Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Not Fighting for My Freedom

I don't accept that killing poor people in Afghanistan is fighting for my freedom. Especially when that war is used to justify the counter-terrorism provision in the NDAA, the Patriot Act, and the indefinite detention of U.S. citizens at Guantanamo.

Monday, January 30, 2012

A Football Survey

Recently, there was a surprising survey in which married women had to choose who they would sleep with, Eli Manning or Tom Brady, and they shockingly chose... me.

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Death in the Campaign

My fellow citizens, it is with great sadness that I announce the sudden death of former presidential candidate Ronna Paulo, who was suffocated to death when aborted fetuses were jammed down her throat. Ms. Paulo was a champion of freedom, democracy, and human rights. her voice will be sorely missed. In her memory, we will cancel all of the other scheduled debates.

Unfortunately, we had one candidate at last night's debate who did not show the same kind of devotion to these qualities that did Ms. Paulo. Willard Newton said that Ms. Paulo should be "disposed" at last night's debate. So, Willard Newton will pay the price in the name of freedom, democracy, and human rights.

Today's degrees
Here is Willard Newton, bound and shackled. First, let's mess up his perfectly quaffed hair with the shades of gray on the tips of his sideburns that kind of looks like a toupee.

Next, stomp him in the nuts.

Ok, now let's have the judo master come over and put his fat face in your vice-like grip.

Yeehaw! Now let's rip his dick off, sprinkle some beet sugar on it, and send that shit to the moon! This is what happens when someone tries to undermine the freedom, democracy, and human rights we all hold dear.

Saturday, January 28, 2012

The Debate

Hello and welcome to tonight's presidential debate. I'm your moderator Bernard Shaw. Yep, this is what happened to me. Now, let's welcome our candidates onto the stage. First is Willard Newton. Next is Betty Buxom. Our next candidate is Obotu Chiluba. Coming out now we have Ronna Paulo. And we've saved the best for last, here he is, the Dear and Fearless Leader.

Shaw: Dear and Fearless Leader, how are you doing?
DFL: Pre-tty pre-tty pre-tty pre-tty good, Bernie. Thanks for asking.
Shaw: You are most welcome, your holiness. Now, let's turn to Mr. Newton. What is your plan to turn around the economy?
Newton: First of all, let me say that the Dear and Fearless Leader has done a wonderful job with the economy. Personally, I have no ideas on how to improve it. If the Dear and Fearless Leader has some ideas, then I would agree with them. Otherwise, I would leave the economy as it is.
Shaw: How about you, Ms. Buxom? How would you stimulate the economy? And might I say that is a rather revealing and ravishing dress you're wearing.
Buxom: Well, tee-hee, I know a little something about stimulating things, isn't that right Dear and Fearless Leader? I made his stock rise high.... and hard. (She winks and blows the Dear and Fearless Leader a kiss)
Shaw: Dear and Fearless Leader, rebuttal?
DFL: Not now bitch, my family's here!
Shaw: Dr. Chiluba, what do you think of the state of the nation? We've had a failed war, a crumbling economy, and opponents have disappeared. Of course, none are the fault of the Dear and Fearless Leader who will guide us out of this mess.
Chiluba: I think the nation is strong. I don't anything about a failed war. I know we defeated those Tajik devils. I think the economy is doing well. Just look at how well the Dear and Fearless Leader is doing. He is very rich! We have no opponents disappear, only enemies. I think the Dear and Fearless Leader is doing swell.
Paulo: Bernard, can I say something here. The Dear and Fearless Leader has destroyed this country. We've seen protests in the streets. To cover up his mistakes and quell the protests, he started a phony war that turned out to be a disaster. We were attacked on May 6 and our leader has used that attack to distract us from our nation's real problems. If anyone speaks against him, they are killed. I cannot sit here in silence. Or worse yet, go along with this administration. We need a revolution. I hope these elections are free and fair. The people will vote out the leader if they are. And...
Shaw: Time. Ok, time for a commercial break.

Shaw: And we're back.
Newton: Bernie, the vitriol we heard before the break from Ronna was uncalled for. I suggest that we dispose of her, Dear and Fearless Leader.
DFL: No. This is a free country. This election is free and fair. Allow me to make a decree.
Newton, Buxom, Chiluba: Bless you Dear and Fearless Leader. We would be honored.

Today's decrees
All candidates for the presidency shall speak their minds in the name of freedom, democracy, and human rights.

This debate is hereby over. I need to discuss some, ahem, policy issues with Ms. Buxom in the back.

Friday, January 27, 2012

The HarazQuack Effect: Jordan Crawford

We all know that Nick Young plays much better when I go to the game. But did you know that Jordan Crawford also goes crazy when I see him play live? Now you do.

When I go to the game, Crawford averages 22.7 ppg, 4.3 apg, shoots 51.1% FG, 54.4% 3PT, and 92.9% FT.

When I don't go to the game, Crawford averages 13.6 ppg, 3.2 apg, shoots 38% FG, 22.9% 3PT, and 82.1% FT with the Wizards.

Where are my free season tickets, Jordan?

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Wizards vs. Bobcats

This was the worst NBA game I've ever seen in person. It was worse than the Blatche near-triple double vs. the nets two years ago that I went to myself. This game had 42 turnovers and 26 (yes, 26!) blocks. Most of the blocks were stupid offensive players throwing the ball into the hands of the defender.

it looked like one of those little kids games they play at halftime where no one gets a shot off for 5 straight possessions until some kid pulls up and airballs a deep three. it was a blowout too. My friend and I were amazed at how the Wizards could have built such a big lead while playing so terribly.

It was a shame for the sport of basketball. Really, I should get my money back it was so poorly played. At one point, my friend and I were trying to determine which was worse, this game or the Holocaust. We finally decided on the Holocaust because so many people died in such a horrific fashion, but one thing the Holocaust has going for it is there were no inflatable mascots dancing.

Monday, January 23, 2012

My Night at the Roseland Ballroom

I walked into the Roseland Ballroom with my blue wristband, indicating that I was a member of the media. I walked into the cozy room and took it all in, sitting mere feet from the boxing ring. Finally, I asked an usher where I could go. He said, "Well, I know the blue wristband means you can go in here." He was talking about being inside the metal gates that separate the immediate ringside from the rest of the room. My eyes widened.

But he wanted to check. He asked a more senior usher who pointed to a table just outside of the metal gate. I stalked the table, noticing recognizable names and saw "Thomas Hauser," Mike Coppinger," and "Mitch Abramson." But I couldn't find my own.

I asked another usher and he advised me to ask the box office guys. They told me there was a row in the back on the stage. I informed the clueless ushers who thanked me profusely for clearing up the confusion. So, the seats weren't ringside, but they were pretty great... and free! Pretty good for a guy who started a blog about Jewish boxers two years ago, which, by the way, has been rated as the seventh best ethnic-specific boxing blog on the internet by Made Up Boxing Magazine.

In the first fight, Alex Perez KOed an over-matched and much-smaller Josh Sosa. It would be the only KO of the night. The next fight involved two women heavyweights. Both were listed as over 200 pounds. Being only two thirds of their weight fostered some weird attraction to them within me. It turned out to be an entertaining scrap that correctly ended in a draw. I thought Carlette Ewell won the first three rounds and the hometown favorite, Sonya Lamonakis, won the final three. When the decision was announced, Ewell despicably taunted Lamonakis. It made me sad for the state of boxing.

Thomas Hardwick, an affable man of great popularity if not talent, earned a decision over the winless Richard Mason. I've watched both fight before. Last May, Hardwick took on an opponent who didn't want to be there and had trouble getting rid of him. Mason has some talent, but his performances were uneven both times I've watched him. If he was the least bit consistent, he wouldn't be half-bad.

The next fight was half of the reason why I was there. Ran Nakash, the Israeli former title challenger, dominated nearly every second of his fight against the tough Derek Bryant. Danny McDermott and Terry Butterbaugh fought to a draw. I've watched Butterbaugh fight before also. He is awkward and sometimes looks out of place in the ring. At other times, the kilt-wearing fighter shows some ability. He's 1-0-1 when I'm in the audience.

Hot prospect Luis Del Valle had a less-than-stellar showing against veteran Jose Angel Beranza. Newt Gingrich won South Carolina and I took care of my Fantasy Prez stuff. Then, Boyd Melson fought Sean Rawley Wilson and won in Ran Nakash-like fashion. I missed most of the Monaghan-Bailey fight writing up the Nakash and Melson bouts. Much of the crowd left afterwards, an indication of Monaghan's extensive and passionate following.

In theory, I'm against ring card girls. I feel it's demeaning to women and brings out the worst in men. In reality, the blonde girl smiled at me!

In the main event, DeMarcus "Chop Chop" Corley fought Gabriel "Tito" Bracero. I was rooting for the DC-native, Corley, who was a heavy underdog. Bracero was undefeated and fighting at home. Chop Chop was on a 6-fight losing streak and had lost 8 of his last 9 bouts. I was his only fan in the room.

Corley managed to hurt Bracero early and often. He knocked down Tito three times. In the eighth, the light-punching Bracero buckled Corley. Referee Eddie Claudio called it a knockdown. After the round, I shook my head in disgust at the ref when he glanced in my direction. But Corley won by unanimous decision, although the scores were way too close. Corley ended up winning because of the knockdowns.

After driving up to New York all afternoon in some kind of rainy slush, it was time to head home. There was the walk to the subway. The realization that I had somehow entered the right and wrong subway entrance (right line, wrong direction). The subway took me to Penn Station, which I walked around several times before finding the NJ Transit area. The train took me to Metropark.

At this point it was 2am. I traversed the Metropark parking lot. I had written my parking space "3327" on the ticket. I found "3369" and then "3367." I figured that would take me to my car. I followed the numbers despite not seeing any car in the row. I found "3329." The next space was marked "4327." I badmouthed the arbitrary numbering and raced one level below. It was 5:30am when I got home from a great night of boxing.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Blame Wizards Fans

The Wizards suck. The reason they suck is very simple. It's the fans fault. Yeah, I said it.

I attend the Wizards game against the Houston Rockets. John Wall had the game of his life, but the rest of the team fell flat. The Wizards took bad shots, made stupid turnovers, and didn't play any defense. When JaVale McGee made his silly dunk off the backboard, I immediately turned to my friend- a Wizards fan- and said, "A winning team would never try a play like that. These guys are a bunch of losers." He nodded his head in pitiful resignation.

I am not a Wizards fan. But I felt so bad, I decided I need to do something. I waited for an appropriate moment, which didn't take long, and booed as loud as I could. I repeated as often as I felt worthy. A few Wizards fans joined, but I couldn't start a wave of boos. Not even my friend would boo. Wizards fans just refuse to boo their team. They are satisfied with failure.

I am a Knicks fan. If the team doesn't give their best effort, they get booed. If they consistently get booed, management makes changes. Wizards fans need to learn how to boo. It's the only way things will change for your incredibly embarrassing franchise.

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Pissing on the Taliban

The video showing four American marines urinating on the corpses of three Taliban members has provoked several profound questions.

During the 1990s, only three countries in the world recognized the Taliban's authority in Afghanistan (Pakistan, Saudi Arabia, and UAE). The group faced near-universal condemnation for their anti-woman, anti-Shia, and anti-Milton Berle stances. In 2001, in the wake of the attacks of September 11, few disagreed with the U.S.-led invasion against the Taliban.

Fast forward a little more than ten years. After yet another horrendous American scandal in Afghanistan, the Taliban said that though these actions are inhumane, peace negotiations would continue. Think about that for a second. That is a tremendously wise and mature sentiment. The Taliban actually has the moral high-ground over the United States at this point. How far have we fallen? That is the impact of war; we lose our values, our core, our sense of self. It makes me sick.

On the other hand, the urination scandal shines a bright spotlight on humanity itself. Some people have decried the logic behind the Geneva Convention's principle that it's ok to kill someone, but you can't pee on them afterwards.What does that say about human beings that we have rules for being respectful to people after we've murdered them?

My final point. I've lived for about 11,000 days on this Earth. I've peed some multiple of 11,000. I've never filmed myself doing it.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

My One Man Show

Please join me tomorrow for the premier of my one man show called

Toilet Seat Covers and Automatic Flush Toilets: an anti-Semitic conspiracy

The show consists of me trying to place a toilet seat cover on the toilet seat and then sitting down on said toilet before the automatic flush is triggered thereby flushing the toilet seat cover down the toilet.

The show is 90 minutes.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Update on Darius Washington

Darius Washington's two missed free throws have always left their mark with me. In the 2005 Conference USA championship game, Washington had a chance to put Memphis into the NCAA tournament. Instead, he missed two out of three attempts. I wrote about that moment and his subsequent redemption five years ago.

Washington then went pro and wasn't drafted. But he fulfilled his NBA dream the following year. The 2007-8 NBA season would be his first and only stint in the league.

Washington has been playing overseas since. It seems he's turned himself into a valuable player for Roma in the Italian league and now for Ankara in the Turkish league. His stats are here. I'm so happy for him. And I want him to know that the way he managed to pick himself up and dust himself off after missing those two free throws in 2005 has always been an inspiration for me. Sometimes, our greatest positive impact comes in our worst moment.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Back to Work

Hello fellow citizens. It has been a long time since we've spoken. I've been on vacation for the past few months. The rumors- that my hot Tajik nurse Delruba was actually a spy only sleeping with me in order to get her ideas implemented, ideas that would ultimately severely weaken our nation in retaliation for my bellicose rhetoric and the resulting breakup has crushed me to the point where I've just been in my room crying, listen to Common's Lovin' I Lost, and raping my servants in order to gain back control over something, anything- are not true.

On my vacation, I decided what my nation needs. To the citizens camping out in the streets in protest, I hear you. That is why I am calling for elections. We'll hold them in the American form.

Today's decrees
First, there will be a series of primaries to determine the candidates in the general election. All are welcomed to run for the leadership of our great land. In fact, I dare you.

I will begin campaigning as of this moment. My campaign slogan is "GOD help you if you HOPE for CHANGE." Vote Dear and Fearless Leader!

Monday, January 09, 2012

Tebow Ironically Injured Tebowing

Tim Tebow, the quarterback of the Denver Broncos, injured himself performing his trademark move before the start of the second half yesterday in a playoff game against the Pittsburgh Steelers.

As Tebow was Tebowing- a gesture where one falls to a knee, places their elbow on the other knee, and their fist on their forehead in an act of prayer- the quarterback felt a pop in his groin. Tebow screamed, "Ow, shit! Fucking Jesus Christ!" He then grabbed his crotch and collapsed to the ground.

Tebow Tebowing
According to experts, this particular groin injury, with the proper medical treatment, would be no more than a nuisance for a normal passing quarterback. But since Tebow is such an inaccurate passer that he's forced to rely on his legs, Tebow missed the second half of the game. He's listed as day-to-day.

Tebow has also decided to eschew medical treatment for the injury. Instead, he is "relying on the power of Jesus Christ to heal me." The Denver QB continued, "Jesus's love will bring my groin back to where it needs to be so I can find the hole, penetrate it, and score."

Denver managed to defeat the Steelers because of the heroics of reserve quarterback Brady Quinn. Head Coach John Fox said of Quinn, "Brady won us the game by not throwing four interceptions and going like 8-26 passing. Sure, he sucks. But he's like the reincarnation of John fucking Elway compared to that other guy. Where's Kyle Orton when you need him?"

Denver faces the New England Patriots on Saturday and then will start preparing for next season on Sunday.

Sunday, January 08, 2012

GOP Candidates Race-Baiting

The Republican presidential candidates have consistently been antagonistic towards black people in the hopes of garnering the white racist vote. The white racist vote is not as important as it was before, but it was always remain an integral part of a Republican primary.

During today's debate, Rick Perry said Obama doesn't reflect the foundering fathers. Although explicitly the issue was socialism, this was a subtle jab at Obama's race. Rick Santorum touts his welfare-to-work program that disproportionately hurt poor black people. Newt Gingrich argues that black children should work because their families don't and scolds black people for their perceived reliance on entitlement programs. Ron Paul claims he's done more for civil rights than anyone in either party, but doesn't even believe in "black rights."

The Republicans are not even trying to court black people's vote. And they are attempting to appeal to white racists with this rhetoric. It's a subtle attempt to capitalize on the backlash against the election of Obama. The candidates deny the legacy of history as if we are all born in a vacuum. Hundreds of years of systematic bigotry have led to the current socio-economic inequalities. Those inequalities have not magically disappeared with the election of the first black president. Yet, the Republicans blame poor black folks for their plight. They show no empathy. It's quite disgusting.

Saturday, January 07, 2012

2012 NFL Playoff Predictions

First of all, I am turned off by the NFL Playoffs because Pittsburgh and Atlanta are the 5 seed and have to start on the road despite having better records than the teams they're playing. If the NFL wants to give each division winner a top four seed, I disagree with it, but I can accept it. But at least give the better team a home game.

6 Cin over 3 Hou 13-9
5 Pit over 4 Den 28-12
3 NO over 6 Det 38-28
4 NYG over 5 Atl 20-13

1 NE over 6 Cin 31-10
2 Bal over 5 Pit 21-16
3 NO over 2 SF 14-6
1 GB over 4 NYG 24-20

2 Bal over 1 NE 20-16
3 NO over 1 GB 33-27

Super Bowl XLVI
Bal over NO 27-22

Monday, January 02, 2012

An Odd Rape Statistic

I'm reading Rory Stewart's The Prince of Marshes and on page 10 I came across an officer who was briefing civil servants headed for Iraq that, if they are taken hostage, they will be raped.

The officer says, "Since you will be taken hostage by Arabs it is likely that they will male-rape you. Remember that in seventy-five percent of cases when you are male-raped, you will get an erection or ejaculate."

I'm wondering how they come up with a stat like that?

Is it through scientific male-rape testing of broke college students? Or are released kidnapped male-rape victims telling people that they had an erection or ejaculated while being raped? "Oh my, it was so terrible. I thought I would die at every moment. They took turns pinning me down and raping and humiliating me. It made me very hard until I shot a huge load." Would you admit something like that?

Sunday, January 01, 2012

The 2011 Bills

The Bills started the season 3-0 and were 5-2 at one point. At least it meant they would finish at least 5-11, right? Ugh. They finished 6-10.

Ryan Fitzpatrick played out of this world at the start of the season. But two things happened. Defenses finally caught up to the offenses and the quarterback signed a huge deal. He promptly played terrible. Fred Jackson, who finally got a shot to be the every down back, played great until he injured himself for the season int he middle of the year.

The Bills defense was never really that good and the special teams took a hit when the kicker, Rian Lindell (who has been on my fantasy team for 9 straight seasons) was also injured for the year.

Superstar Stevie Johnson had a great year. But he has the personality of a free spirit, which for some reason is really frowned upon in the NFL. The league expects military-like discipline. It's pretty sickening really. Johnson is being railroaded just as Ocho Cinco and T-O have been. These guy haven't done anything wrong off the field. They're just characters and enjoy having fun when they perform well on the field. It is a game after all. It should be fun.

The Bills lost 7 in a row in the middle of the season with Chan Gailey at the helm. Gailey looked like an offense genius early on, but the team has actually regressed since Dick Jauron was fired. Dick Jauron put up insanely good years with the lack of talent he had on the team. He shouldn't have been fired.