Sunday, January 18, 2015

Scottie Dockens, a UBF Journey Continues

I'm Scottie Dockens, and I'm a boxing champion. I hold a belt in the UBF. Last night I won my 13th fight. I knocked out Carlos the 300 pound Mexican. I knocked him out cold. He wasn't wearing padding and it wasn't a sparring session.

So-called UBF pound for pound #1 Charlie Zelenoff believes that he's the best boxer int he UBF because he spars with people and declares himself victor after about ten seconds. I actually knocked Carlos out. He was twitching on the ground like he was twerking to a Brittney Spears song. I'm 13-0 and I want to smash Charlie's face in. He's crude and flaunts the rules of the UBF. Scottie Dockens is coming for you Charlie.

Saturday, January 17, 2015

Scottie Dockens, UBF Champion

I'm Scottie Dockens and I'm a UBF champion. I'm 12-0 wearing my Champion Forever socks. No one is a better boxer than I am. I'm the best boxer there ever will be. I've been knocking people out since I was in diapers. I'm coming for that number one pound for pound spot. You know who you are. I knocked out that same big Armenian heavyweight. You know what you have. I'm coming for you.

Wednesday, January 07, 2015

Planes vs. Buildings

Most people assume the attacks on September 11, 2001 were the most horrific example of Islamic extremism challenging Western hegemony. In reality, it was something very different. It was the opening shots of a war between planes and buildings.

September 11 was a dark day for buildings. Two of its most prestigious fell that day. A cousin also collapsed in the devastation. It would take nearly 13 years before buildings garnered their rightful vengeance. On March 8, 2014 Malaysian Airlines 370 disappeared. No one knows what happened. No one except the ragtag band of buildings that finally suckled at the teat of sweet revenge. On December 28, Indonesia AirAsia Flight 8501 fell when another group of buildings swatted it down.

It is my hope that the cycle of violence will cease. Countless deaths have been the result of this senseless war. It's time to find a way to live a peaceful coexistence whether we be building or whether we be plane. Only then can all inanimate objects live in happiness, free from fear. This is not merely a dream; it's a vision. A vision I believe we can achieve.

Tuesday, January 06, 2015

Another Historic Mistake by the Chicago Daily Tribune

CORRECTION: Yesterday, the Tribune ran the erroneous headline McGOVERN DEFEATS NIXON. As the votes continued to be counted late into the night, it became evident to the Tribune political staff that, in fact, Nixon would be reelected.

Alaska's four electoral votes and Hawaii's three were called for Nixon early Wednesday morning giving the President a close 520-17 electoral victory over Senator McGovern. The wins in Alaska and Hawaii helped Nixon grab 60.7% of the popular vote to McGovern's 37.5%. Nixon edged McGovern with 49 states to the Senator's one. Oh yeah, and DC; McGovern also won DC.

The Tribune apologizes for its error.

Friday, January 02, 2015

NFL Playoff Predictions

AFC Wild Card
6 Bal over 3 Pit 24-14
4 Ind over 5 Cin 21-9

NFC Wild Card
3 Dal over 6 Det 17-10
5 Ari over 4 Car 14-6

AFC Division
1 NE over 6 Bal 35-10
2 Den over 4 Ind 27-14

NFC Division
1 Sea over 5 Ari 21-0
3 Dal over 2 GB 38-35

AFC Championship
NE over Den 26-21

NFC Championship
Dal over Sea 14-12

Super Bowl XL
NE over Dal 41-24

Thursday, January 01, 2015

Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Al Capone Faces Litany of Allegations

Shocking revelations continue to surface about Al "Scarface" Capone in recent days. Numerous women have made some serious allegations about the murderous gangster that have called his reputation into question.

It all began in October when a short clip of comedian Shecky Horowitz went viral. Horowitz joked in a Chicago set, "People don't want to talk about it, but Al Capone is a great guy. If you don't believe me, go home and google "Al Capone nice guy." You'll get more hits than "Shecky Horowitz." I just want you to feel uncomfortable next time you watch the movie Scarface."

With Horowitz invigorating a subject that had largely been ignored through the years, wave after wave of allegations flooded into the public sphere. It began with a woman from Peoria, Illinois claiming, "Al Capone always used to buy my children teddy bears, even when it wasn't their birthday. He never wanted anything in return. He's a very sweet man."

Soon, more stories surfaced, many of them with the same incomprehensible tone. Sheila Burkowsky from Chicago, Illinois alleged, "Al Capone helped me and many women go to college. He set up a clandestine scholarship fund for hardworking young women. Now I'm an accountant. I only found out years later that the entire organization had ties to Al Capone. He really is a sweetheart."

Barbara Harris wrote an op-ed in The Washington Post this past November claiming that Capone used to send her mother flowers. "Honestly, he did not have any romantic feelings towards me and certainly not to my overweight 70 year old mother. He just sent them to my mom because he knew it would brighten up her day. He always seems to be doing things without wanting anything in return. It's like he's a serial nice guy."

These revelations appear to have drastically changed the popular perception of Capone as a homicidal maniac, a persona he has spent many decades cultivating. Capone has risen within the criminal world thanks in part to a unique charisma and an uncanny ruthlessness. His position as a criminal mastermind is now in jeopardy.

Brooklyn gunrunner Johnny Dice explained, "Capone is really a swell fella. I was in the hospital with appendicitis and he sent me a lovely get well card. It really lifted my spirits. Capone is really a caring guy as long as you're not a filthy mick."

Gambler "Snake Eyes" Tortelli of the Lower East Side is a close associate of Capone's. "One day, he just got done scooping the brains out of some dirty Irishman. We were dumping the body and he stopped for a few minutes to ask about my eldest daughter's schoolwork. What subject she enjoys most, her grades, that kind of stuff. He's just a nice man. As long as you're not a dirty Irishman, he'll really go out of his way to make you feel special."

Capone has been uncharacteristically silent since the accusations of his kindness first surfaced. In an interview with NPR, Capone could be seen shaking his head no when a reporter asked him about his alleged kind deeds.

His legal representation, Marty Singer, released a statement on Tuesday, "The recent stories about my client are false. They have been made by people clamoring for the spotlight. Everyone knows Al Capone is a killer and a terrible inhuman beast. He has committed many vicious crimes and really should be put away for a long time. If all of these allegations were true, why are they coming out now all at once? It doesn't add up."

But all of the attention has decidedly swung public opinion firmly into Al Capone's corner. Sixteen year old Chloe Smith remarked, "OMG, I kinda wish he was my dad. He seems so, like, nice."

Capone has a long way to go to regain his past reputation, if he can at all. Only time will tell.

Monday, December 29, 2014

NFL's New Format Final Standings

If the NFL moved back to two divisions per conference, we would get fairer and more exciting playoff games.

NFC South and East
1) Dallas 12-4
2) Philadelphia 10-6
3) Carolina 7-8-1
4) New Orleans 7-9
5) NY Giants 6-10
6) Atlanta 6-10
7) Washington 4-12
8) Tampa Bay 2-14

NFC North and West
1) Seattle 12-4
2) Green Bay 12-4
3) Arizona 11-5
4) Detroit 11-5
5) San Francisco 8-8
6) Minnesota 7-9
7) St. Louis 6-10
8) Chicago 5-11

The playoff seeding would look like this:
1) Sea; 2) Dal; 3) GB; 4) Ari; 5) Det; 6) Phi.

The Wildcard round would look like this:
6) Phi 10-6 vs. 3) GB 12-4; 4) Ari 11-5 vs. 5) Det 11-5.
instead of:
6) Det 11-5 vs. 3) Dal 12-4; 4) Car 7-8-1 vs. Ari 11-5.

AFC North and East
1) New England 12-4
2) Pittsburgh 11-5
3) Cincinnati 10-5-1
4) Baltimore 10-6
5) Buffalo 9-7
6) Miami 8-8
7) Cleveland 7-9
8) NY Jets 4-12

AFC South and West
1) Denver 12-4
2) Indianapolis 11-5
3) Houston 9-7
4) Kansas City 9-7
5) San Diego 9-7
6) Jacksonville 3-13
7) Oakland 3-13
8) Tennessee 2-14
Playoff seedings and matchup would be the same.

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Fixing the Unfair NFL Playoff System

The NFC is extremely unfair. In the NFL combined their existing division to form two eight-team divisions, things would be far more fair. The NFC East and South would link and so would the AFC East and North.

Here are the updated standings: actual and new. If the playoffs began today, the AFC playoffs would look like this:
Byes: 1) NE 12-3; 2) Den 11-4.
Home playoff games: 3) Cin 10-4-1; 4) Indy 10-5.
Road playoff games: 5) Pit 10-5; 6) SD 9-6.

AFC playoffs in the new format:
Byes: 1) NE 12-3; 2) Den 11-4.
Home playoff games: 3) Cin 10-4-1; 4) Pit 10-5.
Road playoff games: 5) Ind 10-5; 6) SD 9-6.

The current format takes away a lot of potential drama. Indy is going to have a home playoff game and has very little to play for. In the new format, Indy/Den would go to a deep tie-breaker if Denver loses and Indy wins. Indy could finish as high as 2nd or as low as 6th in the new format.


If the playoffs began today, the NFC playoffs would look like this:
Byes: 1) Sea 11-4; 2) Det 11-4.
Home playoff games: 3) Dal 11-4; 4) Car 6-8-1.
Road playoff games: 5) GB 11-4; 6) Ari 11-4.

NFC playoffs in the new format:
Byes: 1) Sea 11-4; 2) Dal 11-4.
Home playoff games: 3) Det 11-4; 4) GB 11-4.
Road playoff games: 5) Ari 11-4; 6) Phi 9-6.

All six teams would have clinched had the NFL gone to the new format. Dallas would have clinched the South/East division. The North/West division would just about be the most exciting finish in NFL history. Seattle, Detroit, Green Bay, and Arizona would all have a shot at the bye. Only one would be on the road in the Wild Card round. Instead, the winner of Carolina and Atlanta, who will finish under .500, will earn a home playoff game. The best case scenario is that the NFC South winner will be 3.5 games worse than their visiting playoff opponent. It's possible that Atlanta could be 5 games worse than their playoff opponent!

Monday, December 22, 2014

Another Obnoxious Pound-for-Pound List

Here is the updated version of my obnoxiously unnecessary and utterly superfluous list of the top 10 pound-for-pound boxers. The previous list was posted on June 20.

1) Floyd Mayweather (47-0, 26 KOs), [Previous Rank: 1]
2) Wladimir Klitschko (63-3, 53 KOs), [PR: 2]
3) Guillermo Rigondeaux (14-0, 9 KOs), [PR: 4]
4) Manny Pacquiao (57-5-2, 38 KOs), [PR: 5]
5) Juan Manuel Marquez (56-7-1, 40 KOs), [PR: 6]
6) Adonis Stevenson (25-1, 21 KOs), [PR: 8]
7) Sergey Kovalev (26-0-1, 23 KOs), [PR: NR]
8) Roman Gonzalez (41-0, 35 KOs), [PR: NR]
9) Miguel Cotto (39-4, 32 KOs), [PR: 9]
10) Gennady Golovkin (31-0, 29 KOs), [PR: NR]

Exiting the list:
Andre Ward (27-0, 14 KOs), [PR: 3]
Danny Garcia (28-0, 16 KOs), [PR: 7]
Timothy Bradley (31-1-1, 12 KOs), [PR: 10]