Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Good & Plenty

My fellow citizens, I am here to report my Good & Plenty findings. As you recall, studies have shown the smell of the candy Good & Plenty makes women 40% more sexually aroused than normal. So, I decided to give it a try because I was tired of raping.

I encountered a problem right away. How do I keep the smell of Good & Plenty on me? Plus, was the candy-coated shell responsible for the increase in sexual arousal or the underlying licorice?

I tried rubbing some pellets all over me and then heading out for a night on the town, but women were repulsed by me. I carried a handful with me, but they kept slipping out of my grasp and women tended to think I was holding a bunch of rufis. Next, I decided to stick some Good & Plenty in my pocket, but the heat in our great nation at this time of year is unbearable. The candy melted in my pocket, ruining my pants.

Next, I decided to tape pellets of Good & Plenty to my body. It actually worked! I managed to convince a woman to come back to my palace. But when I took off my shirt, she was pretty freaked out at the sight of white and purple capsules taped to my body and she left. For the next half hour, I was in complete agony every time I ripped off the tape from my hirsute body.

In a last ditch effort to make use of this sexual knowledge, I decided to keep a few Good & Plenty in my mouth. But the taste was so terrible, I started violently retching all over the women near me.

So, alas, I'm back to raping people. Or as we euphemistically call it " engaging in unwitting sexual relations."

Today's decrees
The ban on the sale of Good & Plenty has been lifted. Knock yourselves out. Just don't eat that shit.

Guys who wear muscle shirts before they get the muscles will have their skin ripped off their bodies.

Tomorrow will be a national day of morning for my valiant opposition in this year's presidential election. Coincidentally, all have died since announcing their presidential challenge. Here's to you Betty Buxom, Oboto Chiluba, Willard Newton, and Ronna Paulo.

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