Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Evil Leaders League, Week 7

Here we are, the final week of the Evil Leaders League regular season. You know the deal, the top four teams advance to the playoffs, and the top five will return next season while the bottom three are relegated. Let's get the results for Week 7 of the ELL:

Sarkozy vs Putin
France's president Nicolas Sarkozy (pronounced in a snoody accent) sent his foreign minister, Bernard Kouchner, to Iraq. The move shows both that Sarkozy wants the French to have a role in Iraq and that US-French relations are becoming warmer. I bet Sarkozy's next move is to ask America to change the name of our beloved freedom fries back to french fries. No dice Nic! You'll never Frenchify American culture you frog bastard! Vladimir Putin of Russia has sold missiles to Syria and accused the US of trying to dominate the world.
winner: Putin

al-Bashir vs Kim
Sudan's President Omar al-Bashir said that the war (genocide) in Darfur is a pretext for the United States and Britain to re-colonize Sudan. First of all, the US never colonized Sudan and second, the bigger threat comes from China and their led-based toys for oil program. According to Roland Bleiker's Divided Korea, North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il reacted harshly after US president George Bush placed North Korea in his "Axis of Evil." It was only then that Kim broke his nuclear agreements. In recent news, Kim has pushed back a meeting with the South Korean leadership until October, but this is in an atmosphere of potentially gradual warming of relations. Kim beat al-Bashir in the regular season last season, but lost 2-0 in the ELL Finals at the end of Season 1.
winner: al-Bashir

Karimov vs Lukashenko
Islam Karimov, the president of Uzbekistan, has about a 10 percent change of being gay. There's a similar chance that he'll be out of power, like the Uzbek constitution says he should be. Instead, Karimov very well might mend the constitution to allow him to stay in power. Staying in power: evil; doing it by constitutional means: not as evil. Belarus has a president named Alexander Lukashenko. Lukashenko hates Poles more than an American Jew does. Lukashenko was pleased when Polish political leaders weren't allowed entry into Belarus for Polish Army Day. That's bad news for his country's 400,000 Poles. Lukashenko continuously states an old Belarussian proverb, "There's an old saying in Osipovichi, I know it's in Minsk, it's probably in Osipovichi, that says 'When a Pole is killed, my penis grows 3 inches.... Hahahahahahaha!!!! ... Do you get it? Polish people dying gives me an erection.... How come nobody's laughing?'" Never underestimate a small penis' role in creating an evil leader.
winner: Lukashenko

Chavez vs Ahmadinejad
The winner of this matchup will make the playoffs, the loser will tie Islam Karimov for 5th and a possible relegation. Hugo Chavez beat Mahmoud Ahmadinejad last regular season. Chavez is the president of Venezuela. He's going to pull an Islam Karimov and change the constitution to allow him to be re-elected indefinitely. Ahmadinejad, the president of Iran, called the Israeli flag a symbol of Satan. He's also countering US presence in Azerbaijan (I hear Baku is lovely in Springtime) and he plans on visiting Baghdad to the dismay of the United States. But Chavez has a charisma with the downtrodden of Latin America and the uptrodden of Hollywood that Ahmadinejad doesn't even have with his own mother (she thinks he's too lazy. She also likes that Jew-lovin'). That charisma along with his power-hungry nature (he even eats power at Fourthmeal) and his stockpiling weapons for a potential war with the US could be dangerous (if we attack first).
winner: Chavez

al-Bash 6-1
Putin 6-1
Kim J-I 4-3
Chavez 4-3
Karimo 3-4
Ahmad 3-4
Lukash 2-5
Sarkozy 0-7

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