Democracy Update

Friends! We are on the verge of creating a burgeoning democracy. Unfortunately, we needed to rid our government of many undemocratic people and replace them with those interested in democracy. That has taken some time. Next, we'll need to build up functioning political parties and competent candidates. That will take some more time. So, in the meantime, the military junta, led by yours truly, the Feared and Peerless Leader, will continue to hold down the fort until we can create a thriving democracy.

We have worked with the IMF to privatize the economy. Formerly nationalized industries have been purchased by successful entrepreneurs. The IMF suggested that we charge these wealthy entrepreneurs a minimal tax to help promote privatization. Then, that will allow these new titans of industry to hire you and you'll soon have steady work.

We are committed to respecting the human rights of every citizen. Particularly those citizens who were not members of the old regime. We need your full support for this transformation to work. Without it, we may revert back to the old ways. Of course, the military junta will need to take certain measures to ensure that support. But, rest assured, they will respect the human rights of this great land.

Today's decrees
The military junta is planning on holding elections just as soon as a healthy democracy is created.

Once newly privatized industries have their footing, they will start hiring, which will provide you with work.

Your human rights will always be honored as long as we can count on your full support.

Onward and Upward Great Nation

Friends! Things have been wonderful since we acquired new leadership in our land. We are doing our best to create a market-oriented democracy that respects human rights. You may have noticed some changes since the military junta took over about a month ago. We apologize if any of these changes have rubbed you the wrong way. They are all for the sake of reaching our goals for our nation in a timely manner.

Today's decrees
The military junta will hold elections as soon as possible.

We will privatize the economy with all deliberate speed.

The human rights of every citizen will be respected once that becomes feasible.

The Coup

Friends! Three years of tyranny ends tonight! We have overthrown the Dear and Fearless Leader and, in the process, liberated our nation from his dictatorial and arbitrary rule. A new dawn is upon us.

Our list of grievances is long. The Dear and Fearless Leader stole an election, provoked and eventually went to war with Tajikistan, gave us all genital warts, forced us to buy his terrible book, and changed our nation's currency to chest hair just to name a few.

We need new leadership. That's why I, your former Minister of Defense and the Interior, the Feared and Peerless Leader will lead a cabal of military chiefs until we are ready for fair and free elections. We will not commit the sins of my brother, the Dear and Fearless Leader. We renounce his corruption, dictatorship, and nepotism.

We support capitalism, democracy, and freedom. We will not antagonize the world, as did my brother. We will act as partners with the rest of the world. Privatization of the economy, elections, and laws granting our countrymen liberty will come as fast as is humanly possible.

I understand our people want justice. But we must show compassion for my brother. Yes, he led us down a dark alley. But we must not revisit the sins of the past and, instead, we must focus on the future. We can make our nation great. Follow our lead and we will all enjoy the fruit of prosperity!

Today's decrees
The military junta, led by the Feared and Peerless Leader, now runs our great land.

The Dear and Fearless Leader will be granted a pardon and will be asked to leave our nation.

Good & Plenty

My fellow citizens, I am here to report my Good & Plenty findings. As you recall, studies have shown the smell of the candy Good & Plenty makes women 40% more sexually aroused than normal. So, I decided to give it a try because I was tired of raping.

I encountered a problem right away. How do I keep the smell of Good & Plenty on me? Plus, was the candy-coated shell responsible for the increase in sexual arousal or the underlying licorice?

I tried rubbing some pellets all over me and then heading out for a night on the town, but women were repulsed by me. I carried a handful with me, but they kept slipping out of my grasp and women tended to think I was holding a bunch of rufis. Next, I decided to stick some Good & Plenty in my pocket, but the heat in our great nation at this time of year is unbearable. The candy melted in my pocket, ruining my pants.

Next, I decided to tape pellets of Good & Plenty to my body. It actually worked! I managed to convince a woman to come back to my palace. But when I took off my shirt, she was pretty freaked out at the sight of white and purple capsules taped to my body and she left. For the next half hour, I was in complete agony every time I ripped off the tape from my hirsute body.

In a last ditch effort to make use of this sexual knowledge, I decided to keep a few Good & Plenty in my mouth. But the taste was so terrible, I started violently retching all over the women near me.

So, alas, I'm back to raping people. Or as we euphemistically call it " engaging in unwitting sexual relations."

Today's decrees
The ban on the sale of Good & Plenty has been lifted. Knock yourselves out. Just don't eat that shit.

Guys who wear muscle shirts before they get the muscles will have their skin ripped off their bodies.

Tomorrow will be a national day of morning for my valiant opposition in this year's presidential election. Coincidentally, all have died since announcing their presidential challenge. Here's to you Betty Buxom, Oboto Chiluba, Willard Newton, and Ronna Paulo.

The Candy Cure

My fellow citizens, my Minister of Women has notified me of a new effective aphrodisiac. He told me that I can actually entice women to make love to me willingly. I was so astonished; I couldn't image having sex without having to rape, the two seemed like an indivisible married couple. He said that studies have shown the smell of the candy Good & Plenty makes women 40% more sexually aroused than normal.

I was flabbergasted. I though the dream of a woman willingly engaging in the act of making love with me was something that only happened in romance novels and to other people. Who knew it could also happen to the wealthiest and most powerful man in his country?

Today's decrees
The purchase or use of the candy Good & Plenty is now outlawed.

Tomorrow is Lady's Night in our country. I hereby decree all females to get their booties on the dance floor.

The Inaugural Address

My fellow citizens, I sincerely thank you for your vote. You have made your voice heard and the world is listening. You have told the world that, regardless of what they think, you support innovative ideas and creative solutions to our nation's profuse troubles. He rebuked the naysayers who accuse your leader of dictatorship, authoritarianism, and other neo-colonial euphemisms. We, as a people, are free from outside domination. We are a self-determined people and act in no nation's interest save our own.

When a leader does not have legitimacy in the international community, it can be difficult to fulfill one's promise and to provide his populace with the fuel they need to thrive. This conundrum has caused some of the difficulties that have dotted my rule thus far, such as the various Tajikistan crises, the strange suicide epidemic among critics of my regime, and many others. Now that I am a democratically elected leader, the international community will  hopefully remove the obstacles to our progress.

My new term will feature a reshaping of our society into a blissful utopian that will satisfy our deepest desires, passions, and grant us everlasting happiness. But I don't want to oversell it. Let our path towards the "New Society" begin.

Today's decrees
Dairy products are hereby deemed fresh a month beyond the "sell by" date.

To celebrate our nation's diversity we will promote a different ethnic group each month and persecute them because they are responsible for our coming up short of this new utopian vision I've espoused. First up, the Druze. Next month, the Circassions. Then the Kurds.

Ay man caught with slick-backed hair will have the slick-backed part shaved off by our vaunted Fashion Police.

The Election

I am pleased to announce the results of the first caucus of our presidential race, my fellow citizens. Apparently, I have been declared the winner with 124.6% of the vote. No leader has reached this electoral height since Angola's Jose Eduardo dos Santos garnered 135% in 1992. Here are the full results:

Dear and Fearless Leader: 124.6%
Betty Buxom: 7.8%
Oboto Chiluba:: -32.4%
Total: 100%

Today's decrees
Since my win in our nation's first vote was so convincing, there really is no need to continue with the election. It's clear, you like me, you really like me!

I am hereby a democratically elected and legitimate leader. I must say, it feels good. First and foremost, I want to thank my god. I'd like to thank the voters. And last but not least, I'd like to thank your god, ME!

Death in the Campaign

My fellow citizens, it is with great sadness that I announce the sudden death of former presidential candidate Ronna Paulo, who was suffocated to death when aborted fetuses were jammed down her throat. Ms. Paulo was a champion of freedom, democracy, and human rights. her voice will be sorely missed. In her memory, we will cancel all of the other scheduled debates.

Unfortunately, we had one candidate at last night's debate who did not show the same kind of devotion to these qualities that did Ms. Paulo. Willard Newton said that Ms. Paulo should be "disposed" at last night's debate. So, Willard Newton will pay the price in the name of freedom, democracy, and human rights.

Today's degrees

Here is Willard Newton, bound and shackled. First, let's mess up his perfectly quaffed hair with the shades of gray on the tips of his sideburns that kind of looks like a toupee.

Next, stomp him in the nuts.

Ok, now let's have the judo master come over and put his fat face in your vice-like grip.

Yeehaw! Now let's rip his dick off, sprinkle some beet sugar on it, and send that shit to the moon! This is what happens when someone tries to undermine the freedom, democracy, and human rights we all hold dear.

The Debate

Hello and welcome to tonight's presidential debate. I'm your moderator Bernard Shaw. Yep, this is what happened to me. Now, let's welcome our candidates onto the stage. First is Willard Newton. Next is Betty Buxom. Our next candidate is Obotu Chiluba. Coming out now we have Ronna Paulo. And we've saved the best for last, here he is, the Dear and Fearless Leader.

Shaw: Dear and Fearless Leader, how are you doing?
DFL: Pre-tty pre-tty pre-tty pre-tty good, Bernie. Thanks for asking.
Shaw: You are most welcome, your holiness. Now, let's turn to Mr. Newton. What is your plan to turn around the economy?
Newton: First of all, let me say that the Dear and Fearless Leader has done a wonderful job with the economy. Personally, I have no ideas on how to improve it. If the Dear and Fearless Leader has some ideas, then I would agree with them. Otherwise, I would leave the economy as it is.
Shaw: How about you, Ms. Buxom? How would you stimulate the economy? And might I say that is a rather revealing and ravishing dress you're wearing.
Buxom: Well, tee-hee, I know a little something about stimulating things, isn't that right Dear and Fearless Leader? I made his stock rise high.... and hard. (She winks and blows the Dear and Fearless Leader a kiss)
Shaw: Dear and Fearless Leader, rebuttal?
DFL: Not now bitch, my family's here!
Shaw: Dr. Chiluba, what do you think of the state of the nation? We've had a failed war, a crumbling economy, and opponents have disappeared. Of course, none are the fault of the Dear and Fearless Leader who will guide us out of this mess.
Chiluba: I think the nation is strong. I don't anything about a failed war. I know we defeated those Tajik devils. I think the economy is doing well. Just look at how well the Dear and Fearless Leader is doing. He is very rich! We have no opponents disappear, only enemies. I think the Dear and Fearless Leader is doing swell.
Paulo: Bernard, can I say something here. The Dear and Fearless Leader has destroyed this country. We've seen protests in the streets. To cover up his mistakes and quell the protests, he started a phony war that turned out to be a disaster. We were attacked on May 6 and our leader has used that attack to distract us from our nation's real problems. If anyone speaks against him, they are killed. I cannot sit here in silence. Or worse yet, go along with this administration. We need a revolution. I hope these elections are free and fair. The people will vote out the leader if they are. And...
Shaw: Time. Ok, time for a commercial break.

Shaw: And we're back.
Newton: Bernie, the vitriol we heard before the break from Ronna was uncalled for. I suggest that we dispose of her, Dear and Fearless Leader.
DFL: No. This is a free country. This election is free and fair. Allow me to make a decree.
Newton, Buxom, Chiluba: Bless you Dear and Fearless Leader. We would be honored.

Today's decrees
All candidates for the presidency shall speak their minds in the name of freedom, democracy, and human rights.

This debate is hereby over. I need to discuss some, ahem, policy issues with Ms. Buxom in the back.

Back to Work

Hello fellow citizens. It has been a long time since we've spoken. I've been on vacation for the past few months. The rumors- that my hot Tajik nurse Delruba was actually a spy only sleeping with me in order to get her ideas implemented, ideas that would ultimately severely weaken our nation in retaliation for my bellicose rhetoric and the resulting breakup has crushed me to the point where I've just been in my room crying, listen to Common's Lovin' I Lost, and raping my servants in order to gain back control over something, anything- are not true.

On my vacation, I decided what my nation needs. To the citizens camping out in the streets in protest, I hear you. That is why I am calling for elections. We'll hold them in the American form.

Today's decrees
First, there will be a series of primaries to determine the candidates in the general election. All are welcomed to run for the leadership of our great land. In fact, I dare you.

I will begin campaigning as of this moment. My campaign slogan is "GOD help you if you HOPE for CHANGE." Vote Dear and Fearless Leader!

A Week into Los Animales de los Diez Milliones

Well, my fellow citizens, it's been a week since we implemented the program, Los Animales de los Diez Milliones, and it has not gone well. Instead of doing their jobs, our citizens have roamed the land in search of animals to pet and feed. They've done a great job too. But in an ironic trick of the gods, the better our citizens do with the task at hand, the worse shape the economy is in.

Within one week, our economy has disintegrated. Roads and buildings are crumbling. Sick people are not able to find a adequate health care as doctors and nurses scour the countryside for squirrels to give nuts to. The banking system has collapsed. The military has vanished. Grungy people can be seen all over slowly walking in a zombie-like daze muttering to themselves, "Here kitty kitty. Nice kitty."

As your leader, I have the unique ability to recognize when something is not working. Los Animales de los Diez Milliones is not working; not because it was a stupid idea, but because you, the citizenry, have not handled it well. As your leader, I feel it my job to get our country back on track. I will do everything in my power to turn things around.

Today's decrees
It's about time for a long vacation with my hot Tajik nurse Delruba. I'm going to my ranch to clear some brush and plow some land and yes I'm still talking about Delruba.

Lonely Planet has rated us as one of the top 10 nicest hellscapes to visit! I decree that you all give yourselves a pat on the back, you deserve it.

Los Animales de los Diez Milliones

My fellow citizens, my hot Tajik nurse Delruba made a great suggestion recently as she was rubbing her bare breasts against my face. She always seems to have the best ideas when that happens. I wonder what that's about.

Today's decrees
Delruba loves animals so I decree that every citizen must take part in a new government program. This project will be called Los Animales de los Diez Milliones because our goal is to help ten million animals.

Every citizen must take off from work one week every month to care for animals. Each citizen must roam the city streets and the countryside in search of cats to pet, dogs to play fetch with, hamsters to feed those little pellets to, cows to milk, monkeys to mock, pigs to clean, snakes to avoid, and minks to not make fur coats out of.

Once we've helped 10 million animals, Delruba has assured me that our nation's economy will be strong and we will be able to invade and defeat her native Tajikistan, the nation that harbors the most notorious terrorist, Taylor Jonathan Thomas.

The War Continues... Sort Of

My fellow citizens, the war in Tajikistan hasn't gone so well. Leaders must be wise enough to realize that their people are not up to a challenge. Leaders must be courageous enough to bring the hard truth to their people. And leaders must be prudent enough to pull the plug when doom is impending.

But we will never forgive the Tajik people for what someone who happens to reside within their borders has done. We will never stop fighting against famed terrorist, Taylor Jonathan Thomas. And our war with Tajikistan will continue, for we are a stubbornly proud people. But it will be of that low-intensity variety that's so popular with the young nations these days.

Today's decrees
My new Tajik nurse Delruba will now be an unofficial advisor and influence every decision I make. Not only is she hot, but oh my, what she can do with her tongue!

Every house must now possess one of Delruba's beautiful hand-knit afghans. They're so great! Failure to do so is punishable by death. So far, she's made seven of them and each is more beautiful than the last. Unless, uh, she likes the first one she made the best, then that one's the most beautiful. Well, whichever she likes the best, that one is the most beautiful.

Also, no more yoga pants outside of the yoga studio. Delruba thinks it's tacky.

War Idol

Ryan Seacrest: Welcome to a brand new reality show, War Idol. Each week, you, the audience, will vote which contestants will stay and which will leave. The winner will plan the war with Tajikistan and win a $25,000 recording contract.

Of course, planning this war won't be easy. The Dear and Fearless Leader's country doesn't have any war-ready weapons. So, unconventional ideas are needed. Tonight, our contestants will reveal one idea for the war while performing a hidden talent. Now, let's meet our first contestant. First, we have Precious Ajenta. Precious serves the nation as an accountant. Welcome Precious.

Precious Ajenta: Thanks Ryan.

Ryan: Precious will now hula-hoop while announcing her idea as Friends of Distinction's Going in Circles plays over the loudspeaker. When you're ready, Precious.

Precious [takes deep breath and begins hula-hooping]: We should send hoards of Jehovah's Witnesses over to Tajikistan and have them ring doorbells and preach the wisdom within The Tiny Teal Book.

Ryan: That was wonderful, Precious. A great idea! Was this a fun experience for you?

Precious: It's always fun when I get to please the Dear and Fearless and the nation.

Ryan: Alright, thank you Precious. Next up is Clint Uppenarms. Clint works at McDonald's. How's that job going for you, Clint?

Clint Uppenarms: I live to serve the Dear and Fearless Leader in anyway he sees fit.

Ryan: Alright, Clint. Loosen up buddy. Clint will now present his idea for the war with Tajikistan while performing a walking handstand. Let's see it, Clint.

Clint [walking on his hands]: I propose we send over our women and have them rub their hairy armpits in those ugly Tajik's faces.

Ryan: Interesting idea, Clint.

Today's decrees
I decree that War Idol is hereby canceled. Wow, that show was terrible.

I'd rather pick war ideas out of a hat than continue watching that terrible show. I also, decree that host and executive producer Ryan Seacrest will be killed.

War Plans

My fellow citizens, our war plans have been implemented and, so far, have met with mixed success. Our group of male and female sex tourists, sent to Dushanbe in order to spread genital herpes throughout Tajikistan, has hit a snag. Evidently, the Tajiks don't want to have sex with them. If you've ever seen a Tajik woman, you know what kind of knock to our national pride that truly is.

We sent the bad luck charm, disguised as a good luck charm, from the Amazon Basin. We'll have to see if the corruption-ridden, terrorist-filled, post-Soviet Hades that is Tajikistan will receive bad luck in the near future.

And our polite request for Tajikistan to turn over terrorist # 1, TJT, has been denied. Those dirty Tajik bastards wrote, "We would be willing to help you capture this vicious terrorist, except you have threatened to knee our president in a sensitive area if we should comply. So we will have to respectfully decline in providing your nation any aid at this point."

In all honesty, I should have seen that it was absurd to believe I could plan a war based on callers' suggestions during a one-hour radio program.

Today's decrees
I decree that we create a reality show in order to choose the person who is best qualified to run this unconventional war. The show will be called War Idol and the pilot will air next week.

While its exact content is still in development, we know that there will be several contestants vying for the position and you, the beloved citizens of our great land, will have the opportunity to text in your vote each week. Who says my country isn't democratic?

Ryan Seacrest has been appointed as our new Minister of Ceremonies.

Some Great War Ideas

My fellow citizens, as you know, we are at war with Tajikistan. But we don't have the resources to conduct a conventional war. Well, we had a great hour on the radio on The Randy and Sammy Radio Hour yesterday. I got a lot of ideas from listeners that we can really go with. Here are some:

• Take Tajikistan off all of our maps and relabel it "Palestine"
• Have our kids engage in a canned food drive at their schools. Have them bring the worst canned foods you've got. Dented cans encouraged. Then we'll send them over to Tajikistan
• Make it so that when you google Tajikistan President Emomali Rahmon, the first result comes up, "The frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex"
• Buy lots of tupperware from the Container Store and have our most virile men continuously jerkoff in them. Then we'll Fed Ex the unmarked containers of jizz over to Tajikistan and let them figure out what it is
• Dress up like a pimp with a hidden camera and try to get their leaders to say something incriminating
• Write insensitive tweets about those filthy Tajiks and their reputedly slutty mothers
• Send a guy over there to buy up all their dates. That way when Ramadan rolls around, they won't have dates to break their fast

Today's decrees
Here are some of the better ideas from yesterday's radio show that we're going to go with:

• Send state-sponsored tour groups to Dushanbe to have sex with the Tajiks, thereby giving them genital warts
• Mail them good luck beads from an indigenous tribe located in the Amazon Basin. In reality, they will be bad luck beads from said indigenous tribe located in the Amazon Basin
• Ask Tajikistan nicely to turn over notorious terrorist TJT. Tajikistan agrees. At the meeting where TJT is to be turned over to us, run up and knee the Tajik president in that area right above his penis but below his stomach and run away laughing

I wonder if it's sound policy to publicly announce your war plans in decree form. I know! I decree that our enemies cannot read the above decree.

War

My fellow citizens, when our nation was savagely attacked back on May 6, we all knew this day would come. As a matter of national security, our nation has declared war on the infamous terrorist, Taylor Jonathan Thomas, and his murderous network, al-Boreland. Since al-Boreland is not a state, but an organization largely located on one of those internet web forums, we will attack Tajikistan, which is where TJT is harbored.

No one says this war will be easy. As a nation, we must sacrifice. War demands it. For starters, all of our nation's Tajik restaurants must change the name of their osh to "freedom osh." There will be other, more difficult, sacrifices to come once I think of them.

This will not be a conventional war. Mostly because we don't have any war-ready weapons. Not a one. It also doesn't help that the entire world is on Tajikistan's side. So we're a little short on ideas about how exactly to run the war. We thought about hacking into Tajikistan's government website and drawing stupid-looking mustaches on their leaders. But all of Tajikistan's leaders already have stupid-looking mustaches and none of my minions knew how to hack into a website anyway.

So, I'm opening up to any suggestions that you, my fellow citizens, may have. I'll be on The Randy and Sammy Radio Hour tomorrow at 10am, only on WDFL 103.7, taking your calls on how to run this war. Any and all thoughts are welcomed.

Today's decrees
That's 103.7 at 10am. This is your chance to be the next Donald Rumsfeld.

This war is dedicated to all those who lost their loves as a result of the attacks of May 6, 2011. And Colombo. Oh, Colombo, we really could have used your disheveled ingenuity in planning this war against mastermind terrorist TJT and the nation of Tajikistan. Why did you have to leave us during our hour of discontent?

Our top scientists are undergoing research which seems to suggest that Mountain Dew shrinks your balls. This could very well be the miracle treatment to cure our nationwide genital warts epidemic. Smaller balls = Smaller genital warts. I would encourage all male citizens to drink copious amounts of Mountain Dew.

I Hate the Nightlife

My fellow citizens, I'm sure you are well aware that we are fighting a vicious terrorist named Taylor Jonathan Thomas and his dangerous network al Bore-Land, who are out to destroy our land until our we offer better nightlife options. Well, we will never succumb to the pressures of deranged maniacs. Instead, we will do what any great nation would do and go way overboard in the other direction.

Today's decrees
We will attack Tajikistan, a nation harboring TJT. Just not now. At this moment, Tajikistan is like the most popular girl in high school and we're like the dorky dimwitted short kid who always wears sweatpants and knows every sports statistic ever conceived. But as soon as the rest of the world is not on Tajikistan's side, we're attacking!

The "I Love My Mother" Act is now law. It includes the following:

All alcohol is banned. If a devious organization such as al Bore-Land wants a more active nightlife, then doing the exact opposite must be the right thing to do.

Dancing is banned. Unless, you're really really good.

An 11pm curfew will be in effect unless you are going out to get a Slurpee or going to the Taco Bell.

Painful Accusations

My fellow citizens, a disturbing accusation has been made against your country. A so-called Dr. Homo von vander Schnitzel has performed a bit of sacrilege by claiming that the attacks of May 6 were not responsible for the genital warts epidemic that has engulfed our nation.

First, let's look at the so-called Dr. von vander Schnitzel. Did you know he got his medical degree from Harvard University. What happened Doc, couldn't get into Yale? Plus, his name is ridiculous. How can a man named Homo conduct accurate tests about heterosexual sex? It makes sense if you don't think about the logic of that comment too long.

Think about the implications of Homo von vander Schnitzel's accusations. How could I give the entire country genital warts? It's like I devised an intricate plan of systematic mass rape as a means to enter even the most private moments of my citizens in a show of unstoppable state control.

I mean, c'mon! This plays right into the hands of the world's number one terrorist, Taylor Jonathan Thomas.

In unrelated news, Dr. Homo von vander Schnitzel has just been taken into custody for jaywalking.

Today's decrees
All cars with a license plate that has the letters "TJT" please report to the DMV by Tuesday for a new license plate. Otherwise you will be viewed as supporting terrorism.

Jaywalking is now considered a capital offense.

If your restaurant claims it closes at 10pm, it better not close at a quarter of!

Those Bossy IFIs

Hello, dear citizens. Like you, I thought that receiving aid from the international financial institutions was a godsend, particularly in the wake of those heinous attacks that took place on May 6. But the IFIs have acted like bullies. They want to dictate policy. They say future aid depends on it.

When I accepted the aid, I thought it was a charitable gesture to help an impoverished nation overcome a recent tragedy. Instead, it was a mechanism to manipulate us. In fact, these IFI jerk-offs are so nefarious, one institutional head even raped one of our chambermaids in a local hotel. Hey buster, that's my job!

Today's decrees
I will now institute a policy of pretending to adhere to the IFIs' wishes while really just doing whatever the hell I want. You know, the status quo.

I have assumed a new official title: The Raper of Virgins.

Tomorrow will be Memorial Day, to honor the victims of the attacks of May 6. Tuesday will be Genital Warts Treatment Day. Half price antibiotics for all!