I Should Be Karl Rove

Karl Rove is supposed to be the so-called mastermind behind the Republicans' successes. However, most of his reasons, justifications, and opinions regarding political issues are only intelligent if you take them at face value and engage in absolutely no critical thinking.

For example, Rove said that if the Democrats had their way, Zarqawi would still be alive. He's probably right, but it's really a short-sighted argument. Sure, Zarqawi might be alive, but he wouldn't have been leading the insurgents, because there wouldn't be any insurgents; there'd be no need for them. Zarqawi might be a real estate agent or something.

I have much better justifications for the Bush administration's policies. They should hire me to take on Karl Rove's job.

The Iraq war looks bad, I know. All of the administration's reasons for war have either been proven false or are insignificant. Here's what they should be arguing: "Our enemies are mysterious and faceless. They are spread around the world making our mission to eradicate terrorism a very difficult one. This is why we are fighting in Iraq, in order to bring all of the terrorists to one place, so we can more easily fight them. Pretty genius, I know... Why didn't we have enough troops from the beginning, you ask? Umm, youthful indiscretions?"

Many conservatives are upset at the Bush administration because they are not adhering to the traditionally conservative ideology of small government. The Bush administration isn't liberal either. I think the phrase is neo-con, or insanely idiotic, I forget. Anyway, let me explain my dear conservatives: "Through our policies, we are shifting this nation to the right politically. Even so-called liberals are fighting for small government. They want the federal government out of their phone conversations, out of their gay marriages, and out of women's bodies. Trust us. "

Hopefully that helps Mr. Bush. I'll start working on justifying the lack of response to the victims of Hurricane Katrina, cutting taxes of only the very rich (no, it didn't help you, you don't have that much money), basing teachers' salaries on one single test that their students take, allowing genocide in Darfur, and flying that plane in Chinese airspace back in 2001 (anyone remember that?). I've got quite a lot of work ahead of me.