Nonviolence in Baltimore

I've been disappointed at the mischaracterization of the nature and power of nonviolent activism in the context of the Baltimore riots. Nonviolence is not the mayor and police commissioner calling for calm. They're part of the problem. Nonviolence isn't a television writer asking for peace without any solutions.

Nonviolence has become watered down. We now think of marches and protests, speeches and slogan. The sit-ins were a form of nonviolence action. Freedom rides were a nonviolent action. The Salt March was a nonviolent action. In each, people violated an unjust law in a nonviolent fashion in order to change their condition.

The anger in Baltimore is genuine and justified. Just as it was for black people living in the Jim Crow South. Just as it was for Indians living under British colonialism. But a false dichotomy has been created: either we're violent or we're passive.

We need nonviolent direct action in Baltimore to address the issue of police brutality. The police are a violent, bigoted, and corrupt institution with no accountability. They need to be held accountable. Rotating groups of citizens should follow police officers, record their movements, and interfere to protect victims of their brutality.

Rioting is a sign of despair. We are so angry that we destroy our own communities. Our passion needs to be directed. We want to change things, but we crave the organization, ideas, and discipline to do so.

American Flags on America Cars

I was driving in Maryland and spotted an SUV with two American flags flying from its windows. I instantly slowed down and started waving and pointing at the flags. I lowered my window.

"Are you from America?" I shouted, "Me too! Wow, what a coincidence!"
The man at first looked confused and then indignant. "That's not a big coincidence," he scoffed, "We're in America, you moron."
"Exactly."

I sped off.

The Ten Worst States

In 2006, in the hopes of helping our immigrant friends, I developed a list of the ten worst states in America that I've been to. Here is the post. That list included: Mississippi, Florida, Georgia, Texas, Arkansas, Kentucky, New Jersey, Ohio, West Virginia, and Louisiana.

Yahoo! just put out an article about a study by a scholar who determined the most racist states by examining racist Google searches about President Obama. Here's the article. The list includes: West Virginia, Louisiana, Pennsylvania, Mississippi, Kentucky, Michigan, Ohio, South Carolina, Alabama, and New Jersey.

Six are the same. I've never been to Michigan or South Carolina. I drove through Alabama and back once; it was terrible, but I didn't spend enough time to include the state on my list. Pennsylvania has its racist western portion and it also has South Philly. But I wouldn't have guessed it to make the top ten racist states.

At the end of the article, the scholar says, "Prejudice could cost Mr. Obama crucial states like Ohio, Florida and even Pennsylvania." So that includes Florida, which is on my list. I'm shocked Georgia and Arkansas didn't make the top ten racist states, especially in front of Pennsylvania and Michigan. I postulate that Ted Nugent is responsible for the majority of racist anti-Obama Google searches.

Incestuous Americans

In Minnesota, a high school played a prank on its own athletes. The athletes were blindfolded and told they were making out with their sweethearts and then were asked to guess the person they were kissing.

But instead of their sweethearts, they were making out their opposite sex parent. Watch the video here.

Even the Saudi royal family is creeped out by this.

OccupyDC and the Police

I am at the OccupyDC protest. We are standing in the street yelling slogans. "We are the 99%!" "The people have the power!"The police decide to act. "Get on the sidewalk!" The protestors are confused. "Why? What's going on?" "Just get back!" The police do not concern themselves with our questions.

The protestors scramble to either side of the street. The edge of the sidewalk is crowded. I am one step away from the curb, my toes peeking onto the black of the road. "Get back!" a policeman screams at me. Where am I to go? I shoot a dirty look in his direction. "Get back now!" I scoot back a fraction of an inch and touch another protestor. "Get back now!"

The policeman pokes me in the stomach with his club. I slap at the club. He lowers it and swings it at my groin. I am laying in the street face first with my hands clutching my bruised crotch. The policeman stands over me. From his angle, he must not be able to see me rise on all fours. I then squat and spring up, uppercutting him back in the groin.

The policeman falls over my back. He drops his club. I pick it up and jerk it over my head in order to plummet it into his groin repeatedly, occasionally attacking his face. His pants become darker in the groin area as I likely have induced blood to spurt. A policewoman points her gun directly at me.

In the panic, the policewoman must have inadvertently crept too close to me. My survival instinct kicks in and I swat at the gun with the club. I make contact and the gun flies out of the police woman's hands. It strangely lands beside me. I naturally pick it up. I look up and ten police officers are pointing their guns at me.

"This was a peaceful protest. All of these weapons are yours. This man hit me with this club first. This woman pointed this gun at me first." "Drop the gun!" "You started this! This is your gun! I came unarmed!" "Drop the gun!" "I was asserting my right to protest! This was a peaceful protest! You turned it violent!" "Drop the gun!"

The crowd closes in around the tense scene. The wave of people continue to push. People flow in between myself and the police officers. A gun shot echoes and a protestor falls as life leaves his body. I shoot one policeman through the crowd. Another police officer shoots into the crowd, killing another protestor. A protestor picks up the slain police officer's gun and shoots another. That police officer's gun is snatched up by a protestor and soon all of the police officers lay in their own blood, victims of their own weapons.

In that tragic scene, the people begin chanting, "We are the 99% The people have the power!" No other government officials dare show up to challenge us.

Troy Davis and Anwar al-Awlaki

It doesn't matter if you're an American citizen, if the government wants you dead, you will die. Troy Davis and Anwar al-Awlaki could be you or me if we say the wrong thing.

American Crisis of Epidemic Proportions

A strange epidemic has afflicted countless American men recently. They can be seen wandering beaches, competing in shirts-vs.-skins basketball games, and running in the park. These men, sadly, do not possess chest hair.

No one knows the cause of these unfortunates' bare-chestedness. Scientist Alfred Rockingmeyer, Head Researcher at MIT, is firmly in the camp that claims these men suffer from a testosterone deficiency.

Another group, led by psychologist Yohann Ganderpuss, believes the problem is psychological. Ganderpuss asserts that these men are willingly shaving their chests. But there is some dispute as to the reason why they are voluntarily relieving themselves of their chest hair.

Ganderpuss argues that it is part of a deep-seeded gender confusion these men are experiencing. Others argue that these men are suffering from some form of psychosis, which causes them to perform acts of insanity, such as shaving one's chest hair.

The average man on the street is greatly concerned about the epidemic. About the crisis, 29-year old David Handerchuck from Maryland says, "It doesn't seem right, men without chest hair. In my day, we used have a name for a person without chest hair. We called them 'women',"

The only potential treatment, if you have a loved one afflicted, is to throw out all of the razors in his possession. Even razors for women must be disgarded as these men will stop at nothing to cut their chest hair, driven by dementia. And once every razor is thrown out, one can only hope some chest hairs begin to sprout.

The New National Anthem: A Change is Gonna Come

I contend that the new national anthem for the United States should be "A Change is Gonna Come" written by Sam Cooke. It is a song that epitomizes America better than any other.

The song symbolizes American positivity, "It's been a long time coming, but I know a change gon' come. Oh, yes it will." It shows our pride in humble beginnings with the line "I was born by the river in a little tent." Our fear of death is mentioned in the song, "It's been too hard living, but I'm afraid to die because I don't know what's up there beyond the sky."

The song also describes America's history of oppression and persecution, "I go to the movie and I go downtown. Somebody keep telling me, 'Don't hang around.'" Our rugged individualism is represented, "I go to my brother and I say, 'Brother, help me please.' But he winds up knocking me back down on my knees."

The song does not represent only the good of America, but expresses a true depiction of the country. As the "greatest country on Earth" we should be secure enough to have a song that truly represents us as a nation.

Besides, the "Star-Spangled Banner" is merely the best verse of a rather bad poem. Its lyrics are quite inane. It was written during a war in which we lost. The Sousa tune is nice, but Key's words are unbecoming of a national anthem.

The New Terror Alert System

The Department of Homeland Security has done away with the silly color code terror alert system and has come up with a new plan that gives the American public a better indication of what to expect with regards to a given terror alert level.

Terror Alert Level 1: If you see a picture of Charlie Sheen, we are at Terror Alert Level 1, also known as Terror Alert Level Charlie Sheen.

What this means: This means that all hell is breaking loose in the rest of the world, for example, in Japan, the Middle East, and Cote d'Ivoire, but we'd rather not deal with America's role in it all, so we'll focus on making fun of a celebrity experiencing a hard time.

Terror Alert Level 2: If you see a picture of a shark biting Gary Condit's penis, we are at Terror Alert Level 2, also known as Terror Alert Level Shark Biting Gary Condit's Penis.

What this means: This means that America has become so comfortable as to become complacent, which will allow for a history-changing tragedy. Place your bets.

Terror Alert Level 3: If you see a picture of George Bush in full fighter pilot regalia with a huge cod piece, we are at Terror Alert Level 3, also known as Terror Alert Level George Bush in Full Fighter Pilot Regalia with a Huge Cod Piece.

What this means: We are at war and it's going to be a long one, probably with a nation that poses us no threat, but still, your friends and family in the military will likely die. You can take solace in the fact that at least their impending deaths were needless.

Terror Alert Level 4: If you see a picture of Rudi Giuliani's bald spot, we are at Terror Alert Level 4, also known as Terror Alert Level Rudi Giuliani's Bald Spot.

What this means: A terror attack has just occurred. Be vigilant.

Terror Alert Level 5: If you see a picture of clumps of shit running down a leg, we are at Terror Level 5, also known as Terror Alert Level Clumps of Shit Running Down a Leg.

What this means: The world is about to end. Don't be vigilant; it's time to panic! Have sex with your hot relatives, kill your enemies, it doesn't matter anymore, we're all going to die!

See how simple and easy it is to decipher meaning from the New Terror Alert System? Don't you feel better already!

We are currently at Terror Alert Level Charlie Sheen.

Don't watch the BBC, it'll be depressing!

Single Mothers

I'm glad that Americans are coming to accept same sex parents, but what is this bullshit about single motherhood still being rejected by most Americans? America is filled with a bunch of sexist assholes.

It's true that single mothers tend to head lower income households. That might be because women are paid less than men for doing the same job. It doesn't help that women's ability to rise up the ranks is also often stunted by the ever-present glass ceiling.

There is nothing wrong with being raised by a single mother as my brother and I anecdotally show. The issue is class. my brother and I were raised in a middle class single mother household. We are both college educated and have never been in trouble. Our jobs involve helping people. Whether in a single mother household or one that has two parents, kids that grow up in lower income environments are more at risk to be in trouble and have less chance of graduating from college.

There is nothing fundamentally better about having a father than not having a father. What if the father is a bad guy? His presence will likely have a destructive effect on the children. In that case, a single mother is a better option than two parents. That wasn't the case for me, my dad was a good guy, but I'm still not convinced that being raised by two parents would have impacted my life in a more positive way than being raised by a single mother.

So America needs to shove their sexist preconceptions of single motherhood right up their assholes.

America's Quick Fixes

In America, we legislate to the last tragedy. After the underwear bomber attempted to blow up a plane by placing explosives in his pants, the U.S. devised a plan legalizing sexual harassment of air passengers. Airport security personal were required to feel a passengers genitals in order to determine if they had a bomb in their pants.

The argument goes that if security is not increased in this way, a plane full of people could die. Are liberties more important than 200 people's lives? It is a difficult moral question. Nominally speaking, American principle falls on the side of freedom. Think of the number of wars and the millions of lives lost in the name of freedom. But in reality, it's a false dichotomy.

It seems a bit excessive to invade people's privacy in such an egregious manner because one person in the history of humankind attempted to blow up a plane with an underwear bomb. There have been countless billions of people who have graced the Earth; only one has made this attempt. No one will ever try again.

When every man heard about the underwear bomber, none thought about him as a vicious terrorist. Instead, we all thought of him as a nutjob. As a 1980s stand up comic might argue, For every other man their penis is the end, while for the underwear bomber, it was a means.

That takes us to the recent Arizona killings. The instant reaction is that politicians should tone down their exaggerated rhetoric. For once, the quick fix discussion revolves around something noble. Politicians should not associate policy disagreements to a life or death struggle. But the American media and government are still viewing a tragedy through a narrow lens. Instead of hard discussions about the state of mental health or the culture of violence that is the result of America's wars rather than of video games and movies, we get more quick fixes.

Gas Station Stories

I got gas a couple of days ago. I saw a car with a young man donning a backwards hat, a scruffy goatee, and a cross tattoo on his forearm, sitting in his car with a look of consternation on his face. I thought that was weird for 1:30 in the morning, but figured his girlfriend must've broken up with him or something.

After I finished filling up, he got out of his car and approached me. He didn't have much gas and needed to get to Hyattsville. I though, what luck, you're at a gas station. But it turned out that he didn't have any money. He did, however, have weed.

Just his luck, he found the one man in America getting gas at 1:30 in the morning who doesn't smoke weed. I did let him bum a couple of dollars worth of gas from me though and he was more than grateful. As he pulled off, he asked in disbelief, "You really don't smoke weed?"

Sitting Down for the Anthem

The fascist-like social pressure to stand up during the national anthem to honor our freedom is ironic. I'm done with it. If we were truly a free country, we would have the right to choose to honor (or not honor) our country as we individually see fit. So I will no longer be complicit in standing up as a protest against the U.S. military actions and neo-imperialist policies.

Unless, of course, I'm sitting in the wrong (higher-priced) seat at a baseball game and don't want to draw attention to myself.

Jesus Fries

In America, Jesus is not like french fries. If you order a meal, you're then asked if you want fries with that, but if someone asks if you want a blessing, it will always come with a side of Jesus.

An American Story

This is a story that is quintessentially American. A guy complains to authorities that people are driving too fast in front of his house. He effectively advocates for a speed hump (which is also the name of my favorite sex move [uh-uh-done-sorry]).

Another guy, David Patton (not the former NFL wide receiver), takes umbrage with the speed hump and assaults him. A couple of months later, with the pending assault case approaching, Patton comes back, breaks in, and (allegedly) murders the speed hump advocate in his house.

This story has everything that is American: narcissistic advocacy, incredibly irrational murderous rage, guns, sex(?), and zip ties... And that is why I stand during the National Anthem.

The Glenn Beck Speech

My brother and I got on the metro yesterday when a woman donning an African accent asked, "What organization are you guys from?"

Like a boxer punched in the nose and stunned into motionlessness, I didn't have the capabilities to answer that question. I asked her to repeat the question just to buy some time. She asked again and I paused again.

Finally, breaking the awkward silence, I answered, "We're just going to the baseball game," I pointed to my shirt. I continued, "But I think the large crowd is because of the Glenn Beck speech." She didn't know who that was so I explained, "He's some conservative TV show host who gave a speech today." She nodded and turned to mind her own business.

Staring out of the window at the Beckian masses, each of whom appeared to be caricatures of themselves- old white people decked out in red, white and blue, and 100 or so pounds overweight- I commented to my brother, "There's real America." My tongue pressed against my left cheek.

My brother, still harboring the memories of spending four years in western Ohio, decided this wasn't the moment to let insinuations go unspoken. He added, "And it's terrible."

Conservatives will look at that comment and accuse us of a sense of superiority. Nothing could be further from the truth. It's a Christian urge to try to convert everyone to their own point of view. We Jews tend to prefer to mind our own business when it comes to talk of conversion. They can have their "Real" America, whatever that means. It's a faux contest I'm not interested in playing. I just want to be one little piece of humanity.

Solutions

America has a problem with obesity. We have too many people who are too fat. America also has a problem with an oil leak. The oil is gushing and we have no way to stop it. We should dump all of the fat people to plug the leak. That would be killing two birds with one stone!

Speaking of birds, some crazy lady just stopped her car in the middle of the road and then ran into traffic to save the lives of some birds. Now, that is heroic. Let's put her in charge of the EPA.

Terrified in America

I come back to America and people are scared shitless. The Right is scared of Obama. The Left is scared of the Right's fright.

It's all bullshit. This is the most powerful country in the world. Look at the eyes of an Indian teenager when you tell him you're from America. His face fills with delight. It's like explaining that you're from a world of endless chicken curry and handjobs.

Our society is strong. Our economy is strong. You have to be a fucking gymnast to avoid stepping on sleeping homeless people in India. They don't even call them "homeless people" over there; they're just "people." There's too many of them. If you've got a place to live, they call you a "house person."

So the next time you find yourself worrying about the direction of America or the status of the economy, shut the fuck up you perspective-lacking bastard.

In America

I tried to get my pictures developed from CVS, but it was gone. It's not a liquor store. It felt like I was in a bad after-school special about how you can't go home again. So I went to the other CVS, which is now just the CVS. After picking up my pictures, the guy, who was dressed in tatoos and exhibited a gritty voice complimented me on my pictures, although, when I saw them, a lot didn't come out well at all.

I never realized that beef was so difficult to digest. They still have that annoying Geico commerical with the bowling on tv. I've spent most of my time catching up on episodes of Curb Your Enthusiasm and boxing. On Demand is a great thing. So is hot water!

All 50 States!

My perception of every state in the Union (and DC) in a few stereotypical phrases:

Alabama - poverty and hate groups
Alaska - snow and moose
Arizona - dry heat and cacti
Arkansas - Bill Clinton
California - Hollywood, hippies, and Mexicans
Colorado - Denver and its surrounding mountains
Connecticut - rich people
Delaware - the beach and no sales tax
District of Columbia - corruption and gentrification
Florida - old Jews, humidity, and florescent colors
Georgia - Atlanta and its surrounding racists
Hawaii - beaches and Hawaiians
Idaho - potatoes and neo-nazis
Illinois - Chicago and stupid accents
Indiana - basketball and racists
Iowa - corn and caucuses
Kansas - corn
Kentucky - horse racing and racists
Louisiana - gumbo and Marde Gras
Maine - bears and lobsters
Maryland - crabs and my life
Massachusetts - colonial history and douchey sports fans
Michigan - cars and hunting
Minnesota - housewives and their stupid accents
Mississippi - the mecca of bigotry
Missouri - those arches
Montana - gun nuts
Nebraska - corn
Nevada - Las Vegas strip
New Hampshire - small government fanatics
New Jersey - pollution and jerkoffs
New Mexico - Mexicans
New York - big buildings and snoody attitudes
North Carolina - friendly racists and basketball
North Dakota - I forgot it existed
Ohio - Midwestern racists
Oklahoma - cowboy hats and Amerindians
Oregon - old hippies and tall trees
Pennsylvania - Philadelphia and Pennsyltucky
Rhode Island - not an island
South Carolina - hellbent racists
South Dakota - Mount Rushmore
Tennessee - country music
Texas - self-righteous assholes and cowboy hats
Utah - Mormons
Vermont - gay marriage and maple syrup
Virginia - Yuppies and racists
Washington - rain and fishing
West Virginia - sex with family members
Wisconsin - cheese and stupid accents
Wyoming - horses and gun nuts

What a great country!