Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Review of the State of the Union Address

Note to President Bush: The word you're looking for is history, not histry. Also, again nuclear, not nucular.

Mr. Bush began the speech preaching bi-partisanship and then gave a nearly entirely conservative agenda. He again called for bi-partisanship, but on his own terms.

Mr. Bush reserved the right to attack any country that is not "democratic." However, he did urge the Iranian people to stand up against their government, instead of threatening attack as he did with Iraq.

There was one reference to the destruction caused by Hurricane Katrina. It came nearly 50 minutes into a 51 minute speech. It lasted less than one minute. I think this further proves the goverment's lack of concern for the people of the Gulf Coast.

The only bright spot of the speech came when Mr. Bush called for research for alternative energy and to lessen America's dependence on foreign oil. However, following through with this pledge is another thing entirely.

Monday, January 30, 2006

The Cry For Justice

The cry of the racist: I do not see races, we are all human.

The cry of the imperialist: Nation-states are not an important part of identity.

The cry of the oppressor: Christmas is a secular holiday.

The cry of the sexist: Men and women have equal opportunity.

The cry of the ignorant: History has not bearing on today.

Friday, January 27, 2006

Hunger Strike

I've been on a hunger strike and a sleep strike for much of this past week. Something was missing though. But the purpose of life is learning. Twenty four years on this earth have taught me many invaluable lessons. This week I've learned yet another lesson. Before beginning a hunger or a sleep strike, you should at least choose some kind of cause to strike for. Publicity doesn't hurt either. Now, I'm off to the MacDonalds. Then a nap.


There is only one person I know more anti-Semitic than I am. But keep in mind, I didn't really know Hitler.

She is also a Jew. Take a bow Grandma!

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Some Scary Shit

"There is no shame in this solution which prevents the wasting of billions of dollars that have gone to those with influence and merchants of war in America who have supported Bush's election campaign."

- Osama bin Laden

I think it's scary when we've reached the point where bin Laden is more reasonable than Bush.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Report From the Sidelines

In an effort to return to my roots as an investigative journalist, this just in.

Hubert Davis, who was a part of the 1993 NCAA men's basketball champion University of North Carolina Tar Heels, and had a distinguished NBA career as a three-point shooting specialist for the New York Knicks, and now announces the WAC game of the week on ESPN on Mondays at 12:00am eastern time, sounds like Xzibit.

Monday, January 23, 2006

Bad Refs

There has been a rash of bad officiating in American sports of late. Ok, two really really really bad calls.

The first came a week ago in the Colts-Steelers game. Troy Polamalu of Pittsburgh picked Peyton Manning's pass. He fell to the ground. He rolled over. He played banjo while on the ground. He called all of his friends on his cell. He named every American president in history. Then he got up to run with the ball. His knee inadvertently knocked the ball out of his grasp. The ref reviewed the play. He stared at the play, watching it in slow motion, again and again.

Then he decided it was an incomplete pass. No, seriously, he did! It wasn't on the fly, he reviewed it that way!

Yesterday, Tom Penders, head coach of Houston, fainted during the game. The refs gave him a technical foul, I guess assuming he was faking. As Penders was carted off, after he was resuscitated, the refs did not rescind the technical.

Both are terrible.

Friday, January 20, 2006

Stephen Colbert Is A Thief

I was just watching the Colbert Report (the T's are silent), when I saw this:

It's true because it rhymes.

That is my phrase! I also say that! I don't get credit for anything. One day, all of these thieves that steal my many catch phrases will feel my wrath. This wrath will come in the form of biting sarcasm directed at these thieves. Oh, and believe you me, the sarcasm will be biting.

Stephen Colbert, you're dead to me.

Harsh Sentence

Antonio Davis of the New York Knicks was suspended five games for entering the stands during overtime of the Knicks' game in Chicago with the Bulls. He believed his wife was being harassed by a Bulls' fan. He confronted the fan, but took no action. Davis' wife and son calmed him down. He was immediately ejected from the contest in accordance with NBA guidelines.

He should not have been suspended. He does have a great reputation as a person and is the president of the players union, so he is clearly responsible. He believed his family was in danger, which was more important than a basketball game at that moment. Nothing resulted from his entrance into the crowd. Plus, he already received punishment when he was ejected from the game.

I do understand a one game suspension, because of the brawl in Detroit last season. It would send a message to the NBA players that there will be repercussions for entering the stands, but they can feel comfortable protecting their family members if need be.

A five game suspension, which has been admittedly reduced from a potentially harsher sentence because of Davis' reputation, only provokes fans further. This Bulls fan threatened Davis' wife, provoking Antonio to come to her defense, causing a five game suspension. Had he reacted violently, he would be suspended for the season. There is nothing stopping fans from continuing this provocation. NBA players stand to lose much more than fans do. It is simply not fair to these players to hold them to such a higher standard than the rest of us. As this instance shows, if a player so much as tries to be by his wife's side during an argument, he faces a five game suspension, if he has a good reputation.

David Stern has taken his role as task master a bit too seriously of late.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

A Win For the Ages

Many talented teams have passed through the gym at Goucher College since I first arrived on the campus in 2000. At 0-13, this year's team does not fit that category.

Mary Washington beat Goucher consistently by 20 when we were good. So, everything pointed towards a Goucher loss of epic proportions. Except there was one problem, no one told Goucher's men basketball team.

This was the first game that I had been to this season. I knew we were undersized, but we started five guards. Predictably, Mary Washington took an early lead. Then entered a couple of big men. This opened the floor up for our shooters. The game was tied at the half.

Back and forth the two teams went until the end of the game. Mary Washington's Lee stroked a jumper straddling the three point line with four seconds to go.

Four timeouts later, Goucher in bounded the ball to Jon G. He ran up the court, double teamed. He rose up 30-feet away from the basket. Two players' hands were in his face. The ball flew towards the hoop. And... it... went... in.

We danced around like we had just won the championship, instead of pulling off the first win of a dismal season. The first of many to come.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Being Against War is Not Crazy

I was, am, and will be against the Afghanistan war. I don't have to qualify my opposition to the Iraq war by saying, "look at me, I'm sane, I was all for the Afghanistan war."

The simple fact of the matter is that the attacks of September 11, 2001 were a horrific event in a long line of reciprocal violence. Continuing that violence only opens us up for future attack. If we did not respond violently, al-Qaeda would have no justification to attack us. World opinion would have shifted towards us and al-Qaeda would be rendered powerless.

Terrorists rely on either the assistance or the apathy of national governments. If these governments have no reason to harm the United States, then they would not help the terrorists.

Were we not to go to war, there would be many more people of all nationalities alive, we would be less fearful of another attack now, and the world would be with us.

I think short women are responsible for war. Believe me, I know.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

The Best

Stephan Marbury began it. He claimed that he was the best point guard in the NBA. Willis McGahee continued it. He called himself the best running back in the NFL. Now, Brian Scheider has brought it to an embarrassing level. For me.

What is it? It is: players on my favorite teams declaring themselves the best in the world at their respective positions. Schneider, after signing a four year contract with the Washington Nats, asserted, "I am the best catcher in the major leagues."* Schneider is a great defensive catcher. I felt he should have won the gold glove award last season. What was striking, was what Schneider said next.

"Yeah, I'm the best hitter of all time. I make Babe Ruth look like a Jew that is going to Hell according to our team pastor or whatever we call that weird guy who touches little boys inappropriately."*

That's right, Schneider did the unthinkable, considering himself a better batter than BABE RUTH! Schneider is an average hitting catcher at best. He showed flashes last year, but isn't even in the top 5 offensively for catchers nowadays. Just be happy with your new contract Brian, it's great to have you back.

* - This is a paraphrase of what Brian Schneider said. He probably used some of these words in some kind of order, I would guess.

Monday, January 16, 2006

Stop WAR in Montgomery County

Yet again some racist fucks spray painted their messages of hate in my county. I don't know where this hatred comes from. Clearly these people have issues. But if they don't talk, how will we know how they view the world and why they hate certain groups fo people?


Friday, January 13, 2006

My Thoughts On Jesus

Jesus preached peace and love for his fellow humans. His teachings are an ideal for each human being on this earth to attempt to aspire too. He spoke about turning the other cheek and loving your enemies. Thus, killing in his name would be the opposite of what he wanted. Also, since he preached about loving everyone, you Christians might want to stop saying "God hates Fags." Jesus, your god, loved everyone. You hate. Hate is the opposite of love. So you are doing the opposite of what your god expects of you. You can follow the same logic with killing people.

Plus, saying God hates Fags hurts the feelings of Florida State Wide Receiver De'Cody Fagg. Don't worry, God loves you De'Cody. Also, it's offensive, because Jesus was gay.

Why would you say that god hates De'Cody Fagg? What did he ever do to you? And gays didn't do anything to you either. Listen to Jesus, quit douching up the neighborhood!

Thursday, January 12, 2006

Let's Seprarate Soccer From Neo-Nazism, Thanks

I am an American, so by definition, G-d blesses me, I can run 100 meters very fast- but don't know when to stop running,- I don't know that Salvador Dali was an artist- painter, sculptor, etc.,- and I hate soccer.

However, it occurred to me recently that perhaps I am a "citizen" of the world. So, I started getting into soccer, following some of the European leagues. As I learned more, I discovered that some of the teams have neo-Nazi fans. Unfortunately, I don't know enough to know which teams have neo-Nazi followings. I kind of don't want to root for those teams.

It puts a Jew (or a non-neo-Nazi) in an awkward position. I want to be a soccer fan, but I don't want to be a neo-Nazi. It's a tough one. My solution would be for the neo-Nazis to separate their neo-Nazism from their soccer-watching.

That way you can still be neo-Nazis and I can watch soccer and not worry about your ideology during the sporting contest. We can be fans together in peace. Except that I'm Jewish; so maybe not.

Hmm. How about this: you stop being a neo-Nazi, grow some hair, put the weapons away, and educate yourself. The Jews did not steal your money, the Arabs did not steal your job, and blacks are human beings. I don’t want to say that you’re responsible for all your own problems, but what’s 2+2? No, it’s not 7. Do you see what I mean, you’re not the brightest skinhead in the neo-Nazi collective. Sorry, not a great metaphor.

You know what, this isn't worth it. I'm sticking with basketball. GO KNICKS!

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Letterman Puts Bill O'Reilly In His Place

David Letterman, at the risk of ratings, stuck it to Bill O'Reilly on "The Late Show" January 3, 2006. Letterman was funny, yet delivered an important message. He exposes the ridiculousness of O'Reilly's arguments. Letterman expressed sympathy for Cindy Sheehan, who lost her son in the Iraq war. By doing so, he exposed O'Reilly's nonsensical arguments. O'Reilly considers Sheehan a puppet of left-wing radicals and accuses her of sympathizing with the insurgents in Iraq. Letterman sees Sheehan as a grieving mother, who exerted her right to freedom of speech. In my opinion, Mr. Letterman's take on Ms. Sheehan is more accurate than Mr. O'Reilly's.

Here are some links:
this one doesn't have the entire interview, but it has an interesting article.
copy and paste the link below, it's the official CBS link and it has the entire interview.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

The Probability That I Will Be A Serial Killer

Reasons why I will be a serial killer:

  • I'm kind of a loner.
  • I keep odd hours.
  • I like yelling.
  • Little ridiculous things piss me off. For example, Tom peeks into the house that Jerry is staying in and sees a fire blasting in the fireplace. Tom decides to enter the house through the chimney. YOU JUST SAW THAT THERE WAS A FIRE GOING IN THE FIREPLACE YOU STUPID CAT! Of course, Jerry fans the fire further once he notices Tom in the chimney. Goddamn!
  • I get angry sometimes.
  • I have a constant conversation in my head. That's ok, but sometimes I get too excited with what I'm thinking and start thinking out loud. You would say that I talk to myself.
  • White.
  • I have spurts where I just hate people in general.
  • Movies tend to influence me greatly.
  • I don't like puppies. (Scared of 'em.)
  • I have a car with a roomy trunk.

Reasons why I will not be a serial killer:

  • I don't say hello to my neighbors.
  • Enough people would have suspected it.
  • I hate people because I wish peace for the world and people (for example George Bush) make that aim difficult.
  • Jewish. Fuck, David Berkowitz, the Son of Sam killer, never mind.
  • I don't like cereal. (That would've been funnier if I wasn't writing this. Plus, I do like cereal).
  • I'm too cute.
  • My favorite beverage is Slurpees.
  • If I make a promise, I must keep it. So, if you know me, just make me promise not to kill you.
  • My New Year's Resolution is to have no one I know die this year. The chances of that are enhanced if I don't kill anyone I know.
  • I don't like interacting with strangers.
  • I received my moral foundation from the Cosby Show.
  • Hey, hey, c'mon!
  • I have no desire to be a serial killer. You really have to want it. I don't.
  • I don't own a gun.
  • I am morally against the killing of anyone for any reason.

Will I be a serial killer?
Probably, all I can say is that I'm not coming anywhere near you.
No you won't. I want to have your baby.
Free polls from Pollhost.com

Monday, January 09, 2006

Accident in Pennsylvania

There is a report out of Pennsylvania that a man ran into a telephone pole with his car last night. When asked by police about what had happened, the man replied that he swerved off of the road towards the telephone pole because he thought the pole was a person.

This further proves my point that people from Pennsylvania suck and Marylanders are awesome and way better than Pennsylvanians.

What the Fuck?

You know those racist PSP commercials making fun of Latinos and blacks and probably other peoples? That shit's fucked up. Not funny. It just plays off of very stupid simplistic stereotypes. Fuck that.

Sunday, January 08, 2006

To My Fellow Marylanders

To my fellow Marylanders: Can we get rid of the confederate flags? Maryland never seceded from the Union. We really don't have an excuse to display it. We can't say, "We're just showing our southern pride." We weren't the south; that's what not seceding from the Union means.

Sure there were Marylanders (white Marylanders) who fought for the confederacy, but the state of Maryland was loyal to the Union. So, displaying that flag pretty much just advocates re-enslaving black people. Not cool.

Let's leave the confederate flag ridiculousness to Pennsylvania and New York.
After all, our state motto is:
We're Maryland, we don't support slavery, anymore!

Saturday, January 07, 2006

NFL Playoff Predictions

Wild Card Round

3) Tampa Bay 24 - 21
6) Washington

4) New York
5) Carolina 28 - 17

Divisional Round

2) Chicago
3) Tampa Bay 13-7

1) Seattle 34-14
5) Carolina

Conference Championship

1) Seattle 28 - 16
3) Tampa Bay

Wild Card Round

3) Cincinnati
6) Pittsburgh 20 - 17

4) New England 23 - 21
5) Jacksonville

Divisional Round

1) Indianapolis 31 - 16
6) Pittsburgh

2) Denver
4) New England 28 - 27

Conference Championship

1) Indianapolis 28 - 24
4) New England

Super Bowl XL
Indianapolis 31
Seattle 21

Friday, January 06, 2006

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Flutie Magic

Former Buffalo Bills quarterback Doug Flutie drop kicked an extra point through the goalposts last Sunday for the New England Patriots. This is yet another in a long line of magical moments by Flutie. That begs the question:

How awesome is Doug Flutie?
Doug Flutie is very awesome.
Doug Flutie is pretty damn awesome.
Doug Flutie is awesome, but I suck.
Doug Flutie is really awesome and so am I, but George Bush isn't.
Doug Flutie is not that awesome and I am a really big douche.
Doug Flutie is awesome, but his retarded son isn't.
Doug Flutie is awesome and his retarded son is ok.
This was meaningless and senseless, but yes, Doug Flutie is awesome.
Free polls from Pollhost.com

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

New City

If I could name a city, I'd name it Rabbi Schlomo.

Hey, you got to name places after saints such as John, Thomas, Martin, Louis, Joe, Anthony, and Frank. I'm not saying anything new.

Sunday, January 01, 2006

New Year's Resolutions

I have two.

1) I have this one every year: To not get a woman pregnant.

2) To have no one I know die this year. You might think I can't do anything about it, but I can increase my chances by not killing anyone I know.

So basically, let's keep the status quo.