Thursday, July 28, 2005

Shocking News

This just in from the Democrats, George W. Bush's Supreme Court nominee Judge John Roberts is.....

politically conservative. In fact, he even worked closely with the Reagan administration! That's much worse than having sex with your assistant's Coke can (or starting wars on false pretenses).

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Jews For Jesus

Do you know what we call a Jew for Jesus in my neck of the woods? A Christian.

Good day.

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Word To The Wise

When exiting a Burger King restaurant, do not scream, "I have sex with monkeys!" regardless of the accuracy of your declaration because you won't have time to explain yourself to all the people hiding behind their shocked and disgusted faces.

Monday, July 25, 2005

Why? Sports Edition

Why are only half of the Nats' games televised locally?

Why isn't Ricky Williams suspended for a year for substance abuse?

Why was everyone on Ricky Williams back just because he didn't want to play football anymore?

Why does every baseball team trade away their future just because they're in a pennant race once?

Why are their so many baseball trades, has anyone ever heard of building a winner?

Why do coaches get fired so quickly in baseball, basketball, and football, anybody ever heard of patience as a virtue?

Why does ESPN only cover two baseball teams, the Yankees and the Red Sox?

Why are the St. Louis Cardinals and the Chicago Cubs a rivalry, the Cubs have sucked for 90 years?

Why did the Pistons have a problem with Larry Brown?

Why did the Bills get rid of Bledsoe this year? Why not either last year or next year, but not this year?

Why is boxing so corrupt?

Why would anyone care that hockey's back unless it was out of anger that air time will now be taken away from real sports again?

Saturday, July 23, 2005

That's Why You Don't Get Guns

The heroic London police department chased down a suspected suicide bomber through a crowded subway station and shot him dead, injuring no innocent bystanders. Or so they would have you think.

Instead, the police shot a South American man of indeterminable religious persuasion because he apparently left the wrong house at the wrong time. The state-sponsored murder has rattled the Muslim residents of London. The old adage, "if your brown, leave town," maybe become an unfortunate reality if they keep shooting people for inconsequential occurrences such as ordering the wrong type of chicken-yogurt combination.

Samir Fatimid, a fictional Pakistani immigrant who hands out fliers that nobody wants, said that this episode concerned him greatly. "The police shoot people simply because of their appearance," Fatimid said in an accent that led us to believe he thought he was cool, "they are unconcerned with a person's guilt or innocence. They are unconcerned with justice." Fatimid was evidently unconcerned that we didn't want his fucking flier. We stiffened our hands as if we were crippled and let the sheets of paper fall to the ground.

Abdullah Muhammad Shaikh Etc. was delighted by the news. He runs the local London Al-Queda chapter called Al-Loco Fantatico Mahkmud, which translates in English to "The Fanatical Crazies and We Know It". Abdullah explained, "If the British police shoot any ole' Muslim regardless of their affiliation to the Jihad, then we can continue to fuck around like we do." He continued, "We hope that the British police keep shooting innocent people because it allows us to proceed in our terrorist activities undeterred. Wait, I didn't mean terrorist…"

The British police are famous for not carrying guns and now we can see why. They mistook a South American for a Pakistani, and not just any Pakistani, but four specific Pakistanis. That's not even close. You're only about half-a-world off. Give the guns back, put on your stupid-looking hats, and solve something jerks.

Friday, July 22, 2005

Glad You Suck

Certainly the attacks in London over the past couple of weeks have been tragic. But, on the bright side, the attackers have managed to perform one of the most inefficient killing displays in the history of modern terrorism.

Spanning over two weeks, two different attacks included at least eight different bombs in the center of London during the heart of rush hour, producing less than 100 deaths. These attackers are clearly the stooges of terrorism. I could kill more people than that driving my car with my eyes closed. Even a schmuck like Hitler could do an infinitely better job. Jeffrey Dahmer ate people.

The bottom line is that the London bombers suck. Counted in the numbers of the dead are themselves, which makes their futility even more pathetic. I once pooped in my pants (it was today), picked up the poop, and then threw it like a monkey, killing more people than these buffoons did.

Osama's not going to stand for this kind of ineptitude. Buddy, you might as well worship the divinity of Christ in a really fanatical manner, because that's the only brand of fundamentalism that is capable of killing a mass amount of people at once anymore. Ahmed from Tikrit knows what I'm talking about.

Thursday, July 21, 2005

The Karl Rove Thing

All I've been thinking about throughout this whole Karl Rove/CIA saga is that Joe Wilson is a big prick. I mean first this guy uncovers the fact that the intelligence President Bush was basing the Iraq war on was false and then he had the nerve to go and tell people about it! Jerk.

Have we gotten to the point where a president can't tell a huge lie that will result in many people dying and get away with it? Well, if we have, I don't want to be a part of that world. I'm moving to Zimbabwe, where the presidential lying is still robust and unchallenged.

But that's not what this story is all about. Karl Rove uncovered the identity of Valerie Plame, the wife of Joe Wilson, as an undercover CIA agent and had the courage to tell the press about it. The controversy is that Mr. Rove had to saunter over the limits of the law. However, many great men have had to engage in illegal activity in order to enrich the souls of the masses. Martin Luther King did so, enabling blacks to exert their civil rights. Others have done so as well, including Gandhi, Jesus, and Jeffrey Dahmer. Mr. Rove joins these great men.

It takes a brave man to expose a CIA agent, ruining her career, endangering her life, and risking those of her contacts, simply for political revenge. Some may say that its like killing a fly with a sledgehammer, after the fly just pulled your grandmother out of a lake, saving her life. Mr. Rove has never been a slave to public opinion or their so-called morals. The public is filled with idiots anyway.

Of course, being the President's top aid, Rove has access to information that he probably shouldn't. With that, he double-super-secretly told three reports that this bad man Wilson has a CIA wife, "why isn't she in the kitchen?" Of the three, only the gallant Robert D. Novak had the balls to publicize the information. Judith Miller of the New York Times now finds herself in prison and Matthew Cooper, bald-head fat-ass and all, relinquished his source and evaded jail. What will happen to the great Robert Douchebag Novak, you ask? He's invited to the White House this coming Monday, where he'll get to stay in the Lincoln bedroom and have relations with three attractive chix with dix. Lucky man.

Joe Wilson, the man who ruined the illusion of a noble war, the husband of someone whose job forced her to be 'sneaky' (who wears the pants in that family anyway?), and who got a free trip to that vacation spot extraordinaire Niger, actually has the audacity to criticize Karl Rove? What did Wilson do that was illegal? Nothing. No courage. But Mr. Rove released the identity of an active undercover CIA agent. That takes testicles, big spherical red ones! Then he had the guts to lie about sharing the information. Bravo Mr. Rove, bravo! Lying about uncovering a CIA agent as payback for her husband uncovering Mr. Rove's boss's lie, truly genius.

I wonder which presidentially-distributed medal Karl Rove will receive.

I hope it's the Medal of Manliness.

Monday, July 18, 2005

Yell At Bush

A friend of mine will have the rare experience of sharing the same room with Mr. George W. Bush.

Things that Bhavna should yell at Mr. Bush:

  1. Hey, what's 2 + 2? No, it's not 7.
  2. On my way down here I saw a child left behind. What's up with that?
  3. Hey jerkwad, remember when you devised the brilliant plan to stop forest fires by cutting down trees? Well I've devised a plan to stop ugliness, it involves this bat and your face.
  4. If you love war so much, let's see you fight in Iraq! Or any war for that matter! Oh, don't have the courage?
  5. So, what's cocaine like?
  6. So, what's killing hookers and having your daddy cover it up like?
  7. Assmunch, how can you be pro-life and yet responsible for so much death?
  8. That whole pretzel thing, how wasted were you?
  9. It's pronounced NUCLEAR dumbass. Not nucular.
  10. Spell DUI.
  11. I disagree with your policies and feel that you have dishonored your country.
  12. My friend David H. did not tell me to say these things!
  13. Please don't deport me.
  14. Fuck you and the horse you rode in on!
  15. Tell your secret service agents to get the fuck off of me!
  16. Help!

Good luck Bhavna!

Sunday, July 17, 2005

Washington Redskins Move to Kansas City

The Washington Redskins will officially move to Kansas City and become the Kikes after the owners get together in West Palm Beach, Florida on Wednesday to ratify the deal. The move makes sense for the former Redskin franchise. They are leaving a Washington market that loves their NFL team to go to a city that already has one. Owner Daniel Snyder, a Jew, felt that the move was necessary for the sake of political correctness. In a press conference, Snyder acknowledged that the name 'Redskins' is offensive to those "En-gens" as he patted his O-shaped mouth with his right hand and garnished his head with his left in the guise of a feather headdress.

When asked about the new name's potential to be offensive, Snyder seemed bitter. Reporters told him that the word "kike" is a derogatory term for Jews, a group to which he belongs. This appeared to be new information for the billionaire, who responded, "Hopefully the Jews can take a joke better than those Chief Complain-a-lots." The group to which Snyder referred, the Chief Complain-a-lots, could not be found by researchers after they googled the name several times, and thus could not be reached for comment. The Jewish community is broygez. They feel betrayed and fairly farklempt.

The Kansas City Kikes will share their new city with the Chiefs of the AFC's Western division.

Despite the controversial teamnames that the franchise has endured, Snyder will continue to court high priced free agents and overpay for head coaches for little-to-no positive results. The season starts in September.

*- Parts of this report may be false. However, the season does start in September.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

The Pro-Abortion Lobby

We may seem hard to find, but I am part of the pro-abortion lobby. Being pro-abortion, I feel that all fetuses should be aborted. It does not matter if the mother wants to have a baby, have an abortion, even in cases of rape or the ever-popular incest.

Many people claim that abortion is wrong, but I'm here to say that it's oh so right. The pro-abortion lobby hopes that, through universal abortions, crime will be eradicated, taxes will cease to be necessary, and some young punk will never take your job! I think you like those propositions. Here's more guarantees, with our pro-abortion agenda, you will get laid more because there will be less men to compete with. You don't follow that logic? Uh, some people think cucumbers taste better pickled.

The true obstacle of the pro-abortion lobby is not those abortion-hating pro-lifers, but those intelligent and dare I say, suave, pro-choicers. Sure, they feel that abortion should be legal, but only when carried out responsibly. They believe that the woman should have a right to her body. What poppycock! Why should women be given the right to privacy when it regards her body? That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard! She should go back into the kitchen and make me a sandwich! Which reminds me, fuck the ERA!

Those pro-choice people give abortion a bad name. They talk about abortion like it's a serious decision. They say, what if it is an unwanted pregnancy. I say, isn't that all of them. I mean, who wants to sit behind a baby on an airplane as it cries for the entire flight. I'd rather have sex with John Hagee. I'd grease up his curvaceous breasts with olive oil and rub my long abortion-loving nose in circles against his nipples. Then I smother my hairless balls in peanut butter and his one ball in jelly and then we'd PB & J that shit all night long.

Getting back to abortion, pro-lifers have said that all we want to do is kill babies and ruin the lives of women. That is so unfair. I only want to kill babies if they happen to slip through the cracks and are not aborted when they are a fetus. As far as ruining women's lives, yes, but not through abortion.

Finally, I am sick and tired of pro-lifers equating pro-choice advocates with us morally upstanding pro-abortion promoters. Those people actually like babies, and believe in justice for women. Can you believe that shit?! They are such fakers. To be pro-abortion, you have to go all out. There's no time for logic, reasoning, or decision-making. The only way to make this country great is to kill all its fetuses. God Bless America and vote for your pro-abortion presidential candidate in 2008.

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Crazy TV Pastor Shocks Me, Others

Crazy Pastor John Hagee of TBN fame is as his title suggests, a crazy pastor. Upon watching his sermon earlier in the day, I was quite surprised by one particular paragraph that spewed from his fat face. No, this time he hadn't preached against the pro-abortion lobby, made fun of gay people, or called all Arab men 'terrorists' (well ok, he did, but that didn't surprise me). Instead, what shocked both my brother and I was a different sort of statement.

Crazy Pastor Hagee said that the reference to Libya and Ethiopia in the bible was actually referencing the Arabian peninsula. Ok, whatever. Then he continued preaching about Moses. Talking about Moses, he stated that the geographic area referred to in the book of Ezekiel was "an Arab coalition, an Islamic coalition."

Wait a second! If Ezekiel wrote about an "Islamic coalition" during the time of Moses, he would have been wrong by thousands of years. Islam did not become a religion until well after Moses had departed for that Red Sea in the sky. Even worse, Ezekiel could not even have made up that tale because Islam was not around until after Ezekiel wrote his part of the bible.

The shocking part about this, as noted by my brother Ian, is that these people usually do not get their facts wrong. They usually start with faulty premises, or give unbelievably ridiculous logic, but their facts are almost always correct. A crazy pastor, especially one as gifted at being a crazy pastor as Mr. Hagee, rarely makes such a foolish mistake.

Now, he was talking about biblical prophecies, but I'm not sure that Ezekiel was prophesizing about a religion that wasn't around yet and then erroneously dating it during the period of Moses. Clearly, Crazy Pastor Hagee simply misspoke. And if Mr. Hagee misspoke about that, maybe all his talk about Jesus is a lie too, and maybe he sticks green army men in his penis hole as he watches his tapes of Queer Eye For the Straight Guy, picks his nose, and eats cow poop.

Monday, July 11, 2005

A Tragedy Like London

When any human dies it is a tragedy. Let's see if you care when the tragedy hits Africa and not London...

Rwandan rebels kill 26 in eastern Congo - aid workers

"A Congolese government official quoted rebels as putting the death toll at 76 from the attack, saying it was carried out on Saturday to punish villagers for supporting U.N. troops seeking to expand their presence in the country's South Kivu province.

"Rwandan Hutu militias, many of whom fled after conducting the 1994 genocide in their homeland, have long been active in eastern Congo, prompting Rwanda to invade its huge neighbour twice to try to neutralise them

"Earlier this year, the FDLR vowed to lay down its weapons and return to Rwanda. But none of the fighters have left and the group has been accused of collaborating with Congolese gunmen in kidnapping and extortion rackets in South Kivu."

Nats at the Break

At the All Star break, the Washington Nationals remain in first place in the National League East. Despite numerous injuries, and low expectations from so-called experts, the Nats have continued to win.

Manager Frank Robinson has been a major part of the reason why the Nats have been winning. He's been pushing nearly all the right buttons and understands his team and their talents. Jose Guillen has put this team on his back and carried them to their top spot in the Majors best division. The pitching staff has also been spectacular, responsible for the "One Run Wonders" gaudy one run won-loss record.

Another reason for the Nats surprising success is the ineptitude of those so-called experts. At the beginning of the year, I reasonably predicted a Wild Card winning team. They were hopefully going to be less injured than their predecessor, the 2004 Montreal Expos, gained several key players, Guillen, Vinny Castilla (who by the way only led the NL in RBIs last season), Esteban Loaiza, among others, and they finally have a true home. It was not feasible for anyone to pick the Nats to finish last before the season.

However, with all of their injuries, it is a bit shocking that the Nats have been able to grab and hold first place against the NL's third best team record-wise, the Atlanta Braves. Those in the know hoped that Chad Cordero would anchor a solid relief core; he has more than impressed. Nick Johnson, who was having a great first half, went down with injury, so the ancient Carlos Baerga has effectively filled his spot. After Termel Sledge went down, Ryan Church became a leader on the team. Church became injured and Marlon Byrd kept up the Nats' fantastic defensive ways. When Byrd wasn't doing it with the bat, Matt Cepicky has stepped in and hit. Then there's Jamey Carroll, who has been Mr. Everything for the Nats, considering their inclination for injuries.

Each of the players that have remained healthy gives the club something unique. Brad Wilkerson (B-dub) has been the table setter on offense. He strikes out a lot and his average isn't great, but his on base percentage more than makes up for it. He also plays a determined centerfield, although he is not the fleetest of foot. The aforementioned Guillen has been the club's MVP. Especially on the road, where he has hit all but one of his homers. His arm is one of the best that I've ever seen from the outfield. Castilla gets big hits and plays the hot corner like a pro. Brain Schneider is extremely underrated. Before this season I knew who he was, but didn't think of him as much of a player; a decent catcher in a sport where current great catchers are as rare as current great centers in the NBA. But this year I've had the pleasure of watching him play and he is a superstar simply because of his defensive prowess if there ever was such a thing in baseball. He calls a great game, he is as solid as an air tight backstop, and he throws out runners like they were spoiled milk.

The pitching staff has been pretty great too. Livan Hernandez is Joe Morgan's Cy Young award winner for the first half of the season. Loaiza has been effective, more than last year, but not quite up to his best yet, and John Patterson has been a pleasant surprise and is damn good. Tony Armas, injured early in the year, has started to come around and pitch up to his potential. The fifth starter is Ryan Drese, who was having a terrible year with the Texas Rangers. Since coming over to the nation's capital, Drese has turned his season around.

Who knows what the second half holds for the Nats, but even if they don't make a major trade, they're getting Nick Johnson and Ryan Church back from the DL. Those are two pretty good players to put back in the lineup. And a healthy Jose Vidro never hurt anyone either.

Team - Wins - Losses - Games Back
Washington 52 - 36 ------
Atlanta ---- 50 - 39 - 2 1/2
Florida ---- 44 - 42 - 7
Philadelphia 45 - 44 - 7 1/2
New York -- 44 -44 - 8

Friday, July 08, 2005

A Sad Hypocrisy

The attacks against London fill me sadness and anger. Leaders such as George Bush and Tony Blair are correct when they say that the attackers have no regard for human life. They are vicious people.

Unfortunately, when these same men contrast these attackers to themselves, they are quite hypocritical. Mr. Bush gave a very eloquent comparison with the attackers and the people at the G-8 Summit. He said that the people at the G-8 Summit are dedicated to feeding the hungry, eradicating poverty, and generally helping humanity. This is a nice thought, and it is a goal to be obtained.

Instead of the positive aspects that Mr. Bush said that he devotes his attention, he has been responsible for murder as well. People are people and killing is always wrong. I became angry over Mr. Bush and Mr. Blair's hypocrisy. Of course, this was a dark event, but they have been responsible for creating the same sadness all over the world. I wish their actions more closely reflected their rhetoric.

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

An Ominous Omen

Over the last three days, we've witnessed a reversal of fortune for the Nats. Throughout this season, the team's first, the Nats have won because of their clutch play. Often they have been out-hit by their opponents and yet managed to win. They win because of timely hitting, smart baserunning, hustle, will, and good pitching and defense.

Scrappy play usually earns a team respect, not first place in a tough division. But the Nats have elevated the importance of inspiration. Only two DC ballplayers were elected to this year's All Star Game (Jose Guillen and Nick Johnson should have been), but this is because a different hero emerges every evening. A number of the Nats' hitters are wallowing in the low .200s, generally a sign of a bad ballclub. But those few hits that the Nats obtain are always essential. The Nats have yanked victories from the jaws of defeat so often, they can be confused with competitive dentists.

That's what makes the last three days so puzzling, so peculiar. Yes, the Nats won two of the last three games, but it was the manner of each game that worries this fan. The Nats were leading in all three games. On Sunday, against the Cubs, the Nats took a two-run lead into the ninth. With All Star Chad Cordero on the hill, the game figured to be over. However, the Cubs battled back with a homer from Ramirez. The Nats fought back taking two in the 11th. Yet again, the Cubs tied it. Brian Schneider won the game with a solo shot the next inning, but the Nats had blown a two-run lead twice having the chance to close the game out.

The un-Nat-like play continued on Monday. With a slim lead against the Mets, the bullpen collapsed. The Mets were the team with the clutch hitting, winning the July 4th contest in the ninth. This past night saw a tired Esteban Loaiza give up ninth inning baserunners and Cordero allow two runners to return homeward. The Nats hung on, but the omen is ominous.

The Nats have been the team that has capitalized on others' mistakes, not created their own. However, as the Nats regulars return to action, our chances still look quite good.

Saturday, July 02, 2005

...The Way Anti-Semites Talk About Jews

It is no secret that historically both Poles and Russians do not have much fondness for Jews. That's what made this quote so odd.

First the set up:
After Centuries of Enmity, Relations Between Poland and Russia Are as Bad as Ever
Richard Bernstein
The New York Times

"An exchange during a recent visit to Warsaw by Gleb Pawlowski, an adviser to President Vladimir V. Putin of Russia, reported by the Polish newspaper Gazeta Wryborcza, indicated the nastiness of the mood in both countries."

'Poles talk about Russians the way anti-Semites talk about Jews,' Mr. Pawlowski said."

A Jew reads this quote from Mr. Pawlowski and figures that he must be some sort of Russian comedian or something. I heard David Duke said that Strom Thurmond talked about him the way racists talked about black people.

But seriously, Poland, Russia, shut the fuck up. You killed how many millions of Jews each? Don't compare some weak rhetoric to your murderous pasts.

Black Institutions, Segregationalist?

The argument that black institutions have continued the existence of segregation remains pervasive. This perspective has always befuddled me. Unfortunately, it is a difficult viewpoint to debate because it requires an eager listener who is willing to allow the webs of history to influence and change their attitude.

However, the least I can do is try.

First, let's begin with the education system. There are white people who reject Historically Black Universities (HBU) because they preach some perceived extinct form of separation. They argue that there are no historically white universities. If there were historically white universities, they would be deemed racist, so why aren't HBUs considered the same?

Of course, there are many historically white universities. HBUs were created as a reaction to so-called "normal" universities. Perhaps the University of Mississippi has not been officially called a historically white university, but that is exactly what it is. There are far more historically white universities than there are HBUs. HBUs also do exclude white students. For many decades, historically white universities clearly did exclude blacks from enrollment.

The reason HBUs are designated as such, and historically white universities are not given that label deals with the power relationship between whites and blacks throughout the history of the United States. So-called "race" issues always involve blacks. The white race becomes invisible. Problems that plague whites are never considered "race" issues unless they include blacks. In contrast, issues that face blacks that may have nothing to do with whites are always considered "race" issues.

Why does this matter? The point is that when an institution is black, we label it as Black. However, since the white race is invisible, so is the title of White. We all consider Howard a Black school, but who considers NYU a White one?

I've also heard that BET, the black television network, continues segregation. It is more of a protection against a different kind of invisibility. Not debating the quality of any channel, without specifically black television networks, black culture would either be ignored or exploited.
The rest of television is geared towards whites. Of course there are exceptions, but exceptions do not make the rule.

Simply because an institution has "black" in its title, or claims to be aimed towards blacks does not mean that it is preserves segregation. It is important to look at what the institution exists in reaction to. Generally you will find a white institution that does not overtly claim to be one, but it doesn't take much investigation to find the percentage of blacks that are in white universities, or who the Comedy Central show Blue Collar Television is aimed at.

Friday, July 01, 2005

A Baseball Fan's Sorrow

It would seem as if I have nothing to feel sorrowful about. My new team, the Washington Nats, are in first place. After 15 years of cheering for the Atlanta Braves, I knew it was time for a move in my allegiance. Many issues such as John Rocker, an overall fading interest in baseball, and the frustration with other Braves fans, had been wearing on my loyalties to the Braves. I had made up my mind years ago, when the rumors first began, that I would root for my hometown Washington team, whenever they would come into existence.

As we know the Braves have been one of the most successful teams in history over the last 15 years. Only the first year that I followed them, when they finished last, have they not made the playoffs (excluding the 1994 strike-shortened season). Now, I'm rooting for the Nats and not only are they in first, but they're preventing the Braves from maintaining their streak.

I've been lucky enough to go to four Nats games, where we're 3-1. Each has been very exciting.

So what do I have to feel sorrow about?

Well, one of my favorite players on the Nats is Brian Schneider. He is a great defensive catcher and leaves his heart out on the field. With his name, there was the distinct possibility that he was also Jewish. So, today, I did some research to find out.

I checked various lists of current Jewish baseball players. Nothing. Also Jason Marquis is Jewish, good to know. Then I tried to find profiles about Schneider. Most turned up nothing, until I found an MLB profile. This sentence, I believe, exposes his true religious persuasion...

"I moved into a new house. Signing the contract before Christmas was a great present."

My world collapsed. We all need heroes. Someone up there that in him you see a reflection of yourself. You can say, "That's not me, but he's like me." By being born a gentile, Brian Schneider took that from me. To have a Jew on my favorite team would have been something special. But don't worry Brian, I'll still root for you all the same.