Wednesday, April 26, 2017

Pee and Power

My babies have both peed on my countless times. Yet, if I pee on them, Child Protective Services will take them away. It seems unfair. I guess that;s the nature of power. It's why it's ok to say Black Power, but not White Power, I suppose.

Monday, April 17, 2017

My Babies' Bowel Movements

My babies have three distinct bowel movements.

I call the first one the Donald Dump. That's when there's a lot of sound and fury but very little substance.

The next one is when there seems like a problem, but the true horrors aren't revealed until the facts come out. I call that the Adolph Shitler.

The final one is when the babies go nuclear and everything is destroyed. That's the Harry Pooman.

Sunday, April 16, 2017

When Babies Cry

I have became an expert on determining the meaning behind each of my babies' distinct cries. Each one pretty much means, "Fuck you, Mommy and Daddy. I want you both to suffer!"

Saturday, April 15, 2017

2017 NBA Playoff Predictions

East
Bos over Chi 4-2
Cle over Ind 4-1
Tor over Mil 4-3
Atl over Was 4-2

Bos over Atl 4-3
Cle over Tor 4-1

Cle over Bos 4-0

West
GS over Por 4-0
SA over Mem 4-1
OKC over Hou 4-2
LAC over Uth 4-2

GS over LAC 4-3
SA over OKC 4-0


Finals
GS over Cle 4-2

Wednesday, February 22, 2017

Top 5 QBs, RBs, WRs Now

This list takes more into account than one pass, one game, or even one season. But it's not a list one the best who happen to be active. It also isn't a prediction of what will happen either. Injuries are not ignored. The previous list was posted on February 18, 2016.

Quarterbacks
RankPlayer(Previous Rank)
1Tom Brady(1)
2Aaron Rodgers(2)
3Drew Brees(3)
4Ben Roethlisberger(NR)

5Matt Ryan(NR)



Running Backs
RankPlayer(Previous Rank)

1Le'Veon Bell(2)

2Ezekiel Elliot(NR)

3DeMarco Murray(NR)

4LeSean McCoy(NR)

5David Johnson(NR)



Wide Receivers
RankPlayer(Previous Rank)

1Antonio Brown(1)

2Julio Jones(2)

3Odell Beckham(5)

4T.Y. Hilton(NR)

5Mike Evans(NR)

Friday, February 10, 2017

The Secretary Biographies: Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III

Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III was born on December 24, 1859 in Selma, Alabama to loving parents. His father was a shopkeeper and his mother was considered "a perpetual juvenile" as was typical of most women of the time. In 1864 at the age of five, Sessions was conscripted into the Confederate Army where he fought valiantly and often cried for his mommy.

After the war, Sessions became an outspoken critic of Reconstruction vowing never to become a "dirty Republican" a declaration he would violate 90 years later.

Sessions received his law degree from the University of Alabama, widely considered one of the top law schools in Alabama. He practiced law and soon became a popular conservative commentator. Sessions hailed the 1896 Plessy v. Ferguson Supreme Court decision as "a great verdict, except for the 'equal' part."

Sessions was pro-mustard gas in World War I and anti-Nazi in World War II. After the war, he set out to become one the nation's foremost critics of the Civil Rights Movement. He claims to have coined the offensive pun "Martin Luther Coon" in reference to Civil Rights icon and American hero Dr. Martin Luther King. Sessions can't help but release a chuckle whenever the slur is repeated in his presence. In 1964, he registered as a Republican after the passage of the Civil Rights Act.

In 1986, Sessions was nominated as a federal judge but was rejected as "too racist." At the time he used the n-word an average of 7.1 times a day which classified him as "Extremely Racist." Now, he has cut down his usage to 3.2 n-words per day, which earns him the classification of "Very Racist."

In 1997, Sessions became the oldest member in the history of the U.S. Senate at the age of 137. In the Senate he championed homophobia and Islamophobia. On the issue of gay rights, Sessions declared, "In my day gay meant happy, not sodomy." He still refers to Muslims as "Musulmen" or "Muhammadans" depending on how the mood strikes him.

Yesterday, he was confirmed at the Attorney General of the United States.

Jeff Sessions: Too racist to be a federal judge in 1986, just racist enough to be attorney general in 2017!

Wednesday, February 08, 2017

Betsy DeVos Orders McDonald's

Cashier: Welcome to McDonald's. Can I take your order?
Betsy DeVos: I'll have a sandwich.
Cashier: What kind of sandwich?
Betsy DeVos: Uh, a meat sandwich.
Cashier: Ok. What kind of meat. Chicken or beef?
Betsy DeVos: Beef. I think flight bird meat is so delicious.
Cashier: Wait, I'm confused. You said beef but described a chicken. So, which is it, chicken or beef?
Betsy DeVos: Yes, both chicken and beef are types of meat.
Cashier: Yeah, but which one do you want?
Betsy DeVos: McDonald's serves both chicken and beef.
Cashier: Uh, ok. Would you like fries?
Betsy DeVos: Some people like french fries. Others don't.
Cashier: Ma'am, there's a long line of hungry people behind you... Let's try this. I would like some french fries. Do you agree or disagree with me?
Betsy DeVos: French Fries are a complementary part of a meal.
Cashier: Do YOU want french fries?
Betsy DeVos: McDonald's is a restaurant.
Cashier: Have actually ever been to a McDonald's before?

Sunday, February 05, 2017

What is at the Root of Trump's Popularity?

There has been much debate as to the root of Trump's popularity. Some believe is popularity is racially motivated. Others believe people are attracted to his so-called tell it like is persona.

I believe people voted for him, for the most part, in spite of his racism and lack of basic knowledge about governance. Trump's lifestyle embodies the aspirational opulence that represents the id of the American psyche.

A Reader's Digest poll says 19% of Americans believe they're in the top 1% and I would argue the other 81% think they'll get there at some point in their lives. New York columnist David Brooks notes that in the 1950s 12% of high school seniors viewed themselves as a very important person; forty years later that number rose to 80%.

In the minds of his voters, Trump is living proof that anyone can make a lot of money and rise to the highest position in the land, regardless of innate intellectual ability. His success reinforces their tenuous hold on their own self-importance even though Trump's policies run counter to most of his voters' interests.

Thursday, February 02, 2017

New Food Network Show

My wife has been in and out of the hospital over the past couple of months. While in the hospital, we've been watching a lot of Food Network. My wife likes those shows like Cooks vs. Cons, and Bakers or Fakers. My favorite is Cookers vs. Hookers. I was particularly fond of the Pumpkin Blumpkin Challenge. But the Tossed Salad episode was disgusting, I couldn't ever imagine eating vegetables.

Tuesday, January 31, 2017

Knock Knock

I don't often joke with my students, but yesterday I decided to try and bring a little levity in an uncertain world.


Me: Knock knock

8 year old: (excitedly) Who's there?

Me: What does it matter? We're all just insignificant specs living on a tiny planet where certain segments of humanity fail to celebrate or value our species' different identities, but instead fear them. A world where we care more about how others' actions affect us rather than how our actions affect others. A country where facts and reality hold less authority than the narrative of the powerful. Where political persuasion matters more than competency. So, no, the revelation of a potential visitor for the sake of sophomoric word play matters little at this juncture.

8 year old: (sobs uncontrollably)


I've been granted a one-week leave of absence.