Tuesday, November 30, 2010


"Run faster."

One of the group of ten guys muttered under his breath as I ran by. They were probably in college or just recently finished. I decided the comment wasn't insulting enough for me to make a scene. But I secretly vowed that if they said anything offensive to me on my way back, I wouldn't hesitate to do something about it.

I ran back and the group had thinned to five. I kept my pace and minded my own business. They seemed to ignore me until I started hearing cat calls. "Hey girl." I took one more stride and stopped.

I turned around and began walking back to the group. "What's up?" I yelled. "What's up?" The biggest guy, who was probably twice my size, took the lead. "We're just fucking around." I didn't here him at first. I took a couple of steps closer to him and asked once against, "What's up?" He repeated. Another guy, to my left, explained that a girl had run by earlier and they were just making jokes about it as I ran by.

I accepted the explanation and felt I had made my point. I had stood up to them and they had backed down. Gandhiji would have been proud of this nonviolent confrontation. But I still seethed as I got home. I paced the house searching for a baseball bat. I had visions of driving back there, bat in hand and screaming, "I'm just fucking around! This is how I fuck around!" as I swung the bat wildly at each of the five guys.

I managed to calm myself down and accept that I had done the right thing.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Another Heartbreaking Loss

The Bills hung in there with the Steelers. In fact, they came back from 13 points down and hit a game tying field goal to send the game into overtime.

In OT, the Bills were so close to winning. After running the kickoff back to the 50-yard line, the Bills couldn't get a first down. Brian Moorman kicked the ball to the Steelers 4 yardline. After a solid defensive stand, the Bills were poised to get great field position. But the punt return was muffed and the Bills had to start on their own 34.

Ryan Fitzpatrick threw a perfect pass to Superstar Stevie Johnson that was dropped in the endzone. Later, Fitzpatrick was sacked, losing just enough yards to render a field goal attempt out of the question. The Steelers then drove down and scored the game winning field goal. Three of the last four Bills losses have been in overtime and all 4 have been by 3 points each.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

The Taliban Imposter

In case you missed it, the Nato-led Coalition of the Reluctant, who engaging in Operation Why Are We Still Here in Afghanistan, thought they were negotiating with a representative of the Taliban. As it turned out, the representative was an imposter. Some critics have said the negotiators should've realized it was an imposter when he asked for "a schmeer of lox" on his bagel. The Taliban imposter also complained that it was "too hot" and that his beard was "itchy."

Witnesses have described the Taliban imposter as "looking like Woody Allen with a beard." His real name is Brian Schneiderberg from Long Island. He works in his dad's belt business and loves baseball, particularly the Mets. Schneiderberg said he traveled to Afghanistan and disguised himself as a representative of the Taliban so his mother would have "something to brag about when talking to Sarah Moskowitz's mother."

Schneiderberg is charged with impersonating the enemy. If convicted, his punishment will be the removal of his earring.

Friday, November 26, 2010

Black Friday Activities

One of these years I think I'm going to do some Black Friday shopping. I'm not much of a shopper. I hate crowds. But I would love to go around knocking over gentiles without fear of retribution or reprimand.

Oh, you want that PSP for a Christmas present for your little grandson Jimmy? BAM! Take that old lady!

Thursday, November 25, 2010

A Classroom Mystery

I was in the classroom with a 6-year old boy. It was just me and him. No one else was there. I was sitting at the computer and he was in a chair to the side of the desk.

The boy lets out an audible fart. He pauses for a second, points, and says, "You did it!"

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Lost in My Thoughts

I was in the middle of my run. It was 12:45am. I like to run at night because no one else is out at that hour. The full moon had a curious ring of reflected light around it.

I was lost in my own world as I continued to run. I was reminiscing about the marathons I've run. Particularly the moment when I would hit the wall and subsequently get passed by scores of old fat ladies who would invariably say, "Keep it up, you're doing great!" When those ladies passed, two words would come to mind beginning with "F" and ending with "u".

I was so involved in my thoughts that those two words escaped my lips in the form of a shout whisper. Of course, a man was running across the street in the opposite direction at that very moment. His muddled retort snatched me back into reality.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

7-11 Stories

I was standing in line at the 7-11, sipping my Slurpee. Two white kids were holding up the line as their various IDs were rejected. One of them sported a bit of buzzed blonde hair. He inexplicably had an earring in his left ear. He noticed a buddy behind me in line.

"Haven't seen you in a minute," called the buddy behind me. I hadn't heard that expression in a minute.

I stopped listening for a few moments. Then I heard the kid with the earring say, "I'm mad tight with my parents, so I'm living with them now. We weren't so tight before, so I was like, yo, fuck that shit."

I don't remember 1996 being that great a year. But maybe if you were too young to notice, 1996 seems mad tight yo. Mad tight enough to be stuck in it.

Monday, November 22, 2010

The Bills are 2-8!

The Bills won their second straight game yesterday. After trailing the Begals 28-7, the Bills won 49-31. My fantasy football opponent had Superstar Stevie Johnson. Fortunately for me, he sat Johnson, who had an incredible game.

The march to 8-8 is on!

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Pacquiao, Martinez-Williams

After Pacquiao knocked out Ricky Hatton, I was impressed, but I doubted he'd be able to beat the bigger welterweights out there. He had proven he was the top junior welterweight, and I figured he'd do well against smaller welters, but not against Cotto, Clottey, and especially not Margarito. Those were the names I had in mind then. Pacquiao must've read my mind. For me, the win over the granite-chinned defensive wizard, Joshua Clottey, made me a believer. It's now assumed that Clottey didn't come to fight, but Pacquiao took the will from a determined fighter on that night.

I've switched back and forth between Pacquiao and Mayweather as my pound-for-pound number one after each of their fights for the past year. Pacquiao's destruction of the enormous and capable Antonio Margarito edges Mayweather for the top spot in my mind for now. But I'm a little tired of the Pacquiao-jocking. He is great, but some of the compliments are absurd. Pacquiao was actually complimented for laying off of Margarito in the 12th round. I don't mind him doing it, but the same folks complimenting Pacquiao for that crush Mayweather when he coasts to victory. It's hypocritical.

Sergio Martinez's 2nd round knockout win over Paul Williams thoroughly impressed (and surprised) me. He threw a left hand similar to the one that felt like a full on headbutt to Kermit Cintron. He's moved up to the number three pound-for-pound spot for me. The Ring still has Martinez ranked as the best junior middleweight, but his announcement that he wouldn't fight Pacquiao or Mayweather at anything less than 156, and the fact that he hasn't fought at junior middleweight for well over a year, should mean that he is removed from the rankings in that division.

The odd thing about boxing is that Paul Williams might be the one to get a shot at either Pacquiao or Mayweather after this loss. The 6'2" southpaw pressure-fighter was knocked out by a shorter guy with a ton of speed. He's still a credible opponent for either man and now he finally looks vulnerable. I'm still holding out hope that Pacquiao and Mayweather fight each other though. Call me naive.

In any event, what a great time for boxing.

Friday, November 19, 2010

A Threat from a Jew

I had just made potentially the wittiest insult the world had ever experienced. It was one of those comebacks that show the divine power of words. A gun shot wouldn't have done as much damage.

"I'm going to kick your ass," whined my victim, "And that's not a threat!"
"But it is a threat," I retorted with a look of feigned confusion.
"It's not a threat; I'm really going to kick your ass."
"Regardless, you're still threatening me."
"No. I'm saying I'm not threatening you. I'm going to kick your ass."
"You might want to look up the word "threaten" in a dictionary."
"What do you mean?"
"Whether you intend to kick my ass or not, you're still threatening me. The act of threatening someone does not depend on whether or not you carry out that threat."
"Well then, I'm threatening you and I'm going kick your ass."
"There you go. That makes more sense."

And then it occurred to me. Before engaging in a physical confrontation, of course two Jews would first argue over semantics about what constitutes a threat.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Mayweather and Pacquiao are Great

The possibility of Manny Pacquiao facing Floyd Mayweather has held the boxing world hostage for the past year or so. Much has been discussed about the two boxers. However, one aspect has been missing. That is of their utter greatness.

You can make an argument that, based on their common opponents, Pacquiao is better. He knocked out Ricky Hatton in far fewer rounds than did Mayweather, and earned a KO over Oscar De La Hoya, while Mayweather settled for a split decision. But we can say the same thing for Mayweather. He destroyed Juan Manuel Marquez, who fought Pacquiao twice- one resulting in a draw, the other in a controversial split decision. Pacquiao rearranged Antonio Margarito's face, but only Shane Mosley has ever KOed Margarito. Mayweather embarrassed Mosley last May.

We can even manipulate the above arguments to show different results. Pacquiao beat a drained De La Hoya, while Mayweather faced a fresher version. Marquez had to jump two weight divisions to fight Mayweather, while he fought Pacquiao at his natural weight.

The point is: both are great. The top 5 welterweights, from the time period after Mayweather briefly retired until Pacquaio fought at 147, were Mosley, Margarito, Miguel Cotto, Joshua Clottey, and Andre Berto. Mayweather destroyed Mosley. Pacquiao dominated the next three. There's no one at 154 to challenge either. I fear if any of the golden 4 at 140 took on Pacquiao or Mayweather, they would be beaten to a pulp.

Besides each other, the only legitimate challengers are Paul Williams and Sergio Martinez. Those two are fighting for the middleweight championship this weekend. That's how great Pacquaio and Mayweather are. They're (kind of small) welterweights and only the two top middleweights (2 of the 5 boxers pound-for-pound by the way) can seemingly even pose a challenge to either man.

Hopefully Pacquiao and Mayweather find their way into the ring against each other. But if not, maybe they'll take on Williams and Martinez. They've beaten every other apparently legitimate challenge they've faced.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Addressing Gategate

Let me tell you, it's a tough job, this running a country business. Just last week I was enjoying an evening with some lovely women, celebrating the accomplishment of creating a democracy. In one short week, I am in the process of experiencing my second scandal of the past few days.

You may have come across an Assorted Press story implying that I am responsible for the murder of three men. People are calling it Gategate. These accusations are absurd. Why would I have men killed, cut up, and sent to the factory to have their remains be made into a gate? Just because they possibly embarrassed me, endangering the nation? Or because they opposed my policies?

Puh-leeze. This nation is a democracy. I value dissent... as long as it's expressed in an appropriate manner. Now, these men might have been killed by my supporters, but I cannot be expected to control the actions of everyone who supports me. I am a very handsome, intelligent, hygienic, sensual, and wise leader. But I am not a god; I cannot force anyone to do anything. Don't blame me.

Today's decrees
A word of caution to my beloved citizens: Check yourself before you wreck yourself.

The gate industry has been nationalized.

The military will here'n-now adopt a new policy called: Ask, Tell, and Go to Jail. John McCain supports it.

Monday, November 15, 2010

The Voters Appreciation Day Scandal Continues

By: The Assorted Press

Three men were found impaled in a fence last night. An eye witness to the discovery described the men as "more gate than men," when they were found.

All three men attended the Voters Appreciation Day party held last week and hosted by the Dear and Fearless Leader. In addition, all three men had voiced opposition to the Dear and Fearless Leader's policies over the past few months.

Some have speculated that these men have fallen victim as part of a crackdown against an alleged whistleblower who produced tape recorded inappropriate comments made by the Dear and Fearless Leader at the aforementioned party.

However, it is unknown whether the Dear and Fearless Leader has had any hand in the apparent murder of these three men. But many see the connections as rather damning circumstantial evidence against the Dear and Fearless Leader.

Pundits are labeling this new scandal involving the murdered men Gategate. More details on Gategate as they come about.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

The Bills are... FINALLY!

The Buffalo Bills won their first game of the season today. That is great news. It's just too bad it happened in week 10. Fred Jackson had a big day. When I heard they had won, after giving up a last minute touchdown to Detroit, but preventing the Lions from scoring the two-point conversion, I pumped my fist and yelled, "Yes!" as I was driving through Virginia.

Then I let out a big sigh. The Bills won't go winless this season. Whew.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

To North Carolina

Three Jews and a Mexican drive down to North Carolina in a Prius with the Tin Hat Trio's Fear of the South playing the background. Sounds like the start to a bad horror movie. Or my life.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Gas Station Stories

I got gas a couple of days ago. I saw a car with a young man donning a backwards hat, a scruffy goatee, and a cross tattoo on his forearm, sitting in his car with a look of consternation on his face. I thought that was weird for 1:30 in the morning, but figured his girlfriend must've broken up with him or something.

After I finished filling up, he got out of his car and approached me. He didn't have much gas and needed to get to Hyattsville. I though, what luck, you're at a gas station. But it turned out that he didn't have any money. He did, however, have weed.

Just his luck, he found the one man in America getting gas at 1:30 in the morning who doesn't smoke weed. I did let him bum a couple of dollars worth of gas from me though and he was more than grateful. As he pulled off, he asked in disbelief, "You really don't smoke weed?"

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Voters Appreciation Day Allegations

Dear citizens. I have been accused of saying some rather outlandish things at the party to celebrate Voters Appreciation Day a couple of days ago. My accuser(s) have tape recorded my voice at the party and experts have determined that it is not a fake and cannot have been anyone other than me.

My fellow co-nationalists, I admit that I made those regrettable comments. However, they were taken grossly out of context. Yes, beautiful women were present at the party, but keep in mind, my life is not that far away from your own. Remember, the celebration was in your honor (your invitation was probably lost in the mail). Furthermore, this enormous breech of national security affects you. Do we want to give our enemies information that could potentially harm or embarrass us?

In response to this egregious and wanton disregard for national security, I must take action. Up until this point, I have been a staunch supporter of gay rights. Newsweek even did an article about it, written by Fareed Zakaria, called A Pro-Gay Rights Dictator: The Dear and Fearless Leader's rare show of humanity. That's what makes this change of heart so difficult. But if you're "outing" me for loving the ladies, then you're probably gay. Plus, I could really use a new scapegoat.

Today's decrees
No more gay marriage. No more hair stylists or theatre actors. No more well dressed men. All banned.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Excerpts from the Voters Appreciation Day Party

Our Dear and Fearless Leader declared yesterday to be Voters Appreciation Day. He then threw a party to honor the country's move to democracy. Here are some excerpts from that party that were tape recorded by an anonymous attendee.

Dear and Fearless Leader: "TITTIES! Big or small, round or pointy, I love 'em! Come girls, rub them in my face."

Dear and Fearless Leader: "Bring that sweet ass over here baby, so I can smack it in the name of democracy!"

Dear and Fearless Leader: "How 'bout this. I'll shake up this bottle of Diet Caffeine Free Coke and spray it on you like those guys in the music videos."

Dear and Fearless Leader: "You know, it's great to be the unquestioned leader of a nation, if for no other reason than women will do anything for you for fear of death if they don't comply. It sure makes up for my love life before I became a dictator."

Dear and Fearless Leader: "Thong, thong, thong, thong, thong."

Tuesday, November 09, 2010

Wildlife Conservation in Tanzania

In the West, it is in vogue to advocate for wild animals in Africa. But there is more than meets the eye to this issue.

In Tanzania, national parks and game reserves have been used as a weapon of colonialism. The Meru in northern Tanzania rely on the land to subsist. In fact, their ethnicity is not based on heredity, but is based on a connection with Mount Meru. But much of Mount Meru was taken over, first by the colonial government, and then kept by the independent Tanzanian government.

The lack of land has rendered the Meru into a state of poverty. Ironically, the Meru have traditional shied away from hunting bigger game that conservation organizations hope to protect.

In addition, whites have a long history of hunting wild game in Africa. At the same time, African hunting has been targeted. When whites hunted, it was considered a sport. When Africans hunted for food, it was considered barbaric.

The point is not to condemn wildlife conservation in anyway. Instead, the point is to bring the difficult consequences of wildlife conservation into the discourse.
(The HQT-IE)

Monday, November 08, 2010

Our Nation is Democratic

This is a great day for our nation, fellow citizens. No one can doubt that we are a country committed to democracy. I would like to thank every citizen who voted. Your vote is a show of defiance against our critics who brand us with names such as "autocratic," "totalitarian," and "backshit crazy." You have endorsed my rule with a resounding 145.7% of the vote. I've heard of giving 110%, but your validation of my time in office is ridiculously generous.

Today's decrees
It is decreed that tomorrow will be known as Voters Appreciation Day.

Voters Appreciation Day will celebrate the sacrifice and courage that all voters exhibited in coming out to vote for me. The festivities will take the form of a small party in my gorgeous backyard featuring beautiful scantily clad women. The party is by invitation only, so check your mailboxes!

Sunday, November 07, 2010

The Bills are 0-8

The last two Bills losses have been heartbreaking. The Bills were driving in the 4th against the Kansas Chiefs when Fitzpatrick threw an interception when the team was on the Chiefs 40. Rian Lindell misses a 50+ yard field goal and the Chiefs knocked one through the uprights with time running out in overtime.

Today, the Bills scored to close the lead to within 14-13. Lindell's extra point attempt was blocked, the first PAT miss of his career. The Bills scored, but missed the two-point conversion to take 19-14 lead. But the Chicago Bears scored late, made the two-point conversion and won 22-19. The Bills scored as many times as the Bears, both had 3 TDs, but the extra point fiasco was the difference.

The 0-8 Bills have lost three straight games by three points, two of them in overtime. We're getting close. But half the season is gone without a win. Anxiety is creeping in.

Friday, November 05, 2010

Super Six Thankfully Continues

Many fans and writers have called for an end to the Super Six super middleweight round robin and tournament. I don't understand this sentiment in the least. Imagine you have a harem of six beautiful women. Three of the six leave and are replaced by two (less) attractive women. Scrapping the tournament would be like abandoning your harem to go home and masturbate.

Think of what's to come in the Super Six. I've been excited for Froch-Abraham for a while. Ward will likely fight Froch, Abraham, or both when the tournament reaches the single elimination portion. We might get to watch Froch-Abraham II. And I'm intrigued to see tomorrow's fight between Johnson and Green, so we can finally uncover if Green is a viable contender or not.

Of course, with the luck of the Super Six, Johnson-Green will end in a draw and no one will know what to do to about the fourth spot of the semifinals. But without the tournament, there's no guarantee that we would witness these contests or anything remotely as interesting in the super middleweight division.

Thursday, November 04, 2010

Wojnarowski is the Real Bully

I'm not a fan of Kevin Garnett. But even more, I dislike bad sports writing. And there's plenty out there. Adrian Wojnarowski's article on Kevin Garnett fits that description.

Charlie Villanueva accused Kevin Garnett of calling him "a cancer patient." Garnett later explained that Villanueva had misheard him and that he had said Villanueva was "cancerous to your team and our league." Wojnarowski, for his part, takes Villanueva's side. In his article he creates a false logic that for Garnett's statement to have been accurate, Villanueva must "completely [back] down." I could easily say that for Villanueva's statement to have been the truth, Garnett would have to back away from his.

The bigger issue is that Wojnarowski doesn't believe Garnett would make such a "stiff" statement within the heat of competition. That is essentially the basis for his siding with Villanueva. But it speaks to Wojnarowski's subconscious prejudices about black athletes. Perhaps he feels if black athletes don't throw in a "yo mama" it can't possibly be authentic. In fact, he argues (without any evidence) that it wasn't until Garnett got home and had a chance to think about it does KG come up with his above statement.

But Adrian Wojnarowski is smart. "Too smart, too calculating" to leave himself open to charges of prejudice without covering his bases. He mentions that Kevin Garnett is "smart" (specifically that word) three different times in the article. His overemphasis of Garnett's intelligence, particularly in the wake of him questioning Garnett's ability to spout a simple and coherent bit of trash talk in the heat of the game, comes across as disingenuous.

I cannot speak to Garnett's intelligence. He struggled in high school and couldn't pass the minimum requirements to enter college. That certainly doesn't mean he's not smart. Intelligence can be measured in many ways. But it's not an indication that he is either. Regardless of his intelligence, I believe he is capable of articulating a simple sentiment within the heat of battle, whether "stiff" or not. But Wojnarowski disagrees and his article, which is totally based on speculation, amounts to little more than bullying.

Wednesday, November 03, 2010

Republican Compromise?

Now that the Republicans have won the House of Representatives, and they have a political stake in the success of the government, perhaps they will finally be willing to compromise with the Democrats. They have spent two years attempting to block the Democratic program without offering solutions of their own. But now, they might be willing to give a little to get a little. Here's hoping.

But the big story of the 2010 elections is the ridiculously wide shift of power in the House of Representatives. It implies that people who voted Democratic in 2008 voted Republican in 2010, despite the often irreconcilably divergent ideologies of the two sides. It's mind boggling how politically malleable the American electorate can be. Of course, low turnout hurt the Democrats, so this shift in allegiance doesn't account for the entire shift. But district that had a liberal Congressperson, now may have a Tea Party representative.

It's also telling that Obama was blamed for the economic difficulties which began under Bush. How the electorate believes a split Congress will solve the problems is beyond me. Perhaps the compromise that I pondered above is the only chance.

Tuesday, November 02, 2010

Feingold Loses, Jews Sad

Russ Feingold, a pillar of progressivism in Senate, has lost his reelection bid in Wisconsin tonight. Feingold was the lone Senator to vote against the Patriot Act, a truly courageous and level-headed decision. Feingold also spearheaded campaign finance reform, a noble endeavor.

Feingold has been a hero of liberal Jews. Well, at least for me anyway, maybe no one else has heard of him. I drafted him in the 9th round with 34th overall pick in the 2006 Jew Draft. It was a pick, along with Bella Abzug, that assured my team the ability to out-legislate the other Jew teams.

This has been a sad day. That a liberal like Feingold was in the Senate always gave me pride and that he was a Jew added to that sentiment. I wish him well.

Monday, November 01, 2010


As always, the HarazQuack Times gives you endorsements. You know about Allwine and Henry already. Here's your voter's guide form the Gazette.

For comptroller, go with Peter Franchot. Campbell is unexperienced and wants to cut corporate taxes. Chris Van Hollen is the lesser of four evils. Rob Garagiola for State Senate in District 15 actually has a platform, unlike his challenger. For the House of Delegates in District 15, Kathleen Dumais, Brian Feldman, and Aruna Miller all have a good grasp of what the county needs. Scott Graham is a reasonable choice too. The others want to cut taxes as if that will somehow help a deficit.

For Montgomery County Council, George Gluck, Marc Elrich, Nancy Floreen, and Hans Riemer are the Times choices, but the inexperienced Nixon Uncapher is a resonable candidate as well. Progressive solution is our motto. Brandman, Docca, O'Neill, and definitely Durso are the endorsements for the board. On the state questions: #1 against, #2 for, #3 for, county question A for.

Happy voting!