Tuesday, February 24, 2015

New Mental Disorder Discovered

A scientific study finds that parking illegally in handicap spots is associated with a newly discovered mental disorder. The illness is called Narcissistic Psychopathic Douchebag Disorder and it affects roughly 75% of Americans.

The disorder apparently comes in several different forms. There's the "Wait in the Car" version, the mildest discovered. Next is the "I'll Just Be a Minute" version where the sick soul thinks that inconveniencing a disabled person briefly is acceptable. This is most common in delivery people.

There's also the far more serious "Park and Leave" version in which the ill individual has no regard for anybody but themselves. The side effects are utter laziness, a complete lack of empathy, and acute anal resemblance.

The final and most frightening version is the "Curb Cut Blocker." This person not only parks illegally in a handicap spot, but also parks their vehicle in such a way that wheelchair users cannot get onto or off of a sidewalk. Jeffrey Dahmer was allegedly a "Curb Cut Blocker" and so is Mel Gibson.

There are no known treatments to those who suffer from the disorder. Scientists have tried instilling the affected with doses of compassion and empathy, but that hasn't seemed to work. Researchers are now experimenting with providing sufferers with a daily pill called AyKlew.  If all else fails, another proposed alternative is prolonged electrocution to the genitals until the mentally ill person parks literally ten feet away in a legal space.

Thursday, February 19, 2015

Top 5 QBs, RBs, WRs Now

This list takes more into account than one pass, one game, or even one season. But it's not a list one the best who happen to be active. It also isn't a prediction of what will happen either. Injuries are not ignored. The previous list was posted on February 26, 2014.

RankDavid's(PR)Mike's(Previous Rank)
1Peyton Manning(1)Aaron Rodgers(2)
2Tom Brady(2)Tom Brady(3)
3Aaron Rodgers(4)Peyton Manning(1)
4Drew Brees(3)Drew Brees(4)
5Andrew Luck(NR)Andrew Luck(NR)

Running Backs
RankDavid's(PR)Mike's(Previous Rank)
1DeMarco Murray(NR)Marshawn Lynch(4)
2Le'Veon Bell(NR)Jamaal Charles(2)
3Marshawn Lynch(4)DeMarco Murray(NR)
4Arian Foster(NR)Le'Veon Bell(NR)
5LeSean McCoy(2)Arian Foster(NR)

Wide Receivers
RankDavid's(PR)Mike's(Previous Rank)
1Calvin Johnson(1)Calvin Johnson(1)
2Antonio Brown(5)Antonio Brown(NR)
3Julio Jones(NR)Dez Bryant(NR)
4Demaryius Thomas(NR)Julio Jones(NR)
5Dez Bryant(NR)Demaryius Thomas(2)

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Scottie Dockens, Another Victory

I'm Scottie Dockens, UBF champion. In the last month, I've knocked out an Armenian, a Yazidi, and a m,ember of ISIS to improve my record to 16-0 with 16 KOs. I want to face Charlie Zelenoff, the so-called champion. He's fraud and I'll beat him up easily. My only fear is that I might kill him.