Saturday, July 24, 2010

Big Foot Sighting

I opened the door to my apartment complex and saw the biggest being my corneas have ever taken part in processing. He stood one flight above me, but it looked as if he were several more. He waved for me to come up, but I waved more insistently for him to come down first, as there would be no way that we could share the staircase at the same time even though I'm a tiny man.

He came down the stairs and asked, "Do you live here?" Standing on the same ground, he appeared even larger than before. He must have been 8'2" if he was an inch. I'd estimate he weighed 500 pounds of sheer muscle. "Yes." He continued, "Did you hear anything at 4 or 5 am last night? Like a loud noise." I had to admit that I hadn't. "Someone kicked in the door of my girl's apartment. They completely destroyed the frame."

"Shit," was my astonished reply, partly because I couldn't believe someone did that and partly because I now knew I was on trial. "I know the guy across the hall threw a party. He seemed afraid to talk to me," I attempted to stifle a chuckle when he said that, "He said he was really drunk and doesn't remember what happened."

"That must be what it was," I concluded, my head in a full tilt in order to look him in the eye. "Someone from that party must've been really drunk and not realized what they were doing. I was out; I have to wake up in the mornings. I didn't hear anything." After an awkward pause, I saw an opening to leave the mass of a man. "If I hear anything, I'll let you know." He smiled. "Alright, cool. Thanks, man."

I floated up two flights of stairs to my apartment. I don't remember opening the door. I do remember going into my room, taking off all of my clothes, curling up in the fetal position, and crying for the next 45 minutes...

And I really didn't kick in his girl's door.

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