Tuesday, February 24, 2015

New Mental Disorder Discovered

A scientific study finds that parking illegally in handicap spots is associated with a newly discovered mental disorder. The illness is called Narcissistic Psychopathic Douchebag Disorder and it affects roughly 75% of Americans.

The disorder apparently comes in several different forms. There's the "Wait in the Car" version, the mildest discovered. Next is the "I'll Just Be a Minute" version where the sick soul thinks that inconveniencing a disabled person briefly is acceptable. This is most common in delivery people.

There's also the far more serious "Park and Leave" version in which the ill individual has no regard for anybody but themselves. The side effects are utter laziness, a complete lack of empathy, and acute anal resemblance.

The final and most frightening version is the "Curb Cut Blocker." This person not only parks illegally in a handicap spot, but also parks their vehicle in such a way that wheelchair users cannot get onto or off of a sidewalk. Jeffrey Dahmer was allegedly a "Curb Cut Blocker" and so is Mel Gibson.

There are no known treatments to those who suffer from the disorder. Scientists have tried instilling the affected with doses of compassion and empathy, but that hasn't seemed to work. Researchers are now experimenting with providing sufferers with a daily pill called AyKlew.  If all else fails, another proposed alternative is prolonged electrocution to the genitals until the mentally ill person parks literally ten feet away in a legal space.

Thursday, February 19, 2015

Top 5 QBs, RBs, WRs Now

This list takes more into account than one pass, one game, or even one season. But it's not a list one the best who happen to be active. It also isn't a prediction of what will happen either. Injuries are not ignored. The previous list was posted on February 26, 2014.

RankDavid's(PR)Mike's(Previous Rank)
1Peyton Manning(1)Aaron Rodgers(2)
2Tom Brady(2)Tom Brady(3)
3Aaron Rodgers(4)Peyton Manning(1)
4Drew Brees(3)Drew Brees(4)
5Andrew Luck(NR)Andrew Luck(NR)

Running Backs
RankDavid's(PR)Mike's(Previous Rank)
1DeMarco Murray(NR)Marshawn Lynch(4)
2Le'Veon Bell(NR)Jamaal Charles(2)
3Marshawn Lynch(4)DeMarco Murray(NR)
4Arian Foster(NR)Le'Veon Bell(NR)
5LeSean McCoy(2)Arian Foster(NR)

Wide Receivers
RankDavid's(PR)Mike's(Previous Rank)
1Calvin Johnson(1)Calvin Johnson(1)
2Antonio Brown(5)Antonio Brown(NR)
3Julio Jones(NR)Dez Bryant(NR)
4Demaryius Thomas(NR)Julio Jones(NR)
5Dez Bryant(NR)Demaryius Thomas(2)

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Scottie Dockens, Another Victory

I'm Scottie Dockens, UBF champion. In the last month, I've knocked out an Armenian, a Yazidi, and a m,ember of ISIS to improve my record to 16-0 with 16 KOs. I want to face Charlie Zelenoff, the so-called champion. He's fraud and I'll beat him up easily. My only fear is that I might kill him.

Sunday, January 18, 2015

Scottie Dockens, a UBF Journey Continues

I'm Scottie Dockens, and I'm a boxing champion. I hold a belt in the UBF. Last night I won my 13th fight. I knocked out Carlos the 300 pound Mexican. I knocked him out cold. He wasn't wearing padding and it wasn't a sparring session.

So-called UBF pound for pound #1 Charlie Zelenoff believes that he's the best boxer int he UBF because he spars with people and declares himself victor after about ten seconds. I actually knocked Carlos out. He was twitching on the ground like he was twerking to a Brittney Spears song. I'm 13-0 and I want to smash Charlie's face in. He's crude and flaunts the rules of the UBF. Scottie Dockens is coming for you Charlie.

Saturday, January 17, 2015

Scottie Dockens, UBF Champion

I'm Scottie Dockens and I'm a UBF champion. I'm 12-0 wearing my Champion Forever socks. No one is a better boxer than I am. I'm the best boxer there ever will be. I've been knocking people out since I was in diapers. I'm coming for that number one pound for pound spot. You know who you are. I knocked out that same big Armenian heavyweight. You know what you have. I'm coming for you.

Wednesday, January 07, 2015

Planes vs. Buildings

Most people assume the attacks on September 11, 2001 were the most horrific example of Islamic extremism challenging Western hegemony. In reality, it was something very different. It was the opening shots of a war between planes and buildings.

September 11 was a dark day for buildings. Two of its most prestigious fell that day. A cousin also collapsed in the devastation. It would take nearly 13 years before buildings garnered their rightful vengeance. On March 8, 2014 Malaysian Airlines 370 disappeared. No one knows what happened. No one except the ragtag band of buildings that finally suckled at the teat of sweet revenge. On December 28, Indonesia AirAsia Flight 8501 fell when another group of buildings swatted it down.

It is my hope that the cycle of violence will cease. Countless deaths have been the result of this senseless war. It's time to find a way to live a peaceful coexistence whether we be building or whether we be plane. Only then can all inanimate objects live in happiness, free from fear. This is not merely a dream; it's a vision. A vision I believe we can achieve.

Tuesday, January 06, 2015

Another Historic Mistake by the Chicago Daily Tribune

CORRECTION: Yesterday, the Tribune ran the erroneous headline McGOVERN DEFEATS NIXON. As the votes continued to be counted late into the night, it became evident to the Tribune political staff that, in fact, Nixon would be reelected.

Alaska's four electoral votes and Hawaii's three were called for Nixon early Wednesday morning giving the President a close 520-17 electoral victory over Senator McGovern. The wins in Alaska and Hawaii helped Nixon grab 60.7% of the popular vote to McGovern's 37.5%. Nixon edged McGovern with 49 states to the Senator's one. Oh yeah, and DC; McGovern also won DC.

The Tribune apologizes for its error.

Friday, January 02, 2015

NFL Playoff Predictions

AFC Wild Card
6 Bal over 3 Pit 24-14
4 Ind over 5 Cin 21-9

NFC Wild Card
3 Dal over 6 Det 17-10
5 Ari over 4 Car 14-6

AFC Division
1 NE over 6 Bal 35-10
2 Den over 4 Ind 27-14

NFC Division
1 Sea over 5 Ari 21-0
3 Dal over 2 GB 38-35

AFC Championship
NE over Den 26-21

NFC Championship
Dal over Sea 14-12

Super Bowl XL
NE over Dal 41-24

Thursday, January 01, 2015

Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Al Capone Faces Litany of Allegations

Shocking revelations continue to surface about Al "Scarface" Capone in recent days. Numerous women have made some serious allegations about the murderous gangster that have called his reputation into question.

It all began in October when a short clip of comedian Shecky Horowitz went viral. Horowitz joked in a Chicago set, "People don't want to talk about it, but Al Capone is a great guy. If you don't believe me, go home and google "Al Capone nice guy." You'll get more hits than "Shecky Horowitz." I just want you to feel uncomfortable next time you watch the movie Scarface."

With Horowitz invigorating a subject that had largely been ignored through the years, wave after wave of allegations flooded into the public sphere. It began with a woman from Peoria, Illinois claiming, "Al Capone always used to buy my children teddy bears, even when it wasn't their birthday. He never wanted anything in return. He's a very sweet man."

Soon, more stories surfaced, many of them with the same incomprehensible tone. Sheila Burkowsky from Chicago, Illinois alleged, "Al Capone helped me and many women go to college. He set up a clandestine scholarship fund for hardworking young women. Now I'm an accountant. I only found out years later that the entire organization had ties to Al Capone. He really is a sweetheart."

Barbara Harris wrote an op-ed in The Washington Post this past November claiming that Capone used to send her mother flowers. "Honestly, he did not have any romantic feelings towards me and certainly not to my overweight 70 year old mother. He just sent them to my mom because he knew it would brighten up her day. He always seems to be doing things without wanting anything in return. It's like he's a serial nice guy."

These revelations appear to have drastically changed the popular perception of Capone as a homicidal maniac, a persona he has spent many decades cultivating. Capone has risen within the criminal world thanks in part to a unique charisma and an uncanny ruthlessness. His position as a criminal mastermind is now in jeopardy.

Brooklyn gunrunner Johnny Dice explained, "Capone is really a swell fella. I was in the hospital with appendicitis and he sent me a lovely get well card. It really lifted my spirits. Capone is really a caring guy as long as you're not a filthy mick."

Gambler "Snake Eyes" Tortelli of the Lower East Side is a close associate of Capone's. "One day, he just got done scooping the brains out of some dirty Irishman. We were dumping the body and he stopped for a few minutes to ask about my eldest daughter's schoolwork. What subject she enjoys most, her grades, that kind of stuff. He's just a nice man. As long as you're not a dirty Irishman, he'll really go out of his way to make you feel special."

Capone has been uncharacteristically silent since the accusations of his kindness first surfaced. In an interview with NPR, Capone could be seen shaking his head no when a reporter asked him about his alleged kind deeds.

His legal representation, Marty Singer, released a statement on Tuesday, "The recent stories about my client are false. They have been made by people clamoring for the spotlight. Everyone knows Al Capone is a killer and a terrible inhuman beast. He has committed many vicious crimes and really should be put away for a long time. If all of these allegations were true, why are they coming out now all at once? It doesn't add up."

But all of the attention has decidedly swung public opinion firmly into Al Capone's corner. Sixteen year old Chloe Smith remarked, "OMG, I kinda wish he was my dad. He seems so, like, nice."

Capone has a long way to go to regain his past reputation, if he can at all. Only time will tell.