Wednesday, November 01, 2017

Harvey Weinstein Apologized, Comes Out

Following allegations of sexual assault by dozens of women, Harvey Weinstein has been defiant. That is, until now. In a new statement posted on his Facebook account, Weinstein takes a different tack while making a litany of startling admissions.

Here is the statement in full:

As many of you know, I have been accused of numerous despicable transgressions. While I don't remember any of the countless incidents per se, I am beyond horrified to learn of them. If I behaved in the ways the dozens upon dozens of women have described, I want to offer the supposed victims my deepest and sincerest apologies.

It is very painful to admit, but I must come clean. I am afflicted with sex addiction. Coming of age in the 60's and 70's we were not taught how to face up to our own flaws. I realize that I need to become a better person. As a result, I am going to check into a rehab center in Europe to conquer my demons.

This story has forced me to address other things about my life. As those closest to me know, I am gay. I have had relationships with many women-  a few of them even without the aid of sexual assault believe it or not- but I choose now to live as a gay man.

As those closest to me also know, I am an alcoholic. Alcohol has fueled many of my poor decisions over the years, and it is a problem that sorely needs addressing. I have decided to check into an alcohol rehab center as soon as my sex rehab is over. I want to deal with this honestly and that starts with correcting my alcoholism.

As fewer people know, sometimes I suffer from a debilitating disorder which results in bouts of feeling light headed if I go too long without eating. This has also forced me into making some poor judgments particularly in the way I've behaved with colleagues. I vow to eat more regularly in the future. I've decided to carry some granola bars in my pockets in case I get hungry and other dietary options are not readily available.

And finally, I have become aware that I have an addiction to raping. This addiction has caused me to exploit my powerful position to gain access to beautiful young women who hope to meet me in a professional setting and then I rape them. Sometimes this is straight up rape and other times this is rape that ends with me ejaculating into a potted plant for some reason. After I'm done with my other rehab programs, I'm going to check into the infamous rape rehab program at Rikers.

Sunday, October 29, 2017

Mia Khalifa Bombshell!!

Mia Khalifa has been trying to slide into my DMs because she's thirty for that d. This is a collection of words that apparently has meaning to some people, but I have no idea what that is. Hopefully, it's not offensive.

Wednesday, October 25, 2017

Jewish World Series Recap

This is a tough World Series matchup for Jews. The Houston Astros and Los Angeles Dodgers are battling, but it has nothing to do with these two teams. These organizations have had Jewish players before. Of course the great Sandy Koufax pitched for the Dodgers and the less great Brad Ausmus caught for the Astros. But both organizations have taken a dark turn in recent years.

Game 1 featured Astros pitcher Dallas Keuchel who inexplicably pronounces his surname "Kikel". He faced Dodgers outfielder Kike Hernandez. Kike went 1-3 against Kikel. Every time Kike came up to bat against Kikel, I took our mezuzah down and brought it inside. Then I hid in my attic. Hopefully  the Dodgers sweep so I don't have to revisit this fear in Game 5.

Tuesday, October 17, 2017

2017-2018 NBA Predictions

Check out this basketball book ranking the top ten NBA players in three different ways.

Just missed

Out in the first round
Bos, Cha, Mia, Det

Out in the semis
Was, Mil

Conference Finals
Cle over Tor 4-1

Just missed

Out in the first round
LAC, Mem, Por, Min

Out in the semis

Conference Finals
GS over Hou 4-3

NBA Finals
Cle over GS 4-3

Tuesday, October 03, 2017

2017 MLB Postseason Predictions

Wild Card Games (of which I hate the concept)
Yankees over Twins
Dbacks over Rockies

Division Series
Cleveland over Yankees 3-1
Houston over Boston 3-2

Nats over Cubs 3-1
Dodgers over Dbacks 3-0

Houston over Cleveland 4-2
Nats over Dodgers 4-2

World Series
Nats over Astros 4-1

Monday, September 18, 2017

Top Ten Pound-For-Pound

Here's my pound-for-pound list. I take into account ability and accomplishment. The previous list was posted on May 12.

1. Andre Ward (32-0, 16 KOs) [Previous Rank: 1]
2. Terence Crawford (31-0, 22 KOs) [5]
3. Gennady Golovkin (37-0-1, 33 KOs) [3]
4. Saul Alvarez (49-1-2, 34 KOs) [4]
5. Guillermo Rigondeaux (17-0, 11 KOs) [6]
6. Sergey Kovalev (30-2-1, 26 KOs) [2]
7. Adonis Stevenson (29-1, 24 KOs) [8]
8. Keith Thurman (28-0, 22 KOs) [9]
9. Vasyl Lomachenko (8-1, 7 KOs) [10]
10. Erislandy Lara (25-2-2, 14 KOs) [Not ranked}

Exiting the list:
Manny Pacquiao (59-7-2, 38 KOs) [7]

Monday, September 11, 2017

Day 2 in Harpers Ferry

We left the hotel after Candace's poop clogged up the toilet. We drove to Harpers Ferry going over last evening's bridge into Virginia and then taking another bridge over the Shenandoah River into West Virginia. After we parked, there was the option of taking a shuttle into town or walking the two miles, hopefully along the coast. Bug voted for the shuttle, but wasn't forceful enough and lost out.

The walk involved another scamper across the highway- this time we had the benefit or a traffic light at least- and some precarious walking on the narrow shoulder of a road. Bug kept giving me "I told you so" looks and Candace said, "You know Bug was right." I was just about to admit it when we saw a sidewalk in the distance. Once I reached it, I knelt down and kissed it like a freed hostage returning to his homeland.

The walk into town, which was not along the shoreline at all, was interesting. We admired the porches and different style houses along the way. I was carded at 7-11 while buying Bug cigarettes, something that never happens to me back home. There were some tough hills along the way and pushing the stroller was a challenge, especially since I was sore from yesterday.

We ate at what might be the only accessible restaurant in Harpers Ferry. It had a nice view of the mountains and the train. My daughter didn't want to cooperate and I mostly ate standing up swaying her back and forth. My son chowed down on his first ever pickle, considering the twins just ate solid food for the first time on Friday... avocados. He also put some steak in his mouth and a tomato. He spit them out. My daughter grabbed potato chips from my hand and alternately tried to shove them in my mouth and drop them on the ground.

We kept walking and Candace pumped in public for the first time at the bottom of High Street. Bug hoped to get us frozen custard, but it turned out to be ice cream. She was disappointed, but I like it although the strawberry tasted like cherry ice cream with strawberries. After a long pit stop, we walked by the only site I really wanted to see, John Brown's Fort. It was underwhelming.

We then saw a beautiful view of the two rivers converging. We walked on the pedestrian bridge I had spotted yesterday- which was accessible only on one side- and saw Paw Paw Tunnel pretty close up. I had a panic attack being on the bridge pushing the stroller and I was thankful a train didn't come by while we were on the bridge. The tracks were extremely close to the bridge and I think the combination of the heights and the train being so close would have pushed over the edge.

We took a shuttle back to the parking lot and it was quick and fairly easy. I tried to get Bug to sit next to me with my son, but she didn't and an Australian guy started making small talk with me about the babies which was almost as bad as plummeting to a watery grave. After we arrived at the parking lot, Candace entertained a curious five year old. A man then came up and asked out kids' names. He recognized them as Hebrew and said, "Mazel tov" to us, probably an unusual occurrence in West Virginia.

We were tired but happy to have had the experience when we decided to make one last trip to Sonic on the way home. Everyone got their drinks and food excited once again to indulge in this still rare treat. I only wanted a drink this time. A minute later, that drink collapsed onto my feet; the bottom of the cup having snapped and drenched the floor as my daughter screamed. I sang to her- the alphabet and a declaration of fatherly love worked the best- mourning my fallen beverage.

Sunday, September 10, 2017

Trip to Harpers Ferry

After picking up Sonic- a rare treat for a DC area resident- we checked into the hotel on the Maryland side of the border. The hotel looked wheelchair accessible from the photos online, but turned out to be unquestionably not accessible. The receptionist told us that he constantly complained to upper management to bring the hotel up to code but his pleas evidently fell on deaf ears.

We set out on a walk to Harpers Ferry, which was supposed to be about a mile and half away. My plan was to take a short walk to the C&O Canal path to a pedestrian bridge that would cross to Potomac into West Virginia. It seemed pretty simply on Google maps.

The walk started off bizarrely. We walked along the highway, Candace in a wheelchair, me pushing an unwieldy behemoth of a twin stroller, and Bug bringing up the rear. We must've appeared like a menacing gang to any onlookers. We reached  a bridge that had a very narrow walkway and Candace had trouble getting the wheelchair through the narrow opening. The width of the stroller also posed a problem, so I was tasked with jogging over the bridge to see if it was the right way. I have a big fear of heights and bridges make me especially anxious because my real fear is plummeting to a watery grave.

The view from the bridge was stunning- full trees climbing up the rolling mountain above the smooth current of the Potomac River- but the chain fence disappeared and I realized that it was possible to trip and fall to a watery grave in the Potomac.

I went about halfway and cringed at the thought of pushing the stroller over this long bridge on the off chance it was the right way. So I came back, but I did manage to see the C&O path way far below us.

We decided to head back to the hotel and ask, but Candace saw a sign that said "River Trail" with an arrow pointing left. So we- wheelchair, stroller, and all- decided to run across several lanes of highway traffic to follow the sign. Turns out the sign said "River & Trail" and seemed to be for a store, rather than an actual trail.

We crossed the highway again and went back to ask the receptionist how to go to the trail. I half-listened to his explanation. We piled into the van- no small task- and headed in the right direction until I determined that we should turn on Sandy Hook Road. The receptionist didn't mention anything about Sandy Hook Road and the name didn't seem like a good omen, but I decided it was the right was to go based on the map on my phone.

Sandy Hook Road turned into a curvy mountain road that we had to inch forward in some stretches in order to avoid a head-on collision. We eventually drove by the pedestrian bridge I had seen on Google Maps and saw that it wasn't wheelchair or stroller accessible. We turned back, went through the winding road again, and finally found a good spot to park (which happened to be where the receptionist had told us to park).

From there we walked the C&O Canal path. It was a gravel path, which made for a bumpy ride for Candace and the babies. Bug was hopped up on sugar and she and Candace, who was not hopped up on sugar, took turns insulting and threatening me, which they found very funny. There was a pool of algae covered water under the railroad tracks. We reached a few openings in the path and got a glimpse of the view, which was worth crossing a couple highways for.

Along the way, Bug grabbed a weird looking fruit, peeled it and ate it. I was sure she was going to die when Candace also took a bite. They both marveled at how sweet it tasted, so risking death I took a bite too. It tasted like a mango- which I like- crossed with a banana- which I don't. Turns out they're called paw paws. None of us are dead yet.

We walked all the way to a spot under the first bridge and turned back. Bug and I were aching when we made it back to the hotel, exhausted from pushing the stroller, carrying my chubby little son, and an ill-advised sprint on the bridge earlier in the evening.

Sunday, August 06, 2017

Rick Allen is a Terrible Track Announcer

I'm not the most knowledgeable track fan by any stretch of the imagination. I watch the Olympics and lament not watching the World Championships, but it's hard to find time to work it in. So, an announcer would have to be quite bad for me to notice. I noticed Rick Allen's performance yesterday.

During the women's 10,000 meters Rick Allen stopped announcing as soon as Almaz Ayana crossed the finish line first. The director switched to the competitive race for second between Dibaba and I have no idea because Rick Allen never mentioned her. Craig Masback picked up the slack and pretty much called the rest of the race.

While Rick Allen's 10,000 meter call left something to be desired, his announcing of the men's 100 meters didn't go well at all. One of the fun parts of the pre-race build up is when the runners first come out to the track. Maybe Rick Allen was checking his Twitter, because he didn't mention the runners appearing. Ato Bolden tried to fill in, but by the time Bolden realized Rick Allen inexplicably wasn't talking, it was too late and it unfairly made Bolden look a little foolish.

Before a semifinal heat, Rick Allen said, "Surprisingly, Justin Gatlin is getting booed." Bolden tried to be professional. "This is a pro-Bolt crowd, so..." then very quickly adding, "not surprising." Before the final, while the camera was on Bolt, Rick Allen mentioned Bolt's dancing. I would've preferred something like, "a three-time Olympic gold medalist in this event, Bolt's charisma has made him a global superstar."

Just before the race, Rick Allen started randomly listing some of the runners' last names for no discernible reason. In a moment of foreshadowing, Justin Gatlin wasn't one of the names mentioned.

During the hush of the crowd moments before the start of the race, Rick Allen said, "The crowd, silent." Something more like, "Usain Bolt, the greatest 100 meter runner of his generation in his final race" might have set the scene better.

So Rick Allen did a terrible job in the build up, but of course he would do better during the race, you say. If you said that, then you'd be wrong. He essentially repeated the names Bolt and Coleman in what turned out to be a very tight race for second. One name not mentioned during the entire race was Gatlin, the winner.

As an announcer, your job is to make things clearer for the viewer. Rick Allen diverted the attention away from the real story and only until a good bit after the race even acknowledged, "Gatlin thinks he won." I don't know if Tom Hammond was some great track announcer or not, but I liked him. He did a great job of building the tension and rising to a crescendo as the runners crossed the finish line. He made it exciting to watch.

Tuesday, July 25, 2017

Coaching Trump (Part 6)

Donald Trump continued his dance with overt white supremacy during the spring of 2016 over my objections. But Trump was heading my advice in another area.

"David, let's talk about our proposals for an ObamaCare replacement. I'd love to be able to cover every American," Trump said.
"Don't worry about policy Donny," I answered.

During my time working with Herman Cain, I had tried to teach him foreign policy. It was a disaster. He tried his best, but he came across as ill-informed. Add some allegations of sexual harassment and his candidacy was done. Though Trump was more interested in the wonky side of policy debates, he had an elementary knowledge of the issues, as do most people without experience in government. I decided we wouldn't make the same mistakes as Cain. Instead, we wouldn't even pretend Trump knew the first thing about policy.

"But David, I need something to say when they ask about health care. Right now, I've got nothing. I only talk about repealing ObamaCare. The media is questioning my credibility."
"Forget about that shit," I said. I cussed a lot because, unlike most professions, people in politics cussed a lot. It gave the cusser a feeling of self-importance. The more cussing, the more self-important.
"What about discussing interstate state trade in the context of health care reform," Trump asked.
"No one gives a fuck about that shit in a Republican fucking primary. But whatever, Donny. Just dumb that shit down."

That's when Trump came up with "the lines" line whenever he was asked about health care. I tried to shield him from other things that past presidential candidates absolutely had to know to be considered viable. He was clueless about the nuclear triad. He didn't even really know how a bill became a law or the basic responsibilities of the president. When he would say something stupid about any of the above, the media would mock him, liberals would snicker, and the Republican base lust more and more for Trump.

He maintained his delegate lead throughout the spring. But two things worried me even more than the explicit white supremacy. Trump kept threatening violence at his rallies and the people around him kept taking weird meetings with Russian officials.

Out on stage, Trump's machismo would get out of hand. We had talked about feeding off the crowd and saying ridiculous shit to see if his fans had a line. They didn't. But telling his supporters to punch protesters could be viewed as inciting violence. We didn't need him to get arrested. Things were going well and the reaction to a potential charge was unknown.

As for Russia, his shit-for-brains son and son-in-law had these moronic meetings with Putin's people. They thought it would be insurance against Hillary. I thought it was a catch 22. If we lost the general, Trump probably wouldn't get in trouble for it, but we would lose. If we won, this Russia shit would hang over him like a nuclear cloud. There was no upside to it. And Trump Jr. and Kushner were really stupid in their dealings with the Russians. They would be caught for sure. I tried to get Donny to stop both. He said he would. But you know what happened...