This is a great day for our nation, fellow citizens. No one can doubt that we are a country committed to democracy. I would like to thank every citizen who voted. Your vote is a show of defiance against our critics who brand us with names such as "autocratic," "totalitarian," and "backshit crazy." You have endorsed my rule with a resounding 145.7% of the vote. I've heard of giving 110%, but your validation of my time in office is ridiculously generous.
Today's decrees
It is decreed that tomorrow will be known as Voters Appreciation Day.
Voters Appreciation Day will celebrate the sacrifice and courage that all voters exhibited in coming out to vote for me. The festivities will take the form of a small party in my gorgeous backyard featuring beautiful scantily clad women. The party is by invitation only, so check your mailboxes!
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