Thursday, January 31, 2008

Disenfranchise Old Voters

Everyone agrees that it's important to encourage our young people to vote. However, fewer people have the courage to advocate voter suppression of our older people.

Our older generations have messed things up for us and then they have the nerve to talk to us with condescension. Well, you can stick your condescension where the Preparation H don't shine!

Politicians pander to these pathological livers. Due to this, we get legislation that only positively impacts the oldest among us. Both the politicians and the pundits talk about politics in such a stale manner. Of course the younger generation isn't interested. We're too smart to waste our time on that junk; do you know how much porn there is on the internet?

I read that a man supported Huckabee because the former governor who believes gay marriage and abortion should be constitutionally outlawed is "friendly." That man was old, 80 years old. Another old man said that he wouldn't support Giuliani until he "got his act together with all those marriages." Considering the primary was on Tuesday and the article was written on Sunday, there's not a whole lot Giuliani could've done with that besides not getting a divorce and remarrying on Monday. Maybe you have to be a geriatric to understand the logic and why that would influence the way someone voted.

I heard old people referred to as "the greatest generation." You know who else was part of that generation? Nazis. I don't think they were so great.

My final beef with old people involves those ridiculous rambling rants they always go on. It leaves you wondering, 'what was the point of all that?'

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Clinton, Romney, McCain, Old People

An election update:

Hillary Clinton - After all of the Democratic party agreed that the state of Florida wouldn't be allowed to seat any delegates at the convention because they set their primary too early, Clinton is advocating for the opposite now that she won the meaningless vote there. That's fairly dishonest. When I play video games with my 6-year old cousin and he's losing, he always restarts the game. But if we're just having a practice game and he's winning, suddenly it counts. It's hypocritical and infuriating. Now imagine if a 60-year old presidential candidate was doing the same thing. At least my little cousin has the decency to not use racially polarizing language while he does it.

Mitt Romney - Of late, Romney has been taking a shot at John McCain by claiming that people should vote for Romney because he's actually had a job in the economy. McCain wasn't able to run a business, because he was held captive in a North Vietnamese Prisoner of War camp for many years!! It's a very slimy and heartless remark.

John McCain - John McCain has no problem keeping U.S. troops in Iraq for 100 years. Make it a thousand. McCain is a military man. He understands military tactics. He clearly doesn't understand the social, political, or historical situation in Iraq. Iraqis don't want any American presence in their country because we ruined it. Americans will always be in danger if they're left in Iraq. I'm going to go to McCain's house, which I hear has leaky pipes. I'm gonna blow it up and kill his family and then offer to help build him a better house. I'm sure he won't have any problem with that!

Old people - Old people made up a large portion of the Florida vote. That is a very scary proposition. You must be 18 years old to be allowed to vote, you should be under a certain age to be allowed to vote as well. An 84-year old should not be given the chance to determine the future. Their future is in the past. I feel the same way with driver's licenses. If you've ever driven in Florida you know the road features a combination of dangerously confused older people and frustrated crazy younger people. By younger people, I mean anybody under 55.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

State of the Union Reaction

The thing I take away most from the State of the Union address, George Bush's last, is that old white men sure loved it. They stood up and cheered like it was a Pat Boone concert. Well, except for the one guy who fell asleep. Meanwhile, the gays, blacks, Jews, Latinos, and women across the aisle sat quietly throughout much of the speech, much like if it was a, well, also a Pat Boone concert.

Early on it in the speech, Mr. Bush displayed a wry smile a few times. There can only be one reason for the wide smirk. He farted on Nancy Pelosi. A bit later, Vice President Dick Cheney, who no longer has a sense of smell, lifted his left buttock and passed gas aimed at Ms. Pelosi. Pelosi looked directly at Mr. Cheney afterwards with distaste. The double fart attack clearly had an affect on Ms. Pelosi, who spent most of the address blinking heavily, wiggling her nose, and looking down due to depression over what had just transpired.

At one point, the camera showed Hillary Clinton and then went back to the three at the center of attention, including Ms. Pelosi. It made me imagine a potential matchup for president between the two. I would easily support Pelosi over Clinton.

Two other women were fighting for the admiration of the current president. Laura Bush and Condoleezza Rice seemed to have a clap-off to see who could show agreement with Mr. Bush's remarks more fervently. Poor Condy. Standing front and center, clapping her little heart out. Forbidden love can be so painful.

Ted Kennedy was sitting right next to Barack Obama, like two buds at a third grade lunch table. In the back, virtually alone was John Kerry- who also endorsed Mr. Obama- yesterday's news.

The speech itself was another ideological and divisive one. A few token gestures to the other side, but largely the same old George Bush. I admire his stance on undocumented immigration, even if I don't totally agree with it, but if only he had expressed that type of reasonable and sensible thinking over the past seven years. Far fewer people would have died.

Monday, January 28, 2008

Evil Leaders League, Week 2

The offical site of the ELL is here. Here are the results from the week in the ELL:

Chavez vs Kim
Hugo Chavez, the top hombe in Venezuela, has called for a military alliance among countries in the Western Hemisphere against the United States. You cheeky bastard! That's just not right. What did we ever do to you? ... Oh, right. Kim Jong-Il of North Korea is in a fantasy bocce ball league with other leaders of the world. The commissioner of the fantasy league is Syrian foreign minister Walid Moallem. Moallem writes a week in review to inform the participants about the league's happenings. Well, Moallem made a raunchy joke about the death of Indonesia's former dictator Suharto. Kim was great friends with Suharto and flipped out over the joke. He left Moallem an angry, cuss-filled, threatening, and homophobic message on his cell phone. He also texted a nonsensical slew of slurs. The league overwhelming felt that Kim had crossed the line and probably needs psychological help.
winner: Chavez

al-Bashir vs Putin
Sudan has a leader named Omar al-Bashir. Mr. al-Bashir traveled to Tripoli in order to try and quell border tensions between Sudan and Chad. The meeting was a total failure as al-Bashir called Chadien president Idriss Deby "a pussy." He continued, "Idriss Deby is a loser and his country's name is stupid. Remember in the 2000 U.S. election they had a dispute about hanging chad. I thought it was a good idea. I can keep going. Idriss Deby has two girl names. He eats raw goat balls."

Vladimir Putin is the current president of Russia. With the Russian election on the horizon, Putin has barred his intended successor's rival, Mikhail Kasyanov, from running for president. Kasyanov has dreamed of leading Russia since he was a boy. Those dreams are dashed now. His wish to receive a blowjob from a young intern while he sits at his desk has been dismantled and cruelly put to death by Putin. It's better than what Putin usually does, put his rivals to death, not just their dreams of fellatio. But Putin has a long way to go to catch up to al-Bashir.
winner: al-Bashir

Hu vs Musharraf
Hu Jintao is the head chef at the restaurant known as China. He has been visiting other restaurants to forge ties, presumably to eradicate the world of hot dogs and hamburgers. In the words of John Stewart's 90-year old grandfather, "The Chinese are a sneaky people." Pervez Musharraf of Pakistan doesn't have a friend in the world. He has shot down a U.S. proposal to expand the war on terror in Pakistan. Al Qaeda hates him. The U.S. is pissed at him. The moderates in Pakistan think he's a schmuck. There is only one person less liked in the world than Musharraf. Me.
winner: Musharraf

Ahmadinejad vs Mugabe
Iran's Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is a lot like Bigfoot. His power lies in the irrational fear he creates. Except Ahmadinejad is quite short, so maybe we'll call him Littlefoot. He's headed to Iraq soon (at the request of the Iraqi government), which really pisses off the U.S. for some reason. Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe has done enough evilness to force his opposition, the MDC, to consider boycotting the upcoming election. An opposition boycott to an election is the evil leader's version of an orgasm. And in the aftermath, there's a lot of shame and regret.
winner: Ahmadinejad

al-Bash 2-0
Chavez 2-0
Mushar 2-0
Kim J-I 1-1
Ahmad 1-1
Putin 0-2
Mugabe 0-2
Hu Jin 0-2

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Moan for the Democrats in South Carolina

In the song Love and Happiness, Al Green moans for love. In I Can't Get Next to You, he moans about it. In South Carolina Democratic voters moaned for Barack Obama.

(This is a good point to stop for a moment. Al Green's so-called moans were really squeals. The South Carolina Democratic voters' moans were really votes. Now that we've cleared that up...)

Obama dominated the South Carolina contest. Many attribute this domination to voter reaction against subtle racist attacks by Bill Clinton, in an attempt to pin Obama as "the black candidate," because the electorate in South Carolina has a large black population.

Obama easily won the black vote and was competitive in the white vote. This information is essential to any article on the South Carolina Democratic contest because people only consider their race when voting. People who voted for "change" overwhelmingly went for Obama. Those desiring "experience" voted for Hillary Clinton. This is a far cry from the days when Lincoln and Douglas used to have four-hour debates that usually consisted of more than one word. Although the media did portray the race as "beard" versus "shaved."

But this brings up the question: What if you're a black person and favor "experience" or you're white and want "change." Just kill yourself now. Or vote for John Edwards.

Black women decided this primary contest for Obama. Apparently, their decision making practices consist of standing in front of a mirror naked and weighing which is more important to them: their skin color or their vagina.

As the election progress, we now more to February 5th, where people in those states will vote for a candidate based on some arbitrary reason created by the media.

A side note: Bill Richardson finished 4th in South Carolina. He received 800 votes. That might not seem like a lot, but it's 800 more votes than you got! Unless you're Mike Gravel, searching the internet for different blogs. Then it's about 600 more votes than you. Welcome sir.

Friday, January 25, 2008

Sports Names

When I was younger we used to try to make a string of names using the previous player's last name as the next one's first name. But I don't remember any of the one's from when I was young, so I'm going to start my own and add to it when I remember.

Jeff George Brett...
Jeff George Michael Nolan Ryan...
Jason David Terrell Brandon Roy...
Don Nelson George Will James Blake Stepp.*
Jason David Lee Humphrey Bogart.**

*Hey, George Will was on Ken Burns' Baseball. I'm sure Nelson George has written about sports at some point of his life.
**Humphrey Bogart could've been in a sports movie, you don't know that.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Hu's on First

Abbott: I'm manging a baseball team filled with Asian ballplayers. Would you like to learn a little bit about them?
Costello: Sure. Let's start with the first baseman. Who's on first?
Abbott: Right. Hu's on first.
Costello: What? I'm asking you! Never mind. Let's just move on. Who's on second?
Abbott: Lee.
Costello: What are you doing Bud, that's not part of the act.
Abbott: Lou, I just can't take this shit any more. I hate this routine; it's so illogical. What are the odds that there would be a baseball team filled with these surnames? Nobody has the last name "I don't know," it just doesn't make any sense.
Costello: Dammit Bud. Don't start this again. You're such an arrogant cow turd. [storms off]

... and scene.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

The Stupid Test

If you get any of the below questions wrong or cannot complete any of the tasks, you are too stupid to live.

The Test
1) The Wizards have 84 points. The Knicks have 74 points. How many points are the Wizards winning by? (The answer is not 84, you stupid fucking retard kid sitting behind me at the Knick game!!)

2) What is 2 divided by 3? (No, it's not .5, you stupid fucking retard kid's father!!)

3) Locate your country on a map.

4) Carry on a conversation with another human being for at least five minutes without making the other person feel uncomfortable.

5) Use the word "ironic" (or the equivalent in your language. If your language does not have an equivalent, lucky you, skip this question) correctly in a sentence. (Hint: The fact that the lyrics in Alanis Morissette's song Ironic are not ironic is ironic. Use a different example.)

5) If you've ever said, "I'm so hungry I could literally eat a horse," or any other blatant misuse of the word "literally," (unless you were being ironic) you got this one wrong. Time to end it.

6) If you've ever laughed at a Jeff Foxworthy joke, you might have failed this test already.

7) Who is the president (or recognized leader) of your country?

8) (If you are not a neo-nazi, skip this one) Make a reasoned and/or logical argument for why blacks, Jews, and Mexicans are inferior to "pure" white people... Not good enough, kill yourself.

9) Respond to this comment: "I'm running a marathon."
Did you answer, "Oh wow, how long is the one you're running?" If so, you lose. (It's a marathon dumbass! A marathon is a fixed distance. They're all the same moron.)

10) Go through life without being the object of Chris Hansen's scorn on Dateline's To Catch A Predator series.

Congratulations, you are not too stupid to live!

Monday, January 21, 2008

Evil Leaders League, Season 3

This is the third season of the Evil Leaders League. The league will continue to consist of 8 evil leaders. Five participants are returning from last season, two are new, and one has climbed his way back up since being relegated in the first season. This is a round-robin league, much like the English Premier League soccer, not a tournament. There will be a playoffs at the end of the regular season. This season's Evil Leaders League (ELL) is dedicated to Benazir Bhutto. Each week will be updated at the new official homepage of the ELL.

Let's meet the competitors:
Omar al-Bashir - in charge of Sudan since 1989. Champion last season.
Hugo Chavez - president of Venezuela since 1999. Finished 2nd.
Vladimir Putin - running things in Russia since 1999. Finished 3rd.
Kim Jong-Il - the man in North Korea since 1994. Finished 4th
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad - president of Iran since 2005. Finished 5th.
Robert Mugabe - president of Zimbabwe, ruling since 1980. Back.
Hu Jintao - leader of China since 2003. New.
Pervez Musharraf - president of Pakistan since 1999. New.

Week 1
Mugabe vs al-Bashir
The leader of Zimbabwe, Robert Mugabe, was relegated after the first season. It was most unfortunate because he turned up the evil upon hearing the disappointing news. With Zimbabwe experiencing an incredible economic crisis, fueled by Weimar-like inflation, the pressure on Mugabe was mounting. But like any great evil leader, Mugabe put out the fire. Shit is still terrible in Zimbabwe, but there are fewer people complaining about it now. Jailings, killings, and limitations on free speech- that's why Mugabe is back. Sudanese ruler Omar al-Bashir is the two-time defending ELL champion. The reason? Genocide in Darfur. Besides massacring a group of people, the government-funded militias also partake in the act of raping women. During the offseason, al-Bashir wanted in on that action. But don't tell anyone. He also went to Turkey.
winner: al-Bashir

Putin vs Musharraf
Vladimir Putin is the president of Russia. His term will end probably towards the end of the ELL regular season. However, if his boy Dmitry Medvedev wins the presidential election, Putin said he wouldn't mind becoming prime minister. Can you believe that? Russia is such a backward country. Imagine a former two-term president came back to the White House in some capacity in the United States? It would never happen because we don't have a monarchy here in the good ole U.S. of A. I want to call Putin a monarch, but I don't know which spelling I like better, Czar or Tsar.

Pervez Musharraf is the president of Pakistan. He's had quite a year. After serving his country effectively, Musharraf sensed his time in charge was ending. Like an aging actor who won't go gentle into that good night, Musharraf did everything he could to hang on. You think he should relinquish his military uniform, goodbye. You question the credibility of the election, adios. You think his mustache is gay, welcome to the most anal-rapiest prison. The people of Pakistan have had enough. They want Musharraf gone. Musharraf is so despised, if Jackie Mason ran against him for the Presidency of Pakistan, the Jewish comedian would win. In December, his rival Benazir Bhutto was assassinated. Musharraf popped champagne. Now if only someone would off that pesky Nawaz Sharif, the ELL championship won't be far behind.
winner: Musharraf

Hu vs Kim
Hu Jintao is the leader of China. Many believe that he is sitting on a sleeping giant that could potentially dominate the world. It's his penis. Kim Jong-Il has been running North Korea since Tonya Harding was in the spotlight for her skating ability. It has been reported that someone called the diminutive ruler "Kimmy," and Kim Jong-Il bit the man's balls right off of his body. I will not say anything bad about the wonderful and all-powerful leader of North Korea.
winner: Kim

Ahmadinejad vs Chavez
Two old favorites in the ELL. The Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad made news by speaking at Columbia University in New York. He was granted a rather curt welcome and was chagrined for saying that there are no gays in Iran. For some reason that raised his evil prowess. I bet their aren't any gay people in 7 of these countries according to each country's ruler (Kim is an aficionado of the theater). Unfortunately for Ahmadinejad, it turns out all of his tough talk on nuclear weapons was as fake as his accent (Tehran my ass, I know Isfahan Farsi when I hear it!). The Venezuelan president is Hugo Chavez. He admitted that he chews coco leaves, from which cocaine is made. That's Chavez's way of saying, "Fuck you," to America's war on drugs. Everything this man does, every bone in his body, is anti-American.
winner: Chavez

al-Bash 1-0
Chavez 1-0
Kim J-I 1-0
Mushar 1-0
Putin 0-1
Ahmad 0-1
Hu Jin 0-1
Mugabe 0-1

Sunday, January 20, 2008

Fred Thompson - A Closer Look

Fred Thompson is a former senator from Tennessee and a candidate for the Republican presidential nomination.

Thompson wants Roe v. Wade overturned. He believes that abortion is an issue best left to the states.

Thompson wants tougher security on the Mexican border and existing immigration laws enforced. He would cut federal funding to 'sanctuary cities' and prevent employers hiring undocumented immigrants. He thinks those stipulations would stop the flow of illegal immigration. Thompson stated, "Nobody's advocating that these people all be rounded up." He clearly hasn't paid attention to the immigration policies of his Republican competitor. Thompson personally intervened on behalf of undocumented immigrants before his run for president.

He trusts General Petraeus and would leave U.S. troops in Iraq as long as the General prescribed. Thompson believes invading Iraq was the right thing to do.

Fred Thompson believes that Iran is the most dangerous country in the world. He believes that Iran is developing nuclear technology despite the recent National Intelligence Estimate saying otherwise. His tough talk would leave one to assume that he would attack Iran if elected.

Thompson wants Musharraf to survive and wouldn't force Pakistan to do anything that is not in their best interest. He would threaten to cut aid to influence Pakistan's desire to go after al Qaeda.

Here are some irrelevant fun facts:
  • Holds the world record for most face wrinkles
  • Sleeps 17.6 hours a day
  • Banged Lady Bird Johnson back when it "meant" something
  • Acting debut on the old Amos and Andy radio show
  • Will drop out of the race as soon as someone tells him he's running

Saturday, January 19, 2008

Bobby Fischer is Dead

Jewish chess champion and rabid anti-Semite, Bobby Fischer, died yesterday. Nobody lit a yahrzeit candle for him.

As a young boy, Bobby Fischer was a very famous chess king. By the end of his life he had faded and become a pawn of the anti-Semites. (Chess pun, BAM!) Fischer became my arch-nemesis along the way. I despised him. He was a real live Shabbatai Zvi for me, minus the charisma. He was a symbol of something. For me, both Fischer and Zvi symbolized the heights a little Jewish boy could reach and the sting of betrayal.

Bobby Fischer is dead. This is a time to rejoice. But it brings up an interesting question on anti-Semitism. I postulated with my gentile friend, but he couldn't respond because that would anti-Semitic. How is my friend to feel? He can't be happy that Bobby Fischer died, because he's a Jew and that would make my friend an anti-Semite. He can't be sad that Bobby Fischer died because he was a rabid anti-Semite and that would make my friend the same. If my friend was indifferent, you best believe that would be anti-Semitic. It's a real quandary.

My brother and I had just started making jokes about Bobby Fischer last weekend. Perhaps, we're responsible for his death. A man can dream.

Bobby Fischer's death has got me thinking about other Jews I wish were dead. For starters, William Kristol, Paul Wolfowitz, Jonah Goldberg, Joe Lieberman, and that rabbi from Dateline caught on To Catch A Predator.

Friday, January 18, 2008

Why Not Listen?

I've heard many people say that this world needs more love. Personally, I think they're full of shit. Love is overrated.

I'm worried about a new trend across the globe. That is the trend of only seeking out information that reinforces one's own belief system. We need to listen to one another more, no matter how fucking crazy the opinion. We need to have the capacity to empathize with each other, despite the apparent mental imbalance of the other person.

A guy told me a story where he broke into the house of an Iraqi family. Once inside, he wouldn't leave and just destroyed the place. The kicker was he actually blamed the family for not fixing their house in a timely manner. The family begged him to just leave and they would take care of their own shit. The guy told me that even before he left their house, he was already thinking about breaking into the house next door. I hope somebody stops him.

You know, it's obvious that this guy has "his own reality" to put it nicely. But it's important not to dismiss him or anyone else who has a drastically different point of view, morality, or vision of the world.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

MD, DC, VA Hip Hop

Here's a list of Hip Hop emcees and producers repping Maryland, Washington DC, and Northern Virginia. They're all great, check them out.

Asheru, Kenn Starr, Panacea, Storm the Unpredictable, Kev Brown, Priest Da Nomad, Poemcees, Wale, The Unknown, Cy Young, Oddisee, O.U.O. (aka Zimbabwe Legit), Native Deen, Kaimbr, IQ, Opus Akoben, RoddyRod, Grap Luva.

"I've decided to carve my own niche and approach every live show like a sales pitch."- Asheru

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Twins Marry

There was a story about twins separated at birth who met and married...


(... fraternal twins obviously. Come on, you knew that.)

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Facebook and Birthdays

Here's a story about a guy who called up all of his friends on his birthday and told them to write him a note on Facebook so he would look like less of a loser...


Monday, January 14, 2008

Lou Dobbs Questions Dora the Explorer

Television pundit Lou Dobbs has raised questions over the immigration status of child star Dora the Explorer. "A lot of illegal immigrants are stealing jobs from good hard-working Americans. I believe the legality of her status should be checked, yes," said Dobbs, who has long spoke out against illegal immigration.

Dobbs believes that the long-standing issue of undocumented immigrants entertaining children has been wide-spread. "This is a list that includes Speedy Gonzalez, Jose Jimenez, and that Taco Bell dog."

Dora the Explorer is a television star, who has delighted small children over the past few years. She could not be reached for comment.

When asked why Dobbs would bring such a controversial issue into the realm of children's television, he told a story of hearing his grandchildren say, "Thank you. Gracias," whenever someone passed the butter at the dinner table. Dobbs' horror at the incident propelled him into action. He studied the television shows they watched until he found the culprit.

"I am trying to protect my grandchildren from all of the bad things in this world. It is not an easy job," Dobbs defiantly declared when reporters confronted him with the reality that Dora the Explorer was a fictitious cartoon character.

Dobbs continued, "I believe it is right to ask questions. I will never stop fighting for the well-being of my grandchildren. I am a hero."

Friday, January 11, 2008

Still Vote for Bill Richardson

Bill Richardson dropped out of the presidential race yesterday. I’m still going to vote for him anyway. A primary is not about voting for the winner, it's about voting your conscious. It's about voting for the candidate that you feel is best equipped to run the country.

The way the system works is that we let a very small number of people dictate who is a viable candidate. If you don't do well in Iowa or New Hampshire, suddenly the media writes you off. Are you gonna let a bunch of corn-fuckers tell you who to vote for? Or a bunch of gun-toting, leaf-changing freaks? NO! If enough people vote for Bill Richardson, he'd accept the nomination. He's just had to stop campaigning because of our corrupt primary system. It's ridiculous. So if you were going to vote for Bill Richardson, still vote for him. If you are undecided, still consider him (and the other candidates who were forced to drop out). And if you weren't going to vote for Bill Richardson, you might want to change your mind or I'll break your thumbs.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Me, The Genius

Last night I was listening to some Gershwin and it made me wish I was a genius at something, anything. The reviews are in and I don't think it's going to happen.

"His jokes are less funny the than shower scene in Schindler's List." - Tuscaloosa Jewish Weekly
"Not a fan." - neo-nazi Bill Riccio
"He'll never be accused of being smart, having talent, or achieving success." -
"I wish he was dead." - The girl I like
"The only thing uglier than his face is his soul." - The other girl I like
"He doesn't brush enough." - The dentist
"Even for a man so tiny, his penis is small." - The doctor
"I wish his mother had gone through with the abortion." - My grandmother
"He makes Woody Allen look self-assured and well-adjusted." - Woody Allen's therapist
"He's a loser." - Same grandmother
"When it's time for me and my friends to brag about our grandchildren, I fake an attack of irritable bowel syndrome and get the hell out of there." - Grandma again

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

New Hampshire Primary

So Hillary Clinton shockingly won the New Hampshire Democratic primary after trailing by double digits in the polls yesterday. Everyone on television wrote her off. Do you ever get the feeling that so-called political experts know absolutely nothing?

Sure, polling is an inexact science. After the Iowa win, I fully expected Obama to coast to victory. I was wrong. I'm also not an expert and nobody pays me to be or listens to my political punditry. After thirty years of experience covering political campaigns, you would think an expert would know enough to realize they don't know what will happen. Instead, putting things into context might be a better route. Instead of focusing on a candidate crying, how about considering her nuanced stances on the issues?

Sure message and campaign strategy are relevant, but not more than the issues. The media's role should be to educate a busy country, not buying into hollow buzzwords like change and experience (how and what have you done specifically). I must be honest, I don't care if someone does or doesn't cry. That really doesn't impact who I vote for. I cry all the time. I've cried at the Adam Sandler movie, Big Daddy. I've cried at a Disney commercial. Hell, I've even cried at... well it's hard to top those two. But that's besides the point, this is not a high school election.. oh, I've cried during at least three different Boondocks episodes. Where was I? Oh yeah, the fate of our country, the world is at stak... oh, a Puff Daddy song- I won't tell you which one, but you could guess.

Monday, January 07, 2008

Vote Bill Richardson in New Hampshire

Vote for Bill Richardson in New Hampshire!

He's the only Democratic candidate who will get every troop out of Iraq. Obama, Edwards, and Clinton would leave residual forces in Iraq. That would only serve to maintain anti-American sentiment in Iraq and continue to put our men and women at risk. John McCain has no problem leaving American forces there for 100 years! Do you want your great grandchildren to still be fighting in Iraq?

As a hostage negotiator, Bill Richardson has thrived in the most trying situations. He has the experience. If elected, Bill Richardson would be the first Mexican president. He will change the status quo.

Bill Richardson will even let you keep your precious guns.

Vote for Bill Richardson in New Hampshire!

Sunday, January 06, 2008

Iowa's Bloated Role

Iowa is the first state that helps decide the candidates for the president of the United States. People actually vote based on the results of the Iowa outcome. In 2004, a win by John Kerry in Iowa propelled him to the nomination without much of a fight. As it turned out, he crumbled under the slightest pressure applied by George Bush. Bush called him a flip-flopper who raped children in Vietnam and Kerry countered several years later arguing that the sex was consensual and furthermore that he had always held that position.

Basically, we let 300,000 people in an incestuous state like Iowa decide the two candidates who have a shot in hell of winning the presidency. We are a nation of 300 million people. Only 0.1% of the population have a real voice in who will face off in the general election. Obama won the Democratic portion of that 0.1% with just 38%. Huckabee only grabbed 34% of the Republican part of that 0.1%. It'd be nice if some of the rest of us had a say, especially for those of us whose parents weren't related before marriage.

Saturday, January 05, 2008

NFL Predictions

My goal has always been to predict an entire playoffs in any sport exactly correct (excludng the scores). Just once in my life!

Wild Card Round
Seattle 27-14 Washington
NY Giants 28-16 Tampa Bay
San Diego 24-17 Tennessee
Jacksonville 14-9 Pittsburgh

Divisional Round
Dallas 31-21 NY Giants
Green Bay 34-22 Seattle
New England 12-7 Jacksonville
Indianapolis 28-20 San Diego

Conference Championship
Dallas 31-10 Green Bay
New England 24-21 Indianapolis

Super Bowl XLII
New England 21-17 Dallas

I really want the Patriots to lose, but I went the conservative route with these predictions. In the AFC, San Diego is poised to surprise some people, especially if they face the Colts, who are weaker than the team the Chargers beat earlier in the year. I just can't put my faith in Norv Turner and Phillip Rivers is too inconsistent. Jacksonville is very good. They have a tough multi-dimensional running game, a hard-nosed defense, and an efficient QB. I was tempted to pick them to go all the way, but I don't see them winning in New England.

In the NFC, Seattle is the sleeper. I would've picked them in Dallas, but if they win, they play in Green Bay. Not an enviable challenge. The Giants are a team that could go on a roll all the way to the Super Bowl or they could fall flat in the first game. I'm predicting somewhere in between.

Friday, January 04, 2008

The Prayoffs, Final

I anxiously awaited the return of Jesus Christ all year. Unless I missed something, Mr. Christ never appeared. Let's revisit what the hell I'm talking about.

It all began when I wanted to determine once and for all: Who is the one true Lord? So, I challenged Pat Robertson to a pray-off. We prayed our hardest over six different contests with each winning three. It all came down to Game 7.

In the spring of 2003, Pat Robertson claimed on his program 700 Club that the second coming of Jesus will take place during 2007. His reasoning was that it was 40 years after the 6-day war, which supposedly gave Israel its biblical borders. It makes sense if you don't think about it too much. In other news, Barry Bonds played his last season with the Pittsburgh Pirates 15 years ago, so I'm hoping this is the year my backne (back acne) disappears.

Anyway, the competition was: If Jesus came back in 2007, then Pat Robertson would win the Prayoff series and his would be the one true lord. If Jesus, did not come back during 2007, I would win the prayoff series, and my G-d is the one true lord. Simple enough.

I'm pretty sure the Rapture didn't happen last year. Britney Spears shaved her head, but I think that was something else entirely. So...

I WIN!!!!!!!!!!
Abortions and gay marriages for all!!!

Oh, and G-d is a force that transcends our understanding, so everyone has to stop claiming to be the Lord's spokesperson. Suck on it, Pat Robertson! Yes!

Thursday, January 03, 2008

Vote Bill Richardson in Iowa

Caucus for Bill Richardson in Iowa!

The three Democratic frontrunners would leave troops in Iraq indefinitely.
Bill Richardson would end the war and remove all troops from Iraq.

Caucus for Bill Richardson in Iowa!

He has the experience:
Congressman for 14 years
Secretary of Energy
Ambassador to the U.N.
Current Governor of New Mexico

He's dealt with the world's most dangerous leaders and successfully obtained the release of numerous hostages. He knows how to deal with the people wishing us harm, without going to war.

Caucus for Bill Richardson in Iowa!

He has executive experience, foreign policy experience, and is a voice for change. He would end the U.S. horrific involvement in Iraq, Clinton, Edwards, and Obama wouldn't. He is the only candidate calling to get rid of No Child Left Behind and has the most ambitious education plan.

And yes, he'll even let you keep your precious guns.

Caucus for Bill Richardson in Iowa!

Wednesday, January 02, 2008

Mike Huckabee - A Closer Look

Mike Huckabee is a former governor from Arkansas and a candidate for the Republican presidential nomination.

Mike Huckabee has been consistently anti-abortion. However, he hasn't been consistent when it comes to whether it is an issue for the states or the federal government.

In an interview with John Hawkins of Right Wing News in April 2006, Huckabee was asked if Roe v Wade shown be overturned. He responded:

It would please me because I think Roe v. Wade is based on a real stretch of Constitutional application -- that somehow there is a greater privacy issue in the abortion concern -- than there is a human life issue -- and that the federal government should be making that decision as opposed to states making that decision.

So, I've never felt that it was a legitimate manner in which to address this and, first of all, it should be left to the states, the 10th Amendment, but secondly, to somehow believe that the taking of an innocent, unborn human life is about privacy and not about that unborn life is ludicrous.

In a November 23, 2007 article in The Examiner, Huckabee says the exact opposite. From the article:

The former Baptist pastor says it is not enough to overturn Roe v. Wade, a move that would leave individual states to decide whether to keep abortion legal. Huckabee also wants the U.S. Constitution amended to outlaw the procedure nationally.

"If abortion is a political issue, and that's all it is, then fine, have 50 versions," Huckabee told The Examiner in an interview. "But if we have determined, as many of us have, that it's a moral issue, then you can't have 50 different versions of what's right and what's wrong."

Huckabee likened abortion to suffrage and slavery, issues of such moral consequence that they had to be decided nationally. He said allowing individual states to decide abortion would diminish its importance to the level of speeding laws.

Huckabee has promoted himself as the genuine candidate. He has also been inconsistent in other areas.

Huckabee was originally very bold on the issue. He stated his consternation over the immigration debate sometimes bordering on racism. While governor of Arkansas, Huckabee allowed deserving children of undocumented immigrants to receive college scholarships. He also criticized the federal government for a raid on undocumented workers that did not take into account the care of their children. He recently defended those two positions saying, "We are a better country than to punish children for what their parents did."

Recently, Huckabee totally changed his tune. He laid out a plan where undocumented immigrants would have to register with Immigration and voluntarily leave the country within 120 days, otherwise they would be deported and barred from returning to the U.S. for ten years. It is a short-sighted proposal that does not account for the impact the departure of undocumented immigrants will have on their communities and gives no incentive for the immigrants to register.

Foreign Policy
In some foreign policy areas, Huckabee has refreshing compassion for a Republican. He favors an exhaustive diplomatic effort with Iran, leaving the possibility of war as a last resort. He has criticized Bush for the president's "go it alone" attitude and "arrogant bunker mentality" when it comes to dealing with the rest of the world. Huckabee also criticized Bush for not listening to his generals with regards to the number of troops required to stabilize Iraq in the wake of the U.S. invasion.

However, in other foreign policy areas, Huckabee is either ill-informed or irrationally bellicose. He was unaware of the National Intelligence Estimate that asserted Iran had ceased their nuclear program in 2003. He advocates leaving troops in Iraq as long as General Petraeus deems it necessary. With regards to Pakistan, his gaffs in the wake of the Benazir Bhutto assassination are well documented. He has also called for violating international law by attacking al Qaeda within the borders of Pakistan, regardless of whter or not permission for such an invasion is granted.

Here are some irrelevant (and possibly inaccurate) fun facts:
  • Before losing a lot of weight, he used to wrestle in the WWF under the name Yokozuna
  • He made 1,033 pardons as Gov., all to convicted gay bashers
  • Would use waterboarding techniques against AIDS patients
  • Bin Laden's mother was gonna have an abortion until Huckabee talked her out of it
  • Believes women should submit to their husbands, but assures he's not a sexist

Tuesday, January 01, 2008

New Year's Resolutions

Here are a few of my resolutions for the new year:
  • To be nicer to people I care about, and meaner in fantasy sports leagues.
  • To harass, harangue, and humiliate neo-nazis.
  • To see more of the U.S.
  • To get back to 2005 in the frequency and voracity in which I stroke my beard.
  • For the "ladies" to not be as repulsed by me. I don't know why I put the quotes around ladies. That wasn't a good start.
  • To talk to people a little more.
  • Fix my ashy left elbow. Maybe find out why it's only the left.
  • No pink sock.