotations from The Tiny Teal Book
"Lonely criminals break the law just so they can be wanted."

"When you protest against your leader, you are really just protesting against yourself."

"Democracy is a lot like women, I tend to rape them both."

"I have a dream that one day little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls and accept the will of their oppressor. I have a dream today!"

"I fancy curvaceous posteriors and I shall not fib."

Correction: An Ugly Rumor

My fellow citizens, I have been informed by my Washington-based PR firm, Weinberger & Brack, that I do not in fact eat people because they're delicious. In fact, I've been told that I don't eat people at all. So there you go.

Also, remember to buy my The Tiny Teal Book available at Amazon.com for $12.95. You can also get it for less from eBay, but it's a felony to sell The Tiny Teal Book or buy it for less than full price, so maybe you shouldn't do that.

Quotations from The Tiny Teal Book
"Ask not what your country can do for you you selfish motherfucker."

"The greatest gift you can give your nation is a bunch of hot daughters."

"Work will set you free. A lot of work. Like a lifetime's worth."

"Don't bite the hand that feeds you... unless it's delicious."

An Ugly Rumor

A vicious rumor that holds absolutely no validity has been spreading about me, my dear citizens. People have claimed that your Dear and Fearless Leader eats people who disagree with him politically. Let me repeat, that is simply not true! I eat people because they're delicious. Political bent has nothing to do with it. It's absurd to think it does.

Remember, my The Tiny Teal Book is still on sale at all Amazon.com locations for $12.95.

Quotations from The Tiny Teal Book
"You've got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em. Especially when you're playing cards with me; I'm a sore loser with a lot of power."

"I'm going to Disney Land... thanks to your hard earned tax dollars. It's great to be in charge!"

Some say 'luck is when preparation meets opportunity.' I say luck is being next person in the buffet line when I feel full."

Excerpts for the Tiny Teal Book

My fellow citizens, I see you protesting out in the streets. Before you act rashly, please hear me out. The Tunisian people gave Zine El Abidine Ben Ali 23 years in office. It's taken 30 years for the Egyptians to say enough is enough to Hosni Mubarak. I've barely had a fraction of that time in power. I mean, c'mon. Even Obama's been in office longer than I have. Just give me a chance to deserve your ire before you throw me out.

Now that that's settled, it's time for some more quotations from my The Tiny Teal Book ($12.95 at Amazon.com and WalMart). Remember, The Tiny Teal Book has made all other forms of knowledge and wisdom obsolete.

Quotations from The Tiny Teal Book
"What are snowmen but white supremacists with warmer hearts."

"When I was in college in the United States, I used to dress up like the American Uncle Sam, point at women, and scream 'I want you!' It never worked. So I became a dictator. Now I have women falling at my feet whether they want to or not."

"That's why I say it's the ballot or the bullet. If you don't vote for me on the ballot, well, you know the rest."

The Tiny Teal Book

My fellow citizens, I know you are familiar with my many insightful decrees. I bet you've been wondering, 'I wish I could have the Dear and Fearless Leader's infinite wisdom in colorful little book form.'

Well fair subjects, here it is. My The Tiny Teal Book. It's available at Amazon.com for $12.95. Possession of The Tiny Teal Book is mandatory at all times.

Quotations from The Tiny Teal Book
"Since all good things come to an end, don't even start."

"It doesn't matter if the glass is half full or half empty; if you drink it all, the glass will be completely empty."

"'It's six of one, half a dozen of the other' is not a pithy line. I don't like it."

"If you torture someone in a secret prison in Eastern Europe, do they make a sound?"

"If it takes one to know one, do you know one?"

"Do you know where you're going to? You're going to jail if you don't buy my book!"