Saturday, March 31, 2007

Final Four Recap

It felt like Georgetown never really got into the game against Ohio State in the semis. The Hoyas hung tough, as they have the previous three games, but couldn't make their customary surge at the end. Instead, Ohio State squirted away in the final few minutes.

Greg Oden got in early foul trouble and wasn't a factor in the first half. Roy Hibbert lasted longer, and was more effective in the first frame, but he too committed his 2nd foul early. Both centers played well in the second half. Jeff Green didn't assert himself to the degree the Hoyas needed. He only played well in spurts. Mike Conley has been amazing this tournament and he continued that trend. It's certainly disappointing to watch another one of my teams lose in the national semifinals again. But it's been a remarkable run. Georgetown had a great season and I'm proud of them. They showed that hustle and discipline still play an important part of college basketball. And a few pro prospects never hurt.

You've got to feel bad for Arron Afflalo. For the second straight year, Corey Brewer and the Florida Gators frustrated him and ended his dream. He ended with 17 points, all in the second half, and none of them very important to the ultimate outcome. Florida dominated this game with their size. The battle of the ugly-off was no contest. Noah was just one of three-headed monster (Horford and Richard), whereas Lorenzo Mata is not as talented as any of that trifecta.

Monday night features a rematch of the college football championship. Florida's trying to repeat their football team's result and as men's national basketball champion. Unfortunately, I like their chances.

Friday, March 30, 2007

2008 Presidential Candidates Update

I've had a lot of trouble getting this post up, but I'll try again.

Barack Obama - Could be the first Irish guy elected since Kennedy. Oh, he's not Irish?
Hillary Clinton - I liked her policies better when they were Joe Lieberman's. She said that she'll leave troops in Iraq and she still won't admit that her vote for the war was a mistake. Will she admit that taking us into Iran was a mistake ten years from now?
John Edwards - Wife has cancer. As long as he doesn't have cancer, there's still a chance I'll vote for him.
Bill Richardson - He's Latino. Pleeeease believe him, he is!
Chris Dodd - Syllables in his name say yes, everything else says no.
Dennis Kucinich - This generation's Ross Perot should give it up. He's a congressperson and has a nice tall wife, that should be good enough.
Joe Biden - I'll give him one more slur until he drops out of the race. My prediction, he'll say something racist, but well-intentioned, about Mexicans.
Mike Gravel - Retired from the senate before I was born. He's the grandson of Flintstone's character Mr. Gravel.

Rudi Giuliani - I think he may have had another scandal, but did you know that he was mayor of New York during 9/11. And it was the 9/11 that counts, not some shit like 9/11/1986 (take that Ed Koch).
John McCain - Considers Baghdad a tourist paradise. He used to be a Maverick and now is a Hawk. He's giving up a lot of wins with that trade.
Chuck Hagel - Called a meeting to say he likes the show American Idol. He votes regularly by text message.
Mitt Romney - His ancestors were reportedly polygamists. Mitt is a poly-masturbator. What a great country!
Duncan Hunter - I'm sticking with the gay rumor. Hey, I've got a 10% chance of being right. That's what he gets for being against gay rights.
Tommy Thompson - Sorry buttercup, no repeating names.
Tom Tancredo - He really hates Mexicans. But is it enough to win the nomination? You gotta respect that kind of passion and dedication to a single issue. I'd love to see a Richardson-Tancredo matchup, but alas, we may have to leave that one to the imagination.
Fred Thompson - Sorry, I don't watch Law and Order.
Mike Huckabee - Face looks like a beaver. Even more than William McKinley.
Ron Paul, Jim Gilmore - I still have no idea who these people are and I looked them up!

Thursday, March 29, 2007

Evil Leaders League Finals, Game 2

Here is Game 2 of the best of 3 series for the ELL Championship. Here is the result, George Michael, press the button:

al-Bashir vs Kim
Sudanese president Omar al-Bashir met with Secretary General of the UN Ban Ki-Moon. Engaging with the international community is bad news for evil leaders (unless that community is the nuclear underworld). Then, Omar al-Bashir decided to ban UN troops from Darfur, insisting that generals can only send African troops, and later mooned his secretary Kiki. The president of Sudan will not allow any blue helmets in Darfur or on his penis while he has sex with Kiki. Kim Jong-Il, the leader of North Korea, just bowled the greatest game of all time. He bowled a 302. Some claim that he cheated, including the millions of people in North Korea who may starve because of a poor harvest and a fall in foreign aid. But at least they haven't been killed by the state-sponsored Janjaweed militia. The people of Darfur, Sudan have been.
winner: al-Bashir
series: al-Bashir 2-0

Mugabe is beating up his opponents, Ahmadinejad captured British hostages, and Castro's trying make a triumphant comeback to public life. Sorry fellas, it's too late. Congratulations to Omar al-Bashir for winning the first season of the Evil Leaders League! The season in review extravaganza is still to come.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Tony Snow's Cancer Press Conference

press secretary: Hello everyone. I'm the press secretary for Tony Snow's cancer. I'll take some questions now.
reporter: What is the goal?
press secretary: The goal is victory. Next.
another reporter: What does victory mean in this situation?
press secretary: When I say victory, I'm talking about getting the job done. We won't quit until we get the job done. Next. You.
another reporter: What is Tony Snow's prognosis?
press secretary: I'd refer you to his doctor.
another reporter: Word is that it is colon cancer. Can you confirm that?
press secretary: I don't want to give away the location of the cancer, it would embolden our enemies. Next.
another reporter: Has the cancer spread to his liver?
press secretary: Again, I will not reveal the location of the cancer. But I can assure you that I have no knowledge of whether his cancer has spread to inside his liver.
yet another reporter: Why won't you reveal the location of Tony Snow's cancer?
press secretary: We need to let the cancer do its job. That job is achieving its goal of victory. We don't want to let our enemies know where the cancer is.
another reporter: What enemies are you speaking of?
press secretary: Where have you been since the last attack? The enemies that wish to do Tony Snow's cancer harm. Who's next? You.
another reporter: Tony Snow has been accused of misleading the press and the American public with some of his statements. What is your response to this charge?
press secretary: I'd refer you to Tony Snow. I serve at the pleasure of Tony Snow's cancer and that is who I answer to.
another reporter: Will Tony Snow receive chemotherapy?
press secretary: We've heard the threats. If it comes to that, Tony Snow's cancer will respond with appropriate actions. Let me make this clear, you can all write it down for your little columns, Tony Snow's cancer will not be intimidated! Tony Snow's cancer intends to win the heart and mind. It will not stop until the job is done. One more. You.
another reporter: Is there any chance that Tony Snow will defeat the disease?
press secretary: Tony Snow's cancer is not a disease. It's a series of opportunity cells. I don't believe that these opportunity cells will face defeat. Do you? Are you siding with the enemy? Does your rag, The New England Journal of Medicine, know about your sympathies for the enemy? Haha. No, the fact of the matter is that this cancer is the best thing that ever happened to Tony Snow. Especially if the opportunity cells give him the opportunity to enter the next life. Haha. Alright, we're done here.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

The Fear of Color (and Jews) Part 2

Here's more from my conversation with prominent neo-nazis and various other bigots, both dead and alive.

We are in a conference room sitting at a round table.
Me: You know The George Michael Sports Machine went off the air. The last episode was Sunday.
Richard Butler: Eh, I didn't like that show, too many blacks.
William Pierce: I was never a big sports fan.
Robert Mathews: I liked the show. Sad to see it go. George Michael's alright.
Bill Riccio: Never watched it. I spend all my time watching clips of Hitler.
Rob: He was a big Dale Earnhardt fan.
Bill: Who, Hitler?
Rob: Nah, George Michael.
Me: I liked Dale Earnhardt. He was my favorite driver.
Rob: You liked Dale Earnhardt?
Me: Yeah.
Rob: But he's not a Jew or a black, how could you like him?
Me: I don't know, he was a tenacious driver who drove a cool black car. I don't really base my rooting interests on race or ethnicity.
Rob: Hmm. Dale Earnhardt, he was a helluva driver. Pure white and a mustache like a god.
Me: I liked his mustache as well. Very bushy.
Rob: I liked the bushiness of Dale Earnhardt's mustache too. (Pause the length of when you tell your Orthodox parents that you're gay) You know, you're not so bad... for an America-controlling Jew.
Robert Mathews gets up on his way out.
Me: Uh, well, thank you? I still think we may have a bit more to talk about. You should stay.
Rob: Sorry fella. Gotta meeting with the Association of Advanced Aryans (AAA), but I'll tell 'em about you.
Me: I couldn't imagine anything better for the continuation of my life.
Robert Mathews leaves.
Rich: I like that Danica Patrick. Mmm, I can just taste the whiteness.
Me: Yeah, she's attractive.
Will: This horny Jew-devil is gonna steal our white women.
Me: Yeah, that's right. You really have to worry about me "stealing" Danica Patrick away. Sure, on the off chance I ever see her in person, I'll be able to walk right up to her and she'll just fall for me. I hear she goes for short bitter hairy Jews.
Another pause, not as long, maybe enough for a little nosh.
David Duke: Thankfully the sports talk has ended. Now maybe we can get back to business. How about that, you satanic semite?
Me: Sure. We can talk about the use of slurs, sound good?
Will: My favorite for the Jew is the Omnipotent Money-Grabber.
Rich: I just call all 'em non-aryans, animals.
Dave: Omnipotent Money-Grabber, that's good, very poetic.
Bill: Well, I call Jews, those big nosed, stinky pantsed, um, jack-a-nin, I like to pitchfork them in the ass.
Will: Thanks David.
Me: What? No. I didn't mean your favorite slurs. I meant the negative impact of slurs on others. The fact that they are misrepresenting, slanderous, and wow that was terrible Bill. Big nosed, stinky pantsed, jack-a-ninny pitchfork ass? What the fuck is wrong with you.
Dave: All he does is watch clips of Hitler without subtitles and he can't speak German, what do you think is wrong with him?
Me: Good point Mr. Duke. But uh, any thoughts on the slur discussion?
Dave: I like William's.
Rich: Me too.
Me: What? We're not voting on the best slur. Oy, I need another break. Let's take five.

Monday, March 26, 2007

Evil Leaders League Finals, Game 1

Just like when the NBA arbitrarily changed the first round of the playoffs to a best of 7 series, the ELL too has shifted its post season format for no good reason (except to give the Lakers an advantage). It will be a best of 3 series (first one to 2 wins), with a short turn-around in between contests. Omar al-Bashir of Sudan will face Kim Jong-Il of North Korea in the most exciting event since Georgetown made the Final Four a few short hours ago. You've been waiting for this the whole season... the "analysis" of today's "evil" leaders that Chalmers Johnson doesn't have "the" balls to give. Here is the result from Game 1 of the ELL Finals:

Kim vs al-Bashir
Overall, Kim Jong-Il's possession of nuclear weapons is good. The widespread starvation of his subjects is also a plus. But Kim didn't come to the Finals with his "A" game. The only news on Kim is that he can kiss his elbows, which means he's probably gay (if it was 1954). Egypt's Hosni Mubarak (who is wallowing in the doldrums of the Evil minor leagues) won't help the UN press Sudan on the genocide in Darfur, but al-Bashir wants to help with peace talks... in Uganda. While there's a 10% chance that al-Bashir is also gay, there is a 100% chance that'll he'll win Game 1 of the ELL Finals, because he has yet again diverted attention and action away from the genocide taking place within his borders. And Hu Jintao of China (another minor leaguer) keeps the money pouring into al-Bashir's pockets. A convincing evil victory in my book (and on my blog).
winner: al-Bashir
series: al-Bashir 1-0

Sunday, March 25, 2007

Elite 8 Recap

By George it's happened again! Last year, George Mason, my graduate school, shocked most of the nation to advance to the Final Four. This year Georgetown, the school mom teaches at, has made the Final Four after their third straight comeback win.

North Carolina held the lead over Georgetown for much of the game thanks to an overwhelming advantage at the free throw line. But Georgetown stayed confident. Whenever Roy Hibbert entered the game, the Hoyas seemed to click on offense. Unfortunately, he was in foul trouble for much of the game. With 25 seconds to go, Jonathan Wallace threw up a three that went in to tie the game. The Hoyas defense continued their stout ways on UNC final possession of regulation. In overtime, UNC did not score a point until there were only 7 seconds left in the game. It was an outstanding defensive display, and I'm quite happy.

Florida beat Oregon thanks to Lee Humphry's shooting. UCLA out-defended Kansas and Brandon Rush, who looks like the offspring of his brother Kareem and Paul Pierce. Memphis' Joey Dorsey claimed that he was actually the mighty Goliath and Ohio State's 7 foot star Greg Oden was the lowly David, before their contest. The someone reminded Dorsey that David won that fight. I guess that's what Memphis education gets you. And just like Goliath, Dorsey and Memphis lost.

I got the Final 4 completely correct, which sort of makes up for my earlier stumbles. But I still don't understand why CBS doesn't call it their "Ace Sunday Lineup." It's gold.

Goodbye The George Michael Sports Machine.

Saturday, March 24, 2007

Sweet 16 Recap

Heading into Thursday's games, I could have correctly predicted 6 out of the 8 possible games. I got 4 of those correct. All of my Final 4 teams are still in, which hasn't happened for me this late in the tournament for quite some time. But it's not a good feeling. The lack of upsets is unsettling. I knew it was coming too, but there's something in my DNA that doesn't allow me to be conservative or root for the favorite.

Thursday's games were exciting. Southern Illinois exhibited their excellent defense against Kansas. Unfortunately, a couple of calls went against them and a couple of balls didn't bounce their way. There was controversy at the end of the Memphis-Texas A&M game. With 3.1 seconds left, Texas A&M in bounded the ball and a Memphis player tipped it out of bounds. The clock continued to read 3.1 seconds. The referees eventually determined that 1.1 seconds ran off. Some believed that only a few tenths of a second should be subtracted because the ball bounced out of bounds immediately after being touched. Replays showed that the balled bounced out and then took a big bounce. But all of that is irrelevant. The whistle blew early and Texas A&M should have had more time to run the ball up and get a better shot on the last play of the game.

Ohio State impressively came back from down 20 to Tennessee. Greg Oden, who was in foul trouble for much of the game, closed the game out with a block. UCLA beat Pittsburgh. Friday saw Florida come back to beat Butler and Oregon hold off UNLV. UNC made a dramatic comeback against USC. USC coach Tim Floyd received a technical foul at the end of the game solidifying his team's fate. He's a moron. At least now he has more time to devote to defending O.J. Mayo.

Georgetown won in dramatic fashion. Down 1, with Roy Hibbert fouled out, Jeff Green was double teamed. The clock was fading fast. Green split the defense and banked home the winning shot. Seth Davis and Clark Kellogg called it a travel after the fact, because he lifted his stationary foot. It's not a travel unless that stationary foot comes back down, which it did not. Otherwise, every lay-up ever would be a travel. It's a shame that the so-called experts don't know the rules and worse that they have the power to tarnish a wonderful win for Georgetown. Hibbert and Green both had big second halves for the second straight game. The Hoyas can't get off to their customary slow start against the Tar Heels Sunday, and I don't believe they will.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

A Whole New World

On September 11, 2001 everything changed. It's been a different world since then. Here is a list proving that:

1) Hmm, well the cable news channels have that ticker on the bottom now.

2) Because of television, I've realized that I hate Muslims for some reason.

3) Oh! I can now locate the Iraq on a map, probably. Maybe not.

4) Um, ah. I think I might know the difference between Hindus and Muslims....

5) Well, at least I know that there is a difference between Hindus and Muslims, I think. Maybe not.

It's a whole new world!

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

The Fear of Color (and Jews)

Here is my conversation with prominent neo-nazis and various other bigots, both dead and alive.

I am alone in a conference room, pacing back and forth.
Robert Mathews enters.

Me: Hey there Mr. Mathews.
Rob: Shut up kike.
Me: Alright then. (Muttering) Nice sunglasses, Ray Charles.
Richard Butler enters.
Me: Mr. Butler, welcome.
Rich: Get away from me, devil. (Pointing at me) SATAN!
Me: Lovely meeting you too.
Rich: Hello Robert my white brother.
Bill Riccio arrives.
Me: Hi there Mr. Riccio. Riccio, is that Italian?
Bill: What the fuck did this kike just say to me? I'll cut out your insides and eat them.
Me: Looks like someone missed snack time.
William Pierce enters.
Me: And here's the author of the Turner Diaries himself, Mr. Pierce. How are you?
Will: Fuck you Jew.
Me: Well, at least your grammar's improved since you wrote the Diaries.
Will: Me think you shut-up.
Me: Well said.
Here comes Timothy McVeigh.
Me: Shalom Mr. McVeigh.
McVeigh walks by with no sign of acknowledgement.
In walks David Duke.

Me: Hello Mr. Duke.
Dave: Hello.
Me: Mr. Duke, you were the only one to shake my hand thus far. Why?
Dave: Well, I like to be polite to my mortal enemies to give them a sense of complicity.
Me: How cute. (Everyone sits down at the round table) I'm glad you all could make it. Some of you have come from very far away, depending on one's view of the afterlife, and I'd like to welcome you. I'm excited to engage in a dialogue with you.
Rich: (Stands up slowly but urgently) Shut up you vile beast! White Jesus hates you. You will never be human and you must be wiped off the face of the earth.
Me: Alrighty then. I appreciate your enthusiasm Mr. Butler. Now you can please be seated.
Richard Butler sits down as he mumbles "verses" from "the bible" that he probably just made up.
Me: (Turns to Robert Mathews) Mr. Mathews, where does your hatred for non-whites come from?
Rob: Comes from in here (points to his heart).
Me: I see.
Will: Can I say something here?
Me: Sure. Go ahead Mr. Pierce.
Will: I hate Jews. They control the government. They make things bad for white people. We should blow up the government, like the people in my books. But I'm not advocating blowing up the government.
Me: Ok. Mr. Pierce, you say that Jews control the government. I believe that is an erroneous accusation. What is your source?
Will: My books and my daddy.
Me: Clearly incontrovertable evidence right there.
George W. Bush saunters in.
Me: (Stands up to greet him) Mr. President, welcome.
George: (Shakes my hand) Howdy Beardy.
George Bush leaves.
Rob: Damn politicians.
Dave: Was that a crack at me, Mr. Sunglasses? You're indoors dumbass, take them off!
Rob: (Standing up, fists a'ready) You want some up this, sell out?
Me: Please guys, take your seats. This is not your homes. Let's have a civilized discussion here.
Bill: The piece of Jew-shit is right. We're white. We should be the pillars of civilization. We should represent the good humanity has to offer. Now, who wants to kill some Mexicans after this?
Me: Um, hmm. How about we take a five minute break.

Join us next time for: The Fear of Color (and Jews)

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Evil Leaders League, Semis 2nd Leg

The accumulative winners of the two legs of competition will face off in the finals. Let's check out the results from the 2nd leg:

Kim vs Ahmadinejad
While the world continues to be up in arms about Ahmadinejad's potential for having nuclear arms (ugh, terrible play on words), Kim Jong-Il actually has them. Fortunately his Elvis hairstyle clearly indicates that he is a stable man. It appears clear that, barring nuclear annihilation, Kim will eventually pass power to one of his children. The Kim, or Jong, or maybe Il, I don't know what gets passed down in Korean society, but whatever it is, that dynasty will continue. The announcement makes it less likely that Kim would use his nuclear weapons, but even possessing them for an evil leader is like a mouth for a hooker. It's enough to get the job done.

The aforementioned Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has been granted a visa to the US in order to speak at the UN. What the fuck? My friend's brother, from India, couldn't even get a visa to visit his parents and his sister in the US. Russia has given Ahmadinejad an ultimatum, you want our gas, how about no more enriching uranium. Ultimately, Ahmadinejad is a lot of hype, and not enough evil.
winner 2nd leg: Kim by 6
winner overall: Kim by 20

Chavez vs al-Bashir
Venezuela's Hugo Chavez (pronounced Oo-go Chavez) threatened his allies to either join his new socialist party or face the wrath of the "Dark Knight," Chavez's self-professed nickname. In other news, Chavez and Barbara Walters are quite fond of one another. That's not so evil, it's more like: Huh? Chavez has had a very good evil season, but I'm not writing my congressperson and senators about the atrocities occurring in his land, urging them to act. The same cannot be said for Omar al-Bashir of Sudan. In fairness to al-Bashir, he denies any government role in the violence in Darfur. Perhaps that's why he doesn't want any UN peacekeeping forces to stop the violence, or why he doesn't want any Sudanese to be tried in courts outside of Sudan, or why he signed a peace agreement with Chad assuring the Chadians the violence wouldn't cross the border. You know what, Omar al-Bashir of Sudan might be a liar. And what he's lying about is even more important than a blowjob.
winner 2nd leg: al-Bashir by 6
winner overall: al-Bashir by 2

special note: Poor Robert Mugabe. The Zimbabwean president had a rough year and will be relegated. After the season ends, Mugabe gets the hot hand, beating up his political opponents left and right. And then another left and a right, then two lefts, then a couple of kicks to the stomach. Well, buck up Robert, there's always the year after next.

Monday, March 19, 2007

NCAA Tournament, End of Round 2

Memphis beat Nevada. I watched as Kentucky hopelessly played against Kansas. I knew my fate was sealed. If Kansas won, I would have no chance of winning the pool. Sure enough my hopes ended at around 7:20 P.M. Eastern time.

During the Virginia Tech-SIU game, the announcer said, "We've had Bruce Pearl and Seth Greenberg back-to-back. Talk about two characters. It's like a night at the improv." I knew that was code for, "They are Jews." And, "Jews are funny and here to entertain us." It was that kind of day.

My bracket's not doing too bad, I just can't win. I decided to pick a conservative Final Four this year and all 4 teams are still in heading towards the Sweet 16. In fact, 6 of my 8 Elite 8 teams are still in, which is decent. But my downfall is that everyone else and their mother picked the same Final Four as me: Georgetown, Florida, UCLA, and Ohio State. I like it better when I go my own route. The two other potential Elite 8 teams I have left are USC and SIU. After 4 days of watching college basketball, it's nice to finally have a break. My eyes are appreciative too.

Sunday, March 18, 2007

NCAA Tournament, Day 3

The Georgetown game made me sweat a bit and it wasn't just from eating hot wings. Although the hot wings were solely responsible for the diarrhea. Roy Hibbert and Jeff Green stepped it up in the second half to defeat Boston College. In their first game Sommers was huge; today it was Jonathan Wallace. The Hoyas play Vanderbilt in the Sweet 16 on Friday.

The rest of the day was exciting. Maryland somehow lost, even though they are better than the 1992 Dream Team. And Mike Jones! Who? Mike Jones! He is so great; he almost caught that pass at the end of the game. Maryland was drastically overrated and Butler took them out. VCU gave Pittsburgh a scare. Down 19, the Rams came back and sent the game into overtime. The Panthers Fields missed two free throws at the end of regulation, but played well in the overtime.

Ohio State made a late surge to send their game against Xavier into overtime. With Greg Oden fouled out, Mike Conley took over the game in the extra period and the Buckeyes finished with more points. Texas A&M outlasted Louisville and UNC pulled away from Michigan State towards the end. UCLA appeared on their way to an easy victory until Indian stormed back, but came up short. That seems to be the theme of the tournament.

Coming into the day, I could win 6 out of 8. I won 5, losing Michigan State. Three of my Final 4 teams, Georgetown, UCLA, and Ohio State advanced and I lost none of my Elite 8 teams. All in all, a good day.

Saturday, March 17, 2007

NCAA Tournament, Day 2

Miami got out to a quick 9-0 lead against Oregon. The next 20 points were scored by the Ducks. Miami didn't put the ball through the basket for about 10 minutes of game play. But the RedHawks never quit. They managed to cut the lead and keep the game close through much of the second half. Towards the end of the game, Oregon jumped back to an 11-point lead thanks to Brooks. Miami scored the next 10 points. The Hawks were down 3 with just seconds to play. Bramos threw up a three and it hit the front iron and fell off. After two Oregon free throws, Bramos launched the ball from beyond halfcourt and it went in to cut the final deficit to two.

Miami controlled tempo through much of the game. They came back from two 11-point deficits. While it's a disappointing result, I'm proud of the fellas. Politz and Bramos are coming back next year and the team will hopefully be up at the ends of games next season.

Virginia was beating Albany handily. With about 17 minutes to go I decided to predict what number Virginia could stop at and still win the game. 59 came into my head. I decided Albany was going to score 58 and Virginia needed 59. I was wrong, Albany ended 57 points.

I finished the first round 23-9. On Day 2 I lost one Elite 8 team, Notre Dame. I have 4 Sweet 16 teams out. Not so good.

Friday, March 16, 2007

NCAA Tournament, Day 1

All in all this was a rather bland day as far as NCAA tournaments go. I went 12-4, losing with ODU, Texas Tech, GW, and BYU. I was pleased to see VCU pull it out over Duke. In fact, Duke and Greg Paulus played better than I anticipated. Even with exceeding expectations, Paulus still struggled against Eric Maynor's pressure. Hey, I saw him steal the CAA tourney from us, I know what he can do.

Georgetown played well after a shaky start and I feel good about that. ODU's loss cost me a Sweet 16 team. So did George Washington. I was disappointed with GW's play. They just didn't have it, but I'm a big fan of Karl Hobbs and I know he'll guide his team back in the future.

James Brown announced the games in Sacramento with Len Elmore. I like James Brown a lot, but I don't know what it was today. Between his annoying moan whenever Len Elmore made a good point and the difference in their manner of speaking, he just wasn't working for me today. James Brown announces a game in a choppy rapid fire manner, while Len Elmore has a calm smoother speaking style. Len Elmore is the best analyst in the business. Hopefully Day 2's games will be more entertaining and prove me smart.

Thursday, March 15, 2007

NCAA Tournament Predictions

The last two years I've done two brackets. One with my head, the other with my heart. Here's the Final Four for the heart one: Miami over Kansas, Georgetown over Nevada; Miami over Georgetown.

Now, here is my true bracket. I'll mention the upsets from each round:
1st Round
12 Old Dominion over 5 Butler
I was able to watch Butler a few times this year and they weren't terribly impressive. The win over Gonzaga was big, it was also in November. Their losses to SIU and Wright State stand out in my mind. ODU is a tested team, who has played with the best of the "mid-majors."

14 Miami over 3 Oregon
My heart might be doing the talking here, but Miami matches up well with Oregon's 4 guard lineup. If Miami can control the tempo, the Ducks won't be able to guard Politz and Peavy.

9 Villanova over 8 Kentucky
I like freshman Scottie Reynolds for Nova, but its their experienced players that give me confidence in this pick, particularly Sumpter. Whether Kentucky wins or not, Tubby Smith has done a great job and he should stay put.

11 VCU over 6 Duke
I don't believe that Duke's guards will be able to handle VCU's pressure. Point guard Maynor is big conference player. If Duke can beat the press, VCU will struggle to stop their low post game, but that's a big "if."

9 Michigan State over 8 Marquette
As much as I dislike Neitzel, Marquette's weak free throw shooting concerns me. And now their leading scorer is out.

11 George Washington over 6 Vanderbilt
The Colonials' coach Hobbs is good. I have faith in GW veterans Elliot and Rice.

10 Texas Tech over 7 Boston College
This is another case of the ACC being overrated. BC has been struggling the second half of the year.

12 Long Beach State over 5 Tennessee
It's hard for me to go against Bruce "The Schvitzer" Pearl, but I watched the up tempo style of Long Beach State, whose top 8 players are all seniors.

Thrilling 32
12 Old Dominion over 4 Maryland
Maryland is overrated and Old Dominion is good enough to beat them. After all, they've already beaten Georgetown.

9 Villanova over 1 Kansas
Kansas is very talented, but they haven't won a game in the tournament in three years. I don't think this year's version has the consistency to go very far and Villanova is also a talented team. But the are more experienced.

9 Michigan State over 1 North Carolina
UNC doesn't have the toughness to beat this Big 10 team. Hansbrough is the most overrated player in the country. If he doesn't play up to the hype, the Tar Heels will be upset here.

5 USC over 4 Texas
Durant is great, but he can score an unimpressive 37 points and Texas can lose. He will get his, but he is not yet the type of player who can put his club on his shoulders and win. Texas relies on freshmen other than Durant as well. Despite USC's blowout loss in the Pac 10 Final, they have 3 guys who can potentially have big games.

11 George Washington over 3 Washington State
GW has more tournament experience than State. State struggled in their win over UW in the Pac 10 tournament and then lost the next game. Their coach hasn't been there before.

7 Nevada over 2 Memphis
Both are quite good. I'm shocked that Memphis was rated so high and Nevada so low, considering that they're both essentially outstanding "mid-major" schools. The chip on Nevada's shoulder and the Fazekas-Kemp combo will pull this one out.

Sweet 16
6 Notre Dame over 2 Wisconsin
Carter's ability to score makes me like the Irish. Wisconsin lost big man Butch for the year. That'll hurt.

7 Nevada over 3 Texas A&M
I like Acie Law IV better than the first 3 versions, at least for this tournament. But between Fazekas and Kavaliauskas, I like Fazekas and Nevada.

Elite 8 (all games)
1 Florida over 6 Notre Dame
The Gators are the defending champs and are just too good for the Irish, even though Noah is the worst dancer even. Is he a worse dancer than he is ugly? That's the real question.

2 UCLA over 4 Southern Illinois
UCLA is too athletic and there are too many of 'em for Falker the Salukis to overcome.

2 Georgetown over 5 USC
USC can't stop the Hoyas' big men. The Hoyas' guards are underrated too.

1 Ohio State over 7 Nevada
Sure Oden will be an NBA star, but point guard Conley is real good.

Final Four
Florida over UCLA
Goergetown over Ohio State

Georgetown over Florida

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Geharget Zolstu Veren Goyim!

I hate (white) gentiles. I want to kill them all.

Oh, if they come for you, I'd hide you at first. You'd go in the basement. But I'd only do it until they announced that the penalty for hiding you is death. Then I'd kick you out of my house. But I wouldn't reveal your identity, as long as I can schtoop your shiksa. I like me some shiksa tail. The blonder the better.

If some of you survive, I'd wait until the moment you gain a little success and then accuse you of running the banking system, starting all the wars in the world, and general global domination. Let's see how you like it.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Evil Leaders League, Semis 1st Leg

The playoffs will consist of two legs in each round, best aggregate score wins, as is the case with the UEFA tournament. Many American fans of the ELL may not be familiar with this format. To my fellow Americans, it's time to engage with the rest of the world and occasionally turn the channel away from NASCAR. I will say that Tony Stewart is to NASCAR as Pete Weber is to bowling, and they both are like what Horace Fellatio is to billiards. Here are the results from leg 1 of the semifinals.

Ahmadinejad vs Kim
Iran's president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad doesn't even have real power in his own land, the Ayatollah does, in addition to being unpopular at home. The occasional nuclear threat from his mouth has the world up in arms. Now he has decided to engage with the UN and Europe. Dude, it's hard to call you evil when you are all acting political and shit. Simply spouting anti-Semitic remarks won't get it done in this league. I mean, even Ariel Sharon was known to tell a Jewish wife joke or 2... many (I mean enough already Ariel, we get it, Jewish women like to gossip). Let's see some action. Meanwhile, Kim Jong-Il actually has nuclear weapons. And Kim isn't going anywhere. The upper class of North Korea (all 8 of them) believe that their swanky status is based solely on Kim sustaining power. The home of Kim's son in Macau was recently robbed. The culprit? You guessed it, Frank Stallone and... Kim Jong-Il!
winner: Kim by 14

al-Bashir vs Chavez
Sudan's Omar al-Bashir reluctantly allowed a limited UN force into Darfur, where genocide is occurring. Listen dumbass, Hitler didn't allowed no fucking UN to the concentration camps. What kind of sloppy genocide are you running here? Hugo Chavez from Venezuela wants Latin America to unify on an anti-American stance. Points for that. He has been shadowing George Bush on the latter's Latin America trip. I wish a sexy broad would shadow me like Chavez does Bush. In fact, that's my new pick-up line, "Hey baby, wanna be Chavez to my Bush." Hasn't worked... yet. Or ever. If I was a woman and Chavez was a euphemism for penis, it might work. He also said that, "Bush should get the gold medal for hypocrisy." He gets points for crazy, but loses points because that would only increase America's medal count in the Olympics, putting Venezuela even further behind.
winner: Chavez by 4

Monday, March 12, 2007

Jew Goes to Church

I went to my first real Christian service yesterday in the form of a Catholic mass. I've been to an Ash Wednesday service at the chapel at my liberal arts school. It was a bad experience because the service included some of my fellow students reading anti-Semitic things from the bible. The Goucher College religious professor (the white one) running the service tried to explain in one sentence at the end of the service, "Our class is studying anti-Semitism in the bible." Then either don't open it to the public or leave out the anti-Semitism. But it didn't impact my impressions of Christianity. I will now interview myself about this latest experience because I have no friends.

Q: Did you feel comfortable in church?
A: I'm usually not so comfortable in any religious setting, but I was not more uncomfortable in church.

Q: Would you say that it struck down any fearful illusions you may have had about what is said in a church, but at the same time you didn't really connect with what was being said?
A: Yes.

Q: Did the priest have a Jewish cadence?
A: Yes.

Q: What was his sermon about?
A: Change.

Q: Change in what capacity?
A: I have no idea.

Q: Remember when the nun had to climb over you to receive communion, was that embarrassing?
A: Yes.

Q: Aesthetically speaking, was the church more bare than churches in east and central Europe?
A: Yes.

Q: How was church similar to synagogue?
A: The format was similar, singing-sermon-singing. The set-up was similar, the leader was in front with all the followers sitting facing him. There was a story about Moses.

Q: How was church similar to a mosque?
A: The kneeling. Also shaking everyone's hand around you and saying, "Peace be with you."

Q: Did these similarities teach you anything?
A: Yes.

Q: Yeah and what was that asshole?
A: It taught me that the religious services of Jews, Christians, and Muslims are generally very similar, each with its own unique quirks.

Q: What was the overall lesson that you learned from attending Catholic mass?
A: Catholics are just like you and me... and all of us are horrible people. Repent!

Sunday, March 11, 2007

Reaction to Men's NCAA Tourny Seeds

It's time to dust off the ole Circumcised Penis Index (CPI) to determine how the committee faired.
Should be in
I'm glad that a number of pundits agree that Drexel should have made it in. The committee claimed that sure, the Dragons played and won a number of non-conference road games, but they didn't take care of business in their conference. They were 13-5 in a confernce with VCU, ODU, and a Final Four team from last year, George Mason. The committee said that reasonable minds can differ, and they can, but unreasonable minds can leave Drexel out of the tournament.
Jim Boeheim convinced me that Syracuse belongs in as well. They were 10-6 in the Big East playing the top teams that conference has to offer. This belief is not influenced by the fact that the left nostril of a college professor of mine reminded me of Jim Boeheim.
Air Force was ranked for almost the entire season and beat some teams that just made it in.
Should be out
Arkansas was 7-9 in the SEC. That is bad. I would argue it is worse than 10-6 in the Big East and 13-5 in the Colonial, and you know what, I would win that argument. Their schedule was ranked 15 toughest (sarcastic clapping), that's great, but try winning some more of those tough contests. Making the SEC tournament final shouldn't be enough to get in.
I remember when Illinois was good and deserved to be in. They didn't win the tough games that they played this year. And I'm really starting to dislike their Amerindian-bashing. I know I need to kick out one more team to make it even, but nobody's paying me for this shit. Eh, how 'bout Stanford. Five big wins, but 12 losses.
Amerindians at Illinois
These teams were treated unfairly. Nevada lost 5 games all year. Other teams of similar ilk (SIU, Butler) got better seeds. Nevada was ranked in the top 10 for much of the year and got a 7 seed. Notre Dame got a 6, which is not a tragedy, but I'll take this time to mention that the Big East was vastly undervalued. Each team was slightly downgraded, but overall the Big East were the Orangemen and Redmen of college basketball. Wright State, named after either the innovative flying brothers or the former San Francisco 49er defensive back (where's my fact checker when I need her), won the Horizon League over Butler. Not just the fluky tournament, they won the regular season too!
Provided sexual favors
Maryland got a 4 seed. Even Maryland alum were anticipating a 6 seed and were ready to be quite pleased. Looks like losing to the worst team in the conference twice helped. Virginia Tech's 5 seed is not as outrageous as Maryland's 4, but the ACC was overrated at the expense of the Big East. Purdue should not be 3 spots better than Illinois (who shouldn't have been in). Vanderbilt got the same seed as the number 2 team in the Big East, Louisville. It pains me to dog a "mid-major" but Butler is a bit too high; move Nevada up instead. Memphis was essentially a "mid-major" conference winner and somehow got a 2 seed.
The pundits
I'm sure Winthrop is a lovely school with lovely people associated with it. But they ain't George Mason. There's only one George Mason and that's George Mason. Every pundit needs to shut-the-hell up and stop acting like you didn't publicly humiliate us at Mason before the tournament started last year. Jay Bilas pulls the same shit every year. He admittedly ignores the RPI in favor of strength of schedule which is determined by... duh, RPI moron! Digger Phelps believe Kansas State should be in because the beat Texas Tech and Texas Tech beat somebody in the tournament. He's clueless. And how come zero pundits are willing to put their balls on the line and actually pick a Final Four sleeper?
My favorite teams
Georgetown got a 2 and will face Belmont. Hopefully the Hoyas can win that derby. Sorry. Miami got a 14 and plays Oregon. The seed is a bit disappointing and Oregon is very talented, but maybe the clash of styles works in the Redhawks favor.

Saturday, March 10, 2007

One of Those Days

Today was a good day. The Miami Redhawks were down by 2 points with 6.6 seconds to play against Akron. My brother, a Miami alum, didn't get to watch the game, but a friend fed him the play-by-play at the end of the game. I can imagine how that went, "Middleton missed the free throw. We got the ball. Up to Penno, who shoots for three. WHAAAOHMYGAWD-WEWONYESYESWEWONYESYESITSOVERWEWONWEAREDANCING-BIGDANCEBABYYEEEEAAAAHH!"

For the layperson, who doesn't speak Ecstatic-fan, Penno banked home a winning three-point shot that sent Miami to the NCAA Tournament. As it turned out, the clock started late on the rebound. Penno got his shot off with well over a second to go in the game and the ball went through the net with triple zeros showing on the clock. To anyone who has half-a brain it seemed clear: the timekeeper messed up a bit, but thankfully it didn't matter. You can't act as if the clock started on time, because Miami would have shot the ball earlier.

But that's not how the MAC works. They don't use logic. Instead, they inexplicably added 0.6 seconds on the clock to give Akron a chance. After the game, Akron's coach Keith "Crybaby" Dambrot showed little class, though his team caught a bit of a break. His whining takes away from the good play of Wood and Travis. The entire episode takes away from Tim Politz's amazing tournament. Miami's probably going to get anywhere from an 11-13 seed.

Georgetown beat Pittsburgh easily. I still believe that the Hoyas deserve a #1 seed, but a #2 is probably in order. While the Hoyas were winning on the Knicks home court, the Knicks beat the Wizards on Georgetown's floor, thanks to a Steve Francis buzzer-beating three. I didn't realize the Blair High School grad was still alive.

In the name of sentimental underdogs, here's hoping Sidney Lowe and his NC State Wolfpack can win one more. Old Dominion and Drexel are looking better as at large bids. Now the committee needs to come through.

Friday, March 09, 2007

Championship Week Update

The Wake Forest-Georgia Tech game just ended. Wake won 114-112 in 2 OT. It was the second double overtime game I witnessed tonight. This one was quite exciting as the score indicates. Wake's Harvey Hale had 1 point when the first overtime started and ended with 22. I like freshmen point guard Ishmael Smith. Other freshmen I like are Scottie Reynolds from Villanova, and the two big guys Kevin Durant and Greg Oden. But this game was crazy; it took so long. The announcer Steve Martin mentioned that it became Saturday morning and then suddenly 2010. The game was so long babies were born, students graduated, and I trimmed my pubes several times.

I watched a ton of college basketball today and haven't really been able to process it. Washington and Washington State are still playing right now. But I think the CAA and MVC should start their tournaments later in Championship Week.

I wonder if Billy Packer watched any games between 2 "mid-major" teams this year. No Billy, Duke doesn't count. No, Indiana doesn't either. That's what makes Dick Vitale so good, he can tell you something about every Division I team in the country. I also like Bill Raftery, Hubert Davis, Stephen Bardo, and of course, Len Elmore.

Thursday, March 08, 2007

Kuwait Wants You

I was wondering what the impact of the Iraq war had on the Kuwaiti Tourist Board's advertising department.

Part of a meeting in February 2002:
"Man, this is taking forever."
"What about: Don't Wait, Come to Kuwait?"
"Ugh no. That sucks."

The entire meeting in March 2007:
"So I think it's time to try to convince tourists to come back to Kuwait. Any ideas for slogans?"
"Kuwait- Not As Close to the Violence in Iraq as You Might Think."
Everyone in unison, "Love it."

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

My Men's College Basketball Teams

Georgetown - The Hoyas are the hometown team and mom teaches at the medical school. if they win the Big East Tournament they should get a #1 seed in the East in the big tournament. Got it? Center Roy Hibbard has something no other player from a contending school has: a 7'2" stature. Throw in the all-around expertise and experience of 6'9" forward Jeff Green, the good play of Jonathan Wallace, and the bench led by the energetic Patrick Ewing Jr. and the Hoyas are my choice for champ.

George Mason - My grad school. The Patriots followed their Final Four trip its worst season in a decade. Gabe Norwood was the only senior who got playing time. He was a nice role player, but it was far from the three senior leaders of last year. Next year Folarin Campbell, Will Thomas, and Monroe will be seniors and the team's record will be much better than 18-15. Jordan Carter and Dre Smith will probably be starters from the beginning and GMU should get off to a good start. Mason will probably get an NIT bid this year.

Miami (OH) - My brother's school. Still could win the MAC tournament. I didn't get to watch the Red Hawks this year, but it seems Charley Coles recruits these very athletic guys and then squanders the strength of their game by playing this slow-down offense. Peavy had a good year from what I understand. I'm just thankful that my brother graduated and I never have to drive down windy Route 27 fearing for my life that one of the local yokels from Hamilton with their red Klan candles in their windows will, well... you know.

Goucher - My college. The Division III Gophers struggled this season. At least it was better than last year. When 7-18 is an improvement, it might be time for a change at coach.

In other news:
The CAA should at least be a 2-bid league. Not only was it a Final Four conference last year, but ODU and Drexel deserve to make it this year. Both have good records which result in good RPIs. ODU beat Georgetown at Georgetown. Drexel has 14 true road wins and has beaten some tournament teams as well.

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Evil Leaders League, Week 7

The last week of the regular season. The top 4 make the playoffs, the bottom 3 face relegation. Here are the results:

Castro vs Mugabe
Cuba's former authoritarian Fidel Castro talked on the radio last week. No word if he was simply talking out of his artificial ass. Zimbabwe President Robert Mugabe must be Jewish because things keep going badly for him. The country is now forever linked with the Weimar Republic of Germany for the extent of its hyperinflation. Analysts are looking toward 2008 for hope. Why 2008? Because that's the proposed year for Mugabe's ouster after 27 years in power. But he still is in power.
winner: Mugabe

Ahmadinejad vs Chavez
The matchup of the week. Iran's Mahmoud Ahmadinejad continues to be America's Boogeyman. Presidential pretender Joe Biden called Ahmadinejad a madman, specifically saying, "that wacko guy, the crazy president," just because he showers 5 times a day. I say he's a germophobe, not a wacko. In between showers, Ahmadinejad witnessed his budget proposal approved by Iran's parliament. Though it passed, MP's in Iran criticized the plan. Parliament? Critical MPs? Freedom of speech? Looks bad. Hugo Chavez of Venezuela says that the CIA is out to kill him. Crazy evil stuff right there. He also wants the country's leftist parties to join his own. They're not so keen on the one party deal. Chavez will have them yet, most likely.
winner: Chavez

al-Bashir vs Hussein
Omar al-Bashir, the president of Sudan, won't hand over Sudanese citizens for trials outside of the country. Omar al-Bashir, who the fuck is you? Evidently, he's still got enough clout to talk a little shit. Talking or shitting, two things Saddam Hussein hasn't done lately; he's dead.
winner: al-Bashir

Lukashenko vs Kim
A Russian ultra-rightist group Movement Against Illegal Aliens wants Alexander Lukashenko to be Russia's president in 2008. The only problem is that the duties of being Russia's president might interfere with his current job, president of Belarus. But that's a big piece of evil pie right there. Lukashenko has been scrounging for money to help his financially fledgling country. So he met with leaders from UAE. Good stuff. North Korea's Kim Jong-Il has been getting money from the United Nation's Development Program. He also partied at the Chinese embassy in Pyongyang. But no one wants Kim to be president of Russia, Nepal, or any other country. Probably not even North Korea.
winner: Lukashenko

Kim J-I 5-2
Chavez 5-2
Ahmad 5-2
al-Bash 5-2
Lukash 4-3
Mugabe 3-4
Castro 1-6
Hussein 0-7

Monday, March 05, 2007

Late Night Runs

It was late at night. Jon was watching David Steinberg and his disturbing left pinky finger on the television when Jon began to sweat. Pain rushed through his body like a crowd into a Walmart on the day after Thanksgiving.

Jon had a fever. He felt like vomiting. He had diarrhea. Both urges needed to be solved urgently. He wasn't sure which to choose first. He had to make a Sophie's Choice.

After the situation was resolved, Jon went to purchase some Nyquil from the store. On his way, he realized that he needed gas. He stopped and a kindly old man waddled up to Jon’s car slowly. The man calmly filled the tank of Jon's Honda. As he handed Jon the receipt, the man said, "Have a good trip and try to stay awake." Jon smiled and drove off.

While he drove home, he had an idea. 'I'll try to make a story from three unrelated incidents that I want to share. That'll be interesting.' After he got home, he wrote the story and realized that he was wrong; it was uninteresting and pointless.

Friday, March 02, 2007

All You Need to Know About Whites Ferry

Here is all you need to know about Whites Ferry and more:
  • At Whites Ferry, there is a ferry that takes your car across the Potomac River from Virginia to Maryland or vice versa.
  • Whites Ferry is off Route 655 in Virginia.
  • I didn't realize you had to pay like fucking 4 dollars to cross.
  • In fact, I didn't even realize it wasn't a bridge when I looked at it on a map.
  • I looked at Google maps, not the one below that says, "operating toll ferry."
  • Google maps didn't say any of these words: "operating... toll... ferry."
  • There's a spot where you can turn around- if you didn't realize you'd have to pay fucking 4 dollars- just before you reach the ferry.
  • Why would I pay $4 when I can just stay on Route 15 for 10 more mintues and take the free bridge?
  • I'd like to personally thank the schmuck who got into an accident on the beltway jamming traffic from Braddock Road to past the American Legion bridge.
  • Whites Ferry was named after former Supreme Court Justice and NFL player Byron White, who was from Colorado.
  • Whites Ferry is far enough away from civilization to make a Jew nervous.

Thursday, March 01, 2007

Broken Promise for Lent

Yesterday, I said, "Emmanuel Lewis is fat as shit." I immediately realized that I had made a mistake. I felt so bad. I looked at my brother in horror. It just slipped out. I didn't know what to do. For Lent I had decided to give up "fat jokes."

I asked my Catholic friend Mike what I could do to repent. I told him I wanted to perform some Hail Marys, but couldn't find a friend or a football. Evidently, I have a lot to learn about Catholicism. Mike told me that I should acknowledge my mistake to G-d and pledge to do better. That's exactly what I've done. I am sincere in my commitment to keep my promise for Lent. I'm hoping that giving up "fat jokes" for Lent will accomplish two things for me: 1) In the future I will limit the number of fat jokes I say because they can be hurtful. 2) I will make sure the fat jokes I do make will be witty enough to warrant the hurt they may cause.