Addressing Gategate

Let me tell you, it's a tough job, this running a country business. Just last week I was enjoying an evening with some lovely women, celebrating the accomplishment of creating a democracy. In one short week, I am in the process of experiencing my second scandal of the past few days.

You may have come across an Assorted Press story implying that I am responsible for the murder of three men. People are calling it Gategate. These accusations are absurd. Why would I have men killed, cut up, and sent to the factory to have their remains be made into a gate? Just because they possibly embarrassed me, endangering the nation? Or because they opposed my policies?

Puh-leeze. This nation is a democracy. I value dissent... as long as it's expressed in an appropriate manner. Now, these men might have been killed by my supporters, but I cannot be expected to control the actions of everyone who supports me. I am a very handsome, intelligent, hygienic, sensual, and wise leader. But I am not a god; I cannot force anyone to do anything. Don't blame me.

Today's decrees
A word of caution to my beloved citizens: Check yourself before you wreck yourself.

The gate industry has been nationalized.

The military will here'n-now adopt a new policy called: Ask, Tell, and Go to Jail. John McCain supports it.

The Voters Appreciation Day Scandal Continues

By: The Assorted Press

Three men were found impaled in a fence last night. An eye witness to the discovery described the men as "more gate than men," when they were found.

All three men attended the Voters Appreciation Day party held last week and hosted by the Dear and Fearless Leader. In addition, all three men had voiced opposition to the Dear and Fearless Leader's policies over the past few months.

Some have speculated that these men have fallen victim as part of a crackdown against an alleged whistleblower who produced tape recorded inappropriate comments made by the Dear and Fearless Leader at the aforementioned party.

However, it is unknown whether the Dear and Fearless Leader has had any hand in the apparent murder of these three men. But many see the connections as rather damning circumstantial evidence against the Dear and Fearless Leader.

Pundits are labeling this new scandal involving the murdered men Gategate. More details on Gategate as they come about.

Voters Appreciation Day Allegations

Dear citizens. I have been accused of saying some rather outlandish things at the party to celebrate Voters Appreciation Day a couple of days ago. My accuser(s) have tape recorded my voice at the party and experts have determined that it is not a fake and cannot have been anyone other than me.

My fellow co-nationalists, I admit that I made those regrettable comments. However, they were taken grossly out of context. Yes, beautiful women were present at the party, but keep in mind, my life is not that far away from your own. Remember, the celebration was in your honor (your invitation was probably lost in the mail). Furthermore, this enormous breech of national security affects you. Do we want to give our enemies information that could potentially harm or embarrass us?

In response to this egregious and wanton disregard for national security, I must take action. Up until this point, I have been a staunch supporter of gay rights. Newsweek even did an article about it, written by Fareed Zakaria, called A Pro-Gay Rights Dictator: The Dear and Fearless Leader's rare show of humanity. That's what makes this change of heart so difficult. But if you're "outing" me for loving the ladies, then you're probably gay. Plus, I could really use a new scapegoat.

Today's decrees
No more gay marriage. No more hair stylists or theatre actors. No more well dressed men. All banned.

Excerpts from the Voters Appreciation Day Party

Our Dear and Fearless Leader declared yesterday to be Voters Appreciation Day. He then threw a party to honor the country's move to democracy. Here are some excerpts from that party that were tape recorded by an anonymous attendee.

Dear and Fearless Leader: "TITTIES! Big or small, round or pointy, I love 'em! Come girls, rub them in my face."
...

Dear and Fearless Leader: "Bring that sweet ass over here baby, so I can smack it in the name of democracy!"
...

Dear and Fearless Leader: "How 'bout this. I'll shake up this bottle of Diet Caffeine Free Coke and spray it on you like those guys in the music videos."
...

Dear and Fearless Leader: "You know, it's great to be the unquestioned leader of a nation, if for no other reason than women will do anything for you for fear of death if they don't comply. It sure makes up for my love life before I became a dictator."
...

Dear and Fearless Leader: "Thong, thong, thong, thong, thong."

Our Nation is Democratic

This is a great day for our nation, fellow citizens. No one can doubt that we are a country committed to democracy. I would like to thank every citizen who voted. Your vote is a show of defiance against our critics who brand us with names such as "autocratic," "totalitarian," and "backshit crazy." You have endorsed my rule with a resounding 145.7% of the vote. I've heard of giving 110%, but your validation of my time in office is ridiculously generous.

Today's decrees
It is decreed that tomorrow will be known as Voters Appreciation Day.

Voters Appreciation Day will celebrate the sacrifice and courage that all voters exhibited in coming out to vote for me. The festivities will take the form of a small party in my gorgeous backyard featuring beautiful scantily clad women. The party is by invitation only, so check your mailboxes!