Sunday, April 30, 2006

Save Darfur Rally

It's official, the Washington DC metro rail and Sudanese dictator Omar al-Bashir are in cahoots, as it took us five more minutes than it usually would to get to the rally on the National Mall. Of course, I was only there to "pick up chicks" as the kids say. And I was quite successful. One young woman looked at my shirt, and asked "Do you go to George Mason?" I replied, "Yes." She then asked, "What year are you?" I answered, "I'm a grad student." Then she continued her flirt parade by saying, "Oh, never mind," and walked away.

Once I got there, there were so many Jews, it felt like we were at temple. I ran into a friend of mine from college, who is Jewish. He mentioned that despite the enormous differences within the Jewish community this is the one cause that all of us can get behind. I'm sure there's one Jew that supports the genocide (there's always one) but otherwise I agree. Being there made me proud to be Jewish.

When Al Sharpton was introduced, a great moan of anticipation rolled through the crowd. Then Shapton gave a moving oration as expected.

James Zogby, the head of the Arab American Institute, spoke as well. A couple of teenage Jewish guys began heckling him in the only way Jews know how, making sarcastic comments. Unfortunately, they didn't appear to know what the hell they were talking about.

I emailed Mr. Zogby three years ago and his response was (if he doesn't mind):

"Thank you for your very kind note. I appreciate your concern and empathy. I too look forward to the day when we can all live together peacefully. I continue to hope."

Obviously, he's a terrorist.

Saturday, April 29, 2006

My Review of My Blog

My blog sucks. I mean have you read this shit? This blog is what's wrong with America. I give it a D+. Much in the same way as the team that I was a part of during college: the D+ Team. We were a lot like our predecessors, the A Team, just not as good. The A Team saved the world, we open bank accounts. They fought bad guys, we manuever our way through Taco Bell parking lots. But, the "+" means we're improving.

Anyway, my blog is basically like a sack of crap left out in the hot sun for three weeks. And it's written by a Jew. Do we really need another Jew spouting his facacta opinons in the media? Don't the Jews control enough already? Sheesh! I've wasted countless hours on this trash. And I've wasted the time of you, the reader. For that, I am truly sorry.

Friday, April 28, 2006

Views of Women in Hip Hop: A Rebuttle

I've debated with myself for several months now (an activity one does frequently when they have no friends) about starting this series. My buddy Bill O'Reilly... who really is my buddy! He was invited to our Seder, but didn't come due to "splotchiness" on his face. Whatever, I wasn't that upset about it. The phone call he made to tell us about the splotchiness was a bit weird and inappropriate, but my family is moving on from that unpleasantness.

Anyway, the idea I have is to provide an alternative interpretation of Hip Hop through the lyrics of its artists. These comments will be taken out of context, and censored in a way to fit my argument. This is dishonest to the artist, but it is no different than what my buddy Bill O'Reilly and those of his ilk do when they denigrate Hip Hop for being sexist, homophobic, anti-white, etc. This post is not meant to imply anything more than Hip Hop is a diverse culture and must be regarded as such.

"I was rolling around, in my mind it occurred, what if God was a her? Would I treat her the same? Would I still be running game on her? In what type of ways would I want her? Would I want her for her mind or her heavenly body?" Common - Faithful

"Hey young man, why degrade your only sister and call them bitches and whores? What if one day someone feels the same way about that daughter of yours? Oh, if you had one inkling of an idea of what they had to go through. Of course she's strong, but she's still depending on you." Cee-Lo - Young Man (read mutual dependence)

"Build a conversation, probe your intellect, put your manhood to the test, but not just your physical, your individual is what I'm after." Bahamadia - I Confess

"I give a holla to my sisters on welfare. Tupac cares, if don't nobody else cares. I know they like to beat you down a lot, when you come around the block, brothers like to clown a lot. But please, don't cry, dry your eyes, never let up. Forgive but don't forget, keep your head up." Tupac - Keep Ya Head Up

"The name Com' has never been involved with run, unless its DMC, or running these broads to being free." Common - Chi-City

"The pain of not reflecting the range of our complexions." Jean Grae - Black Girl Pain

"When he tells you, you ain't nothing, don't believe him. And if he can't learn to love you, you should leave him. 'Cuz sister, you don't need him. I ain't trying to gas up, but I just call 'em how I see 'em. You know what makes me unhappy? When brothers make babies and leave a young mother to be a pappy." Tupac - Keep Ya Head Up

"To me the word 'emcee' doesn't know no fucking genders." Apani B Fly Emcee - Estrogen Lyrics

I’d never call you my bitch or even my beau, there’s so much in a name and so much more in you.” Common - The Light

"The world is yours and I swear I will stand focused. Black girls, raise up your hands; the world should clap for us." Jean Grae - Black Girl Pain

"No more shows calling women bitches and hoes." Chuck D - No

"30 years past Aretha and still screaming for my freakin' respect." Apani B Fly Emcee - The Woman In Me

"Removed from earth, only to return through birth. Knew this girl selling her body, wish she knew what it was worth." Common - It's Your World

"And since we all came from a woman, got our name from a woman, and our game from a woman: I wonder why we take from - women? Why we rape - women? Do we hate - women? I think it's time to kill for - women, time to heal - women, be real to - women. And if we don't, we'll have a race of babies that hate the ladies that make the babies. And since a man can't make one, he has no right to tell a woman when and where to create one. So will the real men get up, I know your fed up ladies, but keep ya head up." Tupac - Keep Ya Head Up

"Waiting for the Lord to rise, I look into my daughter's eyes. And realize that I'm-a learn through her. The Messiah, might even return through her. If I'm-a do it, I gotta change the world through her." Common - Be

"A father only shows a boy how to become a man. Not true, single parent showed a mother can." Wordsworth – Be A Man

Baby leave on your clothes, much more to living life than emulating them hoes.” Zion I – Temperature

All I ever wanted was a real nice lady.” Da Bush Babees & Mos Def – S.O.S.

Thursday, April 27, 2006

The Other

Two days a week I drive to Haymarket, Virginia to teach English to three kids (when the name of your city has "Hay" or "market" in it, you live in the middle of fucking nowhere). I get pretty freaked out once I pass the NRA's headquarters in Fairfax (it's as if I'm crossing into a different country). I pass by with my thumb firmly locked in the "boo" position.

I try to make my thumbs down quite discreet as to not attract any more attention to myself than a short hairy Jewish man with Turkish Hip Hop blasting out of his car in Virginia will already do.

"No one knows you're Jewish," my friends say. So, reality is supposed to ease my fears? I don't understand. Anyway, when I substitute teach, the first question is almost always, "Are you Jewish?" So my friends' theory goes out the window.

The students live in a gated golf community (they exist, who knew?). The first visit I made, I showed the security guard the yellow piece of paper with their unpronounceable name (to me anyway) and address of the students I was about to teach. He let me through. Quickly, his inquiry into my every visit to the gated community became less intensive. Until Passover.

I decided to wear a yarmulke for Passover. I debated with myself the entire one hour drive over whether or not I should keep the yarmulke on when I pulled up to the security gate. I finally decided to leave it on. To my surprise, the security guard asked where I was headed. I scrambled for the yellow piece of paper that I hadn't used for a few weeks. Then he let me through.

Not such a big deal and I had missed the session before, so I hadn't been there for a week. He may have forgotten me. I don't believe that he questioned me because I'm Jewish, but possibly because I represented the Other. It isn't often that I fall into the category of Other, but it does happen. Those moments are shocking, upsetting, confusing. I can't imagine living my life like that constantly, as millions of Americans do, and not because they wear a yarmulke, but because of the color of their skin. Then came the awkward explanation to a group of Korean students with limited English skills on what the hell is a yarmulke. "It's a Jewish holiday, so we wear these funny hats. Understand?"

By the way, check out She is brutally honest (which I love) about issues of identity, politics, and others that are important. Maybe one day, when I stop being an idiot, I will be able to put links of blogs that I like on my site. My fingers are crossed 'til that day comes!

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

The YMCA Theory

My friend Mike and I have attended a number of sporting events together. When the Village People's song YMCA comes over the PA system, we invariably get into a heated argument. We argue over which way the "C" is supposed to go (I don't participate in formulating the letters with my arms for that reason alone), but that's not the argument that formed the basis of the YMCA Theory.

Somewhere in the song is the lyric "Do what the fuck you feel." Mike claims that the lyric is actually "Do what-ev-er you feel." The argument basically consists of us recounting our version of the lyric and then just screaming it repeatedly at each other for about 5-10 minutes.

At the Nats game last Friday, a theory developed from my thesis. By the way, the Nats beat the Braves 7-3. Mike mentioned, "So you want me to believe that he wrote the words 'Do what the fuck you feel' into the song attempting to dupe millions of Americans who sing along at sporting events all over the country? I don't believe it."

I explained to Mike, that he (for some reason, I always imagine the police man writing the song)had already done this. A nation of homophobes and their heterosexist children sing a song about a place where gay men would hook up in the 1970s. That's what the song, YMCA, is about. So, the police man has already duped everyone. Since the whole song has a hidden meaning, it is not hard to picture him sneaking in that line as well. I don't argue that the line "Do what the fuck you feel" has a hidden meaning itself, just that it is blasted at sporting events nationwide.

Mike has thought it over and now agrees with me.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Clash of Civilizations

In the early 1500s, Domingo Paes, from Portugal, visited the great capital of Vijayanagara, the center of the most powerful South Indian empire by the same name. He met with the ruler Krishnadevaraya. We join their meeting after they have exchanged formal pleasantries.

Paes: We have defeated the vicious Muslim and his cheap whiny brethren, the Jew, and exiled them from our lands. I trust you appreciate this glorious gesture as you face the same Saracen enemy.

Krishnadevaraya: Yes, we have battled the Bahamani Sultanate, which consists of Muslim rulership, for over a century, and we disagree with their beliefs, but our beef is with the Bahamanis, not all Muslims. Plus, we also are home to Jains, Christians, and Jews. We don't see a problem with this. Each group enriches our community in a different way.

Paes: That's gay.

Krishnadevaraya: I'm not exactly sure what my sexual orientation has to do with our attitude towards people of different religions?

Paes: No, I didn't mean gay like that. I meant it like, that's stupid.

Krishnadevaraya: I'm sorry, I'm not following. I'm not familiar with that interpretation. You seem to be generalizing. I've met smart gay people. In fact, my half-brother, the man I succeeded, Vira Narasimha, is gay and contains an above average intelligence.

Paes: What? No, never mind. You don't get it. [Paes becomes startled] What the.. you have shit on your face.

Krishnadevaraya: Are you referring to my skin color? That is really an ignorant comment. You don't see me asking if you covered your skin in semen, but I've been wondering about it.

Paes: Oh, so now I'm a racist, aren't I? I'm coming from Portugal, we don't have you people where I'm from.

Krishnadevaraya: You people? And maybe that's because you "expelled" them from your country [Krishnadevaraya does the quotes-thingy with his fingers].

Paes: It was necessary. They were taking our jobs and gaining control of our country.

Krishnadevaraya: I don't understand this notion of one race owning employment. It doesn't make sense to me. And isn't everyone entitled to representation?

Paes: Dude, it's the 1500s, hardly anyone is entitled to representation. Even you have a monarchy.

Krishnadevaraya: Ok, ok, you got me there.

Paes [head turns]: Yowsers! Did you see the knockers on that one?

Krishnadevaraya: Considering my many concubines, this may seem a tad hypocritical, but I don't believe you should be referring to women in that manner.

Paes: So if I don't like your women, I'm racist. If I do, I'm racist and sexist. I can't win.

Krishnadevaraya: Besides the scores of women in my quarter, I don't own any women. This woman only appeals to you as a sexual conquest. You clearly see her as subordinate.

Paes: Dude, you're out to get me. I can't win. I didn’t do anything to you.

Krishnadevaraya: We live in a society where you have power that you don't recognize. Power that I can never possess. You have privileges that you may not even know you contain. You probably don't even realize half of what you have. Wait a sec... I'm a king! Never mind.

Paes: Fuck you!

Two Girls Run Over By A Tank

It is 2002. Two thirteen year old Korean girls die. They were run over by an American tank in South Korea. This sparks Korean Americans to protest the presence of U.S. soldiers in South Korea, soldiers which have been there for five decades. For the rest of America, terrorism dominates everyone's thoughts. No one cares about these two kids. I don't.

It is 2006. I tutor some kids who came here from South Korea last January. I teach them English and have a continuous philosophical debate with myself over whether I am partaking in a form of colonialism or I am simply helping these people.

It is last Thursday. I give the students homework, "Write at least two pages of fiction and two pages of non-fiction." The oldest student, a boy of sixteen, finishes his non-fiction before class ends. It is only a half a page. I collect it and tell him to write another two pages of non-fiction for homework. I go to the bathroom to the sound of Korean spouted back and forth between a grandmother, her two daughters, and their three children, one of which is this boy.

I exit the bathroom and they're still yelling in Korean, but it could be anything as far as I know. As I put my shoes on outside of the house, the boy requests, with a nervous smile, "Non-fiction, you read, no angry."

"When I read your non-fiction, you don't want me to get angry?" I attempted to clarify. He shook his head yes.

Obviously, I was curious. On the drive home, I peeked at his writing. Just as I suspected, it was about America. It seems two girls were run over by an American tank. It would be five days until I could reassure him, "Yes, I'm angry! Not at you, but that it happened."

The transition to a new country is difficult. I couldn't imagine. I might be making that transition just a bit easier for him. He seems to re-enforce that sentiment with his smile and his willingness to struggle to learn this new language. He showed courage in writing about this tragedy, not knowing how I might react.

I got home and searched for the event and found it. Besides the boy's grammatical errors, his facts were incorrect. He had claimed that it took place in America and that the girls were eighteen years old. How to compliment his bravery, encourage his instincts, and yet correct his errors without damaging his spirit?

Damn. If only I got drunk, I wouldn't think about this shit so much.

Monday, April 24, 2006

The Playoffs In Full Swing

Let me begin with two aspects of the NBA that I believe should be changed. First, consideration for the NBA MVP should include the playoffs. It only makes sense. Second has less to do with the NBA than with grammar. One would say, "The Knicks are ready for tonight's game." However, people argue that "The Heat is ready for tonight's game." is correct. "Heat" is no more singular than "Knicks." You wouldn't say the "4 fish is looking like your momma" or "the children is hot, because you're a child molester." So let's change that to "the Heat ARE a bunch of cheaters."

The foul called against Kristic of the Nets with .9 seconds left was ridiculous. Yes, he got a hold of Pacer guard, Anthony Johnson's jersey, but it clearly didn't impact Johnson's shot. The refs should've let that one go.

Kobe Bryant was hit in the face on his way to the basket towards the end of the Lakers-Suns contest. But he had already traveled before the foul took place. The Lakers were down two possessions at the time anyway, though my first reason is a much better one than the second.

Since I include the playoffs in my MVP voting, here is the tenuous current MVP race:
1) Phx G Steve Nash
2) Cle F Lebron James
3) LAL G Kobe Bryant
4) Dal F Dirk Nowitski
5) Det G Chauncey Billups

Sunday, April 23, 2006

The Basics of Hip Hop History

This probably goes against everthing I believe in, but here are just a few artists from each "era" of American Hip Hop History. Obviously it is very flawed. This is for the Hip Hop novice, for those that ignore the Old School, or those that only listen to commercial rap.

These are the "best" emcees/groups of their era. Sometimes the mainstream and talent connect, sometimes they don't, but I tried to keep it as mainstream as possible. Era's are hard to determine for artists who have stayed in the game, for example, Common Sense has been putting albums out since 1992, but he's in a later era simply because that's when people took notice.

1970s - Early 1980s
DJ Kool Herc
Afrika Baambaata
Grandmaster Flash

Mid - Late 1980s
Eric B. & Rakim
Boogie Down Productions (KRS-One)
Public Enemy (Chuck D)

Late 1980s - Early 1990s
A Tribe Called Quest
De La Soul
NWA (Dr. Dre, Ice Cube, etc.)

Mid 1990s
Tupac Shakur
Notorious B.I.G.

Late 1990s
Common [Sense]
Black Star (Mos Def & Talib Kweli)
The Roots

Early 2000s

Mid 2000s
Kanye West
50 Cent

Saturday, April 22, 2006

The Little Engine That Couldn't

With many in the Bush administration leaving, one would hope that they'd take a few New York Knick executives with them. This year was terrible for the Knicks. Certainly, losing is bad. However, what bothered me more was the lack of effort on most nights.

I'm a Larry Brown guy. Larry Brown wasn't able to turn the Knicks around this year; that's obvious. The fact that he couldn't motivate his players does raise questions about his ability to coach this team. If Larry doesn't come back, I hope we turn back to Herb Williams. He has been a long time Knick, player, assistant coach, and head coach. While he was head coach, at least the Knicks played hard. Perhaps lower expectations will actually create better results.

I am not one to call a player out, at least not one on my favorite team, but the Knicks need to get rid of Stephan Marbury. He has left three teams that have become great teams after his departure already. He's not a winner and his game doesn't compliment anyone else in the league.

Being the eternal optimist that I am, here are the bright spots in the Knicks' future. Obviously the three rookies and Eddy Curry is a good start. I was upset to hear that Larry Brown doesn't like Nate Robinson's game (considering they're both 5'9"), but I hope we keep Nate. We don't have a high draft pick in this year's draft. How can that possibly be good you may wonder? Well, we don't need another pre-madonna thinking he's the team's savior only to be another Marbury. Isiah Thomas has shown that he drafts well and perhaps he can find another gritty player later in the draft, who will give this team some heart.

As for the rest of the league, as with everyone else, it is atrocious that the 2nd best team in West gets the 4th seed and has to play the best team in the 2nd round. Equally as bad is that the Nuggets, the 3 seed, don't get home court advantage in the 1st round. They should actually be seeded worse, but the NBA must be consistent. The better seed should get home court advantage no matter what their record is. If they have a worse record, give them a worse seed.

To rectify this, the NBA should either guarantee each division winner a top 4 seed (which would give them the home court advantage in the first round) or simply guarantee each division winner a spot in the playoffs, but seed according to record.

2006 NBA Playoff Predictions

1st Round
1) Detroit - 4
8) Bucks - 0

4) Cavs - 2
5) Wiz - 4

2) Miami - 4
7) Chicago - 1

3) Nets - 4
6) Indiana - 1

East Semis
Detroit - 4
Wizards - 1

Miami - 2
Nets - 4

East Final
Detroit - 4
Nets - 3

1st Round
1) Spurs - 4
8) Kings - 0

4) Dallas - 4
5) Memphis - 2

2) Suns - 4
7) Lakers - 2

3) Denver - 4
6) Clippers - 3

West Semis
Spurs - 3
Dallas - 4

Suns - 4
Denver - 0

West Final
Dallas - 4
Suns - 3

Detroit - 4
Dallas - 1

We'll see what happens.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Dick Corps

I was driving down Route 123 to George Mason yesterday when I saw a giant sign: "Dick Corps" by a construction site. It made me think about the origin of the company's name. Maybe it went something like this:

"So Dick, what’s the name of your new construction company gonna be?" wondered his friend Charlie.
"Dick Smith's," answered Dick Smith.
Charlie looked knowingly, "Yeah, I get it, your name is Dick Smith. But here's the thing, Dick Smith's..."
"What?" Dick interrupted defensively.
"Dick Smith's sounds like you weld dicks. You know like a blacksmith or a goldsmith."
"Wow, I never thought-a that," explained Dick. Dick had grew up in a fairly- how should I put it- backwoods area of Virginia, so his classmates- well- didn’t have the mental capacity to insult Dick Smith in that manner. “Should I choose another name?”
Charlie jumped into action. “Yeah. I think that would be wise. Got one in mind?”
"Yeah, how ‘bout Dick Corps?" replied Dick.
Charlie chuckled for a second until he realized that his friend wasn't kidding. "Dick Corps?"
"Yeah, Dick Corps."
"Hmmm. Um, Dick?"
"Dick Corps also means something else," Charlie tried to put it as delicately as possible for a 40-year old male hick.
"What do you mean Charlie?"
"Uh, Dick Corps also means, like, an army of penises."
"Yeah, I know," Dick explained, "I wanted something that would stand out. You know something that some idiot punk would write a story about on his blog."
"That’s pretty stupid," Charlie said bluntly, and then scratched his crotch non-discreetly.
“You’ll see,” Dick Smith said prophetically, "You'll see."

Neo-Cons vs Neo-Nazis

Let's compare and contrast neo-conservatives and neo-nazis.

neo-cons: George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, the rest of the administration.
neo-nazis: Don't really know, maybe David Duke, Matthew Hale, or Hurricane Katrina.

What the "neo" means:
neo-cons: not at all
neo-nazis: white trash rejects

Their method of operation:
neo-cons: neo-imperialism
neo-nazis: neo-smashing folding chairs on each other's heads screaming "WE ARE CIVILIZED!"

Their goal:
neo-cons: Americanizing everything for the purpose of profit.
neo-nazis: Whitening everything because of fear and hate.

Their view on Jews:
neo-cons: For the one's that aren't Jewish- using Jews as pawns in their little Middle East game.
neo-nazis: is scary

Their view on blacks:
neo-cons: For the one that isn't black- they hate them.
neo-nazis: They hate them.

Feelings on the Daily Show:
neo-cons: Makes them nervous.
neo-nazis: Not a fan.

Views on the Middle East:
neo-cons: Want it to be America Junior.
neo-nazis: Indiana's ok, but Ohio has too many minorities.

Thoughts on crazy ideologues:
neo-cons: They're cool.
neo-nazis: Gotta love 'em.

Reaction to me:
neo-cons: Terrorist.
neo-nazis: Kill. Kill. Kill.

Hitler's Thoughts on each:
neo-cons: I like the expanding of cultural influence part. But what's the deal with this covert white supremacism? It's pretty cowardly. And can we get rid of Rice and Wolfowitz? Overall, I give it a B+.
neo-nazis: Shame really. Acht crap!

I hope this clears up some things.
This is for scholarly use only. It is not a hate post.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

The Real Neo-Nazi Story

Ok, ok. Here is the real story of the neo-Nazis who got lost attempting to counter-protest the Immigrant rally in Hamilton, Ohio. It's just as funny.

Cut and paste the first line, then the rest of the link:

"We are douchebags!" chanted a group of 'tards on April 10, 2006.

(Oops, sorry mentally disabled people, didn't mean to insult you.)

That reminded me of a show on VH1 on Hatecore Rock that I saw a few years ago. These gentlemen explained that they hate colored people because they're uncivilized barbarians. Then the music came on and they proceeded to smash folding chairs on each other's heads while marching in a circle screaming "WE ARE CIVILIZED!" Suck on it Hitler.

I wish my grandparents were alive to see these new Nazis. They'd be proud of their Jew-devil grandchildren: the teacher, the writer, the historian, and the I-don't-remember-what-my-oldest-cousin-does-but-it's-something-good.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

A Bad Day

Juvenal woke up in his hotel, in Arusha, Tanzania, one morning and went straight to the shower. Running late, Juvenal tried to wash his body as fast as possible. He grabbed the shampoo and popped the bottle open. The shampoo shot out into his eye. He screamed in pain, "Fuck, my eye!"

Still in a hurry, and now with one eye burning with the sting of shampoo shooting into it, Juvenal rushed to get dressed. Searching for his pants, he stubbed his toe against the hotel bed. "Aw shit, my toe!" Juvenal bellowed.

He raced to catch his helicopter. He sat next to the man he had been working with for the past week, Cyprien. With his eye still burning and distracted by the pain in his toe, Juvenal looked down and realized that his fly was wide open. As discretely as possible, Juvenal zipped up his fly, hoping Cyprien hadn't seen his mistake. Their helicopter soon took off for Kigali. Then, it was shot down and everyone aboard died. This ignited the Rwandan genocide.

Now, that's a bad day!

Monday, April 17, 2006

Passover Logic

As far as I understand it, we cannot eat anything leavened during the week of Passover to honor the Israelites getting out of Egypt. They didn't have enough time to allow the bread to rise so they had to eat matzo.

In honoring their sacrifice, we can have matzo ball soup, which takes for-fucking-ever to make, but we can't have a slice of bread? What's the logic in that? But maybe it's just my hunger talking.

Sunday, April 16, 2006

Gefilte Fish, The Other Slab of White Meat

Have you ever though to yourself, "I'm really in the mood for a big slab of white fish covered in a jelly that's the consistency of semen." Then gefilte fish is for you!

But this great tradition is leaving our dinner tables. My mother didn't serve gefilte fish at our Seder, "Because no one ate it last year." What is our world coming to when gefilte fish is left out of a Seder?

Even my big fat friend Mike, who eats anything without bones in it, won't eat gefilte fish. This has to change. Gefilte fish brings families together (put it on one side of the table and watch everyone gravitate to the other side). It is delicious (if taste and texture aren't of concern to you). It is really the perfect food.

The clear jelly that comes in every jar of gefilte fish is an added bonus, which makes gefilte fish a great value.

It goes down smooth like jelly fish testicles, tastes like monkey poo, and looks like dog brains. Buy gefilte fish!

Gefilte Fish, The Other Slab Of White Meat!

Saturday, April 15, 2006

Additional Evidence

I'm not sure if other people encountered this problem, but part of my last post may appear invisible at first. So highlight the post and you will be rewarded with a link that allows you to have some indication of how unbelievably ugly Joakim Noah is.

I don't like picking on ugly basketball players too much, unless they're jerks, but I just wanted to prove a point. That point? Popeye Jones is ugly. He was an in-the-trenches type of player who did the dirty work and always gave his best effort. But he's ugly.

Amazingly, this is actually the most flattering picture of Popeye Jones that I could find.

Ugly Basketball Players

A comment a while back described Popeye Jones as second tier ugly. I must respectfully disagree. My friend Mike and I had season tickets to the Wizards games (I spent almost all my money so I could boo Michael Jordan) in the 01-02 season and this picture stared us in the face 41 times.......

On another topic, here is a link that explains how ugly Joakim Noah truly is:

Thursday, April 13, 2006

A Dream Deferred

A developing story that the Times is following revolves around the pro-Immigration rally that took place across the United States of America this past Monday.

A rally was held in Hamilton, located in western Ohio, which contains a large immigrant population. A group of neo-Nazis attempted to counter-protest. It didn't work out so well. They got lost and wound up in Oxford, Ohio, a college town that houses Miami University. The neo-Nazis decided that they were close enough and began counter-protesting, despite the fact that there was no rally taking place on Miami's campus.

The neo-Nazis didn't use Map Quest, because they would have had to call an Indian IT in order to fix their web browser back at the farm. Had they stopped at a gas station and asked for directions, "We were 'fraid we might run into color'd folk. We get a lil' nervous around them," Bubba Lexington, the Minister of Hating Mexicans, explained.

On deciding to 'move' the location of the counter-protest, the Secretary of Wishes He Could Lynch Black People But Instead Just Jerks Off In His 1987 Chevy To Pictures From A Magazine That He Found In The Trash, Billy Joe Bob Rae, enumerated, "We keeped makin' left turns and endin' up on Main Street, so we decided to just say fuck it and have the rally here. Those filthy immigrants got the point, go back to your country. Aaron Heilman Hitler!"

Some have suggested that the neo-Nazis had trouble reading the street signs because English is not their first language. Those same people then usually realize that English is the neo-Nazis first language, but generally not the first language of the immigrants who were able to find the rally with ease.

"We are here because of freedom! The freedom to hate m'norities. Particu'ly Jews in my case," exclaimed Skinny McDouchebag, the enthusiastic leader of the Baldhead Initiative, a program name that he did not come up with all by himself, while holding a sign that read "Hate Conquers All."

The neo-Nazis paraded up and down Main Street, screaming at immigrants, as a confused, almost totally white, student body walked to their classes in entertained bewilderment. "Is it that Jewish Halloween or something?" asked an obviously high sophomore student.

When asked about the incident, the ghost of Adolph Hitler spouted, “What the fuck is this? What kind of hillbilly, white trash, ‘tards picked up my philosophies? This sucks, dawg. Where’s my knish?”

Miami University's president could not be reached for comment.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Why You Screwing the Nats?

We already don't get anywhere near all of our team's games televised for the second straight year, now Major League baseball is screwing the Washington Nats again. This time it's with suspensions. The Mets hit 6 Nats. The Nats hit one Met. One Met, that's not even plural! And yet only Nats were suspended. That's just blatant favoritism. The MLB has shown itself to be corrupt in recent years (example: making steroids such a political issue, only attacking it when they absolutely have to, but letting it go when it sold tickets), but this is just so obvious. Shirley Povich has been strangely silent on the Nats thus far, and on everything else for the last few years, so I feel like I have to stand up for my team instead.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

The Real Hotel Rwanda

After the Pro-Immigrant rally, I saw Paul Rusesabagina speak. He is the man who saved over 1,200 human lives as depicted in the movie Hotel Rwanda.

He had two themes: One was the silence of the international community regarding the massacres in Rwanda, Congo, and now Sudan. Sure, there's a lot of talk about the genocide in Darfur, but indecisiveness is the same as compliance. Write your representatives! Tell them to shut down radio stations that preach hate. Mr. Rusesabagina believes that had the radio station that called Tutsis "cock roaches" been shut down immediately, the genocide in Rwanda would not have happened. Rwandans rely heavily on radio. The spread of that hate could have been stopped.

His other theme was the power of words. When the rebels tried to recruit him to fight, he refused. "I decided not to fight with guns, but to fight with my brain. I believe in the power of words," he told his audience. The greatest lesson he has learned in life is "to negotiate with evil." He used words to save the lives of those people who stayed in the hotel. He never used the words Hutu or Tutsi until he was prompted to do so by questions. He referred to his people as “Rwandans.” He understands the impact of those words.

Imagine the good that An Ordinary Man (the title of his book) has done. Those 1,200 plus people will have families and their children will have children and so on for eternity. They will live with his message. It is one of cautious pessimism, but also hope. You don't know if your neighbor is a good or a bad person, but you can convince that person of good with your words.

Paul Rusesabagina, the short Rwandan man, is the voice of a new generation of holocaust survivors. We need to listen.

Monday, April 10, 2006

DC Immigrant Protest

I attended the Pro-Immigrant rally in Washington DC today. Heading towards the rally, a 15 minute metro ride took over an hour. I’m not sure if the forces that be, deliberately delayed our trip, or if it was actually too crowded.

When I got to the national mall, the place was packed. Latino immigrants compiled most of the population, but there were others present too. There were so many American flags and some flags of other nations as well. I don't think a pro-America rally would have had that many American flags.

The nation that the flag represents on the other end of the protestors' poles has been a point of contention. Waving the Mexican flag is a powerful point of pride for these immigrants, who are proud of their ethnicity. It doesn't seem like this pride necessarily has to be mutually exclusive with their requests of rights and avenues for American citizenship. But that message only comes across to a few. Waving American flags means something different, but a large audience can understand that message.

Whenever the police helicopter circled over the large crowd, people would wave their flags and cheer, as if saying, "We are here!" At that moment, it felt like it didn't matter what flag they were shaking.

The feeling in the air gave me goosebumps. At one point, I was standing near a couple of groups that were not sincere in their cheering, but instead were sarcastic. So I moved near people who were more genuine in their sentiment, which was the vast majority of the crowd.

On my way back to the metro, I saw a little boy, who couldn't have been more than 3 years old. He had a little trouble walking, but he held a sign that said "I'm not a criminal." He was referring to the House bill that would make illegal immigrants felons. It was a poignant reminder of what this issue is really all about. It's about people and the American dream. It’s about immigrants pulling themselves up from their bootstraps and working hard and being rewarded for their toil. It's a dream that often feels more like fantasy, but perhaps we can make it real in this day and age. We can provide immigrants with a chance to add to this nation and show them the respect they deserve, as Americans and as human beings.

Sunday, April 09, 2006

Short Women

Medium height and tall women are awesome. They're not confined by society's sexism. Namely, they do not feel like they need a big strong man to “protect” them. To them, it's not a man's height, it's his heart.

Short women, on the other hand, have no sense of reality. They think if they date tall guys, that they'll look normal. Dating a tall guy only exacerbates your shortness. He makes you look goofy. You look like a midget. In addition, he's probably a horrible person, because he's tall and it's a known fact that tall guys are dicks.

Short couples are cute. Short women with tall men is sad. Case closed.

Saturday, April 08, 2006

Oh, Those Powerful Jews

You know it, as do I, Jews control the world. Congressperson Jim Moran said as much, three years ago when he blamed Jewish leaders for not stopping the Iraq war, which led to its occurrence.

Jews make up roughly 2% of the United States population. As one student at Goucher College told me, "It's a powerful 2%!" Not only are the Jews responsible for all of the world's wars, but they also control the media.

There are 11 Jewish senators (out of 100) and 26 Jewish House of Representatives (out of 435), a clear majority. In addition, they hold all of the highest honors, for example Russ Feingold is probably on some committee and I know Charles Schumer is on one. The Jews have even had a vice presidential candidate and a candidate for the Democratic nomination for president (both coincidently are the same person). This power is far greater than the 42 Christian presidents (remember Grover Cleveland was the 22nd and 24th president), and all of the Christian vice presidents and most of those presidents' cabinets.

We've proven that the Jews control the government. Thus they control how the world works. But they also control how we view the world. We know that movies and television are littered with Jews. Jon Stewart claims that "Overrepresentation is different than control." This means that while a higher percentage of Jews are in Hollywood and the news media than in the overall population, they do not have power over those entities and the Jews that are Hollywood producers for example do not act in a collaborative way.

But you know what? Jon Stewart is a Jew, there's one right there. Perhaps Bill O'Reilly, Joe Scarborough, Chris Mathews, Brian Williams etc. are all not Jewish, but I'm sure there are some Jewish writers at the New York Times or something, so obviously there is a huge Jewish media conspiracy. Look at Al Frankin, he's in Olmert's pocket.

Now let's look at all the Jewish nations allied with one another. The state of Israel is allied with Izzy's Deli in Brooklyn and the law firm of Goldberg and Leftkowitz. What Christian nations have that kind of alliance? Exactly.

So as we can see, there is clearly a Jewish conspiracy to not only have jobs in media and politics, but also act in a conspiratorial way. The Christians in their mega churches linked on the various Justice Sundays for the sole reason of dictating who will represent the laws in this country beware, the Jews are coming. White Christian males should particularly watch out.

Friday, April 07, 2006

I Hate Immigrants

That hatred started with my Grandma and Grandpa. Yes, they were dirty, filthy, foreign, immigrants.

Oh sure, it's easy to laud them for escaping from the Nazis and surviving the Holocaust, but it takes real balls to expose them for what they truly were: thieves. They stole jobs from good hardworking Americans. If it were up to me, I'd send them back to Polandistan, or wherever the fuck they came from. I don't really know, I don't concern myself with things that are unAmerican (such as places that aren't America).

This same American spirit can now be directed at the Mexicans. They will never be real Americans, because they speak some crazy language, Mexicanese I think. Their ancestors will never be able to become citizens because their culture is different. There is no room for different languages or cultures in America. We speak one language and have one culture: American!

Liberals argue, "If we don't have immigrants who will do our shit jobs?" I'll tell you who won't, my grandparents- those greenhorns are dead. Hahahaha (they had an extra pair of horns being as they were Jewish). First of all, there should be a comma in between "immigrants" and "who" you grammatically inept bastards. Second off, it sounds an awful lot like liberals are nostalgic for slavery. Obviously that's ludicrous, immigrants don't deserve to be at the level of slaves, they're immigrants for Christ's sake (here I'm referring to Christ's gay-hating, the Jews-are-going-to-Hell, and whites are superior, side, and not that treating people equal, world peace, and love thy enemy, bullshit).

People claim that America has historically been a country of immigrants. I say that America has historically been a country of immigrant-haters. You may ask, "What if there are no immigrants? Then we won't have anyone to hate and America will stray from its past." Never fear, there are still gays, Jews, and blacks to hate. Believe me, they are real problems. They are creeping up and taking over our lives and our families. It is so bad that my immediate family is now one hundred percent Jewish. We're losing the battle my fellow Americans. We must defeat the immigrants so that we can turn our attention to the real problems this nation is facing: Ellen DeGeneres, Jon Stewart, and Dave Chappelle.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Knicks vs Cavs

Last night, Cleveland visited Madison Square Garden to play the Knicks. I happened to be there to witness my first Knicks' home game. Besides visiting "the world’s most famous arena," I also had the chance to have great seats while watching my favorite team.

The Knicks actually played inspired. They were coming off of a horrid loss to the Wizards in DC, another in a long line, all part of a miserable season. But the Knicks not only played well, they showed heart.

Jamal Crawford set his season high for points. If only he were more consistent, he would be the guy to carry the Knicks on his shoulders. As it is, he can do so every once in a while. Steve Francis was unselfish for the first three quarters of the game. The Knicks got out to a 17 point lead in the 4th.

Then Francis began looking for his shot. Eddy Curry was in foul trouble and didn't play in the final quarter. Lebron James salvaged his first half and nailed three three-pointers in a row, all three barely even touched the net.

Cleveland kept coming and eventually tied the game late. Jamal Crawford nailed a tough jumper to give the Knicks a 2-point lead with 6 seconds remaining.

Lebron got the ball, but decided to dish to a teammate, who missed a three at the buzzer. The Knicks pulled out a tough one. If only they had showed this type of mental toughness all year, The Knicks would be in a significantly better position as the regular season heads towards its end. Unfortunately, much of the blame must be put of Stephan Marbury. I've been a supporter of him this season, but the team simply cares more when he is not in the lineup. That is biting criticism I must say. But Marbury has sucked the will out of his team this year. He scores and dishes, but doesn't do what is needed when it is needed.

The Knicks don't have their first round draft pick for next year's draft, but they do have two late in the first round, I believe. Hopefully Isiah Thomas continues drafting players such as David Lee, Nate Robinson, and Channing Frye, instead of players of Marbury's ilk.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

2006 NCAA Championship

Unfortunately this review isn't about George Mason pulling off the improbable. Florida defeated UCLA in convincing fashion, 73-57, to win the 2006 NCAA championship. Throughout the tournament they were the best team.

I thought Florida was too young to win it all. I knew they were very talented, but usually experience prevails in the tournament. That is what made this matchup so intriguing. Both teams were so talented and so young. The way Florida demolished a very good team was truly impressive. On the bright side, it validated George Mason's presence in the Final Four. Florida is just that good.

Florida showed that balance is also a key. In this case, a more important key. Each of their starters averaged in double figures. Keep that in mind when making your selections next season.

Joakim Noah was the MOP of the Final Four. He set the championship game record with 6 blocks. Noah is an athletic big man, who makes Popeye Jones look like a very attractive man, George Clooney maybe, I don't really know who the young ladies like right now. Popeye did not receive that nickname because he likes spinach by the way. I'm saying Noah's ugly, that's the bottom line there.

Many believe Noah will be a great pro. I'm not so sure. He has the potential, but a lot of NBA big men are more athletic and are stronger than he is. Incidentally, Billy Packer's wife (after she's done with me, wink wink) if she's still alive, needs to be careful about Billy and Joakim. Billy is quite fond of Mr. Noah. Billy's affection for Noah makes Jimmy Dykes love of Andrew Bogut look like a school girl crush. Ok, I have no idea what that means. Billy Packer really likes Noah, that's the point of that.

Brewer has a very bright future, probably the brightest of any Gator right now. Horford looks good too. Green played very well. Lee Humphry had a good Final Four. And of course, the unsung hero was the senior Moss in the final.

Billy Donavan is a good coach, and even though I don't like his hairstyle, as long as his team doesn't go pro like UNC last season, they very well might be back.

Joakim Noah is a very ugly man. He rivals Josh Boone in today's game and even the alltime greats: Popeye Jones and Tyrone Hill.

Monday, April 03, 2006

Nats Opener

Ryan Zimmerman scorched one down the leftfield line in the 8th inning off of Aaron Heilman (Heilman was visibly phased by my constant yelling of "Heil!" at that Nazi bastard through the tv). Alphonso Soriano rounded third. Cliff Floyd of the Mets gobbled up the ball and threw it to Jose Reyes. Reyes threw it home. Soriano slid head first and stuck his hand in between catcher Paul Lo Duca's legs. Soriano was called out. In fact, Lo Duca never had control of the ball and even if he had, it appeared that So-So (my nickname for Soriano, because of the last two letters in his first name and the first two in his last name, and also because I'm not sure how I feel about him yet) got his hand in before the tag anyway.

Livan Hernandez pitched well for the Nats, but hurt his own cause in other ways. Brandon Watson (he could replace Brad Wilkerson not only in centerfield, but also with the nickname B-dub, or he could have "Elementary") put down a good bunt, but Hernandez wasn't running and was thrown out at second. Right after, Watson tricked Mets 2nd baseman Anderson Hernandez and reached second base. While Watson played well, Hernandez also made two defensive mistakes. He didn't cover first when Tom Glavine was caught in a run-down. He also failed to catch a liner right at him, trying to turn two.

Jose Vidro tried to start a 2 out rally in the 9th, but was thrown out by Carlos Beltran to end the game in a 3-2 loss. Beltran was booed heavily up until that point.

The Nats have a promising year ahead of them. I predict we'll finish over .500 this season. Our defense needs to sure up a bit, but this game will not be indicative of the rest of the season. Unless a bad call costs us a win every game.

Saturday, April 01, 2006

Came Up Short

Tears fell from my eyes as I watched Jai Lewis and Lamar Butler put their heads in their jerseys. Don't tell me how great George Mason's run was right now, it hurts.

They said that we were out manned. That's bullshit! We just didn't play our best game. In fact, we played very poorly. We were slow to loose balls, were outrebounded, and couldn't hit our open shots. We are better than that. It just wasn't our night.

Everybody Knows Our Name

I went to a small liberal arts school, Goucher College just north of Baltimore, for my undergrad degree. No one had ever heard of it. I thought people would certainly have heard of George Mason University, after I started going there for grad school. I was wrong. More people knew of the name than of Goucher, but my school was still relatively anonymous.

Four years of undergrad, this is now my second year of grad school, and only now, seemingly out of the clear blue sky, is everyone in the country familiar with my school. It is a bizarre feeling.

My school is now part of a possible trend the "George Mason Effect," where, possibly, a lesser known school's athletic achievements raise the profile of its academic program. We've been on tv constantly. We've been on the front page of national newspapers. You know the name: George Mason.

Why is this?

All because of the heart of a group of players, who weren't recruited by big name schools. They are undersized, underdogs, and now under seize with publicity. They have raised the profile of my school and for that I thank them. I also thank them for their entire George Mason basketball careers (to this point and beyond), it has been wonderful.

On a side note, I was actually asked if I was a bandwagon fan this week. If you go to George Mason, who know how crazy that is.