Thursday, July 29, 2010

The Forgotten Persecuted

It's funny. I was just thinking the other day: You know who isn't persecuted enough? The gypsies.

Well played, Nicolas Sarkozy.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

The Truth Behind Strasburg's Benching

I've obtained a transcript from a secret meeting the Nats management held before last night's game. It reads in part, "I heard the owner and propreter of the HarazQuack Times will be at the game tonight. I know a great way to fuck with him. Let's sit Strasburg, start Miguel Batista, and make up some bullshit that Strasburg couldn't get loose during warm ups. If we don't, he might write something satirical about Strasburg and we can't have that."

Miguel Batista ended up pitching a Strasburg-like game. In five innings, he didn't give up a run and struck out six. On getting booed when he was introduced before the game instead of Strasburg, Miguel Batista said, "Imagine if you go there to see Miss Universe and you end up having Miss Iowa. You might get those kind of boos."

ZING! Take that Miss Iowa!!

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

The Campaign to Get Pretty Jewish Girls to Move to Maryland

To the neo-nazis who defaced an Olney, Maryland synagogue with anti-Semitic graffiti:

Listen fuckfaces, I'm trying to convince all the pretty Jewish girls to move down to Maryland and your anti-Jewish vandalism isn't helping things. Why don't you do something more constructive, like learn to read or grow some hair. Do you know how hard it is to get pretty Jewish girls to come to Maryland in the first place? There's not a lot of good deli and not exactly a plethora of eligible Jewish bachelors in the area (though they do exist). We don't need any setbacks.

Monday, July 26, 2010

Fight Club

"Let's welcome out newest member, George. Now George, you must remember the first rule of Fight Club. Never mention Fight Club."

"What's the second rule of Fight Club?"
"Dammit Dan, you just broke the first rule of Fight Club. You do that every time we have a new member. Frankly, I'm sick of your behavior. You never contribute to the after-fight party. Where are the Ring Dings, Dan? Do you see any Ring Dings? I have you down for Ring Dings, but there are no Ring Dings, are there Dan? There are never any Ring Dings. I don't even know what a Ring Ding is, because you never bring them."

"And I've never seen you in a fight. You always find some excuse to get out of fighting. All you do is take pictures, which I'm pretty sure is against the rules, and I know will come back to haunt us. It's fucking unacceptable, Dan."
"What is?"
"All of it, Dan. I motion to propose a vote to remove Dan's membership. Who seconds it?"

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Big Foot Sighting

I opened the door to my apartment complex and saw the biggest being my corneas have ever taken part in processing. He stood one flight above me, but it looked as if he were several more. He waved for me to come up, but I waved more insistently for him to come down first, as there would be no way that we could share the staircase at the same time even though I'm a tiny man.

He came down the stairs and asked, "Do you live here?" Standing on the same ground, he appeared even larger than before. He must have been 8'2" if he was an inch. I'd estimate he weighed 500 pounds of sheer muscle. "Yes." He continued, "Did you hear anything at 4 or 5 am last night? Like a loud noise." I had to admit that I hadn't. "Someone kicked in the door of my girl's apartment. They completely destroyed the frame."

"Shit," was my astonished reply, partly because I couldn't believe someone did that and partly because I now knew I was on trial. "I know the guy across the hall threw a party. He seemed afraid to talk to me," I attempted to stifle a chuckle when he said that, "He said he was really drunk and doesn't remember what happened."

"That must be what it was," I concluded, my head in a full tilt in order to look him in the eye. "Someone from that party must've been really drunk and not realized what they were doing. I was out; I have to wake up in the mornings. I didn't hear anything." After an awkward pause, I saw an opening to leave the mass of a man. "If I hear anything, I'll let you know." He smiled. "Alright, cool. Thanks, man."

I floated up two flights of stairs to my apartment. I don't remember opening the door. I do remember going into my room, taking off all of my clothes, curling up in the fetal position, and crying for the next 45 minutes...

And I really didn't kick in his girl's door.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Two Cents Costs a Dollar

This is the first dollar I got today man.
Really? Wow. I've made a lot more than that today.
This is my 34th day without crack.
Congratulations. Sometimes I have to take valium before I go to the dentist. But it's been a couple of years since I've had to do that.
My daughter's name is Kayla. I have her name tattooed on my neck. I haven't seen her in three years. I love her.
Yeah, I haven't seen my family in a little while either. I saw them four days ago. My mother had the nerve to come back at 8 when she said she'd be back by 6.
I nearly lost custody of her. I'm so grateful I didn't.
I don't really like custard.
I've been homeless for three years.
I just moved back up here last month.
Things are going to be better for me. I'm on the right track now.
That's great. As for me, I need to find a toilet. That Chinese buffet isn't sitting right.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Good Day or Bad?

In my class today, more students stuck their head in the toilet (3) than cried (2). I can't decide whether that means Iit was a good day or not. At least, I only made one of the students cry.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Studying Sarah Palin

I have to admit. I'm fascinated by the way Sarah Palin talks. To some degree, I can relate. I'm far from the most eloquent talking guy. I find myself searching for words that I think sound smart and fit in my sentences. Often times, I get lucky. Sometimes, I'm wrong.

Sarah Palin suffers from the same speaking issues that I do. Recently, she said Muslims should refudiate the proposed mosque planned for the former site of the twin towers. Refudiate, of course, is not a word. She then attempted to clarify by substituting in the word refute, which is a real word, but wasn't the one she was looking for. Repudiate probably would've worked better in that particular situation. Why Muslims should refudiate, refute, or reputiate the proposed mosque, I have no idea.

More than her making up words, I'm fascinated by her ability to throw phrases together in a sentence like a chef does vegetables in a gumbo. And just like that gumbo, you're often left with little idea of what you just digested. I'd love to follow Sarah Palin around (not in a creepy way (well, maybe just a little creepy)), and study her speech patterns. I'd love to study her mind. I want to know why she chooses a particular word when a far more obvious choice exists.

And yes, this is what I think about all day.

Sunday, July 18, 2010


It was hot yesterday. So hot in fact, I decided to go for a run without a shirt. Very early into the run, I felt several light taps against my chest. I was thoroughly confused. It took a few moments for me to realize what was happening. A wasp was caught in my chest hair.

There are moments that make me realize, "Damn, I'm really short." This was one of those moments that made me realize, "Damn, I'm really hairy."

Saturday, July 17, 2010

An Emotional Goodbye

This is a very emotional time for me right now. I recently got a new basketball for the first time in about 15 years. I just want to say to Betty Sue, thanks for the memories. Thanks for all of those cold nights where I froze my ass off because I couldn't go inside until I made a certain amount of shots. Thanks for the hot summer days where I burned to a crisp because I couldn't go inside until I made a certain amount of shots. Betty Sue, you're coated in my blood, sweat, tears, and a little bit of urine. You are a part of me, and me you. I just wanted to say one last time: Thank you.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Complimenting My Game

Today, I realized that it doesn't take much for me to instantaneously fall in love. A couple of compliments on my jump shot and I'm more smitten than teenage girls with effete pop singers. She could be a murderer and an adulterer, but if she says my array of shots is Steve Nash-like, I'll fall head-over-heels.

I guess that's not a very smart thing to admit publically. I'm opening up myself to some shady manipulative female. "Hey big boy, you pass like Bob Cousy." And the next thing I know, I'm tied up in some strange apartment, stark naked, stripped of my clothes, money, and dignity.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Update on Hellgate

I tell my student, "Listen, we're different. You're Korean and I'm Jewish. So what. I still like you." My student responds, "I like you, too... but you're going to hell."

The good news is, later in the day, I accused him of cheating and made him cry.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Jews Going to Hell?

Today, a young student of mine told me, "You're going to hell because you're Jewish." Another student tried to defend me by saying, "He's only half-Jewish and half-American," as if they were mutually exclusive.

The first student told me to "Go back to Israel," which will be difficult as I've never been there. The student recently came from Korea. Other Korean students gave him a weird look and then told him to go back to Korea.

When he left, I called out to him, "See you tomorrow." He said, I don't think I'll be back... because you're Jewish."

I've known this student for almost a year. He's a good kid. I asked him why all of the sudden he's saying things like this. After all, it was a couple of months ago that he became a Yuri Foreman fan because of me. I asked if they were saying these things in church. He said they were.

It doesn't do anything to dispel my impression that somewhere in the neighborhood of 80% of Christians believe Jews are going to hell. I remember a story where South Korean missionaries were held hostage by the Taliban in Afghanistan because they were trying to convert people to Christianity. At least some Koreans take that whole Christianity shit pretty seriously.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Nats at the Break

The Nats bats have continued to be lively. At 39-50, the Nats probably won't finish the year as the worst team in the majors again. But contention is a ways away. The problem is defense and pitching.

Stephen Strasburg has brought a great deal of attention to the Nats this season. He's made the Nats relevant. Livan Hernandez has also pitched well; his E.R.A. is below 4. But the rest of the starters have been inconsistent at best. The bullpen hasn’t been as atrocious as in the past, but reliability remains elusive. Matt Caps's 23 saves and Drew Storen's admirable rookie performance are the only other bright spots for the Nats on the mound.

Adam Dunn has been on a HR tear of late. He has 22 and is hitting an impressively surprising .288 average with 59 RBIs. Ryan Zimmerman is at .294, 16 HRs, and 48 RBIs. Josh Willingham is hitting .281 with 15 HRs and 46 RBIs. The Nats have a legitimate middle of the order. But no Nat regular is hitting .300 or better. So even the best side, the Nats are rather weak. The bench is virtually an automatic out.

Defensively, the Nats are the worst in the league. Ivan Rodriguez has been a pillar behind the plate. But, as bad as Ian Desmond and Adam Kennedy have been with the glove, Cristian Guzman is worse. Desmond's astronomical error total is somewhat forgivable because he makes the outstanding play. Nyjer Morgan hasn't shown the leadership he exhibited last season. His defense has been poor in comparison to 2009. Zimmerman is still great at 3rd, but Dunn is a novice at first. Willingham is in left for his bat. Roger Bernadina has been solid in right and at the plate, but more is needed considering his teammates.

Until the Nats improve defensively and on the mound, the playoffs will only come in a dream. The Nats bats do not make up for the awful defense. Having a bunch of guys who hit .220 but can actually catch and accurately throw a baseball would serve the Nats better at this point.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

World Cup Spill

The World Cup final between the Netherlands and Spain showed the bad side of soccer. At times it can be a great sport. I even want to follow it. But then there are games like this one that make me glad I'm American and don't care.

Soccer players are perceived as theatrical and flamboyant. Sure, NBA players flop, but they don't roll around on the ground after being touched (except for Paul Pierce). The final was deemed "physical." It's a ridiculous characterization. Players hit the ground and rolled like the stadium was on fire. There was very little physicality and a lot of acting.

There were very few chances. One of the rare opportunities to score occurred when the Netherlands simply tried to give the ball back to Spain in a sporting manner. The Spanish goalie had to make the save. And who is David Villa kidding. There are tens of millions of Davids in the world, why does he get to change the pronunciation?

Rarely do I even get bored in life, but conservative offense and tons of diving do not an interesting soccer match make.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

LeBron Criticism Unfair

My heart wanted him to go to New York. My head wanted him to stay in Cleveland. Perhaps only my taint wanted him to go to that sweaty cesspool known as Miami.

LeBron James's move to Miami tells us a lot about him. But it doesn't tell us that he's a heartless monster. It doesn't tell us that he's a sellout. It doesn't tell us that he's selfish.

With LeBron James leaving Cleveland, it has been said that the immediate area surrounding the arena will lose millions of dollars per year. Jobs will be lost. Somehow, LeBron is being blamed for that. The finger should be pointed directly at the lousy Cleveland fans, who only back a winner. Look at the Indians; they're doing terrible at the gate because they're doing terrible in the win column. No one knew better than Art Modell how fickle the Cleveland fan is. LeBron was even booed in the conference semis. Don't cry for Cleveland.

His move to Miami tells us that LeBron doesn't want to be the backbone of a city. He doesn't want the pressure of having to stack up against Kobe. He wants to win. You can call him chicken or humble, depending on your opinion of him. LeBron wants to play with good players. He doesn't want to shoulder it all alone. He isn't in it only for the money. He isn't in it only for his ego either.

The above attributes can be construed as negative or positive- though there's probably a lot of gray- but the defamation he has endured since his announcement has been unfair. I'm not sure the trio of LeBron, Wade, and Bosh will work, but it's a far more interesting topic that merely villainizing LeBron James.

Wednesday, July 07, 2010

Coming Out of Her Shell

The cutest little 7 year old girl, who is extremely shy, had an essay to write. The question involved what she would do if she were temporarily invisible. Her entire essay reads:

"I will be invisible for a day. I will rob a bank. Then I will steel icecream and give it to a hobo."

She's like a politically incorrect Robin Hood.

Later, I announce to the class that there will be no writing left-handed in my room.

The same little girl decides this is the perfect moment to stand up in front of everyone and declare that she wipes her ass with her left hand.

Everyone in the room is laughing. The little girl is not embarrassed. She's trying to convince us that it's not a joke, she really does wipe her ass with her left.

Tuesday, July 06, 2010

My Hope for Spain-Germany

The Spanish Inquisition vs. the Holocaust. It's not a Jew-friendly semifinal of the World Cup. No disrespect to the players or their families. I'm sure they're all lovely people. But I wouldn't mind a repeat of Munich 1972. Another occurrence of the 1970 Marshall football team wouldn't be so bad either. Of course, it would have to involve a horrific bus crash as the teams will probably not fly from the hotel to the stadium.

I know people are not responsibly for the atrocious actions of their ancestors. A terrible tragedy to either of these teams won't bring back the millions of Jews these two countries are responsible for killing. But still.

Monday, July 05, 2010

The Real Kobayashi Story

It is being reported that Kobayashi did not engage in yesterday's competitive hot dog eating contest at Coney Island because of a contract dispute. He attended the competition and, in the heat of the moment, rushed the stage in a bid to comp-eat. But his advances were rebuffed by the authorities. Kobayashi spent the night in jail.

The line about the contract dispute is a lie. There is a far darker reason for Kobayashi's failure to enter the eating meet. Kobayashi was injured. Because of the injury, he was unable to perform on competitive eating's biggest stage.

The day before the contest, he took a pretty girl to an Indian buffet. At the buffet, he stuffed himself silly. The worst, most embarrassing injury a competitive eater can face is being full. 18 pounds of chicken korma in 12 minutes will do the trick. The pretty girl left nauseous after Kobayashi had consumed a mere 6 pounds.

In an attempt to save face, Kobayashi made up the story about a contract disagreement. He attempted to illegally enter the contest knowing full well he wouldn't be allowed in. If he had been allowed to eat, he would have been humiliated. But there was never a chance that would happen. Instead, Kobayashi looks like a martyr, fighting against the oppression of the organized eating autocracy. In reality, he is just a very full man.

Sunday, July 04, 2010

Least Favorite Holidays

I can't think of an American holiday that I actually like. There are a lot of bad ones. Admist the tough competition, here is the current list of my most hated national holidays in order.

1. Christmas
2. Valentine's Day
3. Father's Day
4. New Year's Day
5. The 4th of July
6. Veterans Day
7. Thanksgiving
8. Memorial Day

Saturday, July 03, 2010

The Superfluous Pound-for-Pound Best

Here is an updated version of my unnecessary list of the top 10 pound-for-pound boxers. The first list was posted on March 22.

1) Floyd Mayweather (41-0, 25 KOs), [Previous Rank: 2]
2) Manny Pacquiao (51-3-2, 38 KOs), [Previous Rank: 1]
3) Wladimir Klitschko (54-3, 48 KOs), [Previous Rank: 4]
4) Paul Williams (39-1, 27 KOs), [Previous Rank: 5]
5) Chad Dawson (29-0, 17 KOs), [Previous Rank: 6]
6) Vitali Klitschko (40-2, 38 KOs), [Previous Rank: 8]
7) Sergio Martinez (45-2-2, 24 KOs), [Previous Rank: NR]
8) Shane Mosley (46-6, 39 KOs), [Previous Rank: 3]
9) Juan Manuel Marquez (50-5-1, 37 KOs), [Previous Rank: 10]
10) Pongsaklek Wonjongkam (74-3-1, 40 KOs), [Previous Rank: NR]

Exiting the list:
Arthur Abraham (31-1, 25 KOs), [Previous Rank: 7]
Bernard Hopkins (51-5-1, 32 KOs), [Previous Rank: 9]

Friday, July 02, 2010

Michael Steele is Right

Michael Steele said the war in Afghanistan was a war of Obama's choosing and that it was unwinnable. Steele has been resoundingly criticized for his comments.

It's really unfair. We liberals called foul when our opposition to the war in Iraq was called unpatriotic. Steele has added a courageous voice to the discourse on the Afghan war. He should not be shunned. He should be debated.

Obviously, it's short-sided to claim that Obama chose the war in Afghanistan. Some may argue that the Taliban chose the war by harboring al Qaeda even after the attacks of 9/11/01 (although Mullah Omar was still mulling over whether or not to turn in bin Laden when the U.S. invaded). Bush played a significant role in choosing the war. Obama inherited it. But, Obama has chosen to deploy more troops to Afghanistan. Certainly, he has earned some ownership. The Washington Post runs a series called "Obama's War." Obama can't be given a pass for the war's persistence.

I agree with Steele that the war is unwinnable. There is no overarching goal. The plan is to fight the Taliban and hope things work out. American policy continues to dream that Karzai will be able to set up a strong central government, despite the evidence showing its impossibility. The war in Afghanistan is a quagmire without a clear purpose. It sustains because of a vague desire for an elusive retribution. I'm just surprised Michael Steele of all people initiated this much needed perspective.

Thursday, July 01, 2010

Kagan's "Wise Latina" Moment

Elena Kagan's "Wise Latina" moment has been uncovered. It is being reported that Kagan once said that "Jewish women are naturally better judges than white men... We have an innate ability to critique and criticize."

The Republicans have been quick to condemn her as anti-gentile. Republican Senator from South Carolina Lindsey Graham questioned, "If she hates white men so much, how can she possibly judge fairly in cases involving them?" Fox News talking head, Sean Hannity thought that was a good point, saying, "Good point."

This quote, made at her niece's bat mitzvah 23 years ago, will probably end Kagan's chances at becoming a Supreme Court Justice and continuing as a contributing member of society. If only she had put a pube on some lady's Coke can, she would've been fine.