Thursday, July 07, 2011

American Crisis of Epidemic Proportions

A strange epidemic has afflicted countless American men recently. They can be seen wandering beaches, competing in shirts-vs.-skins basketball games, and running in the park. These men, sadly, do not possess chest hair.

No one knows the cause of these unfortunates' bare-chestedness. Scientist Alfred Rockingmeyer, Head Researcher at MIT, is firmly in the camp that claims these men suffer from a testosterone deficiency.

Another group, led by psychologist Yohann Ganderpuss, believes the problem is psychological. Ganderpuss asserts that these men are willingly shaving their chests. But there is some dispute as to the reason why they are voluntarily relieving themselves of their chest hair.

Ganderpuss argues that it is part of a deep-seeded gender confusion these men are experiencing. Others argue that these men are suffering from some form of psychosis, which causes them to perform acts of insanity, such as shaving one's chest hair.

The average man on the street is greatly concerned about the epidemic. About the crisis, 29-year old David Handerchuck from Maryland says, "It doesn't seem right, men without chest hair. In my day, we used have a name for a person without chest hair. We called them 'women',"

The only potential treatment, if you have a loved one afflicted, is to throw out all of the razors in his possession. Even razors for women must be disgarded as these men will stop at nothing to cut their chest hair, driven by dementia. And once every razor is thrown out, one can only hope some chest hairs begin to sprout.

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