Sunday, July 31, 2011

Tennis is Anti-Semitic

Today, two Jewish tennis players were bounced from qualifying at the Legg Mason Classic today. Both Nicolas Massu and Wayne Odesnik had emotional breakdowns during their respective matches.

Tennis is a sport that requires players to stay calm and even-tempered. That's not fair for us Jews. We are an emotional people. We are taught from a young age that is something is wrong, you should speak up. No stiff upper lip for us.

The ball boys at Massu's match were incompetent. They broke his chair and wouldn't shade him with the umbrella on an extremely hot day. They also gave him terrible tasting water, so he had to take a swig from each bottle and then put it back in the iced container. The lack of water made him cramp up. At least he got his revenge when a ball boy gave the ump one of Massu's pre-tested bottles of water.

In Odesnik's match, a ball that was clearly out on one of Ram's shots was called in. I was sitting right there and it was a terrible call. The ball was clearly out. What's worse is that Odesnik was right there and could have hit it easily, but chose not to, because it was clearly out.

Both of these men had too much to deal with to keep calm and composed. There's enough frustration in tennis without this crap. How is a Jew supposed to keep cool under these circumstances? Any sport that one plays better without emotion is inherently anti-Semitic.

Friday, July 29, 2011

Strange Bedfellows

When I listen to Minister Farrakhan speak, I'm really feeling what he's saying- that poor people should receive bailouts, not banks, that the humanitarian concern in starting the war in Libya is a misleading argument to quell opposition-... until he invariable blames the worl'd problems on the Jews.

When I listen to Pat Buchanan speak, I'm really feeling what he's saying- that Iran poses no threat to American power, that the United States' aggressive foreign policy is a waste of money-... until he invariable starts blaming the world's problems on brown people.

Thursday, July 28, 2011


Despite all of the trouble in the world, I am optimistic. It is important not to be subsumed by the problems of the day. We will get out of it; we always do. Humanity's nature is to progress.

In the grand scheme of things, the debt crisis is nothing. We have bigger problems. People kill other people. People live in poverty. People starve. People experience no love in their lives. Often times we feel powerless to help.

But things will change. It's a slow process. We must start slow and keep moving forward. It's important to show empathy for others, no matter the situation. We must not worry about regrets; just keep moving. It isn't about mistakes we've made in the past. It's about showing compassion the next time the opportunity presents itself.

I am optimistic. One day there will be a world without violence. Humanity will evolve to the point where we instinctively put ourselves in another's position. We will recognize our intertwined nature and realize that causing pain to another also harms ourselves. That day will come.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

The Foul Ball

At the Nats game last night, we were handed tickets to better seats by two women outside of the park. Then, in the 7th inning, a Jewish woman sitting three rows below us caught a foul ball that had smacked a wire and redirected. She also out-muscled her boyfriend for the ball. In fact, she didn't even let him hold the ball afterwards. It was all very impressive and a clear metaphor for a relationship with a Jewish woman.

The best part of the night was not having to listen to Ray Knight drone on and on.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Metro Ettiquette

On the metro today, I sat next to a man who looked very much like Comic Book Guy. An interesting look to emulate.

As the metro slowed for each stop, he would put his hands on the bar, which indicated that he was getting ready to get off the train. He also kept placing his bag on the floor and then picking it up, also making me think he was leaving. He'd also look at me occasionally as the train slowed, another indication of someone ready to get off.

All of these actions were draining. I had to pay more attention to this cartoon character because he had exhausted the usual social cues that tell a person someone wants to get off. What did he do when he wanted to get off? I didn't know. So, I couldn't zone out, because this man clearly played outside the mores of society.

It was a terrible metro ride.

Sunday, July 24, 2011


The tragedy in Norway is another example of the danger of viewing the world in terms of “Clash of Civilizations.” It becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy. Instead of acknowledging the give and take between different cultures and how fluid culture truly is, which serves to blur the distinctions, this notion draws false lines of division. Immigration to Europe or the U.S. isn’t viewed as a positive opportunity for progress, but a threat to our “civilization.”

Saturday, July 23, 2011

The Up and Down Nats

Jayson Werth has finally started to heat up. Michael Morse is on fire. Ryan Zimmerman is hitting well. John Lannan has played great since getting hit in the face by a linedrive. Jeerry Haiston is a new man since coming off the DL.

Just as all that started to happen, Danny Espinosa, who had been in a groove, has hit a snag. Wilson Ramos hasn't hit well of late. And Jesus Floes has struggled with his defense. Livan Hernandez has lost his feel. And the bullpen has been struggling, particularly Sean Burnett and Todd Coffey.

Except for the two week period before Jim Riggleman resigned when they all hit their stride at the same time, the Nats have been uneven. When certain players have been hot, other key players have gone cold. It's why they are hovering around .500.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

The War Continues... Sort Of

My fellow citizens, the war in Tajikistan hasn't gone so well. Leaders must be wise enough to realize that their people are not up to a challenge. Leaders must be courageous enough to bring the hard truth to their people. And leaders must be prudent enough to pull the plug when doom is impending.

But we will never forgive the Tajik people for what someone who happens to reside within their borders has done. We will never stop fighting against famed terrorist, Taylor Jonathan Thomas. And our war with Tajikistan will continue, for we are a stubbornly proud people. But it will be of that low-intensity variety that's so popular with the young nations these days.

Today's decrees
My new Tajik nurse Delruba will now be an unofficial advisor and influence every decision I make. Not only is she hot, but oh my, what she can do with her tongue!

Every house must now possess one of Delruba's beautiful hand-knit afghans. They're so great! Failure to do so is punishable by death. So far, she's made seven of them and each is more beautiful than the last. Unless, uh, she likes the first one she made the best, then that one's the most beautiful. Well, whichever she likes the best, that one is the most beautiful.

Also, no more yoga pants outside of the yoga studio. Delruba thinks it's tacky.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Stevie Wonder Updates Iconic Song

Stevie Wonder is releasing with a new single for the first time in several years. The song is an updated version of his iconic song I Just Called to Say, I Love You. This new song is called I Just Texted To Say, Dinner at 7?.

Wonder claims he released this new song in order to bring his music to a new audience. In so doing, he hopes to tarnish his legacy and minimize the i mpact of his music by "leaving people with a bad taste in their mouths."

The Hall of Fame singer-songwriter got the idea for the new track and to destroy the acclaim that has taken him decades to accumulate "while I was eating pizza and getting high with my friends. I said, 'Wouldn't it be funny if...' and everyone agreed that it would be."

Related Link: Bill Withers has changed some of the lyrics to his version of Lean on Me to "Just BBM me brother, when you need a hand."

Monday, July 18, 2011

The Tragic Consequences of Historical Interpretation

Rwandan history is construed based on your political bent. If you are pro-Hutu, you have one dispensation and if you are pro-Tutsi, you have another. The divisions have largely to do with whether Hutu and Tutsi signify two distinct peoples and, relatedly, if the Tutsi are a foreign people.

The pro-Tutsi line of reasoning sees no distinction between Hutu and Tutsi. This division was created by the Belgian colonists based on social class. Rich people were designated Tutsi, while poor were deemed Hutu.

The pro-Hutu stance is that the Tutsi arrived to the region from elsewhere. This argument follows the colonial racialization of Hutu and Tutsi. As Mamdani asserts, the Belgians did not create the Hutu and the Tutsi, but they did racialize them. The colonists viewed the Tutsi as members of a superior race. The pro-Hutu stance believes that the Tutsi are a Hamitic people and thus, nonindigenous to the region.

The stereotypes of both groups involve the belief that the Tutsi have historically been pastoralists while the Hutu have been agriculturalists. This reinforces the belief that the Tutsi migrated from elsewhere. It also perpetuates the idea that the Tutsi constitute a higher social class, because cows were associated with wealth. But the stereotypes of the Tutsi pastoralist and the Hutu agriculturalist are muddied by history. The idea of the Hutu-Tutsi division on the basis of social class flatly ignores the existence of poor Tutsi.

These debates have had tragic consequences for the people of Rwanda. Hutu Power argued in the early 1990s that the Tutsi were foreigners and posed a threat to the indigenous Hutu. This fear helped to instigate the genocide perpetrated against the Tutsi in 1994. After the genocide, when the Tutsi-led RPF took power, the leadership argued that there was no division, going so far as to outlaw the terms. That has served to legitimize their ethnic minority rule. It also gives persecuted Hutu no recourse to protest their treatment because the source of their oppression is legally nonexistent.

Hiernaux argues that the Tutsi are “elongated Africans” from East Africa that have adapted to the life of desert nomads. This line of reasoning shows that while Tutsi and Hutu are different people, the Tutsi do not constitute a foreign race. Mamdani adds that Tutsi migration likely did not occur in one invasion, but happened gradually.

The pro-Hutu and pro-Tutsi beliefs as to their origins need to be considered critically and tested against history. (more on Rwanda at HQT-IE)

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Ascribing Blame

Rene Lemarchand seems to be a fair voice in the otherwise politically charged area of the Great Lakes Region. I read his 1994 book on Burundi. In it, he explains the arguments of Hutu extremists and Tutsi extremists. He puts their arguments into context. It's a really well-written book.

His 2009 book on political violence in the region was less effective. He's writing in the context of the West's guilt over the 1994 genocide committed by Hutu against mostly Tutsi victims. His point is that the Tutsi-led RPF has committed massacres and those need to be condemned as well. It's a fair point.

But Lemarchand's book has two fundamental problems. One is a question of sloppiness. His book is really just a collection of essays written over several years. The problem is that he never mentions that fact. As a reader, you are forced to guess when the chapter was written based on the events he discusses. Sometimes, he has evidence that Paul Kagame is responsible for the shooting down of Rwandan president Juvenal Habyarimana's plane, but other times, no one knows who is responsible and we may never know. Lemarchand should've mentioned that it was a collection of essays from over the years and labeled each chapter as such or updated all of his essays.

The worse problem is that he ascribes partial blame for the genocide to Paul Kagame. He argues that because Kagame led the RPF invasion, which enhanced the Tutsi threat in the eyes of the Hutu, Kagame also deserves responsibility for the killings committed by the Hutu militias. While the RPF invasion is important in order to contextualize the genocide, the RPF did not engage in the genocide, though they did kill Hutu civilians during the civil war, and thus cannot be blamed for it.

Kagame and the RPF must be held responsible for their own human rights violations, but not those of Hutu Power. It is irresponsible of Lermchand to insinuate Kagame has any responsibility to the interahamwe's murder of Tutsi civilians. it is the difference between context and justification. To mention the RPF invasion in the same sentence as the 1994 genocide is to provide context. To argue that without the RPF invasion in 1990, the genocide would not have happened, is plausible if irrelevant. But that is different than assigning blame for the genoocide to Kagame. When blame is given to Kagame, that gives justification to the genocide because the Hutu militia are suddenly not fully responsible for the murders they committed.
(more at HQT-IE)

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Foreign Policy Change

In the short term, I favor a more isolationist approach to foreign policy. The U.S.- through its extensions such as the World Bank, IMF, and the military- has had a negative impact on developing countries throughout the world. Their sovereignty has been compromised by promises of aid. Hostilities have been heightened or even instigated as the United States sees fit.

Until we can get away from this policy of harming other countries because it seems as if it is in our national interest. We must respect the will and sovereignty of other nations.

Then, we must move away from the competitive attitude between nation-states. Each country should relate to each other as if they were states. Helping those in need should not be seen as an act of goodwill, but as a responsibility. Instead of dividing ourselves based on nationality, we should use the organization of the nation-state to improve the lives of everyone all over the world. If one country needs doctor, incentives should be set up to attract doctors to that locale.

The nation-state in not a fundamentally negative entity, but it has the capacity to be so. We must change it's purpose. The most powerful country in the world, the United States, has the power to do so.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

The MLB All Star Game

For the second year in a row, a Nats reliever got the win after pitching to one batter and going a third of an inning. But the baseball all star is the most annoying and overall worst all star game there is in professional sports.

The rosters are way too big. It's like little league where everyone is invited and everyone gets to play. This is supposed to be the pinnacle of the sport!

I hate that it affects home field advantage in the World Series. But if it's going to, then it shouldn't be played like an exhibition game. Does it count or is it an exhibition? Baseball needs to decide.

Reducing the number of roster spots would force managers to play it more like a real game, which is what we want to see.

There are way too many promotions. Some are noble, but the whole thing makes the game feel like a torturously long infomercial.

I hate the DH. It has no place in baseball, except in the all star game. I'm glad it was there last night.

I also liked that the players wear their team uniforms and not some garbage AL or NL uniform.

Other than those two aspects, the all star game is a waste of time that always leaves me feeling sad when it ends (when I actually watch it). It is a poor celebration of the game of baseball and needs to be radically retooled.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

War Idol

Ryan Seacrest: Welcome to a brand new reality show, War Idol. Each week, you, the audience, will vote which contestants will stay and which will leave. The winner will plan the war with Tajikistan and win a $25,000 recording contract.

Of course, planning this war won't be easy. The Dear and Fearless Leader's country doesn't have any war-ready weapons. So, unconventional ideas are needed. Tonight, our contestants will reveal one idea for the war while performing a hidden talent. Now, let's meet our first contestant. First, we have Precious Ajenta. Precious serves the nation as an accountant. Welcome Precious.

Precious Ajenta: Thanks Ryan.

Ryan: Precious will now hula-hoop while announcing her idea as Friends of Distinction's Going in Circles plays over the loudspeaker. When you're ready, Precious.

Precious [takes deep breath and begins hula-hooping]: We should send hoards of Jehovah's Witnesses over to Tajikistan and have them ring doorbells and preach the wisdom within The Tiny Teal Book.

Ryan: That was wonderful, Precious. A great idea! Was this a fun experience for you?

Precious: It's always fun when I get to please the Dear and Fearless and the nation.

Ryan: Alright, thank you Precious. Next up is Clint Uppenarms. Clint works at McDonald's. How's that job going for you, Clint?

Clint Uppenarms: I live to serve the Dear and Fearless Leader in anyway he sees fit.

Ryan: Alright, Clint. Loosen up buddy. Clint will now present his idea for the war with Tajikistan while performing a walking handstand. Let's see it, Clint.

Clint [walking on his hands]: I propose we send over our women and have them rub their hairy armpits in those ugly Tajik's faces.

Ryan: Interesting idea, Clint.

Today's decrees
I decree that War Idol is hereby canceled. Wow, that show was terrible.

I'd rather pick war ideas out of a hat than continue watching that terrible show. I also, decree that host and executive producer Ryan Seacrest will be killed.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

I Am A Republican

I am a Republican. I believe in the greatness of America. America is the greatest country on Earth. America is the land of noble intentions as we hope to spread democracy and freedom across the globe. Indeed, it is our responsibility to do so, even among the unwilling.

My sense of self derives from the flag and the anthem. Being a member of the greatest country this world has ever known is my greatest accomplishment. As an American, it is my duty to be patriotic. I support the troops in all their endeavors. They are heroes and, by definition, their actions are right and just. They allow us to enjoy our freedom. Those who criticize the troops are traitorous.

As an American, I have the right to privacy, which entails freedom from government interjection. The government has no right in my finances or my bedroom. The government should not dictate what I can and cannot do, regardless of the safety or prudence of my actions.

All Americans should be treated equally. There should not be special provisions or privileges for certain groups of Americans. Each American should enjoy the same rights as every other American.

I believe homosexuality is wrong. I believe that we must love the sinner even if we hate the sin. Gay marriage should be illegal, because if society accepts homosexuality, then we are on the road to disaster. Illegal immigrants should not be afforded the same rights as citizens. They have broken the law by living in our great land and should be arrested and deported.

It is politically incorrect to deem my views as xenophobic or bigoted. I am entitled to my beliefs. Likewise, my positions are not hypocritical, that is merely a politically-motivated attack.

Thursday, July 07, 2011

American Crisis of Epidemic Proportions

A strange epidemic has afflicted countless American men recently. They can be seen wandering beaches, competing in shirts-vs.-skins basketball games, and running in the park. These men, sadly, do not possess chest hair.

No one knows the cause of these unfortunates' bare-chestedness. Scientist Alfred Rockingmeyer, Head Researcher at MIT, is firmly in the camp that claims these men suffer from a testosterone deficiency.

Another group, led by psychologist Yohann Ganderpuss, believes the problem is psychological. Ganderpuss asserts that these men are willingly shaving their chests. But there is some dispute as to the reason why they are voluntarily relieving themselves of their chest hair.

Ganderpuss argues that it is part of a deep-seeded gender confusion these men are experiencing. Others argue that these men are suffering from some form of psychosis, which causes them to perform acts of insanity, such as shaving one's chest hair.

The average man on the street is greatly concerned about the epidemic. About the crisis, 29-year old David Handerchuck from Maryland says, "It doesn't seem right, men without chest hair. In my day, we used have a name for a person without chest hair. We called them 'women',"

The only potential treatment, if you have a loved one afflicted, is to throw out all of the razors in his possession. Even razors for women must be disgarded as these men will stop at nothing to cut their chest hair, driven by dementia. And once every razor is thrown out, one can only hope some chest hairs begin to sprout.

Wednesday, July 06, 2011

A Petty Revenge

I was walking in the metro after the Nats game. A line was forming informally to go down the escalator. An older man decided he didn't want to wait and bumped me as I was stepping on the escalator. I told my friend, "I'm going to get him back." And I took off after the man.

I ran down and easily caught the man. I moved to the right and attempted to pass him, but a person was standing in front of me. I saw the man pick up his pace once I came even with him. Knowing I couldn't pass him, I ran into him and then moved over behind him. He cried out in distress, "Hey, watch it!"

I patted him on the back and retorted, "You did the same thing to me up on the top on the escalator. He began weakly, "No I didn't," and his voice trailed off as he remembered what he had done. He then fled down the escalator as fast as he's has moved in prorbably thirty years and my job was done.

I turned back to my friend with a satisfied smile. My friend did his best to act as if he had never met before.

Tuesday, July 05, 2011


I'm reading a book about Jaipur, India by Giles Tillotson called Jaipur Nama: Tales from the Pink City. The author waxes about how Jaipur is set up in a perfect grid, which unlike most Indian cities. On page 23, he writes, "To get lost in all of this order one would have to be suffering from some sort of deficiency in geometry."

Fuck you, buddy. Thanks for making me feel like a total fucking moron just because I got turned around after eating in a restaurant. That can't happen to anybody? Only a person deficient in geometry? You're a real dick. And by the way, I got all 'A's in geometry; so go to hell.

Monday, July 04, 2011

War Plans

My fellow citizens, our war plans have been implemented and, so far, have met with mixed success. Our group of male and female sex tourists, sent to Dushanbe in order to spread genital herpes throughout Tajikistan, has hit a snag. Evidently, the Tajiks don't want to have sex with them. If you've ever seen a Tajik woman, you know what kind of knock to our national pride that truly is.

We sent the bad luck charm, disguised as a good luck charm, from the Amazon Basin. We'll have to see if the corruption-ridden, terrorist-filled, post-Soviet Hades that is Tajikistan will receive bad luck in the near future.

And our polite request for Tajikistan to turn over terrorist # 1, TJT, has been denied. Those dirty Tajik bastards wrote, "We would be willing to help you capture this vicious terrorist, except you have threatened to knee our president in a sensitive area if we should comply. So we will have to respectfully decline in providing your nation any aid at this point."

In all honesty, I should have seen that it was absurd to believe I could plan a war based on callers' suggestions during a one-hour radio program.

Today's decrees
I decree that we create a reality show in order to choose the person who is best qualified to run this unconventional war. The show will be called War Idol and the pilot will air next week.

While its exact content is still in development, we know that there will be several contestants vying for the position and you, the beloved citizens of our great land, will have the opportunity to text in your vote each week. Who says my country isn't democratic?

Ryan Seacrest has been appointed as our new Minister of Ceremonies.

Sunday, July 03, 2011

Reminiscent of '05

The 2011 Nats are an exciting team in a similar way as the '05 version. Good pitching, solid defense, and timely hitting have been both teams' m.o. The '05 squad had an incredible won-loss record in one-run games during the first half of the season. This year's team has shown that same resiliency. Both teams had long win streaks.

That '05 team collapsed during the second half of the season and the Nats haven't even approached decency until this year. This year's roster is far younger than the '05 Nats. Also, Werth and Zimmerman have struggled thus far. You'd have to imagine that won't continue through September. The 2005 team didn't have any hitters as good as those two.

Not only does the future look bright for the Nats, but the present is exciting. Sure, they're a .500 team, but they're a scrappy scratch club. It's fun to watch. And the optimism of the future helps too.

Saturday, July 02, 2011

Klitschko Cruises Over Haye

Many thought that David Haye would put up a compelling performance against the heavyweight champion, Wladimir Klitschko, because of his speed and his athletic ability. But it wasn't to be. Haye had a plan to avoid Klitschko's jab. He just didn't have a plan to initiate any offense. And he didn't counterpunch. The result was a bad fight.

Much like a balloon being inflated closer and closer to its breaking point, the tension rose throughout the pre-fight festivities. But, instead of bursting in the ring, the air was slowly let out over twelve largely uneventful rounds. The problem was that Haye succeeds from the outside, but Klitchko is the taller and better outside fighter. As a result, Haye's leaping hooks came up short. Klitschko was content to merely avoid the blows, which made for a boring bout.

Haye's lunging punches were few and far between to begin with. Klitschko utilized the jab. While he didn't crush Haye's sole with the left-hand lead, as he does to some opponents, the jab allowed Klitschko to control the contest. After the fight, Haye blamed a broken toe for not being able to push off when he leapt in at the champion. But his hooks from the outside were so short that it didn’t matter. The one big punch he ladned in the fight occured in the 12th where he was short with a left hook but came back with an overhand right that landed. It wasn't clear which toe was broken, but if it wasn't the big toe on his left foot, it was a moot excuse.

The big picture for boxing is a bleak one. Whenever a fight has crossed over to engage mainstream sports fans in recent years, it has been a stinker. Manny Pacquiao is too dominant offensively, causing his opponents to refrain from mounting a counter-attack. Floyd Mayweather is too good defensively and too accurate with his potshots, resulting in lackluster fights. Klitschko's dominant jab is not the most exciting. So boxing, already a niche sport, has had several bad showings on the big stage of late. This fight continued the streak.

Friday, July 01, 2011

Some Great War Ideas

My fellow citizens, as you know, we are at war with Tajikistan. But we don't have the resources to conduct a conventional war. Well, we had a great hour on the radio on The Randy and Sammy Radio Hour yesterday. I got a lot of ideas from listeners that we can really go with. Here are some:
  • Take Tajikistan off all of our maps and relabel it "Palestine"
  • Have our kids engage in a canned food drive at their schools. Have them bring the worst canned foods you've got. Dented cans encouraged. Then we'll send them over to Tajikistan
  • Make it so that when you google Tajikistan President Emomali Rahmon, the first result comes up, "The frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex"
  • Buy lots of tupperware from the Container Store and have our most virile men continuously jerkoff in them. Then we'll Fed Ex the unmarked containers of jizz over to Tajikistan and let them figure out what it is
  • Dress up like a pimp with a hidden camera and try to get their leaders to say something incriminating
  • Write insensitive tweets about those filthy Tajiks and their reputedly slutty mothers
  • Send a guy over there to buy up all their dates. That way when Ramadan rolls around, they won't have dates to break their fast

Today's decrees
Here are some of the better ideas from yesterday's radio show that we're going to go with:

  • Send state-sponsored tour groups to Dushanbe to have sex with the Tajiks, thereby giving them genital warts
  • Mail them good luck beads from an indigenous tribe located in the Amazon Basin. In reality, they will be bad luck beads from said indigenous tribe located in the Amazon Basin
  • Ask Tajikistan nicely to turn over notorious terrorist TJT. Tajikistan agrees. At the meeting where TJT is to be turned over to us, run up and knee the Tajik president in that area right above his penis but below his stomach and run away laughing

I wonder if it's sound policy to publicly announce your war plans in decree form. I know! I decree that our enemies cannot read the above decree.