Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Fat People Are People Too

So this nice fat guy held the door for me while we were both leaving the Chipotle. Then he was very sweet for apologizing after getting in my way following holding the door for me (cuz he's fat).

Turns out we were parked right next to each other. I parked too close for him to get into his car. I felt so bad, cuz he was such a sweet guy and it was raining pretty hard and he just had to stand there and wait for me to pull out so he could get into his car.

Then I realized something. It's his fucking fault for being fat! Lose some weight fat ass and you'd be able to fit through a 3-foot wide gap between our cars!!! And get the fuck outta my way tubby, I can hold my own door!

Sunday, November 27, 2005

I'm American, Bitch 2

Tonight on I'm American, Bitch, David continues his staunch advocacy of the pro-abortion lobby.

To compliment my argument, please check out

Let me begin by saying that I love my country, in this case, America. More than I love ponies, breathing, sex, reason, logic, and the new internet payment system "paypal."

Many people have questioned the abortion belief of the new Supreme Court nominees. What I can assure you is that the Court is in danger of continuing to have ZERO pro-abortion justices. Some are pro-choice, others pro-life, but ALL advocate continuing the existence of the human race!

The closest the pro-abortion lobby has come to having a Supreme Court Justice was Robert Bork, nominated by Reagan. If William Bennett ever wants to get into law and out of gambling, he has a home in the pro-abortion lobby.

The only problem with William Bennett is his racism. I mean, we are back-shit crazy, but we're not racist! We don't stand for that! We don't want to simply suggest (already language too weak for us) that aborting all black babies would lower crime (abort all fetuses, see what happens to crime!), we want to abort all fetuses. It is society that is fucked up, not any particular race, and thus all fetuses should be aborted, in order to eradicate society.

But race is not the pro-abortion's primary concern. In fact, it is not a concern at all. If all fetuses are aborted, then there won't be races! See, it makes sense.

Plus, we have a problem with Mr. Bennett's use of the term "aborting babies." We want to abort fetuses first and foremost. We promise to only abort babies if they slip through the cracks and are not aborted when they are fetuses. Aborting babies willy-nilly is for Hitler and Robert Bork, not the sane and rational pro-abortion lobby.

Speaking of insane and irrational, what is it with women wanting control over their own bodies? We do support not putting women on the Supreme Court, because they might insTITute some "dirty legal tricks" such as claiming precedent to save choice, or enacting some kind of privacy argument to curtail the pro-abortion lobby. That is the one area that the pro-abortion lobby and the pro-life lobby (or as I call them, the anti-death lobby [except for the death penalty and wars, hypocrites]) can agree upon. Women don't deserve "rights".

So to sum up:

Robert Bork:
Good- pro-abortion and hates women.
Bad- didn't make the Supreme Court to further the cause.

William Bennett:
Good- likes aborting things, people.
Bad- a bit too racist, into gambling instead of law.

Good- hate women, like some kinds of death.
Bad- hate abortion, even when done irresponsibly.

Good- occasionally dabble in abortion.
Bad- the true enemy, give abortion a bad name, respect women.

God Bless America and support your pro-abortion Supreme Court nominees!

Saturday, November 26, 2005

Said's Orient

Why is it that when "Westerners" move to an "Eastern" country, they are called ex-pats, but when Easterners move to a Western country, they are considered immigrants?

Along the same lines, why is Latin America not considered the "West" but Europe is? Has anyone looked at a map recently?

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

New NBA Dress Code Extends to Fantasy Basketball

As commissioner of The Hell-Bound Hebrews fantasy basketball league, I introduced a dress code for the owners in a post which has been reproduced below.

*Important* New Dress Code

Following the NBA, there will be a dress code for this fantasy league beginning on Monday.

All participants of the Hell-Bound Hebrews League must wear a proper suit and tie (dress pants too Mike) with appropriate shoes while they are conducting fantasy basketball business.

This includes at your computer, whether you are searching for free agents, simply checking your stats, or IMing another owner regarding anything fantasy basketball related. This also includes meeting other owners in person and discussing fantasy basketball issues.

The fine for any violation will be a strike of one transaction move per violation.

The goals of these new regulations include portraying a "professional" image in representing the Hell-Bound Hebrews League. We want to move away from our previously perceived "thug" or "hip hop" or "urban" persona. This is in the spirit of limiting "creativity" or "self-expression" which may not represent the type of professionalism that this league wishes to portray.

If you have any concerns, please contact management.

Saturday, November 12, 2005

Joining the Old Boys Club

Ellen Johnson-Sirleaf, the new president of Liberia, becomes the first female head of state in Africa since independence. The New York Times claims,

"Ms. Johnson-Sirleaf's victory propels her into an old boys' club unlike any other. From the Cape to Cairo, from Dar es Salaam to Dakar, men have dominated African politics from the earliest days of the anticolonial struggle."

True, but what about the United States? The U.S. has been independent for roughly 200 years longer than the nations of Africa and has never even approached the possibility of a female president. Talk about an old boys' club unlike any other.

Of course, to be fair, most nations in the world have not had a female head of state and the ones that have, the benefits to women have been minimal at best.

Hmmm, perhaps this issue of treatment of women is an important one. Maybe each society should work to improve its own status of women instead of using the treatment of women in Iraq to help justify war.

The article is:
In First for Africa, Woman Wins Election as President of Liberia
By: Lydia Polgreen
New York Times
Published: November 12, 2005

Thursday, November 10, 2005

One Small Step Back For Humankind, One Giant Leap Back For Jews

Some of you may have seen the Dateline report on computer predators who go into chatrooms to have sex with young boys and girls. Dateline had decoys set up as little boys or girls and chatted with these men about sex, eventually inviting them over to a house that Dateline had rented. Sure enough, a number of men came over. One even stripped naked before entering the house.

Another man who entered the Fairfax, Virginia home, proved to be a rabbi. Of course, my reaction was: "FUCK! Not the rabbi!" I mean, did you have to hold a position that you can only have if your Jewish, you child-fucking freak? Or at least, couldn't you have been a cantor, that's more ambiguous? The gentiles wouldn't know what's up if you were a cantor. Plus, I think we all take it for granted that cantors have sex with little children anyway. Or did I just have a bad experience?

No, this fuckup had to be a rabbi, who came over to hump some 14-year-old-boy ass. True, being 14 years old, the boy might be considered a man by Jewish law, but c'mon. That shit was true thousands of years ago. People didn't live as long. Fourteen years old was middle-aged back then.

And rabbi, you don't have an excuse like those sexually repressed Catholic priests. If you're not married, I'm sure you could have married some nice Jewish girl (WOMAN!), you're a fucking rabbi for Christ's sake!

This is worse then that whole Son of Sam killer business or Ariel Sharon. I just hope you're orthodox, Mr. Rabbi. For my sake.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Racist Subs

To the fucking racist ass substitute gym teacher from last Friday(a former high school football coach)...

I'm not sure that because there aren't that many black offensive lineman in the NFL, or black quarterbacks, that that proves that white people are smarter than black people. Maybe there aren't that many black offensive lineman or quarterbacks because motherfucking racist coaches like you think black people are stupider.

Oh by the way, fuck you.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

I'm American, Bitch

Tonight, on I'm American, Bitch David argues that despite recent and less recent "obstacles to democracy," the war in Iraq was a great idea.

First let me begin by saying that I love my country, America. I am not part of the blame America first crowd. I believe that if you voice an opinion different from the president (unless it is more conservative) you are a traitor and a terrorist. That may sound like a harsh accusation, especially if you are a tree-hugging lesbian. News flash: trees have penises. In fact they are large thick dicks themselves. Ok, now I'm feeling self-conscious.

I don't even know why I need to say this but this war had nothing to do with WMDs, except for the fact that we are in Iraq because Saddam Hussein has them (still). If he didn't have them, why would he not comply with the UN and his mortal enemy the USA? What's that you Saddam-loving lesbo... silence? Exactly.

Democracy is also an essential reason for this great and glorious war. Freedom is on the march. In the words of Dr. King, if you want freedom you have to kill a whole lot of Iraqis. Not a direct quote. Without democracy, different opinions would be stifled. The country would slowly grow into a totalitarian state. Then wars would begin on false pretenses and those who opposed such a war would be labeled as traitors and terrorists. I will not allow that to happen in Iraq!!!! Will you, nancy-boy?

I know what the critics are saying, "What about all the death caused by war?" First of all, quit crying you economic girlie-man. 'Look at me, boo hoo hoo, I'm throwing myself a pity party.' Shut-up bitch. Now I am just as concerned as anyone about the death of Americans. When real people die, it's sad. I'm mean I'm not going to cry about it like a homo. But they died for freedom, they are heroes. Wait, Dan Quayle, "e" or no "e"?

Ok, I'm going to wrap this up by saying that Iraqis are not as good as Americans. They have a different DNA, ask Senator Dr. Bill Frist. Plus, they look different from us, ask Rev. Pat Robertson (Dr. King, also a Dr. and a Rev. Your point is falling on its face, isn't it you liberal commie pig). Well, Iraqis look like Hispanics, even have the same mustaches, but still, they're terrorists. All of them. Do you think Saddam Hussein is a terrorist? See, then all of them are. So the bottom line, the war in Iraq was a smart thing and I don't see what the problem is. Oh yeah, I'm not racist. What else? I have Iraqi friends... maybe? They might be Hispanic though. Ok, it was a guy I saw once walking down the street. I said, "hola." It counts.

God Bless America

The real reason for terrorism...


Vote Republican, stop the gay terrorist agenda.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Wide Load

You know those trucks that have cars in front of them with signs saying "oversized vehicle"? I think fat people should hire midgets to hold a similar sign to warn the rest of us that their fat ass is coming and we best move over.