Tuesday, May 23, 2017

Ivanka Trump's Trip to Saudi Arabia

I'm having a wonderful time in this beautiful country. I've been chauffeured around everywhere like I'm a queen! I've noticed women here have an ingenuous way of dealing with the hot desert sun. They dress themselves in all black from head to toe except for the eyes so they don't get sun burned. How smart is that!

I was taken to see three amazing female entrepreneurs. I had such a great time learning about how fantastic living in Saudi Arabia is for women. I wanted to talk to these three ladies forever! I love meeting strong independent women! Saudi officials assured me there were way more than three female entrepreneurs in the country but there just wasn't any time to meet more. Too bad! Female empowerment rules!!

I was asked to stay with Jared with or daddy the whole time because they really value family time in Saudi Arabia. That's so awesome! I learned that women in Saudi Arabia don't have the same pressures we have in America. Pressure to work, pressure to leave the house without male accompaniment, pressure to not get stoned or flogged if we commit adultery even in cases where we are raped. What a relief it must be for these Saudi women to not have so much pressure!

Yesterday. Daddy and his friends, King Salman and General Sisi, played with a cool magic orb. It was a big hit on the internet! It was funny because the picture almost never happened. King Salman and General Sisi were so busy on the phone yelling things like, "How many dissidents did we capture" and things like that. Being the ruler of a country seems like hard work. Who would've guessed it?

Anyway, I love Saudi Arabia. There were so many men staring at my hair, it made me feel really empowered. Now it's off to Israel, which will be really meaningful for me because I think I'm Jewish or something. Bye for now!

Sunday, May 14, 2017

Eastern European Mail Order Bride Ad from '05

January 20, 2005

Sexy Slovenian, not Russian, woman in search of wealthy businessman/celebrity.

I'm a professional model and definitely not a secret Russian spy.

Turn ONS: Arrogance, weird hair, lack of knowledge of how government works
Turn OFFS: Self-awareness

Favorite sex position: Sticking my fingers in my ears, closing my eyes, and pretending it's not happening

Are you "the one"?

Saturday, May 13, 2017

Beware of American Email Scam

Fellow Nigerian readers, beware of a recent email scam from an American prince. The fraudulent email is as follows:

Dear [Name],

I am a very wealthy businessman and son of the President of the United States. I am writing you today to offer you a business deal. I have many billions of dollars, much of it obtained from my father's position. We are able to make policy to help our business and we even charge the government to stay in our hotels.

Most of the money I make is legal, if not ethical, but not all of it. That's where you come in. I will put $5 BILLION U.S. into your bank account. For your kindness, I will let you keep HALF as this will help me avoid paying US income tax and avoid legal problems. Just send me this information:

1. NAME
2. MOBILE
3. ADDRESS
4. BANK ACCOUNT NO.
5. ROUTING NUMBER
6. PICTURE OF NAKED WIFE/SISTER/MOTHER

Yours Truly,
Eric Trump

Friday, May 12, 2017

Top Ten Pound-For-Pound

It's been a long time since I made a top ten pound for pound list. I take into account ability and accomplishment. The previous list was posted on December 31, 2015.

1. Andre Ward (31-0, 15 KOs) [Previous Rank: 9]
2. Sergey Kovalev (30-1-1, 26 KOs) [6]
3. Gennady Golovkin (37-0, 33 KOs) [7]
4. Saul Alvarez (49-1-1, 34 KOs) [4]
5. Terence Crawford (30-0, 21 KOs) [Not Ranked]
6. Guillermo Rigondeaux (17-0, 11 KOs) [2]
7. Manny Pacquiao (59-6-2, 38 KOs) [3]
8. Adonis Stevenson (28-1, 23 KOs) [5]
9. Keith Thurman (28-0, 22 KOs) [Not Ranked]
10. Vasyl Lomachenko (8-1, 6 KOs) [Not Ranked]


Wednesday, May 03, 2017

Trump and History

Before we pile on Donald Trump over his lack of historical knowledge, it's important to remember that he is very very old. When he was in school, Frederick Douglass was still alive.

Trump was shocked to find out that Abraham Lincoln was a Republican for a good reason. Of course, he wasn't in school way back in 1860 when Lincoln ran as a Republican. That would be ridiculous; he's not that old. But Trump was in school in 1864 when Lincoln ran on the National Union Party ticket.

There's a good explanation for why Trump had no idea that a fundamental disagreement between the North and South over the institution of slavery spreading into the territories caused the Civil War. Back when Trump went to school, the education system was horrendous due to lack of federal oversight. This also explains why Trump lacks even the most basic knowledge of how government works.

Wednesday, April 26, 2017

Pee and Power

My babies have both peed on my countless times. Yet, if I pee on them, Child Protective Services will take them away. It seems unfair. I guess that;s the nature of power. It's why it's ok to say Black Power, but not White Power, I suppose.

Monday, April 17, 2017

My Babies' Bowel Movements

My babies have three distinct bowel movements.

I call the first one the Donald Dump. That's when there's a lot of sound and fury but very little substance.

The next one is when there seems like a problem, but the true horrors aren't revealed until the facts come out. I call that the Adolph Shitler.

The final one is when the babies go nuclear and everything is destroyed. That's the Harry Pooman.

Sunday, April 16, 2017

When Babies Cry

I have became an expert on determining the meaning behind each of my babies' distinct cries. Each one pretty much means, "Fuck you, Mommy and Daddy. I want you both to suffer!"

Saturday, April 15, 2017

2017 NBA Playoff Predictions

East
Bos over Chi 4-2
Cle over Ind 4-1
Tor over Mil 4-3
Atl over Was 4-2

Bos over Atl 4-3
Cle over Tor 4-1

Cle over Bos 4-0

West
GS over Por 4-0
SA over Mem 4-1
OKC over Hou 4-2
LAC over Uth 4-2

GS over LAC 4-3
SA over OKC 4-0


Finals
GS over Cle 4-2

Wednesday, February 22, 2017

Top 5 QBs, RBs, WRs Now

This list takes more into account than one pass, one game, or even one season. But it's not a list one the best who happen to be active. It also isn't a prediction of what will happen either. Injuries are not ignored. The previous list was posted on February 18, 2016.

Quarterbacks
RankPlayer(Previous Rank)
1Tom Brady(1)
2Aaron Rodgers(2)
3Drew Brees(3)
4Ben Roethlisberger(NR)

5Matt Ryan(NR)



Running Backs
RankPlayer(Previous Rank)

1Le'Veon Bell(2)

2Ezekiel Elliot(NR)

3DeMarco Murray(NR)

4LeSean McCoy(NR)

5David Johnson(NR)



Wide Receivers
RankPlayer(Previous Rank)

1Antonio Brown(1)

2Julio Jones(2)

3Odell Beckham(5)

4T.Y. Hilton(NR)

5Mike Evans(NR)