Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Chinese Battle Royale: Finals

The guys are rested since last Friday and are ready to battle for ultimate glory.

Here's the matchup:
Zhou Enlai vs Sun Yatsen (Important moderate in the CCP against the Nationalist Party member whose legacy has remained in tact)

Zhou Enlai vs Sun Yatsen
Both Zhou Enlai and Sun Yatsen were able to survive and thrive the propaganda battle Mao and the Communist party waged against dissent. Zhou is considered a favorite among many Chinese people, more than Mao and Sun was always seen as a national father, even under Communist China. This battle would be a tough one.

Sun hits Zhou over the head and it's all over. Sorry folks, you got ripped off, what can I say. Sun Yatsen reaches ultimate glory and there are a lot of pissed off people who paid to see this fight.

Monday, October 30, 2006

Meet The Press: Maryland Senate Style

Michael Steele's platform on Iraq as announced on Meet The Press is unbelievably callous and downright fucked up. He claims that the Iraqi government needs to decide whether they want to work towards democracy or not. And if they don't he's going to call for the troops home.

I can't believe he's blaming the Iraqi government for the failures in Iraq. That's like blaming the children of murdered parents for not wanting to succumb to the wishes of the murders. Michael Steele's policy on Iraq is that absurd and sad.

Ben Cardin supports involving the international community in helping to solve the problem. I've never understood why we haven't brought the international community into this dilemma.

Now, I support bringing the troops home immediately. Anything short of this assumes that America can actually help rectify a disastrous situation that it created. The reality is that American troops have been put in an impossible situation by Bush and Rumsfeld and need to come home in order to save their lives.

Michael Steele handled tough questions about bipartisanship with skill. He was asked whether he was running away from being a Republican and he was able to explain that he is a proud Republican, but it's his intention to break down labels that divide Washington. Cardin stumbled on this issue.

Stem Cells Research and Abortion
Michael Steele is pro-life, but he had trouble admitting as much. Embryos are discarded from fertility clinics all the time and was asked whether that was murder, which is why he doesn't support embryonic stem cell research. He muddled about and never gave a position. Ben Cardin was far more eloquent and definitive in his pro-choice stance.

Supreme Court Nominations
As upsetting as Steele's stance on Iraq was, this issue was his poorest showing. He was asked whether he would have voting against any sitting supreme court justices during confirmation. He repeated the question and tried to weasel out of it. It was fairly pathetic. Cardin was firm and clear.

Affirmative Action
Michael Steele defended his pro-affirmative action stance with clarity, claiming that it should be a system bent on correcting economic wrongs and not racially polarizing. Cardin agreed.

It was unfortunate that Green, Libertarian, Populist candidate Kevin Zeese wasn't included in the debate. However, this debate made me feel stronger about voting for Ben Cardin.

Sunday, October 29, 2006

Baseball Wrap-up

This season saw a suspicious amount of homeruns, possibly to compensate for the potential decline with the institution of steroid testing. But this year was devoid of big stories (except for Barry Bonds passing Babe Ruth in career homeruns), which is a good thing nowadays. Hopefully, baseball can move on from the steroid debacle and become the game it used to be. The game I remember when I was 10 years old. And even something more.

Saturday, October 28, 2006

Message From Grandpa 4

My Grandpa died 7 years ago today. Whenever he visited, we used to sit out on the porch and talk. We'd talk about sports mostly. He'd smoke cigarettes and the smoke would always seem to find me no matter where I sat. I remember one specific day, when I was 12 years old, Grandpa told me, "There's nothing in the world worse than losing a child." He was talking about my dad.

It's made me think about the soldiers in Iraq. "There's nothing in the world worse than losing a child." It's made me think about their families.

"There's nothing in the world worse than losing a child." It's made me think about the people of Iraq who have been affected by war through death. "There's nothing in the world worse than losing a child."

Yeah well, losing a Grandpa ain't too great either.

Friday, October 27, 2006

China's Battle Royale: Semis

2 more wins to ultimate glory.

Here are the matchups:
Mao Zedong vs Zhou Enlai (Communist Party leader vs his most trusted advisor)
Sun Yatsen vs Yen Fu (Father of the modern China battles late 19th century intellectual)

Mao Zedong vs Zhou Enlai
At first, Mao makes Zhou look like a follower. Mao Zedong is about to win easily. Zhou looks overmatched. But that was Zhou's strategy all along. Zhou takes the occasional well-timed shot and then retreats. He knows that his he goes for an all out assault Mao will kill him. Some wonder how Zhou is even able to do what he's doing, however carefully calculated his actions are. But Mao is still the boss of this one. This battle drags out and Mao maintains his lead, covering up any harm Zhou may cause him. Mao's legend appears to have trumped Zhou. Slowly but surely, Zhou comes back. Once one of Mao's weaknesses surfaces, others follow. Zhou capitalizes. Soon Mao is fighting for his life. Zhou deliberate method seems to have worked. Mao's wild swings just hit poor bystanders. He leaves a gash on Zhou's face just before he succumbs to Zhou's punishment. It's all over. Zhou Enlai upsets his master and advances to the finals.

Sun Yatsen vs Yen Fu
Yen Fu wizardry with words works towards a win for a while. The tide turns quickly in Sun Yatsen's direction. Sun Yatsen has the crowd behind him and it only fuels his momentum. Sun puts Yen in a precarious position. Yen tries to write a letter to get help. But the letter is in classical Chinese and no one reads that any more. Yen Fu is all alone and against a man who has the support of the people. This turns into a blowout. It's all over. Sun Yatsen will take on Zhou Enlai for ultimate glory.

Thursday, October 26, 2006

The Bad and the Ugly

After Rush Limbaugh was finished shaking about, mocking Michael J. Fox, he gave me a call. He told me that AIDS was a Democratic conspiracy, the Holocaust was a lie, and he then bit off the head of a baby and ate it. Then he attempted to jerk off the dead baby. I guess what I'm trying to say here is Rush Limbaugh is not a good person.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

My New Anti-Gay Group

I want to start an anti-gay organization. I'd call it something like Families Against the Gay Agenda.

Then I'd have a change of heart, but keep the same name. That way, gay rights activists can say things like, "Even FAGA supports legislation banning discrimination based on sexual preference," or "even the most anti-gay group in America, FAGA, now supports gay marriage."

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

China's Battle Royale: Quarterfinals

The guys have rested up since Friday's first round and are now ready for action. 3 more wins for ultimate glory.

Here are the matchups:
Mao Zedong vs Chiang Kai-shek (the CCP leader in a historical rematch with the KMT/GMD chief)
Zhou Enlai vs Deng Xiaoping (Mao's #2 vs Mao's eventually successor)
Sun Yatsen vs Hu Jintao (the father of modern Chinese nationalism against the leader of current China)
Yen Fu vs Liang Qichao (Battle between two late 19th century intellectuals)

Let's get it on...

Mao Zedong vs Chiang Kai-shek
Chiang Kai-shek takes a nominal lead in this contest, but it's clear that he may not be able to hold on for long. Mao chips away at Chiang's legs. Then Mao works on Chiang's arms. The tide shifts as Chiang fights back. Mao was inches from extinction. Chiang knocked him out and walked away, believing that he was victorious. Then Mao marched his way and thrashed Chiang. It's all over. Mao moves onto the Semifinals.

Zhou Enlai vs Deng Xiaoping
In the beginning, Deng looks good. Deng unleashes a free market of punches to Zhou Enlai's face. But Zhou Enlai has seen this before. He knows Deng's moves ahead of time and throws a balance of his own kicks and punches. Deng feebly tries to fight back, but this is turning into a massacre and it will be overshadow Deng's previous victories, as it should. Zhou wins and will face Mao in the next round.

Sun Yatsen vs Hu Jintao
Sun Yatsen sets the tone from the outset. Anything Hu Jintao tries to do, he's beaten to the punch. Hu rolls with the punches... to the ground. It's a party in Hu's face and Sun's strong fists are invited. It's all over. Sun wins.

Yen Fu vs Liang Qichao
At first glance, this matchup appears to be equal. Liang Qichao's attacks are more varied than those of Yen Fu's, but Yen's are focused and land true. Liang decides to take a different approach deep into the contest. It works and Liang pounds Yen Fu like thunder crashing against the spirit of the nation, or something. But Yen Fu translates Liang's energy into a wealthy array of eye gouges. Liang is poked blind and it's all over. Yen will face Sun in the semis.

Monday, October 23, 2006

You're Crazy!

I went over to my friend Adam's house a few years ago. My mission was to help him. He's mentally irregular and I get nervous because he has a myriad of weapons in his house.

Before going over I gave him a call:
"Hey Adam, please get rid of your weapons."
"You keep saying that. What weapons? I don't have any."
"Cut out the bullshit, you have them. Get rid of them or I'm coming over!"
"I don't have them, and you can't come over tonight, I'm busy. How about next week?"
"You're fucking crazy man. You can't be trusted with those guns, get rid of them, or I'll do it for you. Throw them out by 4pm or I'm coming over!"
"I can't give you something I don't have! I have to get back to work, damn."

I knew if I didn't act quickly he might unleash his fury on his neighbor Moishe, or worse, he could come to my house. I rang his doorbell. "Just a minute," he called. Five seconds later, I busted down the door. "Where are they?!" I screamed.

"Where are what?" Adam answered.
"The weapons! You're a madman. Give 'em to me."
"I don't have anything man. And quit calling me crazy."
"You need help man. I'm here to help you."
"That's it, I'm calling the police." Adam said. Then I beat him, screaming "You need help, you're crazy, you need me."

Now Adam is institutionalized in a mental health facility. His life has fallen apart. He is deemed to be crazy now, though there is no credible evidence that he was ever diagnosed as crazy before. I went to visit him recently.

"Hey Adam. I want to help you."
Adam began sniveling, "No, just leave me alone."
"You need me Adam or you'll be worse off."
"No, I don't trust you, just leave."
"Adam, only I can help you. Without me, you're life will be a disaster."
"My life is a disaster because of you! Sure, things weren't perfect, but you ruined my life's fragil stability. Just get the fuck away from me."

Poor Adam, he still doesn't know what's best for him. He needs my help.

Sunday, October 22, 2006

Racial Profiling

Racial profiling just doesn't make any logical sense to me. If O.J. stabs a couple of people to death, what bearring does that have on Fred's propensity to kill? None.

Likewise, if Muhammad A. hijacks a plane, doesn't mean Fareed Z. will do so as well.

Saturday, October 21, 2006


I've spent nearly 9,000 days of my life in the presence of gay people and still haven't "caught gay." Believe me, I realize how lucky I am. I know going out in public leaves me susceptible at every moment, but I've yet to succumb. (I did get a cold after being outside for about an hour, hmmm, anyway...) I'll keep everyone updated to see if this trend continues...

Friday, October 20, 2006

China's Battle Royale

16 competitors. Single elimination tournament. 4 wins to ultimate glory.

The Column 1 bracket includes:
Mao Zedong vs Dai Jitao (Communist leader against an early influential Nationalist)
Zheng He vs Chiang Kai-shek (15th century naval admiral battling Head Nationalist)
Zhou Enlai vs John Chinaman (Mao's #2 facing off against the West's stereotypical Chinaman)
Deng Xiaoping vs Yao Ming (Communist leader squares off against NBA player)

The Column 2 bracket:
Sun Yatsen vs Puyi (Father of modern China goes toe-to-toe with the last Qing emperor)
Hu Jintao vs Leader of the Boxer Uprising (China's current leader faces, well, you can read)
Yen Fu vs MC Hotdog (Late 19th century intellectual battling current emcee)
Liang Qichao vs Wang Xiaonong (Both late 19th century, intellectual against actor)

Let's get it on....

Round 1
Mao Zedong vs Dai Jitao
In the beginning this one looked even. The prize was there for both of them to take. But which one would resonate with the Chinese people: Communism or Nationalism? Dai tried to argue that class consciousness had nothing to do with China becoming a strong nation, but Mao shot all of Dai's friends dead. Suddenly, Dai starts accepting that class conflict plays a role. But he's still hanging on by a thread. That's when Mao uses his charisma to draw Dai in close. Mao implements the "Spit For Class Consciousness" and Dai drowns in a puddle of Mao's saliva. It's all over. Communism will prevail in China for now. And Mao advances to the quarterfinals.

Zheng He vs Chiang Kai-shek
Chiang Kai-shek knows he has to act quickly and violently if he wants to win. He runs up to Zheng He (pronounced Chung Her) and kicks the great admiral in the balls. Zheng feigns pain then turns around and slaps Chiang. Chiang gets up and continuously kicks Zheng in the crotch. It has no affect of Zheng. Zheng He takes Chiang out to sea and starts drowning him. An inch from death it occurs to Chiang, Zheng He is a eunuch! Chiang forced himself out of the water and gave Zheng He some Leninist party action to the throat. The Chiang purges the shit out Zheng He until the "Ball-less Wonder" relents. It's all over. Chiang wins and will face Mao next.

Zhou Enlai vs John Chinaman
Zhou Enlai was walking by when he saw John Chinaman, the Western perception of the stereotypical average Chinese person during the early 20th century, shitting in the middle of the street. After shitting, John grabs a woman and sneezed on her, while his pants were still down. Then he pulls them up without wiping. Zhou Enlai, Mao's number 2, runs up behind him and shoves John down onto his own poop. John then takes a fist-full of the poop and flings it at Zhou. But Zhou's diplomatic talents negotiate the poop past his face. Zhou has John in an embarrassing position when John lets off some gas in Zhou's face. Zhou then talks to John Chinaman until the latter was shamed. John Chinaman changes his name to something more Chinese sounding and now works in a factory to fulfill his revolutionary duty. It's all over. Zhou wins.

Deng Xiaoping vs Yao Ming
Deng, the leader of the Communist party towards the end of the 20th century, walks up to the center for the Houston Rockets, Yao Ming, with confidence. Yao then grabs Deng by the head and dunks him. Reeling, Deng pulls himself together and convinces Yao that the only reason he plays in the NBA in America is because of the former head of the CCP's exploits. Deng economically opened up China to capitalist investment. That's the only reason why Yao is so big, filling every billboard in China. Deng reverses history and closes China back up. Instantly, Yao shrinks from 7'5" to 4'9". Deng punches Yao in the face until Yao dies. It's all over. Deng wins. He'll face Zhou next.

Sun Yatsen vs Puyi
Sun Yatsen, in the name of resurrecting a strong China, revolts against Emperor Puyi, he's known as the last Qing emperor for a reason. Sun ousts the young Puyi from power and continues his quest for empowering the Chinese nation. It's all over. Sun is victorious.

Hu Jintao vs the Leader of the Boxer Uprising
Hu Jintao is a bit worried. Internet voting has put him as a decided underdog to win it all. As he waits, his nerves increase, but he stands still. His feet begin to hurt and he sits down. After much time, the match is called. The Boxer Uprising of 1900 never had a true leader in order to combat the "kill the head and the body will fall" policy of the Qing. It's all over before it starts. Hu stays alive for another round and will face Sun.

Yen Fu vs MC Hotdog
First MC Hotdog busts a few rhymes. Yen Fu bops his head a bit, with a quite confidence. MC Hotdog delivers a few verbal jabs at Yen Fu, but Yen remains steady. Then it's Yen's turn. The late 19th century scholar and textual translator lectures MC Hotdog on principles of democracy and how MC Hotdog should rap about that, its a wicked punch to Hotdog's gut. Then Yen talks about liberalism and Hotdog can't challenge him there either. It's turning into a route. MC Hotdog comes back with the fact that Yen's ideas are all Western-based, but Yen blocks that attempt, claiming that it doesn't matter where the ideas come from as long as it helps the Chinese nation. Anyway, Yen's beliefs are rooted in Chinese tradition more than MC Hotdog's music. MC Hotdog is on the ropes after that wicked counter. Then Yen finishes him off with Social Darwinist theory. "The Chinese man eats the hotdog and is thus a higher form of species." BLAW! it's all over. Yen wins.

Liang Qichao vs Wang Xiaonong
Liang is a smart guy. He knows medicine and political theory. But his fellow late 19th century contemporary, Wang, can act and write plays. He writes a play that nearly convinces Liang of his position. The play compares the destitute situation of China at the turn of the century with that of Poland. If China does not become a strong state, then it will be partitioned just like Poland. Liang is knocked outside of the ring and to the ground. Wang raises his fist in triumph. But here comes Liang with a turkey, the country that Wang inaccurately portrayed as Poland's partitioner in his play. BAM! Liang smacks Wang with a turkey to the face. It's all over. Liang will matchup against Yen Fu in the next round.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Amorous Affirmations

Warm smile, cute face
Right time, right place

Back home, loving embrace
My penis is on fire, should-a worn a condom

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Baltimore Marathon Idiot

On the message board on the Baltimore marathon website, Anonymous wrote:

I loved the race, it was my first 1/2. However, why did people insist on stopping dead at the finish line? I am a big guy, and was trying to finish strong. Two people in front of me crossed the line and stopped on the mat. I may not be the fastest runner (2:16 for the 1/2), but I'm a really good hockey player. It was all I could do not to board those two boneheads.
Please try to keep things moving at the finish.

Listen fucker, run a fucking full marathon and see if you run through the finish line asshole. At 2:16 how fast are you really running at the end anyway? There's no such thing as finishing strong when you're running that slow, fat fuck. What, did you want to walk strong through the finish?

I was quite disappointed with my (FULL!) marathon run, but my average for both halves was still better than 2:16 jerkass. I did run through your finish, in fact I ran 13.1 miles beyond it. What a fucking jackass. Why don't you grab a beer and do what you do best, sit on the fucking toilet and shit out your frustrations. Nothing worse than a wannabe hockey player, who thinks he's the shit. How you gonna fucking threaten to deck people after they just ran 13.1 or 26.2 miles? Who the fuck are you? And running so slow too, if you ran a 2:17, would that be the end of the world? What the fuck is this about? And he had the gall to actually post this shit on a message board. That's an American right there for you. Just making us look bad. I hope he dies of heart disease at a premature age you porkchop-eating beer-swashing fat ass fuck. Damn, I won't be sleeping tonight.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

John Chinaman

In John Fitzgerald's book Awakening China, he refers to the average Chinese person as "John Chinaman." Um, what the fuck? Since when is that scholarly acceptable? I mean the book was published in 1996, not 1896!

The name "John Chinaman" makes no sense anyway. It's as if a Chinese scholar called the average American "Wang Mayguo." Suuuure, there are millions of Wang Mayguos in America, didn't you know? There's nothing Chinese about the name John Chinaman. It's just ridiculous on top of being offensive. What's worse is he could just as easily have written "the average Chinese person..."

Monday, October 16, 2006

Pondering The Taco Bell

Why is a soft-shell taco 10 cents more than a hard-shell taco at the Taco Bell? That doesn't make any fucking sense. Men have been spending millions of dollars to get it hard, no one's paying 10 cents extra to make it soft.

A hard cover book costs a hell of a lot more than a soft cover one. But I guess you don't have to submit two of your tacos to the Library of Congress, do you, little Polish woman (who was furious at the prospect of having to send two copies of her future book to the LOC)? Sorry, bit of a rant there.

Sunday, October 15, 2006

The Prayoffs, Game 4

I gave it my all and in the end I just came up short. I finished the Baltimore marathon in 4:25:19, which is a personal best, but short of the my goal of under 4 hours. Pat Robertson effectively prayed for my failure. As a result, he has taken a 2-1 lead in our best of 7 prayoff series.

I ran the first 10 miles in 1:22 and my halfway split time was 1:50. But I ran the second half of the marathon in 2:35, ending my chance at victory. I will offer no excuses. My G-d didn't come through; Pat Robertson's did, that's all I can say.

Pat Robertson won, no doubt about it. But did he have to pray for my taint to feel like it was on fire? Ugh, it's better today, but my leg muscles are still very tight. I'd like to thank my friend Maggie for lending me her place for the day.

Game 4
I will pray that the Democrats take back the Congress in the 2006 election; Pat Robertson will pray that the Republicans will keep the Congress (or 1 House and a tie in the other for either of us). In the event of a split congress, the tie-breaker will be the Maryland governor's race. (Pat Robertson wins in that event that incumbent Republican Governor Robert Ehrlich retains his position, and I tie the series if Democratic candidate Martin O'Malley wins.)

Game 1: Pat Robertson's prayers for Fidel Castro's death didn't come into fruition in the allotted time. Me 1-0.

Game 2: Pat Robertson was able to pray to his bigoted lord for my romantic loneliness, for 2 weeks anyway. Series tied 1-1.

Game 3: My Jew G-d didn't help me run the Baltimore marathon in under 4 hours. Pat Robertson 2-1.

Friday, October 13, 2006

Marriage In Moderation

When two people know each other for only 2 weeks yet bicker like an 80 year old married couple, then naturally when they've known each other for about a year, they're gonna act like a 257 year old married couple.

Now I know, there's a reason why people die much younger than that!

Thursday, October 12, 2006

I Should Be (3)

a journalist. Hey, my claims are as unsubstantiated as anyone else's. If I drilled a grieving mother as to the whereabouts of her missing 2-year old son, driving her to suicide, I wouldn't devote the entire next month of my show to defecating on her character and implying that she murdered her son.

The roles of a journalist and that of a jury are different. A journalist reports facts and all sides of a debate; a jury determines a person's innocence or guilt. It's a pretty distinct difference. If I was a journalist, I also wouldn't smear makeup all over my face until I covered up the dirtiness. I wouldn't take on an ironic stage name, for example- I would try to "report" with grace, if that happened to be my last name.

I also wouldn't go on the warpath against all people who aren't American (or against those who don't fit my conception of what is an American). I would report all sides of issues such as, let's just say, outsourcing and illegal immigration. If I decided to become an isolationist, I'd save my covertly racist opinions for dinner parties, instead of exclaiming them at the expense of journalism on my CNN television program.

If I heard a hot tip, I'd try to get confirmation before reporting it. I wouldn't attempt to put the fear of Jesus in the viewer/reader, but instead I'd allow the reader to become more knowledgeable about an issue. Or if not more knowledgeable, I at least wouldn't just make shit up.

I wouldn't report facts as opinions. Here, let me give this whole fact thing a try (keep in mind, these are facts, not liberal bias):

  • Al Qaeda and Iraq had no substantial link before the Iraq war.
  • Saddam Hussein had no link to the attacks on September 11, 2001.
  • The war in Iraq has lasted over 3 years.
  • There have been no weapons of mass destruction found in Iraq.
  • Osama bin Laden is still at large.
  • Many more Iraqis have died than lives lost on 9-11 (a report said over 600,000).

Hmm, now I have a weird tingle in my head. And look, I still retained the plot of last week's Laguna Beach.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

To Be A Dictator

In America, we always describe our enemies as "madmen," but this is often a dangerous miscalculation. Here is my perception of what drives these men.

The Dictators/Evil Doers
Saddam Hussein (Iraq, ex-leader)- Would do anything to keep his power, including violently suppressing possible dissidents. Not a madman.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (Iran)- A shrewd politician, who is trying to balance local support with international concerns. A nuclear bomb (at least 5-10 years away, and even then they couldn't deliver it to US shores) would make him an Iranian hero and militarily untouchable. Not a madman nor dangerous to Americans.

Hugo Chavez (Venezuela)- Egomaniac, even for a dictator. He sees himself as an anti-imperialist revolutionary. Not a madman.

Osama bin Laden (al-Qaeda)- I've never been convinced of exactly what his motivation has been. It has nothing to do with women showing their midriff and his antagonism towards America has to do with the country's actions not its principles. Not a madman.

Kim Jong Il (North Korea)- Little is known of Kim. That allows his portrayal as a madman hold a little tighter than the others. If he is a madman and has a nuclear bomb, that is fucking scary (for South Korea). However, if you're going to starve your people, you better devote all your resources to the military, shut off your society from outsiders, and kill dissidents, which Kim has done. So his actions seem to make sense. Let's put him in the category of eccentric egomaniac and not a madman.

Myself (grad student, George Mason University)- Fucking crazy.

Monday, October 09, 2006

Happy Columbus Day!

I went driving today in search of riches. After a long trip, I finally found a house on Land Ho Street. The house was beige with brown shutters and a small porch in the front. There was a plum tree in the front and a pine tree on the left side of the driveway.

I spotted a plasma television in the window and a family of 5 watching Survivor: Racist Edition. I was so happy to find the plasma tv. I rang the bell and they opened the door. Then I murdered them and stole their shit.

In fact, I'm in the house right now. This hi-speed connection is wonderful. I'm just glad the Lord chose me to discover this house. Now I'm going to convert the two cats to Christianity.

Sunday, October 08, 2006

United States of Arbitrary

While attempting to board a plane on Friday, they took away my tooth paste and my after shave. Evidently, you can only carry on liquids if they're under 3 oz. and in a plastic bag. They didn't take my Bengay which didn't meet either qualification.

So now I believe you can carry on a knife, as long as the blade is less than 3 inches, but you can't take tooth paste. And if you want to carry on liquid explosives, you better put that shit in a plastic bag!

What the hell is going on? Listen Congress, stop fucking little children and start making this country safer!

Friday, October 06, 2006

The Prayoffs, Game 3

Game 2 ended in disaster for me. Not only did I not find a lady friend to care for, I didn't even talk to a real live woman over the last two weeks! I'm not good with the ladies. So, Pat Robertson won easily to tie our prayoff series at 1-1.

Game 3 will take place Saturday October 14th. I will pray that I run the Baltimore marathon in under 4 hours. Pat Robertson will pray that it will take me longer to complete the marathon.

I injured my neck running last week somehow (looking down for 10 miles), so running it in under 4 hours would be just short of a miracle at this point. I told my 5 year old cousin that I couldn't play with him because my neck hurt from running. He then ran, fell down, and said, "Ouch, my neck hurts," in a real mocking fashion. Thanks Jacob, and after all of the Dora the Explorer presents I gave you (before they began to fiercely market that show to only girls. What, boys can't have female heroes?!)

You would just love me to fail, wouldn't you Pat Robertson? It would fit your stereotype of the effete super-intellectual Jew. Well Pat, I'm not going to be your Jew-monkey; I'll pray and train and try to retake the series lead.

Series recap
Game 1: I won big when Fidel Castro didn't die in the allotted time and Hugo Chavez said some crazy shit at the UN.

Game 2: Pat Robertson grabbed the victory when I hardly talked to a woman in a 2 week span, let alone found a girlfriend.

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Is Shabbatai Zvi J-Okay?

The year is 1648. Things are not going well for European Jewry, to say the very least. But there are rumblings that a man from the heart of the Ottoman Empire will resuscitate this proud community.

His name is Shabbatai Zvi and he just might be the messiah. At long last! Since before another man named Jesus was claimed to be the Jewish messiah, the Jews have experienced tragedy. Not anymore with the help of this man Zvi.

News spreads across Europe of this man and his potential. Jews begin to hope again an emotion that had only existed in the memories of community elders. Shabbatai Zvi claimed:

"The first-begotten Son of God, Shabbetai Zvi, Messiah and Redeemer of the people of Israel, to all the sons of Israel, Peace! Since ye have been deemed worthy to behold the great day and the fulfillment of God's word by the Prophets, your lament and sorrow must be changed into joy, and your fasting into merriment; for ye shall weep no more. Rejoice with song and melody, and change the day formerly spent in sadness and sorrow into a day of jubilee, because I have appeared."

The Sultan of the Ottoman, Mehmed, gets word of Shabbatai Zvi and his movement. Sultan Mehmed fears this man's power. He demands that the Jewish messiah converts to Islam to do the Sultan's bidding or face the ultimate punishment: death.

You or I would choose conversion and that is understandable. But we do not make messianic claims. Shabbatai Zvi, the so-called messiah, converts to Islam. The Jews are on their own again. For Zvi, his hide is important than martyrdom, more important than his people, more important than hope.

Is Shabbatai Zvi J-okay? Nay.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

I Should Be (2)

the new star on the Animal Planet Network. It's true, I'm not a big fan of animals. In my life, I've only liked 2 dogs, 1 fish, and a few tortoises. With the rest of the animal kingdom I have a deal: you don't bother me, I don't bother you.

If I were the star of Animal Planet, I wouldn't take the nickname of, say, "The Crocodile Hunter" and then pretend that I'm "saving" the very same crocodiles that my nickname suggests that I'm hunting.

I wouldn't wrestle with gators, claiming that I needed to jump on the animal and tie it up, because we have to move it to a pond five feet to the left otherwise it might die. I wouldn't piss off a snake for ratings, though I say it's for the sake of the snake's well-being. I have more respect for the viewer and the animal than that. I also wouldn't continuously prove myself a fraud, even in death, by receiving a sting ray slash to the heart, even though sting rays don't attack unless they feel threatened. And I wouldn't talk with a stupid-ass Australian accent.

Instead, my show would consist of true acts of compassion towards animals. "The Puppy Tolerater" would stop his car when a squirrel jumped in front of his moving vehicle. He would reluctantly pet a friend's dog. He would slip outside when his cat allergy acted up, instead of jumping on the cat to save it like some other deceased so-called animal activists.

I feel for Steve Irwin's family and friends, but the animals are safer.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

I Should Be

a congressperson from Florida. Sure, I don't live in Florida. Sure, I hate that state. But I don't send explicit or suggestive emails and instant messages to 16 year old boys (or girls for that matter).

Unlike Mark Foley, a recently resigned Republican House Representative from Florida, I've never had this conversation:
Maf54: I miss you lots since san diego.
Teen: ya I cant wait til dc
Maf54: :)
Teen: did you pick a night for dinner
Maf54: not yet…but likely Friday
Teen: ok…ill plan for Friday then
Maf54: that will be fun

or one implying that I had/will have sexual relations with an underage child:
Maf54: I want to see you
Teen: Like I said not til feb…then we will go to dinner
Maf54: and then what happens
Teen: we eat…we drink…who knows…hang out…late into the night
Maf54: and
Teen: I dunno
Maf54: dunno what
Teen: hmmm I have the feeling that you are fishing here…im not sure what I would be comfortable with…well see

not even this:
Maf54: What ya wearing?
Teen: tshirt and shorts
Maf54: Love to slip them off of you.

just a little?:
Maf54: Do I make you a little horny?
Teen: A little.
Maf54: Cool.
source: abc news

The most explicit email or message that I've ever sent [and it's been to women OVER THE AGE OF 18!] was "I miss your cute face :)"

I've also never covered up an incident of congressional pedophilia.

I've also not checked myself into an alcohol rehab clinic after my pedophilia scandal, despite the fact that no one ever had even a hint that I had a problem with alcoholism.

All of which, I believe, qualifies me to be a congressperson, even though I may be legally too young. But who would you vote for: the pedophile or the 24 year old?

Monday, October 02, 2006

The 2006 Nats

The Washington Nats finished the 2006 season with a record of 71-91 and last in the NL East. This is 10 games worse than last year. The Nats got off to a bad start this season and could never recover. Despite this, Nats fans have a lot to be optimistic about.

This season saw an absurd amount of injuries to the Nats' starting pitchers and their key relievers. Brian Lawrence, John Paterson, Ryan Drese, Zach Day, and Shawn Hill were starters who missed most of the season. The top right-handed set-up man from last season, Luis Ayala also missed most of the 2006 campaign and so did top lefty Joey Eischen.

The injuries could have a positive impact for years to come. It gave Jon Rausch (4-5, 3.35) a chance to fill in as the set-up guy and do a good job. Saul Rivera (3-0, 3.43) and Ryan Wagner (3-3, 4.70) both had key roles coming out of the bullpen due to the influx of injuries. Mike O'Conner (3-8, 4.80) was up in the majors too early, but perhaps the experience of starting this season may help the lefty for next season. Tony Armas (9-12, 5.03), Ramon Ortiz (11-16, 5.57), and Pedro Astacio (5-5, 5.93) held down the starting rotation. The Nats' pitching obviously struggled and was the worst in the league, even playing in gigantic RFK. Even with a healthy rotation next season, the Nats are going to have to sure up the pitching staff.

The Nats improved their offense this season from last. Alfonso "So So" Soriano (.277 46 hr 95 rbis, 41 sb) was easily the team's best player. He must be resigned during the offseason for the Nats to have any hope of contending next season. Ryan "Z" Zimmerman (.287, 20, 110, 11) played a great defensive 3rd base and was a huge asset in the lineup. He should be Rookie of the Year and will hopefully only get better. Nickie Johnson finally stayed healthy for most of the year and put up good numbers (.290, 23, 77, 10). Still, the team needs better production from the 1st base slot. Jose Vidro's numbers were low this season and the Nats may have to find a replacement, perhaps young Bernie Castro, who gives the Nats batting order a lot of speed.

Nook Logan (.300 in 90 at bats) may fill in as the Nats lead-off hitter and centerfielder if he has a good spring next year. Soriano, Logan, Castro and newly acquired shortstop Felipe Lopez (.274, 11, 52, 44) give the Nats a ton of speed on the bases. Austin Kerns (.264, 24, 86) was traded for with Lopez and is a good prospect. But, Kerns needs to raise that average, lower his team-leading strikeout total, and play a better rightfield. At catcher, Brian Schneider (.256, 4, 55) raised his average about 30 points over the last couple of months of the season and his a great defender.

Frank Robinson managed his last major league game in 2006. It's difficult to express how great it has been to have a legend manage the new Nats over the last two seasons. He brought an aura of professionalism to a team that needed it. I foresee the Nats being good for many years, beginning in a few, and Frank Robinson deserves a lot of that credit. Thanks Frank!

The new manager will have a strong and unique batting order, but a questionable defense and holes to fill on the pitching staff for 2007. The NL East is also a tough division. All in all, things are looking up for the Nats though.