Dear citizens. I have been accused of saying some rather outlandish things at the party to celebrate Voters Appreciation Day a couple of days ago. My accuser(s) have tape recorded my voice at the party and experts have determined that it is not a fake and cannot have been anyone other than me.
My fellow co-nationalists, I admit that I made those regrettable comments. However, they were taken grossly out of context. Yes, beautiful women were present at the party, but keep in mind, my life is not that far away from your own. Remember, the celebration was in your honor (your invitation was probably lost in the mail). Furthermore, this enormous breech of national security affects you. Do we want to give our enemies information that could potentially harm or embarrass us?
In response to this egregious and wanton disregard for national security, I must take action. Up until this point, I have been a staunch supporter of gay rights. Newsweek even did an article about it, written by Fareed Zakaria, called A Pro-Gay Rights Dictator: The Dear and Fearless Leader's rare show of humanity. That's what makes this change of heart so difficult. But if you're "outing" me for loving the ladies, then you're probably gay. Plus, I could really use a new scapegoat.
Today's decrees
No more gay marriage. No more hair stylists or theatre actors. No more well dressed men. All banned.
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