My fellow citizens, the war in Tajikistan hasn't gone so well. Leaders must be wise enough to realize that their people are not up to a challenge. Leaders must be courageous enough to bring the hard truth to their people. And leaders must be prudent enough to pull the plug when doom is impending.
But we will never forgive the Tajik people for what someone who happens to reside within their borders has done. We will never stop fighting against famed terrorist, Taylor Jonathan Thomas. And our war with Tajikistan will continue, for we are a stubbornly proud people. But it will be of that low-intensity variety that's so popular with the young nations these days.
My new Tajik nurse Delruba will now be an unofficial advisor and influence every decision I make. Not only is she hot, but oh my, what she can do with her tongue!
Every house must now possess one of Delruba's beautiful hand-knit afghans. They're so great! Failure to do so is punishable by death. So far, she's made seven of them and each is more beautiful than the last. Unless, uh, she likes the first one she made the best, then that one's the most beautiful. Well, whichever she likes the best, that one is the most beautiful.
Also, no more yoga pants outside of the yoga studio. Delruba thinks it's tacky.