Friday, November 30, 2007


This was going to be a big sports day for me. Both George Mason and the Knicks played on TV.

George Mason faced a 5-1 Drexel team, a very good defensive team, in their first conference game. Campbell, Carter, Thomas, and Vaughan all contributed to the first half domination of Drexel. With Mason comfortably ahead and the starters sitting, Dre Smith simply made everything that he threw up near the basket, extending the lead further. Ultimately, the Patriots won 85-38! If I could tell the Mason players one thing, it would be: It's only one game, a great performance for sure, but it doesn't mean much, you start from scratch next game.

Meanwhile, the New York Knicks went to Boston to play the Celtics. The Celtics have three star players and a solid group of role players. The Knicks don't have any of that. The Knicks lost 104-59. The Knicks barely avoided the lowest scoring performance in franchise history when Nate Robinson threw in a three pointer as time ran out in the contest.

The Knicks' starters quit. I've never been so ashamed to root for a sports team. Stephan Marbury is a terrible basketball player. He is the worst player in NBA history compared to his natural talent. Make him go away. India has a new pro league, they have a league in Iran, I don't really care where he goes, get him out of there. Quentin Richardson is a moron. He fired up the Celtics saying they ain't nothing. I wonder if Richardson would even make the DePaul team any better. I'd love to find out, because it would mean he wouldn't be on the Knicks any more.

It is possible that Zach Randolph has never passed the ball in his life. He puts up nice numbers, but he's a loser. Eddy Curry is garbage and ugly, get him out of there too. I've defended Jamal Crawford for a long time. I'm done. Send him to Siberia.

The Knicks should play Nate Robinson, David Lee, Jared Jeffries, Ronaldo Balkman, and Fred Jones. Charles Barkley said it right, they try, they're just not very good. I'd rather root for that kind of team than the one we have now.

Isiah Thomas assembled this team and coached them into the ground. Fire him now! He should have been fired as soon as the sexual hassment decision was handed down. After this humiliating display, there is no excuse, he must go.

I never thought I'd say this but... I miss Dave Checketts.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Iraqi Tea

By definition, democracy cannot be imposed. Thus, as long as there is an American presence in Iraq, there is no chance for democracy to flourish. There is no political solution and no military solution to the crisis in Iraq. It's an impossible situation and we need to get out now, for the good of the soldiers and the good of the Iraqis.

The situation in Iraq reminds me of the time my friend offered me some tea. He said, "If you want tea, you gotta have a teabag." Then he forced his hairy balls down my mouth. Good times.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Get Informed and Vote

The presidential primary season begins in a few weeks from now. Yet, there are so many intelligent people who know very little about the candidates' positions. There are so many intelligent and educated people who know so little. There are so many intelligent, educated, and thoughtful people who know so little about what is going on. Particularly people of my generation are just so ignorant and apathetic and it's our fault.

This is a frightening proposition. Intelligent people, educated people, and thoughtful people, or any combination of the three, need to be the ones to determine those that run our country. These people need to take the leadership in this process. Particularly the younger generation. We've seen what happens when the world is left up to older people. We must take control.

The fate of the world is in our hands. Learn about the candidates' positions. You are smart enough, equipped to, or analytical enough to scrape through the bullshit the media and the candidates themselves put out and find where they stand. We must create our own calling and not allow us to be ignored.

Monday, November 26, 2007

My Teams on TV

Here's a list of games featuring my teams that I've been able to watch on tv. Keep in mind I don't have your HDs or Tivos or whatever. I got the same good old basic cable that we've had since 1988.

Buffalo Bills 5-6
opponent - result
Pittsburgh - L
NY Jets - W
Dallas - L
Baltimore - W
Cincinnati - W
New England - L
Jacksonville - L

I'm glad I've got to watch so many Bills games this season. It's probably more games than I've been able to see over the last several years combined. They've been an easy team to root for, filled with underdogs and featuring exciting games.

New York Knicks 3-9
opponent - result
Denver - W
Chicago - W

The only thing that could turn this team around is if I'm able (and willing) to watch them.

college basketball
George Mason Patriots 5-1
opponent - result
Vermont - W
Kansas State - W
Villanova - L

Mason is a team with the talent to make the NCAA tournament and then ruin your bracket again. Folarin Campbell and Will Thomas are the team's best players and both started in the 2006 Final Four. The role players are quite talented as well.

Miami RedHawks 3-1
opponent - results
Southern California - L
Mississippi State - W

Bramos and Tim Pollitz are the two best players for a team that utilizes a methodical style. They have plenty of hardworking role players. With wins over Xavier and Mississippi State, Miami is on their way to creating a strong resume to make the NCAA Tournament, where their style could upset somebody.

Georgetown Hoyas 3-0

I haven't seen Georgetown play yet. Roy Hibbert, Jesse Sapp, DeJuan Sommers, and Jonathan Wallace are the best returning players from last year's Final Four team.

college football
Miami RedHawks 6-6
opponent - result
Akron - W

Couldn't really tell you anything about them. I'm just not a college football fan because of the stupid BCS. All I know it that Akron game was probably the most boring game I've ever watched, despite the combined 4 interceptions in the end zone.

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Two in a Row

The Buffalo Bills lost their second straight game, this time Jacksonville against the Jaguars. The game represented a typical bad game for the Bills this season. The J.P. Losman-led offense couldn't move the ball. The defense bent but didn't break until the end when the Jaguars added two touchdown within the last three minutes of the game to make it look worse than it was.

The Bills are 2-5 with Losman as a starter and 3-1 when Trent Edwards gets the nod. Loman has proven himself to be a competent and even flashy QB in small doses, something that would make him a valuable backup at this stage of career. He has also proven that he can't win consistently when he starts. He threw for 211 yards with 1 TD, but committed three turnovers, including two picks.

I caught the fourth quarter and Losman wasn't able to come threw in the clutch with his team down by 8. He threw a late interception, which drained the team of its remaining spirit and allowed Jacksonville to pour it on with 14 late points.

The loss of rookie running back Marshawn Lynch over the last two games as been huge. Without him, they're a struggling bunch without an offensive identity and a beat up defense. With him, they're a young exciting team, with a varied offense and an over-achieving defense.

The best part of the Bills has been the special teams on all sides. They'll need help from the other two sides of the ball down the stretch. The Bills have to start winning again immediately against Washington.

Saturday, November 24, 2007

John Edwards - A Closer Look

John Edwards is a former senator from North Carolina and running for the Democratic nomination for president.

Here are some of Edwards' points that I like:
  • Would withdraw all combat troops within 10 months of inauguration
  • Healthcare plan: gov't competes with private insurance companies
  • Universal pre-kindergarten, pay raise for teachers in low-income schools
  • Would reverse NAFTA
  • Against vote naming Iran Revolutionary Guard a terrorist group
  • A path to citizenship for undocumented immigrants

Here are some I don't like:

  • Believes only 50,000 troops should be withdrawn from Iraq now
  • Would only withdraw 50,000 within several months of inauguration
  • Would overhaul No Child Left Behind, no do away with
  • Punish employers for hiring undocumented workers
  • Pro-death penalty
  • Against gay marriage (for civil unions)
  • Wants fencing and increase security on Mexican border

Here are some irrelevant fun facts:

  • Believe or not, it's a wig
  • Won Miss North Carolina 1976
  • Was never an ambulance chaser, he waited near the hospital
  • Has unhealthy obsession with Steven Seagal
  • Is the son of mill worker, and a bad mill worker at that
  • Boxed under the name Pretty Pete McIrish
  • Can't see dead people, but can smell them in his backyard

Friday, November 23, 2007

As Pakistan Turns

The political scene in Pakistan has played out like a soap opera.
Backstory: During the 1990s, Nawaz Sharif and Benazir Bhutto exchanged the title of prime minister of Pakistan with each other back and forth. The one in power was the face of dictatorial corruption and the one not in power represented hope, change, accountability, and democracy.

During the mid 1990s, a former cricket captain, national hero, and relative of one of my friends, came onto the political scene. Imran Khan started a fledgling party to counteract the cycle of corruption rampant at the country's highest level.

Meanwhile, a man named Pervez Musharraf continued to work his way up the military ladder.

In 1999, it happened to be Nawaz Sharif's turn to run Pakistan into the ground again. He had recently fired his military chief and replaced him with a man named Pervez Musharraf. Sharif continued to be weary of the military power. One night, Musharraf was on his way back to Pakistan when his plane was hijacked in a sense. Sharif ordered the aircraft not be allowed to land in the country. He told them to go to Bombay if they wanted to land. Bombay, of course, is located in enemy territory.

The military caught wind of what was going on and dethroned Sharif. After his plane landed in Pakistan with barely enough fuel, Musharraf was placed in power. Immediately Sharif and Bhutto were forced to flee the country.

Musharraf's rule towed the line of having to cater to the demands of the United States in the war on terror while not upsetting his constituency. He held the duel roles of Pakistani president and military chief throughout.

2007: With an election approaching this year, Musharraf took actions to make sure he stayed in power. He suspended the chief justice of the supreme court because they disagreed. This made him immensely unpopular in a country where the elite are very conscious of how they are viewed in the wider world, especially when compared to rival India.

This fall, with the election approaching, suddenly old faces started to reappear. Muharraf and Bhutto were in negotiations to come to a power-sharing agreement.

Nawaz Sharif wanted back in and flew to Pakistan, for the first time since he fled. Upon arrival a tense standoff occurred while Sharif was on his plane on the tarmac. Sharif was whisked away and found himself on a plane to Saudi Arabia.

The next to attempt to come back was Benazir Bhutto. She arrived amongst cheers that she would restore democracy back to Pakistan. Perhaps short-memories are a national attribute.

Now: Soon after, Musharraf declared a state of emergency. He deterred his political enemies, which was just about everyone in Pakistan by this point. Bhutto was placed under house arrest. The police came for the small time, under-funded cricket player-turn-politician. But Imran Khan ran and hid. Eventually he gave himself up to the cheers of students gathered at a rally. Bhutto's house arrest was eventually lifted. International pressure has continued to build on Musharraf's shoulders. He hasn't kept his promises of democracy and now his rule is hurting his country.

In this crazy scene, Nawaz Sharif is intending to make another trip back to Pakistan this Sunday. Join us next time for As Pakistan Turns.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

The Case Against 50 Shekel

50 Shekel was a terrible Jewish parody rapper who has since found Jesus and is now a terrible Christian rapper. I will attempt to prove that he is terrible, an embarrassment, offensive, and I hate him.

I must admit that his name is brilliant. He took the name of a popular rapper, 50 Cent, and then exchanged the name Cent for the Israeli alternative, Shekel. The only thing I can think of more clever than that is Snoopy Catt.

50 Shekel has the worst rhymes, the worst flow, and the worst voice. He says that kids think he's cool. Kids think peeing in their pants is cool. They think eating their own boogers is cool. They think Britney Spears is cool. 50 Shekel says adults think he's cool. These are the same people who thought Elvis was soulful and original.

50 Shekel's music is corny. In Ecuador, they make canguil out of 50 Shekel CDs. Amerindians call his music maizey. On the 4th of July, we eat 50 Shekel Cds-on-the-cob. Snickers has shifted to high-fructose 50 Shekel CDs syrup. He's worse than my jokes.

50 Shekel claims that he's not a stereotype. He explains in a very nebishy way, "I'm just being me. I don't know, am I a stereotype?" The answer is yes. Perhaps your personality is an offensive stereotype. It's not unheard of. Perhaps when Jewish people look at you or here your terrible rhymes, they are embarrassed because you are a digusting stereotype that makes Bill Riccio smile. Even your name, Aviad Cohen is a stereotype.

In addition, you're mocking Hip Hop, a form of art and cultural expression started by blacks and Puerto Ricans. So you're embarrassing and offending them too. Sure, there is room for other cultures to expand the dimensions of Hip Hop, but I hope you don't think your terrible songs are part of that expansion. You make C. Delores Tucker look like Chuck D.

50 Shekel says that his inspiration came from seeing many creative Jews, but nobody was doing what he was doing. There's a good reason for that. It's because you suck.

You think you're hot shit because you're a kohen? Fuck that. Man, my balls are kohanim (that's true). That shit went out with the Holocaust. We're all the same.

Now 50 Shekel is a Jew for Jesus, also known as a Christian. Jews don't believe that Jesus is the messiah or divine, it's kind of a fundamental thing. So you can't be a Jew for Jesus. You gotta pick one, either you're a Jew or you're for Jesus. You think calling him Yeshua fools us? We know you're talking about Jesus douchebag.

So you're a Christian and you've stereotyped Jews. Why don't you just piss on Yad Vashem, Mr. Cohen? You're a disgrace to the human race, you fuckface. Go to hell. Case closed.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Sad State of Affairs

The New York Knicks are 2-8. It's not a likeable underdog 2-8. It's not a give-it-all-you-got but under-talented 2-8. It's a franchise in turmoil 2-8. A sexually harassed 2-8. A 2-8 with very little redeeming qualities.

The coach, Isiah Thomas is better at sexually harassing than at coaching basketball. Stephon Marbury is better at leaving the team than running a team. Eddy Curry, Zach Randolph, and Quentin Richardson aren't very good at anything. None of the above is tremendously likeable.

I've always felt that Jamal Crawford has the talent to become the scoring leader of a decent team. He needs to be more consistent and have a new collection of teammates. Eventually, I'm just going to have to admit that I was wrong, but that moment hasn't arrived yet.

The sad thing about it is that guys like Ronaldo Balkman, Nate Robinson, and David Lee are associated with this bunch of heartless losers. At least these three try. They actually dive on the floor if the ball is rolling around there. They might even want to win the game, at least Lee and Balkman.

It's a sad state of affairs when it's excruciating to root for your favorite team since childhood, but that's what the Knicks have become. It's time to fire Isiah Thomas and get rid of everyone on the Knicks and fast. Hey, Thomas managed to revamp the team into this mess in only a couple years time, so it's possible.

Monday, November 19, 2007

Blacks vs Jews, Emcees

On this edition of Black vs Jews, a friendly competition between the groups, we'll examine two emcees. Talib Kweli is my favorite emcees and he's black. 50 Shekel is an emcee and a Jew.

Talib Kweli rhymes about righting injustices, hope in the heart of darkness, and he does it with an angry compassion. He describes himself as a "legendary lyricist, nice-guy persona. My songs celebrate life and you can play them for your mama." 50 Shekel is a Jewish paraody rapper, who isn't as good as Jew Live Crew or Jew Tang Clan. 50 Shekel doesn't describe himself in rhyme.

Kweli says things like, "Even when the condition is critical, when the living is miserable, your position is pivotal, I ain’t bullshitting you." - Get By

50 Shekel says things like, "You can find me in da shul, praying after school. Honey I got the Chevitz if you're jumping in my pool." - In Da Shul

Kweli: “Who needs the chains when you can enslave the mind.” - Time Zone

50 Shekel says, well, let's get some more Kweli lyrics: “In Africa, they’re starving. Over here, the food hurts you. Cows gone mad and the chickens caught the bird flu.” - Eat to Live

Kweli: “No question being a black man is demanding. The fire’s in my eyes and the flames need fanning.” K.O.S. [Determination]

50 Shekel: "The best part is, when I get all these kids who email me, all these adults who email me, I don't feel so much alone as a Jew. Oy." An interview about why he's not an embarrassing stereotype

Kweli: "At exactly which point do you start to realize that life without knowledge is death in disguise." K.O.S. [Determination]

50 Shekel rather awkwardly, somewhat arrogantly, and sort of insultingly states: "When I met an African-American teenage girl who heard my song, she kept on singing the chorus to "In Da Shul" all day. She wanted to know what the words meant, so I explained it to her and she totally got it. Who would ever imagine that an African-American girl from Harlem would get a chance to learn some Yiddish and sing a fun Jewish song with 50 Shekel? I feel that what I'm doing is bridging the gaps between Jews and non-Jews and uniting races."

Kweli: "My heart goes out to everyone at Ground Zero. Red, black, yellow, white, and brown heroes. It's more complicated than black or white. To give your own life is the greatest sacrifice." - The Proud

50 Shekel: "Wait 365 to light my menorah. Spin the dreidel as we read from the Torah." - Chanukah Jam

Kweli: "A flower that grow in the ghetto know more about survival than the one from fresh meadow." - Love Language

50 Shekel has said, "I'm always going to be me and part of being me is being a Jew. So instead of changing everything and hiding from being a Jew, I decided to completely do the opposite, embrace it and not just embrace it, but speak out for our culture. It's about celebrating the culture and celebrating the Jew life." He has since found Jesus and become a Jew for Jesus, who are usually called Christians.

Talib Kweli has something to say about that too, "Taught that if you don’t know Jesus, then you lead a hollow life. Never question that Jesus was Jewish, not a Christian, nor that Christianity was law according to politicians. Who is King James? And why did he think it was so vital to remove chapters and make his own version of the bible?" - Give 'em Hell

The winner is obviously:
Talib Kweli
Overall standings: Blacks 5 Jews 2

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Let's Move On

After a game like this, it's hard to put emotions into words. The disappointment mostly stems from the fact that the Buffalo Bills are a likeable bunch, easy to root for. They're made up of a collection of underdogs, who have beaten the odds to get into the playoff race.

The big loss to the Patriots tonight is hard to take. A veteran team would take the thrashing and come back with a lot of pride. But the Bills are young and are momentum-driven. Confidence matters for the whole team and it's hard to have a lot it after that game.

Granted, the Bills didn't have Marshawn Lynch because of injury. Trent Edwards would have been a better fit than J.P. Losman because of Edwards' methodical approach to the passing game. Losman is an all-or-nothing gambler, which requires the Bills' defense to be on the field an awful lot against the impeccable Patriots attack.

The loss was not unexpected. At 5-5, the Bills are still just fine. The crucial games are clearly against the Jaguars and the Browns. The three contests against the NFC East will be challenges. Dick Jauron should just throw out the film from this game and let's move on.

notes: Can someone please tell Al Michaels and John Madden that the Bills never accused the Patriots of running up the score? Thanks. Then Madden chastised the Bills for continuing to play in the last two minutes. He thought they shouldn't pass the ball and call timeouts if they're going to criticize the Patriots for running up the score. Again, the Bills didn't say anything about running up the score (considering it was still during the game. Dick Jauron congratulated Bill Belichick afterwards anyway). The Bills also didn't call timeout. So shut the hell up Madden and Michaels.

Once and for all, J.P. Losman is not Jewish and you're an idiot for thinking so. Peyton Manning is not Jewish and you're insane for thinking so.

Saturday, November 17, 2007

Dennis Kucinich - A Closer Look

Dennis Kucinich is a congressperson from Ohio and running for the Democratic nomination for president.

Here are some of Kucinich's points that I like:
  • For a full withdrawal of troops from Iraq
  • Voted not to fund the war
  • Against the death penalty
  • Pro-gay rights, marriage
  • Pro-gun control
  • Healthcare for undocumented workers, path to citizenship, no wall on the border

Here are some I don't like:

  • Wants to fully fund No Child Left Behind, not do away with
  • Health care plan impractical, buying out insurance companies
  • No real environmental plan, beyond "harmony with nature"
  • Running a narrow campaign as anti-war candidate (there are others in the race)

Here are some irrelevant fun facts:

  • Voted not to fund the Hundred Years War
  • Baseball fan, can't throw a baseball 5 feet. Can kick it a mile
  • Thinks the pope is an infallible douchebag
  • Supports aliens of all kind
  • Is annoying to watch a football game with:
  • Keeps saying, "There are no illegal procedures, only undocumented procedures."

Friday, November 16, 2007

Perseverance Personified

In an attempt to continue to avoid writing about the Knicks and their situation, I want to talk about one reserve player. Two and half years ago Darius Washington Jr. missed two out of three free throws that would have taken his underdog Memphis Tigers to the NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament in an improbable late season run. Instead, they missed the tournament.

As a sophomore, the following year, Washington led his team to the ranks of one of the country's greats. Memphis made the Elite 8 of the NCAA Tournament. Darius Washington had redeemed himself and left school for the NBA that summer.

It proved to be a premature decision. Washington wasn't drafted, didn't make an NBA team, and spent the season playing overseas.

This season, Darius Washington was back. He made the San Antonio Spurs at the start of the season and even played in their opener. He hasn't made his mark yet in the NBA. In nine games he's averaged 3.6 points, 1.3 rebounds, and 1.3 assists in just 10.4 minutes per contest. He might not last this time around. The rumor is that he'll be sent down to the Development League shortly. But Washington has fought his way back from disappointment before. Whatever happens, his detemination is to be respected and because of that, I believe he'll ulitimately be successful.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

In Memory of a Friend

Today is the anniversary of the death of my friend Jimmy. He was someone so close to me. We were able to fight with one another, but we always knew there was love behind it. My favorite thing to do was hangout in the Taco Bell with Jimmy for hours. I've blamed myself for his death through the years. There's certainly a chance that our beloved trips contributed to his death. He died of chronic diarrhea. Honestly, I don't know if I'll ever live it down.

We used to play sports with each other all of the time. In class, I would day dream strategies to try and beat him in whichever sport was in season. Our favorite was basketball. We used to pretend that we were NBA players. I would be Anthony Peeler and he was usually Chris Dudley. We had an innocence back then. In a cold world, a friend and a dream is all that really matters.

I have so many fond memories of Jimmy. We saw our first concert together, Da Bush Babees. Of course, our Dudley-Peeler matchups were legendary. We used to fight in the street if one of us said anything the least bit off-putting to the other. I remember one time Jimmy came over when we were very young. I told a joke that sent him into a state of hysteria. He went home laughing. The joke was so funny that, after Jimmy left, I threw up my apple juice.

We always used to clown on each other. It was so much fun because never took it seriously. I told tons of fat jokes at Jimmy's expense, even though he made Manute Bol look big-boned. He used to tell black jokes. I'm not black, but I always took it as a metaphor or something.

We used to call up people from school that we didn't like and threaten them. Those prank calls were often the highlight of my day. We were just two friends bonding and of course, getting into a bit of mischief. Jimmy was such a good person. One of our acquaintances was a bit spooked because someone kept calling her and threatening her family. She wasn't sure if it was a prank or if she was in real danger. Jimmy was so compassionate in calming her down. She felt much better.

I really miss him. Sometimes I stay up late at night staring at old photos of the two of us. A tear runs down my cheek and I try to keep those memories dry and pure. How can such a good person die so young? It doesn't seem fair. In war, when your best friend is killed beside you, you tend to forget about everything and fight with reckless abandon. That's the way I've responded to Jimmy's death and his chronic diarrhea.

Rest in peace buddy. I love you.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

From the Salvation Army

Today I received a card from the Salvation Army. Here it is:

Dear Christmas Friend, (is that real thing?)
Could you open your heart and share your blessings this Christmas? (of course I could. I won't).
With your donation, we can give the less fortunate in our community holiday meals, warm clothes, toys, and Christmas joy. (what if they're a Jew or Muslim?)
A gift of any amount is very much appreciated!! (how about none?)
Thank you and God Bless. (They wrote out "God," now I can't throw out the stupid card)

On the other side:

May you have...
The Spirit of Christmas which is peace. (I'm a Jew)
The Gladness of Christmas which is hope. (I'm a Jew)
The Heart of Christmas which is love (I'm a Jew)

Have a truly blessed Christmas! (still a Jew)
-your local Salvation Army

I've written my own letter to the Salvation Army:

Dear Fuckface Friend,
Could you leave me the fuck alone this Christmas? I'm sick of this shit.
I would prefer to give a donation devoid of a proselytizing message, religious imperialism, and "Christmas joy." I give when I feel like it, not during some stupid ass commercialized holiday.
If you never contact me again, that would be greatly appreciated!!
Fuck you and go to Hell

May you have to...
Put up with tons of people wishing you a Merry Christmas which is annoying because I'm a Jew.
Confront unbelievably tacky Christmas decorations in early November which is ostentation, arrogant, and often nonsensical.
Watch the NBA and eat Chinese food on Christmas which is true, because I'm not a big movie-goer.

I hope something terrible happens to you on Christmas, like a Holocaust or a Spanish Inquisition.
-your local Kike Navy

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Rookie of the Year- Ryan Braun!

Ryan Braun won the 2007 NL Rookie of the Year! He had an amazing season as the third baseman for the Milwaukee Brewers. Plus, he's Jewish.

This is the best thing to happen to the Jews since Marvin Hamlisch composed the Oscar-winning score for The Way We Were (two Marvin Hamlisch jokes in a week? Damn, that's abysmal). This is big, like end of the Holocaust big. Like your granddaughter is marrying a doctor big. Like the gentile supermarket ran out of gefilte fish, so you don't have to eat that drek with its filthy jelly big. Like a Sandy Koufax no-hitter or Hank Greenberg's 58 homers in 1938 big.

Mazel tov Ryan Braun. Keep being you, Jew.

Monday, November 12, 2007

It's All Relative in the NFL

One of the great things about the NFL is that every team has a different culture throughout the years. You know when you get the Pittsburgh Steelers, they'll have a monster defense fueled by great linebackers and a head coach with job security. Nobody circles the wagons better than the Buffalo Bills. The Tennessee Titans have an over-achieving defense and a QB that may not set records with his arm, but is simply a winner.

Take the Skins, and you'll have a bunch of overpaid underperformers and a coach out of his element (at least in the Dan Snyder era). With the Miami Dolphins, you're watching a bunch of nazi losers. No matter the talent on the Arizona Cardinals, they'll find a way to lose. The Eagles have a Red Sox-like fatalism and a bunch of moronic fans. Detroit is haunted by the ghosts of Bobby Layne and Wayne Fontes.

These distinct cultures make the NFL great. Sure, every team could have the same philosophy and their history could be deemed irrelevant, but it wouldn't be as fun and rewarding. Unfortunately, neo-conservatives can't appreciate these differences just as they don't believe in relativism in the larger world. That's how we get a mess in Iraq, because the planners of the war didn't take into account its culture uniqueness and distinct history. Had they understood Iraq irrespective of their ideology, they would've known better than to invade that country.

The NFL could make every team play like the Patriots, but that would be boring. If teams want to play like Patriots, it should be their own choice and they should take only what works for them. After all, the Patriots franchise isn't even that great, considering it was caught cheating. Do we want the NFL to be a bunch of cheaters? Imposing the dominant culture just makes things worse.

The differences are what make this world so great. I appreciate different perspectives and histories. These should be celebrated seriously, instead of cast aside like Miami's playoff hopes.

Sunday, November 11, 2007


Bills fans know that a game in Miami is always trouble, no matter how bad the Dolphins are in any given season. Miami is miserable, but they took a 3-0 into the 3rd quarter. Chris Kelsay sacked the Dolphins nazi QB, Dr. WhoGivesAShit, in the endzone to create the bizarre score of 3-2.

The Dolphins extended the lead to 10-2, but Marshawn Lynch gained yards when the Bills desperately needed them, including a TD and a 2-point conversion to tie the score. Another drive led to a field goal and a Bills 13-10 win.

The Bills won a scary game in ugly fashion, but it was one they had to have. Buffalo is now 5-4, winning 4 straight and 5 out of their last 6 games. Hopefully Trent Edwards will be starting shortly, but for now, J.P. Losman is holding down the fort. Next week is a very tough game against the Patriots at home. It would be a perfect set up for an upset, except that the Pats have had two weeks to prepare. Dick Jauron has done a wonderful job so far and we'll see what happens.

Saturday, November 10, 2007

Blow the Horn

The show Around the Horn on ESPN is terrible. Take four sports writers, have them do yell about things of which they have no idea, and declare a winner. The format isn't horrible, but they have the wrong cast of characters. The four participants are journalists, not analysts. The sports writers try to predict what is going to happen and make sense of what already has, but none of them are qualified to do so.

They scream about different sports topics and they're almost always wrong, but there's no accountability. It's a sad commentary on journalism as a whole. Reporters acting like experts and these so-called experts yelling like Pat Robertson at a gay pride parade. How can people have such righteous indignation for things they know nothing about? Particularly sports writers seem to take such pleasure out of athlete's misfortunes. What about fairness? What about scruples? What about morals? The whole damn system is out of wack! They've taken over how we get information. Even search engines are paid off to put certain links on top. Our minds have been invaded. They've planted their flag in our consciousness. If it was Larry Johnson , they'd fine him $75,000, but they are above the law. We need to question everything. Mental revolution. Fuck Pat Robertson.

Friday, November 09, 2007

The Hurt Continues

I haven't talked to my beloved Kerri Strug for the longest time. All I want to do is hear her sweet albeit high-pitched voice. Perhaps our exchange of words would become a bit flirty. As she playfully swats at an imaginary fly on my strong manly arm, she let's out an, "Oh, you." The touching becomes more magnetic until we can't keep our hands off of each other. The magic spreads to our lips and after I steal the Slug line, "You kiss like you already came." She is attracted to that humble arrogance and soon we whisk away so she can use my body like a hirsute vault thingy.

I've awoken. That isn't reality and it will never be. The pain is too great to take. It's worse than a thousand Iraq wars, a hundred genocides in Darfur, 45 Hurricane Katrinas, 14 Spanish Inquisitions, a couple of Holocausts, another O.J. trial, and having to watch the Miami Dolphins play football. Not put together though, it's worse than each separately, I don't want to be overdramatic.

I've thought about devoting all of my attention away from Kerri Strug and focusing on Miri Ben-Ari. But Miri Ben-Ari is going away on tour and doesn't live in the Washington DC area anyway. Of course she would be the perfect solution for this pain if only things were different. Right now it feels like she'll only cause more pain. Nothing can happen for the time being, so why should I become emotionally invested in Miri Ben-Ari.

But I feel like I would do almost anything to take my mind, my heart, and my soul away from Kerri Strug and her little flexible self. If only I was that mat in Atlanta where she landed her one-footed dismount in the 1996 Olympics to give the US the gold medal in the team gymnastics competition, maybe my spirit would be far from the crushed egg it has become. But for now, all I know is tears.

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

Love Lost

There it was. A google search had taken someone to The HaraQuack Times with the words "Kerri Strug," "boyfriend," and "Jonathan." I cried all night.

I loved Kerri Strug once. But it wasn't meant to be. At least, that's what I tell myself in order to find comfort. I've tried to find another woman to replace Kerri Strug in my heart, but I don't think I even give anyone else a chance. My lingering feelings for her are often unwanted. I feel like I'll never be happy without her. Can I ever love again? I'm not sure if I can accept the sensual embrace of a woman who isn't named Kerri Strug. I haven't had sex in so long, A.C. Green feels bad for me.

I long for the days where I would wake up with her in my arms. A gentle kiss on the back of the neck. Stroking her hair. Smiles secured on our faces. The world would make sense again. Why isn't she with me now? Why won't she be with me in the future either?

Who the fuck is this Jonathan? How come I hadn't heard of him until now? I had to learn about this so-called Jonathan this way? Through a google search? She didn't even have the decency to tell me that she had feelings for another. I'm so angry, but strangely, not at her. I love her. I just want to be with her. It doesn't help to hear her name out of the mouth of Tony Kornheiser on Monday Night Football.

You might wonder why I would let a woman make me feel this way. I wonder myself why I can't overcome this sadness. It might be true that I've never met Kerri Strug, but that doesn't soften the pain. I sometimes stay up late at night and wish I never chose her in the 16th round of our Jew Draft. Perhaps had I gone with my instinct and picked Marvin Hamlisch, this devastating episode would have never happened. Maybe my eyes would still have life in them. My life may even have meaning. But we can't change the past. They say time heals all wounds. The days seem to pass by so slowly. It doesn't help that my calender features the 1996 US Olympics Gymnastics Team.

Monday, November 05, 2007

Dinesh, Jesus, and Adolph

I watched a debate recently which involved Dinesh D'Souza arguing that Christianity was the most positive force in the world and atheism is one of the most destructive. D'Souza said that the murderous regimes of Mao, Stalin, and Hitler were all fueled by their atheism. Unfortunately for D'Souza's argument, Adolph Hitler was Christian.

I can see why Christians may not want to scream that Hitler was one of them from the mountain tops. Hitler didn't go to church, but he was raised as a Christian and even identified as one. He believed he was performing the Lord's work. Besides being factually accurate, Hitler as a Christian makes a lot more sense than Hitler as an aethist. He despised Jews and homosexuals; between Christians and atheists, who does that sound more like? Atheists don't really have any justification (real or imagined) to hate those two specific groups.

I don't think D'Souza was intentionally dishonest. I believe he was intellectually lazy. Perhaps he grew up with the belief that Hitler was not Christian because his church probably taught him so. Hey, it's easier when you're a kid and don't share a faith with any genocidal dictators. Unfortunately for Christian kids and Dinesh D'Souza's argument, Hitler was a Christian. He also tried to argue that the Spanish Inquisition really wasn't all that bad. On behalf of my Muslim brothers and sisters and my fellow Jews: fuck you asshole!

Sunday, November 04, 2007

Still Rolling

The Buffalo Bills have won 3 straight games and 4 out of their last 5. Their latest triumph came at home over the Cincinnati Bengals, 33-21. J.P. Losman started the game and played very well. He threw for 295 yards passing and a touchdown. Marshawn Lynch ran for 153 yards including an amazing 56 yards trot towards the end of the game. Lynch also threw his first NFL pass, which resulted in a touchdown. Lee Evans exploded for 165 yards receiving and a touchdown.

The Bills defense is filled with a bunch of guy who are undersized, but work their asses off. It's inspiring to watch. I was fortunate to get to watch them on TV yet again. They are undersized and underexperienced, but the Bills defense shows the importance of desire and will. Former wide receiver George Wilson has been impressive as the former third string safety and Jabari Greer continues to play well at corner back, also a former third stringer. The tough secondary beat up Bengal wideout Chad Johnson, who left on a stretcher near the end of the game. I wish him the best.

At the start of the season, a friend of mine didn't see any wins for the Bills during the first half of the year, mostly because of their difficult schedule. I thought we could be 4-4 and if we were, we'd have a good shot at the playoffs. Well, here we are, 4-4. It has been the most inspiring 4-4 team I've ever seen. I'm glad they're my team. GO BILLS!

Saturday, November 03, 2007

Oh Yes!

It was reported that the Miami Dolphins actually offer to pay celebrities to go to their games. They have to do this because they are so terrible and no one wants to attend. As a Buffalo Bills fan, this is some of the sweetest news I've ever heard. My brother and I regard the Miami Dolphins as Nazis. Former Dolphins Jay Fiedler and Sage Rosenfeld are no longer considered to be Jewish in my mind. Oh Lord, I hope this futility lasts.

In other football news, I've never like college football. I will keep a college football game on my television, even just in the background, only if Pam Ward is announcing. She is really good and quite underrated.

Friday, November 02, 2007

God Hates Your Family

Check out these articles:
Protest At Marine's Funeral Costs Church
Kansas church liable in Marine funeral protest

A fanatical anti-gay church evidently goes around protesting at the funerals of dead soldiers. The church is located in Kansas and consists of 70 members who are all related in some way. Many of them are related to each other in multiple ways. They hold up signs that say "God hates fags," but apparently the Lord is a little looser when it comes to incest.

The church protested the funeral of a fallen marine in Maryland last year. The father of the marine sued and won $11 million. They should have known not to come around here. From one of the above articles:

Snyder's [the marine's father] attorney, Craig Trebilcock, had urged jurors to determine an amount "that says don't do this in Maryland again. Do not bring your circus of hate to Maryland again."

Fucking right! Take that shit back to your farm in Kansas. We're civilized over here. Not only are we extremely liberal, but we're aggressive too. You wanna pull that shit here, you're leaving $11 million poorer. This shit took place in Carroll County. Carroll County? That's one of those places in Maryland that people from the DC suburbs and Baltimore don't like to talk about.

Now you might be wondering why a fanatical anti-gay church group and its incestuous members are protesting at the funerals of dead soldiers. In this case, the marine wasn't even gay. Well, they believe that the Iraq war is punishment for America's tolerance of homosexuality. So the soldiers' deaths are supposedly good, because they were fighting for this doomed country.

WAIT! Get that gun away from your head! You're not crazy. You're right, it doesn't really make any sense even if you assume that their premise is somehow correct. Don't worry, this is simply a small portion of humanity. Take a few minutes, listen to some Stevie Wonder, and come back refreshed.

The church tried to argue that it was ok to hold up signs saying "Thank God For Dead Soldiers" because of the First Amendment. This is why I'm not a big First Amendment guy. The Supreme Court once said that they couldn't define pornography, but they knew it when they saw it. Well, I know hate speech when I hear it and it shouldn't be protected. You're not allowed to yell that you're going to kill the president from the middle of Dupont Circle, you shouldn't be allowed to protest the funeral of dead soldiers with signs saying "God hates fags."

Thursday, November 01, 2007

I Won't Back Down

Well I won't back down, no I won't back down.
You could stand me up at the gates of hell
but I won't back down.
No, I stand my ground, won't be turned around
and I'll keep this world from draggin' me down
gonna stand my ground and I won't back down

Hey baby, there ain't no easy way out.
Hey I will stand my ground
and I won't back down.

Well I know what's right, I got just one life.
In a world that keeps on pushin' me around
but I'll stand my ground and I won't back down.

Hey baby there ain't no easy way out.
Hey I will stand my ground
and I won't back down.

No, I won't back down.

You might think the above is Tom Petty's song I Won't Back Down. You'd be wrong. It's actually John McCain's campaign pledge.