Friday, August 31, 2007

Utilizing Kweli to Answer Hip Hop Critics

Hip Hop is often criticized for promoting misogyny, materialism, and violence. However, the people who perceive Hip Hop in this way almost always are uninformed or don't understand the context. As Talib Kweli says, “Perception is deception. Without the facts you keep guessing.
(Let Me See)

Talib Kweli answers these charges by saying, “Find you finding us no more misogynistic and violent than the society we are born in to.” (Peddlers of Doom)

He explains further, "Hip Hop doesn't exist in a vacuum, it comes from the culture and experiences out of the larger culture, and that's not something really getting talked about."

Kweli adds, “Silence is golden, but violence is platinum.” (Perfect Beat)

Putting the perceived glorification of material things in context, he states, “Back in the day they stole our smile, so we clothe our teeth in gold.” (The Manifesto) Kweli explains that black men wear bling because they were seen as invisible in American society.

He warns, “All material things lose their value in time. That’s why you’ll find I’m a millionaire of the mind. I pack a million thoughts in every rhyme.” (Millionaires)

Kweli isn't apologizing, he's contextualizing: "When you keep it so real that all you're doing is killing people, all you're doing is selling drugs, all you're doing is riding around on 24s, that's not reality anymore. It becomes a caricature of itself, it eats itself."

Hip Hop often times reflects American society. However, expressions of misogyny, materialism, and violence in art are criticized more than they are in reality. Misogyny sells. Materialism sells. Violence sells. Predominately white people are buying... and then criticizing.

To those disparaging Hip Hop:
Do you know enough to do so?
What are you really criticizing?

Basically your take on me ain't making me or breaking me.
(Get Back Pt. II)

Thursday, August 30, 2007

Circuitous Stream of Consciousness

I don't like that some American Muslims feel forced to wear USA on their clothes to avoid getting beat up.

I've noticed more Koreans are donning the Virginia Tech logo in northern Virginia recently, to avoid getting beat up.

Do we really have to root for Virginia Tech as the sentimental favorites in the upcoming football and basketball seasons? I don't like Virginia Tech, I don't want to root for them.

Why is Virginia Tech alum Michael Vick going to jail and Scooter Libby, the vice president's former chief of staff, isn't?

It's clear that George Bush and Dick Cheney are not only out of touch with reality, but even with their own party as leading Republicans increasingly criticize the war in Iraq and question the competence of the recently-resigned attorney general, Alberto Gonzales.

In the future, there will be an influx of Iraqi immigrants to the United States, fleeing their devastated homeland. I hope they won't feel like they have to wear USA on their clothes to avoid getting beat up.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Larry Craig is my Boyfriend

The only way anybody cares about a senator from Idaho is if they're caught in a gay sex scandal.

Larry Craig insists he's not gay. Many people insist otherwise. Why would so many men say they've had some form of sexual contact with Larry Craig if he wasn't? They don't have much to gain from Larry Craig being gay.

I regularly hug many of my friends and kiss them on the cheek, male and female, and yet somehow there isn't a rush of men claiming to have had sex with me. Strange.

If Larry Craig didn't have an anti-gay voting record, his gayness wouldn't be an issue. But he does have an anti-gay voting record, so he's a hypocrite.

Generally when people call press conferences to announce that they're not gay: they are. The only exception is Anne Heche.

I didn't realize that tapping your foot and waving your hand under the stall next to you and making eye contact is a signal that you want to have gay sex. That explains a lot of awkward trips to the bathroom.

Larry Craig could have fought the charges very easily. Unfortunately for him, he didn't follow lesson number one in the manual of proving your innocence: 1) Don't plead guilty.

If you're gay, be gay. Be proud. Don't have an anti-gay voting record.

Larry Charles, let me introduce you to Ted Haggard. Be careful, he's a bad boy, a naughty boy, maybe even a nasty boy.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Two Wonderful Days

The last two nights have featured football, baseball, and basketball at the same time! Yes, I had a Slurpee each night as well. I can't imagine life getting any better. Alberto Gonzales resigned- there we go.

I didn't pay much attention to the pre-season football games. Unlike most football fans, I don't have time for pre-season football games, although I used to watch them when I was younger.

The Nats had a painful loss Friday and haven't recovered since. Up 5-1 in the 9th against the Rockies, Chad Cordero just didn't have it that night. D'Angelo Jimenez botched a slow-roller up the middle and the game was lost. Yesterday the Nats lost in the afternoon. The Mets lost to David Wells and the Dodgers in the night game.

Tonight, Wily Mo Pena sprained his ankle checking his swing in the 4th against the Dodgers. With a 3-2 count, he limped around, drawing attention from the trainer and manager Manny Acta. Pena stayed in the game, but couldn't run. He needed to hit a homerun to have any chance for a productive at bat. After all, he couldn't run. That's just what he did, a 2 run homer to left. I couldn't believe it. He was immediately taken out of the game after crossing home and giving the Nats the lead. The Nats eventually lost.

Basketball comes in the form of the men's FIBA Americas championship, a qualifier for the Olympics next year. The USA team is always the big bad wolf. Everyone wants to see them fall. Not having won a major tournament since 2000, they're also the underdog now. Carmelo Anthony always plays very well with the national team. Jason Kidd, Chauncey Billups, and Deron Williams are the three best American point guards and are all on the team. Kobe Bryant's premise helps a bunch. Among other things, he's a great outside shooter. So are Mike Miller and Michael Redd, a big weakness for the USA team in years past. Carmelo is really the team's only post up player. The lack of a big man post up player is a concern (no disrespect to Dwight Howard and Amare Stoudemire, it's just not their game), but I feel very confident with this team. They're flashy, but they work hard too.

Here's to more great days.

Monday, August 27, 2007

Evil Leaders League, Semis 1st Leg

This is the semifinals of the Evil Leaders League's second season. The playoffs will consist of two legs in this round, best aggregate score wins. The finals is a best of 3 series, but we'll worry about that when we get there. First we have the task of determining who is the evil leader to be relegated. Islam Karimov and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad tied for 5th, so the winner of a one matchup tie-breaker will stay in the ELL for Season 3 and the loser will not return for next season.

Karimov vs Ahmadinejad
Uzbekistan's President Islam Karimov doesn't want leave the ELL just as quickly as he came in. He's trying to avoid a one and done affair. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad from Iran made the playoffs last season and would like another attempt to do the same next season.

This matchup boils down to a simple formula. Karimov is a power-hungry man, who is planning on staying in power even though Uzbekistan is supposed to have a presidential election this year. He also boils people. Not personally, I'm sure he has one of his minions actually do the boiling. Ahmadinejad was democratically elected and must answer to his campaign promises. He throws out the occasional nuclear threat (not even a bomb, just an energy program) and the western world shits themselves. Sometimes words are more powerful than boiling people. I guess. That's pretty stupid actually, but I don't run the world... yet. Avenging his regular season loss and staying in the league...
winner: Ahmadinejad

Now for the semifinals. Here are the results from the 1st leg:

al-Bashir vs Kim
This is the rematch of last year's final, where Sudan's Omar al-Bashir swept through North Korea's Kim Jong-Il, 2-0. They've split their 2 regular season matchups. The Boston Globe reports that Sudan has actually blossomed in the face of US-imposed sanctions. I'm not sure how they reached that conclusion with a genocide continuing. Maybe the few people still alive can enjoy more of what's left. Omar al-Bashir constantly amazes me. Not only is he an economic god, but "triple 20" as he's known in the dart-throwing world just won his 18th consecutive Sudanese National Dart-throwing championship. That beats Jafar Numayri's run of 16 years in a row.

The summit between Kim Jong-Il and South Korea's Roh Moo-Hyun is scheduled for October 2-4 in Pyongyang. It would be the second meeting between the two countries since they were divided. I'm glad they're moving towards peace, but it's not very evil. North Korea was hit with heavy rain in recent weeks, leading to flooding. Kim Jong-Il was nowhere to be seen, drawing criticism from some. That's mean, but not evil. He also contracted gonorrhea. Not a good week for Kim.
winner: al-Bashir by 25

Putin vs Chavez
Vladimir Putin, the leader of Russia, lost to Venezuela's Hugo Chavez in the regular season. Now he's building up his military. Putin is also reportedly very sexy. His body is more ripped than my $200 pair of jeans (I don't own a garment worth anywhere near that much). I want to run my tongue up and down the peaks and valleys of his chiseled stomach. Umm, wait, never mind. Awkward. Hugo Chavez bought 5,000 Russian rifles on ebay and totally jacked the studly Putin. Chavez changed Venezuela's time zone. His country donates more money to Latin America than the US. He's getting the military force, the popular support, and now a head start in his future war with the US (if we attack first). He's becoming a very dangerous person. Soon he's gonna be able to eat lighting and crap thunder.
winner: Chavez by 3

Sunday, August 26, 2007

An Exception

In the last post, I didn't take into account if a creepy-looking man driving a red car in Bethesda calls for your mom to walk over to him and when she ignores the creepy man and as the two of you cross the street, the man calls your cute little mom an "asshole."

In that case, if you're anything like me, you'll scream, "FUCK YOU!" at the creepy man.

First of all, it must take a lot of courage to call a little old lady (sorry mom, but you do get mail from AARP and the Maryland Department of the Aging) an asshole when you think she's alone. And it has to take even more courage to drive off immediately once her 25-year old son screams "FUCK YOU!" so loud that everyone on the block turned to look.

If you'd like help next time, don't just whisper from afar, "Miss, Miss." People think you're a rapist. Say, "Excuse me Miss, I'm lost, can you help me?" Also try not to stop far out of the pedestrians' way. And if someone decides not to help, even after you've taken these steps, remember that perhaps they're in a rush, so please don't call them an asshole."

Let this be a lesson to everyone who wants to mess with my mom or my younger brother. I will flip out on your ass. I am not yet perfect. Don't test me.

Saturday, August 25, 2007


I truly believe that one day human beings will live in loving peace with one another.

I'm not sure when; I'm not sure how, but it must start with a change in our mentality. We must treat every human as if they were in our own families. Unless you're the Menendez brothers, then you should watch the Cosby Show and treat everyone like you were in their family.

In my family I don't always like everyone, but I would do anything for them if they needed me. I need to think that way with the rest of humanity. I already have the first part down.

We need more personal responsibility. Society doesn't force people to kill one another. After all, society is made of people. From now on, everyone should write down how many people they've killed each day. Count up the total at the end of the week and share that number. Like golf, lowest number wins.

Maybe someday life will be more like golf and the Cosby Show, even for the Menendez brothers.

Friday, August 24, 2007

Message to the Iraqi Government

You incompetent a-holes! We invaded and destroyed your country for you, and this is the best you can do for us? We put you in power and now you won't do what we tell you, what the hell is wrong with you? Don't you understand the meaning of democracy, you dumbasses. I guess democracy and Iraq are mutually exclusive terms, just like "Iraqi government" and "a clue."

What more can the United States do for the Iraqi government to succeed? We've created a cesspool of murder, disease, and destitution- those are the perfect conditions for a government to thrive and the Iraqi government still can't seem to run their own country the way we want them to. Pitiful! We've instituted "elections," which have furthered sectarian rifts, and formed a new Iraqi military, which has turned into a Shiite death squad. Now we're arming the Sunni insurgency. If the Iraqi government can't keep the peace in that situation, then they have to be the stupidest people on Earth and must be replaced.

Leading Democrats and Republicans are right, it's the Iraqis' fault.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Iraq Intellegence Quiz

School's in session. The year is 2003. Today, young George, Donald, Dicky, Condy, and Hillary have an exam on Iraq. The quiz is only 2 questions.

1) Does Iraq possess weapons of mass destruction?
2) Are there any differences among Iraqi Muslims?

All of them failed. The teacher kept them all after class.

"You're here because you failed this quiz. How come none of you got these questions right?"

They all answered, "We didn't know the answers; it's not our fault we got it wrong."

The teacher responded, "Fair enough, you all pass."

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Gap Tooth Hall of Fame

David Letterman - Talk Show Host
Cornel West - Professor/Author
Chris Rock - Comedian
Mumia Abu-Jamal - Social Critic
Dave Chappelle - Comedian
Michael Strahan - NFL Player
Jesus - Carpenter
Elton John - Singer
Muhammad (pbuh) - Prophet
Paul Scheer - Comedian
Greg Oden - NBA Player
Shawn Alexander - NFL Player

Hall of Not As Good, But Still Gap Toothed, So It's All Good
Madonna - Singer
Stephen Jackson - NBA Player
Condoleezza Rice - Secretary of State

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Evil Leaders League, Week 7

Here we are, the final week of the Evil Leaders League regular season. You know the deal, the top four teams advance to the playoffs, and the top five will return next season while the bottom three are relegated. Let's get the results for Week 7 of the ELL:

Sarkozy vs Putin
France's president Nicolas Sarkozy (pronounced in a snoody accent) sent his foreign minister, Bernard Kouchner, to Iraq. The move shows both that Sarkozy wants the French to have a role in Iraq and that US-French relations are becoming warmer. I bet Sarkozy's next move is to ask America to change the name of our beloved freedom fries back to french fries. No dice Nic! You'll never Frenchify American culture you frog bastard! Vladimir Putin of Russia has sold missiles to Syria and accused the US of trying to dominate the world.
winner: Putin

al-Bashir vs Kim
Sudan's President Omar al-Bashir said that the war (genocide) in Darfur is a pretext for the United States and Britain to re-colonize Sudan. First of all, the US never colonized Sudan and second, the bigger threat comes from China and their led-based toys for oil program. According to Roland Bleiker's Divided Korea, North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il reacted harshly after US president George Bush placed North Korea in his "Axis of Evil." It was only then that Kim broke his nuclear agreements. In recent news, Kim has pushed back a meeting with the South Korean leadership until October, but this is in an atmosphere of potentially gradual warming of relations. Kim beat al-Bashir in the regular season last season, but lost 2-0 in the ELL Finals at the end of Season 1.
winner: al-Bashir

Karimov vs Lukashenko
Islam Karimov, the president of Uzbekistan, has about a 10 percent change of being gay. There's a similar chance that he'll be out of power, like the Uzbek constitution says he should be. Instead, Karimov very well might mend the constitution to allow him to stay in power. Staying in power: evil; doing it by constitutional means: not as evil. Belarus has a president named Alexander Lukashenko. Lukashenko hates Poles more than an American Jew does. Lukashenko was pleased when Polish political leaders weren't allowed entry into Belarus for Polish Army Day. That's bad news for his country's 400,000 Poles. Lukashenko continuously states an old Belarussian proverb, "There's an old saying in Osipovichi, I know it's in Minsk, it's probably in Osipovichi, that says 'When a Pole is killed, my penis grows 3 inches.... Hahahahahahaha!!!! ... Do you get it? Polish people dying gives me an erection.... How come nobody's laughing?'" Never underestimate a small penis' role in creating an evil leader.
winner: Lukashenko

Chavez vs Ahmadinejad
The winner of this matchup will make the playoffs, the loser will tie Islam Karimov for 5th and a possible relegation. Hugo Chavez beat Mahmoud Ahmadinejad last regular season. Chavez is the president of Venezuela. He's going to pull an Islam Karimov and change the constitution to allow him to be re-elected indefinitely. Ahmadinejad, the president of Iran, called the Israeli flag a symbol of Satan. He's also countering US presence in Azerbaijan (I hear Baku is lovely in Springtime) and he plans on visiting Baghdad to the dismay of the United States. But Chavez has a charisma with the downtrodden of Latin America and the uptrodden of Hollywood that Ahmadinejad doesn't even have with his own mother (she thinks he's too lazy. She also likes that Jew-lovin'). That charisma along with his power-hungry nature (he even eats power at Fourthmeal) and his stockpiling weapons for a potential war with the US could be dangerous (if we attack first).
winner: Chavez

al-Bash 6-1
Putin 6-1
Kim J-I 4-3
Chavez 4-3
Karimo 3-4
Ahmad 3-4
Lukash 2-5
Sarkozy 0-7

Monday, August 20, 2007

Blacks vs Jews, Heroes Rising Above Tragedy

In another installment of our friendly competition between blacks and Jews, we examine two heroes who have risen above the worst tragedy each community has faced. The Jewish representative is Elie Wiesel, a man who survived the Holocaust and has become a voice of triumph. The black representative is Frederick Douglass, a man who overcame slavery and was a powerful voice for the cause of his people.

Elie Wiesel was born in Romania in 1928. When Wiesel was 16 years old he was deported to Auschwitz with his family. The next year he was sent to another concentration camp, Buchenwald (which is one camp my grandfather was probably at as well). After the war ended, Wiesel went to America. He has written 40 books, the most famous of which is Night, a recount of his experiences during the Holocaust.

Frederick Douglass was born enslaved in Maryland in 1818. Douglass eventually escaped slavery when he was 18 years old. He then began fighting to abolish the institution of slavery. Douglass rose to a position of prominence in the United States and played an instrumental part in emancipation and Reconstruction-era government. His most famous book is Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass.

These are two amazing people, who have overcome the worst horrors that human beings can inflict on their own kind, and these two men have been able to restore the humanity that their tormentors stripped from them. So how do we decide a winner?

I can think of only one way: most Google hits.

Frederick Douglass 1,730,000 hits, Elie Wiesel 1,350,000 hits.
Overall standings: Blacks 4 Jews 1.

Sunday, August 19, 2007

I Hope

I hope to go to Iraq one day. I want to find someone affected by the war, give them a hug, look them in the eye and say, "I'm sorry."

Saturday, August 18, 2007

NL East SS Stars

The National League East has some fantastic shortstops. The majority of them are young and have the potential to lead their teams into the future. Here they are with their 2007 stats:

Name - Team - Age - (BAvg. - HR - RBI - SB)

Hanley Ramirez - Fla - 23 - (.341 - 22 - 62 - 38) 115 games
Jimmy Rollins - Phi - 28 - (.290 - 21 - 70 - 24) 121 games
Jose Reyes - NYM - 24 - (.302 - 9 - 48 - 62) 120 games
Edgar Renteria - Atl - 31 - (.336 - 11 - 53 - 11) 105 games
Felipe Lopez - Was - 27 - (.248 - 9 - 48 - 18) 116 games

Felipe's having a particularly bad year (though he's turned it around in the last few weeks), but trust me, he'll be up there.

Friday, August 17, 2007

Young NL 3B Stars

There are a number of potentially great young third basemen in the National League, particularly in the East, right now.

Here they are and their current stats for the 2007:

Name - Team - Age - (BAvg. - HR - RBI - SB)

Miguel Cabrera - Fla - 24 - (.334 - 29 - 87 - 1) 117 games
Ryan J. Braun - Mil - 23 - (.346 - 23 - 60 - 10) 73 games
David Wright - NYM - 24 - (.310 - 22 - 76 - 25) 119 games
Ryan Zimmerman - Was - 22- (.264 - 18 - 64 - 4) 121 games
Mark Reynolds - Ari - 23 - (.281 - 10 - 42 - 0) 74 games

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Blacks vs Jews, Congress

In this edition of the friendly competition between blacks and Jews, we look at the current United States Congress. Which group is actually secretly running the world?

There are 13 current Jewish US senators and 30 in the House of Representatives. You can count that glorious Jew from Wisconsin, Russ Feingold, among the senators. One of Maryland's senators, be Cardin, is Jewish. Just like many other Jews, Cardin downplayed his Jewishness during his election run, partly because he wanted the gentiles to actually vote for him and partly because he wanted to get away with celebrating Christmas.
There is 1 current black senator. His name is Barack Obama. There are 43 black members in House of Representatives. John Lewis, the great civil rights activist, ranks among them. Elijah Cummings and Al Wynn are from Maryland.

So the score is Blacks 44 Jews 43. But the Jews have a high percentage compared to their population in America.

So the group that secretly runs the Congress and the winner: the Jews.
Overall standings: Blacks 3 Jews 1

That means that there are 14 senators who are either black or Jewish (out of 100) and 73 representatives in the House (out of 435). That's a powerful total of 87 out of 535. It's fairly clear that the white man should tremble at the feet of that clear majority. Especially since blacks and Jews always agree on everything (maybe we should, or better yet, at least work together).

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Where is Bill Riccio Now?

He's still in jail, dreaming about Matthew Hale and his ideology.

Chin up Bill. Stay strong and always remember this bit of wisdom: When god closes a jail cell, he opens up a butthole.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Nats Nicknames

Here are some nicknames for current Washington Nats:

I've already introduced Nook "the Crook" Logan because of his propensity to steal bases (he's a good law-abiding citizen, hereafter glac).
There's rookie pitcher Joel "Sirhan Sirhan" Hanrahan because he's a killer at RFK (or hopefully he will be).

Those are the best that I've come up with.
I prefer "Z" as Ryan Zimmerman's nickname over "Zim." It's easier to yell.
Shawn "King of the" Hill is fairly obvious. Hopefully he'll be back soon healthy and pitching like he did earlier in the year.
You've got Ryan "take 'em to" Church or Ryan "Amen" Church, whichever's better.
Ronnie "Ring my" Belliard is a not very good pun based on a popular disco song.

I have a policy that I don't call players on my favorite team by their first names until they've played at least a year on the team, except in special cases, like Ronnie and Dmitri.

Manager Manny Acta has done a great job this season.
He has no nickname yet.

Monday, August 13, 2007

Evil Leaders League, Week 6

Has anyone seen that guy with a Virginia license plate "NVMYLEX" (envy my Lexus)? If one of our enemies should drop a nuclear bomb on us, I hope in lands on him and his family and only them. Let's check out the results from Week 6 of the ELL:

al-Bashir vs Chavez
Sudanese President Omar al-Bashir has done it again. Did you know that the genocide in Darfur is China's fault? Poor Omar al-Bashir wants the dangerous Darfur rebel army to come to the table to negotiate a peace deal, but those bullies won't, so it's their fault too. The fact is that Omar al-Bashir is responsible for the worst human rights tragedy in the world and somehow it's everyone else's fault. That's fucking evil! Hugo Chavez of Venezuela is cute with his crazy threats against America, but his record doesn't compare to the carnage Omar al-Bashir has on his hands (not literally, al-Bashir washes regularly). Chavez has signed an agreement to provide oil to many Latin American countries. How sweet. Omar al-Bashir beat Chavez in the playoffs last season and won in the regular season.
winner: al-Bashir (again)

Ahmadinejad vs Kim
In an op-ed piece for the Jerusalem Post, Caroline Glick said that "aside from being a messianic, genocidal killer, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is also an economic dunce." What the fuck? "Messianic, genocidal killer?" Don't you have to kill like a whole bunch of people to be called that? Evidently not. That's the type of overblown outrageous illogical inaccurate rant that makes my hoo ha as erect as it's been since I last saw Ann Coulter. Sorry, I have a thing for women who pull crazy shit out of there ass (not (just) literally). When Ahmadinejad isn't committing a fictitious genocide, he is firing his oil and industry ministers because he is a bit of an economic dunce.

North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il is set to meet with South Korea's president Roh Moo-Hyun later this month in the second ever Inter-Korea summit. They hope to works toward peace. Wait, what the fuck happened to the Kim Jong-Il we used to know? The Kim Jong-Il who starved his own people and threatened the world with nuclear weapons? Now he's engaging in the type of diplomacy that not even US President George Bush would engage in. So Ahmadinejad repeats his regular season victory last season and avenges his playoff defeat at the hands of the same competitor because of something he didn't do; thanks to Caroline Glick.
winner: Ahmadinejad

Karimov vs Sarkozy
Uzbekistan will be celebrating another anniversary of its independence. President Islam Karimov wants the pop songs at the ceremony to be "like totally patriotic and none of that Brittney Spears shit." It's Uzbekistan's sweet sixteen, so they're getting two DJs, a dance floor, a choice of chicken or rat, cute boys, and plenty of punch. It's gonna be rad. France's Evil Emperor Nicolas Sarkozy met with US President George Bush and reportedly desires warm and friendly ties. That bastard! Boycott France!! Sarkozy's hot wife didn't attend the picnic the two leaders had for one another. While Bush tried to hold his own in the face of the monstrously evil messianic genocidal killer, Nicolas Sarkozy, the two enjoyed ham sandwiches and grape soda. Sarkozy dropped a couple of potato chips and the ants stormed the checkered blanket. All part of the French's plan to invade America's picnics with tons ants. Not even the US President is safe!
winner: Karimov

Lukashenko vs Putin
This is a matchup between two men who act like family. Russia's Vladimir Putin is the harsh but loving older brother. Belarus' President Alexander Lukashenko is the spoiled younger brother. Putin turned Lukashenko around, gave him a wedgie, took his gas money, and sarcastically said "thank you" while walking away.
winner: Putin

Putin 5-1
al-Bash 5-1
Kim J-I 4-2
Chavez 3-3
Karimo 3-3
Ahmad 3-3
Lukash 1-5
Sarkozy 0-6

Sunday, August 12, 2007

The Oppressed Republicans

Being an oppressed group is a lot like being in a presidential campaign. You might be a good candidate, but if you don't reach the people, no one will know about you. I've paired oppressed groups with the Republican presidential candidate that best fits their status at the moment.

1) Rudi Giuliani - Blacks
2) Fred Thompson - Latinos
3) John McCain - Muslims
analysis: These are clearly the 3 frontrunners on both sides.

4) Mitt Romney - Jews
5) Mike Huckabee - Gays
analysis: Romney is close, but he gets a lot of shit for his religion. Gay people need to get their cause out more effectively just as Huckabee needs to do with his conservative message.

6) Tom Tancredo - Hindus and Sikhs
7) Sam Brownback - Asian (Far East, Yellow, Oriental, other outdated terms)
analysis: Hindus and Sikhs have just about nothing to do with each other, but apparently they both look like Muslims (a group which both also have nothing to do with). Yellow Asians don't like each other at all, specifically everyone hates the Japanese, but whites think they all look a like too.

8) Ron Paul - Dwarfs
9) Tommy Thompson - Deaf
10) Duncan Hunter - Hermaphodites
analysis: Is it spelled dwarves?

11) John Cox - WASPs
analysis: Shouldn't be a candidate.

Not running: women, Amerindians.

Saturday, August 11, 2007

My Favorite Baseball Players

I was an Atlanta Braves fan from 1990-2004. I've been a Washington Nats fan since they moved to the area in 2005. Here's a list of my favorite players on my favorite teams by position.

C Brian Schneider - 3rd season with the Nats, 5 in Montreal.
1B Fred McGriff - 5 seasons with the Braves.
2B Mark Lemke - 8 full seasons with the Braves, 10 total.
SS Rafael Belliard - 8 seasons with the Braves.
3B Ryan Zimmerman - 3rd season with the Nats.
LF Ryan Klesko - 8 seasons with the Braves.
CF Andruw Jones - 12th season with the Braves, 9 while I was a fan.
RF David Justice - 8 full seasons with the Braves, 9 total.

Other guys I like, but just haven't had (or didn't have) enough tenure: Dmitri Young (Nats), Jose Vidro (Nats), Ronnie Belliard (Nats), Felipe Lopez (Nats), Marlon Byrd (Nats), Nook Logan (Nats), Jose Guillen (Nats).

Batting Order (stats on my favorite team while I'm a fan)
Batting Average, Homeruns-RBIs-Stolen Bases

1 Ryan Zimmerman .285, 38-179-15
2 Mark Lemke .250, 30-251-11
3 Fred McGriff .293, 130-446-23
4 Andruw Jones .268, 250-766-124
5 David Justice .276, 159-519-31
6 Ryan Klesko .281, 139-450-26
7 Brian Schneider .254, 20-139-3
8 Rafael Belliard .223, 1-70-8

I like speedy leadoff hitters, honest. The Braves and Nats just haven't had any for very long. Nowadays Andruw kills the Nats, but I still love him and I wish him the best of luck against everyone else.

Starting Pitchers
(Wins and Losses (Saves) on my favorite team, career ERA)
Tom Glavine 219-114, 3.49
John Smoltz 149-103 (154), 3.26
Greg Maddox 194-88, 3.10
John Patterson 11-14, 4.32
Livan Hernandez 24-18, 4.23

Off the top of my head, 3 players have played for the Braves and the Nats while either was my favorite team: Vinny Castilla, Ray King, George Lombard. Incidentally, my mom used to work for George Lombard's godfather.

Friday, August 10, 2007

Blacks vs Jews, Presidential Candidates

This time the friendly competition between Jews and Blacks features a contest between each group's best presidential candidate. The black representative is Barack Obama. The Jew representative is Joe Lieberman.

Joe Lieberman ran for the Democratic nomination for president in 2004 (remember?) and Barack Obama is running to be the Democratic nominee for 2008.

Lieberman is an Orthodox Jew from Connecticut who was the only Democratic candidate in 2004 that ran on a pro-Iraq war stance. How'd that work out for you, Joe? Not even his Joe-mentum could garner double-digit support anywhere (except Delaware) with that ideology and his overall unlikeability. By 2006, Lieberman completed (hopefully, for his sake) his stupendous fall- since being Al Gore's hot new vice presidential nominee in 2000- losing his party's primary campaign in his re-election bid to be senator from Connecticut. He eventually won back his seat as an Independent.

Barack Obama is a current senator from Illinois. He has positioned himself as an anti-war candidate willing to engage in dialogue with other world leaders (except his bizarre desire to invade Pakistan, because they haven't gone after Islamic extremists. The fact is Musharraf is in political trouble at home partly because of the exact opposite, for going after extremists to vigorously). While he is still in second place, that's a lot better than Lieberman could have ever dreamed of doing. And keep in mind, it's still very early in the campaign cycle.

Joe Lieberman and Barack Obama have the same amount of delegates won thus far. Unfortunately for Lieberman, his election is over and Obama's hasn't started yet.
So the winner is Barack Obama.
Overall standings: Blacks 3 Jews 0

Thursday, August 09, 2007

Jews of Glory, Jews of Disgrace 2007

This is the third annual Jews of Glory, Jews of Disgrace.

5) Ryan Braun - This rookie third baseman is hitting .349 with 21 hrs and 55 rbis since called up to the majors on May 24 with the Milwaukee Brewers.
4) Abraham Barak Salem - An Indian Jew from Cochin who fought for the downtrodden and against segregation within the Cochini Jewish community during the early part of the 1900s.
3) Jon Stewart - Still funny after all these years.
2) Moses ben Maimon - My first round pick in last year's Jew Draft.
1) Milton Berle - The one true messiah.

5) Bud Selig - A hypocrite when it comes to Barry Bonds and has been generally bad for baseball as commissioner.
4) Jesus H. Christbergstein - I didn't change my name to impress the gentiles.
3) Rabbi David Kaye - The child-fucking Rabbi from Rockville caught on Dateline's To Catch A Predator. The Rabbi is outraged at Michael Vick and dismayed that he may have participated in dog fighting.
2) Moshe Katsev - The former president of Israel and serial rapist. Thinks Michael Vick should get the death penalty.
1) The schmuck who pissed off Hitler.

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

The Record

For the first few seconds I felt like Mike Bacsik. Then I realized the magnitude of the moment. I stood up and clapped.

It was like a photo, but in real time, as Barry Bonds stretched his hands over his head in triumph. Mike Bacsik put his hand on his waist with his head held low. At that moment, the two men were forever linked by history. Their career paths had been very different and their lives will diverge from here, but for that moment the epitome of sport was on display. The elation of the victor and the anguish of the vanquished.

At home plate, Bonds' son hugged him, but this time it was for dad. Bonds raised his hands in appreciation of his father. I ran upstairs and saw my mom. I stared at her for a second. "He hit it." We both raced downstairs. Somewhere in DC, my brother rushed into a bar the pitch before.

Bonds' family joined him on the field as the San Francisco crowd cheered wildly. His godfather, the great Willie Mays, hugged the new homerun champion. Hank Aaron congratulated Bonds via the giant scoreboard. My brother called me and I told him I'd call him back. Bonds thanked the usual suspects as well as the Nats, which made me happy.

When it was over, I called my brother back. Then I phoned my friend Mike. We had a long talk about what had happened. "You can't argue with numbers," he told me. He's right. Barry Bonds has hit the most career homeruns in Major League Baseball history. 756.

Congratulations Barry.

In the 8th inning, Mike Bacsik was being interviewed on the local Washington television station. The interview was interrupted when the Nats tied the game, 6-6. "No loss!" Bacsik screamed in delight. The Nats won 8-6.

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

Blacks vs Jews, Gay Communists

In this version of Blacks vs Jews, a friendly competition between the two groups, we examine the lives of a great gay communist from each community. Bayard Rustin represents blacks while Allen Ginsberg is his Jewish counterpart.

Bayard Rustin was a civil rights acitivist who believed in non-violent methods of eradicating persecution. He was also a gay communist. Allen Ginsberg was a beat poet and avid spokesman for freedom of speech. He was also a gay communist.

Rustin worked closely with the great civil rights leader A. Philip Randolph. He was instumental in the first freedom ride, well before it reached the national consciousness. He was Dr. Martin Luther King's tactical mentor (yep) during the Montgomery Bus Boycott. Rustin consulted African leaders and was a principle organizer for the 1963 March on Washington. Allen Ginsberg is best known for his poem Howl. he knew the great writer Jack Kerouac. He was a leading voice in protesting the Vietnam war and promoted free speech all around the world. Both fought for gay rights.

So how do we decide who wins? Let's look at their organization affiliations.

Bayard Rustin
YCL - Young Communist League
FOR - Fellowship of Reconciliation
CORE - Congress of Racial Equality
APRI - A. Philip Randolph Institute

Allen Ginsberg
NAMBLA - North American Man/Boy Love Association

Though Ginsberg joined the organization to promote freedom of speech, and not have sex with boys, the outcome becomes clear after reviewing this list.

And the winner is Bayard Rustin.
Overall standings: Black 2 Jews 0

Monday, August 06, 2007

He Tied the Record

The ball left Clay Hensley's hand and flew towards the catcher. With a mighty swing, Barry Bonds changed the ball's direction. Bonds hit a scorcher to the opposite field. The ball jumped over the fence. He tied the record.

Bonds watched the ball leave, pumped his fist, and began to circle the bases for the 755th time. Some boos fell from the lips of the spectators in San Diego while others cheered. Baseball commissioner Bud Selig stood there emotionless during one of the most historic moments in the game's history.

Bonds touched home and gave his son a big bear hug. He jogged over to his daughter and wife and gave them both a kiss. Then he sat down. A perfect moment for Barry Bonds and those of us who understand the magnitude of his greatness. But the person most moved wasn't physically in the ballpark; it was his father Bobby watching from above.

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

Flying Over Baghdad

On my flight from Kuwait to New York, I passed by Baghdad. From 30,000 feet above, the people looked like an insignificant abyss of nothingness. Evidently the view’s not much different from the Oval Office.