Friday, June 30, 2006

Two Truths And A Lie

I've wiped my ass with Chinese money.
I've wiped my ass with the American flag.
I've taken a shit in public about 10 feet from a sleeping homeless person.

Now accepting guesses, just post a comment.
Check back in a week to see the answer in the comments of this post.

Thursday, June 29, 2006

Recap of the 2006 NBA Draft

The Knicks
The only hope I had was the NBA Draft. After all, the Knicks and Isiah Thomas had a very good draft last year. Then it happened. "With the 20th pick, the New York Knicks select Renaldo Balkman...." were the words that spewed from that Yid-sellout Commissioner David Stern.


My brother tried to jog my memory as who exactly this guy was. "He's the crappy guy on South Carolina. Don't you remember, the shitty guy with the hair? I can't believe he was picked." I still didn't remember. I kinda do now, but I wish I didn't.

I can come up with 3 positives for the Knicks out of this draft. At least Balkman (maybe Isiah Thomas thought he was Ronaldo Blackmon, honest mistake) plays hard. The Knicks second 1st round pick was Mardy Collins from Temple, all accounts say he's a solid player. And this draft brings Isiah Thomas that much closer to getting fired. As for being an NBA executive, Thomas was a great player.

The Rest of the Draft
Portland made 6 trades on draft day. It seemed like teams picked players and traded them for no reason except that maybe they were lonely, so they kept calling other general managers. For the most part, I have no idea what most teams were trying to accomplish. Numerous teams had the strategy of acquiring 8 of the same type of player. It didn't make any sense.

The 1st pick Andrea Bargnani from Italy will be better than Darko, but never close to the Dirk comparisons he's been getting. Adam Morrison went to Charlotte at #3, he'll be an ok pro. He was able to force his way to the basket against WCC competition, but that won't happen in the NBA. He's being over-hyped.

Tyrus Thomas could be the next Amare Stoudemire or more like Stromile Swift or Chris Wilcox. Why on earth did Atlanta pick Sheldon Williams? He won't anchor their defense at all. Marcus Fizer anyone? No no, he'll be better, not much though.

Randy Foye is the best player in the draft. Going to the T-Wolves will help him tremendously and his new club. I like Brandon Roy too, but how good will he be in Portland? Rudy Gay will be good too, but will he be great? It's up to him.

Overall, far too many underclassmen left early yet again and they will pay the price with their shitty lives. And yet again, players that stayed in college for 4 years fell in the draft, but there will be a few that will have great careers and there might even be a star.

George Mason
I was hoping that Lamar Butler, Tony Skinn, or Jai Lewis would've been drafted. Oh well, not every dream comes true (especially when you're a Jew [like me, not them]). But GMU still had a great day. Five UCONN players were drafted, 4 in the 1st round. We beat them in the Elite 8. Michigan State had 3 players drafted, we beat them in the 1st round. UNC will have more players drafted in the next couple of years, but even they had one. We beat them too. Our legend is secure.

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Gas Station Surprises

I just got back from filling up my car at a gas station in Rockville at 2 am, my usual time. An immigrant taxi driver was also filling up his car at the same moment.

Not only did he not steal my job (which is teaching English to immigrants), but he was very nice. He approached me and told me in a heavily accented English that a dam had overflowed in Rockville and there was flooding near the river. (It's been raining like crazy here, Jesus must be pissed at the US soccer team). I thanked him for the news, although it didn't impact me.

It was actually a very American thing to do on his part (our ideal anyway). Can you believe that, from an immigrant, a Muslim no-less? Could America's demonization of Muslims and immigrants have been misguided? Has Bill O'Reilly and Sean Hannity mislead me for the purpose of furthering their own political agenda? My world has turned upside down. I'm gonna go sit in the corner, naked, in a cold sweat, crying, with my finger in my penis hole.

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Jews vs Christians

The Christians I'm referring to are white American Christians. Yes, I'm lumping all of you together, admittedly inaccurately, but purposefully.

On their cars:
Christians- Bumper stickers claiming I love Jesus. Jesus fish. Other crazy Jesus messages.
Jews- The occasional ironic Gefilte fish.

Christians- Say things like, "I'm the king of sarcasm" when defending their extreme nationalism.
Jews- Didn't America fight a war to get rid of the whole king thing, or is that just me?

Reaction to Homosexuality:
Christians- Homosexuality is wrong. It leads to animal fucking and pedophilia.
Jews- Hey, it's ok. (Alright alright, there are plenty of heterosexist Jews too).

Christians- That's where Jesus was born. If the Jews and Muslims keep fighting (thanks to our aiding the perpetuation of the conflict) Jesus will come back there. Then we will all be in Heaven, YAY!
Jews- Contain numerous different viewpoints on the issue.

While eating at a restaurant:
Christians- Silence.
Jews- This hamburger is cold, this restaurant is drafty, this seat is uncomfortable, and this joke is unbelievably cliché.

During Holidays:
Christians- Get presents and eat candy.
Jews- Sit there while adults read out loud in some weird ass language, trying to balance that funny hat on your head because you're tired of having to kiss it every time it falls to the ground. Oh, and anxiety waiting for when you have to read the strange language aloud and praying that you get to eat food that you don't even like, just because you're so hungry. In a word, fun.

On Christmas specifically:
Christians- Open presents and eat ham.
Jews- Yes, we actually do eat Chinese food and catch a movie. I also like watching sports on tv.

Christians- The world.
Jews- The Moyle industry.

Invoke G-d:
Christians- Jesus Christ, all the fucking time.
Jews- When their kid is dating a gentile.

When they're upset:
Christians- Passive aggressive city.
Jews- You'll know it.

Family discussion:
Christians- They don't.
Jews- Wish they lived with a Christian family.

Monday, June 26, 2006

Perspective of Death

These numbers of human deaths can be interpreted numerous ways. I see it to say that our gravest threats are AIDS, our inability to respond to extreme weather, and war. I could say much more about these deaths and how they relate, but I will let these figures speak for me for now. I'm hoping to incite debate; if not here, at least somewhere.

25,000,000 - people who have died of AIDS since 1981.
6,000,000* - Jews who died because of the Nazi regime.
618,000 - deaths caused by the American Civil War.
290,000 - deaths caused by the tsunami December, 2004.
50,000 - Iraqi deaths caused by America's war since 2003.
1,836** - deaths due to Hurricane Katrina.
2,752 - deaths caused by the attacks on September 11, 2001.
2,522 - deaths of US Soldiers in the Iraq War.

* - Many millions more people died during World War II.
** - There is an estimate of 1,800 people still deemed missing.

Sunday, June 25, 2006

I Should Be Karl Rove

Karl Rove is supposed to be the so-called mastermind behind the Republicans' successes. However, most of his reasons, justifications, and opinions regarding political issues are only intelligent if you take them at face value and engage in absolutely no critical thinking.

For example, Rove said that if the Democrats had their way, Zarqawi would still be alive. He's probably right, but it's really a short-sighted argument. Sure, Zarqawi might be alive, but he wouldn't have been leading the insurgents, because there wouldn't be any insurgents; there'd be no need for them. Zarqawi might be a real estate agent or something.

I have much better justifications for the Bush administration's policies. They should hire me to take on Karl Rove's job.

The Iraq war looks bad, I know. All of the administration's reasons for war have either been proven false or are insignificant. Here's what they should be arguing: "Our enemies are mysterious and faceless. They are spread around the world making our mission to eradicate terrorism a very difficult one. This is why we are fighting in Iraq, in order to bring all of the terrorists to one place, so we can more easily fight them. Pretty genius, I know... Why didn't we have enough troops from the beginning, you ask? Umm, youthful indiscretions?"

Many conservatives are upset at the Bush administration because they are not adhering to the traditionally conservative ideology of small government. The Bush administration isn't liberal either. I think the phrase is neo-con, or insanely idiotic, I forget. Anyway, let me explain my dear conservatives: "Through our policies, we are shifting this nation to the right politically. Even so-called liberals are fighting for small government. They want the federal government out of their phone conversations, out of their gay marriages, and out of women's bodies. Trust us. "

Hopefully that helps Mr. Bush. I'll start working on justifying the lack of response to the victims of Hurricane Katrina, cutting taxes of only the very rich (no, it didn't help you, you don't have that much money), basing teachers' salaries on one single test that their students take, allowing genocide in Darfur, and flying that plane in Chinese airspace back in 2001 (anyone remember that?). I've got quite a lot of work ahead of me.

Saturday, June 24, 2006


The captain of Argentina's soccer team, which has reached the quarterfinals of the World Cup, is Juan Pablo Sorin (left). He is a Jew. His team's head coach, Jose Pekerman (right and below), is also Jewish. As a Jew, I take pride when my people are successful in an positive manner. I'm proud of others too, but it's always a little extra special when its one of your own. Mazel tov amigos.

Ghana's John Pantsil (left and below) pulled an Israeli flag out of his sock after his team's win over Czech Republic. Pantsil plays for an Israeli club team and waved the flag to say thank you to the Israeli fans that had traveled to Germany (of all places) to cheer for him and his country. The act was not political, but it was perceived to be. Pantsil's act was heart-warming and an act of mutual gratuity, nothing more, nothing less. But when blacks and Jews show warm feelings for one another, I should've expected there to be an uproar.

A very different story is the one of the Dutch club team Ajax. I'll mention it again. Their fans identify themselves as Jews, but in reality very few are. I find this disturbing. Some Jews believe that the fans' identification promotes Jewish culture, others say it promotes anti-Semitism from the fans of other teams. The fans simply wave Jewish symbols and revel in their status as 'others'. Regardless of what the fans are actually promoting, I don't want my identity used as some extended fad or mocked. If Jewish culture is respected, that's one thing: all are welcomed. But that's not what this is. Basically, leave us alone.

When I say "leave us alone," I don't mean to suggest that I don't want cultural exchange, intercultural interactions, and dialogue. I love those.

I don't want others to put Jews in the limelight. I don't want others to use us for their own gain. I don't want my culture or the culture of my ancestors exploited. Leave us alone.

Friday, June 23, 2006

Hitler's Humor

Adolph Hitler always kept the personality of a failed artist with him throughout his life. During the era of Germany's great depression, Hitler used to wear a self-made T-shirt that said:

“Mustache rides, 33 billion reichmarks”

He adjusted for hyperinflation.

Thursday, June 22, 2006

Recap of the 2006 NBA Finals and Season

2006 NBA Finals
MVP - Mia Dwyane Wade
Unsung Hero Award - Mia James Posey
Gutcheck Award - Mia Udonis Haslem

The two teams in this year's NBA Finals once again deserved to be there, surviving years of devastating playoff defeats. Young stars continue to flow into the league. Lebron, Carmelo, and Wade will carry the NBA into the next generation. There is still a clear cultural divide between league management and its players, but that hasn't hurt the quality of play out on the floor. The playoffs, as exciting as this year's were, still need to be shortened.

The All NBA H-duk Team is comprised of the 5 best players from the previous season according to my calculations. Some players can be out of position, but it must be reasonable. All of the playoffs are included. I also choose an MVP on my own (the Finals MVP is based on the actual selection). This year's MVP is Steve Nash for the second straight season. I will insert the number of times each player has been selected to the team next to their team. The team has existed since 1999-2000. This is its 7th year.

2005-2006 All NBA H-duk Team
C Dirk Nowitzki Dal (2nd)
F Elton Brand LAC (1st)
F Lebron James Cle (1st)
G Dwyane Wade Mia (1st)
G Steve Nash (2nd)

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Game 6 - The Champs

Dallas started the game scorching. At one point they grabbed a 14 point lead. Miami came back twice. They took a 1-point lead at the half. They hadn't lost a game with a halftime lead. Miami kept the lead for much of the 2nd half. Wade scored 36, had 10 rebounds, and 5 assists. Yet again, Miami contentiously had many more free throw attempts than did Dallas, exemplified by Wade's 16-21 effort. Wade was the beneficiary of some questionable calls.

Dallas tried to comeback, but their stars wilted. Dirk had 29 points and 15 rebounds, but his numbers were greater than his impact. Howard dropped his shorts and 14 points with 12 rebounds. Daniels added 12 points.

Haslem had a huge game with 17 points and 10 big boards. Shaq and Walker also added double-digit rebounds. Starting point guard Jason Williams dished out 7 assists. Game 3's 4th quarter comeback changed this series and Wade was the catalyst. Miami won 95-92.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Clinton Bones Bush

I still can't believe that Bill Clinton has received no flack for his infidelity and his lies about something so dangerous. Bill Clinton got his knob cleaned by a woman who was not his wife and that is clearly a threat to national security.

Meanwhile, George Bush has been on the wrong side of a ton of criticism for no reason. We don't even know if Bush lied about the reasons to go to war. All we know is that the reasons he gave turned out to be wrong and that it is documented that his administration wanted to go to war against Iraq regardless of facts. We know that Bill Clinton did lie. Listen, I've lied about both and lying about the blowjob got me in way more trouble with my lady friend than did lying about justifications for war. But maybe that's just me.

The Bush-led government records our communications with one another. So did the fat woman that Monica Lewinsky told about licking Clinton's banana. And it's illegal to record a phone conversation in Maryland without telling the other person. The fat woman lived in Maryland. I live in Maryland. Bill Clinton was fat when he first came into office. That's strike two Clinton.

Bush was the leader of the government when it failed on September 11, 2001 and during the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina. But Clinton was involved in an "explosion" on a dress and Ms. Lewinsky, a Jew, was drowned in Clinton's ....................... (gross). So Clinton is at least as equally responsible for this nation's tragedies.

Bush may have cut taxes only for the wealthiest Americans, but Clinton got rid of welfare, equally as damaging to poor people trying to turn their lives around. Wait a minute, scratch that last part. I meant to say, Clinton got his wood peckered and lied about it: disgusting, disrespectful, and distasteful.

Sure Bill Clinton was impeached, but so was Andrew Johnson; there’s precedent so it's not a big deal. George Bush has had his face caricatured on protestors' posters with words "No blood for oil," underneath. I know, I couldn't believe it either when I saw it. George Bush has feelings too you know.

Plus, Clinton and Bush both bombed Iraq and Afghanistan. And I think we can all agree that killing people is wrong, thus the Republicans were right: Clinton was a horrible person.

Monday, June 19, 2006

Game 5 - Wade In The Water

After a hard foul against Shaq in Game 4, Stackhouse was suspended for this game. Avery Johnson tried everything. In addition to Diop and Dampier, Keith van Horn and DJ Mbenga, fresh off of a 6-game suspension, guarded Shaq. Dallas' Marquis Daniels, who played well during the regular season, had a rare sighting on the court in the playoffs.

Miami got out to another quick start. Dallas ended the 1st half strong again. Dallas kept roughly an 8-point lead during the 3rd.Terry and Howard carried their team. Terry ended with 35 points. Howard added 25 points and 10 boards. Dirk struggled, but he dueled with Wade in the 4th. Wade didn't shoot well from the field until crunch time. He ended with 43 points on an amazing 21-25 from the line.

Late in the 4th, Dirk was doubled and dished to Dampier for a dunk and a Dallas lead. Wade came back to tie the game. Wade continued his great play in overtime. Payton threw the ball high off the glass, late in overtime. Dirk then hit a tough fadeaway. Wade got a foul call in his favor and knocked down the 2 free shots for a 101-100 lead.

Howard called the Mavs' last timeout before the 2nd free throw, forcing Dallas' last effort to be a half court heave. Miami win, taking a 3-2 lead heading back to Dallas.

Sunday, June 18, 2006

World Cup Ignorance

ESPN did a report right before the beginning of the World Cup on neo-nazism and very explicit racism among European fans. But ESPN's World Cup announcers have continuously made ignorant remarks throughout their coverage.

Julie Foudy decided that Costa Rica was "not a real team." She quickly attempted to correct herself, stumbling over her words. Paulo Wanchope looked like a "real" person to me. I saw him on tv!

After Ecuador's Ivan Kaviedes scored a goal, he pulled a mask from his shorts and put it on in celebration. Eric Wynalda called this celebration "ridiculous." Reece Davis then eloquently explained that Kaviedes was honoring his former teammate who had died in a car accident. You're a fucker Eric Wynalda.

American Eddie Johnson was describing the team's visit to an American military base in Germany at a press conference. He said that soldiers and soccer players have a similar responsibility when representing their country abroad. Eric Wynalda first said that anyone who would be upset by that must have misunderstood Eddie Johnson. Later Eric Wynalda said that Eddie Johnson shouldn't have said that, but he was just a young kid who got excited.

This doesn't seem like a racist remark on the surface (Johnson is black, Wynalda is white), until you realize that Wynalda made virtually the same analogy earlier. An audio tape of USA coach Bruce Arena's phone conversation with George W. Bush was played on air. Afterwards, Wynalda said that there' s no better man than Bush to lead you into battle (Wynalda must be watching a lot of Fox News lately). That's a clear war analogy from Wynalda (and it's inaccurate, there are plenty of people that I'd rather have: eg. Gandhi). But Wynalda still had the gall to dismiss Johnson's comment as coming from an ignorant kid. Eric Wynalda, you’re a hypocritical racist.

This is my weakest example. Rob Stone said that Angola's Loco had the tournament's worst hairstyle (Zindane anyone?). He described Loco's haircut as a front mullet. I wondered if the hairstyle has any cultural significance, a la Kaviedes and his masked celebration. I don't know, just wondering.

Anyone know if there are any Jewish players on a World Cup roster this time around?

Saturday, June 17, 2006

World Cup Good, Soccer Fans Bad

The World Cup has been going on for over a wekk now and I must say the World Cup has been fun. I'm admittedly not a soccer expert at all, but I (try to) wake up every morning and watch the games. Ecuador has surprised some by advancing to the 2nd round. Trinidad and Tobago and Angola have pulled off surprising ties, Ghana grabbed an upset win, and the US got screwed in the Italy game. I like how there aren't any commercial breaks during the game, a welcomed change from American sports.

But some things bother me. I hate when the soccer player fake an injury. Sometimes they aren't faking, but you still scratch your head and wonder how the guy got injured on the play. Compared to baseball, basketball, and especially football players, there's no comparison, soccer players are wimps. Basketball players certainly flop in order to try and draw a foul, but they don't roll around on the ground crying afterward.

My biggest problem is with the soccer fans. No, not the neo-Nazi hooligans. Ok, I do have a problem with them, but I'm talking about the soccer geeks right now. Yes, ESPN announcer Dave O'Brien is terrible, but I've read some really stupid reasons why people feel the same way.

O'Brien emphasizes totally irrelevant facts and then repeats them like he's beating that already dead Columbian player who had an own goal in the 1994 World Cup. He obviously doesn't know too much about soccer, that's why he's the play-by-play guy and not the analyst. These are legitimate reasons not to like him.

Someone wrote that he makes too many references to other sports. Thus, he does, but there isn't anything wrong with that. It's the fact that he makes bad references that is annoying.

Another criticism is that he loved Peter Crouch's dance too much. He liked it, so what? Someone said that he sucks because he assumed that the audience wasn't filled with soccer experts. Obviously, you idiot! I'm a big basketball fan. During the Finals they explain simple things (there's 24 seconds to shoot the basketball and hit the rim) to attract more fans. It makes sense, the casual fan watches championships, quit whining.

Someone was upset that O'Brien called David Beckham's cross a "rocket" when it was just a "mild cross." What the fuck, who cares? It looked pretty good to me, but I digress, I don't know much about soccer. However, if someone said something similar in a basketball game, I would think, "No it wasn't," and move on with my life. And clearly these soccer fans have never heard of Bill Walton: "Good defensive players don't take charges." Now, he's an idiot.

Another soccer fan said that Dave O'Brien has a boring stlye more suitable for baseball. They claim his voice doesn't change when the ball is moving around like a pinball. It's soccer, the ball never moves around like a pinball! Baseball is a game of anticipation. Once the ball is hit, that anticipation ends and there are spasms of action. Soccer is a lot like masturbation. The tension keeps building until either the actions slows (like thinking about Barbara Bush) or a goal is scored and the tension is relieved (uh... you know). His style is fine.

That was cathartic. I won't let American soccer geeks bother me anymore. Those European neo-Nazi soccer fans however....

Friday, June 16, 2006

Game 4 - Take That

With the Heat fans dressed in their familiar white, Miami secured their home court for the 2nd straight game. This one was easier.

Dallas hung in through the 1st quarter. Terry led the Mavs with another fierce dunk. He ended with 17. But Dirk, Howard, and Stackhouse all struggled, shooting a combined 9-40 from the field. Veteran guard Darrell Armstrong saw some time on the court, but was a liability. Adrian griffin and Harris showed heart, but without Dirk playing well, Dallas has no chance.

Wade led Miami again. He exploded in the 1st. The Heat bench finally played well when Wade, who finished with 36, sat down. Posey was big with 15 points, 10 rebounds, and great defense on Dirk. Shaq had 17 points and 13 rebounds. Shandon Anderson got some rare playing time and defended well, though offensively he struggled. But that is the story of Miami's bench. They need to hustle for Miami to be successful. They won 98-74, holding the Mavs to 7 4th quarter points, as ABC went off the air.

Thursday, June 15, 2006

World Cup Update

Angola lost to Portugal.
Poland lost to Germany.
All I have left is Trinidad and Tobago hopefully beating England and Togo hopefully defeating France.

My family came from Poland. Poland got their brains beat out. I live in America. America lost even worse. My family also came from Ukraine. They took the worst beating in the Cup thus far!

Players that I like:
Paulo Wanchope (Costa Rica)
Jervis Drummond (Costa Rica)
Jorge Guagua (Ecuador)
Luis Valencia (Ecuador)
Shaka Hislop (Trinidad & Tobago)
Zinha (Mexico)
Bosko Balaban (Croatia)
Razak Pimpong (Ghana)
Joao Ricardo (Angola)

Players that I don't like:
Kaka (Brazil)
Bobby Convey (USA)
Frank Ribery (France) The Bobby Convey of France
Portugal's team

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Game 3 - Escaping With A Win

Miami had another good first quarter. Shaq looked determined, even picking Jason Terry and starting a fast break. Miami led at the half, but Dallas was hanging in the game.

The Mavs went wild in the 3rd again. Dirk ended with 30 points. Howard finally scored effectively with 21 points, but he didn't have the overall game that he's accustomed to. Terry added 16 and Dampier is having the series of his life. He scored 14 and pulled down 9 missed shots.

Halfway through the 4th, it appeared that Dallas would take a 3-0 lead, up 13. Then Wade put the Heat on his shoulders. Despite a banged up knee, Wade had 42 points and 13 rebounds. The guard only had 1 turnover, a vast improvement from the first 2 games.

After a Miami miss during their run, Shaq pushed Dampier, grabbed the ball, and went up strong, drawing a foul. Shaq scored his 15th and 16th points at the line. He added 11 boards.

The key to Miami's success is how players 3 through 8 compliment Shaq and Wade. Walker added 12 points and 7 rebounds. Haslem had 8 points, 11 rebounds, and 3 steals. But former star, Gary Payton, was the hero. The Mavs' Harris drove to the basket and tied the game. With 9 seconds left, Payton took his only shot and made it. Nowitzki was then fouled. He only made 1 free throw. Wade made 1 of 2 on the other end. With 1 second left, Dirk threw Howard a lob, but Wade knocked it away to secure a 98-96 win, cutting the series to 2-1.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Funny and Upsetting Searches

Here are some real search phrases that have led people to my blog. Some phrases are amusing, but keep in mind there are a few that are disturbing.

was harry letterman circumcised - Who is Harry Letterman, and why does someone care if he's circumcised?

kim mulkey-robertson divorce - Not sure why this brought someone to my site. Who the fuck is that?

how tall is millard tydings bridge - If you ask a question, Google will not give you an answer, it will just give you sites with those words, idiot.

magic johnson and isaiah thomas kissing - I wrote about this heart-warming 1980s event. I'm surprised someone else was thinking the same thing.

pittsnoggle singing - West Virginia's former basketball star is apparently an accomplished singer.

What kind of languages does Madagascar speak? - Again, you won't get an answer from a Google search dumbass. If you read my post, the answer better be English! ;)

bruce pearl parsley - I'm glad someone agrees that Bruce Pearl and Crazy Pastor Rod Parsley look alike.

holifield daffy - Evander Holifield and Daffy Duck?

what irritates hemorrhoids - This blog!

"his crotch " - Who's?

chinese shithole - Sherkhan, was this you?

Is dwyane Wade sexually gay - This is one of my favorites for a number of reasons. Again, Google doesn't provide specific answers. Also, why do you care? What other kind of gay is he going to be? Did someone actually think, "I don't care if Dwyane Wade is happy, all I want to know his sexual orientation. Better add 'sexually' then." What conversation brought this search on? Why is Wade capitalized, but dwyane isn't? Even with all of this stupidity, it's amazing that this person spelled Dwyane Wade's name correctly.

The rest are disturbing. Please let me reiterate that I did not make these up. I know I can be sarcastic, but I am not here...

I've had a few I hate immigrants Of course, I wrote a post with that title, but I was being satirical.

"Pain fuck" - This one could be funny, but it might also be cause for concern.

"guys grabbed my ass" - This sounds serious and very sad. I apologize that your search brought you here. I also have no idea where I wrote those words that brought you here.

how to kill a kike - This doesn't surprise me, but it doesn't make it less frightening. One extreme side of me thinks (hopes) it's a joke. The other extreme is that someone is kidnapped and... G-d, please say it's a joke.

fucking woman with hejab - Hijab is spelled wrong, (and if I wrote hijab somewhere I did not spell it like that), but much more disturbing is its meaning.

Monday, June 12, 2006

Game 2 - Dominance Causes Anguish

At halftime, Avery Johnson said his team had not played well for the 1st quarter and half. He was right. But the Mavs ended the 1st half with a double-digit run for the 2nd straight game. By the 3rd, the Mavs had already solved their early turnover troubles.

Dallas' 3rd quarter put the game out of reach. Dirk had 26 points, 16 rebounds, and 4 assists, showing again why he is great. Howard added 15, Terry 16 points and 9 helpers, Stackhouse scored 19, and young Devin Harris tallied 11 points and defended Wade well.

Besides a brief stretch straddling the 1st and 2nd quarters and a nice run in the 4th, Miami played terrible. Wade shot 6-19 with 23 points and 8 boards, but his numbers were padded in the 4th.

The story of Game 2 was Shaq. Dallas doubled him. Diop and Dampier corralled the big fellow until help came. Shaq had 5 points, shooting 1-7 from the line. This was his worst Finals game, pushing Game 1 to his 3rd worst. Haslem played well again, but bowed out before the half due to injury. James Posey took 4 charges and also played well. But there wasn't much sunshine for the Heat.

The Mavs even added 2 4-point plays. Dallas took their 2nd Finals home game, winning 99-85.

Sunday, June 11, 2006

The Iranian and Mexican Threat

ESPN Announcer Dave O'Brien drew the picture. Yes, this was a soccer game, but it was more. In the following 90 minutes, O'Brien claimed, all of the politics, all of the history, and all of the tension would be played out on the soccer field...

I am a history student. Someday I'll have enough self-confidence to call myself a historian. Regardless of my sense of self, I was pretty sure Mexico and Iran, the two teams playing "in the following 90 minutes" didn't have much to do with each other, historically or presently.

Of course, the dispute with Iran's proposed nuclear desires has been a point of contention with the US. Likewise, immigration from Mexico has been a hot political issue here in America. But America wasn't playing Iran or Mexico. They were playing each other! So shut the fuck up Dave O'Brien! Learn how to say Iran properly and enough with the shadows. Shadows impact soccer matches, shadows impact baseball games, shadows impact your sexual prowess... just shut up with the shadows asshole.

I perceived the German fans' booing of the Iranian team was because of the Iranian president's denial of the Holocaust (kind of a touchy subject in Germany). I must admit that made me uncomfortable. I can't really explain it.

As far as Holocaust denial, Ahmadnejad doesn't bother me. To put it bluntly, he is the president of a country that I'm not afraid of. His Holocaust denial doesn't pose much of a threat. Now, if Bush denied the Holocaust, I'd be worried. But I'm already worried because he's such a Jesus freak, yet "loves" Jews. Basically, just leave us alone.

Let's go ANGOLA!!!

Saturday, June 10, 2006

I Sold Out

As you can see above. I'm not allowed to ask you to click the ad, but gas prices are high. Let's continue selling out with celebrity gossip*.

As it turns out, Angelina Jolie was not the mother of Brad Pitt's baby. Turns out it was his ex, Jennifer Aniston!

In World Cup news, David Beckham and Ronaldinho got into a shouting match when Beckham called his adversary a "Ronaldin-ho." Fiesty.

George Bush got his nails done yesterday with Jessica Alba. (Jennifer or Jessica?) Looks like Jennifer (Jessica?) Alba can't keep her nails in good shape!

Yao Ming of the Houston Rockets is tall.

50 Cent was seen rubbing elbows with Zarqawi at a hot Iraqi nightspot before Zarqawi was killed.

Lost cheated on Grey's Anatomy with American Idol.

Let me finish this little piece of horseshit by saying: PAULO WANCHOPE!!!!!

In a future post I'll have a list of some of the weird, frightening, funny searches that came to my sight. Let me leave you with this one that may or may not have occured:
"please click the link at the top thanks"

What a crazy, yet timely, search, don't you think?

* Yeah, this shit isn't real. And if you came here seeking out this shit you should be ashamed! Go read a book.

Friday, June 09, 2006

Game 1 - Dallas Flying High

The Jet, Jason Terry, didn't shoot the ball in the 3rd quarter, yet he led the Mavs in scoring with 32. He shot 13-18 from the field.

Miami shot 70% in the 1st. Miami rose and fell with Dwyane Wade. Wade scored 13 in the 1st and ended with 28, 6 rebounds, and 6 assists, but he struggled during the middle of the game. Wade was also only 6-10 from the line. Shaq was just 1-9 with 17 points in his 6th Finals Game 1. Dallas came back from down 11 in the 2nd to take the lead by the half.

Miami hung tough until the end. Udonis Haslem's hustle and defense on Nowitzki was important. Antoine Walker added 17 points for the Heat, but he and Wade had 11 turnovers. Nowitzki showed why he's great, helping his team in many ways. Dirk had 16 points, 10 rebounds, 4 assists, and 3 steals. Josh Howard was equally as helpful to Dallas' cause with 10 points, 12 rebounds, and 4 rebounds. Former scoring star Jerry Stackhouse had 13 points for the Mavs. DeSagana Diop and Erik Dampier played good D on Shaq after the 1st, which mirrored Dallas' defense as a whole. Dallas won 90-80 after giving up 31 in the 1st.

Thursday, June 08, 2006

2006 NBA Finals: How They Got Here

Miami Heat vs Dallas Mavericks

Regular Season-
Miami started the season with many new players, but the same coach, Stan Van Gundy. Van Gundy resigned early in the season and pat Riley took over. Miami coasted to a #2 seed without much effort.

Dallas battled with San Antonio for the top seed in the West all season. Because of the bizarre seeding system, Dallas finished with the West's 2nd best record, but the #4 seed. Avery John won Coach of the Year in his first full season at the helm.

1st round- The Heat beat the Chicago Bulls 4-2. At first, Chicago was too quick, but the Heat's experience and talent won them the series.

Conference Semis- The Heat beat the New Jersey Nets 4-1. After Game 1, the Nets never had a chance.

Conference Finals- Miami made up for last year's loss to the Detroit Pistons in the East Final, winning 4-2. Detroit's reign atop the East ended.

1st round- Dallas swept the Memphis Grizzlies.

Conference Semis- In a great series between the West's 2 best teams, Dallas beat the Spurs in San Antonio in Game 7.

Conference Finals- Tim Thomas of the Phoenix Suns blew Dirk Nowitzki a kiss in Game 5. Nowitszki answered with 50 points. The Mavs made up an 18 point deficit on the road in Game 6 to win their first conference championship and oust former Mav, MVP Steve Nash.

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

NBA Reactions 2001-2005

Here are my reactions following the NBA Finals from 2001-2005.

The league has some fantastic new stars Iverson, Shaq, Kobe, Tor Vince Carter, Mil Ray Allen, Orl Tracy McGrady, among many others, that will help the popularity on the NBA grow. Unfortunately players are entering the Draft before they are ready, which diminished talent. The big thing this offseason is the possible return of Michael Jordan. With that, and everything else, we'll see!

This was an upside-down season for the NBA. The key for the league is some continuity in the success of certain teams and stars who has break out years this year. The old guard seems to be ousted from NBA supremacy. Michael Jordan came back and failed to make the playoffs, though I was present for the ride. This year marks the end of an era, NBC lost the rights to broadcast NBA games.

With the Dream Team era almost over, the league will see new young stars next season including much-hyped Lebron James. These kids coming out of high school and into the NBA can learn a thing or two from a David Robinson about professionalism, charity, and winning basketball. Western Conference supremacy continues.

Lebron James and Carmelo Anthony brought a new excitement to the NBA. With more high schoolers and the expansion Charlotte Bobcats entering next year, the talent in the league might be thinned. But the NBA is the only league with consistently good teams year in and year out and now the East has proven the NBA will be fun to follow next year.

With all of the young players in the NBA, it is fitting that these two teams tussled for the title. They represent what is good about the sport. Sure, basketball can be a game of stars and their flashy moves, but teamwork, toughness, sacrifice, and defense will get you to the promised land. If teams follow this mold, the NBA will be in good shape.

Outside the Box

Ironically, I couldn't think of any creative way to say this. I've been disappointed at intellectuals that cannot see outside the box. Everything is literal to them. Either you make a reasoned argument or follow a specific premise or you're wrong and you're either an "-ist" or a Commie French lover.

My issue with intelligent liberals is different from my problem with intelligent conservatives. I'll address liberals first because I'd like to see them progress more. I've been thinking about the role of Hip Hop (specifically, but this applies to a lot more) in today's culture. I believe that it has been overwhelmingly positive. Liberals do not give most emcees nearly enough credit for their intelligence. They've brought issues into the nation's dialogue that would not otherwise be there. Sometimes they've done this in a liberal-friendly way. Other times they've done this in an offensive way. The important part is that there is dialogue and avenues towards solving local, national, and global problems.

A really big problem I have with liberals is their defensiveness. If someone says something offensive it must be harmful. As I said above, everything is taken literally. If an otherwise intelligent person makes a ridiculous argument, perhaps it is intentional. Maybe you just didn't get it. An important part in being smart is the ability to be humble. Try to rise that person’s level instead of just criticizing them without thinking.

I guess conservative intellectuals see causation where it doesn't exist. If you disagree with gay people marrying because it's part of your religion that's fine (as long as you're consistent and follow everything else your religion preaches). Those are your personal beliefs, keep them to yourself, great, fine, good. However, gay marriage is not the death of heterosexual marriage. That just doesn't make any fucking sense. Straight people won't have to marry gay (unless I missed part of the debate), so you’ll be fine. Anyway, I don't care enough about conservatives to go on. I hope I've offended somebody (finally).

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

More From the World Cup

I hope Poland beats Germany. That would make up for the Holocaust.

I really want Angola to beat Portugal- their former imperialists. I remember when Senegal beat France in the 2002 World Cup. Even for a not-very-knowledgeable soccer fan, it was hard to miss the emotion surrounding that match. That was really just great, that's the only way to describe that moment: great.

7 of the 23 Ukrainian players are named Andriy.

7 of the 23 Saudi players are named Muhammad.

My All Names team:
Razak Pimpong (Ghana) - His theme song should be KRS-One's new song "Bling Blong."
Jan Vennegoor of Hesselink (Netherlands) - "of Hesselink?" It's not the 15th century anymore.
Ludovic Assemoassa (Togo) - read "ass-e-mo-ass-a." Awesome. Plus... Ludovic?
Iniesta (Spain) - The whole one name thing seems to be an Iberian/ former Iberian colonies fad. Iniesta represents the ridiculousness of it. Especially since "Iniesta" means "huge penis" in Spanish. Maybe... I don't really speak Spanish.
Bosko Balaban (Croatia) - My favorite. BOSKO BAL-A-BAN!!!!!

Monday, June 05, 2006

My Official World Cup Predictions

The teams that will advance past the group stage:
Group A: Germany, Costa Rica; Group B: England, Paraguay; Group C: Argentina, Netherlands; Group D: Mexico, Angola; Group E: USA, Italy; Group F: Brazil, Japan; Group G: France, Korea; Group H: Spain, Ukraine.

Quarterfinals (team beaten in round of 16):
Germany (Par) over Argentina (Ang)
USA (Jpn) over France (Ukr)
England (CR) over Mexico (Net)
Brazil (Ita) over Spain (Kor)

Semis- USA over Germany; Brazil over England;

Final (3rd Place)
USA over Brazil (Germany over England)

Yeah, that's a homer pick. Please keep in mind that I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about.

Sunday, June 04, 2006

Kiss of Death

In Game 5, Tim Thomas of the Phoenix Suns blew Dallas Maverick Dirk Nowitzki a kiss. It wasn't to show his affection for Dirk, a la Magic Johnson\ Isiah Thomas. Instead, Tim Thomas tried to psych out Nowitzki. It didn't work.

Nowitzki dropped 50 points on the Suns, carrying his team to a 3-2 series lead.

Last night, Dallas came back from down 18 points in Phoenix to capture their first ever conference championship. The difference in Game 6 was simply the increase in the quality of the Mavs' play from the 1st half to the 2nd. Jason Terry played 3 minutes due to fouls in the 1st half, but along with Dirk, led Dallas all the way back in the 2nd. The game ended with Dallas comfortably ahead. Avery Johnson had another great coaching series. He now faces a tough challenge, an experienced cheat- Pat Riley- in the 2006 NBA Finals.

Saturday, June 03, 2006

Heat Rash

The Miami Heat have made the NBA Finals for the first time in history. Of course, it should be "have" and not "has" because in this case "Heat" is plural (a group of players), just like Knicks, Lakers, fish, and deer. So, no more: the Heat is a bunch of losers; it's the Heat are a bunch of losers.

I didn't have such a problem with the Heat when Shaq first arrived last season. I like Shaq and Wade, and they had a coach named Van Gundy. But they've since returned to their horrible roots. The man on the bench is that backstabbing cheat, Pat Riley. They also have re-employed the worst human being in the world, Alonzo Mourning. Mourning is despicable. He fights with opponents for no reason at all. He gives time and money to various charities, such as Baby-Eaters Anonymous and the I Hate Whatever Ethnic Group You Are Association. He also stole a kidney from a little boy, because Mourning had a bit of a kidney problem.

This didn't have much to do with basketball I'll admit, but I really hate Riley and Mourning. Not in just a sports sense, but as human beings.

note: this is not a hate post either.

Friday, June 02, 2006

Top 10 NBA Players

These are the Top 10 NBA players today according to my expert panel. This does not include a player's overall career. Injuries (unless career-hampering) were ignored.

Included next to the accumulated Top 10 list is the position that each person selected that player. A players highest and lowest selections were eliminated when calculating the average. NR- means that person did not rate the player in the Top 10. da- David, j- Jon, i- Ian, s- Sherkhan, m-Mike, de- Dewain.

Top 10
1) Kobe Bryant : da- 1; j- 1; i- 3; s- 2; m- 3; de- 1.
2) LeBron James : da- 3; j- 4; i- 2; s- 1; m- 1; de- 2.
3) Steve Nash : da- 4; j- 2; i- 1; s- 5; m- 4; de- 5.
4) Dirk Nowitzki : da- 5; j- NR; i- 4; s- 3; m- 2; de- 6.
5) Tim Duncan : da- 2; j- 9; i- 5; s- 4; m- 9; de- 4.
6) Dwyane Wade : da- 6; j- 5; i- 6; s- 9; m- 10; de- 7.
7) Kevin Garnett : da- NR; j- NR; i- 9; s- 7; m- 6; de- 3.
8) Elton Brand : da- 9; j- 6; i- 8; s- NR; m- 8; de- NR.
9) Allen Iverson : da- NR; j- 3; i- NR; s- 6; m- NR; de - 9.
10) Jason Kidd : da- 8; j- 10; i- 7; s- NR; m- NR; de- NR.

Honorable mentions in order: Shawn Marion, Shaquille O'Neal, Gilbert Arenas, Chauncey Billups, Andrei Kirilenko, Paul Pierce, Tony Parker, Dwight Howard.

I'm sure any of us would be willing to answer any critique of our lists.

Thursday, June 01, 2006

I Am Not Pro-Choice!

Dear Pro-Lifers,

We are not pro-choice; we are pro-abortion. There's a difference!

The Pro-Abortion Lobby