Saturday, January 28, 2012

The Debate

Hello and welcome to tonight's presidential debate. I'm your moderator Bernard Shaw. Yep, this is what happened to me. Now, let's welcome our candidates onto the stage. First is Willard Newton. Next is Betty Buxom. Our next candidate is Obotu Chiluba. Coming out now we have Ronna Paulo. And we've saved the best for last, here he is, the Dear and Fearless Leader.

Shaw: Dear and Fearless Leader, how are you doing?
DFL: Pre-tty pre-tty pre-tty pre-tty good, Bernie. Thanks for asking.
Shaw: You are most welcome, your holiness. Now, let's turn to Mr. Newton. What is your plan to turn around the economy?
Newton: First of all, let me say that the Dear and Fearless Leader has done a wonderful job with the economy. Personally, I have no ideas on how to improve it. If the Dear and Fearless Leader has some ideas, then I would agree with them. Otherwise, I would leave the economy as it is.
Shaw: How about you, Ms. Buxom? How would you stimulate the economy? And might I say that is a rather revealing and ravishing dress you're wearing.
Buxom: Well, tee-hee, I know a little something about stimulating things, isn't that right Dear and Fearless Leader? I made his stock rise high.... and hard. (She winks and blows the Dear and Fearless Leader a kiss)
Shaw: Dear and Fearless Leader, rebuttal?
DFL: Not now bitch, my family's here!
Shaw: Dr. Chiluba, what do you think of the state of the nation? We've had a failed war, a crumbling economy, and opponents have disappeared. Of course, none are the fault of the Dear and Fearless Leader who will guide us out of this mess.
Chiluba: I think the nation is strong. I don't anything about a failed war. I know we defeated those Tajik devils. I think the economy is doing well. Just look at how well the Dear and Fearless Leader is doing. He is very rich! We have no opponents disappear, only enemies. I think the Dear and Fearless Leader is doing swell.
Paulo: Bernard, can I say something here. The Dear and Fearless Leader has destroyed this country. We've seen protests in the streets. To cover up his mistakes and quell the protests, he started a phony war that turned out to be a disaster. We were attacked on May 6 and our leader has used that attack to distract us from our nation's real problems. If anyone speaks against him, they are killed. I cannot sit here in silence. Or worse yet, go along with this administration. We need a revolution. I hope these elections are free and fair. The people will vote out the leader if they are. And...
Shaw: Time. Ok, time for a commercial break.

Shaw: And we're back.
Newton: Bernie, the vitriol we heard before the break from Ronna was uncalled for. I suggest that we dispose of her, Dear and Fearless Leader.
DFL: No. This is a free country. This election is free and fair. Allow me to make a decree.
Newton, Buxom, Chiluba: Bless you Dear and Fearless Leader. We would be honored.

Today's decrees
All candidates for the presidency shall speak their minds in the name of freedom, democracy, and human rights.

This debate is hereby over. I need to discuss some, ahem, policy issues with Ms. Buxom in the back.

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